ManCunt Memoirs

The First Day

Arriving at our all-inclusive resort, we are beginning the vacation of a lifetime, and a milestone for us. My wife and I are vacationing alone for the first time since we were married 14 years ago, so as I hop out of the slightly aging transfer minibus, it's with a huge smile. The drive over, it was clear to see that Barbados is not rich, but it is very beautiful and looking up at the main resort building – four floors, not a huge monster of a hotel but something more subtle and refined – my reservations about having such a lavish trip fade.

"Ugh! Give me a hand, Frank," Lorna snaps impatiently, even as I turn to assist her, knowing she will need some help. We had to sit in the back row and maneuvering herself out of the vehicle was not an easy task. "If they want to get me back in that death-trap for the ride back to the airport, they'll need to install some air conditioning at least," she continues to grumble as she finally disembarks, landing with a heavy grunt and the minivan creaking audibly as it rocks backwards.

We make our way towards reception, Lorna continuing to mumble her displeasure at this and that. I make the appropriate noises at the right times, my brain long ago having learnt to filter it out. Having been at the back of the bus, the other guests that arrived with us naturally are quicker and once again Lorna has something to say about that, although I could also point out that her weight would have meant that even with a head start, even the old couple would have made it to reception quicker. I would never say such a thing, of course; my life wouldn't be worth living if I did, but I smile to myself as I imagine Lorna's reaction to such a blunt truth. We have just arrived behind the guy that I spoke to briefly on entering the minibus who seems to be traveling alone. He turns just as the smile spreads across my lips and he returns the smile for a moment, his eyes seeming to search mine, for what seems an uncomfortably long time.

"Hey there, I didn't introduce myself before. I'm Evan, from Trenton, New Jersey." He offers his hand and Lorna takes it, smiling sweetly, although I know that there are instantly a hundred reasons, New Jersey not least of them, why she won't like him. Evan looks bemused as I laugh and take his offered hand.

"Well, Evan, I'm Frank and this is my wife Lorna, and we're from Wyoming; a little place called Evanston," I say, revealing the source of my amusement. Evan gives a hearty laugh as he continues to shake my hand vigorously.

"Well, shit!" I cringe inwardly as Evan speaks, knowing that Lorna's list of reasons not to like him just got a major new number one: cursing. Until a few years ago, that kind of thing wouldn't have fazed her. "That seems to be a good omen if I ever I saw one. Listen, would you two like to join me for a drink in a short while, once we're all settled in? I'm not usually so intruding, but as you can see, I am traveling by myself and you seem like nice people."

Lorna could not have been more charming as she accepts and we continued to chat, although I have no doubt that as soon as we get upstairs, I'll never hear the end of it, as well as how it was likely all my fault. An hour from now, we'd be sharing drinks with Evan and I was dismayed that Lorna would be so false and that she would find some reason to brush him off for the rest of the holiday, as he seems like a really nice guy. He even offers to let us go ahead to check in as the reception desk frees up, Lorna immediately accepting, which I think is a little rude of her.

We step up to the reception desk and a large black man greets us with a dazzling smile. He's very large and very black, not only well over six feet tall, but very thickly built. Certainly not muscular in the common sense: he's chunky, but also clearly powerful. His polo shirt is crisp, white and unsurprisingly quite snug on his massive frame, but I'm suddenly struck by the strangest thought: on my skinny 5'7" frame it would be like a circus tent, in every dimension. The gold-colored name badge reads `Clifton' and I couldn't help noticing the contour of his nipple just below it. It seems very large and I quickly focus on finding our passports, dismissing such bizarre thoughts.

"Good afternoon and welcome to the Barbados Gold Resort & Spa. I'm Cliff. Could I take your passports, please?"

