Empty Spaces

The nurse smiled at Corey’s parents, the boy was still asleep in his bed as his parents sat in slightly uncomfortable hospital chairs next to him. “The doctor is on his way, he has the results for some tests that we ran when Corey was admitted. He should be here any moment to discuss the results with you.” She was hoping her voice didn’t betray her and reveal the sadness and anxiety beneath it. No matter how many times she had been in this situation, it never seemed to get easier.

Corey’s mother looked up at the nurse, worry clouding her eyes, “is there something wrong?!” The nurse took an innocuous deep breath and said “I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, I don’t have the results myself, but it is standard procedure for the doctor to give the update to the patient and their family even if it’s all good news.” The nurse felt sick lying to them, but it was no good getting them all distraught before the doctor was there to answer the questions they were bound to have. ‘This is the worst part of the job,’ she thought to herself. Not even the part where they give the bad news, but the part where they know there is bad news to give and can’t say anything.

Corey’s father looked at his wife and gingerly squeezed her hand. “Sweetheart, that young man saved our son’s life tonight. He’s managed to avoid hypothermia, and didn’t even get a splinter from the broken wood at the boardwalk. What in god’s name he was doing down there in the middle of the night is beyond me, but let’s just please try and count our blessings.” He kissed her on the cheek gently, and she laid her head down on his big, strong chest. “I know you’re probably right, but it is my job to worry about everything. You get to be the ‘fun’ parent and I get to say things like ‘make sure to put on sunscreen’ and ‘careful, that microwave could explode at any moment.’” He smiled at her, he knew he had made her feel better if she was making jokes. He looked down at his son, sleeping peacefully. He had been in anguish when he had gotten the phone call that night that his son had been involved in some sort of accident on the river, and then so relieved when he learned there was another boy on the scene who had acted quickly enough that Corey’s life had been saved…he hadn’t been thinking properly when he had first gotten to see Corey, and so he hadn’t had a chance to ask him what he had been doing down on the waterfront late at night, and on a school night no less. He didn’t want to worry his wife any further, but his own mind was running rampant with one horrible scenario after another… His thoughts were finally interrupted only a short while later by the arrival of the doctor. He was a tall man, seeming to be in his mid-50’s. And he looked uncomfortable.

“Hi, mister and missus Silver, I’m doctor Carlson. I have the results from some tests that we had run when we admitted Corey last night. Because your son is 18, I need to provide them directly to him, which unfortunately for him means I’ll have to wake him up. I know you’re his parents, but I’ll also need him to give his consent for you to be present, but that’s just standard regulations.” Mr. Silver nodded, not really focused on what the doctor had been saying. Nothing important yet anyway. But Mrs. Silver looked like she was about to argue with the doctor. He once again laid his hand on his wife’s and squeezed it. Not so much saying anything, but hoping she would take his hint, and accept that the doctor was just doing his job. The Doctor came around the far side of the bed, and gently placed his hand on Corey’s shoulder. Corey stirred, and after a moment opened his eyes, blinking and looking around dazed. He yawned, tiredly, and looked up into the face of the tall, handsome doctor peering down at him and smiling. “What a stud!” he said out loud, not being fully awake and not realizing his parents were in the room. All of a sudden the memories of the night before came flashing back into his head, and he sat up in his bed and looked over at his parents, his face burning bright red. “I can’t believe I just said that! They gave me something to help me sleep, it wasn’t really me…”

Doctor Carlson laughed, he was used to patients, their families, and even many of his colleagues making not-so-subtle comments about his physique and appearance. He was quite attractive, and he had been very into bodybuilding while he was in university, he even won several competitions. He hadn’t been nearly as active at the gym in the 15 or so years since he finished his residency, but he ate properly and made sure to keep fit, and you could still see the evidence that he was serious about weightlifting. He squeezed Corey’s shoulder again, “don’t worry about it Mr. Silver, we can pretend like it never happened if you want. But you also clearly know your way around a set of weights, you should be proud of yourself! In any case, I just explained to your parents that I have some test results to give you, but because you’re an adult I need your consent before I give them to you in the presence of your parents. Or, if you’d prefer, I can give them just to you directly and ask your parents to wait outside. That way you can decide what you want to share.”

