To Have

Sean shifted to fifth and accelerated up to fifty, five over the limit for the narrow two lane road that wound through the countryside. He had the top and doors off enjoying the swirl of air, a dry warmth for the Fall day. His t-shirt fluttered against his chest and stomach as he held the steering wheel with one hand and adjusted the stereo with the other. The 37” tires roared over the rough slag road as the Jeep floated on his lifted chassis over the undulating surface.

The Jeep was a graduation present from his parents and he been enjoying driving it for the last four months. At college he didn’t get to drive it much for he couldn’t park on campus and there wasn’t much need to drive when walking was more convenient. Home for the weekend he was spending the afternoon driving around. He passed homes of family and friends from high school days and each one brought back memories from the last few years, the last the most poignant to him since it was his senior year. Music loud enough to hear over the noise of the wind he motored along the highway.

At a curve, one sweeping in a gentle arc, he didn’t slow as he maneuvered around it. As the sun hit him in the eyes he pulled his cap down lower and reached for his cell phone seeing the screen lit up. A message from a friend, one he would respond to later so he set the phone back into the cup holder. Looking up he suddenly saw a bicycle rider in his lane. Slamming on the brakes he quickly locked up the large tires. They howled as they slid over the rough slag surface, the Jeep hunkering down on the chassis and swaying back and forth as it tried to stop fighting against its forward momentum. One minute the bicyclist was in front of him then in a blink of an eye he was gone and Sean felt time slow to a crawl, the image of the bicyclist going under his Jeep and being dragged down the road came at him in vivid stark relief. It seemed to take forever for the Jeep to slid to a stop as it ground the tires against the road’s surface.

Finally at a stop with only the sound of the motor idling and the stench of rubber, Sean sat holding the steering wheel in a white knuckled grip. He stared ahead a moment afraid to look in the mirror, then slowly turned his eyes to it seeing the road behind him was clear except for the dark marks left by his hard braking. ‘He must be under the Jeep’ he thought as he put the Jeep in neutral and set the parking brake. Climbing down he expected to see blood ooze from underneath but stooping down it was clear under the Jeep.

“What the hell, man” a voice yelled out and for a moment Sean could not figure out from where it came. It sounded as if it came from all around him. He looked up over the open Jeep then back down the road. Standing in the ditch in the tall grass and weeds was the rider. Sean breathed a sigh of relief then felt embarrassed about nearly running the rider down.

“You okay?”

“Sean Murray?! You rich asshole, what do you care” the rider yelled back.

The voice was familiar, even the angry tone, one with a hurt in it. “Lamar?”

Lamar Gilliam, one of his classmates from high school, one that had been picked on since elementary for he came from one of the poorest families. Mr. Gilliam could not hold a job for his drinking and Mrs. Gilliam worked at one of the fast food joints over in Damascus earning barely enough to keep a roof over their heads. Lamar was one of six children, somewhere in the middle was all he could remember. Lamar had worn handed down clothes from his brothers who were shorter and stockier so everything was too baggy and too short in the legs and arms. He never looked right with his dingy white socks showing all the time over cheap frayed sneakers. Even the jeans Lamar wore were frayed in a manner that somehow never looked trendy; just tired and worn.

Sean looked at Lamar and the past flashed through his mind how he had been a part of the teasing for years, been one to pick on Lamar and his siblings. But something happened last winter that made him regret it, all of it. Their science teacher paired them together so for a few days they worked side by side. Immediately he learned Lamar was not dim witted but very smart, knowing the assignment better than he did. Lamar was neat, careful with each step as they successfully did each part. He began to study Lamar up close, the way his nails were clean and neatly trimmed or how Lamar never had any body odor always being clean. He realized upon reflection that Lamar’s hair had never been greasy or dirty like his brothers had been from time to time. The only problem in appearance was the clothes that even clean had the look of the impoverished. The safety pin securing the front of his pants or the mismatched buttons on a shirt or the patches on the elbows of a jacket, one that always seemed too thin for conditions.  Sean suddenly felt empathy, a sense of the wrongness of inequality that existed between them. He tried to change the way things were between them but Lamar had been hurt too often in the past, fed up with their antics and he was too ashamed to press the issue.

But he had not been able to let it go. After school one day he tried to give Lamar some clothes he no longer wore, clothes that would have fit him better, the two of them both being tall and lanky in build. Lamar had scoffed at the offer tossing the bag back at him. He remembered the hurt tone, the way it cut through the air between. ‘Keep your rich boy charity; I don’t need it’ Lamar had uttered through clinched teeth before turning away and heading for the bus. Sean had never had his status in their community thrown back in his face in such a hostile manner. It shocked him, hurt his feelings in a way he didn’t understand. He had laid in bed that night wondering how Lamar could turn down perfectly good clothes, then all the past teasing he had participated in came back to him, the vivid images of bullying on the playground to the taunts in the hall between classes and he burned with the shame of it all.

