Empty Spaces

Corey fell asleep, but it was anything but restful. He kept seeing Kyle sneering at him from a mysterious courtroom, where he had his arm around some guy that Corey could barely make out. And Seth was in the witness box, looking just as hurt as when Corey had told him he was in love with someone else. And the judge was Mr. Montag, the oldest teacher from his high school. He stared down at Corey as he delivered his judgement, that Corey would be spending the rest of his life alone. And then Mr. Montag fell asleep just as he had brought the gavel up. And then, all of a sudden, Corey was blinking up into the handsome face of doctor Carlson.

“Well, hello there sleepyhead! How are you feeling?” Corey wasn’t sure how to answer, he was feeling so many different things. He just shrugged and looked away. “What about that sexy guy that came in to see you earlier, when morning visits were supposed to already have been over? He was the one who pulled you up from the river, right?” Corey didn’t understand why it was hurting so much to think of Seth, before yesterday he had pretty much had the lowest possible opinion of the guy. He thought back to what had transpired between them, about what Seth had told him about what happened in California, and he felt guilty all over again. But he also felt like he was doing Seth a favour. ‘He wouldn’t want to end up with someone like me now anyway,’ he thought to himself bitterly. “Yeah, that was Seth. He came to check up on me to make sure that I was doing okay. But he knows I am now, so I don’t expect to be seeing him again.”

Doctor Carlson was no fool, and he also remembered exactly how he had felt when he first was given his diagnosis. And no matter how much more manageable the disease has become, it doesn’t necessarily make getting the news any easier. He came and sat down on the bed. He put his hand on Corey’s cheek, “call it intuition, but you didn’t tell him your news. I’m willing to bet on it. And it’s not that you have to, or even that it’s any of my business, but…I care about you.” Corey looked around at the doctor, shocked. ‘This is the second man to tell me that today!’ “I’m doing him a favour, he shouldn’t have to end up with someone who’s sick. And he shouldn’t have to feel guilty about not wanting to be with someone sick either. This way, he doesn’t have the be the bad guy or try to pretend he’s okay with it.” Corey shut his eyes as he felt them start to burn. He was still shocked to find how much he actually desired Seth. The doctor didn’t move, didn’t say anything, just sat there with his hand gently caressing the boy’s face. He leaned over, and kissed Corey’s forehead again. ‘Damn, this kid is going to get me into serious shit if I’m not careful,’ he said to himself. The second he felt doctor Carlson’s lips press against his forehead, he lost all control, and the tears came forth from his eyes like giant crystals. He wrapped his arms around the doctor’s waist, and pressed himself tightly against the sexy, muscular older man. The doctor couldn’t stop himself, he kissed Corey’s forehead again and again, and then kissed his cheek, his neck, everywhere on Corey’s face he could reach, using what was left of his almost overpowered restraint to keep himself from kissing Corey’s lips.

Eventually Corey’s sobs faded away, and the doctor had pulled Corey’s face into his neck, as he kissed around Corey’s ear. “You’re so beautiful Corey! So fucking beautiful.” Corey pulled his face from the doctor’s neck, “I think I need to be with someone who understands what I’m going through. Someone who knows what it’s like to deal with this disease.” Doctor Carlson’s heart sank. He should have known this was going to happen, and it was his own fault. He completely lost all sense of control around Corey. He was so angry with himself, and so frustrated at the situation. He would have loved to take Corey home with him. If Corey was a little bit older, it wouldn’t even have mattered that he was Corey’s doctor. He would have waited until Corey was signed out, and then as soon as he was no longer in his care, he would have taken him home, and to his bed. And he could imagine that Corey could be the perfect person for him, not to mention that he’s gorgeous, a famous actor, and has the ass of a god. ‘He’s only 18,’ he said to himself, and with one last kiss to his ear, he tore himself away from the boy he hadn’t stopped thinking about for a second since the night before. “Corey, what did you say to Seth?”

Corey bit his lip, he was embarrassed to talk to the doctor about Seth. He was so attracted to doctor Carlson that he could easily imagine spending time with him, getting to know him, and in time, maybe even having feelings for him. Which made it weird to talk about another guy, especially a guy that he DID have feelings for. “I told him that I’m in love with someone else, and that we couldn’t be together.” Doctor Carlson nodded. “So you broke his heart, because you think the alternative is that if you two get together you’ll infect him with HIV?” Corey shrugged, “I’m quite sure I didn’t break his heart. We only talked for the first time last night. I mean, we’ve gone to school together for pretty much our entire lives, but we never spent any time hanging out with each other. He may have feelings for me, he said he did. But I really doubt he was in love with me. And I really don’t want to have to tell everybody that I’m sick. It might just be easier to stay away from everyone normal, and like I said, maybe it’s better for me to be with someone like me. Like us.”