Cliff is well-spoken with a surprisingly clear accent, whereas the few other locals we've met so far all had varying degrees of the thick Caribbean dialect, something Lorna had already muttered something less-than-Christian about on the way over. Cliff proceeds to happily set about checking us in and I notice how he has to type precisely, his fingers so big they threatened to hit two or more keys at once. I'm always doing this whenever I'm interacting with a guy significantly larger than my own slight frame, which is most men, really. I've always been self-conscious of my small stature, so I find myself comparing myself to these big, powerful men, a piteous feeling in my stomach. Cliff soon finishes up and places a stylish-looking folder on the desk in front of us, opening it to show a well put-together welcome pack.

"As you are booked into one of our Premium Suites, we would like to extend to you two vouchers for a complimentary spa half-day, to be used at any point throughout your stay with us," he says, placing the vouchers into a slot that they had obviously been designed for. "Your room keys are not only used to access all the included features of our resort, but can be used to secure any facilities that carry an additional cost, so do keep them with you at all times," He continues, adding the key cards to the welcome pack, in their own special slot. "A full list of all the facilities on offer are right here in your pack, including our three different bars, five restaurants and fully-equipped spa center." His patter complete, he closes the folder and hands me the pack, his beaming smile as clean and white as his polo shirt, his eyes warm and friendly.

We barely even make it to the lift before the anticipated tirade begins from Lorna. How Evan is a classless East-coaster with a foul mouth, New Jersey is an awful place and we'll be stuck with him for the rest of the holiday. How, if only I hadn't talked to him on the bus, he would have latched onto some other poor couple and we could have been left in peace.

I wish I could be left in peace.

We arrive in our room and the suite is so impressive, it even manages to silence Lorna as we take in the quality of the room, as well as the stunning view of the Caribbean Sea, fronted by the large main pool. We have a balcony that wraps around the side of the main hotel building as well, giving us a view over the sprawling gardens, with a smaller pool, tennis courts and several smaller buildings visible. The place is huge and I'm excited to be spending two entire weeks here, although it already feels as though it will be nowhere near long enough. The holiday cost an absolute fortune, truly more than I could afford to be honest, and only the argument of cost had been able to change Lorna's mind about bringing our son, Will.

"Why on earth should we have to look down on the staff areas!" Protests Lorna suddenly, breaking the spell of peace and holiday tranquility. "Look, Frank! There are workers down there smoking and just hanging out, it's disgraceful. Not to mention disgusting, smoking below our balcony." She's right, there does seem to be an outside space leading off from some work area where the staff obviously take their breaks. There are two men and a woman in kitchen whites down there, all three smoking. But we're on the fourth floor, the highest it's possible to go, already far above any smell and you have to look almost directly down to see it. The beautiful views are unspoiled from any normal vantage point, not that workers taking a break is any kind of fault anyway.

"If you like, I could call down to reception, see if Cliff can move us to another room," I offer, realizing that I'm passively going along with her fabricated outrage, as I so often did. We haven't been on holiday for even an hour and all the things I thought would be different, with just us in paradise, are obviously no different.

Lorna begins to rant about how every other suite would probably have the same issue and that would mean us having to take a downgrade, whilst inside I swallow down the bitterness at Lorna, but also the anger at myself, for simply giving in all the time.

Thankfully, the bellhop arriving with our bags shuts her off as well as a slap to the face would have. I'm told to tip him $50, which I balk at even as I pull the note from my wallet and see the young man's eyes bulge at so much money. He races out before I can change my mind.

"We don't want them thinking we're cheap, otherwise they'll take us for a ride," comments Lorna matter-of-factly, shooting down any argument before I can even think of mounting one. Just who `they' are and how they can take us for a ride in an all-inclusive resort is beyond me, but I set about unpacking our bags. "I need to shower, that awful minibus ride made me sweat so badly, even that big beast on the front desk must have been appalled at my appearance." I find her toiletry bag for her and she promptly disappears into the bathroom.

"Hardly a big beast, he probably has more education than the two of us," I mumble to myself under my breath as I continue to unpack Lorna's cases. "Besides, a thirty-foot walk has you sweating like that, so it's hardly the minbus' fault." I chuckle sullenly, stopping myself from this dreadful habit I've gotten into of vocalizing responses I'd like to say to her. If I'm not careful, one day I might forget myself and just say it anyway. "Then the shit would hit the fan, Frank," I continue, regardless. "And yes, I just said shit. Fuck. Suck a dick. Cunt."

