Goddammit!

Goddamnit! Fucking shit! Buggerit! Fucking shit all!

Though the painkillers were making me groggy, cussing is something you can do even if you've momentarily forgotten your own name. Shit I'm crying again... I can't seem to stop from the moment I was dropped into the emergency room.

Right now they're wheeling me out of the x-ray room. Damn I've never been in as much pain as when asked to twist my arm for the godforsaken x-rays, crying, screaming and cussing... those poor orderlies. Nothing, nothing short of probably childbirth could have prepared me for moving my obviously broken arm for a different x-ray angle.

My first broken bone, trust me I ain't proud.
It was simple really... I fell, blacked out during impact. I remember loosing my balance holding out my hands as I was falling down. Next thing I'm holding my limp hand by the wrist, my stomach is churning and adrenaline is coursing through my body. I panicked; no one home and no one was going to be home for at least a few days. We don't have a landline and my cellphone's battery is dead. I'm always forgetting to charge that stupid thing and loosing the charger in the in-between time. I ran up and down the stairs for no other reason than that my heart is racing and i'm trying to think. I stumble out of the front door and walk the half mile to my neighbours house. We live pretty secluded mostly I enjoy the space but tonight I'd have settled for a semi-attached.

My neighbor only recently moved to our country and hardly speaks any English at all. But I guess finding a distraught guy on your doorstep holding a swollen arm and a limp wrist is an indication to call an ambulance in any language. Which is exactly what she did. Sitting down, knowing help was en route the adrenaline that'd kept me from feeling the pain started to fade. My good hand trembles. I can't move or crippling pain wracks my arm.

Fuck! Fuck Fucking BUGGER SHIT!

In this era of cellphone magic, who memorizes phone numbers anymore? I don't and honestly it's only by the grace of god I recall my fathers cell by heart. I know he won't be here for a while. Business trips keep him pretty occupied and I'm not sure where he's off to this time. It could be days before he even gets here.

The doctor just visited me, I need surgery apparently it is a very bad break. Shit, again with the crying I'm usually no so weepy. I guess being alone in an unfamiliar hospital being told I'm to be transported to a different hospital cause there are no bed available here. Being told I'll be in surgery within the hour well....

The nurses see me crying or at least note the thick tears rolling down my cheeks at every other interval. They ask if I'm in pain, I'm managing the pain but that's not really why I'm distressed. Surgery? Shit surgery! How are we going to afford a fucking surgery? College has already depleted most of our money and with a broken arm I'll be fired from my job and...and... URGGG!
Too many thoughts too many worries. Why in gods names did I have to fix the curtain fixtures? I mean I didn't have to stand on a chair to reach up but I did and I fucking fell!
I FELL OF A CHAIR and BROKE MY ARM! It wasn't even a high chair.

I'm being transported to the other hospital, leaving the nice nurses behind...

I wake up to gentle hands checking my vitals. Everything is woozy, fucking painkillers but at least their doing their job...

"It's ok Baby just rest." A nice soft male voice stood beside my bed.

Baby? What the fuck?

"What the eff... I'm not your baby." It took me a while to complete this sentence and it was said with less intensity than I'd meant it.

"Not yet." Before I could answer I wake up again freezing. A masked surgeon hovers above my face asking me questions I don't fully hear.

"Are you in pain?" She seeing silent tears roll down. Pain, fear, anguish, loneliness, guilt shit I was every emotion mixed up together cooking to perfection.

"Count back from ten." She said.

"10, 9...."

I wake up in a faintly lit recovery room. My arm sealed in a heavy cast, there is no pain but I have no idea what they had to do to fix the injury. I've had minor operations before, appendix removal, dental surgery... waking up in recovery is always a pain. I'm drifting in an out of sleep for the next few hours dimly aware I've been taking a room. I missed breakfast but I know it wasn't a great loss. Call it instinct.

I've been attached to a little morphine pump to keep the pain at bay. I'm in a twin room, a curtain drawn between the two beds. From the coming and goings throughout the day, it seemed the woman next to me is bedridden after a heavy surgery. I guessing... I never do see her face. I hear her cry though.

No one expect my Dad knows I'm here, I hope he can break his trip and come back. All the nurses and hospital staff are busy; no one has time for me unless it's for checking my vitals or providing me with a fresh jug of water. It's a very strange sensation people coming in an out of the room at all times, people chatting and walking through the halls doing their job. People everywhere but you're completely alone.

The surgeon came in after lunch explaining to me what had been done. She sketched it out on a pad which I thought was attentive of her; apparently my ulna (the first bone in your lower arm) broke just under my wrist causing the bone to be shoved upwards next to the elbow... So that is why my arm seemed so swollen... It was a pretty bad break and my recovery prognosis is ok ... yet lengthy and unsure if I'd be able to regain the full dexterity of my elbow. Two metal pins had been inserted in my wrist to keep the bone in place. Hooray... another surgery to remove them in a few months.

