I stopped typing.
I frown as I reread what I'd written not seconds ago. What?
Sighing I slump back into my chair. Reading and rereading the last passage typed onto my screen.
Why did I write that? Why did my character just do what he did? I mean what the hell was he thinking?
I turn to stare out of the window next to my bureau, completely lost in thought until a wet nose nudges my thigh. I look down to Rufus giving me his soulful puppy eyed look, conveying to me his longing to go out. You're right Rufus, a walk would do me good and clear my head, I also need to stop at the shops for some human food.
"Want to go outside?" Rufus's ears perk up at the magic word. Impatiently he taps his paws like an excited child. He's at the door before me whirling in circles and slobbering my ear as I try to slip on my shoes. I've had him since he was eight weeks old, he's the gentlest of dogs and trained well but personal space isn't something I've been able to instill in him. It's my own fault, I had read that dogs aren't natural huggers so I wanted to get him used to my clingy nature, so i hugged him every chance I got. It worked a little too well to be honest.
All during our walk my head remains with my writings. Why did Jacob do that? Why? Sometimes I can get so confused by what I write. Before I know it my own fingers derail my carefully thought out plan.
Just like now it was on the page before I'd even thought it. Staring back at me defying me to come back to my senses and change it. Of course I couldn't change it I never do, once it's on the page I can't erase it again. Change it maybe but the idea has to stay in there.
But why did Jacob set his house on fire?
Outside the shop I tie Rufus at the 'I wait for my master here' pole.
"Stay." I command him kissing his muzzle and head inside to buy my necessities. I glance behind and see him watching me sitting his hind down. He'll watch the door until I enter through it again, ever vigilant my Rufus.
Why did Jacobs house burn down? I muse while absentmindedly filling a bag with onions. Pizza that's what I'll be making tonight, so I'll be needing...
Insurance? No that's too obvious a motive. An accident?
I bag the pepers I selected and weigh them, moving to the tomato's
A suicide attempt? Why try to commit suicide? What happened to him to make him do that and why by means of fire? Seems such an awful way to go, first succumb to smoke inhalation and then get burned alive...
I rotate a very plum tomato in my hand contemplating what it would be like. I shudder at the thought and narrowly dodge bumping into another customer as I abruptly turn to resume my shopping. "oh excuse me."
I hear a vague 'no problem' behind me but I'm already searching for the deli aisle.
What if he tried to commit suicide and the fire was an accident? A candle that had been left burning and the cat knocked it over... Damn where did that cat come from? ... No, it's ok the firemen will have rescued it.
Oh firemen! .... A particular fireman... Have I ever had a fireman in one of my stories? I don't think so.... I smile happy with this new little development. Possibilities whirl in front of my eyes as I select my butter; salted or non-salted?
A hunky fireman... Hmm... well does he have to be hunky? I myself love blonds but not everyone shares that preference and I haven't actually ever been with a blond. It's just always been my type. How seldom do we get to be with our 'type' anyway?
So fireman saves man from burning house... A little cliché maybe but then again I've never been very original. Everyone thinks his injuries are from the fire and nobody suspects he tried to kill himself.... Except his cousin.
Damn I did it again. I frown at the cheese in my hands. I just added a cousin now I have to weave him in the story... how though?
"You angry at that poor piece of cheese?" Asks a voice beside me and I'm rattled into the land of the conscious again. I must have unintentionally stood glaring at the item in my hand. Embarrassed I mumble a 'Er... no.' and turn away toward the aisle of cleaning products, which aren't on my list all today.
Chastising myself for my momentary mortification, I feel the rush of adrenaline I hate so much that always accompanies such moments and makes me feel a lot more of a dork than I am. Though I know that's probably wishful thinking on my part.
I am very much a dork and I'm well aware of it.
Does our fireman feel a connection when he saves Jacob? Is he compelled to visit him in hospital?
No. I shake my head walking through the milk aisle. Lets leave divine intervention out of this story not very realistic anyway and make our fireman only remember Jacob cause he seemed to cling to him even in his unconscious state whilst getting carried out of the burning house.
Like a reflex. Yeah, I like that like a reflex. Even sounds believable in away. Pleased with that I set of in search for coffee.
Now how do they meet? He doesn't go to the hospital so how do they meet? Maybe he does go to the hospital but not for Jacob for... a medical reason, to visit someone, for work?
