Barfing Up The Wrong Tree

Seeing the plight of my many friends in the United States, I felt it incumbent on me to reach into my recipe file and find yet another soluble solace sauce that will be of aid to man and beast. It's called,

SNOW TONIC AND HAIR RESTORER

Here are the basic things you'll need before you begin preparation:

I Snowplow, well cleaned with special attention to the bucket

3 Coleman Stoves, fully gassed and ready to go

2 Snow Shovels, Metal, not Plastic.

1 Large Outdoor Space, A parking lot or drive way will do nicely

First, position the stoves with all their burners exposed in a line on the ground. Light them and turn to medium flame. Move the bucket of the snow plow over the three stoves and lower until heat is perceptible but paint on the outside is only bubbling, not burning.

To test for correct heat, empty Five Gallons of Cognac (or Armagnac or Kirschwasser or Brandy-your choice) into the bucket. Wait ten minutes, give or take, and using a candy thermometer, take the temperature of the fluid.(During this lull, samplings are encouraged.) When the bucket begins to steam and the smell of spirits hangs in the air, add a shovel full of PUREWhite Snow. Nothing yellow, nothing brown, nothing scraped from cars.Stir vigorously until the steaming stops.

Add one 55 gallon drum of non-blended Kentucky Bourbon.Toss in two gross cinnamon sticks. Stir briskly and add the juice of twenty lemons and three gallons of (non alcoholic, this is for medicine, not drunkenness) apple cider. (The kind that looks as if it has mucus in it, not the clear stuff that is sold as "juice".)Add a shovel full of cranberries, lemon rind, cloves, another scoop of snow and mix well. Stir until you're tired.

Take a glass for "proofing" purposes and drink it.Allow to stand until a rich, scented steam pervades the area again.Take the temperature again. As you approach 200 degrees, turn off the stoves and quickly cover the bucket with layers of tarp and fir boughs. Let sit over night.

Put a sample in a small retort cup and expose to flame.If it flames, cover and continue the aging process. Eventually you will get to a point where flame added to the mixture will blow the retort cup up. Tonic is now ready.

To serve, restart the Coleman Stove and heat to 120 degrees.

Best served in heavy mugs or steins, but not given out in pitchers. I realize beer is often served that way but, trust me, more than 24 ounces at once can take the starch and clearing ability from snow removers and, while it would make an amusing photo op, rows of seats covered with locals "sleeping it off" is poor publicity on a national level.

I've known girly men to put a dollop of whipped cream on top but that action is really for the ladies auxiliary. Of course there have been reports of men, girly or otherwise, making their own batch and then lolling about in it. You may remember that hair restorer is listed in the title? That's kind of an "oops" on my part. In my recipe file the recipe for hair restorer and this beverage got stuck together but, too late, I'd already handed it to the steering committee for the Buffalo Bills and, well, we now know that the word "restorer" should be "remover". (I shouldn't tell you this but....as it cools, ladies who are pain sensitive, have been to jump in to avoid the vicissitudes of a Brazilian Wax.)Actually when too many have had whatever removed, it's probably a good idea to make up a new lot. Of course, strained, the first trough full is still perfectly good for other purposes although I strongly suggest drinking from it is a poor to bad idea.

I don't know this but....it was rumoured that fucking whilst immersed in this made men's , uhm, you know, that thing, that thing that's on the front of a saddle....no, goddam it, not the horse, what hangs under the horse.....how did you get in here anyway?Are you some spy from Chicago? Where was I. Oh, this fluid has been known to have stiffening properties, one urologist (name upon request) said that instead of prescribing Alprostadil which had to be injected at the base of the cock in six different places, he was now selling this at his reception desk under the trade name, "Doc Johnson's Stick Stiffener and Hair Removal Tonic". Uhm, I understand the AMA, FDA as well as CDC have all sent cheery notes to the good doctor commenting on the contents, the shoddy packaging and the complete lack of study for efficacy. On the other hand, the American Urological Society has endorsed it as has Planned Parent Hood, The Universities of Texas, Alabaman, USC, Notre Dame, West Virginia, LSU, Purdue and Slippery Rock Football teams are buying it by the (freight) car load and the various conferences are meeting to decide how to apportion it out among their member schools.

