Your Fault

Author’s note: The following story takes place in England in the 1970’s and is based on a true story, although names have been changed to hide identities.

1.

By the time Harry was five years old it was very clear that he loved dancing. Jenny, his older sister by two years, loved ballet and attended ballet classes. Harry would dress up in her ballet clothes to dance around the house. Joan, his mother, couldn’t see the harm in it so let him have his fun. However, if Robert, his stepfather caught him prancing around in Jenny’s tutu, all hell would let loose.

“Only queers dress up in girls’ clothes” he’d shout. “I want my son to grow up as a man and play football or rugby. Besides, being queer is against the Lord’s word.”

He’d turn to his wife and demand that she stop his son from doing such things. “The bible says that homosexual behaviour is wrong.”

Joan knew her husband was a devout Catholic and followed the bible’s teachings to the ultimate degree. There was no leeway in his thinking at all. He attended every possible church service and more, and the whole family had to attend church every Sunday without fail. Although she considered herself a good Catholic, she didn’t take everything the bible said quite so literally. However, she’d made her marriage vow to obey her husband, so knew she’d have to abide by his rules, or at least appear to do so.

Harry feared his father’s wrath which at times was terrifying and on occasions resulted in his father using his belt on him, despite his mother’s attempts to stop him and persuade him not to raise their son in that manner.

“Jenny goes to ballet classes, and she’s told me other boys attend as well, so why can’t I?”

“Because your father forbids it” she replied, trying to placate him.

“It’s not fair” Harry pouted and stormed off to his bedroom, ripping the tutu off him as he went.

Joan looked at her husband but she could tell he was adamant so there was no point in arguing. She also knew when she married Robert following the death of Harry’s birth father that he was delighted she had a boy to do ‘boy’ things such as playing football and following the local team. He tolerated Jenny but never showed the same interest.

She went upstairs to Harry’s room and slipped inside. He was on the bed crying.

“It’s not fair,” he wailed. “I hate him.”

Joan took him into her arms and cuddled him. “We love you, Harry. You know that don't you?”

He half nodded in her arms. He knew his mother loved him, but he wasn’t sure Robert did.

“Why do you like ballet?” she asked.

“It’s beautiful and I love dancing,” he replied mournfully. “I hate football. He lets Jenny go to ballet classes.

“Life isn’t always fair,'' she replied and kissed him. He calmed down and returned downstairs having got dressed in his ‘boy’ clothes. As they made their way, she decided she’d speak to Jenny’s ballet teacher and ask her about Harry joining the beginner’s class. But she’d have to keep it a secret from her husband.

The ballet teacher said he’d be delighted to have Harry join his beginner’s class. When she told Harry he jumped up and hugged her.

“You’ll have to keep it a secret from Robert.” She also told Jenny and she also agreed not to say a word to the man she hated.

Harry loved the ballet classes, and the teacher was very pleased with his progress. But his happiness didn’t last. By the time he was fourteen, his stepfather was certain that Harry was gay.

“He still prances around the house like a fucking fairy, and he refuses to play football with me or come to matches.”

“Not all boys like football,” Joan replied.

“Don’t be so stupid, woman. All proper boys like football. He’s a pansy and I’m not having a pansy for my son.”

She was tempted to reply that Harry wasn’t his son but knew that would inflame things. Over the past few years she’d come to the conclusion that she’d made a mistake marrying this man. He stormed off and grabbed hold of Harry who was busy doing his homework in order to keep out of Robert’s sight.

“You’re going to play football whether you like it or not” he shouted. “And you’re coming to the match with me tomorrow afternoon.”

“I hate football,” Harry shouted.

“You’re a queer” Robert shouted back and slapped the boy around the head. “Are you a queer?”

Harry looked at him but didn’t reply. He knew he liked looking at other boys, especially in the shower after swimming lessons. He’d also read in the newspaper an article about the 1967 Sexual Offences Act which decriminalised private homosexual acts between men aged over 21, while at the same time imposing heavier penalties on street offences, so he presumed he was gay, but he wasn’t going to admit that to this homophobe.

