James told him about college, and how he’d ended up leaving East Carmel only to end up in Renssalaer at a college where there were even fewer Black people. When Noah asked him if he minded, he said he didn’t, that it would just be setting himself up for a world that wasn’t real if he surrounded himself with people who looked just like him.
“It’s good to know what really is out there,” James said, “so that when an election year comes you’re not surprised.”
He said there was so little to do in Rensselaer that the biggest news was one Wal Mart and an ice cream place on the river. He and the two friends he had eventually made generally made their Saturday night excitement by going to the Dollar Tree and then Dollar General.
“There’s a lot to do on the campus, though,” James said. “there has to be. It’s a dry campus so they got around that by putting a bar underground.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes. And they mix drugs above ground. Every weekend half the campus is high.”
“What about you?” Noah looked at him, fascinated.
“I tried LSD,” James said. “Once. One and done. It’s not over when you want it to be over.”
Noah thought about his drug trips. When he talked about all the people he’d met, he left out the sex, and he wondered if James did too. He wasn’t jealous, but he was curious.
“What else happens?” Noah asked him.
“Lots of nudity. Lots of couches being set on fire.
“They have a cruise lap,” James said, “and it’s a little more elaborate than the one in Rummelsville.”
“You sound like you miss Rummelsville,” Noah grinned at him.
“A little bit. More than I thought I would.”
“The more I’m away. The less I miss it. I miss you, though,” Noah told him. “Maybe if I’d known you’d only go to Renssalaer, I wouldn’t have left.”
But then he said, “I needed to leave. I don’t expect you to understand it, James. I know everyone is going to think I’ve turned into something awful. And there were things I didn’t want to do. But… I don’t know how to explain it… I feel stronger than I ever felt before. I feel strong being who I am now.”
“And that’s why you were afraid when you saw me,” James said.
“Huh?” Noah looked surprised.
“You were different with me. You loved me—”
“Loved you and love you, goddamnit,” Noah told him.
“But you weren’t strong yet. Not when we were together. At least you didn’t think you were.”
“There is this… metal,” Noah said, “That living this life has given me. I know I can do anything. Because I have done anything. And I can’t give it up yet. I know it sounds silly, but I’m not ready to stop being this person yet.”
“I get it,” James said.
“James, sometimes I feel so sexy and so beautiful and so powerful.”
“Do you feel that way now? With me?”
“I feel loved,” Noah said. “But fragile. All the old doubts. All the old me comes out.”
“One day you’re going to have to deal with that.”
“I know,” Noah said, “and it’s not like I don’t deal with it now, but… There is part of me that wishes I’d stayed home, or thinks about going with you. Cause I miss you. But the other part doesn’t know what I would do if I went back.”
“I do get it,” James said. “If nobody else gets it, I get it. And I miss you. I wish you’d come back too, but it would be like bringing back some kind of wild animal.”
“I’m a wild animal?”
“You always were. You thought you were some sparrow, or something weak and fragile. You never knew how strong you were. And now, with all you’re doing, all the hate you get for it, all the misunderstanding, you are so strong. You’re like a hummingbird, not a sparrow, and I don’t think hummingbirds belong in Indiana.”
James kissed Noah’s cheek, and when he responded, then he kissed his throat.
“James…” Noah murmured.
As they stood on the street, James’ hand went to his thigh and Noah murmured, “We shouldn’t.”
“Why?”
“James,” Noah pled as James’ hands went about his waist and he felt himself getting hard, the rest of his body melting, “you know what I do. You know…”
James kissed his throat.
“I can’t imagine us not sleeping together,” he told Noah.
Noah’s hands went around him
“Neither can I,” Noah told him.
“I won’t take anything from you,” James told him, “but I can’t go back home knowing we didn’t have this while I was here.”
Noah placed his cheek on James’ shoulder and felt James’ hand around him.
“God you’re made out of muscle,” James murmured, holding him.
“You can put your metal on tomorrow, okay,” James said. “Tonight just be with me.”
Years later, so much later that it was hard to remember that twenty year old boy, Noah sat across from a good looking young man in his thirties with a trim beard and shoulder length brown hair.
“No one hates you, Dad,” Chay said.
“I used to care about that,” Noah said. “I used to think you would hate me for what I had done, for running off with Paul. It’s not that I don’t love him, I do, and maybe you don’t want to hear that—”
“No,” Chay said, “I totally understand loving two guys at the same time. Being confused.”
Noah nodded, and didn’t say anything when his son took out a cigarette. They were so close in age. They were almost like brothers. There was the slight scent of the cigarette, and Noah said, “It’s your dad. I want to go back to him.”