Doctor Carlson was upset, and not just with himself anymore. “Corey, I already explained that things have changed. You’re not “sick”, and I don’t know about you, but I am “normal”, at least as “normal” as anyone else can be. Being HIV positive doesn’t define me. And I couldn’t be with someone who lets it define them!” Corey looked down at his feet, ashamed, “I didn’t mean to say that.” Doctor Carlson’s anger evaporated instantly seeing this kid so upset with himself. He hugged Corey in his big, strong arms again. “You did mean it, but it’s because you don’t know enough yet. And I know it probably will take some time to adjust. I also know that it’s not going to be easy to tell people, especially someone that you care about. But the lie you chose to tell him proves to me just how much you care about him. You made it impossible for him to be the bad guy, you also made it impossible for him to prove you wrong. The only reason you would have done that is if you were scared of him rejecting you. You would rather push him away than be the one having the door slammed in your face.”

Corey already knew that, but that didn’t sway him, “if he tells me he doesn’t want me anymore,  because of this…disease…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone ever again. Not very long ago I was destroyed because someone I thought was the love of my life used me and then threw me out like I was disposable. And then another guy who it turns out I have feelings for and never knew, rejects me because of something I can’t change? I can’t deal with all of this!” Doctor Carlson took both of his hands, and grabbed each of Corey’s. “I know how hard this is, and I know how scared it’s going to be to know that someone might reject you. I also know some people WILL reject you. But not everyone will, in fact most people won’t. You’d be surprised who you can find on your team if you give them half a chance. I’m asking you to take that chance. I’m asking you to go after Seth. I’m about to discharge you, and as a favor to me, PLEASE go talk to him, and tell him the truth this time.” He took something out of his pocket and gave it to Corey. “Here’s my number, my personal one. I don’t give that to anybody, but as I said…I care about you. No matter what happens, and no matter what time it is, I want you to call me when you’ve told him everything, and once you know what’s going to happen. If you were right, and it goes as badly as you expect, I’ll be there right away, and you don’t have to think about it again. But if you’re wrong, and I really think you’ll be wrong, call me and tell me so I can have a bit more happiness in my life. Corey…I saw the look on his face as he walked out of this room when he was leaving, I was just across the hall. And I saw so much heartbreak, I knew you hadn’t told him. And I know in my heart that his feelings for you are true; he will not let you down if you’re just honest with him.”

Corey sat there, he didn’t want to do this at all. He was much more content to let Seth think he didn’t have feelings for him. He flashed back once more to the pain he spotted in Seth’s eyes, the pain he himself had felt only too strongly. The exact same pain that had brought him to the boardwalk in the first place. He knew he was responsible for giving Seth that pain again, and it crushed him. He looked up at doctor Carlson, “I’d much rather go home with you…although I just realized I don’t know your first name.” The doctor laughed, “it’s James. And I’ll make you a promise, in all seriousness, you’re exactly the kind of guy I’ve always dreamt of finding. But you still have so much to experience, so much to take part in, things that being with a 50-year old muscle daddy would probably cause you to miss out on. If, in a few years, you’re still single, and you still are interested…I promise I will take you home with me!” Corey didn’t have the same sense of professionalism to worry about as the doctor did, so when he pulled himself tightly against James’ body and looked up at him, he didn’t hesitate for even a second. He brought his lips to the older man’s immediately, and locked them there as James’ body reacted in passion. James wrapped his arms around Corey and his mouth opened to the boy’s kiss. They stood their, locked in this embrace for several minutes. James knew a nurse or orderly could look in at any time, but this kid was magnetic. After awhile though he managed to get control of himself.

“You really are incredible Corey. I almost want to say I hope it doesn’t go well with Seth. But it will, I know it will, and I hope for the best for you two. Now I really need to discharge you because I’m sure the hospital needs the room for another patient. I’m going to quickly explain the medications I’m going to give you, and give you some information to take home and read. There’s a lot to know, but honestly it mostly becomes routine, and before you know it you’ll forget that you were so scared.” James smiled down at Corey, “I wish you could know how incredible you are, and exactly how much self-control it’s taking me to push you towards another guy. I almost wish I was a terrible person so I could keep you to myself…but I’d like to think that I would never stand in the way of anyone else’s happiness. So, go, and I’ll be waiting for you to call me to tell me how things went…one way or the other…”

Corey kissed James again one last time. ‘This man, a fucking doctor, is into me too? Crazy!’ He was going to be sad to leave, but only because it meant not being cuddled up with James in his hospital bed. He was not at all sad to be leaving the hospital, though he had absolutely no intention of following through on James’ wishes for him to confide in Seth. Regardless of what the doctor had told him, Corey couldn’t gather the courage to tell Seth the truth, and he knew that Seth would get over him easily enough anyway…‘just look at how popular he is’ he thought to himself.