Robert dragged him out into the garden and started kicking a ball around. Harry deliberately kicked it into the flowerbeds to annoy him. In the end, Robert was exacerbated and gave up. The following morning, Harry made sure he went out cycling with his friend Richard and didn’t return until late afternoon.

It was a beautiful day and whilst they laid on the grass beside one another, Harry told Richard what had happened the previous day with his stepfather.

“My dad tried to get me into football, but he soon realised I was hopeless and not interested. He gave up in the end” Richard replied.

They’d been friends from an early age and had exchanged feelings about being different from other boys.

“He asked me if I was queer” Harry commented.”

“Fuck. What did you say?” Richard asked.

“Nothing. I think he knows.” He then detailed the article he’d read about the Sexual Offences Act. “I think I’m gay” he confided.

“Same here but I hate being different. I wish I was normal” Richard replied.

“Do you enjoy looking at other boys in the shower?”

“Yeah, and I’ve noticed you do too,” Richard laughed. “I get a hard-on sometimes. Do you?”

Harry said he did and unconsciously felt himself.

“Have you got one now?” Richard giggled. Harry nodded and Richard moved his hand into his friend’s crotch. “Wow, that’s a nice big cock” he said as he massaged it through the thin shorts.

From thereon they talked frequently about their feelings and how it affected them. Both knew they couldn’t talk to their parents about how they felt, so bottled it up which caused them to suffer from depression.

On returning home from work several months later, Robert found Harry in the kitchen helping his mother cooking.

“You shouldn’t encourage him to do girly things,” he said. “He’s queer enough. You’ll make him worse.”

“He wanted to help and learn how to cook,” Joan replied.

“Boys don’t cook. That’s a woman’s job. If you’ve got nothing to do” he shouted at Harry, “go outside and practice kicking a ball around.”

Harry glared at him, ripped off his apron, threw it at Robert’s feet and stormed up the stairs to his room. He slammed the door and sank onto the bed. He found a notebook amongst his school things and started writing a diary. Why, he had no idea but by recording his frustrations helped calm his anger. He started by writing an introduction which included his life from as early as he could remember up to the current day. He enjoyed writing and was good at it.

From thereon he dated every incident with his stepfather, his discussions with Richard about how they felt being gay in a world that publicly hated them and called them vile names. Even at school he and Richard were bullied, both physically and emotionally but the teachers never stopped it.

Downstairs, Robert was telling his wife it was time to do something about Harry’s ‘condition’.

“I’m going to look into what could be done and see if there are clinics he can go to. I’ll arrange for him to spend the school summer holiday at one, so he doesn’t miss school.”

Joan asked what sort of treatment was involved.

“It’s called conversion therapy. Don’t know what kind of treatment. I don’t care what it involves as long as it makes him into a proper boy.”

Joan wasn’t so sure but was afraid to express her concerns.

“It’s for his own good” Robert continued. “The Bible repeatably warns that homosexuality is a mortal sin, and that gay people are doomed to damnation. If Harry doesn’t repent and change, there will be no reunion in heaven.”

Joan nodded. She knew that’s what the scriptures said, and she believed everything the bible and their priest at their church said, as did Robert, although he was far more devout than her.

2.

“I don’t want to go to a clinic” Harry cried after his stepfather had told him about the arrangements, he’d finally made which had cost a considerable amount.

“You’re going, and that’s final” Robert shouted. Harry looked at his mother hoping for support, but he got none.

“It’s for the best, Harry. You need some help, and this clinic has said they can make you better.”

He realised there was nothing he could do to stop it, apart from running away. His sixteenth birthday had just taken place and he’d looked forward to spending the summer with his close friend. He asked if he could call him to explain why he wouldn’t be around.