There was something in the way Dr. Carlson had said the option for telling Corey by himself that made him think that the doctor was trying to suggest that he should ask his parents to wait in the hall. The doctor squeezed his shoulder again gently, and he knew he was reading the signs properly. He didn’t look forward to asking his parents to leave, but just in case there was any bad news, he wanted to be able to present it in whatever way he chose…or maybe, not at all. He looked over at his parents, his mother’s face not doing an at all convincing job of covering up her worry; and his father who was smiling at him with what looked like a very forced smile, as the muscles in his forehead seemed to be tensed. “Guys, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong. But just in case he needs me to stand up or anything, my hospital gown is not exactly made for someone who spends any time in the gym, and even though I know you’ve seen me butt naked before, I like to pretend like it never happened. So maybe you could just wait outside in the hall for a moment?”

His parents exchanged a look that said very clearly how disapproving they were of the request, but they slowly got up and left the room, each taking a moment to kiss their son on the forehead. Doctor Carlson waited until he heard the door click as it closed, and looked down at his clipboard. Corey was fidgeting with a pen that had fallen onto the bed at some point when his parents had kissed him, and looking a little anxious. The doctor sighed quietly, “well, I am happy to say that you avoided pneumonia. That boy that brought you in here clearly knew what he was doing, he got you warmed up before hypothermia had a chance to set in, and I’m not sure if anyone told you, but he administered life-saving resuscitation to you. I would say you owe him a lot, more than likely he saved your life; you were going to die if he hadn’t happened to be there at the right time.” He let the words wash over Corey, and could see how uncomfortable they made him feel. “Listen, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but whatever you say to me is between us; doctor-patient confidentiality, okay? I will say this though, the police went down to the boardwalk, and there are security cameras all over that part of the city. I gather there are some…well, ‘seedy’ characters that do some questionable things in that part of the city, and the police are trying to deter those activities. My point is, the police have seen the tape, and they saw…that you purposely were out on the wrong side of the railing, and starting to lower yourself into the river.”

There was no hiding it now, Corey’s face had gone white, and he looked terrified. The Doctor came around to one of the chairs his parents had just left, and sat down, taking Corey’s hand in his. “I really don’t need to know everything, and definitely not anything that you don’t feel comfortable talking about. But I do need to know if you’re at risk of hurting yourself. You are so young, with your full life ahead of you. And you have become such an incredible role-model to…well, a lot of different people from this town. That you’ve gotten to where you are, a big star on a hit tv show. Life is never as easy as it seems to be from the outside, and everyone who’s lived through it already should know that the most difficult times always seem to be the teenage and early twenties years. So I know that there was obviously something that compelled you to…make the decisions that you made last night. Do you trust me enough to tell me what it is?”

Corey looked up at doctor Carlson, his kind, handsome face. His deep grey eyes, his concern apparent on the shape of his mouth. He looked back down at his feet, unsure of whether to say anything. The doctor squeezed his hand again, gently, and Corey squeezed it back. “I feel like a fucking loser, I can’t believe what I almost did…and because of a stupid guy. I have no idea why I let him get into my head like that, or my bed.”

The doctor sighed again, “Corey, guys are, for the most part, walking disasters. I wish I could say you won’t have your heart trampled on ever again, but it would be a lie. I wish I could do something to help you see that even when it does happen, you’re going to be fine. But in the moment, nothing anybody says is going to make you feel any different. I’ve been the asshole that’s fucked up in so many of my relationships. I know the…people…I’ve been with, I’ve hurt. You are almost destined to hurt people you love too. Unfortunately it’s all part of life, of love. And when a guy does it to you, remember it, embrace the pain. And hopefully that will be your motivation to try to be as careful as possible with those who fall in love with you: remember the pain you felt, and that you would never want to be the reason that someone else feels that pain. If I could go back in time, I would have done a lot of things differently. I actually cheated on my…partner.”