All the way till graduation he made gestures and friendly attempts to break this barrier that existed between them but to no avail. He didn’t know why it was so important, couldn’t explain why he so wanted some type of friendship with Lamar. He had begun to watch Lamar between classes, during the classes they shared and the few times their paths crossed in town. He looked at the tall lean build, the shaggy poorly cut hair, so light brown that it would develop blonde streaks in the sun. He knew from science class Lamar’s eyes were a vivid blue, that he had light blonde hairs dusting each forearm, that veins stood out in relief along them and his fingers were long, perfect for piano he had thought. None of the other guys captured his attention the way Lamar had. He hadn’t questioned it; those feelings Lamar had brought up within him. He tried at times to form a reason for it but he couldn’t, for he was afraid of how strongly he longed to be Lamar’s friend, develop some sort of relationship he did not know the boundaries of but sensed the attraction he felt toward Lamar because of it.

Standing in the road watching Lamar lift his bicycle up from the ditch and push it back into the road all those feelings came rushing back, the shame of mistreatment and later, without naming it or giving it full conscious thought, the sense of attraction. He saw the front tire was flat having busted when Lamar had crashed into ditch so he moved toward him, quickly, not thinking about how Lamar would react.

“Lamar…I’m sorry. The sun was in my…”

“Fuck off Sean Murray...just fuck OFF” Lamar uttered, the contempt toward him knife edge sharp.

“Lamar…please, let me help you. I can take you home, get your tire fixed. It’s the least I can do.”

Lamar began to push the bicycle down the road and he fell in beside him keeping step. As they approached the back of his Jeep he noticed Lamar slowing, the initial anger seemed to recede a bit.

“Come on Lamar, let me make it up to you. I didn’t see you for the sun was in my eyes. I wouldn’t deliberately try to run you off the road. Okay?”

Lamar finally stopped a few feet from his Jeep looking down at the road then back at him, no longer angry. Lamar just looked hurt. Nodding his head Lamar pushed the bicycle out to him.

“Okay. Take me home.”

Sean flipped the rear seat forward to make room for the bicycle in the rear and climbed into the driver’s seat. Lamar was already seated, seat belt secured staring straight ahead. Soon they were moving down the road and he kept his speed down telling himself he should do so with Lamar riding along, but he knew he was stalling, giving himself time. It was only a couple of miles to the turnoff, a narrow dirt lane that cut back through pine to a small cluster of mobile homes and a couple of run down old houses, one of which the Gilliam’s lived in.

“What have you been up to?” he asked casually.

“What? What have I been up to? Jesus Christ, you think we’re best buds now or something?”

“I’m sorry…I’m just trying to be…”

“If you must know I was coming home from my shitty job at the convenience store over on 31.”

He knew the store, one that had been the first built in the area and was now one of the most run down. The traffic now passed through the area on 97, not 31, so the store struggled with business. It sold beer and cigarettes, and some said rolling papers, more than anything else.

“Are you going to go to community college or something?”

Lamar looked over at him like he was crazy then the sound of his scoff could be heard over the roar of the tires and the wind swirling inside the Jeep.

“What?  I know you made the grades for it. Why not?”

“Why not? Do I look like I have the means to go to college, even some community college. I ride a bike to get to work, a job that doesn’t pay enough for me to live on” Lamar said shaking his head then looking out to the side talking just loud enough for Sean to hear, “you fucking rich bastards don’t have a clue.”

“Lamar I’m sorry. I don’t know what it is like” Sean said after a moment’s silence. The turn came up and he slowed down and eased off the road onto the rough lane and began to ease into the canopy of the pine heading to the village as most locals referred to it. “Have you got a spare tire for your bike?”

“No.”

Lamar wasn’t sure which house was the Gilliam’s so he slowed and looked over at Lamar who pointed to the last one, one the porch was sagging across the front and its floor was missing most of the boards, long since rotted away. One new 2 x 8 lay across it from the concrete block steps back to the front door. The sight of it tore at Sean more than the condition of Lamar’s clothes.

“Hey, why don’t we unload your bike and go back into town and get you a tire. It is my fault after all.”

For what seemed like the longest time Lamar sat staring back at him, those blue eyes studying him, looking for something, some deceit behind them.

“You’d do that?”

“Yeah…come on let me do this for you.”

“What if people see me with you?”

There it was, an acknowledgment that made Sean feel short of breath. He knew most people were ashamed to be seen around Lamar or any of the others from the village, wouldn’t have anything to do with poor white trash as they referred to them. But at this moment he no longer cared what anyone else thought. 

“I’m a spoiled rich bastard who doesn’t know any better…remember?” Sean replied and for the first time ever he saw Lamar smile.

***

It was growing dark, the clear skies going from blue to a deep dark violent. Sean drove out of the parking lot of the store in Greenville. No one in Damascus had bike tires nor a pump so he had headed to Greenville thirty-five miles away while Lamar initially protested. He had control of the situation and a sense Lamar wasn’t as angry with him as he pretended to be, so he had drove across the countryside, taking back roads all the way. There was a small department store on the edge of town and within a few minutes they were climbing back into the Jeep. Tire and pump stowed below the back seat Sean turned onto the highway headed into town.