Late in the afternoon of the next day I was surprise to have visitors. My two college buddies; Kaleena and Devin found me still dressed in my awful hospital gown listening to the woman next to me crying. I was in no better state than she was at this point.

"Oh man Jarod. What happened?" Kaleena rushed over her dark eyes wide taking in my arm cast from fingertips to shoulder. There was an IV inserted in the artery of my other elbow, which left me pretty immobile. I was a mess.

"How?" I frowned beyond happy to see them yet still emotionally ruffed up.

"You're dad contacted us. He can't get here before tomorrow evening." Devin said taking his place behind Kaleena. His long tied blond hair a funny contrast to her short black bob cut.

"He phoned you?" Really?

"Yeah he has my number. Knowing how terrible you are with cellphones." Devin answered giving him the "we all know what an ass you are about cellphones" look.

"He scared the shit out of us. Just said you were in the hospital." She hugged me carefully as not the hurt me, man hugs are a blessing for those you don't receive them often. My dad always was a man of few words.

"Finding you was hell too. I mean reception first claimed you weren't even in the hospital than gave us a wrong room number cause apparently you're in a different ward than you're supposed to be. God we'd never have found you if Devin hadn't asked some random hospital guy if he'd ever heard of you." Kaleena ranted releasing me "Luckily he had. Now tell us what happened." She demanded. Sighing I took them through my irritation at the lopsided curtains and my subsequent fall. Devin rolled his eyes as I told them my phone had died on me. I guess this is a huge lesson in proper phone care isn't it?

After I'd told them my tale of woo, Kaleena grabbed the bag she'd dropped at the foot of my bed. "I got you some clothes bro, some books and stuff you must be bored out of you're mind."

"Yeah. Thanks." I said smiling, they stayed a while longer keeping me company more than anything else until visiting hours ended. Devin leaned over conspiratorially "I stashed some sweet stuff in there too, none of that fruit shit."

"I heard that" Kaleena chimed handing me the grapes she'd picked up. "Anyway you're dad said he'd be here tomorrow evening he couldn't get down sooner. Just in time for your release from prison."

"A prison with cute nurses though." Devin winked.

"Yeah right for you maybe." Kaleena scoffed. "Maybe all the males have the nightshift."

"There was one I think." I frowned trying to remember the soft voice that had spoken to me during the night.

"Oh cute?"

"I don't know, I was pretty drugged up at that point, he called me baby."

"That's the morphine talking buddy."

"Yeah probably" I smiled suppressing a yawn, it was surprising how draining visitors can be. Who knew?

I hit the morphine pump to ensure a good sleep and was out of it soon after.

I woke again startled in the middle of the night pain surged through my arm. I'd shifted in my sleep and banged my arm hard against the bars of my hospital bed. Though protected by the cast the vibration struck my bone and it still hurt like a bitch. I settled down and hit the pump again. I'm glad the pump was temporary such an easy fix by the press a button. A nurse came in some time later, I wasn't asleep but out of it nonetheless. Familiar gentle hands check my vitals, a soft voice soothed me in nondescript words but calm me they did.

"Rest Baby, just rest and heal."

"Not.. you rrr babeey" I blubbered, I think did anyway I'm not sure what I said.

"No, not yet but soon." His cool hand brushed the hair from my eyes, stroking my hair relaxing me even more. Last thing I remember were soft lips pressing against my forehead. If there is anything I can't fight even if I had the will to, was a man tenderly kissing my forehead. Such a loving and caring kiss, it melts me.

Next day was as bad as the last. I was comfortable and the pain was fading, so I was pretty much ignored. Left me a lot of time to think about my nighttime nurse. I'd tried asking who had been on duty during the night yet was informed no male nurses are even stationed at this ward. Strange...

About 4 o'clock in the afternoon Dad walked into my room. He didn't say anything but I could see worry in his face. He walked over to me touching my hand slightly as if afraid to cause me more pain if he did anything else but breath.

"I'll get the papers for you're discharge. They filled me in on what happened. I'll take you home right away." He said quickly leaving the room. That's my dad; we hardly look alike, he's quiet and only speaks when there is something to say. I awkwardly climb out of bed and try my best to get dressed. The IV drip and morphine pump already been removed this morning. Unlucky for me I'd broken my right arm. My dominant arm so trying to handle this with the left was a serious course in trail and error and dropping a lot of things. In no time I was discharged and wheeled off site. To be frank I was relieved to be leaving even if it was a pity I never got to see my midnight nurse in daylight.