Butter, milk, coffee, pizza dough...
A standard check up. A work related check up yeah and even his captain is with him cause otherwise he finds excuses not to go. Now for a name ...
I'm standing in front of the aisle with the toilet roll and am searching for a basic pack. Basic pack... basic.. Bas. Hmm good sound. Which names have bas is it? Sebastian or Bastian... oh Bastien, pronounced à la Français. French roots... has a French accent.
Bastien Morin, good name.
Strapping firefighter with a French accent, I think I can work with that. Now I definitely need to get one of those firemen charity calendars... you know for research. Ha!
Ice-cream, I need ice-cream. Good full chocolate ice-cream with a nice fruity sorbet to balance it. Sometimes I do like to treat myself. Raspberry, just sound of it is already making my mouth water.
Strapping but not too handsome or cute but attractive in a rugged kind of way. My mind works like an Etch A Sketch as I'm imagining what Bastien would look like.
Not the bulky muscle type but very strong... black hair and ... I look at myself through the flection of the freezer window. Pale watery blue eyes just like mine.
Ok looks down now for personality.
He's gruff. Yeah, gruff why not? Not easy to trust someone or let them in but very loyal. I think I like this Bastien already...
"I'm sorry but can I just..." a voice penetrates my trance once again. An arm is trying to grab something from the freezer while I've been daydreaming holding on to the freezer door handle.
"Oh, my bad I'm sorry. My head's in the clouds."
"So I've noticed." I glance sideways I briefly take in the features of a good-looking guy standing next to me. I'm immediately flustered as I always am in a situation like this, handsome me do this to me.
"Sorry." I scurry away like a frightened little mouse. By this time I'm not really thinking about completing my shopping and head straight for the cahiers. A few minutes later I'm walking out of entrance doors to Rufus. He perks up instantly and welcomes me back with an excitedly wagging tail.
"Hey Rufus!" I smile nearing him.
"Yes?" the guy from before exits the shop right behind me. I turn to him confused; I didn't call out to him, choosing to ignore this I stoop down next to Rufus untying this leash.
"Oh." I hear and am aware the guy is walking away. I kiss Rufus's muzzle again for good measure. He doesn't smell like a dog, well not to me. He smells warm and comfortable and his coat shines, silky soft to the touch.
On our way home my thought drive once more... Why did Jacob attempt suicide?
Later that night I'm laying in bed after abandoning a book that after 100 pages still had me frowning. I mean after a 100 pages I should at least get to know what the book is about. It wasn't even engaging or thrilling just words filling page after page...
Hemmingway all over again. I'd gotten into a 'lets read all the literary classics' mode a few years ago and lent the old man and the sea from a friend of mine. I've never been so bored in my life, I actually skipped a hundred pages or more and it made no difference to the story. The only thing I could admire is that he managed to write so many pages of it. I'm not a big bullshitter but I can admire someone who can bullshit their way in the 'Literachore'. In my opinion it would have been better as a short story.
I sigh deeply; my mind is always all over the place. It never stops not even when I want it to. I roll over and try to sleep. I try to empty my mind of thoughts and slip away into dreamland...
But why did Jacob attempt suicide? Did he lose a loved one? Do people keep leaving him? What kind of disappear would on have to go through to even contemplate suicide...
During the following week I work at the library like I do every day. It's my job and I like the work, I like the books and the quiet time it allows my head to spin around in thought all day long. Once at home my music is full blast and I dance around the rooms with Rufus. Just like everyone else I too feel the need to get my blood pumping and my heart racing sometimes. Rufus freaks every time we do this. It's hilarious
During an unusually quiet moment one afternoon I get stationed at the reception desk. I've been researching testimonials from suicide attempt survivors to try and figure out what could have made Jacob try it.
"... ello? Hello?" I'm shaking out of my research by a guy trying to hand me several books to check out. He looks vaguely familiar and I scan his books not particularly paying attention to the titles.
I see his name flash on the computer screen: Rufus A. Dubois.
Oh, just like my Rufus. When I chose his name I had a little celeb crush on Rufus Sewell and was in love with Rufus Wainwrights music. Interest peeked I look up at the guy patiently waiting from me to finish processing his books.
I smile at him and he looks familiar in a way. I receive a megawatts smile for my trouble and a small flutter in my stomach. Shit.