“Where are you going?” Lamar asked when Sean turned right instead of left.

“Back into town. I’m starving so I thought we could grab dinner while we are here.”

“What? No! I can’t…”

“Relax will you. This is my fault remember so it’s on me” he replied as he pulled his cell phone out. “I need to call home and let them know. Do you need to let your folks know you’ll be late?”

“No.”

He drove into town to a small diner his dad had brought him to whenever they were together and in the area. It was an old establish that was vinyl tile flooring, plastic laminated tables and hard wood chairs. A décor that had not been in style in fifty years. But the food was good and he knew Lamar wouldn’t be so out of place here among the blue collar workers from the plant and the farmers from the surrounding region who made up the majority of the customers. He hoped the atmosphere would not be intimidating or uncomfortable for Lamar.

As they approached he saw Lamar visibly relax upon seeing the interior, how the place looked as well as the patrons. He held the door open letting Lamar enter first then moved past leading him to a booth on the far wall. He watched Lamar’s eyes scan the menu, saw the wide eye look that made him wonder if Lamar had ever been in a restaurant before. Looking down the menu he saw his favorite was the day’s special, fried chicken with two sides, which he already knew what those would be.

“Order what you want but I have to tell you their fried chicken is really good.”

Lamar just nodded his head and he scanned the menu then on several occasions, cut his eyes to scan the room. The waitress came to their table, pad in hand, asking what they would have tonight.

“Fried chicken, white, with mac and cheese and lima beans, and sweet tea to drink” Sean ordered, his favorite meal, one he always had when at the diner. The waitress looked over at Lamar who hesitated for a moment then looked up.

“I’ll have the same except I don’t like lima beans; can I have peas instead?”

“Of course, and to drink?”

“Sweet tea” Lamar replied as he folded the menu closed and handed it to the waitress.

They sat silent for a long time, Lamar glancing around the room as if he expected someone to come over at any minute to cause trouble and Sean watching him, studying him, unaware of how he couldn’t help himself, some inner need that made him watch Lamar, each movement, the way his eyes looked around and the nervous tapping of fingers on the table, index to the little finger, over and over, the rotation repeating.

“So you’re at one of the big universities?” Lamar asked with such a low voice Sean wasn’t sure he heard.

“Oh...yeah, over at state.”

“No Ivy league college?”

“Oh hell no. I didn’t have the grades for that.”

Lamar smiled and to Sean it seemed to change his whole face, all of his features softened, and his handsomeness became apparent. This attraction was odd, something he wasn’t supposed to feel. It seemed alien, these feelings, and he worried whether or not Lamar could see it on his face.

“What?” Lamar asked.

“Nothing.”

Their food arrived and Sean watched how Lamar ate, taking his time, using the fork more mannerly than even himself. It surprised him and made him feel his past prejudices against Lamar even more, and those he still found himself having against his better judgment. They talked little while eating neither of them sure what to talk about, afraid to disturb this truce that existed between them. When finished and Sean signed the credit receipt they realized the diner was nearly empty.

“I guess we should go” Sean said as he slid out of the booth. They went out and back to the Jeep parked across the street. Driving back toward home he played music just loud enough to hear for neither of them were in the mood to talk. Lamar slumped down in the seat and watched darkened landscape roll past them, brokenly only by the light of windows or a security light in a yard or the occasional car they met as Sean drove. The narrow two lane road undulated over the hills and down over the creeks and over the flat plateaus between.

“This is all so normal to you, isn’t it?” Lamar asked looking over at Sean.

Sean looked down briefly then over at Lamar nodding his head. Driving up to Damascus he turned down main street knowing others would be cruising up and down its length then circling the drive-in or the pizza joint. He drove slowly and Lamar stayed slumped down looking at each vehicle as if afraid he would recognize someone. As they approached the drive-in Sean braked.

“What are you doing?” Lamar asked.

“I thought we could get something to drink. You want a coke or something?”

“No, not really. I just want to get out of here and home.”

“Why? It’s Saturday night and…”

“Why are you doing this to me? Take me home or are you going to embarrass me, mock me…”

“No, no, no, I just thought…okay we’ll leave. Relax Lamar. Please, I meant no harm” as he accelerated shifting up a gear motoring on past the drive-in. They were out of town a couple of miles before Lamar rose up in his seat. Sean watched him look back as if he expected someone to be following them. “Relax Lamar.”

“I don’t belong back there and you know it” Lamar uttered and the hurt and pain was back in his voice, the accusing tone sharp and Sean knew not to argue.

Sean pulled up in front of Lamar’s home, only one window dimly lit up. There were others hanging outside at the mobile homes and at one of the other houses sitting around bonfires talking loudly as they drank beer and listened to music. Sean switched off the engine as Lamar unbuckled and slipped down.

“Look I appreciate the tire and pump…and dinner but…it’s enough. You can go home now, back to…” Lamar stammered, his voice trailing off at the end, the sentence unfinished.

