A Longing

Prelude

The small stand of trees had grown up over the years. Small trees trying to reach the sunlight grew thin and spindly among the second growth trees, and bushes filled the perimeter enclosing the area. Within the shaded canopy the air was cooler, comforting in some manner not fully understood. And it was never quiet, not really, if one stood still and listened. Bird song and the chirping, buzzing or clicking of insects, all in search of a partner. 

Near the edge of the wood, behind the brush he hid, down on his knees where he could watch unseen. For as long as his heart could bare it, he watched. Across the narrow open ground with its cut grass, down to the water’s edge of the small pond and out on the old pier his eyes focused, for there sat the object of his desires. Shirtless, skin glistening in the late morning sun, muscles flexing with every move, casting the lure into the calm clear water, the slow reeling in with the occasional small jerk, and when there was a pull against the lure the fight to reel in the catch. He watched every move as he looked with longing at the physical body, the long lean torso with arms muscled from the labors of farming.  The familiar face angular, with strong jaw and thin lips below a prominent nose. He pictured the face up close, knowing every detail. The vivid blue eyes, the slight arc of eyebrow over each, the sandy brown hair that would have blonde streaks by summer’s end and the sparse beard that barely covered the chin and around the mouth. And there was the scar, nearly invisible now, but he knew it was there, could just make out its faint white line on the right cheek where a strand of fencing cut it six years ago.

Knees aching and jeans getting wet from the damp ground, he ignored it, keeping in place, knowing it had to be near noon, the sun almost directly overhead. It wouldn’t be long, and the object of his longing would reel in the lure, close the small tackle box, grab up the plastic bucket and head to his home. He would watch every move, not moving till this object of his longing was gone and he was once again alone.

Six Years Earlier

“Come on, Justin, get your ass up; father’s waiting for us at the barn” Eli called from the door to the bedroom they shared.

Justin rolled over, stretched his arms and legs out feeling the ache in his muscles. He seemed to hurt all over and the thought of another day like the past week made him feel tired, even after a night’s sleep. His father couldn’t just do the normal farm operations then rest up between plantings and harvest. He had to find other tasks to do, create some job that needed to be done, one that always involved his two sons, Elijah now fourteen, beginning to look like the man he’d grow up to be, and Justin, two years younger, who was taller than Eli had been but skinnier, so rail thin Eli made fun of him.

He swung his aching legs over the side of the bed and glanced up at the window and could tell it was still night out since no light filtered around the blinds. Down the hall he heard his mother in the kitchen as he became aware of the familiar scent of sausage and bacon being cooked. He knew she woke when his father did, making sure they had a decent breakfast before going out to do their labors.

Justin pulled on a pair of old jeans and a stretched worn t-shirt, clothes only fit to wear working on the farm, slipped socks on each foot and headed to the bathroom. As he stood at the lavatory brushing his teeth he thought of the last week, down at the back of the property where his father had decided to clear ten more acres for farming. The trees had been cut down and hauled away and the stumps pushed up by a caterpillar into large piles. Then their work began. The burning of each pile day by day, slowly consuming the stumps and their roots, and while the diesel fueled fires burned, they walked the ten acres, picking up roots. Some had to be cut out of the ground with an ax, while others could be pulled from the disturbed soil, foot after foot of root coming free of its hold in the earth.

Justin knew they would have to work all day, stopping only for a drink of water or lunch. By the time the sun was low in the western sky, and the three of them filthy from head to toe with the smell of fires on their skin and in their hair, he would feel an exhaustion he had not known till this past week.

At the small dining table in the kitchen everyone took their place, his father at one end and Eli at the other with he and his mother on one side, the other too close to the wall to sit. For the last three days he noticed the lack of the usual talk, only his mother making a comment from time to time and his father replying with short curt answers; yes, no, maybe, and I don’t know Mary, give it a rest. Eli barely looked up and hadn’t said a word. When he wanted something on the table, he would bump Justin on the shoulder and point, refusing to even utter a simple request. Something was wrong, and Justin knew it was between Eli and their father.

Out in the newly cleared field, they parked the old truck out in the middle away from the burnt piles. Eli took a canister of diesel fuel and made his way to the nearest pile to restart the fires again. Justin slid out from the middle of the bench seat and listened to his father tell him which area to cover, pointing at roots sticking up out of the ground. As he walked across the rough, torn up ground, stumbling occasionally, he took a deep breath and tried to psyche himself up for another day. He hadn’t walked thirty feet before he came to the first root sticking up. His long thin fingers wrapped around the smooth root and he pulled with all his strength. It pulled loose in short sections which seemed to go on forever. And thus, the day began.

Sitting on the tailgate eating the sandwiches Mary had brought them Justin glanced from his father sitting next to him then over to Eli sitting on the ground nearby, partially turned away. His hands were still dirty, but he was so hungry and tired he didn’t care as he bit into the ham sandwich then took a drink of soda, so cold it burned on the way down. He watched his mother pull slices of pie out along with forks, setting everything down on the folded table cloth spread out between his father and himself.

“Eli, I made a blueberry pie this morning, so there is a piece for each of you” said Mary and she looked down at him with a worried look.

“Okay…thanks mom” he replied in a low monotone voice.

Justin watched his father pick up the small paper plate with a slice of pie, the berries oozing out from between the golden-brown crusts and begin to eat it, shoving fork after fork full into his mouth. He didn’t savory one bite, instead ate it hurriedly, anxious to get back to work.

Eli stood and came to the tailgate, picking up a slice of pie. He hesitated for a moment then looked over at their father as Justin looked from one to the other.

“Mrs. Holland is having a birthday party for Sean this evening. It starts at…”

“No” their father replied giving Eli a hard-cold stare. “Not after…” and he hesitated to finish, cutting his eyes to Justin. He looked back at Eli, who had taken a couple of steps back as if hit or slapped. “After the other day you will not hang out with that boy. You hear me?”

“He’s my friend…”

“Not anymore, he’s not.”