We drove home in silence as usual. I know my dad loves me; he flew home from halfway around the world to see to me. He has my friend's numbers in case anything happened to me. We had a nice home, helped me in any way he could with college bills. Flatly forbidding me taking out any student loans. He was quiet and thoughtful and always there for me. He loved me as I loved him; I just wish he'd show it sometimes. I'm a very physical person, a chatterbox and very touchy feely person with my friends. They don't pay any attention to it, they know I don't mean anything by it and I'm never inappropriate. It gets confusing for outsiders whom don't know me though. Kaleena has been my rumored girlfriend many times. If they knew me they'd know the difference. When I actually am interested in someone I clam up. I have no confidence in my looks whatsoever, who would want me? I don't get much interest male or female to be honest and I've been called ugly more often than not. So however much friends or family claim otherwise, guess which ones sticks. I'm not trying to be pitiful here, just realistic. I know I'm not a looker, some days I'm embarrassed to be seen outside others I feel like a million buck in a new shirt. I'm very uneasy around good-looking men gay or not. They fill me with dread, always feeling ugly and inadequate beside them.

A few days later I'm in class again, taking notes on my laptop with my untrained left hand. I'm catching up on my assignments and missed classes. Kaleena and Devin help me out a lot honestly aren't good friend the best thing in life?

A few weeks later I'm still in the blasted awkward cast. The surgeon wants me two wear the damn thing for another four weeks. My injury isn't healing well damn it. I'm walking along campus when I spy a new coffee shop across the road.

I guess I am thirsty...

The shop has a nice relaxed vibe to it and smelled of actual bean coffee. None of that fake spray stuff. The barista has his back to me cleaning out a machine; he's tall supple inconspicuous muscles shifting under his shirt as he worked. I do have a thing for tall guys I admit but really think nothing of it. He turned noticing me at the counter he's cute too.... I mean not strikingly handsome or a stud or anything ostentatious like that. But damn cute... Warm tussled brown hair, neatly trimmed stubble, soft honey coloured eyes.

"What can I get you?" His voice is nice and soothing, I almost want to say One barista to go please instead I say.

"One coffee to go, please." Hm, I sound chipper for some reason...

"Small, medium or large?"

"Erm... medium."

"Milk, sugar, ci-" I raise my hand cutting him off mid sentence I know where this is going you can't order a damn coffee without taking an oral exam.

"Just a regular. Black. Nothing fancy."

He gives me a bright smile, nodding "Nothing fancy coming right up."

I pay the barista with the nice smile while my coffee runs. His name tag informs me he carries the royal name of John. He winks handing me my cup. I'm momentarily stunned almost tripping over my own clumsy feet in the act of stepping backwards. Flushing I exit the shop as quickly as I can. Attention like this rare and catches me of guard if from someone actually interesting. Then again, he's a barista right? Charm is part of the job. Yeah, John is probably very popular among his customers smiles always do help fill the tip jar...

...Good coffee though.

Against my better judgment I find myself visiting the coffee shop a few days later. I feel like an idiot trying to casually scope out the shop. No John. I take my regular coffee and leave the shop quickly feeling.... Disappointed.... And utterly stupid.

Over the coarse of the next week I drag Kaleena with me to the shop several times, during none of which John was working.

"Jees Jarod! Why don't you ask if he still works here instead of skulking in and out like this." I give her a very pointed crazy look. Ask? Are you nuts? She's right about one thing though I'm being ridiculous getting all messed up over a nice smile and a wink. This is why I hate charming men who know they're charming. They can make you all tied up inside without even meaning to. I feel angry with myself for falling for it.

"Let's just go." I mutter but before I can drag her out of the shop she steps up to the current barista, a woman named Kelly.

"Excuse me, does John still work here?" She asks sweetly.

Kelly is not impressed. "John? We've got no John here."

"Really. He was behind the counter here like two weeks ago or something."

"We got no John here ma'am. Never had." She said smugly. Kaleena raised her eyebrow to me.

"Let's just go." I repeat getting the hell out of the shop.

I actually believe I'm starting to see things... These past weeks I've been seeing stuff or people. Or man in my case. A familiar face keeps popping up around me. A passenger exiting the bus, a pedestrian crossing the road, a city worker tending to the flowerbeds of the park, a homeless guy I gave my spare coins to on a whim. That face... familiar yet fleeting... Every time I try to get a second look or get closer he's gone. Vanished as if he'd never been there at all. One time I actually bumped into him rounding a corner getting a flash of those honey coloured eyes before I could turn and he was gone. Only then I realized it was John, barista John... everywhere....

Three weeks after the coffee shop fiasco I'm walking home after class. I can't drive with this infuriating cast, so it's commuting with bus for me! Its been the bane of my existence this past month and a half, can't people see I have this great big cast on my arm? Not according to their blatant shoving and pushing, I've falling against a few people thrown off balance by a pushy woman or arrogant man. It earned me nothing but dirty looks. My left arm reflexes to grab a support beam aren't so honed as my right arm ones alright! So sue me!