“Look, I’m here till tomorrow afternoon, you want…”

“No. just leave. You should not be here. We’re just…white trash, remember?” Lamar said as he turned and walked to his home.

Sean started the Jeep and watched Lamar climb the steps and start to easily walk the 2 x 8. “Lamar; it’s not true you know” he called out loud enough for Lamar to hear him.

Standing at the midpoint Lamar looked back; “What isn’t true?”

“You’re not white trash.”

Lamar stood still for a moment, looked down for a brief moment then moved to the door going inside. The light inside stayed on only a moment longer then went out leaving the house dark, darker than any home Sean had ever seen. He put the Jeep in gear and circled around in the clearing at the center of the village and drove home.

Sean did as Lamar had asked and didn’t try to get in touch with him the next day, but that didn’t stop Sean from thinking about him, in fact he couldn’t stop thinking about him even when he was back on campus. For the next month he lay in bed each night wondering what Lamar was doing, how Lamar was fairing and eventually on how he would approach him the next time, scenarios played out one encounter after the next in his mind. It was only a few days getting back to campus the scenarios began to take on a sexual nature. A simple touch, a gesture, an embrace then a kiss. The intimacies of each scenario grew till they made Sean anxious, the overt nature of them. He began to fantasize about touches that became more, of Lamar undressing, removing those ill-fitting clothes. He could never bring the fantasizes to their conclusion, could never imagine Lamar naked and what he would look like. It was just Lamar undressing and he reaching out to touch him on the chest, the stomach then the desire to touch him lower, to be able to take Lamar in hand. But that image wouldn’t come. He knew it scared him, this sudden consideration of something so gay. He had never considered another guy sexually in his life but then he had never met someone like Lamar, someone he felt an obligation toward, some sense of duty. He had been one of Lamar’s tormentors in the past and it haunted him. It haunted him even more with the way it aroused him now when he thought of Lamar.

***

Now you know when Sean crossed the line, when this awakening occurred, even though it remained unfulfilled. But what of Lamar?

Obviously Lamar felt beat down, alienated by his classmates to the point he had long ago stopped trying to be civil to any of them. Surprisingly he felt annoyance toward his two classmates who were also from the village for they had given up, accepting their lot in life. They didn’t study, skipped class so often one had dropped out before graduation because they were going to fail. For Lamar he struggled with not fitting in socially with the majority and holding out hope to one day be able to do so. As he got older this wish seemed to get more and more removed from reality and after graduation it was apparent he was hopelessly trapped. But there had been moments when he had renewed hope, a hope he was afraid to reach for when it seemed too good to be true.

The last time was in science class and he had been forced to team up with Sean Murray, of all people. So rich compared to the others Sean had no idea how easy he had it. Always the latest fashions, the new clothes, all a perfect fit. And Sean had the latest toys, the best I-phone, watch and the latest video games, all of which he had no means of ever acquiring. He couldn’t even have new clothes that fit. When he had turned sixteen all he got for his birthday was a demand to find a part time job by his father. ‘You need to pull your weight around here’ was how it had been said, and he saw how ironic it was for his father had never done so. Then three days later Sean showed up with that Jeep all shiny and new. Oh how all the others had gathered around it gushing with praise. So it surprised him that of all of his classmates it would be Sean Murray that made a gesture toward friendliness. But Sean had been part of the clique that had taunted him the worse. The names they had called him were deplorable for he had made every effort to be none of those things. So it shocked him when they began to work together that Sean began to be friendly toward him, to make efforts to speak to him between classes and once even suggesting he come over to play video games. As much as he wanted to forget the past, to hang out with Sean, even go to his home and play video games it all felt too good to be true and worse was he had no clue how to play one of those video games and he could never admit to not understanding something that seemed so fundamental to the others. Therefore he rejected every gesture by Sean, every offer to hang out, instead he walked the woods around the village avoiding the sight of those around him that reminded him in vivid relief of his status in life.

When graduation arrived he felt as if he was the only virgin in the class, the only one who had never gone out with someone on a date. He had easily skipped the prom and every school dance and had never been to a movie over in Greenville. It made his resentment toward Sean grow even as Sean continued to be friendly toward him. It was why he considered his fantasies involving Sean as being influenced by graduation approaching. Fantasies of doing things together, of hanging out in town, of being at Sean’s house playing those video games. He saw them lying across Sean’s bed playing games, joking around, even wrestling playfully on the bed.

He became conflicted for he began to picture himself with Sean all the time, just the two of them, hanging out, doing everything together from going to movies to mundane tasks like going to the grocery store. Then he had images of them sleeping together. He had never considered himself gay or even bisexual so the idea of it frightened him, made him question how he could imagine such a scenario. It had to be envy, some sense of wanting the things Sean possessed. When Sean rose up in his fantasies while masturbating he fought it, struggled to suppress them. After a while he went with it figuring no one would ever know what he was thinking, especially when he so far out in the woods, alone, while he was masturbating. What did it matter if he saw himself kissing Sean, reaching out to touch him or fumbling with his jeans struggling to undo the button and pull down the zipper. It never went further. He never could picture Sean naked, what his erection would look like. Only his own was familiar.