Just a few hours later, Corey had been discharged and was walking with his parents through the hospital parking lot towards their car. His parents were talking nervously, trying to fill the awkward silence with meaningless smalltalk. He was barely listening, his thoughts a million miles away. He wished it could just be spring already, and taking off for LA once more to get back to shooting the show; leaving all this drama and heartache behind him. Those 18-hour or more days left him little time to worry about anything else other than bringing his character to life. And he was still expected to continue his high-school studies, which he was determined to do with excellence—his eye on valedictorian.

As they arrived home, his mom asked him about dinner, “I made lasagna, I know it’s your favourite, do you want to eat right away?” “Thanks mom, but I didn’t sleep very well in the hospital, and I kind of want to just take a nap, I’m really tired.” He gave his mom a kiss on the cheek, hugged his dad, and walked up the stairs to his room.

Sleep didn’t come easily to Corey, he was too preoccupied with his thoughts. Feelings of bitterness were what came to him strongest, and he started to feel an intense depression falling on him. As he wallowed with self-pity, he tossed and turned, frustrated that he couldn’t even find any peace at home in his bed. Finally, he turned back to face the ceiling, and glumly accepted that his life was forever going to be different…

Across town, Corey couldn’t know that Seth was experiencing a similar depression as he tried to get some seep as well. He couldn’t get Corey’s face out of his mind, and he felt utterly defeated. The feelings that had swollen inside him ever since he first ran into Corey the other night hadn’t gone anywhere, he was as consumed with burning thoughts of desire for the other boy as ever. But the rejection had dealt a blow of finality to those desires, and he now had to accept that he did not have a chance with Corey. He still had a hard time accepting that Corey hadn’t felt about him the same desires that he felt; he started to reminisce about their kiss.

Seth remembered the taste of Corey’s lips, as he’d pressed his own against the other boy’s mouth. Sweet, alluring, and soft like velvet. He felt his cock stiffen inside his underwear as he thought about the way Corey had enveloped his mouth as he gave in to the kiss. He reached a hand down and started stroking the meaty shaft. Thick strands of precum had started to drip from the tip of his cockhead. His breath grew more shallow as he was consumed with thoughts of the other boy’s touch. He desperately wanted to devour Corey, touch and kiss and lick and fuck every single inch of the other boy’s body. He started to think about those luscious lips sliding down his hard member, and he spit into his hand as he started to stroke. Slowly at first, thinking about how it would feel to have Corey on his knees in front of him, eagerly working Seth’s manhood. His tongue swirling around Seth’s cockhead, his hands gripping his balls just right, and his lips at the base of the shaft, choking on the entirety of Seth’s massive dick.

Seth’s hand started moving faster and faster, gripping his shaft tightly as he was lost in the fantasy of Corey going down on him. He could feel the hot, wet, soft tongue of the other boy massaging his cockhead, and it made him ache for release. The only release he dreamed of was directly into the other boy, with Corey greedily taking every drop of his load, and seemingly begging for more. Seth was on the edge now, his fantasy taking over completely, and nothing on his mind except for the feeling of his lover’s devotion to his pleasure. Seth’s hips bucked, meeting the strokes of his hand, and propelling him across the point of no return. He grit his teeth so as not to make too much noise, his breathing coming in jagged gasps, and his long pent-up load pumping from his balls up through his shaft and out the tip of his cock like a fire hydrant of teenage sexual release. Five, six, seven pulses of his cum had shot out the tip, blasting up to his own face, and covering his massive pecs and washboard abs. Eight, nine, ten…they just kept coming. His mind emptied completely, he saw only white, and his entire body felt like it had just been set on fire. Finally, as his balls seemed to have no more left to expel, his breathing slowed, and his grip on his cock loosened. He fell asleep with his last awakened thoughts being of Corey and how badly his candle burned for the other.

Across town, Corey had found himself somehow in the same situation. As the gloom of his present situation shrouded all his thoughts in darkness, he was replaying the scene in the hospital over and over again, telling Seth that he was in love with someone else. He felt excruciating pain at the look of anguish on Seth’s face, and somehow his mind contrasted to the hope and desire he had Seen as Seth bent towards him for that kiss. And the more he thought about that look, the more he focused on the kiss. Corey had never shared a kiss like that with anyone before. He thought that kissing Kyle had been hot, romantic, even full of love. But, whether it was because he knew better what Kyle was like now or because he had something else to compare it to, he realized that what he felt when he kissed Seth was on an entirely different scale.

The hunger in Seth’s motions, the passion in his embrace, the way he desired Corey in a way Kyle never had…it all came to the forefront of Corey’s mind. Corey too felt himself starting to grow hard. For a moment, all he wanted was to kiss Seth again, to feel Seth’s hands roaming across his body again. His underwear went tight as they tented up painfully, his dick pulsing with desperation. He slid a hand inside the waistband and gave it a few tugs, feeling his skin instantly heat up all over his body.

He dragged his briefs partway down his legs, enough to free up his hardon, and started jacking off. He thought about Seth’s incredible muscular body; how it had felt pressed up against him tight on his hospital bed. Seth’s square jaw and chiseled features, those giant arms, and rock hard chest. Corey’s desire deepened, and he felt his burning passion starting to rise.