“They’re what” Richard exclaimed. “Are they too stupid to know it doesn’t work? We’re gay and there’s nothing anyone can do. If I thought there was a treatment that worked, I’d willingly accept it because I wish I was normal like other boys.”

Hearing what his friend had said made Harry feel worse, but he knew there was nothing he could do. If he tried to resist, his stepfather would resort to physical punishment. He’d done so before, including using a belt on his buttocks until it was raw. He packed a bag and hid his notebook diary amongst the clothes.

The clinic, at least that’s what they called it, was situated in the country miles from anywhere, presumably to discourage patients from trying to escape. He was welcomed by Dr Fuller. Whether he was a real doctor, Harry never found out, but he soon learned that his techniques were far from normal.

“Sit down, Harry,” the doctor told him. “You’re here to rid yourself of a terrible affliction which as you know is very much against the teachings of the Lord’s good book.”

Harry groaned. He couldn’t get away from the bible which was the biggest pain in his life, and he hated it. The doctor prattled on, but Harry closed his ears to what was being said.

“Is that clear?”

Harry nodded, not having a clue as to what he was agreeing. An orderly appeared and took him up to the bedroom which would be his for the duration. The orderly disappeared and left him to unpack.

“Hi, I’m Paul,” a fellow inmate announced. “We’re roommates. I too arrived today. This place is a fucking joke. They’re stupid enough to think we choose to be gay and can make us straight. How long have you known?”

Harry sat down on the bed opposite Robin’s and smiled. He was a nice-looking guy and the same age as him, he later found out.

“I knew I was different by the age of seven, if not before but I didn’t put a name to it until several years later. You?”

“Much the same. I knew I preferred being with boys rather than girls very early in life. I haven’t a clue what they do to us at this place, but I reckon the best course of action is to go along with them and pretend it’s having the desired effect.”

Harry agreed. He liked Paul. He had blonde hair like him, bright blue eyes, and a nice body. His own body was already reacting, but he tried to hide it.

A bell sounded and Paul said that was the signal to assemble downstairs. Harry had vaguely heard the orderly say something about that, but his mind was on other things. They made their way into a room with six other boys, all of whom looked much the same age as Harry.

“Good morning. My name is Benjamin, and I am the clinician who will be leading classes and having individual sessions with you. As you are aware, you are here to be made well and to eradicate the condition from which you are all suffering.”

“And what’s that?” a boy named Tom asked with a leering smile on his face.

“Stand up, boy” Benjamin called with an angry expression on his face. Tom stood up and stared at him. “Are you attracted to other boys?”

“Yeah, so what? It’s not a crime.”

“It is in the eyes of God and the bible clearly states that homosexuality is wrong.”

“Then God and the bible are idiots. We are what we are, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it” Tom responded. Everyone looked at him envious of his courage to stand up and tell the clinician what they all thought.

“Come to the front,” Benjamin yelled. Tom slouched his way to the front. He was then told to drop his trousers and his underwear and bend over the side of the desk so the others could see. Benjamin then proceeded to cane his naked buttocks until it was bright red.

“Return to your seat” he told Tom, having stopped.

“All of you have witnessed physical punishment by this bloke and when I leave this godforsaken place, I’ll be making a complaint to the police, even though I enjoyed it” Tom laughed and waggled his erection. Several others sniggered, having enjoyed the spectacle.

Benjamin then proceeded to get each boy to answer questions such as:

“Are you a homosexual?”

“Do you accept that homosexuality is a sin in the eyes of God?”

“Are you willing to be healed and have this abomination removed?

Most of the eight boys answered the questions how they knew it would satisfy Benjamin but two, including Tom who’d been caned, answered ‘yes’ to the first question but ‘no’ to the others.

Eventually, the session ended, and it was lunchtime but before Benjamin released them, he gave everyone a bible and instructed them to read certain sections, all of which related to God’s view on homosexuality.

“Individual sessions will commence after lunch. You will find a list on the notice board giving the order. Wait in the common room for your name to be called and don’t be late” Benjamin announced.