Summer hammered home his reality when the only job he could find was the one at the convenience store, one he could get to on his bike. It was a life he could never settle into, would never consider routine. He hated it and himself. He rode his bike to the convenience store, worked his six to eight hour shifts then rode home, no matter the weather, how hard it could be raining at times. Summer became fall and he sensed the change in the area, the leaving by those going to college. He had tried to figure out a way for himself, a way to get a scholarship or some college loan but each required something from someone else, his parents or his teachers and he was too embarrassed, too afraid of the response he would get if he asked for their help. So he rode his old bike to work and back home as the leaves turned brown, the air drier, the skies clear blue in day and pitch black at night. Then one Saturday afternoon Sean nearly ran him down and for a moment, lying in the ditch tangled up in his bike, the smell of rubber in the air he wondered why he had jumped out of the way. Then he became angry. The injustice of it all, Sean in that new ride, some customized Jeep and he on his bicycle. Had Sean not been nice to him in the end only now to run him off the road. He knew it wasn’t on purpose, not the way Sean had slammed on the brakes and squealed to a stop, but it didn’t change the way he felt.

When he found himself in a restaurant over in Greenville, just the two of them, he let the moment fuel his fantasies, let them rise up anew. But when they arrived back at his home in the village the ridiculousness of them embarrassed him, made him angry with himself. Sean had said he wasn’t ‘white trash’ and he so desperately wanted to believe it but the physical existence spoke differently as he had walked across that board to get to the front door.

***

Sean found himself back on campus quickly back into the routine. Classes every morning and three days a week one in the afternoon, a couple of trips to the library, afternoons and evenings doing assignments and far too often hanging out with friends. And in any moment of idleness he thought of Lamar and when, finally once alone and all the normal distractions were gone, his mind drifted quickly back to Lamar in other ways. A worrying about how Lamar was doing, was he okay, then thinking about that Saturday afternoon together and finally playing out scenarios in his mind of how to make their paths cross again. A way to get Lamar to accept his friendship.

The weeks dragged by till Thanksgiving break finally arrived and Sean found himself back home once again. He knew Thursday was a day with the family so he schemed to find Lamar the next day. He woke late and came downstairs to find his mother in a panic and his father working on the ice maker in the freezer.

“What’s wrong?” Sean asked as he sat at the island.

“The ice maker stopped working last night” Mrs. Murray replied, “we will not have enough for dinner” she added.

“I can go get some at one of the convenience stores” Sean replied.

“Yes, we talked about that and I’m afraid that is our only option now. Get your shoes on and go get two or three bags” Mr. Murray said as he closed the freezer. ‘We’ll deal with this tomorrow.”

Sean drove toward Damascus but as he approached the intersection with Highway 31 he saw how this was his opportunity. He slowed then turned heading out to the old convenience store where he was sure Lamar would be working. There was only one old truck in the parking lot and as he pulled up to the front a guy came out carrying a brown bag. Inside he moved to the counter where he saw Lamar watching him approach.

“Hey.”

“Sean, what do you need?”

“Ice; three bags. How are you?”

“Working, although it is slow” Lamar replied as he rang up the ice. “Seven eighty-three” he added as he picked up the two fives on the counter.

“Keep the change; is it unlocked?”

“No, let me get the key.”

Sean followed Lamar out to the front sidewalk and watched him unlock the door and lift it open as he moved to the side.

“You working all weekend?”

“No. I’ll have my forty in tomorrow and the boss doesn’t want to pay overtime so I have Saturday off.”

“Really? You want to do something? Why don’t you come over for lunch and we can hang out, play…”

“I don’t think so” Lamar interrupted him.

“Oh come on Lamar, what else do you have to do?”

Lamar looked at him knowing Sean would not let it go and in reality he did want to go over to Sean’s house, hang out, do something everyone else considered normal.

“Your mom won’t mind?”

“What? Oh hell no, I’ll come pick you up around eleven.”

Sean saw the faint smile ever so briefly before Lamar suppressed it putting a stoic look back on his face and it made Sean feel success, that this could be the moment. The rest of the day dragged on and when Friday arrived he told his mother Lamar was coming over for lunch on Saturday and when she realized who he was referring she balked at first, questioned the wisdom of it but when he explained everything, how they had treated Lamar in school and how he was different from the others she smiled as she said okay.

Lamar arrived fifteen minutes early but soon after pulling up the front door opened and Lamar came out, crossed the porch carefully and climbed into the Jeep. He wore old khakis that were frayed at the hem and cinched at the waist with a belt in a manner that showed them to be too large. His shirt was short sleeved and the color faded. Overall even with his clothes worn and ill-fitting he still looked better than usual. Sean talked almost non-stop, his nervousness and anxiousness making him fill the time and Lamar just listened, too afraid to interrupt.