All of a sudden, the look on Seth’s face when he heard Corey’s lie came back to Corey’s mind, and he instantly lost his erection. Corey scrunched up his face, desperately trying to hold the tears back. He pulled his underwear back up roughly, and threw himself onto his side. He grabbed a pillow, holding it against himself tightly, and went back to wallowing in his pity. After what felt like several hours, he eventually fell into a dream-filled sleep; where shadows pursued him, and he had nowhere to run. His mom knocked gently at his door later that evening, but when she heard his light snores, she left him be…

That weekend was one of the worst of Corey’s life. He shut himself in his room, turned off his phone, and ignored his computer. He bundled himself up in his bed and spent his days drifting in and out of a restless kind of trance. He would find himself crying soft tears from time to time, and mentally berate himself for his weakness. He had no future, he realized, with any other person. He was destined to be alone like this until his disease got to him in the end. He had no intention of trying again to kill himself, clearly it wasn’t necessary. He could just bide his time and let this virus do it to him itself. There were so many thoughts competing for attention in his head, and all of them bitter and full of self-pity.

A few times he thought about calling James, and pretending that he had told Seth and that he had been right. But each time he thought about it, the idea of lying to someone else just made him feel sick. If he could go back in time, he wasn’t sure he would have changed his mind at the boardwalk. The icy waters of the St. Mary’s could have taken him much less painfully than what he was facing now.

Corey’s parents were worried, but they weren’t sure they should interrupt their son. Clearly he had just gone through something traumatic, but teenagers don’t open up on command. If he wanted to discuss it with them, he would bring it to them himself. They languished amongst themselves over what Corey might have dealt with, but without any desire to add further trauma to his current state. One or the other of his parents would check on him every now and then, knocking on his door, making sure he had a glass of water on the desk next to the bed, and letting him know there was food ready if he was hungry. Each time they came into his room, he pretended to be asleep. The last thing Corey could handle right now was sitting around his parents knowing what he knew, and with them being clueless.

As Sunday evening came, and the school week loomed large in his thoughts, Corey made the decision to stop going to school. He would tell his parents he didn’t feel well, and see how long he could make it last until he finally had to tell them the truth. He was sure he could buy himself a few weeks before he had to tell them the truth. And once he did, he was sure he could convince them to let him continue his studies from home…or from the hospital more likely. He had no desire to see any of his peers again. Except that wasn’t true, he had a burning desire for Seth. But no matter what he wanted to let himself believe, his insecurity—and his experience with Kyle—ensured there was no chance he would act on those desires. He fell asleep that night with a little more ease, at least knowing he had some sort of a plan. It wasn’t much, but at least he chose it for himself and it wasn’t decided by anyone else.

Monday morning was rough for Seth. He had barely responded to texts or calls from Scott or Julie, told them he was busy with helping his dad. He had spent much of the weekend in his homemade gym in the basement, pumping iron to clear his thoughts. It worked, but the effect only lasted as long as his exercise, and he eventually needed to come back to block out everything else he was feeling. His body was as hard and defined as ever, but his mind was an absolute mess. He got up when his alarm went off, but he hadn’t been asleep for hours. He felt his body aching from lack of sleep, and his eyes felt sore and dry. He wandered into the bathroom and got into the shower, turning the heat up as high as it would go. The burning drops of water on his body felt purifying, and for the first time since he left the hospital, he felt himself relax. And as the spray of the faucet beat down on him, he allowed himself to cry. His tears of anger, sadness, and rejection felt welcome as he finally let go of his restraint. His emotions were swirling, and he thought back to that evening in California over the summer when he had found his cousin in bed with his lover. That had felt like anguish at the time, but Seth realized now, that was nothing compared to the feeling of Corey telling him he was in love with someone else.

He didn’t know how, he couldn’t explain to himself why, but the feelings he had for Corey were much stronger than anything he had felt before; Tommy had been a blip on his heart, Corey was the whole thing. He cried himself out, until there was nothing left to give, and went on with his shower. Cleaning the weekends grief, and exercise off, until he was clean and feeling a little more awake. Emotionally he was completely drained, but physically he felt somewhat more alive. He wasn’t hungry, but after getting dressed for school he threw some bread into the toaster and ate it with some cream cheese once it popped. He made himself a cup of coffee, and prepared lunch for him and his father. He left the larger portion on top of the stove with a post-it note on top with just the word EAT, underlined three times. He went up to his father’s room to check on him, and found him still passed out, empty beer bottles scattered around the floor next to the bed. Seth cringed, and quietly picked up the bottles and closed the door to his father’s room behind him.

With only a few minutes left to make it to school on time, Seth grabbed his bag and went out the door. He threw his bag into the passenger seat of his car, got in, and started the engine. He sat there motionless for a couple of minutes before finally taking a deep breath, putting the engine in reverse, and pulling out of the driveway. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this empty in his life; maybe it was when his mom had passed away. But even then, he had thought he had his dad to comfort him…now, he knew better.