That evening Eli took his plate and closed himself up in their room. Justin ate in silence at the table with his mother and father, glancing up on occasion to see the expressions of their faces, his father stern, angry, and his mother the look of worry, eyes wet with the threat of tears. Finishing as quickly as possible, he excused himself and went quietly into their room, unsure how he’d find Eli. Only the lamp was on, and Eli’s plate sat on the floor. Justin wondered if he had eaten any of the food on it, or merely stirred it around with his fork. Lying facing the wall, Eli didn’t move when he entered, and he knew Eli wasn’t asleep. Could tell by the way he lay, body rigid, and breathing that was too regular.

“Eli…Eli?  What is going on?”

“Leave me alone” a muffled reply that sounded upset and sad rather than angry. Justin eased to his bed, picked up his game, turned out the light and sat in bed playing quietly, the low glow of the screen the only light in the room.

Justin woke with a start, the game lying on his stomach with its screen gone dark. The room was quiet, too quiet and he looked over toward Eli’s bed trying to see in the darkness as he focused his hearing. He saw nor heard anything. Reaching out he felt for the lamp, working his fingers along the base for the small switch turning it on. Blinking a few times with the sudden brightness, he looked over at the empty bed. Oh no, no, no he thought, afraid Eli had run off and left him behind.

He jumped out of bed, pulled on a pair gym shorts and a t-shirt, slipped his feet into his tennis shoes and eased out of their bedroom. The house was quiet except for the humming of the central system’s fan.  The back door was unlocked, and he eased out on the porch. The moon was nearly full giving everything a slivery glow. He moved down into the yard and listened. Only the sounds of insects broke the silence. He knew where to look, and he headed toward the older of their two barns, the one built back in the early nineteen hundreds by an ancestor he knew very little about. A James Dawson that moved into the area from North Carolina in 1893 starting a farm on this plot of land. The barn was a high-pitched structure, with the middle section having a storage platform that was crowded with old furniture from past generations.  Justin knew his mother had only been up there once and he wasn’t sure if his father had ever been up there.  But he knew Eli had been up there, and in the last year, a lot.

Inside the old barn, easing by the grain truck parked in the middle, he came to the steep stair that led to the storage platform. Using a small flashlight, he began to climb trying not to make a sound. A step squeaked, and he froze for it sounded so loud in the quiet of the barn Eli had to have heard. Holding still, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears he eventually heard the voices, two of them.

The voices were too muffled to understand but Justin knew it was Eli and Sean. It could be no one else. He made his way up several more steps till he was at the floor, able to look over it into the dark space. In the corner, only fifteen feet away, was the glow of a camp lantern, turned down so low as to barely illuminate the two figures sitting by it. Eli and Sean, sitting next to each other, Eli leaning on Sean, one arm wrapped around his waist.

“…father can’t do it; it’s not right.”

“Maybe we don’t see each other for a month or so, let it blow over…”

“NO!”

“But Eli…”

The door to the barn slammed open, bouncing off the wall a couple of times, then the anger, the terrible roar of it.

“Eli!  Justin! What are you boys doing out here!” their father yelled from below.

“Fuck” Eli cursed as the two of them scrambled to their feet. Justin froze, back against the wall, letting his brother and Sean race by him. He saw them run to the back of the barn toward the door at the rear. A beam of light arched through the space from the front and Justin knew he had to act. He raced down the steps toward the light.

“We ain’t doing anything” he yelled as he intercepted his father.

“Where’s Eli” was the only reply as his father pushed pass.

The door in the back of the barn slammed shut and Justin watched his father race toward it. He followed, running fast enough to keep up. Outside he saw his father race across the pasture, light moving with his running motion. Out in front was the lantern, still a faint glow but it moved around faster, bouncing with Eli’s run toward the fence, Sean in front, his back faintly illuminated. At the fence there was some commotion, some struggle, Sean’s voice crying out. Justin ran as fast as he could, till within twenty feet of the fence. Eli was sitting on the ground, head down, the lantern laying on its side burned out. Their father stood over him shining the light out across the Holland’s field. Only the stubble of soybeans was visible in the beam of light.

Justin didn’t think it possible but Eli’s relationship with their father grew worse. He rarely spoke to either of their parents, sometimes telling Justin she let it happen, never explaining what it was about, never telling him why he was forbidden to see Sean. Their father had gone to the Hollands the next day and got them to agree it was best for Eli and Sean not to see each other. When he returned Justin listened from the hall as he told Mary about the agreement and how she needed to support his decision on this and not ‘coddle the boy’.  And he told Mary about the cut on Sean cheek from tripping into the barb wire fence and how it required six stitches.

Dare not

The bell rang as he opened the door to the small general store, a concrete block building with fading paint at the corner of Pine Bluff Road and State Highway 238. It was the nearest store to the field where he was cultivating soybeans. It was a little past three in the afternoon and he had stopped to take a break, coming to the store for a drink and something to snack on. Inside the dimly lit store, with its dark wood ceiling and painted walls, he moved to the drink coolers knowing it was the third one that had his favorite. He moved past Hank and Mr. Glover who nodded toward him then resumed their conversation with Mr. Jasper, the owner. He listened to their banter about the best fishing spots this summer, the pond on Allen Bishop’s property and Steel Creek, especially down at Hampton Bridge where the small creek was deep enough to conceal the fish within it.

Moving to the first aisle with its candies, chips and other snacks, eyes scanning the top shelf of moon pies, powdered doughnuts and cinnamon rolls, it was the chocolate covered little cakes that captured his eye. Back at the register he pulled a few bills from his pocket and unrolled them trying to flatten them out before handing them over.

“…I wouldn’t waste my time fishing in that river. It’s nasty” says Hank looking at Mr. Glover with a serious expression.

“It’s a shame, for we fished it when we were little boys.”

“And it was probably filthy then too” said Mr. Jasper laughing at his own reply.