“Then do it.”
“I wanted to go back right away.”
“Then what’s stopping you? You’re afraid.”
Noah nodded.
“I’m afraid.”
Chay took a sip from his coffee, a drag from his cigarette. He exhaled.
“You want me to see what I can do?”
“What in the world can you do?” Noah said to his son.
“Talk to him. Would you hate it if I sent him to you.”
“Yes,” Noah said, at last. “My whole life—our whole life—that man has come to me. He’s made room for me. He put up with me. I just need his address, Chay. I’m gonna go to him.”
“You know what I think, Dad?”
When Noah only looked at him, Chay said, “I’m going to send someone with you. I think you’re so nervous about seeing Dad you’re going to throw up.”
“Yes, I am,” Noah said. “But I spent my twenties trying to feel hard as steel. Now I need to be hard as steel to do the most important thing I’ve done. I need to be hard as steel to get your dad back.”
“You look like you’re not happy to see me, and I can’t blame you.”
“I’m surprised to see you,” James said. “I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Thought. Or hoped?”
“I’m not sure,” James admitted. Then he said, “Come in.”
He opened the door for his husband and when he shut it, James said, “I wasn’t sure until now.”
“And now?” Noah said.
“You came for me.”
“Of course I came for you,” Noah said. “I would have come for you sooner. I would have come right away. But you deserved your space.”
“Maybe I did,” James said. “Maybe I wanted that space. But I think I really needed to know if you would come for me.”
Then he said, “Would you like something to drink?”
Noah shook his head.
“I do,” James said. Heading into the kitchen of the little apartment he said, “Years ago you said you were a ghost. When I found you. When you were out in California. I said looking at me it looked like you were seeing a ghost. We argued a lot about who the ghost was.”
When James came back he said, “I was always in danger of becoming a ghost. I always waited for you, to let you be who you needed to be. And it whittled me away a bit. So when you went to Paul, I blew away. I became the ghost.”
“I felt like a ghost. Chay is grown. You were with Paul. I’ve been doing a of things to kill the old life.”
Then he said, “Teach us to care and not to care.”
“T.S. Eliot?”
“The Noah I grew up with would never have known that.”
“The Noah you married didn’t know it six weeks ago. I’ve been sitting in the library, reading all of your books, going through all of your stuff. How could I forget I loved you? How could I forget you loved me? How couldn’t I know you?” Noah said. “Of course I’d know you.”
“Because I’ve changed.”
“You aren’t that changed.”
“I’m more changed than you know,” James said. Then he said, “The truth is I didn’t know what to do with you. That part of you that had been with Paul—”
“Please don’t bring up Paul.”
“I have to. That part I didn’t understand. If you could go to him it was because I didn’t fight for us. I’m at fault too.”
“You’re not.”
“Of course I am,” James said. “If I hadn’t sat around like some impassive Buddha, if I had not said, go to him, would you have gone to him?”
When Noah did not answer, James said, “That’s answer enough, really. Isn’t it?”
“I found you,’ Noah said. “I found you and here you are. How couldn’t I know about you? How could I… How could we?”
“Lose ourselves.”
Noah said, “Maybe I will take that drink.”
“Ice is in the freezer,” James said, and Noah went to the kitchen while James sat on the couch.
“You are my true love,” James said simply as Noah put ice in a glass.
“Jamie you’re mine too. I just forget that.”
“I think there is more than one love. I think love is not stingy. I think Paul is your true love too. I think that’s why you struggled. I know Paul. I know it wasn’t just a fling.”
Noah turned to James.
“It was the most painful thing I ever did. I didn’t do it lightly. I made the wrong choice.”
“Maybe,” James said. “I can’t be sure. We’ve both loved other people.”
Noah looked at him surprised.
James laughed.
“I’m not surprised you’ve loved someone else. I’m just surprised you told me. You’ve been closed to me.”
“And you to me,” James said. “I think we always protected each other that way.”
“I think we were protecting outselves,” Noah said.
“Should we go out for tacos? Like we did back then?”
“Yes, Noah said, then poured the rest of his water in the sink.
They sat on the dunes overlooking Lake Michigan and eating tacos and James said, “How did you find me? I told Chay not to let you know.”
“Casey.”
“Of course.”
“He loves you, Jamie.”
“I know,” James said.
“That’s a strange way to say it.”
James shrugged.
“He’s always loved you,” Noah said. “I think he loves you as much as he loves our son.”
“Well,” James said, “we have a long history.”