Muttering curses ever more creative, cruder and ridiculous under my breath, I finish unpacking Lorna's things and turn to my own cases.

**

Less than an hour later, we're sat at a shaded table near the large main pool together with Evan, sipping our first holiday cocktails. I simply wanted a beer, but Evan began to insist I enjoy something a little more `adventurous' for my first time, to which Lorna impishly joined in with, despite her true feelings towards the man.

"Here's to the holiday of a lifetime," toasts Evan as our huge, multicolored creations meet above the table.

"Cheers! So, Evan, how long are you staying? Surely not just a week? A place like this needs to be enjoyed." It's hard for me not to see the barely-hidden barbs in Lorna's opening gambit. I stare into my cocktail as a take a long sip, feeling embarrassed.

"Oh, I'm here for a whole month! I totally agree, a week would be criminal. How long are you both here for? As long as I am, I hope. These drinks are very good, the barman was very generous." I have to suppress a wicked little smile as I put my cocktail glass down, taking the reins as Lorna visibly sputters.

"We're just two weeks, but I'm intending to make the most of it. We have a son, Luke, at home, he'll be fifteen this year and I don't think he'd ever forgive us if our first vacation without him lasted a whole month, especially somewhere as nice as this.

"That's wonderful, you both must be so excited to be spending some quality time together finally. For me, the holiday is kind of bittersweet. I work as a physical therapist back in Trenton and my Mom passed just before Halloween. Well, she'd been sick for a long time and I'd been plowing a lot of my resources into her care, keeping her as comfortable as I could. Well, she had this old life insurance policy that she'd taken out when Dad passed almost ten years ago now."

"My word, Evan, that sounds awful," I offer, to which he dismisses my condolences with a wave of the hand.

"Well, I tried for three years to work out a way to get that policy to pay out for Mom's care before she went. It was watertight, nothing I could do. The upshot was, I knew that policy as well as the brokers did. I didn't leave a stone unturned and I played them at their own game, with Mom's policy paying out in full."

"I expect that was quite a windfall," says Lorna almost absently, already fidgeting and drinking a little too quickly.

"Of course, Mom could not have been happier to know that I was going to be looked after as she'd hoped, but she was so sad that I'd given up pretty much the entire last three years caring for her. So, this trip was her idea. We looked at places together and decided this looked perfect. She insisted that it be no less than a month and when the check finally cleared, the first thing I did was honor her wishes and booked myself a month to the day."

"It sounds like your Mom would be pleased to see you enjoying yourself. It sounds like you've had a tough run of it. Lorna lost her mother five years ago and it is such a trauma," I say, clasping Lorna's hand and looking over at her, while she takes another long draw of her drink. But she perks up a little at having the conversation swung back in her direction and we sit, chatting until the waiter stops by, having noticed our now empty glasses.

"Actually, honey," Lorna says, ignoring the waiter. "I was going to see if I could use my spa voucher this afternoon. The flight was pretty long and a massage with all the trimmings would be just the thing to help ease me into our stay." She now takes my hand, her words sugary sweet, but I'm not buying it. This is her first step in freezing out Evan. The unspoken assumption that I'll join her and dump our new friend hangs between us and I feel a surge of anger at her behavior. Maybe the alcohol is helping, but suddenly I don't feel like playing ball.

"Well, that sounds great, hon. In fact, I was going to let you use my voucher as well. I've never been big into all that prodding and poking and you could use one now and still have one to just enjoy, rather than helping you unwind."

"Can I just say, that, as a physical therapist, I will be picking up on that `prodding and poking' comment before this vacation is done, Frank," Evan interjects with a cheeky smile. I'm blushing with embarrassment at my faux pas, but he assures me no harm done. "They aren't for everyone. Plus, my skin's a little thicker than that. Seriously, I'm New Jersey," he quips, the accent suddenly thick as we all laugh.