He begins to leave, thinking he can eat while driving back to the field, but looking up he sees the familiar truck pull up. An old Dodge, white paint faded to a chalky appearance. Moving to the front of the store he leans against the display table at the window with his back to it trying to act nonchalant. The door squeaks open as the bell rings out and he looks over. He feels the stare, the brief look toward him. Recognition then rejection, unable to acknowledge him. It hurts, as it does every time. It has for a while now, for nearly two years now. He knows the score, the whys and wherefores. And he hates it, the way things are but unable to bring himself to do anything about it. Afraid to after what happened. He doesn’t want it to happen again.

Head down enough to conceal his stare, he watches him move to the drink coolers. Arms bare from the shirt having the sleeves ripped off and he studies them once again. The familiar tone of the skin, darker than his own, and so smooth in appearance. The muscle flexes with his movements and with the reach to the top shelf he sees the sparse underarm hair, so much thinner than his own. The shirt hangs loose on his tall lean frame and its tail conceals his waist, only the lower curve of ass visible beneath it. He knows what lay within, the shape of the body, the look of it. The last two years he’s fantasized about it, imagined the feel of it, the weight of it on top of him. He wants it, wants to feel it against his own bare skin, moving with a lust that overpowers the two of them. He imagines the penetration of cock, the way it could sink deep within his own body, touching him from within. His own cock stirs in the tight confines of his jeans as he thinks of it.

He can barely breath as he watches him pay for the soda, speak a few words to each man while ignoring his presence only a few feet away. He tries to divert his eyes, not let him see his gaze but its too late and this time he doesn’t really care if he is caught. He wants him to know he is there, watching his every move; the twisting off of the cap, that first long swallow, the goodbyes to the men and finally his departure. Taking one last long swallow, he finishes his own soda, tells the men ‘later’ and walks out the door, hoping they don’t notice how he moves a bit faster, an urgency in his step, as he heads out toward his Jeep with the white Dodge parked next to it. Before he can get half way to it the Dodge fires up. It reverses, swinging around the back of his Jeep. A brief stop, then it is moving forward, heading away. The rear tires bark was they leave the gravel and come on the asphalt under hard acceleration.

Standing beside his Jeep he watches the white truck speed away, growing smaller and smaller down the long straight road till it finally curves to the right and the truck is quickly out of sight.

Two Years Earlier

Justin watched Eli getting dressed. New jeans and his favorite shirt, and the black boots bought in Atlanta a few months ago. It was Saturday night and Eli had told their father he was going to the movies with some girl from town. Justin knew it was a lie.

For the last few years he knew what was happening, the sneaking down to the back of the property and over the fence to the Holland’s pond, or in the middle of the night going out to the barn or weekends supposedly in town with classmates. He was sixteen now and he went to town too. He hung out with his classmates, drove up and down the main drag by the fast food restaurant, the drive-in and the shopping center with the coffee shop. And most weekends he saw Eli, riding around with Sean, just the two of them. He knew the score. Knew what was going on. He had seen it. And he knew he’d never tell anyone. Not his friends, not Eli and especially not their parents.

As Eli grabbed up his keys, gave him a knowing smile then bolted out the door, he wondered where Sean and Eli were going tonight. He wondered if they would head down to Briar Creek Bridge to the pull off on the old logging road that led to many places they could be alone, or maybe tonight they would go to Greenville for a movie or just ride into town to cruise around. As he slipped into his jeans, he thought of the times he had seen them together. It was the last week that stood out to him the most when he had seen everything. It was the day after soybeans had been planted and Eli was down at the back of the property supposedly repairing a deer stand. He had hidden behind an old magnolia tree and watched Eli unload the lumber, then set the tool box on the tailgate then simply walk toward the fence. Eli followed at a safe distance as Eli climbed over the fence, strolled through the Holland’s soybean field down to the back of their property.  He had waited at the fence for Eli to cross the corner of the field and get into the woods. He knew where Eli was going, and he was in no hurry for he did not want Eli to catch him.

He arrived several minutes later into the woods and worked his way down the narrow lane till he was near the opening where the pond lay. Easing off the lane working his way through the woods he came to a place where he could watch them without being seen. At first, he wondered if they were at the pond, for he didn’t see them at first. Then he saw their clothes; jeans, t-shirts and even their boxers scattered over the pier. The sound of a splash in the water and he saw Sean in the pond with just his head above the surface. Then Eli surfaced right in front of him.

When Eli moved up close to Sean and kissed him, Justin held his breath, shocked to see the evidence of his suspicions. Eli and Sean kissed for a long time then began to horse around in the water. After a few minutes they swam to the pier and climbed out. Justin had seen Eli naked plenty of times before, but not like this, cock angled out hard showing his aroused state. And then there was Sean, tall, lean, cock angled upward, fully erect. Justin watched as Sean moved up behind Eli where he kissed him on the neck as he moved one hand around his torso, slid it downward till he held Eli’s erection, stroking it till Justin could hear Eli’s moans. Together they eased down on the pier till Eli was on all fours with Sean behind him. Eli cried out and held his head down as Sean held him by the waist with hips pushing forward. Watching from the trees, Justin watched them, the way Sean took his brother, holding him in place as he pushed inward. The only sounds that registered with Justin was Eli’s moans and cries, the occasional pleading to fuck, fuck harder and the sound of their bodies coming together. It seemed so loud Justin worried their parents could hear it.

It was shocking to see his big brother like this and the word submissive came to mind. He knew the word, the meaning of it, as he felt his own stirrings of arousal. It scared him they way his body gave into what he was afraid to admit to himself. He watched Sean fuck Eli till he too cried out and pushed forward so hard it rocked Eli down, shoulders on the pier, ass up taking Sean’s load.  Then Sean rolled Eli over, moved down, till between his legs taking his cock and holding it up. Justin found himself whispering to himself, over and over, telling Sean to do it, to take his brother’s cock. Sean leaned forward, kissed the wet head then let it slip into his mouth. Justin watched as Sean’s head moved up and down, then Eli holding him as he pumped upward with his hips, till he too cried out.

When they were spent, Sean moving up to lie next to Eli, the two of them giggling and talking to each other. Justin eased back and made his way quietly back to the lane and home.