Corey looked up at the doctor reproachfully. “I know, it’s awful, and I really hurt…them.” Corey noticed how doctor Carlson kept using general pronouns. He was starting to suspect that the hunky doctor might just be from the same side of the tracks. He was looking down at Corey, his face almost showing how ashamed he was at having cheated, almost like he was trying to get forgiveness from Corey. It may not have been Corey that he had hurt, but it was someone who was probably just like he had been, and that made him sorry enough. “Like I said, I feel like a loser. Willing to throw it all away over a guy because he cheated on me. Except he didn’t really even cheat on me, I think I’m the one he cheated with. He mostly just used me…it’s a ridiculous reason to try to…to want to…” He couldn’t say the words, he was too ashamed. The two of them sat there in silence, squeezing each other’s hand for comfort, each asking for forgiveness from the other for things that the other took no part in.

They sat like that for a few minutes before doctor Carlson spoke again, “so, can you assure me you won’t be a danger to yourself? If not for yourself, then at least for your family, your friends, and one of your biggest fans?” His face broke into a grin as he looked at the young man, ‘so beautiful’ he thought to himself ‘so incredibly beautiful, and what a talented actor.’ He stopped short of thinking about the boy’s incredible ass, he’d seen it when he had come in to check on him earlier. He had turned slightly over in his sleep and his beautiful, round, muscular butt had been on full display for him. But he wasn’t about to risk getting a boner in front of him. “I won’t be a danger to myself. I promise. I can’t believe how fucking selfish and ridiculous I was to think about leaving everything behind.”

“Okay, I need you to keep that in mind, because I do have something else to share with you, and I don’t want it to impact what you’ve just promised me.” Corey’s smile faltered, he was starting to get scared. “What’s wrong with me? Please tell me! Is it cancer?—it does run in my family! Is it my brain?—sometimes I get these headaches—“ Doctor Carlson held his hands up to stop the boy’s tailspin “whoa! Easy there, you don’t have cancer and there’s nothing wrong with your brain…except that maybe you jump to conclusions too easily. No, I’ll tell you, but I need to ask you a somewhat personal question. And again, everything you say to me is completely confidential. Nothing will get to your parents or anyone else unless you’re the one who tells them… Now, are you sexually active?”

Corey winced, subconsciously letting go of the doctor’s hand, and gripping his bedsheets. His face was turning bright red with embarrassment. “Oh god…um. Yes…” The doctor nodded, his expression inscrutable. “Well, I won’t beat around the bush. You have HIV. But before you panic, medicine has come a long way since the 80’s, and it is now a much more liveable condition. Obviously I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of it, and from your T-cell counts I would estimate that you contracted it about a year and a half ago, maybe 2 years. So ideally we would have found it sooner and began treatments immediately. However, you’re young and quite healthy otherwise, and the virus has been spreading slower than it could have because of it, that’s why it’s somewhat difficult to say exactly when you contracted it. But it means that, medically speaking, we are finding it fairly early and we can take the proper measures to make sure it doesn’t interfere with you living a long, and healthy life.”

Corey was speechless. The revelation hit him like a ton of bricks. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, he just lay there dumbstruck. His face was pale and there were beads of sweat across his chiseled face. “Corey…please try not to think the worst. I’m sure you’ve heard horrible stories about this condition, and they are true. But for the most part, things are so much better today. We have so much more control over the virus, and it can truly have a minimal impact on your life, if you’re responsible.” Corey looked up at him, and there were tears in his eyes. “I should have let the river take me last night. My life is over now. No one will ever want to be near me ever again.”

