Twenty one years of of bisexual exploration

Unwanted domination leads to crossdressing

After my 3 local men I decided I should take a break for awhile from hook ups before my secret got out. In this time I experimented more with cross dressing and my inner "bad girl" and accepted some truths about myself, one that I was not curious but bi and two that I loved having a man cum in my mouth.

About a year had passed when a job change had me travelling to the city dily for work. It was a long commute and I soon realized I could always play near work and blame traffic. I loaded Scruff again and went looking for another hairy older man to please, and it didn't take long before I found him.

He was gay, married, mid 50's, beard, salt and pepper hair, tall but stocky, just my type. We chatted a few times before he invited me over, having flex time in my position I decided I would leave at 4 and give myself at least an hour to play. I remember it being a very pleasant spring afternoon when I pulled into his driveway. He met me at the door and invited me into his kitchen. He was an architect and I have an interest in the subject so we spent about 10 minutes talking about architecture before he suggested we kiss, I eagerly agreed. He pulled me in and kissed me deep, the familiar sting of his beard on my lips made my cock harden and I put my arms around his neck as we kissed. After a few minutes of making out the first red flag came, out of nowhere he put me in a bear hug and whispered how I was his boy and he wanted me to know how strong he was. He refused to break the hard hug until I told him he was much stronger than I was, then he took me to the bedroom.

Once we were in the bedroom he told me to take my dress shirt off and as soon as I had he pushed me to my knees and pulled his cock out. Like my last lover, it was smaller than average, but he was very aggressive with it, slapping it on my face and calling me his "f**got". I instantly regretted telling him I wanted to be submissive, not knowing gay culture I had a very different idea of submissive and dominant. I wanted to be taken, but this was altogether different. My only hope was that he wasn't big and I could hopefully make him cum quick.

What transpired, for all intents and purposes was really sexual assault but I didn't directly say no, but in that dynamic it didn't feel like "no" was an option. I didn't enjoy it, it didn't arouse me but not until I recounted the tale to a later lover did I realize it was assault.

Once I was on my knees he shoved his cock into my mouth then immediately grabbed me by the hair and started skull fucking me. He wasn't even 5 inches but somehow he was relentlessly gagging me. He pulled my head back off his cock, told me to open his mouth and slapped my face then spit into my open mouth and me repeat "I'm a cock sucking f**got" etc. in between thrusts of his cock in my mouth. After 5 or so minutes he finally grunted and pushed my head into his crotch as his cock started my tongue and throat with his load (which was the only part I did enjoy). He told me to show him the load and then told me to clean him off and I complied.

After he picked me up and tossed me on the bed and pulled my pants down and gave me a spanking on the ass and told me "next time I'll fuck you" there was never a next time.

He told me to get dressed and once I had my pants up and shirt back on he pushed me back into the kitchen and tried to engage in small talk. I told him I had to go and he insisted on a goodbye kiss. I gave him one and the fucker put me in another bear hug and reminded me how he could beat my ass if he wanted to. I broke the hug and said goodbye, quickly backing out and driving away.

After that I learned the difference between wanting to be taken and wanting to be dominated and have luckily never had another experience like that. Still, as I drove home I started to think maybe this bi thing isn't really working out. I had 2 good experiences out of 6 and still hadn't bottomed or had the experience I was hoping for.When I got home I deleted Scruff and decided I would explore cross dressing privately and forget about hooking up with men. 

For the next year that's what I did. When I was sure it was late enough or I was home alone for any length of time I dressed. I pulled a full length mirror into my private office on the far end of the house and stole my wife's makeup and hair pieces and a would borrow her clothes. I let my hair grow out to shoulder length and learned how to style it like a woman's style. I would sit and chain smoke cigarettes and weed in the mirror as I did my makeup, watching my appearance become passably feminine. Occasionally I would get my hands on some oxycontin and would snort lines as I transitioned, it was all a turn on for me and it seemed safer than meeting with men, but I still wanted so badly to feel a man inside me, to make him moan and grunt and giving a smoking blowjob was now a goal

It wasn't until another job change that required some travel a year later that I would hook up with a man again, but it was a fun year of self exploration.