Seth noticed the empty chair where Corey normally sat right away. It was first period, and the bell had already rung. Corey was never late to class, let alone absent from school entirely—he had nearly perfect attendance! Seth knew it wasn’t his place, Corey had made that crystal clear, but he couldn’t stop himself from worrying about the other boy. All through that first class of the day, he couldn’t concentrate on anything. By the time the bell had rang for second period to start, both Julie and Scott who hadn’t been with Seth in first period, were worried about their friend. He barely responded to either of them, and if he did it was with a one-word answer. His laugh was hollow and forced when they made a joke, and his face wasn’t hiding his depression at all. When his last class of the day had ended, he headed for the changing rooms. Tonight was football practice and as team Captain, it was his job to lead the plays. The locker room was already full when he arrived, with the boys laughing and yelling and joking around with each other. He barely noticed any of it as he went to his locker and started getting changed into his uniform. One of his friends clapped him on the shoulder and said something, but he wasn’t paying attention and responded with only a smile—which looked more like a grimace. Finally, they were all ready and they headed out to the field.

It was the worst practice of Seth’s life. He was unfocused, he called the wrong plays, and he dropped the ball twice…something he had never done at practice ever before. Everyone could see that he was out of it. Coach Santos pulled him aside halfway through practice to ask him what the hell was going on. Their coach wasn’t one to mince words, and his support maxed out as told his star player to get a grip and get his ass in gear.

Seth rallied, and the second half of their practice was somewhat better than the first; he found that if he concentrated on the far end of the field where the opponents goalposts would be, he was able to push thoughts of Corey to the back of his mind temporarily.

When Coach Santos blew his whistle to let the team know it was time to hit the showers, Seth was able to sidestep his friends and make his way out of their view without them noticing. He made his way over to the track; the last members of the relay team had gathered their things just a few minutes before, and he had the track entirely to himself. He didn’t enjoy jogging very much, but he started off at an easygoing pace; making his way around the track a couple of times. He was starting to sweat, and the sun was setting when he decided to pick up the pace. The more energy he poured into his run, the less he had to put into his thoughts. He went around the track a few more times, finally breaking out into a full sprint. He wasn’t able to keep this pace up for very long, and after one last lap of the track, he stopped, nearly collapsing on the track. Seth’s chest was heaving, he was completely out of breath, and for the second time that day he allowed himself to break down, and found himself sitting on the track, hugging his legs, and pouring his heart out to the emptiness around him.

Seth didn’t know how long he stayed like that, but he had no desire to return home and see the state his father was in. He had nothing to look forward to. There was only one person he wanted to see, and that person had made it clear that he did not return Seth’s feelings. Finally as the last hints of the sunset were starting to fade, Seth got up and returned to the locker room. He knew the janitors were still working at this hour, and the door would not yet be locked. He prayed that there was no one left inside that would try to start a conversation, and it felt like the only time that day that things had gone his way when he found the change room and the showers empty.

After he had packed up his stuff, he walked to his car, and once again spent a few minutes just sitting in his seat before starting up the engine. The sense of hopelessness was new to Seth, he had always had an idea of what he wanted to do next no matter what situation he found himself in. He had always felt like there was someone he could talk to who could help him if he needed it. But no one could help him with Corey. If the other boy didn’t love him back, that was all there was to it.

Seth thought about starting his car and just driving away. Going wherever the roads led him. But he knew he couldn’t just abandon his father; it was only because of Seth’s care that Nate Johnson hadn’t already died. He didn’t cook for himself, he didn’t bathe himself, and more often than not he drank himself into the abyss. Seth always made sure to keep an eye on his father, ready to call an ambulance if Nate went unresponsive. He cooked for his father, cleaned him up, and made sure that the house wasn’t entirely falling apart. If he took off…it was not going to be long before Nate died from his lifestyle, and Seth couldn’t handle thinking about that eventuality.

When he arrived home, Seth saw that his father had gone from being passed out in his bedroom upstairs, to being passed out on the filthy couch in the living room. A new collection of empty bottles scattered over the floor. Seth walked to the kitchen and saw that his father had, at least, eaten the food that Seth had cooked for him that morning. Although he had crumpled up the post-it note and threw it on the floor, and the dishes he had left were haphazardly strewn about on the counter and in the sink. Seth took a deep breath to stave off his sense of hopelessness, and started cleaning up.

After a simple meal of chicken, rice, and vegetables—the larger portion of which he left for his dad in the usual place—Seth went upstairs to start his homework. Having paid nearly zero attention in his classes that day, his thoughts consumed by Corey’s perpetually empty seat, he didn’t make much headway. At just before ten o’clock that night, Seth heard a car pull into his driveway.