The doctor’s heart broke, and for a moment he left his professionalism aside. He got up on the bed and laid down next to Corey, and pulled him into a tight hug, the boy clinging to his muscular body like a security blanket. “Your life is NOT over, do you hear me? And take it from me, you do not have to let this virus control you!” Corey looked up at Dr. Carlson in confusion, “what? Are you saying…” The doctor nodded, “since my early 30s. And trust me, back then it was a much more painful and difficult condition to live with. I also almost took my own life, and I hope you will come to realize how big of a mistake that would have been for yourself, just as I did for me. And I’ve had many loves since then, more so in the last 10 years or so. Since PrEP became so easily attainable, and since the drugs that can assist you with becoming undetectable have become so effective, not to mention so much more tolerable. The treatment used to be almost as unpleasant as the disease, but not anymore. Like I said, it’s still very serious, but it doesn’t have to be life-altering like the way it used to be.” He hesitated, and then lent down and kissed Corey on his forehead, almost like his father had done. Corey latched onto him more firmly, taking more comfort from the other man’s embrace than he would ever have thought possible, almost like that embrace itself was medicine that could cure him. They laid like that for awhile, until the doctor heard his pager go off. “I have my morning rounds to check in on, I need to be off. But I’ll be checking in with you later on to talk about your new ‘supplements,’ I can see you must already be taking stuff for the gym, the easiest way to think about it is now you’ll have some additional things to add to your day to stay healthy.” He smiled down at Corey, and he knew it was wrong, but he kissed the boy on his forehead again, lingering far longer than he meant to, and desiring so much more than to kiss his forehead. But he knew he was already breaking a million rules that could have his license suspended, let alone face a lawsuit, so he restrained himself and got off the bed. “You’re an incredible person, always remember that. And never let some stupid asshole make you believe otherwise, not even for a second.” And with that, he was out the door.

Corey’s parents had been huddled outside the door for what felt like an eternity, and as soon as they saw the doctor leave they practically ran into the room. Corey looked up at them, and was not looking forward to the task at hand. He was still devastated about the news, even if doctor Carlson had made him feel less alone. He knew his parents were going to take it even harder. His dad would try to keep a brave face, while in his head try to figure out a way to make it better, when there wasn’t one. And his mom would cry, and probably would never be able to look at him the same way again. He couldn’t bare the idea of shattering their world, again.

They looked at him expectantly, and he made his decision, “listen, I know you’re probably going to find out anyway, so I’ll tell you what the doctor wanted to talk to me about in private. Last night, when I was on the boardwalk…I didn’t fall in. I mean, I did, but I was on the wrong side of the railing, and it wasn’t by accident.” He took a deep breath and pushed on, “I ended up in a very stupid position recently, that I let myself get into. And I took it hard, really hard. Stupidly hard. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I was feeling so bad for myself…which is crazy because I have an amazing life, an amazing family. I can only imagine how much this is going to hurt you, and I probably would not have told you, ever. But doctor Carlson told me that the police looked at the footage of security cameras on the boardwalk where it happened, and they could see that I walked onto the ledge myself…on purpose. So I know that people will probably find out.”

He had never before seen his parents look the way they looked now; both distraught, in their own ways. His mother looked like Corey might as well already be laying on his deathbed. And his father looked as though he had swallowed broken glass. Corey knew immediately he had made the right decision not to disclose his diagnosis. If this was how they reacted to the news that he had almost killed himself, they wouldn’t be able to also handle that he was now HIV positive. It was his father that asked the question he had been dreading, “but…why?”

Corey turned his face away from his parents, small tears streaming down his face. He was so ashamed of himself, and he couldn’t believe how foolish he had been yesterday. “I just…I took some bad news, very badly. I made a stupid decision, and when it turned back and bit me in the ass I was devastated, which I really shouldn’t have been. Please believe me when I tell you that I know now exactly how small and insignificant what happened actually is, when you look at the bigger picture. Which, I’ve been doing pretty much non-stop since last night. I need you to know that I wasn’t going to go through with it. I actually realized that I wasn’t going to be able to do it, and didn’t want to. But it was when I was climbing back over the railing that the boardwalk started to break underneath me…” His mother was clearly not satisfied with his response, “but that doesn’t tell us anything! Tell us, talk to us! What stupid decision did you make? What bad news did you get? I need to understand why you did this!” His father raised a hand, and placed it on his wife’s, “sweetheart, let’s leave it there for now. We can’t force him to talk to us about it if he’s not ready, that could just make things worse. For now, let’s just be thankful that there was that young man who arrived in time to save our son, and to make sure that he’s perfectly healthy. Okay? He’s perfectly healthy and we couldn’t ask for anything more!” He kissed her and stood up, and they prepared to head home to get some rest for the first time that day. Neither of them noticed that their son was crying, or that his tears had started flowing more intensely when his father twice called him ‘perfectly healthy.’ They leaned over him, gave him another kiss each, and told him they’d be back that night to pick him up once he’d be discharged. The nurse had told them that he only needed to stay for the rest of the day, as protocol, but that he could sleep back in his own bed that night. They left the room, and Corey was left utterly alone, and suffocating on his thoughts. Thankfully, he wasn’t alone for long.