Justin became aroused every time he thought of it, his cock straining to be freed from its confines. So many nights, Eli asleep in his bed just a few feet away, he lay there staring at him as he imaged the scene on the pier, Sean, naked and aroused coming up behind Eli, then their coupling.

And he thought of how it effected their family, the way their father could barely look at Eli at times, and always suspicious of where he is going and who he is hanging out with. Justin didn’t know if he could endure it, so he told himself a lie, night after night. He was not like Eli.

But he knew he was.

In town he pulled in next to Cheryl and Keith and came around the tailgate of Keith’s truck where they sat watching cars go by. The three of them talked of the coming end of tenth grade and what they wanted to do this summer. Bill, Steve and Christopher pulled up in Bill’s Mustang, the top down and music playing too loud.

“Hey, you guys want to go catch a ten o’clock showing of that spy movie?” Christopher asked as he leaned over the side of the car.

“Yes, I’ve been wanting to see it” Cheryl replied, then turning to Keith, “come on, let’s go.”

Keith looked over Cheryl at Justin with a questioning look.

“You guys go on. I have to get up in the morning to help father with something so I’m leaving soon anyway.”

“You sure?” Keith asked.

“Yeah, take off” Justin replied as he stood up and moved back to his Jeep.

Justin watched them all leave, as he slide down in the seat. He sat there watching cars pass by. He waved and called out to those he knew and for those he didn’t know, the boys from town, he graded them, gave them appraisals of whether, or not he would or wouldn’t. It was safe, this game, one he only played by himself and never uttered out loud what he was thinking. Glancing at his watch he saw only fifteen minutes had passed and he considered heading home. Then a familiar white Dodge truck pulled in, braking hard into a parking space.

Eli jumped out from the passenger side and even from across the parking lot Justin could tell he was upset. Eli’s face would get red when he was mad, or sad, especially when crying, and it was red now. He stormed away from the truck cutting back and forth, unsure which direction to go. Sean climbed out and stood by the bed of the truck calling for Eli to come back. Others in the parking lot began to watch realizing something was happening, something good for gossiping about at school the next Monday, if not before then.

Justin stepped down out of his Jeep, but he froze in place unsure whether to go to Eli or wait. Eli might go back to Sean for this may be nothing more than a simple disagreement. But from Eli’s face he knew better. Eli began to walk toward the front with Sean coming after him. Sean grabbed his arm trying to get him to stop but Eli pulled away and kept walking leaving Sean standing in the middle of the parking lot. Justin started to head toward Eli, took the first step, then stopped. He knew whatever this was, it would not resolve itself here, not now. He went back and climbed into his Jeep and quickly took off for the road, expecting Eli to be standing by it.

As he cut through the parking lot, he yelled out for Sean to go home, that he would get Eli. Pulling to the front he was surprised to find Eli nowhere in sight. He looked back at the drive-in, the front walk and the picnic tables to one side, then across the parking lot once again. Eli was nowhere to be seen. Pulling on up to the road he looked left then right and twenty yards down the road walking along the shoulder was Eli. He pulled out and eased down the road till he was beside him.

“Eli…ELI…get in.”

Eli didn’t turn at first but when he did there was a moment of confusion, like he didn’t recognize Justin or was surprised to see him.

“Get in Eli” Justin called out in a calmer voice and Eli stepped up to the Jeep and climbed in.

Justin drove home slowly, taking each turn and curve gently as if any bouncing around would make Eli come apart. He asked no questions and Eli offered no explanation. When he pulled around their home and parked, he expected Eli to jump out and go inside but he sat still, so he did the same. It was quiet, and only the slightest of breezes blew in through. After a long time, Eli began to talk while staring straight ahead.

“I have to get out of here…can’t stay…not like this…” Eli’s voice trailing off.

“What about Sean?”

Eli just sat still, tears trickling down his cheeks.

“Eli…what about Sean?”

“Sean” Eli replied, saying his name as if he didn’t know him.

“Yeah?”

“He won’t…he…” Eli stuttered then looking over at Justin, voice barely audible, “Justin, I can’t stay here.”

“I know.”

If Only

Eli is in his bed, facing the wall, his bare back turned toward me. I have no idea of the time, or even the day. I just know it is night time, the room in dark shadow everywhere except Eli in his bed. HIs body moves gently with his breathing and I watch. Every movement, no matter how slight. I can even see the veins in his neck throb with his heartbeat. 

Eli rolls over on his back kicking the quilt down as he does so. He’s naked, cock standing straight up, hard, defying gravity, as it flexes with his arousal. I can see the bead of liquid pool at the slit then trickle down the shaft. Arms lying by his torso, Eli doesn’t move as his cock bobs back and forth and the head flares out wider, growing dark red. I let my eyes scan his body, with is fair white skin, so shiny in the dim light of the room. Or is it moonlight, I can not tell. Lying back, Eli’s torso is long and lean, with small nipples, each one hard, the centers sticking up. He lays there unmoving for the longest time, cock standing straight up with more and more rivulets trickling downward till it glistens wetly.

There is movement at the foot of Eli’s bed and Sean is standing there, naked, his toned skin glowing in the dim light, making the room seem brighter. His cock angles out hard, pointing upward. It is thick, impossibly thick, no hand could reach around it, and it’s shiny with its wetness. Sean climbs on Eli’s bed, lifts each of Eli’s legs to his shoulders and moves over him. Eli folds in half, ass rising upward off the bed perfectly in alignment for Sean’s cock. I watch it, that thick cock, nudge against Eli’s opening then suddenly penetrating it all the way. Eli cries out, then begs Sean to fuck him. It is rough, the bed rocking noisily against the wall. I’m afraid father will hear and come into the room. But I can’t say anything as if my jaw is locked. The bed breaks and falls flat as Sean powers into Eli, roughly, pushing in all the way. Eli bellows, and covers his face and chest in cum. 

