His body froze, as he heard the question, at how William refused to look at him as he had asked it. For some odd reason, he didn't know how to answer. In the past, when someone would ask, he never hesitated a second, and he always had a quip ready. Normally if the guy was cute or hot, he'd bat his eyes, and put on a real fake girlish voice, as he would clearly answer yes, usually asking the questioner if he wanted a date.
That usually got the freaks out of the way, and it did get him a few interesting dates too, but this was different. It stated a fact, as if somehow William knew which was bizarre. They had just met, how the fuck could he know? It wasn't like he swished when he walked, wasn't like he talked in a high voice even, and there was no way he could know that the hard on in his pants was from a guy or a girl.
Still, he didn't know what to say, as he tried to calm himself. He was in a locked building, no real escape if it came down to a fight. This was home turf for William, not him, and he felt trapped, yet the danger didn't seem to be so much physical, as it just felt, there. All thought of the twins suddenly vanished, as he tried to think of what to say, or how to get the fuck out of William's reach.
Looking up, he didn't see anger, or even hate in the young man's face, but it was drawn, almost haggard looking now. There was no sparkle in his eyes, that seemed to keep looking down into the coffee cup, but would glance quickly up at him, then back down. In some ways it looked like he was more upset or worried, than Daniel was feeling.
'Let's just say I was curious'
'Curious? Or looking to be saved?'
'Saved? From what?'
'Can't be saved from being what you were created to be, despite what some might say'
'Then why? Why were you there?'
'Does it matter?'
'It does, to me.'
For the moment, the fear was gone. He stared at William, watching his jaw work, the way it seemed to move, as if chewing something, yet there was nothing to chew. Sort of like he was thinking with his mouth, and the eyes. They had looked so alive when they had first met, now they seemed old, almost lifeless really. It was like William had aged a decade in the few short minutes of their talk.
His skin seemed pale, his cheeks were sucked inwards, and his whole body suddenly seemed smaller, as if he had shrunk a bit. It gave him a bit of a chill, as he leaned back a bit, wondering what was going on here. Why had William brought him here, and how the hell had he known he was Gay?
'I don't know, I uh, it just does.'
As he said it, he looked up at Daniel. There were tears at the corner of his eyes, which freaked him out a bit. It was all so strange, so bizarre that he really didn't know what to do, or say. How could he just say it was because of a dare, and what was this all about? Why did William care? Was he going to out him back there, or was it some mission to maybe try and save him?
Then even as he thought that, he knew it wasn't true. There was something else going on, as he relaxed a little, no longer worried that this was some set up. He felt safe, maybe for the first time since he started this whole charade.
'It was on a dare, some of my friends like to uh, well you know, see how far I'll go.'
'A dare? I don't, I mean what kind of a dare is that? To see if you'd be recognized or to cause a fuss? To mock GOD?'
'Huh? No, nothing like that, I mean, I believe in GOD, just uh, just not the way you all do. I guess it was stupid, but it was just, well, I guess to see what the fuss is all about, to get it first hand, or I don't know, I really don't. I just do things like that, there really isn't a good answer.'
Now it was his turn to keep his head lowered. For the love of Mike, he didn't know why it mattered, but somehow he felt like he needed William to understand. There was just something about him, that made him want his acceptance, to want him to understand. Strange, he never felt this way before. Oh he had liked guys for more than just the sex, but never on this kind of level. It was almost as if there was something happening beyond his control, beyond either of their control.
Glancing up, he felt that William was as confused as him. Why should it matter, to either of them, and as he watched how his thin fingers held the coffee mug, how they made it spin in his hand, he recognized his own nervous traits. How he would bite his lower lip when unsure of something, or how his palms would sweat when he felt on shaky ground. Just like now, as he wiped his hands on his pants.
'Being with another guy is supposed to be a sin'
'So they say'
'You don't believe it?'
It was beginning to make sense to him, now, as he stared at William. He could see the look, and at last he recognized it. It was the same hungry look he had, when he had looked at the twins, at how he looked at someone he wanted badly.
William got up from the stool and began to walk around. He kept glancing back, as if trying to decide if he could trust Daniel or not. It was odd, and yet he felt at ease, no longer feeling frightened, nor did he feel amused either. He had been lucky, his parents, while religious, had never judged him, had never denied him or condemned him for being what their Preacher said was a sin, was evil.
Other's weren't so lucky, and he realized William was perhaps one of those unlucky many.
