Ask GayDemon: To Spank or Not To Spank

My boyfriend and I have an open relationship. After one of his recent outings, my boyfriend told me that he got spanked, as in over the guy's knee, then the guy used a belt on him. He really liked it and told me he wants to explore spanking in our relationship. We've always been pretty vanilla, but I have to admit that spanking intrigues me, but it also sounds weird. I guess I should just get over it. Any thoughts or suggestions?

-Spanking Virgin

You should get rid of the "should" here. You don't need to get over thinking spanking sounds weird if in fact you are fully not into it. Open relationship doesn't mean you are into every kink equally. And a key benefit to an open relationship is that when kinks don't align, each of you can explore them separately.

So while I would suggest you explore this with your boyfriend, if it turns out you're not into it with him, or he's not into it with you, if it still intrigues you (or him), then you're each still free to explore it outside the relationship, just with a different partner or partners. But since it intrigues you and he's interested, then it is worth exploring.

Spanking by hand and implement is not one type fits all. There are several ways to express this kink. I would suggest you each practice on the physicality of it just on a basic level before necessarily putting pressure on it to be a massive turn-on. If you each can try giving and receiving, that's a plus. Otherwise, if you end up being the sole spanker, you won't have the best idea of how it may feel for him. So him spanking you while telling you what he likes (as spanker and potential spankee) is a positive.

There are basics like avoid hitting the kidney area and the balls. Former is never okay. Latter may be okay with negotiation and build up (but that's in the CBT territory which isn't the same thing). You're focusing on the meaty parts of the ass. And if you both get super into it, you may even want to get into more intense glute workouts to give each other bigger targets. Why do you think all the folks at the gym work on their glutes so much? Okay, some aren't doing that for spanking, but some are.

You're also practicing on the build up, as endorphins flow, it's important the spanker minds how the spankee's body is doing, as pain tolerance changes. Plus integrating squeezes and other massage-type strokes, between spanks can keep the circulation going and heighten the sensitivity and tension in the moment.

There are also spanking games you can play, from basic counting to more intense role play. It can be light fun or more intense, leading to cathartic tears. You can integrate tickling by hand or implement like a feather. Some folks are into the sensation play aspect of it, so adding other sensations, plus mixing up the spanking intensity and speed, can really get them going.

As for belts, that or other implements, does require more practice and skill, and for some people may get in the way of that hand to skin intimacy. For others, the tool may be an extension of the intimacy and become and important part of a ritual. If you have a sex toy shop near you, you may find some helpful clerks and potentially some instructional opportunities through them.

Some communities have workshops in a more public space, or just by word of mouth. Plus the person your boyfriend played with may be someone with a good deal of knowledge. That doesn't mean a group situation, but knowledge sharing. Though if your boyfriend wants to be the practice model, that could work.

Also, spanking may be the full sex act in its own right, or a precursor, or integrated into what you think of as your vanilla sex. It can be freeing to not involve genitals directly and know you can have a similar build up of sexual desire without a typical approach.

Ultimately, this is a very positive thing, as it may result in you each finding different ways to touch and experience each other sexually, and learn about yourselves along the way. Communication is key, prior, during and after. And especially after, make sure there is time for comforting, cuddling, tenderness and kindness, as emotions may arise.

If you're intrigued by other possible kinks to explore together, you can use this is a model experience, and know that you won't always be a match on each kink, but you may want to encourage him to tell you about his experiences and interests along the way, and you'll do the same. If you can get enough of a kink overlap, it can keep your sexual relationship strong and vibrant and you'll each get to know yourself better and gain confidence and experience.

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