The nurse popped her head into the room, and told Corey he had another visitor that wanted to see him. “Normally we wouldn’t allow it, as your parents have used up all the visitation time we have this morning, but considering who it is, I didn’t want to make him wait until this afternoon when it looks like he hasn’t slept all night. I had a feeling if I kept him away, he’d just keep right on waiting until I let him in anyway, and what good would that do. But just don’t tell anyone…” Seth appeared next to the nurse, and he definitely looked like he hadn’t gotten much sleep. Still incredibly handsome and sexy…although Corey realized that this was the first time he had ever seen Seth that way. He had never before thought about just how amazing, muscular, and gorgeous the other boy was. Probably because he was intent to judge him based on who Corey thought he was. But now, knowing differently, Corey finally saw what all those annoying girls at school saw too.

“Can I come in?” Seth asked, his voice dry and husky from lack of sleep. Corey nodded, and Seth let the door close behind him. “I just…I had to see you. I needed to know that you’re okay.” He took one of the chairs where Corey’s parents had been sitting earlier, and scooted right up to the bed. He took the other boy’s hand in his. Corey flinched, but didn’t say anything. Seth noticed anyway, “what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Should I call the doctor?” Corey shook his head, “no, it’s…nothing. It’s nothing, I’m fine. But what about you? How come you haven’t slept?”

Seth looked troubled, he could feel there was something wrong, but after the ordeal Corey had gone through he didn’t want to press the subject. “I’ve been worried about you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I know you didn’t want to tell me WHY you were out on that ledge, and I guess you don’t really have to, you don’t owe me anything. But…I care about you.” Corey had felt something in Seth when he had seen him at the boardwalk last night, but he wasn’t able to figure out what it was…and then with everything that happened after he tried to get back over the railing, it had gotten pushed out of his mind. But as he looked at the other boy, he could feel it again. Something familiar, but he still didn’t know what it was. But he was not as shocked as he would have thought when Seth told him that he cared about him. And Corey was starting to feel the gears turning in his head as he looked deeper into those steely blue eyes. “Corey, I’m…gay.” He could see the sincerity on Seth’s face, knew without a doubt that this wasn’t some joke or messed up game. “I don’t know if I knew all along, or if it all came to me at once, but this past summer I met someone when I was in California visiting my parents. I fell in love with him and I knew, once and for all, that I was gay.”

“What happened with him? With the guy you fell in love with?” Seth’s face darkened immediately, and he looked like he might have been about to punch someone. “He…he turned out not to be who I thought he was. And it turns out I am exactly as stupid as everyone always says us dumb jocks are.” Corey was almost scared, the change in Seth’s demeanour was alarming. But again, there was that same feeling that he could sense inside the other boy, it was something familiar, and finally he could start to see what happened. Corey squeezed Seth’s hand firmly, putting all the comfort and reassurance he could muster with a gesture into his hand. Seth turned his eyes to look at Corey, and his pain, his fury melted away. His eyes were wet, but Corey couldn’t see any fallen tears. “Corey, I care about you,” he said again. Seth stood up and came right to the edge of the bed. He slowly bent down and brought his face closer to Corey’s. Corey’s eyes were wide, he was completely taken aback. He couldn’t think, couldn’t react, and then Seth had his head buried in his neck, and the tears were flowing now, pent up anger, pain, and fear. Corey’s instincts took over, he scooted over on the bed and pulled Seth into bed with him. His arms he wrapped around the other boy, and he held him there as he cried, silent tears streaking his beautiful face. Corey couldn’t remember ever thinking another person was as beautiful as he saw Seth in that moment, and as Seth finally calmed himself, and the tears stopped, the two realized they were laying in bed together, and they both felt a desire for the other.

