Gay Locker Room Blog

Apparently I have a jock addiction. Need to see them. Need to jack to them. Need to watch them do their jock stuff, PG, R and XXX.

Really wishing I had the power of invisibility (and throw in silence and desolidification, the latter so I can walk through walls and guys can walk through me). That way I can be the ultimate guy watcher. Thankfully, just like the movies when someone can walk through walls somehow they don't fall through the floor, so I can maintain my place in the men's locker room and even follow a certain guy home if I wanted.

Ruben Bart is sitting on the bench in the change room when his team mate heads in from the field. Nick Vargas walks over and plants a kiss on his soccer buddy and Ruben gropes Nick's crotch. But Nick has seen Ruben in the change-room showers and he knows he's packing a big, fat cock -- he wants to suck it. He kneels and slides his hand inside the leg hole and pulls out Ruben's beautiful uncut cock and wraps his lips around it. It's the kind of dick that makes you wish you were there on your knees instead of Nick.

By action, I don't mean jumping rope or storming the beaches of Normandy. Or even jumping rope on the beaches of Normandy. I mean kinda standing around or walking around not doing much but looking hot as fuck while doing or not doing it. And that's called action.

So yeah, when a hairy muscle daddy takes his shirt off in public he knows he's going to get his pic snapped and he's pretty damn okay with that. In fact, he's checking out his cell to see if he can find fresh pics of himself at that moment. Because peepers with cameras are quick. He probably had to wait all of 5 minutes.

As stud finder is one of those gadgets to help find studs in the walls, right? So you can smash nails or screws or whatever into them to hang your paintings or tacky decorative plates from, right? Or whatever else you hang on your walls like macrame soft sculptures or lighting fixtures or guys into being chained to the wall. Well I know nothing about that kind of stud finder.

Do you have job experience in dick management? Perhaps you've ascended the ranks to be VP of Advanced Dick Management Logistics at a Fortune 500 company. Or maybe you're toiling as a Dick Management Assistant at pawnshop. Either way, you know the importance of dick management skills.

"Drop and give me 20!" is what I want to hear these guys say to me. 20 strokes. 20 deep throats. 20 assfuckings. 20 of something dammit. It's a bit tricky because they don't even know anyone's looking and wanting. Or do they?

Cameras are everywhere. And there are always hot guys at least somewhere. Now I am always a math genius so I know that everywhere times somewhere equals an unending supply of beautifully random hot guyness. And for this we must all be thankful.

So when you're doing your gratefulness diary (like Oprah demanded everyone start doing several years ago, so step to it!), remember that random hot guys should always be numbers one to five on your list of five things to be grateful for each day.

There's hungry for love. Hungry for attention. Hungry for a sandwich. Then the best kind of hungry. Cock hungry. And warning: hoards of hot guys guys are roaming the planet with the singular goal of making you cock hungry. And they're winning.

I'm guessing for most of us "look but don't touch" is way better than "touch but don't look" right? Because you might end up touching an actual kielbasa, fire hose, rosebud or set of family jewels. And except for the jewels, touching all those things would be a confusing disappointment when in their literal (non-sexual metaphor) forms.

We're already about a quarter of the way into 2015 and there's a very important question you have to ask yourself. Have you seen a quarter of the cock/bulge/ass you'll see all year? Or do you have some catching up to do? I mean you should establish a cock quota for yourself and get to peeping!

Among all the voyeuristic joys available in locker rooms, jock ass is in the top two. If you count each cheek as a number, then ass is number two and three. So what else is on the list?

Number one is dick. Or technically number one is the phone number of the guy with the dick you want, but that requires conversation, not pure voyeurism. Then we have ass and ass. Followed by chest, feet, foreskin, jockstraps, pissing, sucking, ejaculation and now I've lost track because the locker room has devolved into a fucking orgy. Or at least the hope of that is what goes through my mind whenever I'm in a locker room.

There's still time for peepers to organize. I don't mean the kind of organization where guys tip off others on which bathrooms have the best view of the urinals form the stalls. Or which gyms have open showers. I mean organize marching contingents for Pride Parades this summer. And what the hell would those floats look like?

Peek-a-boo goes both ways. As in "look at my dick, ass, bulge, etc." or "I'm peeking at your dick, ass, bulge, etc." And believe me, the "etc." is the best part of a man. I love sneaking a peek at a guy's "etc." and if I'm really brazen, then begging to suck it. I'm a total grammar whore.

It's always time to seek out bulges, and if you're lucky, that rare dick poking up out of a waistband. All for waiting eyes. Dick is everywhere, yet there's never enough.

I just rewatched The Truman Show, you know that '90s flick about a guy raised inside a reality show from birth. Can some porn producer do a gay xxx version please? It could be called The True Man Show and it would star a guy with a huge penis who doesn't know anybody is watching him and his huge penis go about their daily business.