“Fucking pratt” Tom mumbled as they made their way to the dining room.

“I totally agree with what you said” Harry told Tom as they made their way. “But Paul and I have decided to go along with their stupid ideas to get out of the place as soon as we can.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not prepared to give them the satisfaction so will argue and make a fuss every time I disagree with their stupid ideas.”

After lunch, Harry looked at the notice board and was horrified to find he was the first one listed to see Benjamin. He sat in the common room to wait for being called. On the dot of two o’clock he was called. The small room had a blind on the window which was closed.

“Sit,” Benjamin told him. “You know why you’re at the clinic, don’t you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“No need to call me Sir. I want to undertake a series of tests to see how rooted your homosexuality is. Undress.”

Harry looked at him and frowned.

“I want you naked. I can’t assess your reactions unless I can see your body” Benjamin told him with a degree of frustration in his voice. Harry proceeded to remove his clothes until he was stark naked. “Stand in front of the screen with your hands clasped behind your head and keep them there until I tell you otherwise.”

Benjamin did so, conscious of his large cock hanging between his legs. He’d been blessed with a big organ and was proud of it.

“Images are now going to appear on the screen.”

The first was of a teenage girl wearing skimpy clothes. “Do you like that?”

Harry shrugged his shoulders without giving a positive response. The next image was of the same girl totally naked face on to the camera. Again he showed no reaction.

“Do you like her naked body and her breasts?”

“Not particularly.”

More images were shown of women, also naked and some very erotic. Again, they had no effect on him.

“How about this image?”

A young man appeared on screen totally naked. First a back view and then a full frontal. This time, Harry felt his cock twitch with excitement. More images of the guy appeared showing off an erection and Harry’s cock reacted. It was now semi-hard. He started to remove his hands to cover himself, but Benjamin stopped him. He handcuffed them behind his back.

“I see that image excites you,” Benjamin commented. “Why?”

Harry didn’t reply. Benjamin grabbed hold of the now stiff cock.

“You’re sexually excited, aren’t you? Why?”

“I like looking at the naked male body and, yes, it does excite me sexually” Harry replied. Despite what Paul had said, he couldn’t pretend what he wasn’t.

“Have you been sexually active with another male?”

“No”

“Would you like to?”

“Yes, when I’m older.”

Benjamin stopped the images and fitted an electrode around his cock and on each testicle.

“I’m going to ask you some questions and when you give an unsatisfactory answer you will receive an electric shock. It’s to persuade your unclean mind what is wrong with you.”

“You mean what conflicts with your bible and your God” Harry responded, now determined not to be bullied into submission.

Benjamin didn’t reply but asked the first question.

“Do you consider yourself to be homosexual?”

“Yes,” he replied. “Fuck” he screamed as the electric shock flowed through his cock and balls.

“Do you prefer males to females?”

“Yes.” He received another shock through the electrodes.

“Would you like to have sex with a male?”

“Yes”

“Do you accept that homosexuality is a sin?”

“No”

“Do you want to be cured of your homosexual condition?”

“It’s not a condition. I was born this way; I didn’t choose to be gay.”

An even stronger shock ran through his genitals, but he gritted his teeth. In fact, he was beginning to enjoy it and his erection became harder.

“Do you accept that a man should only lie with a woman according to God’s word?”

“No.”

More images were shown on the screen. These were far more erotic than previously and included naked women, a man fucking a woman and two guys fucking. The latter caused his cock to immediately react which resulted in another electric shock. By the time the screen went blank his cock was rock hard.

“Get dressed,” Benjamin told him, clearly disappointed. “We’ll have another session tomorrow.”

“Will I be subjected to more electric shocks?” Harry casually asked as he dressed.

“Depends on whether your mind has expunged its unclean thoughts.”

Harry smiled. It won't, he thought to himself as he made his exit.

As soon as he joined the others in the common room, they gathered around to find out what had happened.