Corey’s parents had exchanged startled glances that morning when Corey told them that he wasn’t feeling well, and was not going to be going to school. They weren’t about to argue with him, he had just gotten out of the hospital! But they knew their son well enough to know that he was not telling them the truth…or at least, nowhere near the full truth. There wasn’t much they could do about it, or at least they didn’t think it was a good idea to press the subject so soon after whatever it was had happened, so they acquiesced. His mom forced him to eat breakfast with them; she sat down and watched him to make sure he swallowed his food. Corey felt nauseous the entire time, and his throat was so dry it felt like sandpaper. But he somehow managed to chew his meal, which felt like cardboard, and swallowed it to the satisfaction of his mother.

His parents kissed him goodbye, directed him to leave the door locked while they were gone, and go straight back to bed. He waved them goodbye, and did exactly as they had told him. Only forty minutes or so after having gotten out of bed, he was back in it, and this time Corey breathed a sigh of relief. ‘So far, so good’ he thought to himself.

Corey got out of bed in the afternoon, finding he just couldn’t stay in bed any longer, and sat down in the living room to watch some television. He drank some water, his mouth still felt unbelievably dry, and he zoned out to the trash that was daytime television. His mom called shortly after, and he answered the phone knowing it would make her feel better if he did. He assured her he was okay, that she had just woken him up from bed, and that he was going back to sleep immediately. He channel surfed for awhile, suddenly coming across a news channel that was finishing up the end of the hour-long broadcast of mainly depressing stories from around the world with one feel-good puff-piece.

The story was about a man from some small eastern European country. He had been a child when a civil war broke out, and different factions had waged bloody crusades against one another for supremacy, committing all kinds of atrocities. He had been with his family in a small village when they heard screams and gunfire coming from not far away. The mother and all of her children including this boy, had immediately left everything they owned and their house, and made a run for it, heading to the next closest village for help. Their mother was older and had a bad leg, a wound from an earlier war in the country. Their father had died in that war, and it was just the children and their mother. She knew she wasn’t going to make it very far, and she made her eldest son, the man the story was about, promise her that he would make sure his brother and sisters made it out of the village safe. Even if she didn’t catch up, he had to promise her he would get them out safe. He made the promise, and every now and then as they ran he would look back to make sure their mother was still following behind them as he kept his siblings going.

At some point, he looked back, and he didn’t see her anymore. And he knew he would never see her again. The children had continued to hear the gunshots going off behind them, and they ran for miles and miles to make it to the next village. As the boy corralled what was left of his family to safety, a man approached them. The boy didn’t know if the man was a friend or foe, but he screamed out to the man, begging for his help. The man found his way to the children and was able to get them back to his home. It was there that the man found that the eldest boy had taken a bullet to his side.

The civil war ended when the United Nations sent peacekeepers into the country to prevent any further military action, only a few days after the boy and his brother and sisters had made it into the safety of this stranger’s home. The siblings were all rescued by a group of peacekeepers, and they were sent to an orphanage; all except the eldest boy who was in bad shape in the hospital. The man visited the boy in the hospital every day, making sure someone was keeping an eye on him all the time, telling the doctors that he was the boy’s older brother. Months went by, and the man came back to the hospital each day, holding his hand, and eventually helping him eat, helping him walk, helping him go to the bathroom. When the boy finally had healed enough to leave the hospital, he went looking for his brother and sisters, and left the man’s village.

Years later, as an adult, the boy never forgot the bravery, kindness, and selflessness of the man. He spent years trying to find him, to thank him for everything he had done, and now, finally after all that time, he found him. The news showed their reunion, the hug the two shared, now both men, was so full of emotion, Corey found himself tearing up. ‘What an incredible story!’ The story ended with an interview with both men, and it showed them laughing and smiling and crying with happiness. It was obvious that they shared a bond, that the trauma they had lived through together, even for a short time, bonded them for life. Both men said they loved the other as actual brothers, and at the very end the other brother and both sisters came into the interview to officially meet the man that had saved them.

It wasn’t like Corey could relate to what the man in the story had gone through; however the part about being bonded by the trauma they had lived through together stuck on him…it was purely chance that he happened upon that story in the news, he never would normally have been watching tv at that time, or even that channel. But something had changed in Corey, and he was finding himself feeling angry at himself for giving up so easily. He had never before shied away from things when they got difficult, and though this may be the most difficult part of his life so far, he didn’t WANT to give up.

He turned off the television, feeling like he might finally have an idea of what to do next. It was terrifying, and he had no expectation that anything would work out any better than if he did just give up, but at least he would be able to tell himself that he tried. Corey took a shower, got changed, and just after four o’clock, he left the house and locked the door behind him.