I finish processing his books without looking up again in fear of doing something that would only embarrass me like I'm so very prone to. He leaves the library and I follow him out with my eyes. He looks good, good body nice easy walk. Just before he vanishes through the door he graces me with a last glance and catches my stare.
I flush and quickly look down again. Damnit it Daniel! I chastise myself feeling the adrenaline surge again, man I hate it when that happens.
Saturday morning I wake up relaxed, while brushing my teeth I stare at my reflection.... A MURDER! I spit and rinse, I am completely enthralled by the idea.
Jacobs partner/lover/husband was a murder victim. Murdered for no reason at all just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The details of the event doesn't matter I can fill out the story once I've created it's backbone.
Rufus is already jumping about and I take him out for a quickie toilet break before I even get to my breakfast. Once back into the kitchen I'm crushed by the absence of coffee in the house. I drink the stuff like a boss, liters at a time. Not fantastic for my health but we all have our vice's.
I look down at Rufus beside me. "Go out for breakfast?" he perks up immediately. I take him with me everywhere I can and I know he's allowed inside the coffee shop I have in mind to go to.
A few hours later I'm still at my table at Mikey's Cuppa. Sipping my umpteenth coffee and Rufus sleeping at my feet as usual. Several people have stopped to pet him and he loves the attention. Mostly I'm staring out of the window with my notebook open in front of me.
I've figured out so far that Bastien knows Jacobs cousin and bumps into him on his forced check up at the hospital. The same hospital Jacobs is recovering and his cousin knows what he attempted and kind of breaks down with Bastien. On a whim Bastien accompanies the cousin (Bill? Bob? Brian? ... Cas?) to Jacobs room...
Then there is a spark although Bastien at first doesn't want to get close... But neither does Jacob for different reasons and that urges Bastien on even more...
"Hi." I instinctively look up at the greeting seeing Rufus Dubois standing by my table. I suddenly know why he looked vaguely familiar before, he was the guy I kept bumping into at the shops more than a week ago.
"Oh, hi." I gulp.
"You mind if I join?" he indicates the empty chair opposite me.
"No, sure. Go ahead." I nod to my own amazement and we sink into an easy and dare I say flirty conversation. Time flies in moments like this and it's about an hour later when he dropped a bombshell on me.
"Can I take you to dinner tonight?"
I'm stunned. I notice he's absentmindedly scratching behind Rufus's ears and I'm surprised by his straightforwardness. I've never been flat out asked out before like this though my answer is said before I've even thought it.
The following weeks my story progresses at a much slower rate. I have two Rufuses now to distract me, not that I mind. I've started calling my dog Ruffy just to avoid confusion cause trust me it was getting confusing, though very cute when they both turned their heads when I called out to one of them. Both keep my hands filled but Jacob and Bastien are never far from my mind.
Bastien tries to get closer but Jacob is reluctant though he wants to more than anything. Bastien is a firefighter and that's a dangerous job... sometimes lethal even.
It's a Friday night. I've been behind my computer from the second I came home. Just typing away letting the words flow, completely engrossed. I'd thought of a good set up for a spicy scene at work today. My heartbeat quickened and my trousers impossibly tight just writing it out.
A pair of warm hands slip down my chest and Rufus nuzzles my neck from behind. "Hey baby, can I get you anything?"
I've noticed this is one of the first cues that leads up to him wanting my undivided attention. How can anyone ignore their lover just wanting a piece of them? I sure as hell can't specially not in the state I was after writing what I had been..
"Sorry. I can get a little wrapped up in my stories."
"I know, just don't forget you're living your own." He murmurs slipping his hands under my shirt. I chuckle and quickly grapple him to the floor. Ruffy thinks we're playing so he's right on top of us in a second and as we try wrestle him away it hits me.
The final scene for my Jacob and Bastien story.
Bastien as an old man at the cemetery kneeling by Jacobs headstone saying, "You always worried I'd leave you first, now you're the one that's left me..."A beautiful bittersweet moment it's a perfect ending for the story.
"Baby?" Rufus is tugging me to the bedroom.
Creating a story can sometime be a long process. I like to treat it as a puzzle and create all the corners first. Later lining up the edges making a framework and then filling it all out. I've got Jacob's and Bastien's framework set, most of the filling done, only thing left is to fill in the blanks.
Yet first of all I need follow Rufus and create a little spicy scene of our own, you know for research...