“Fucking hell” one boy exclaimed. “Do the electric shocks hurt?”

“To start with, but I got used to them and they eventually turned me on.”

The next boy was called, and he returned crying. Others rushed over to comfort him.

“Tom. You’re next” the orderly announced.

“I’d love to be a fly on the wall,” one boy remarked.

Tom answered all the questions confirming that he was gay. The male images immediately turned him on, and he enjoyed the electric shocks causing an even bigger erection. Like Harry, he too was well endowed.

“Does seeing my hard-on turn you on?” he asked Benjamin.

“Certainly not,” he replied.

Tom laughed. “From what I can see, you’re hiding a boner.”

“I can see it’s going to take a lot more sessions to rid your mind of its filthy thoughts.”

Tom leaned over the desk with his hard cock still on view. “I’m fucking gay and I’m happy. This rubbish is not going to change that. I am what I am. The sooner you stupid people get that into your fucking ignorant heads, the better. I’m out of here.”

Tom grabbed his clothes and walked out of the room stark naked. As he entered the common room the others gasped. He had a beautiful body, and several guys felt their own bodies react down below.

“Anybody want some fun?” he whispered. “How about you, Harry?”

For a moment, Harry was taken aback at being asked. “Yeah” he replied.

“Come to my room in five minutes. We don’t want the ‘snooper’ seeing us.”

The orderly had been named the ‘snooper’ because he was always watching them. As he walked off naked to his room the orderly told him to get dressed.

“I’ve just been asked to undress by the prick in there. Think it turns him on. So, I’ll decide when I want to dress. Fuck off and go wank yourself.”

The others giggled. Tom was a character and they all liked him. Harry left it five minutes before he casually walked upstairs to Tom’s room. He found him stark naked on the bed gently massaging his cock.

“Use the chair to stop someone barging in” he told Harry who immediately placed the back of the chair under the door handle to prevent it from opening. “Okay, let’s see what you’ve got to offer,” Tom laughed. Harry immediately stripped naked. His cock was already excited. “Been fucked before?”

“No,” he replied.

“In that case, you’re in for a treat” Tom giggled and told him to start sucking his cock before he fucked Harry’s cute arse.

Harry had never sucked cock before, but he quickly got into the rhythm. Once it was rock hard, Tom told him to kneel on the bed and bury his head into the pillow. Tom lubricated his cock and then fingered Harry’s arse with a lubricated finger. He gasped as it entered but soon enjoyed the experience. Tom then inserted two fingers to open him up before inserting his big cock. He gently pushed the big head into the puckered hole and held it there for a moment to give Harry time to acclimatise.

“Mm, that feels so good,” Harry exclaimed.

“You’ve got a beautiful tight arse” Tom groaned as he commenced pumping. He continued in silence, slowly fucking the hot channel. When it was time, he increased the pace and shot his load of cum inside.

“Fuck, that was good” Tom whispered. “Did you enjoy that?”

“Yeah. Fucking brilliant” Harry beamed. If this was what being gay meant, then bring it on.

When they went to bed, Paul wanted to know what had happened with Tom.

“Wow. Would love to be fucked by him” he replied after Harry had detailed everything.

The next morning they were lectured by Dr Turner and made to pray to God that he’d cleanse their minds of dirty thoughts. Tom and Harry glanced at each other and grinned. More one to one sessions continued the following day, much the same as before. Both Harry and Tom admitted to one another that the electric shock treatment turned them on despite the inhumanity of it.

Tom continued to answer back which frustrated Benjamin and the doctor. They eventually called his mother who’d sent him to the clinic. She too was deeply religious and considered her son’s affliction would stop him going to heaven when the time came. Tom just laughed at her. He’d only agreed to attend the clinic to get away from her for a few weeks.

“What are you doing,” she asked Tom. “You’re being disrespectful to those trying to help rid you of your affliction.”