Not for the first time, Noah wondered about the details of that history, then decided it was none of his business.
They didn’t speak for a while and James watched the gold and blue waves rolling very slowly onto the sand while the rising sun looked on them,.
“And now that you’ve found me,” James said, “How do you feel about what you found?”
“You’re my James,” Noah said. “Are you coming home with me?”
“Not today,’ James said. “I will come. I promise. But not today.”
“Very well,” Noah nodded.
“See,” said James, “I’ve been your James for a long time. Now I need to find a way to be my own James again. You see? I can come back to you anytime the wrong way, but I need to come back to you the right way. Do you see?”
“Then take some time and then find a way to say it to me the right way. But I think you don’t get me at all. I’m your friend. No matter what. I was your best friend. And you were mine. And I came to find my friend. Do you understand now?”
But James did not answer right away. Finally he said:
“We’ve both been bad friends to each other.”
“You’ve always told me,” Noah said, “that you understood, no matter what my foolishness, you understood. Let’s agree to understand each other. Okay?”
“Understand each other, and then understand ourselves. Separate for a bit. Not divorce, but just… learn who we are.”
“Do you want me to go away, then?”
“Absolutely not,” James said. “I just… You think I’m not happy to see you. You have no idea how happy I really am.
“Do you mind if we stay here and just be quiet?” James asked him. “Can we just sit and watch the sunrise? I feel like I haven’t done that in a really long time.”
“You never watch the sunrise over the lake? And you’ve been at the beach house for a month?”
“The sunrise wasn’t why I came,” James said.
“Remember when you first loved me?” Noah began, “You loved me—”
“I still love you, you horrible short little man,” James told him.
“You said you weren’t strong, and you didn’t feel beautiful, that this was why you went to California all those years ago. But, Noah, sometimes I need to feel beautiful and powerful too.”
“Have you feel that way with me?”
“Not in a long time.”
“Of course not,” Noah said. “How could you? I take up all the fucking air in a room. I do get it,” Noah said. “If nobody else gets it, I get it.
Noah kissed James’s cheek, and when he responded, then he kissed his throat.
“Noah…” James murmured.
As they sat on the hillock over the beach, sNoah’s hand went to his thigh and James murmured, “We shouldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Noah,” James pled as Noah’s hands went about his waist, “you know what I do. You know…”
Noah kissed his throat.
“Don’t turn me away, James,” he murmured as the waves broke onto the shore. “I know I don’t deserve it, but don’t turn me away.”
James kissed Noah on his head. There were grey hairs now in those curls, only a few, scarcely visible.
“I won’t take anything from you. I’ll leave you here,” Noah told him, “but I can’t drive back home knowing we didn’t have this while I was here.”
Noah placed his cheek on James’ shoulder and felt James’ hand around him.
Driving home, Noah remembers going back to the house with James, remembers them clinging together and then undressing in the morning light, not shutting the curtains, wanting the sun to be a witness. He remembers making love to James Lewis.
“That’s it! That’s it. That’s—” James groaned.
His hands ran up and down Noah’s back, holding his shoulders, ran down again to caress his thighs as the other man pushed into him. How good he felt! Noah was complete when he was inside of James, held so firmly in his tightness, his pleasure, causing James pleasure.
Noah had been silent a while, but now moans escaped his lips. He moved rapidly, and then stopped himself. But James drew him in and said, “It’s alright. It’s okay. Do it like you need to. Let yourself go.”
Noah fucked him hard. James cried out. He groaned over and over again, hit like he wanted to be hit, accompanying the gentle moaning of Noah who moved inside and above him, sweat soaking his body. In staggered rhythm to James’s shouts, Noah groaned, “Oh—my—G—”
While Noah reached his orgasm, James pulled on his own cock faster and faster. They came together, shouting with surprise, staggering, straining the springs of the bed until with a great sigh, Noah pulled out of James’s body and lay on his back, trembling.
“Goddamn,” James whispered. His legs were still in the air; his knees were still drawn to his chest. He let them down slowly. Noah, mouth parted, looked to the ceiling. His penis, wet, still rose up erect. It was beautiful. After the gentle landscape of Noah’s torso, his flat belly, the cloud of almost black hair, his cock rose up red tipped. James touched the shaft, running his hand up and down. Noah turned his head and saw white semen all up James’s chest and stomach.
Coming into Rossford, brushing a tear from his cheek and laughing to tell himself because he is a fool, knowing his husband will come back, he remembers, laying face to face with James, telling him, as he runs a hand over his brown body.
“You are sexy… and powerful… and above all… most beautiful. The only beauty.”