Sean pulls out and I see it, his cock still hard, wet, cum drooling from it. Cum hangs over a foot from the slit and I stare at it, waiting for it to break away. Sean climbs off Eli’s bed and comes to mine. He jerks my covers off revealing my own nakedness. My cock is so erect is hurts. I feel every flex of it as Sean flips me onto my stomach. I feel the bed move, then the weight of his body resting on my thighs. He tells me to open up for him and I reach back, unable to stop myself, and pull my ass cheeks apart. His cock rubs along my ass and I feel the way it makes me wet. Then there is the push against my opening, insistent in breaching it. Sean shifts over me then pushes harder. The pain is searing as I feel Sean stretch me open. I raise up to cry out…

Justin jerks awake and sits up in bed. He is soaking wet with sweat and breathing so hard he’s surprised he has not wakened Eli. The images of his dream stay with him, unforgettable images that embarrass him, glad no one will ever know. The image of Sean, his cock grotesque in size, huge beyond any reality, disturbs him more than watching his brother take it. Turning, he slides over to the wall and rest against it, feet up on the bed with his knees up. He wraps his arms around them resting his chin on top as he stares across the room at the dark shape of Eli in the next bed. He watches for a long time, listening to the slow rhythm of his breathing. Glancing toward the nightstand they share he sees it is 4:12 am. He’s only been asleep for about three hours.

He stares at Eli remembering the events of earlier that night. Sean and Eli having a fight, his picking him up on the side of road and driving them home. Eli going into the bathroom and not coming out for over an hour, hair wet and uncombed, water droplets clinging to his skin, and a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. They had never been especially modest in front of each other, but this time Eli was more blatant, tossing the towel over the chair at his desk, and slowly rummaging in a drawer for a clean pair of boxers. Eli slipped them on as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to, then pulled back the covers of his bed and climbed in. He lay on his back staring at the ceiling as Justin sat on his own bed wondering whether, or not to say something.

Justin decided to leave him alone for a bit, and he grabbed some clean boxers and t-shirt as he headed to the bathroom. When he returned Eli was facing the wall. He climbed into his bed. Laying on his side facing Eli. He watched for some movement, some indication of him being asleep or still awake. In the stillness, the room silent, he heard the soft sobbing coming from the other bed.

“Eli?”

“What?”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Justin waited, not willing to let this go so easily. Eli rolled back over on his back and stared at the ceiling.

“I know, Eli. I know about Sean and you, what you guys were doing. This…relationship you had” Justin whispered across the room, afraid to speak too loudly in case their father came to the door. Eli looked over at him with no surprise in his expression.

“You know?”

“Yeah.  I won’t tell…I promise. But…do you want to talk about it?”

Eli sat up, propping against the pillows and headboard, and Justin lay still, afraid to move, thinking it would somehow disrupt this moment.

“So, you know we were boyfriends, have been for a long while, I guess. Did you know father caught us kissing in the barn a few years ago?”

“Is that when he said you guys couldn’t see each other anymore?”

“Yes. Well…things have been kind of bad lately. Father pushing me to be more active on the farm, thinking I’m going to graduate and stay right here and farm with him. But you know I can’t do that, right?”

“Yes.”

“As soon as I graduate, I’m leaving. I don’t know what I’ll do or where I’ll go, but anywhere will be better than here…with him.”

The reality of what Eli was saying stuck in the pit of Justin’s stomach. He eased up in a sitting position and wanted to say something but didn’t know what.

“I’d been hinting at leaving for weeks to Sean, hoping he’d agree to come with me, and tonight I finally asked him outright.”

Eli sat quiet for a long time and Justin was afraid he wouldn’t finish.

“And?”

“He said no.”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t matter. But we’re…” Eli stopped then laughed, shaking his head. It was a sad laugh, filled with pain.  “I guess you’d say we’re finished. I love the bastard, I really do, but I can’t stay here, and for various reasons he won’t leave. So, between now and graduation I only have to make my plans and not worry about Sean.”

“But Eli…I don’t want you to go” Justin admitted.

Eli turned toward him, smiling faintly, “Little brother…” he whispered then sat back and looked up at the ceiling breathing out heavily. “I don’t know, maybe a year or so away and I’ll come back.”

“Really?” Justin asked.

“Yeah, maybe. You never know.”

Three weeks later, Justin remembered that night in vivid detail. The way Eli spoke, his conviction about needing to leave. Justin had sat there listening and still held out that Eli was just bluffing; not really serious about leaving. But at his graduation, Justin, sitting next to his mother and father, watched as Eli walked across the stage in the high school gymnasium, shook the principles hand as he took his diploma, continued across the stage and instead of turning back out to the senior’s section of the floor, he had simply walked out a back exit, and was gone.

Justin remembered the way his mother became frantic and his father angry as they searched the gym then the parking lot after the ceremony. Justin was not there. He had gotten into his truck and left. Back home they found his side of the closet cleaned out. Mary opened drawer after drawer that belonged to Eli, and each one was empty, except for a few garments he never wore. Later that night Justin went into his bedroom and the quiet empty nature of it made him feel nauseous. He moved lethargically around the room, getting out of his clothes, pulling back the covers and easing down on the bed. He lay on his back for a long time, staring up at the ceiling trying to wrap his head around Eli being gone. It was almost like Eli had died. Rolling to his side, sliding one hand under his pillow he felt something. Sliding it out he knew it was an envelope. Turning on the lamp revealed his name on the outside in Eli’s uneven cursive writing.

Seeking solitude

Saturday afternoon in town after a rain shower was the best he thought as he pulled into a parking space behind the hardware store. The roads and sidewalks were still wet, but the spring sun quickly warmed them till water vapor rose from their surfaces.  Strolling out of the small parking lot, he made his way down the block to Main Street. Only a few others were window shopping as he moved down the street, past the hardware store, the two vacant shops, the drug store, the bank that sat back from the walk, a bakery, two more vacant shops then a diner. He walked by each, looking inside seeing an all too familiar scene in each. He wondered if anything would ever fill the empty spaces or would more businesses go away for it was obvious there were not enough people in town. Crossing the street, he made his way down the side street to the garden center. His mother wanted some additional seed.