Tom laughed at her. “Disrespectful? These idiotic fuckers here are the ones being disrespectful. Do you know what they do to us? They make us strip naked, attach electrodes to our balls and try to electrocute us if we admit we’re gay and get a stiff cock when we see naked men having sex.”

“I’m sure they know what they’re doing, son. They’re helping you.”

“Fuck off, mother and don’t bother me again. When I leave this lousy place, I’ll go my own way and live the life I want to live, I never want to see you again.”

She gasped and then cried as he walked away. She left not knowing what she’d do without him. She loved him so much, which was why she’d paid for him to attend the clinic. Her husband had left her several years before because of her strict religion. She was now alone.

Life at the clinic continued in much the same way. On some days, those boys who refused to accept what they were being told, were told to strip naked in front of the others and be caned until their buttocks were red all over. Apart from two who genuinely wanted to be made ‘well’ the others joined Tom and Harry and showed their disapproval by refusing to follow the rules.

Each day, Tom and Harry enjoyed sex with one another to get them through to the end. Dr Fuller knew he couldn’t send them home early because he’d received large amounts of money from each parent to have their son converted.

Finally, it was time to leave. Tom tried to persuade Harry to join him, but Harry knew he couldn’t. He knew Robert would find him and drag him back home, so he reluctantly climbed into the car.

“So, have you had those vile thoughts eradicated?”

“What vile thoughts?” Harry innocently asked.

“You know very well. Are you still a homosexual?”

“Yes. I now know I’m definitely gay” Harry replied, knowing it would piss him off.

“I’ve spent good money for you to attend that clinic” Robert shouted.

“More fool you” Harry laughed.

Robert wanted to hit him, but he was driving, so couldn’t. The reunion with his mother was better but she could sense her husband’s wrath as he walked in. Harry went up to his bedroom to unpack and then went to visit Richard. He’d missed him so much. At least seeing him made him feel better even though he knew life at home would be utter misery from now on.

As predicted, his stepfather made life intolerable for Harry. In addition, he and Richard continued to be bullied at school. Both became depressed and nothing helped them get out of it. But whenever they had the chance, they had sex. Richard loved being fucked by Harry’s big cock and they loved sucking each other off.

Life continued like this until they were both eighteen. They’d both attended college after leaving school but life at home was still miserable. Richard kept saying that he so wished he was normal which made him depressed. Harry accepted his sexuality, but his stepfather made life intolerable, forcing him to learn pieces from the bible about the sins of the flesh and that he’d go to hell if he didn’t change.

They’d both finished college and passed their exams, so were ready to commence work as soon as they found a job. As usual, Richard went on a two-week summer holiday with his parents. Harry knew he was very depressed before they left but hoped he’d feel better on his return.

A week later, he received a visit from Richard’s father.

“I know you and Richard were good friends” he told Harry, “So I wanted you to know before you heard from others.”

Harry looked at him knowing something was wrong. “Is Richard, okay?” he asked.

“He’s died. It seems he fell off a cliff. We think he ventured too near the edge and fell.”

Harry burst into tears. His only true friend had gone. He knew the family had gone to Cornwall and he also knew that Richard hated heights so would never have gone anywhere near the edge. He knew without doubt that his dear friend had committed suicide leaving him with nobody to confide in and talk to about his sexuality. He ran upstairs to his room, shut the door, fell onto the bed, and buried his face in the pillow. How long he cried for he didn’t know but became aware that his mother was trying to comfort him.

“I’m so sorry, my love. I know how much you liked Richard. He was a lovely boy. Such a tragedy.”

He looked at her, unable to speak.

3.

The days passed by, but Harry was in a daze. He couldn’t get over the loss of his only friend. Robert took him to church, and they prayed together. Although he hated the church and what it stood for, it did provide some comfort, but he couldn’t concentrate on anything.

“You must concentrate on getting a job and start paying your way,” his stepfather said. “And when you attend interviews, make sure you look masculine and not a pansy. No employer wants to employ a pansy.”