Corey knew, more-or-less, what part of town Seth lived in. But he didn’t know exactly which street. It was just after six o’clock by the time he’d parked himself on what he hoped was the right street, after having stopped at the pharmacy to finally fill out and pick up his new prescriptions. The pharmacist had sat him down to go over the same directions James had already told him, three more times. She didn’t want him to leave, she was so concerned by this boy’s diagnosis, she refused to take his word for it that he did, in fact, understand the instructions. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally let him go. He didn’t want to think about the hefty containers in his car at the moment, that would only make his task harder. He walked up to the first house and knocked on the door. “Uh, hi. I’m looking for the Johnson’s house, Seth Johnson?” The girl who had answers the door, probably just a few years younger than himself, gaped up at him in shock. “Wait! You’re Corey Silver! Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! Can I please get an autograph?” Corey plastered his best fake smile on his face. He’d had to get really good at doing these or he wouldn’t have survived, he HATED this part of being on a television show. It had been hard enough when he had to return to school and the principal and his parents had had to have a sit down meeting a month before school returned to plan out how to deal with paparazzi and security. But there was nothing you could do about the fans, they seemed to be everywhere.

Corey resigned himself to signing the ‘Empty Spaces’ special edition blow-dryer the girl came running back to the door with, amazed at the lengths corporations will go to to make a buck. He signed along the handle with the black sharpie she’d provided him with, and asked again, “do you know where Seth Johnson lives? The Johnsons?” She shook her head, and Corey turned around and left, hanging his shoulders in frustration. The next few houses were no help either, although thankfully he wasn’t asked for any more autographs; he was, however, invited to come in for a drink with a very talkative lady who must have been at least in her 70’s, and who kept finding excuses to touch his chest and his arm. He ran away from her without bothering to ask about Seth’s house again. He went down the first street and turned to get up to the next cross street, probably spent at least an hour knocking on doors. No one seemed to have any clue who the Johnsons were, or where they lived.

Sunset had come and gone, and it was almost nine o’clock. His parents had called twice, worried out of their minds when they didn’t find him at home and he hadn’t left a note. But he assured them he had just gone back to talk to the doctor about how he was feeling, and that he would be home soon. They reluctantly told him to do what he needed to feel better, but to come home soon. Corey was almost ready to give up and go home when he spotted a house with a car he was sure he recognized from somewhere. He was thinking it might have been someone from school. He knocked on the door, and amazingly Seth’s friend Josh Woodman answered the door. He looked surprised to see Corey standing there. Corey was so relieved that he’d found someone who would definitely be able to point him to Seth’s house, that he probably smiled a bit too enthusiastically. Josh regarded him with a strange look and Corey, flustered, let his smile falter. “Uh, hey Josh. I know this is kinda weird, but I need to talk to Seth. Can you tell me his address?” Josh looked at him like he was an alien, “did you think about maybe using your phone to call him?” ‘Why was he being so difficult!’ “Uh, I don’t have his number, and I kind of need to see him in person.” Josh looked at him for a little while longer, “it’s important!” Corey added, impatience starting to get the best of him. Finally, he pointed at the intersection, “he’s a few blocks south on Dupont, corner Dupont and Charleston. If he’s home, you’ll know it because of that beautiful new car he got himself. If he’s not home, you’ll know it because his dad will be yelling and hollering like a crazy person.” With that, Josh closed the door.

Not giving two fucks about Josh Woodman, he ran down the block to where he had parked his car, and practically tore the door open. He pulled open the gps and headed to the corner of Dupont and Charleston. When he got there, he was relieved to see that Seth’s shiny new Aston Martin was there. Unfortunately, even if that meant Seth was home, he looked at the state of the home and gulped with dread. ‘What the fuck am I about to walk into…’ Corey walked up to the door, and knocked. The entire door and its frame seemed like it was moments away from falling off its hinges—when he heard someone yell, “GAH! What the fuck was that?? SETH! Get the fucking door you useless piece of shit!”

Corey was not sure how to react, but he didn’t have much time to think about it. Just a moment later the door swung open, and Seth stood there, his handsome face contorted with anger and pain, sweat dripping off his brow. He saw it was Corey and his expression darkened. “Oh, it’s you. What do you want?” Corey was speechless, he could not imagine what Seth was going through. Was this his life? Was that really his dad? How did I not know what was going on? ‘Because I never cared enough to ask, he was always just some dumb jock, remember?’ Corey hated himself in that moment, felt ill with remorse. He grabbed Seth’s hand and pulled him gently out of the house, Seth resisted at first but then finally allowed himself to be steered outside. Corey walked until they were at the end of the driveway, and where they couldn’t hear any noise from the house anymore. He took a deep breath, and looked up into Seth’s eyes, wishing he would stop looking at Corey like that.