The bus stop is about a mile from my house but the walk is nice. I love walking. Moving your body in a very simplistic motion switching to autopilot. You just move along without instruction. I turn into to long road of my house. It's only the house on the street so I notice the truck in the driveway immediately. Dad is talking to a guy on our front steps. I'm too far to see who it is but I recognize gardening tools in the truck bed and the logo of a local business on the truck door. The garden is normally my responsibility but right now I've been making a mess of it. As I'm nearing the house the stranger man bids my dad goodbye and climbs into his truck. He's back is to me; a nice well balanced back, his cargo pants hanging loosely on his hip. There is something oddly familiar about his stature I shrug the feeling off quickly I don't know any gardeners. Unless someone switched jobs just recently.

"Oh When do you think those roses are going to bloom?" Dad shouts out to the man as the truck's engine roars into life.

"Not yet David!" The man hollers backing out of the driveway. I freeze, my foot hovers in the air mid step while I stare at the truck. On the road he leans out of the driver's window "But soon!" he waves driving away.

The voice. The words. That familiar warm brown hair....

JOHN!

I return to earth running up to my dad still standing on our front steps. Running is the one thing that hurts my arm while it moves around in the cast; I've lost a lot of muscle mass in my arm lately.

"Dad! Who was that?" I practically yell at him panting.

"What do you mean?" He gives me an odd look.

"The guy that just drove off?" I wave to my uninjured arm toward the now empty road.

"The garden guy." My dad shrugged before turned to go inside.

But it was him! John! Barista John... but the words he said ...

"You think barista John is midnight nurse?" Kaleena asks me seriously

"I don't know Kaleena it was just so weird." The three of us are occupying a small table at our favourite bar in town "Kismet".

"That sounds off man even to me." Devin shakes his head sipping his beer.

"I know it does." I sigh slumping my head on the table. "It does to me too." My voice is muffled by the wooden tabletop.

"I mean you never saw midnight nurse's face" Devin explains or tries to he's had a few by now. "And spoke to barrister John only for a few minutes at a shop whom claims never to have employed him in the first place."

"Barista John." I correct still inspecting the table's top.

"Is what I said." He continued in the same beat. "And yesterday you only half saw him and only heard him say a few word..."

"We know he was real then, your dad spoke to him." Kaleena added waving the server for another cocktail. I lurch up, my head only just arriving in time with my brain.

"Yeah!" I cheer up. "I swear I seem him everywhere... The only place he hasn't turned up in is my dreams." I shouldn't have said that, I'l probably jinxing it.

The night isn't as young as it was and the bar is getting pretty crowded. I'm not a huge fan of crowds too many eyes about.

"John!" Our heads snap to the up. "John!" The yell came from a young woman making her way through the crowd. I search the bar could he be here? Is John here? The woman hugs a large dark skinned man with a brilliant smile; our shoulders sag at the sight. Obviously this John nice as he might be isn't my John.

"This is ridiculous. I'm heading home guys, don't worry I'll get a taxi." I bid them goodnight mood completely sunk to the ground. It takes me 20 minutes to hail down a taxi, while the preppy handsome stud across the road merely has to snap his fingers and poof one appears at his feet. He smirks at as he gets in. It isn't a how-you-doing smile smirk; it's a smirk smirk. A condescending dismissive smirk, one that crawls up you're skin.

"Syndic Road please." I suppress the urge to snap, the taxi driver shouldn't bear the brunt of irritated mood tonight.

"Sure thing Babe." The driver nods pulling away from the curb

"What?"

"Sure thing Boss." She smiles into rearview mirror, this isn't John either not unless our John can change into a Joanna at will. I slump into the back seat as we ride through town watching the streetlight pass at rhythmic intervals. I may actually slowly be going insane...

The damn cast is OFF! 9 weeks I spend in that thing, necessary for my bones but it's going to be hell for my muscles. I can't touch my nose or straighten my elbow yet but baby steps right... baby steps. The two little bumps on my wrist indicate the placement of the pins, strange to say the least. Dad and I celebrate by spending a quiet night at home. He's reading a book, I'm listening to one. A new concept for me I love reading but holding a book has been difficult with the cast and now I'm kinda hooked. There is something so relaxing about lying stretched out in the couch eye closed headphones on listening to good book. Which is exactly what I'm doing. The chapter I'm listening to is taking a turn for the... erotic. The narrator is really getting into it; his voice soft and sensuous, is dripping with lust as he narrates the characters actions. My cheeks flush and I check the audio setting again dialing down as low as I can go. An automatic respond in case something happens and anyone next me can hear what I'm listening to. I glance over to dad but he seems completely absorbed by his own piece of fiction. The main character had been named Johnny, (yeah well whatever) with a Jack as his lover. There are getting to it hot and heavy and I'm boning up right there on the couch.

"Oh Johnny, Johnny make me cum." Jack pleads as he squirms beneath me. The scent of his sweat mingled with mind as my heart races as fast has his. I want him to come, he needs to cum, and I'm playing him like a fine tuned violin. Now I want more, I want his everything.
"Not yet." I whisper my lips to his ear. He clutches to me as I trust deeper and deeper inside him, I want his pleasure. I want to feel him lose control and I want to be the one to raise the tide. "Soon Baby. I promise."