Harry looked at him and realised that his stepfather still hated him for what he was. He returned to his room and sank onto the bed. He felt so depressed. After a while, he decided to go out for a walk. He just wandered around and eventually found himself in the local park. He sat on a bench and gazed blankly at the scenery.

“Cheer up mate. It could be worse” a guy said as he sat down beside Harry.

“Could it?” Harry replied. “I doubt it.”

“What’s wrong, mate” the guy replied and placed a hand on Harry’s thigh. “I’m Terence. I’ve seen you here before with a mate of yours.”

Terence had seen Harry and Richard on several occasions and had immediately recognised they were both gay.

“He’s dead,” Harry muttered.

“I’m so sorry,” Terence replied and put an arm around Harry to comfort him. “How did he die?”

“Jumped off a cliff” he replied, now convinced that was what Richard had done.

“Fuck. Do you know why?”

Harry turned his face to Terrence’s, and something told him that he was like him. “He wanted to be normal” he replied, “but knew he couldn’t.”

“Yeah, us gays have often gone through that phase, but you are what you are,” Terrence replied and then added “Would you like to come back to my place? I live nearby.”

Without thinking, Harry nodded. He felt a connection to Terrence.

A few minutes later he was walking into the bedsit where he lived.

“Not a palace but it suits me” Terrence laughed and commenced removing Harry’s clothes. Once he had the young lad down to his underpants, he hastily removed his own clothes. He’d often drooled over the two lads when he’d seen them in the park and imagined what it would be like to have his cock inside them. Now he had his chance. He yanked Harry’s briefs off him and pushed him onto his knees to suck his cock, which was already getting hard with anticipation. Harry looked at it for a moment and then took it into his mouth. He was operating on autopilot without thinking. When the organ was rock hard, Terrence pushed him onto the bed face down and mounted him. Within seconds, he had his stiff cock inside the cute lad’s arse and was fucking him like mad. Harry gasped and uttered low groans as the big hard tool fucked him. It was far from pleasant, but he was helpless since he was now being held down with the weight of the guy on top of him.

After what seemed like ages, the pumping stopped, and Terrence uttered a long howl of delight as he filled the arse with his load.

“Fuck, that was good,” he yelled. He pulled out and gave Harry’s naked buttocks two slaps. “There you are. That should make you feel better” he laughed.

Harry climbed off the bed and hastily put his clothes back on. He didn’t feel better. In fact, he felt worse and questioned himself as to why he’d agreed to let the guy fuck him. He went home and laid on his bed. He heard his mother calling to say it was time for the evening meal but ignored it. Several minutes later his stepfather burst into the room.

“Are you deaf? Your mother’s been calling you.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You still join us so we can praise God for the food on the table. Whether you eat what your mother has prepared is up to you.”

Harry reluctantly followed him downstairs. He sat at the table and listened to his stepfather drone on about God blessing them with good health and the food before them. Harry wanted to shout ‘God had not blessed him with anything worthwhile and he’d made his life a misery, but he didn’t. He picked at his food and attempted to blot out Robert’s voice which droned on incessantly about God’s work and the scriptures. He was at bursting point by the time the meal ended.

He helped his mother wash the dishes whilst Robert sat down smoking his pipe and reading the newspaper. He considered washing up was a woman’s job and certainly not a man’s. His mother said nothing, but she could tell her son was depressed which she assumed was due to Richard’s death.

With the clearing up done, he started to go upstairs.

“Tomorrow evening you’re coming with me to a local football match” Robert called out. Harry ignored him.

The following morning at breakfast he reminded Harry about the match that night.

“I hate football. I’m not coming” he shouted.

“Don’t be such a pansy. It will make a man of you” Robert replied harshly.

“I’m not coming and that’s final.”

“In that case you’ll be attending another clinic. I’ve found one that guarantees they can remove your pansy ways and make a man of you. Don’t forget what God says about people like you.”