Lamar was in awe as Sean led him through the house. Mrs. Murray was in the kitchen, the smell of her cooking filled the air. The kitchen and family room were huge, larger than his entire home. Following Sean, they went into the main hall, up the stair and down the hall to a bedroom that was on the back of the house, a large room with its own bath. Lamar kept his hands tight to his sides afraid to touch anything, everything so nice, every corner filled with some piece of furniture.

Sean pulled out several video games and turned on the large flat screen that sat opposite of his bed. Lamar started to sit on the floor and he stopped him indicating the bed.

“Just sit on the bed; it’s more comfortable.”

“Sean…I really don’t know how to play” Lamar whispered, almost afraid to admit it.

Sean looked at the anxious expression and smiled, “Oh it’s okay, I’ll show you” he said in a casual tone.

It was after three and they had been playing different games since lunch when Mrs. Murray stuck her head in and told them Mr. Murray and she were going to Greenville and would be back late. Sean noticed Lamar seemed to finally relax during lunch when his mother and father had treated him like any of his other friends and since then he too did not feel anxious, could relax himself as he enjoyed their time together.  Lamar sat on the bed while he sat in his desk chair working their way through one game after the next till they came to the end of the round and he paused the game.

“I’m thirsty; you want something?”

“Sure, whatever you’re having.”

“Two cokes coming up.”

Sean came back in the room with two glasses and sat on the bed next to Lamar handing him one glass. They drank in silence till both glasses were empty and he took Lamar’s and set them on his desk. When he came back over picking up the controller he eased down on the bed next to Lamar. He wanted to be closer, wanted to have the sense of him. He looked at the lean frame in the loose clothes, the long arms and legs, the way his hair was neatly boxed across his neck even with the cheap cut. He wanted to get closer in so many ways, wanted to touch him, a desire that was so strong he couldn’t believe it. He shifted on the bed as they played closing the distance between them. He didn’t know what he expected, wasn’t sure he wanted anything more than to be just close to Lamar. But he sensed it, a change in Lamar, a stiffening of his body and a slight pulling away from him.

He’d gone too far and it felt like a rejection.

“Hey you want to do something else, I’m kind of tired of the gaming” Lamar said as he stood up and placed the controller on the desk. The move away brought the moment to an end, the closeness that had occurred. Sean rolled over on his back letting his head hang over the side looking at Lamar upside down. ‘Come stand close to me and let me smell your scent’ he thought, something he couldn’t believe crossed his mind.

“You want to go to a movie? There’s that action flick I’ve been wanting to see and it is finally playing over in Greenville.”

“Sean, you know I can’t afford something like that” Lamar replied acknowledging for the first time his poverty.

“Oh hell Lamar please do not worry about money with me. I can cover it and you know it. It doesn’t bother me to do it. Hell most of my friends in school expected me to pay for meals or movies all the time.”

“They did?”

“Yes; all the time” Sean replied then rolled off the bed and stood before Lamar. “We’re the same size.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Will it bother you if I give you some clothes I don’t wear any more. There’s nothing wrong with them, it’s just…well, mom doesn’t know when to stop and I’m constantly having to send clothes to one of those charities. I’d rather you have them.”

“I don’t know, I mean…”

“Oh come on Lamar, don’t worry about it. Look at this nonsense” Sean replied as he opened his closet door. The walk-in closet seemed to go forever, two rows of hanging clothes each side all the way down.

“Jesus” Lamar uttered.

“Here, see what you think of these” Sean said as he reached down and picked up a bag of clothes from the floor handing them to Lamar.

Lamar went into the bath to change clothes disappointing Sean when he pushed the door closed. Sean wanted to watch him, telling himself it was to see what fit, but he knew, deep down, he really wanted to see Lamar stripped down. This obsession was insane, these desires he felt toward Lamar. It was so gay he thought and realized he didn’t care if it was. But Lamar denied him the opportunity acting shy about changing clothes. Did Lamar suspect his ulterior motives, sense how he felt toward him? Was he going too far?

Lamar came out dressed in a pair of jeans and shirt, their fit much better and Lamar’s tall lean frame was evident in a manner that was attractive.

“Wow, those fit you perfectly” Sean exclaimed making Lamar smile. He knew he couldn’t push it any further so he grabbed up his keys and cell phone. “Come on, let’s ride.”

Sean knew it was a lost moment, if it even existed, and in a weird way it allowed him to relax and just enjoy the rest of their evening together. They grabbed food then went to the movie. It was crowded and they sat next to each other and for the next two hours there was the contact. Knees pressing together, arms lying next to each other touching along the forearm. They felt the other’s movements, every shift or change in position. When the movie ended they headed out and made their way to the Jeep.

“What time do you have to be at work in the morning?”

“Six.”

“Six? Oh shit, I shouldn’t have suggested…”

“It’s okay Sean. I’ve gone on a lot less sleep before and besides, this has been the best time ever.”