'I don't know, I wish I did, but I can't deny, I mean, everything I have been told, it just, it just doesn't fit with how I feel, inside. I have no idea if it is a test, if its, I mean I know how I feel, how the thought of it, makes me feel.'
'Me? No, no I never uh, had the nerve. I have had sex, I am not a virgin, but that was, I don't know, a mistake? Least it feels like it was.'
How could he answer him? Daniel felt uncomfortable, and yet there was something about William, at how he looked at him, that made him think. The last thing he wanted in his life was drama, was attachments. He avoided them like the plague, and yet here he was, trying to figure out how to explain being Gay to someone that obviously wanted him, obviously was curious, was unsure. To do him, which he knew he could easily accomplish, would only wind up complicating his own life. Not what he wanted, plus there was the problem of afterwards.
One thing to have a one night fling with some stud at the bar, another thing entirely with someone like William. It was clear, at least now, that William was Gay, trapped in a religious circle that was slowly killing him. He could see the real pain in his face, the real conflicts that were tearing him apart inside.
'Why me? What is it you want from me?'
'I don't know, I guess when I first saw you, there was something that clicked inside, I don't know, maybe because you are a stranger, because you aren't part of them, I don't know.'
'How do you know that I am not part of them, as you put it?'
Daniel saw William stiffen, as his eyes stared at him in a sort of wide eyed glance. He could smell his fear, sense it even, as he smiled back at him, trying to reassure him. It was weird, because he really felt like he liked William, not just for his looks either.
'I don't, I guess, it is just I don't know, I just know.'
'Well I'll say one thing for you, you have better gaydar than I do.'
'yeah, it's a sense, of knowing when another is, well you know, like minded.'
'Oh, you didn't sense that when you saw me?'
'Well, I was a bit nervous, and besides, it was uh, not exactly turned on, I did uh, get some vibes, but like I said, I was a bit, uh, nervous.'
It seemed to satisfy him, as he stopped pacing, and leaned back against the grill. His face was a bit flushed, and the tears were no longer welling up. It was as if he had gotten hold of himself, now that the worst was over. He had admitted to being who he was, which always was supposed to be the biggest problem. Least that is what the experts kept saying, but did they even understand how traumatic it was?
Shit, he could still remember how he had felt in telling his parents, and that was knowing that they basically knew already. It had taken him weeks to get the nerve up, and here was this guy, telling him, a perfect stranger in just a few hours after meeting. In some ways it made him feel good, that he could give off an aura of trust, but it also freaked him out a bit too. This was serious shit, not what he had shown up for.
William seemed lost in thought, but then he stood up and picked up the empty cups and took them to the sink. He was running the water, cleaning them when he spoke, without looking up, it only made Daniel shiver.
'What is it like?'
He knew what William had meant, but he didn't know quite how to answer him. How do you describe the feelings inside, the pain that isn't pain, the pleasure that is so intense, it hurts? Or was he trying to ask something else, that he wasn't so sure he wanted to answer?
'I suppose, I don't know, I mean, what is it like, to be with another guy, how it is different, I guess.'
He sat down in a chair from one of the tables, and looked at William. He still hadn't turned around to look at Daniel, and judging by how his shoulders were set, how his body was looking so stiff, Daniel could tell William was on edge, frightened. There was no easy answer, nor was he sure he even knew the answers.
'This is kind of awkward man, I mean I don't know you and.. well,'
'Please, I know it has to be strange, I do, it is just, I need to know, please?'
The voice was so soft, so pleading that he felt his heart skip a beat in sympathy. He was getting in way over his head, but he couldn't just walk out, just leave him hanging like that. It wasn't right, and besides, if he did, he'd be maybe missing a chance to help someone. He had always been taught to care, to try and be a decent person to others. How could he belittle those who hated him for being Gay, if he couldn't help one of his own?
'What is it you want to know? I mean, it isn't something easy to just, talk about. Sex is, well rather personal, and for some, well, I guess uncomfortable to hear about.'
'You afraid I'll be grossed out?'
'Could be, or, I don't know, I never really, I just, damn, I don't know what it is you want me to explain?'
'What it feels like, how it, I don't know, what you think of, when you uh, when do it, I uh..'
'You ever looked at a guy, in the locker room or such?'
Daniel looked at William closer, as the word was so softly spoken, he had to strain to hear it. He could feel the other's shame, as if by looking he had violated some secret trust.
'Well how did it make you feel?'
'Scared, nervous, I don't know, it was like I wanted to look, but soon as I did, I felt like everyone would know, so..'
'So you looked away, yeah I know that one.'