Harry stormed out. He’d had enough. He’d walked for miles before finding himself on the footbridge that crossed the M1 motorway. He stopped halfway and looked over the railings. Traffic was speeding beneath him. He’d thought about it a lot since losing Richard. He checked that he was the only person on the footbridge.

He climbed the railing and waited for an HGV vehicle to approach. Having calculated how long his fall would take, he let go of the railings and let himself fall into the path of the vehicle. The driver didn’t have any chance of missing him. The body hit the front of his truck and he stamped on his breaks. Cars behind and beside him did the same, screeching to a halt. Harry felt nothing as life slipped away from his body.

“I saw him fall,” a motorist was yelling. “He appeared to deliberately jump.”

Within minutes the emergency vehicles were on scene. Harry’s lifeless body was carefully placed into the back of an ambulance. The police checked the pockets and found an ID giving his name and address.

Joan was busy baking when the doorbell rang. She answered the door, and two police officers were standing there, one male and one female.

Having heard the tragic news she burst into tears. She’d realised her son was deeply depressed but hadn’t done enough to support him. The officer called Robert’s place of work and gave them the news, asking that he should return home immediately.

“It’s your fault” she shouted as soon as he set foot through the door. He needed our help, but you kept nagging him about being a pansy and how he should be a man.”

He just looked at her, not sure what to say.

“If only he’d followed God’s word and allowed himself to be healed” he eventually said. She gave him a scornful look knowing in her heart that he was to blame for Harry taking his own life. She kicked herself for not seeing the signs earlier.

She called Jenny’s place of work. She’d obtained a secretarial job with a local company. When she arrived home, she found her mother in Harry’s bedroom.

“He wrote a diary. It’s all here. How he realised he was gay, how he tried to wrestle with his feelings, his hatred of Robert and the church. It also records how his friend Richard wished he was normal and that was why he jumped off the cliff.

Joan and Jenny read Harry’s diary together and both were stunned by the depth of Harry’s despair. They read the final entry that said “My life is over as far as I’m concerned, and I hate living. God must get a certain amount of self-satisfaction watching people such as me deal with the hate he causes. I hate God for this.”

Both of them burst into tears.

“I wish I’d known,” Jenny sobbed. I loved him. I always will. I'm sorry to say Mum, but Robert drove him to this. I’m sure of it.”

Joan sobbed, “I agree.”

A moment later she stood up. “Come. We’re leaving. I can’t look at that man again. Pack a case and we’ll go to your Aunty. She’ll understand.”

Jenny had always liked her aunty Barbara, her mother’s sister, who lived a thirty-minute drive away. Having each packed a suitcase they went downstairs. Joan couldn’t drive but Jenny could and had recently bought herself a small car. Whilst Joan put the suitcases in the car, Jenny told Robert where they were going.

“Why? For heaven’s sake, it’s not my fault he wouldn’t trust in God to guide him onto the right path.”

“That’s the problem. It was your fault. You never stopped to find out what he was going through. Goodbye Robert. I shan’t be back.”

Aunty Barbara was far more aware of real life than her sister. “I told you that man wasn’t right for you but that won’t bring the beautiful Harry back.”

“I know,” Joan replied, “I need to do something to stop other young gay people feeling they’re not accepted and feel life is not worth living.”

“I know someone who can help you with that,” Barbara replied.

So, within a few weeks Joan and Jenny started campaigning for parents to accept their children’s sexuality. She divorced Robert and moved into a flat with Jenny. They felt Harry’s spirit always beside them. Joan gave up attending church unless it was to speak about how the bible should be interpreted in the modern day. She’d lost her son, but she was determined other mothers shouldn’t lose theirs just because they were gay.

Tom on the other hand had travelled to London to start a new life after leaving the clinic. He’d so hoped Harry would join him. He liked the guy and knew they’d have lots of fun together.

*****

Author’s note: Tom’s new life in London is the topic of another story - see 'Tom's New Life'