Sean just nodded afraid to say anything for fear it would come out wrong. They climbed up in the open Jeep and soon were heading back. They were only a few miles out when Sean turned down the music and leaned toward Lamar.

“How are getting to work? Your bicycle?”

“Yeah, you know it is my only means of transportation. Look don’t fret over it. It isn’t that long of a ride and it’ll be Sunday and no one on the road at that hour. You have to head back tomorrow I know.”

“Yeah, sometime after lunch, but I’ll be back in December for the holidays. Plan on getting together.”

“Okay” Lamar replied turning his head trying to keep Sean from seeing him smile.

The next day Sean packed up and headed out, but not before he stopped by the convenience store to say goodbye to Lamar and make sure he got to work okay. Then it was the long drive back to college.

***

The next three weeks dragged on for both Lamar and Sean, especially Sean. For Lamar it was something too good to be true. Something he was afraid to wish, the holiday’s quick arrival, for fear something would happen and everything would go back to the way it was before when he was just someone to bully, even by Sean.

Sean struggled to focus through exams and preparing reports due prior to the break. He found himself avoiding the others, turning down nights on the town or just pizza and video games in someone’s dorm room. He picked up his cell phone numerous times to text message Lamar only to remember Lamar did not have a cell phone. Something so simple to Sean suddenly seemed a big deal, something so basic as a cell phone allowing him to contact Lamar and he knew what gift to give Lamar.

Both were anxious, grew more and more restless as the Christmas holidays approached. The fantasies grew more vivid till they seemed real. Neither really considered their sexuality but when they thought of the other they knew it was different in its nature. Sean didn’t know what he wanted, didn’t understand the feelings that made him think of Lamar all the time. His fantasies changed, the scenarios played out in his mind took on a more sexual nature. He found himself in positions looking up to Lamar, submissive in its nature and it drove his arousal to uncomfortable levels.

***

Sean clung to the sheets till his knuckles turned white as he grunted between cries. He cried out from the initial pain then from the pleasure of it, begging Lamar to fuck him faster, to fuck him harder, pleading for Lamar to stir within him the satisfaction he felt. Lamar hovered over his back and thrust into him hard, a rhythm that was fast and brutal, their bodies smacking together making the bed squeak and shake.

It had happened so quickly, all the pent up desire, this need to be together, that as soon as Sean’s parents left to visit relatives they were in his room. There had been no holding back, not this time. They had touched each other, striped the other naked, sucked and touched till both were so aroused they couldn’t stand it. It was Lamar who grew the most aggressive, the one to take charge when he had pushed Sean down on the bed and climbed on top of him. He had kissed Sean from the base of the spine up to the back of the neck. He had pressed his lips to the hot skin, nipped at it, dragged his tongue over it till he was at Sean’s left ear. He had tugged on the lobe, tongue the curve of it then whispered how much he wanted to fuck; how much he wanted to feel his cock sink into Sean. Sean had slipped his hand between them and guided Lamar to his opening.

Now Lamar hovered over Sean holding himself up on hands and feet, his body undulating madly as he thrust deeply into Sean. He was heated up till his vision grew blurry from sweat and dripped on the prone body below him. He piston cock into Sean till he was fatigued and he eased down on top of the sweaty body beneath him and ground his cock deep inside of it. He worked his cock through the slick remnants of his first load where it made their fuck slick. He had not gone soft, hadn’t even pulled out instead he had kept fucking, thrusting deeply into Sean who begged him not to stop. The initial tightness was gone but Sean’s opening continued to milk his shaft as he worked it inward and out. He sensed every inch he pushed into Sean, the way it felt inside that hot slick hole. He grew restless, renewed in strength, urged on by Sean.

“Fuck me Lamar…fuck me” Sean pleaded, his voice trailing off as he undulated beneath Lamar, working his ass up taking every inch.

Lamar rose up once again and increased his pace, slamming inward roughly till Sean was crying out, loudly, obscenely, the room echoing with their fuck. Lamar had never felt anything so good, no natural, as he piston cock inside of Sean. He had only masturbated before, shameful of the lonely aspect of it but now he felt this connection, this bonding between two men, the sexual nature of it. His long lean body undulated with his fuck, driving inward hard till the room echoed with the smack of his abdomen against Sean’s ass. He felt the surge of release, his second, as his body became tensed up tight, every muscle bulging against his skin as he hammered his cock inside of Sean. He grew ragged in his thrusts as he felt his cock grow thicker, more sensitive, until he couldn’t hold back, no longer in control and he shoved inward once again filling Sean with his load.

Lamar slowed his pace pumping slowly till he was spent, his cock too sensitive to continue and he slipped from the Sean’s hole. His cock glistened wetly in the dim light and he saw the trickle of cum escape from Sean, the white rivulet falling down toward the sheet. He felt in that moment the immediate relief of release, the satisfaction of it, but he was still aroused, drawn to Sean, this person who gave themselves to him. His cock was still standing up hard showing his continued arousal.