William seemed so surprised, yet he shouldn't be. Daniel doubted if any kid who snuck a peek at another didn't feel scared, or even ashamed at looking. If they were gay, they really would feel scared, afraid that they would be caught, afraid of being beaten up or worse. It was how he had felt, and he was fairly certain that it was how William had felt too.
Hell even those who weren't gay, would be afraid. They'd worry they might be, or that their friends would think they were. That maybe had to be worse, to be called out as being a fag, when you weren't. Not much you could do either, because they caught you looking.
'Sure, when I was a kid, in High School, heck before then I think. Uh, look, it feels weird sitting here, is there a back room, we can talk without people staring in'
'There is the office'
'Okay, let's talk there, I get uncomfortable when people can stare in, sort of like being in some spotlight.'
The little back room that was the office was cramped. He could smell William, smell his scent but also his fear. It was strange, when he entered the coffee shop, it had been him that was scared, now it was William. He felt sad, as if this whole affair shouldn't be happening. He also got a bit angry, realizing that if people would just accept others, for who they were, instead of trying to push their shit on them, he wouldn't have to have talks like this, with guys like William.
It wasn't a road he wanted to go down, he wanted to just enjoy his life, to have his fun. Yet here he was, trying to figure out how to explain how he felt, when he was a guy. This started out as a lark, now it was way too serious. Still he couldn't leave it, he had to try and explain it.
'Uh, you ever showed yourself to another guy?'
'Huh? What do you mean?'
'You know, like in a change room, and you turn around naked, to face another guy?'
'NO, Never, I couldn't do that.. I would be..'
'Embarrassed cuz you had a hard on? Like you do now?'
William lowered his head, and just nodded. He held his hands over his crotch as well, which only seemed to make it worse. Daniel felt sorry for him, as he tried to gather his own thoughts.
'Show me, go on, we are alone, I won't hit you, I am gay, remember, so come on show me'
'You mean? I uh.. I don't know if..'
'You want to know what it is like, to be with a man, well, here's your chance.'
'I didn't want to have sex, I uh..'
'Not talking about sex, look William, you want to know how it feels, to be with a man, part of that is to be naked, to be seen. Trust me, you'll know a lot more, if you just.. show me.'
William kept looking up, then down, fighting with himself, or so it seemed to Daniel. He waited, not moving, not trying to add to the fear that William had to be feeling. It was strange, but he could feel his own dick stirring, feel his own excitement growing, which didn't feel wrong. It was odd, but it felt different than other times. The feeling was far more intense than usual.
He finally looked up at Daniel. His eyes were moist, his lower lip was trembling as he said he couldn't, he just couldn't do it.
Daniel felt his pain, saw it and instead of saying another word, he just stood up. He was standing right in front of the seated man, as he reached down, and undid the button to his pants. His hand felt like it was shaking, but as he looked down at it, he didn't see it shake a bit, as he let the zipper down.
Slowly he let his pants open, then bending over a little, he pushed them down towards his ankles, then stood back up. He could feel, see the way William was staring at him, the way his eyes were devouring the vision in front of them. Daniel knew that look, but he wasn't trying to put on a show, he wanted William to feel it, to know what it was like to be with his own kind.
He reached up and pushed his boxer shorts down. The gasping sound was like music. Daniel let his cock free, felt the air around it, knowing he was fully erect. He could feel the eyes staring, as he looked at William, as he saw him lick his lower lip, then glance up towards Daniel.
'What do you feel William? Does it excite you a bit?'
'Feel like your own dick is getting harder?'
'Yes, I uh, I feel hot, like I am in a steam bath'
'Is it how you felt when you were with a girl?'
William's mouth curled a bit, and his brow seemed to grow a few extra wrinkles, as he thought about it, almost as if he was trying to remember the details, the emotions of that earlier time.
'No, no nothing like then, it is strange, I feel, I mean, I just seem to feel so warm, so, so scared, yet not really.'
Daniel leaned back against the old wooden desk that was in the office. He stared down at William who was still looking up at him. There was no mistaking the hungry look in his eyes, nor was there any mistaking the hard lump showing in the young man's pants. The hands had fallen to the side, no longer covering his crotch.
'Do you like what you are seeing?'
'Do you want to touch it?'
William looked down at Daniel's cock, then back up to stare into his face. His face was like a changing road map, as his emotions were swirling around, as he tried to reason, to make sense of what he was feeling. Daniel waited, feeling rather aroused himself. It was different, nothing like when he had first stripped for the twins, or them for him. This felt odd but yet, better, in its own way.