My eyes snap open as I bolt upright in the couch yanking the headphones from my ears. Dad hardly gives me a second glance as I stiffly stalk out of the room. Once locked in my bedroom it's a race to rid myself of pants, I've had to learn to be left-handed for certain activities lately. My right still too weak to be of any real assistance even now.

That voice, it took me until that very last sentence to realize that voice was just like Johns. Barista John, mid night nurse, gardener John, narrator John it didn't matter which. My dick is rock hard and throbbing as I grasp it. It's been leaking a while by the touch of it; erotic literature can really get my juices flowing. I imagine the scene I'd been listing to playing like a film reel in my mind. John is still in his Johnny character and I'm squirming beneath him. He's breeching me, entering me, taking complete control as I'm helplessly held in his strong hands, embraced by his strong arms, loved with his body. His lips on my skin, his breathe in my ear. I stroke myself to the rhythm I imagine him thrusting into me.Like the slow tick of a clock echoing in my mind. Again and again and again...

My climax wracks through my whole body as I send my seed into the air. I hold back a scream but I know I haven't been very quiet. Recovering on the floor of my room I stare down at my cum covered hand. What the hell is happening to me? What the hell is going on?

A few days later I'm alone in small café near the library grabbing myself some lunch. I spy a little table for two in the fare right corner and take my food to it. Once settled I start to dig into the pasta I've chosen, eating is still a little awkward with my healing arm but I'm getting there. Can't touch my nose yet but forks were invented for something. A shadow covers my food.

"Is this seat taken?" The shadow asks. I'm not entirely in the mood for company but the place was crowded. I shake my head and look up as the shadow sits down across of me, right into John's honey coloured eyes. I almost don't swallow my mouth full as he smiles at me, sipping a coffee as I stare at him. Man this guy is beautiful, the black shirt's making is eyes simply sparkle. I place my fork down and lean back into my chair folding my arms taking my time before I finally speak.

"So is it soon yet?"

"Yes." His smile wanes leaning in over the small table. "You've got to wake up now Jarod." The room darkens as when dark clouds blanket the sun outside.

"What?" The darkness sweeps through he room.

"Wake up Jarod." He says before everything fall into darkness. "...I'm waiting..."

Beep - beep - beep

Bright light, the smell of chemicals fills my nostrils.

"He's awake!" I hear a voice call out next to me. Blinking against the light I try to take in my surroundings. White walls and white sheets, a hospital room. My dad's worried face pops up next to me.

"Hey son. It's all right. You're alright." Relief shines from my Dads face like a beacon.

"I'll get the nurse." That's Kaleena rushing out of the room. Devin's standing by the foot of my bed.

"Wha..-" I croaks damn my throat is cork dry. I look down my arm is sealed up in a heavy-duty cast.

"You fell and broke your arm." Dad said, I nod sipping water from a cup he hands me.

"I remember."

"You went into anaphylactic shock during surgery."

"I WHAT!" What are they talking about? I'm not allergic to anything.

"Dude. You've been in a coma for six days" Devin's biting his lips his eyes betray his worry.

"Six days!" I try to sit up but Dad keeps me down. "But -"

"They don't know what triggered it. Suddenly you we're crashing... we've been waiting for you to wake up."

Kaleena returns with a nurse in tow. During the next hour I'm pricked and prodded and questioned by several doctors. Devin and Kaleena leave soon after satisfied I've returned to the conscious world. Dad remains by my bed.

"It was so weird dad. Everything so ... vivid. You, me, Kaleena, Devin... I remember taking classes, eating lunch, waking up each morning in my bed for months." I'm sitting up crossed legged in my hard hospital bed. The arm isn't easy to maneuver but i'm used to it by now. It feels like I've had months of training.

John seemed so real too. Maybe I just want John to be real but I can't fully describe the strange emotion filling me.
John isn't real.
He's not here.
In a sense I mourn his los, I wanted him to be real.
I wanted him to find me.
I wanted to him.

"Your brain was dealing with healing your body in its own way I guess."
I chuckled darkly at this, yeah just like me to create a fantasy man to keep my brain occupied. We chat for a while, mostly me assuring him I feel all right. Well, as all right as I can after waking from a six day sleep. It seems I must have been listening while I slept cause they did have to place pins in my wrist and the bone had broke just like I remember from my dream. Dad's getting ready to leave as a nurse enters my room again.

"Hey David, I hear our boy's awake?" My mouth drops open as the nurse smiled at my dad, shaking his hand.