Recipe may be doubled, tripled or more. For towns with cold grounds and wanting warm hearts, a clean tanker truck may be used. Substitute Propane tanks for the Coleman stoves and shake by shifting quickly from first to reverse. Borrow a hose with a step down nozzle from the fire department to serve. Particularly useful by places with large football stadia, lots of snow and ice and a necessity to remove the snow and ice. Ask for volunteers, after the first year you show up with the tanker and serve this, volunteers will appear on bright, shiny days when college boys are wearing shorts, have team colours painted on their chests and are wearing head gear that approximates a dairy product. Make it a town tradition but, this is a suggestion that at some point you'll find important, limit volunteers to ONLY those who can prove they are locals; When you begin to find licenses from Cleveland or Tampa, not to mention passports from Korea or Finland, it's getting out of hand.And, no, even if the Finns promise a tanker ship full of their famous Glog, they must be politely refused and turned away.

Appropriate for all occasions save those places who have as part of their bylaws a temperance oath. In this instance, find out what geographical area this unfortunate bit of legislation covers and then position your mixing facilities just outside it. In two cases, a serving or two of this was the primary reason for the temperance oath to be revoked and, this again is gossip, the mayor's wife led the movement after some was slipped in her Ovaltine whereupon she arrived at his office, during a meeting of law enforcement personnel, threw him on his desk, swiped a pair of hand cuffs from the police chief-with her teeth-ripped off his pants and fucked him stupid. (although some said he was that way to begin with)The good lady, not satisfied (as it were) then headed for the fire station where her farts were lit and propelled her up the pole and the whole duty section was, according to complaint filed by the Fire Captain with the District Attorney, molested, sexually abused and various others indignities were practiced upon them. The mayor didn't bother to stand for election next time but his wife, sweet in lace organza, won by a land slide on her platform of having a public drinking fountain plumbed to deliver this simple mendicant and remover of inhibitions. (Not all is gold that glitters, after a stretch of interstate that formerly passed that town had the restraining walls torn down and new paths to city centre made, the town was billed for a new off ramp system.)

Nutritionist have noted that since this delightful beverage has been available, high school students attendance is up and they will eat the cafeterias infamous Brussell Sprout, Kale, Mango and Tongue casserole. Too, their foot ball team, while now hairless, has racked up an astounding record not only on the field where the sight of even a trash can full above the end zone creates initiative to run for it but in court where their record for beverage related crimes is somewhat longer than the Oxford English Dictionary and, one must add, far more interesting. The boys in brown and puce won the state championship, 198 to zero. (Well, truth in reporting.Somehow, the opposing team for the big game got a flask or two of the pride of the town and...drank it straight down. You've heard the expression "unable to answer the bell"? They were unable to answer the marching band playing C above F major in a closed room.But what a fun game. Just to have something on the field, the cheer leaders gamely took the places of those fallen in the dressing room.Really, this extended the game as, not infrequently, a cheer leader was deemed the after point and, it's my understanding, film of that was NOT shown at eleven.

It won't take away the snow but it will allow you to forget it until you wake up. When falling to the ground, it's best to fall in groups. Body heat goes a long way in preventing hypothermia.

This recipe is NOT copyrighted and may be reproduced and shared as may seen necessary or a good idea. I'd like to thank Mrs..Epps Home Ec. Class for their contributions in decorating the 'Dozers that were used for the still pictures and Mrs. Euphemia (Boom Boom)Epps for her many contributions to the crew in keeping them warm-her class that knitted those cute socks for one leg deserve a special meniton.

We are currently in talks with the NFL, NBA, NHL American and National Baseball leagues to replace their sports drink with our product based on cost studies and performance reports.

Preliminary studies are in the works for something to be served in the heat of summer to take away sunburn and prevent Melanoma. A PR hand out will be made as work advances.