 The small brown bag with the seed tucked into his back pocket he made his way back. Crossing the street, he found himself back in front of the diner. Looking inside, scanning the patrons, he didn't recognize any of them till he looked along the side wall among the small two-top tables. At the second one, sitting alone, sat Sean. Plaid shirt and jeans, ball cap on the seat of the other chair. He stood staring at him amazed at how little he saw Sean around, since he lived next door. The waitress went to Sean’s table with a pitcher, standing in his line of sight. Fuck he uttered under his breath feeling an irrational frustration.

He made his way inside, moving among the tables till he stood behind the waitress, realizing she had been a year ahead of him in school. Becky or Barbara or...it was Beth. Beth Matthews. He eased up closer to her and waited, listening to her flirtatious banter.

"Why don't you give me a call sometime?"

"I don't know...I, huh..."

He heard the struggle to tell her no, so he stepped around her and crowded in close. Beth seemed to sense she wasn’t wanted and told Sean she had to get back to work. They watched her move across the dining room refilling drinks as she went. Turning back around he saw those vivid blue eyes staring up at him. Questioning, wondering why he was there.

"Justin?"

"Hey, Sean."

"What are you doing here?"

"It's a diner, so I'm here for dinner."

"Justin, you know you can't be seen with me."

"What? Wait..."

"Eli told me you knew everything.  So, you aren't worried about being seen with me?"

"No" stepping closer to the table, "I'm not."

"Well, have a seat" said Sean motioning to the other chair. "It's been a while."

"And we live next door to each other" Justin replied.

"Well, our parents are to thank for that. You graduated this year, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I'm done with school."

"No college?"

"I...well...I don't know. Maybe in the future."

Sean nodded his head in understanding. "You going to farm with your father?"

"For now, but I want to do my own thing. Father is...ahhhh..."

"Yeah, I know."

"What about you? I don't see you in the field adjacent to us."

"I've bought Mrs. Williams’ old place."

"The house and land?"

"Yep, working on the house and farming the land."

"But there is only ten or so acres with that house."

"I'm doing vegetables and fruits for restaurants and the farmer's market, so ten acres is plenty."

"Really? I wish father would do that."

Justin ordered food and ate while they talked, circling around the issues that had kept them apart. Sean paid their bill and they left the diner and strolled down the sidewalk. They stopped in the ice cream shop then sat outside on the sidewalk at a small bistro table. As others strolled past, or came into the ice cream shop, they sat quiet for a while. Justin finished his cone and wiped his mouth. As he balled up the napkin Sean leaned forward.

"Hey, have you heard from Eli?"

"Yes, three postcards the last few months."

"Really. So, how's he doing?"

"He said he is good, but I'm not sure."

"Why do you say that?"

"The first card came last fall, toward the end of October, and it was from Key West. Since then I've gotten two more, the next one from Austin and the last one from Portland. He's moving a lot, not settling down anywhere."

"Or he's keeping anyone from finding him."

"I thought about that too" Justin replied, then looking around to make sure the coast was clear, "Sean, you seeing anyone now?

Sean shook his head no.

Feeling embolden, Justin leaned over the table, closing the gap between them and lowered his voice even more. “Will you go out with me?”

Eyes grew wide, eyebrowed arch high, the shock evident on Sean’s face. He stammered then sat back looking around them to see if anyone heard. “Justin…no, no we can’t…I can’t…no.”

Even though there was an expectation of rejection, it still stung to hear it. Justin sat back fighting to not let the disappointment show on his face. “Why not?”

“You’re Eli’s little brother…”

“Sean! I’m not a little kid anymore. Come on, what is so wrong with you and I…” Justin leans forward again, lowers his head then his voice, “…you and I going out?”

“It’s just wrong.”

“No, the fuck, it is not.”

“Justin…” Sean whispered as he relaxed and looked across the table. “No.”

What cannot be seen

For days Sean played the conversation with Justin over in his head. While he worked his vegetable crops, did maintenance on his equipment, mowing grass or simply standing at the cooktop moving pieces of chicken around in the hot grease watching it brown, it came to him. Eli leaned over the table, really close. Will you go out with me repeating over and over as he looked into Justin’s emerald green eyes and the light freckles across each cheek and over his nose. Justin was tall, taller than Eli by a few inches and he had been skinny as a kid but that day, looking across the table, the idea of going out together planted into his head in a very real way, he saw the young man, more filled out, arms toned from work and clothes that fit loose in a seductive manner, as if ready to fall away to reveal the body within. But there was a delicate nature to Justin, something about him that made him different from the other boys in the area. His voice was soft, gently, even when trying to raise it, then there were the long eyelashes around each eye and his small-upturned nose. He looked boyish, even when needing to shave, the way his beard came in so sparse and scattered along his chin. When Justin laid his hands flat on the table at one point, he realized something else about Eli’s little brother. His fingers, long, thin, so delicate, he imaged him playing a piano instead of working in a garden.  Eli had been more compact in stature whereas Justin was tall and lanky. He thought of Eli sitting on top of him, moving up and down, taking him. He imaged the way it had felt, the tight ring of Eli’s opening milking him. Then he imagined it was Justin and it was different, the movement on top of him faster, more urgent, and he wondered if that would be the actual case or if some aspect of his fear of going down the same traumatic path with Justin created some roughness to the possibility.

For a couple of days Justin let the rejection by Sean get to him. He felt an absoluteness to it that crushed him. He longed for Sean, wanted to be with him in so many ways. He had sat in the screen porch late each day watching the sun drop down below the tree line as he contemplated things he could do to try to forget. Pack up and leave, going somewhere where meeting men was easier. Go back to looking online, but more serious about responding to some of the posts. Drive up to Montgomery or down to Mobile, going out to bars or clubs in the hopes of meeting someone he could relate to. He felt desperate.