"Hi John. Yeah he woke a few hours ago. I swear it's been the longest six days of my life. I've got to get going but we'll talk tomorrow right?" I'm unsure what surprised me the most; John, my John standing before me in his white nurse scrubs or my Dad's camaraderie with a stranger. Dad leaves and I hardly notice, my eyes glued to the other man in my room. His smile is exactly like I remember it as he steps up to check my vitals. Pressing his fingers against my uninjured wrist he checks my pulse. I slowly flip my hand and hold on to his. He looks up.

"Hi, welcome back." His voice soft and soothing like always

"Hi." I don't manage much else

"I told you it would be soon." His eyes search mine, he knows I recognize him, and he knows I know him. But how much do I remember he wonders, how much do I know?

"You did." I haven't let go of his hand and he doesn't seem to mind it being held tightly by mine. His other hand reaches up to brush my hair from my eyes. I lean into the touch; I remember it I remember his fingers brushing through my hair. Softly... soothingly... He moves his hand to cup my face

"I'm still on duty for another hour. I'll come back after. You should rest now baby." He waits and smiles as my lack of reaction. "No objection his time?"

"No objection." I shake my head as he leans closer the heat of his hand still warming my cheek. This man can call me anything he wants is all I'm thinking as he presses his lips to mine in a short fleeting kiss.

In reality I'm not in a twin room; Dad's insurance gave me a private room. I wonder why I imagined the crying woman I shared my room with in my sleep. For the next hour I lay in bed staring at the door. He'll come back this time; I'm awake now he has to come back. He's real here...

One hour and nine minutes after John left my room the door opens again and he steps through. Black slacks and a dark shirt replaced his scrubs. He comes up to my bed kicking off his shoes; my heart beats loudly in my chest. I wonder if he can hear it. He lowers the bars of my bed before lying down beside me. The light is dimmed but I see him clearly, the bed is small but it doesn't bother me. For the very first time his scent washes over me. What delicious pheromones he has scented of spicy vanilla.

We lay there for a while his head resting on the pillow beside mine.

"You should have many questions." He says looking at me breaking the long silence.

"I..." ... you know what?... "I don't think I particularly care about the answers."

"You don't?" He laughs I like his laugh its hearty and inviting.

"Not really, I don't care about the how. Maybe the why ... and..."

"...and?" he presses

"... and the..." I can't seem spell out the words to my thoughts, John sees my struggle taking my hands in his, touching my cast fingers gently.

"You're right. The how doesn't matter, the why well..." he presses his forehead to mine, whispering. "I saw you being brought in for surgery that night. When I saw you I knew you. I knew I wanted you. I had found you, that rare among my kind."

"That is part of the how isn't it? Do I need to know?"

"Don't worry I'm mostly human, just not completely."

"I don't care what you are John all I need to know is..." again my feelings crowd out my throat, the words unable to press through.

"Yes Baby it's real, I'm real. You and I are really here... in this bed... right now." He says returning his hand to my cheek; tears start to build up in my eyes.

"... and..." I choke out as the liquid rolls down my cheek onto his fingers

"and I'm not going anywhere." He breathes pulling me into his embrace, onto his lips urging me to accept his statement. After a while he pulls back letting me catch up to my breath.

"When you crashed during surgery I panicked. I can't heal people or bring them back from the dead." His hands momentarily tighten around me. "I smooth things along, make patients more comfortable in way doctors and ordinary nurses can't. I help people it's what I do. But you ... I'd just found you and there you were on the edge of death. You crashed three times baby.... Three times your heart stopped..." I felt his body shake as his tears dropped onto our pillow. "...and I couldn't do a damn thing about it." He sobs against the pillow a second before collecting himself. "Once they had you stabilized I did what I could."

"So the coffee shop...? And the gardener...?"

"I wanted to see you, not just stare at your sleeping body." He chuckled his tears diminishing, taking a deep breath to get his own breathing back on track. We lay is silence for a while; content in each other's arms I know I was. This is John, my John and those words ring true to the core of my being. This is my John. I'd been waiting for him. I lean back to look into his eyes, their relaxed now so full of emotions I don't even pretend to understand them all.

My lips curl into a bit of smirk "What about Johnny?"

"Johnny?" his brow creases in confusion.

"The narration of Jack and Johnny."

"Oh.." He mumbles blushed beet red. It's cute, he being shy but I want answers so I nudge him to continue. "I .... Well... I lost control with that one... I didn't mean... I mean.. I didn't mean... to..."I shut him up with a well placed kiss.

"I didn't mind. Just didn't understand at the time." I kiss him again. I swear those lips... The more his kissed me the more I wanted to return the favour. "It was great even if it wasn't real."

"It seemed real to me." He spoke softly blushing again. "I could feel you pull me into your fantasy. Like I was there with you, doing what you wanted me to... I..."

"What?" He avoided my gaze staring guiltily down into the small space between us.

"I'd been afraid I was pushing my emotions onto you too much. I wanted... no ... I want you Jarrod but it didn't mean you'd feel the same...."

"Which is why I only go to see glimpses of you?" I ask John nodded keeping his eyes downcast.