“I lied to you. At the hospital. I was scared, so I told you I couldn’t be with you because I was in love with someone else. I had been in love with someone else, but that was before he broke my heart. And I had given up on him years ago anyway. He has nothing to do with why I was pushing you away.” Seth folded his arms in front of his chest, “what do you mean, scared of what?” Corey looked pleadingly at Seth, wishing he would give him some sign that he wasn’t going to just squash his dreams and stamp all over his heart, but the other boy just looked at him, without any discernible emotion on his face. “I…got some news at the hospital. Bad news. I’m still kind of trying to process it. But it was bad enough that it terrified me, and it also made me scared that you would reject me. So I made up the lie about being in love with someone else so that you wouldn’t have a chance to hurt me.” Seth finally dropped his anger, confusion taking its place. “Why would I reject you? I told you, I…care about you. A lot by the way, more than I thought I would. And, I think, more than you care about me.” Corey felt like he’d been slapped in the face, but he knew he deserved it. “You’re wrong,” he said, taking a small, tentative step towards Seth. “I lied to you, I protected myself, because I knew you had the power to hurt me; BECAUSE I like you so much. Seth…that day, at the hospital…I found out that I have HIV.” Corey shut his eyes as he finished speaking, he was so scared to see how Seth reacted, he couldn’t look. He was pretty sure he was going to hear Seth’s footsteps heading away from him, back towards the house. Or that he’d tell Corey to have a nice life or something. He wasn’t sure he could handle it after all, he was regretting coming here and he would have given anything to be curled up in his bed by himself. But that was when he felt Seth pull him forward, felt the muscular boy’s massive arms wrap around him, and felt Seth’s face press against his neck. “I am so fucking sorry Corey! I am so fucking sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t trust me to tell me. If I made you feel like I would abandon you. I am just so fucking sorry!”

Corey could feel Seth trembling around him, and knew the bigger boy was crying. He finally opened his eyes, and looked up at the rugged, handsome face that continued to surprise him again and again. “Fuck. You have nothing to be sorry for, I’m the asshole who didn’t trust you, even after you saved my life. Please don’t be sorry, just please don’t let me go!” Seth smiled down at the sexy, incredible guy he had in his arms. He was so happy, he thought his heart might burst. He kissed Corey, harder and rougher than he meant to, he was just so relieved that he had him there, standing in his driveway, held tightly in his arms. It was Corey who broke off the kiss, “you’re not scared of me? Of catching the virus?” Seth shrugged, “I’ll go on PrEP. You just got the news, right? You’ll probably need some time to adjust to your medication…I’ve heard at the beginning it can be rough. I promise you one thing though, I’ll hold your hand through the whole thing, I won’t leave your side. I wish I didn’t know this part, but you’re going to feel pretty sick at first, like a horrible flu. But I won’t leave you alone even for a moment, I’m going to take care of you Corey. We won’t be able to…take things further for awhile. But I don’t care, just getting to hold you in my arms again feels incredible. And when you ARE feeling better, I’m going to make love to you for hours. And when I’m making love to you, I want you to feel me, without any barriers, just me throbbing deep inside you. And when I can’t hold back any longer, I want you to feel it all; I want you to feel me filling you. I’ve only slept with one other person, and I thought I was in love with him, but it was nothing compared to how I feel about you. I’m not scared of you, I’m not scared of a virus, and I’m not going to put latex between us: I want it to be just you and me…”

Corey couldn’t believe how well Seth was taking this, he also did not gloss over the part where he told him how badly he wanted to be inside Corey, raw no less! But he was shocked to learn how much Seth seemed to know about the whole thing. “My cousin’s friend…” he trailed off. He shook his head, clearly upset about something, but he kept going, “my cousin’s friend is HIV positive, and I got to know him a bit when I was in California this summer.” Corey was so curious about what happened in California, he didn’t want to rush Seth, but Seth now knew his deepest secrets… “was this the guy that broke your heart?” Seth shook his head, “no, in hindsight I probably should have spent more time with this guy, he was really cool too and I doubt I would have gotten hurt the same way. He was also super open about everything, I had never met anyone who was poz before, and I had so many questions. He never made me feel stupid or rude for asking. I’m actually so happy that I did, because I feel like I can be a better boyfriend to you because of everything I learned about HIV from him.”

Corey’s heart had done a somersault when Seth had said ‘boyfriend’. He hadn’t really thought about their relationship if they actually ended up together after his big revelation. “You want to be my boyfriend?” he asked cautiously. Seth looked at him in surprise, “is that not what you want? I thought…” Corey shook his head violently, “no! It’s what I want! Oh god do I want that! I just…hadn’t considered that it might actually happen.” Seth looked down at him, and smiled. The first full smile Corey had ever seen on his face, not mixed with concern, sadness, or any other emotion. Just pure happiness, and it made his handsome face look even sexier. “Corey, will you please be my boyfriend?” Corey grabbed Seth roughly and shoved his tongue in the other boy’s mouth. Seth held onto Corey like a vice, squeezing him close—as tightly as he could without hurting him. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Corey pulled away, “I’m yours Seth. For as long as you want me.

It was then that they hard a crazed yell coming from behind them; so loud they both jumped, and with so much hatred that both boys were chilled to their very cores. Seth’s face went white, all the blood draining from his face when his father screamed “FUCKING FAGGOTS! GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY!”