It was Seth who moved first; he looked into Corey’s eyes, ‘those eyes that always seem like they see right through me’ he thought to himself. He hesitated for a moment, and then he kissed Corey on the neck, gently, softly, but with intensity and passion. Corey was set aflame where Seth’s lips had touched him, and he placed his hands on either side of the other boy’s face and brought it towards his. He couldn’t believe how desperately he wanted to kiss Seth. He had no idea that he had longed for the other boy, that he had been longing for him all along. He looked at Seth for a long moment before they very slowly brought their lips together. It was like an electric shock ripped through both of them, and all of a sudden Seth was on top of Corey, pressing his entire body against the beautiful boy he craved. Corey allowed Seth’s tongue to part his lips, and make its way to his own, where they started massaging each other as the kiss deepened. Corey started running his hands all over Seth’s body. Kyle had been a gym bunny and Corey was no stranger to a muscular man’s body, but Seth was on another level. He was absolutely massive, and ripped, and Corey was lost in desire as his hands made their way all over Seth’s incredible body. Seth was just as amazed by Corey. Tommy had been unbelievably sexy, but Corey was movie-star gorgeous. And he was going to be the lucky guy that got to have him. It was when Seth started to unbuckle Corey’s pants, that a terrifying thought went through Corey’s head, and he jerked his mouth and his hands away from Seth. Seth pulled back, worried he’d hurt Corey. “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?”

Corey didn’t know what to say. He wished he was a braver person than he was. He wished he could tell Seth the truth. But in the deepest pockets of his heart, he was sure that if he was honest with Seth about this, the other boy would reject him immediately. And then, he’d never be able to be honest about it with anyone, and he’d spend the rest of his life alone. He came to a quick decision, one that he had no idea he would regret so much. He thought he was protecting Seth. “I can’t be with you Seth, at least not now. Probably not for a long time, if ever. I…I’m in love with someone else.”

Seth just sat there, feeling a familiar pain, all over again. He had no idea how it happened, but he had started having feelings for Corey, probably since term started up again. At first he had just thought it was admiration. But he didn’t notice when admiration turned to desire, and even lust, and then…something else, something far deeper and more precious. And he hadn’t ever expected Corey to feel the same way about him, except he did kind of expect it, subconsciously. And he knew that Corey HAD felt it. When he took Seth’s hand in his in the middle of the night, when Seth had finally been allowed to see Corey for the first time after bringing him to the hospital. He knew Corey was beginning to feel for him what had been building inside Seth since they got back to school. But Seth was still so new to love, Tommy had been his first. Not just the first man, but his first love at all. So he believed Corey’s words, instead of his feelings, when the other boy told him that he was in love with someone else. He didn’t have enough experience to trust his instincts that Corey was crazy about him too. Instead, dejectedly, with as little emotion as he could muster he said, “it’s okay, I understand.” He stood up off the bed, and grabbed his jacket from the chair. “I won’t bother you anymore.” Corey’s resolve broke seeing how much he had hurt Seth, and he changed his mind: he decided he wanted to take the chance and tell Seth the truth. He thought about it for just a second too long, and by the time the words made it to his lips, Seth was already out the door. “Wait! Seth! Please, come back!” The door clicked shut, and nobody came back into the room. Corey scrambled to find his phone, but then he realized it wouldn’t help even if he had it, he never had Seth’s number. And as his misery rose, his doubt started to seep back in. ‘It’s the right choice, it’s better for everyone. I could never live with myself if I got him sick too…’