"I sensed your..." He swallowed hard before continuing."...feelings about men, certain men. How you see yourself. It almost broke my heart baby. I didn't know how you would react to me or even take notice of me."

"I think... I've been hurt and used before so I do close myself off. Mainly from certain types of men." What would I have done if he'd come up to me in broad daylight with a pick up line? "I don't know what I would have done if you would have approached me just like that, that kind of thing just doesn't happen to me."

"You'd have thought I was drunk or on a dare." John said but there was no smile attached to his words.

"Probably." I concede ducking my head. John gathers my head in both hands and makes me look at him.

"Baby you are so beautiful to me. Your smile, your eyes, your giggle almost killed me whenever I heard it." Oh shit "But more than that and you are so much more than that. Your wit, intelligence, your... unique way of being." He laughed "I saw all those things while you were asleep." His face rearranged into a serious setting. "I know you Jarod, I knew you the moment I saw you. I hope you will want to get to know me just as well."

"So you were there? During those months of my six day sleep not just during those glimpses?" oh my god...

"In a way, more like listening to see if you were alright." I jerk my head away from his words. I don't really know what to think, he's seen my all, my tantrums, my elations, my feelings, my thoughts... all my thoughts.... Oh shit...

"But - but... " Oh bugger shit " Why are you still here?"

"What?" John's clearly confused by my reaction, why I'm pulling away from him. After a small moment I see realization dawn in his eyes. "Oh Baby. No, god no none of that has made me love you any less. Quite the opposite in fact. I love your quirks they make you you."

"Love?" Ok I'm on the verge of panic here. No one has said that to me, ever no one has ever looked in my eyes like I'm the most wonderful thing they've ever seen and said that to me. Like I'm the center of their world.... Oh fuck, if this is real it's fare too real.

"Jarod please don't close me off. Please I'm not lying all I want is a chance. A chance if you feel you can't return my feelings I'll back off. Just a chance Baby please."

I hate Baby as a term of endearment, I always have. It sounds patronizing and far too generic. Yet in John voice is sends shivers down my spine. Who am I kidding really? This is John, my John remember? I've been waiting for him. Waiting for him to pull down the walls around me.

"You don't need a one John. You already have me." The explicit joy on his face lighting up his whole body he gently pulls me into him tucking my head under his chin. I sigh in contentment closing my eyes, his embrace is warm my eyes feel heavy and I yawn into his chest.

John's movements stir me out of deep sleep; I can't even recall dropping off. He's sitting on the edge of my bed slipping on his shoes. I watch him bent over, god this man is beautiful, more beautiful than barista John. Well to me anyway not that there's any difference between the two... probably.

"Good morning Baby." His morning smile is just as warm as all the others. "I have to get home and freshen up before my shift starts." He says reaching back to stroke my hair and I'm just lying there grinning. In a moment he's gone but he'll be back, he'll always come back from now on.

For the next few hours past breakfast and lunch I rest in bed. Which constitutes of staring out of the window with a stupid happy grin slapped on my face. Time just drifts by...

The clock announces visiting hours and I listen to the footfalls in the hall, muffled conversations drafting out of the rooms. An animated discussion nears my door, I know those voices I'm glad to hear them though they weren't the voice I'd been hoping for. Kaleena and Devin enter the room, happy to see me looking better than I had yesterday. They keep me occupied for a while filling me in on what I've missed at school, you know the usual. My dad joins us and sits beside me in his usual silent manner. Listening, smiling, nodding not really participating in the conversation but part of it in his own way. John walks in a little later clad in his rather appetizing nurse scrubs, they're light green today.

"Hi guys." He greetw the room in general earning a trio chorus of "Hi John." I guess I have missed some things while I was out. Kaleena moves out of his way, making room for him to stand at my side making a show of checking all the equipment. Noting my vitals, touching me to check my pulse. I slowly flip my hand to grasp his as I had before. Again he doesn't pull away just smiles and squeezes back. He's been gone half a day and I can't believe I've missed him or had to miss him all that time.

"I have to finish my rounds baby but I'll be back soon ok?" He says I'm just happy to hear his voice. Man this is ridiculous I'm being ridiculous. He leans in to kiss my forehead the gesture is loving and sweet and I'm melting right there in front of my family. My eyes trail him as he leaves the room. My surroundings flow back into focus and I realize I'm being gawked at. Kaleena's mouth has dropped wide open ready to catch flies any second now. Devin is surprised but has a smirk decorating his face and Dad well dad has an odd look about him something between happy and baffled.

"What?" Of course I know damn well what but still. Their shock is a little overkill.

Kaleena waves her arm to the door. "But - that's John!"

"Yes that's John." I giggle at her shocked expression.

"He called you baby!" She informs me, as if I hadn't noticed. I shrug in respond, who cares what he calls me as long as it's John doing the naming he can call me Mr. Fuck-Bunny for all I care.