“Roll over” Lamar said to Sean. Sean flipped over and Lamar saw how he was still hard, cock thick and long, the head flared out and dark red, wet and glistening. Glancing where Sean had lain he saw the large wet spot, the spot where Sean had came. It pleased him to know Sean was as aroused as he was, cock still hard, and he reached out and slid his hand up and down the slick shaft feeling Sean quiver within his grasp. Moving between Sean’s legs he slipped his hands beneath behind each knee and Sean lay back, raised his legs up once again giving himself to Lamar. Lamar held each leg behind the knee and folded Sean over, pushed each leg down till they pressed down against the slick sweaty chest and Sean’s ass rose up, opened up for his fuck. Lamar moved over Sean and with ease slipped back into him, drove his hips forward burying cock all the way inside of Sean making him cry out. He felt the pressure of each leg against his chest, felt the way Sean tried to move with him, the little push upward with every thrust inward sinking inward all the way, every inch till their bodies slammed together. Lamar didn’t think, couldn’t consider how long it would take him to find that release this time, as he moved in a steady rhythm, his body glistening with the heat of his exertions. Only the feel of Sean beneath him, the heat of their contact, the feel of his penetration, the way he easily sank inside Sean over and over and over occupied his mind. Every slick thrust, the push inward till he smacked against Sean elicited a grunt, primitive in tone, base in its instincts as Sean took him. The piston movement of cock inside Sean’s slick hole was in rhythm with the squeak of the bed. He felt Sean’s hands move slickly over his sides around to his back and down to his undulating ass, the fingers digging into the firm flesh.

“Oh…fuck…me” Sean urged as Lamar kept fucking. They had all day since Sean’s parents left. Naked, bodies interlocked in each fuck, Sean beneath Lamar, submissive to another for the first time.

They fucked, and fucked.

Lamar felt the exertion of it, the heat of it, the way every muscle ached as his cock grew more sensitive, the flared head feeling raw, every thrust inward sending shivers up his spine. He rose up, suddenly eager for release, his cock aching in its hardness, and increased his pace, drove his body to the limits of its strength as he moved on top of Sean. He moved up onto his knees holding tightly to Sean’s legs keeping them pinned to his chest as he maintained the rhythm of his fuck. He reached down and took Sean in hand, felt the way the hard shaft filled his hand, the way it moved slickly through his fingers. Sean bucked and thrashed below him, hips rocking roughly as he drove into Sean’s hole roughly feeling the quivering of Sean’s entire body. Sean cried out and shook roughly from the hips and he felt the cock flex in his hand, felt the way it did so in rhythm with each ejaculation. And he felt the way Sean’s ass spasm around his own cock.

“I’m going to…” Lamar uttered through clinched teeth unable to finish as he shoved into Sean sinking all the way in. He pushed till their bodies pressed together tightly feeling the cum surge through his cock and ejaculate into the tremulous body.

Then it was over, both exhausted to the point of being catatonic. Two bodies slowing cooling, skin drying in the cool conditioned air as they slept intertwined on the pulled apart bed. They slept soundly for a long time, the sunlight that came into the room moved over the walls. Sean stirred first, stretching arms and legs out then relaxing next to Lamar. He watched Lamar sleep, in calm repose, nothing like earlier. He rolled up on one elbow and watched him up close, the shape of his high cheek bones, the long lashes of each eye lid, the curve of the ear and the faint line of beard growth along the jawline. He ran his finger lightly along Lamar’s jaw and over the slim lips feeling their softness. Lamar stirred, shifted position then opened his eyes to see Sean smiling down on him.

“Hey.”

“Hey’ Sean replied back as he let his hand move down to Lamar’s chest rubbing over the smooth skin slowly, gently. He leaned down and kissed Lamar in the middle of the chest then over to the right nipple, tonguing it lightly, swirling his tongue around its circular shape. He tasted the salt on Lamar’s skin, the residue of their exertions. He let his hand move downward feeling the smooth flat stomach suck in with the light touch of his fingertips.

“That tickles” said Lamar.

Sean smiled then moved down kissing Lamar, lips pressed firmly together as he let his hand move down further, fingers combing through the fan of pubic hair then over the flaccid cock. He fondled it, let his fingers moved along its length. Lamar kissed him back with greater urgency. He moved down the length of the growing shaft till he felt the loose sac and he encircled it with his index finger and thumb so he could tug on it, feel the nuts pull tightly to the bottom of the sac. Lamar moaned into his mouth and pushed upward with his hips. ‘Like me, he likes it’ Sean thought as he let his hand move back to the growing shaft.

“Will you do me again?” Sean asked as he pulled Lamar to move over him. He spread his legs and hugged Lamar to his body. “Put it in me” he asked, his voice pleading, almost desperate in tone. He felt the hardness slide up his thigh, felt it push against his sac then slip below. He closed his eyes as he felt the hardness penetrate him again, felt it sink into his depths. Lamar began to fuck, slowly, the fuck of someone who had all the time in the world. Sean lay back and let Lamar set their pace, the gentle slow rhythm. He didn’t care how long it took. It would be hours before his parents returned.