He was using an old push mower to cut around the barn the next day, the sun just beginning to really heat up the air, as he replayed that day in the restaurant, the look on Sean’s face when he asked him out and the rejection that followed. He thought of how Sean had been looking at him before hand and realized the past with Eli, and the events with their parents had made it impossible for Sean to say yes that day. It infuriated him how Sean was so gun shy but it also gave him hope. A hope he could make Sean change his mind. He just had to have a plan.

Eli had watched from across the street Sean and Justin sitting at that table outside the ice cream parlor. He had traveled nearly a thousand miles to check up on Sean and his little brother. No one knew he was in town, and he concealed himself with a full beard and a hoodie pulled up over his head. He took a room out by the interstate, some cheap hotel where construction workers and truck drivers stayed. He’d been in town two days trying to decide whether, or not to call Sean or Justin. In the end, he chose not to let them know he was there. It seemed the best move, one he felt more certain of as he watched Justin lean in toward Sean. He wondered if he was perceiving the situation correctly, if his little brother could be gay too. It pained him in a way, thinking about how their father would respond when he found out. But he also knew Justin, knew the way he was more stubborn, more determined to see things through, and knew their father would not intimidate Justin the way he had done him.

After he saw Sean storm off, and Justin obviously dejected, he felt a need to step in and do something. Back at the hotel he pulled out the blank card he had purchased at a drug store in town and sat down to write Sean. It took him an hour to compose it, trying to avoid rambling and keep it to the point. He knew mailing it would give away the fact he had been in town, but he hoped that somehow added to the message and besides, by the time Sean received it he’d be long gone.

A Passage

Sean closed the barn door and ambled across the yard back to his home. It’d been three days since Justin asked him out, three days since confronting his sexuality with the open admittance of it by Justin. Eli never could go that far, always afraid of his dad, but Justin seemed unconcerned, willing to let things play out, no matter the repercussions.  He began to climb the steps to the screen porch then remembered it was time for the mail. He made his way around to the front yard and out to the mailbox on the shoulder of the road. The flag was down.

Flipping through the mail he headed back around the house. The power bill, an invoice from the tractor dealership he knew was for parts, a farm magazine and several fliers and credit card applications. The important mail he held in his left hand as he shifted through each item, till he came to the small card. He stopped, suddenly holding his breath. Scrawled across the front was his name and address, a handwriting he recognized. It was Eli’s.

He sat in the screen porch for a long time staring at the card. Everything came back to him, their times together and those final few days that still created knots in his stomach. The most painful thing was the post mark. It was posted in town just the day before. Eli had been here and had not bothered to contact him.  He wondered if Justin had heard from Eli, taking out his phone and pulling up Justin’s number he hesitated, unable to hit dial. He knew the first thing he needed to do was open the card and see what Eli had to say.

Hand shaking, he tore at the flap of the envelope ripping it open. He tore the envelop more as he clumsily worked the card out. He held it up, looking at the image of a farm pond surrounded by woods and couldn’t help but smile. Flipping it open to the familiar scrawling hand writing he began to read.

Justin was pulling out of the drive when Sean pulled up, parking across the drive blocking his way. Sean climbed out, walked around his truck, head down unable to look at Justin, still wondering how to broach the subject. At the driver’s door where Justin had just sat waiting, Sean stepped close, looked at Justin then out across the field. Without looking back at him, Sean began to talk, stammering and hesitating, taking forever.

“Have you heard from Eli?”

“Not in a month or so, why?”

“Did you know he was in town this past weekend till at least yesterday?”

“What?! No. Did you talk to him, what didn’t he come see me…where is he now?”

“Justin. Justin…he’s left already, and no I didn’t see him. He wrote to me before he left. He…he…he saw us outside the ice cream parlor the other day and, well…he figured it out pretty good.”

“What do you mean he figured it out?”

Justin pulled around Sean’s house and parked next to his truck. It was already dark and getting late, but he couldn’t get their earlier conversation out of his mind. He had called Sean after dinner asking to come over and talk. The light was on in the screen porch and the windows for the kitchen and den were illuminated, the curtains not drawn. On the drive over and now the walk across the yard and to the rear door he felt his heart racing. He was anxious, his emotions in turmoil. Three sharp knocks and Sean’s voice called out to come in. The floor was bare decking and the walls had holes in them. The wall between the front living room and den was partially removed and the kitchen was reduced to two wall cabinets and the one with the sink, all others removed from the space. Sean was in the kitchen pouring each of them a whiskey.

“Yeah, the place is a wreck but I’m doing the work myself, so it is slow going.  Grab a seat” he added motioning to the den area where a sofa and two side chairs were positioned in front of a television sitting on a coffee table.  “Whiskey okay?”

“Yeah” Justin replied as he moved into the room sitting on the sofa close to the chair Sean obviously used the most.

Sean came over, handed Justin a glass and sat down. “Justin, I don’t know if I can…”

“Sean, stop.  Why are you worried so about something from the past. Forget it, let it go, for fuck’s sake. I’m tired of living in Eli’s shadow” Justin said, his voice animated. He leaned toward Sean, expression serious, “Sean…do you like me?”

“Yeah, but…”

“No buts” Justin interrupted, easing up, moving toward Sean going down on his knees by the chair. “Sean, it’s just the two of us, here, now. Don’t think about what anyone else would think, especially my father” he said in a calm even voice as he rose up, leaned over the arm of the chair. “Don’t push me away again. Okay?” lowering his voice till it was a whisper, just loud enough to be shared between them.

“Okay” Sean whispered back as he watched Justin move closer and closer.

The house was no longer silent. The sound of sex, the moans and grunts, and the bawdy pleadings echoed through the rooms. From the den, down the short hall to the door to the front bedroom lay their clothes, each garment tossed carelessly down. In the den, shirts and shoes, socks and jeans at the doorway to the hall and at the door their boxers kicked into a pile next to the wall.