"I knew it!" Devin smirks, I'm not used to his smirks they're mostly not directed to me. It's not an evil smirk though it's a satisfied one.

When Dad speaks it isn't what I was expecting him to say either.... "Don't you two have class soon?" he reminds them pointedly checking his watch. Devin resorts to dragging the babbling Kaleena out of my hospital room, she eventually left with a firm promise this was going to be discussed later. That is going to be interesting...

Once alone in the room the two of us quickly slide back into our usual non-verbal communication. When I was a lot younger I'd always try to fill in these silent lulls. He'd nod and hm'd his through my mostly one-sided conversation. On day totally out of the blue; "What are you planning for your date with Ben?"
I hadn't actually come out to my dad, I didn't know I'd talked about Ben so much either. I'd never actually said the worse "I have a date with Ben this Friday." But I did have a date with Ben that Friday and I realized dad had always listened to everything I ever said. Thinking back on it I'd been talking about him for weeks. I'm a lot more comfortable with the silences now, if he wants to know anything he'll ask. Just like now.

"So." He cleared his throat. "John huh?"

"Yes." I say studying my cast.

He was still for a while seemingly playing with this fingers. "Good."

"Oh?" Verbal acceptance of anyone I've ever brought home was a non-entity. This was in fact a first. Again he paused the conversation in his usual manner only speaking when he knew exactly what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it.

"He was in your dream wasn't he?"

"What?"

"He was there wasn't he during those months of your six day sleep?"

I honestly didn't know what to say to this or how to answer. Dad, Devin and Kaleena were all in my dream but I knew them before the accident. I'd never met John before how could he rationally appear in my dream?

"I flew back immediately when I was told..." he motioned to my cast arm. "arriving the next day. John was in an out of your room every chance he got. Checking equipment, checking vitals, making you comfortable... Obviously using anything he could think of to be near you." He paused probably unused to making such a lengthy speech. "I found him here one night, holding your hand talking to you like he knew you, like he was in your head with you."

"You didn't think that was strange?"

"Of course I did. It was strange."

"... and?" ... what! I'm curious.

"It didn't matter, I saw the look on his face. I knew." Dad smiled. "That aside you seemed to react to him just being in the room. You're pulse strengthened, your colour returned, Kaleena swore you smiled once."

Oh...huh "I don't know what to say." I really don't my mind is a blank.

"You don't need to, I don't know what you experienced but we all like John. Whatever he is he's good people."

Don't think in my stunned state I didn't catch that.

"W-What?"

"Does it matter?" Dad asked with a shrug, I never really realized how alike we are until this very moment. What did it matter what John was. He's John. Our John. My John.

"Not really." I grin. I love that our favorite nurse chose that moment to reappear; the room brightens as he walks in but that may have been my imagination.

A warm bed, soft sheets ... I'm waking slowly. I love this bed, we bought it months ago and I still marvel sleeping in it like we did the very first time. The bed is one thing but what makes it a good thing, an amazing thing are the arms I feel slide around me under the sheets. Man I love those arms; I love being held by them. I still marvel in it like I did the first time.

"Good morning Baby." The voice, you could say the voice I fell in love with, is deep and manly especially in the mornings. His hands roam my body, his chest is pressed against my back with some measure of urgency. Grinding his own excitement into me, feeling his hardness poking me fueling my own. Lips on my neck nibbling softly if I wasn't already laying down I'd be melting with this attention. One hand slips between my thighs as the other latches itself onto my right nipple. Which has me squirming and panting against him, he loves my reactions and I know it. Once his hand abandons their massaging motions near my groan to center its focus on now very hard dripping morning glory. I moan to the touch, which only spurs him on. His grind becomes hungry, his hands possessive. He likes to be the aggressor sometimes and I like to let him. He slides into me easily, still slippery from celebrating our anniversary last night. I groan from the invasion loving every single bit of it.

"Oh ... baby..." he whispers licking my ear. I hated Baby as a term of endearment, I always had. This man makes me crave it. He holds me so tight I can hardly move but it doesn't matter his movement's take me along with him. Sliding in and out, jacking me with ever thrust. What a way to wake up and I haven't even opened my eyes yet. My orgasm is approaching and he can feel it, he wants it before he gives over to release himself.

Its building and building I'm right on the edge one... more... thrust... I burst emptying my sac in tune to my lungs. I constrict around him milking him with every rope I plaster on our bed. It only entices him, thrusting faster grabbing my hips now his hand is free from my spent cock. Before long he loses control trembling as he blasts deep inside me in one last hard drive!
Recovering coming down from our highs I let him slip out of me.

I turn to kiss my man.

My John.

******

I hope you enjoyed this story cause I had fun writing it!
This is a piece of fiction. My piece of fiction which may not be borrowed, altered, taken or copied without my explicit permission.

I'd LOVE feedback! Let me know what you think and have a wonderful day!