"That is so sweet of you, Frank. Are you sure?"

"Of course. I mean, if they are as good as the brochure says, maybe we can splash out on a couple's day later on." Lorna leans over and kisses me, her smile as pretty as I remember. Maybe this wasn't all some kind of plot on her part. I chide myself, knowing I've been quite unkind in my thinking towards her.

"That sounds amazing. So, with that sorted, Evan, would you order yourself and Frank another cocktail, but make sure that's your last, you two; I don't want my husband drunk at dinner," She jokes, wagging her finger dramatically at Evan. "I'll just pop to the bathroom. Honey, would you run upstairs and fetch the voucher? The day is flying by and I don't want to miss the chance." The two of us get up from the table as Evan catches the waiter's attention again. Lorna walks to the reception area with me, where the guest bathrooms are. "Well, like you said, you wouldn't have enjoyed the spa anyway, plus I have the perfect escape route again if Evan decides we're all going to be best buddies. Did you hear him? Flying around the world at his dead mother's expense and making out like it was her idea all along! The nerve." I don't know why I thought this wasn't a typical Lorna move. I can't even be bothered to murmur an agreement. She doesn't need it anyway.

"Frank, you have one more drink and then you're done. I'd rather not have to spend my entire vacation hosting a loud-mouth East coast freeloader," she declares as she turns on her heel, leaving me at the lifts as she heads for the bathroom. I watch her stalk through the lobby, ignoring Cliff's greeting.

Five minutes later I'm back down at the pool with Evan, our glasses refreshed and Lorna happily on her way to nirvana.

"To Lorna," offers Evan as a toast. "She's quite a woman." I smile tightly.

"May I offer a counter-toast? To your mother, also quite a woman." Evan smiles warmly at this, and we clink glasses, then sip. The first cocktail is already giving me a mild buzz.

"So, how did young Luke take the news of you two heading off without him?"

"He's a teenager, he couldn't have been happier to see the back of us. He wasn't so thrilled at having his Uncle Paul move in while we're away, I think he thought we were going to let him stay at home throwing wild parties every night." This made Evan chuckle. "Besides, we promised him that we'll go away next year together. Lorna and I will celebrate our fifteenth anniversary."

"Didn't you say Luke was turning fifteen this year?"

"Ah, yeah, thing is, I'm actually Luke's stepdad. Lorna and I have been sweethearts since high school and, well, everybody makes mistakes. Lorna's was a one-night-stand. I've stood by Lorna and Luke has never known another man as his Father. But that's all way in the past."

"Shit, Frank, that's some straight up gentleman shit right there. You must really love Lorna." Without even thinking, I give a little snort and raise my eyebrows, then ducking down to my cocktail to try and cover it. I'm caught off-guard and my response to his question was totally out of line. "Lorna doesn't like me much, does she?" The sudden twist, straight after my slip-up, catches me off-guard. I look up at Evan, not knowing what to say. "Look, I don't give a fuck what she thinks, I thought you really needed a lifeline, Frank. She never gave you a moment's peace in that minibus. This is your holiday too, right?"

My mind is frozen for a second. Lorna's always been domineering, but over the last few years it's just gotten really bad. Now other people are noticing and commenting. I can feel my face burning, with the embarrassment. What is Evan even up to here?

"Lorna's not always been so bad," I say meekly. "I'm... I guess... I just go along with it, most of the time. I want a quiet life, you know?" The burning in my face intensifies. I've never spoken like this, never let on how I've been feeling.

"Frank, a quiet life is being the person you really are, without anyone telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing." He leaves his statement hanging in the air as he takes another drink of his cocktail. Children playing in the pool behind me suddenly sound so loud, I can ever hear the sprinklers watering the gardens beyond. I have no idea what's going on.

"I guess I don't really stand up to her. She used to be better, but it seems like every time I give in to her, she gets a little bit worse. And I always give in to her. I'm a coward. Why... Why the fuck am I even telling you this? I don't even know you!"