They were on the bed, the covers gathered at the foot of it. Justin lay on his back, legs on Sean’s shoulders, folded in half, ass turned upward taking Sean’s fuck. Inward, hard, all the way, Sean drove into Justin’s depths. Pent up desire, the need for someone fueling his arousal. He couldn’t push into Justin deep enough, his hips smacking hard against ass. The sound of it echoed in the room. Justin touched Sean’s thighs, felt the flex of muscle and the soft skin as he trailed his fingers over them. He wanted the contact, obsessed with need, want, desire. He moved one hand up, raking the back of his fingers over Sean’s chest then back down till he raked through the pubic hair over the hard cock that piston inside his body. He slipped his fingers down to his opening and felt the movement of Sean’s cock, the way it pulled outward then slammed back in, over and over and over.

Sean moved upright on his knees, took Justin by each ankle, holding them together as he pushed them down on the bed next to his prone body, twisting hips around. Shifting forward, Sean lined his cock to the stretched opening and shoved inward making Justin cry out.

“Fuck…fuck me…fuck me harder” Justin pleaded as he grabbed at the fitted sheet clinging to the bed as Sean rocked them roughly making the bed hit against the wall with every forward push.

Moving over Justin, Sean worked his hips with an urgency. He kissed Justin on the side of the face and when Justin turned to him, they kissed, open mouth, tongues dueling. Slipping his arms around Justin’s torso he bearhugged their bodies together as he felt his pent-up need for release surge through him. He jackhammered his cock into Justin as he grew more and more on edge, every muscle tightened. He shoved inward hard as he lightly bit Justin’s lower lip and came. He shoved inward with each release filling Justin with his load, and he kept going, thrusting through its slickness.

“Keep fucking” Justin whispered.

Sean pulled out, cock dripping with his cum, and rolled Justin on his stomach. He moved over him, pushed his hard cock down to the wet opening and pushed in, slowly this time, feeling it milk every inch of his shaft. He pushed inward till his hips pressed tightly to Justin’s ass.

“Oh god…fuck me. Come on, Sean, fuck me again” Justin pleaded as Sean wrapped arms around his neck holding him in place.

Sean pulled upward then pushed inward, slowly, making Justin feel it, the full depth of his penetration. His cock moved slickly in its own load as it sank into Justin’s depths. Cum pumped out and trickled down over Justin’s sac. Justin’s cock lay pinned beneath him, pushed into the mattress with Sean’s movements. Sean fucked till his body ached with its exertion. Every muscle ached, and he slowed to a stop, rolling over on his back. Justin was too aroused to let him rest, still so aroused his cock was drooling. He moved quickly, driven by desire, straddling Sean, holding up his slick erection and he sat down on it, roughly, all the way down. He rode Sean roughly making the bed squeak and rock against the wall. His own cock flopped up and down, smacking wetly against Sean’s abdomen.

When Justin felt Sean’s fist wrap around his cock, every time he sank down he would rock his hips forward, pushing his cock through the tight fist. Leaking profusely, the fist quickly became slick, wet, letting his cock fuck easily through its grip.  He couldn’t hold out, his arousal too high. He was sweating till his chest glistened in the dim light with every muscle evident beneath his tight skin. Leaning back bracing his hands against Sean’s legs, he moved his hips faster, upward till Sean nearly slipped free, then back down.

“Fuck…I’m going to cum” Justin cried out as he slammed down on Sean’s cock feeling it hit something within his body and he jerked with release. Cum arched out of his cock spattering Sean’s face and chest.

The roughness of their fuck, the way Justin’s ass moved on his cock then the feel and smell of Justin’s load pushed Sean to release and he held Justin’s thighs down keeping his cock buried all the way inside of him as he erupted once again. He jerked upward trying to push deeper with each ejaculation till he was spent. Falling still, Sean lay beneath Justin feeling the hot body lay on top of him, breathing as hard as he was.

The next morning, the early dawn light filtering into through the blinds, Sean stirred first finding Justin nestled against him. He couldn’t help it, for it pleased him more than he could admit, to have Justin in his bed, and he lay back smiling.

Justin finally stirred, not completely awake, rolling over his back. Sean saw how the thin sheet tented up and knew Justin was erect. Throwing their cover back he shifted down and moved to it, looking at the way the head flared out round, different from his own, which had an arrow shaped head that led to a thicker shaft. He held Justin up and kissed the wet head, licked it, then moved to take it into his mouth.

Justin woke to the sensation of Sean’s mouth on his cock, the movement up and down, the swirl of tongue over the head and along the shaft and the suction when just the head was in Sean’s mouth. He had just woken, but already felt the urgent need for release.

“Jesus…don’t stop…fuck…” Justin uttered as he put one hand on the back of Sean’s head holding him in place as he fucked upward with his hips. Sean slipped one hand down between his thighs and he felt a finger move over his tightened sac, downward along the line of skin to his opening. It penetrated him, stretched him open plunging inward all the way. “Oh GOD, I’m…” Justin cried out as he shoved upward flooding Sean’s mouth with his load.

 After laying still for while just caressing each other, fingers and lips sliding over the other, they began to giggle, to laugh, till Sean bear hugged Justin, kissing him on the cheek. “Thanks” Sean said, his tone soft, and Justin knew Sean meant much more than that single word.

Six Months Later

The last vestiges of winter lingered in the air. The ground was finally drying out from the steady rains of the previous week and the trees began to bloom. Justin stood next to Sean surveying one of their garden plots, Sean pointing to different sections as he went over what they had been planning all winter. Justin watched Sean talk with animation, excited to face another year, eager to begin the planting. He smiled, aware of their luck, finding a way to come to peace with their inner demons and not worry about what other’s may think.

The sound of a car pulling into the drive made the two of them look over. Justin’s mother pulled around the house and parked behind their trucks.

“What’s your mom doing here?”

“Don’t know; let’s go find out” Justin replied, taking Sean by the hand to get him to follow. He knew there was still a tension about everything, especially the way his father responded back in December when he told him he was moving in with Sean. Since then his mother had come around, opened up to the fact he was living with Sean. He saw her get out, then take something from the back seat. The sunlight reflected off the aluminum foil covering the top and he knew it was a pie. “Come on, that looks like a pie” said Justin tugging on Sean to speed up.