"Hey, you're not a coward. You're just getting along, doing what everyone expects of you, right? But this shit right here is unhealthy as all fuck. Yeah, you don't know me. I don't know you, but I can see what's going on here. Saw it the moment I climbed into the minibus. I kind of thought you'd be on my wavelength, but I guess you're not there yet."

"Wavelength? What are you on about?"

"Look, if you are so far under the thumb then nothing I say is going to matter. I really hope you enjoy your vacation and if you want to talk then I'm in room 207, or I'll see you around, I guess. Bye, Frank."

Just like that, Evan is gone. I have no idea what the hell just happened and I'm sat at the table processing my thoughts until the waiter asks if I'd like another drink, the cocktail sat in front of me now just a pinkish glass of melted ice water. In one stroke, Evan had made me question everything about myself, then taken off. I'm sat here trying to get angry at Evan and whatever mind-fuck he was trying to pull, but I can't stop hearing Lorna; all of those nasty things she says, the way I just nod and smile and get swept along by her.

Another five minutes later, I'm standing in front of 207. I still have no idea what the hell this all is, but Evan can't just leave me like that. I try to knock, then again, a third time still no luck. Berating myself silently, I put my closed fist up in front of me and force it against the door. It's not knocking, but the best I can do. A moment later, the door opens and Evan just stands aside, not saying anything. Mutely, I walk into the room. It's not a lavish suite like ours and for a second, I think how much that would please Lorna to know that. The way she judges other people and looks down on them.

"Lorna was not always a bad person and I do love her." I have no idea what the fuck I'm saying, but I am adrift in my own mind and Lorna seems to be the only thing that I can focus on. Evan reaches into his small minibar fridge and pulls out two bottles of water, handing one to me. Then, he flicks on the TV and sits on the bed, his eyes on the screen. Still, he says nothing. "She's always been stronger than I have, but things have just gotten out of control. She's gotten bigger, like, way bigger than when we were first together. It's kind of isolated us, I suppose. We don't have any close friends, nobody to really talk to, just us. Luke is now growing up and he's going out into the world and we're just left behind." He's just letting all of these words bleed out of me and even though he's not looking at me, I'm being heard more clearly than I have been for years.

"First, you aren't a coward. You're just doing what you've always done. Routine becomes something so familiar and so comforting that even when it's choking us, it's still all we have.

"My Mom didn't die. She never picked out this vacation for me. But my partner died. He was a monster and for twelve years I was trapped underneath him. I never went out except to go to work, I never spoke to anybody that he didn't allow me to and I was sealed into this suffocating existence and I allowed myself to stay there because I saw nothing else beyond that. Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. His heart just stopped and he was dead before he hit the ground. So, I'm now enjoying every single moment of my life because I was this close to having it crushed before my eyes and I did nothing to stop it."

I'm standing there and just letting tears slide down my face. Not by what Evan's telling me, but because each word echoes inside of me and resonates so deeply that I'm terrified. Evan stands up and, in a moment, I'm clinging to him like a drowning man in the middle of a vast, empty ocean, my face pressed into his neck, sobbing like a child. His arms are around me and how long we stayed like that I will never know.

**

I wake up on Evan's bed around five, with no memory of ever having fallen asleep. Evan is sat on his balcony and, I don't know why, but I sneak from the room without saying a thing. In a daze, I head upstairs to my room and change, then five minutes later I'm tearing through the pool like a man possessed. My mind, as if the gears had been jammed and rusted all this time, was now spinning wildly and pounding the water back and forth was a way to distract me from my thoughts.

At seven, Lorna returns from her spa treatment and we head down to the buffet restaurant for dinner. We make our way slowly through the presented food, filling our plates, and dinner passes. We head to the cocktail lounge and sit mostly in silence. I'm living in a lucid dream and there is something distinctly unreal about everything that is happening.

"You are on another planet this evening, Frank. How many cocktails did you have? You'd better not be hungover."

"Just the one more, like you said. I went swimming after and then dozed in our room, where you found me. Guess I didn't fully wake up."

"Hmm," Lorna expresses skeptically as she sips her drink.