Diversions

Author's Noted: Now and then I have a taste for the bizarre that doesn't involve a story: This is one of them. For those who worry about my tendency to long reads, Don't.

I don’t know, just like to do it I guess. Don’t even remember the first time but its been some little while….when I was 15? Had to have been around then cuz that’s about when my cock would have been big enough. Oh, sure, before that, blunted tooth picks, a glass thermometer (Which I wore inside some bikini underwear under my pants. Cheap thrill every time something bumped that area. Guess glass for those things was sturdier than I thought. Also probably a really stupid idea but yet...I’d do it again. Now. Older. Change some things. No underwear,  everyday commando and get whatever I think would feel....good stuck up enough so my slit closes over the end. )

Not everything held a fascination, partly because there was an obvious danger-but….some of the ideas, although I knew I could only do them once...were appealing. Still are. Common sense ruled out a lot of just plain stupid ideas; putting a long wooden fireplace match in then lighting it. For one, the wood isn’t smooth and before I could get to the flame part, I’d have splinters all through my urethra-explain that at an ER. And that was another thing, I knew that if I had to seek physical, medical help, the problems it would bring to me would not be worth it. I’ve known too many guys who attempted to cut off their nuts, didn’t succeed and ended up on a 72 hour psychiatric hold. Oh, even though they failed, in one sense they succeeded, they were sterile; Eunuchs with mauled balls. Like my nuts, making my hand into a cup shape and cradling them starts many, many pleasant….incidents.

By 20 I’d found a mate who had most  of the ‘tastes’ I had, not precisely the same, but the virtue to both of us was that it added a pair of hands to do for you what you might not be able to do for yourself. Self bondage for example is great but….if you have something in mind to do to or with yourself after you’re cuffed, having a buddy to finish it off is..helpful. (They don’t have to like/understand/approve of this activity, they just need to be there to finish off what you cannot. Then go away. After they've fucked you as your cannot resist.) Also, we found a mutual interest in masturbation, often having, not contests, but times when we started at a certain time then pulled our cocks until they would not stay even close to firm, the smell of decaying smell of semen coming up from the floor, the pain becoming a challenge, the flesh beginning to tear….And afterwards to have your friend simultaneous massage your whole crotch with oil or lotion or something soft, restorative. Finally finger fuck each other-some interesting things to be done with something as simple as that though you might not think it-a well equipped kitchen is a gift to anyone looking for unusual ‘toys’.

Using an old fashioned rolling pin, standing back to back, we fucked ourselves; As I said, just take things from the drawers, hold them up then apply your own imagination or creativity. He suggested, after a too enthusiastic weekend involving six large cans of Crisco and a linoleum floor, plus two men on same....that we put in some sort of sleeping arrangement, hammocks perhaps. (For our purposes, all the cooking programs were without usefulness as what they turned out, good as it probably was, had no application to our home life; Their rather mundane use of, say, a potato ricer, gave us no hints….and apart from getting your ass warmed by an oven on broil….pointless.)

This isn’t to say we didn’t enjoy good old fashioned straight sex, the sort mom and pop probably practiced, but given the access to things mom and pop would never have recognized, why not try them? (One of the on going questions of every adult, or so we found, was that no other adult could imagine their parents ‘doing it’. Why? To wonder that is to assume they came from another source even if both parents were flaming red heads as was the person who couldn’t imagine their ‘doing it’. You don’t need DNA to figure that one out, not even a lively imagination…)

Too, the media was a bastion of ideas we couldn’t, and perhaps shouldn’t, have thought up. Example: There was a picture of a man’s cock with a substantial Prince Albert piercing attached to the bull ring in the nose of, presumably, his partner. Common sense tells you this is, at best, very limiting, but we tried it, had a buddy, who could hardly stop laughing, photograph it. What we got from that, apart from an interesting picture. we blew up, had put on glass, then hung in the bathroom (to the considerable surprise of many, some of whom were sufficiently sophisticated that this should have been amusing rather than shocking.), was good sized holes in one cock and one nose. (Subsequently we had both done for those days when something matching seemed a good idea. For attention, wearing a large Prince Albert under a Speedo then going to a pool or a beach is hard to match should you want what your fellow pool and beach goers try to surreptitiously see but pretend to ignore. No way….but it was amusing to watch them try.

Still it was that small hole in what, we hoped, were large cocks that riveted our attention. Widening the aperture...as well as the tube that led to it was an ongoing process. What the sex trade couldn’t supply we improvised or made from what, to us, seemed obvious items; Everyone knows how to use a Foley Catheter (we had a selection of them) but how many knew to make the bubble that keeps it in work going the other direction? We’d insert one, get the bubble opened then slowly begin to blow up the part of the cath that came out until we got a nice stretch on the interior. (An easily acquired, used is fine, air pump is the thing that’s needed. You quickly, like after one time, realize that inflating a catheter is not the equivalent of blowing up too many balloons for the birthday party for a child. [However, practicing on weather balloons will give you lung strength that allows you, when with an unsuspecting partner, to redefine ‘blow job.])

On some occasions, after we’d flipped a still sealed condom to see who was going to bottom-we always put the sealed elastic back, we were loyal to each other-usually-so going bareback was the norm-we’d spend some time wondering whether a permanently widened piss chute was altogether a good thing? Sure, it could allow us to insert surprisingly large things but….if that were possible, then it also excluded the discreet pleasure of smaller, more unusual bits and pieces. (My buddy, Sam, sorry, I forgot to introduce him,) really got off on having something up his cock that had the narrowest of openings itself; When you needed to take a leak, this very tiny hole forced the piss to gallop out and go a lot further. Once, on a bet, someone who knew us but should have known not to make it, challenged him to stand on one side of the men’s can at a football stadium and piss into the urinal without dripping on the floor. Quickest fifty he ever made even though it took longer to unload.

We were hardly quiet about our modest kink, after all we had to listen to our buddies tell us at length about their, to us, vanilla sex lives that never got further than good ole ‘fuck ‘n suck’. We did that too but more as an after thought to what we’d already done. The obvious must be when you’re playing around with your dick, sure there’s pleasure but eventually too much handling leads to shooting your wad….and for a time after that….nap or, as mentioned above, hit the kitchen to see what might be used in an interesting way when our buddies arose once again. A friend, who knew us rather more intimately than most, once commented that every time he saw us, his only thought was what did we have stuck up where. Rather snidely he pointed out that we each had three more holes, nose and mouth, that went unused. Or….he thought that until in an informal bondage afternoon, we demonstrated the error of his thinking…...while we didn’t actually do it, his expression when he felt a garter snake was about to slither into his nasal passages was….interesting. On the more boring side, he got an apple stuck in his mouth while his naked body was slathered with barbecue sauce. But anyone could think of that. Unless, of course, he was the centerpiece on a buffet table for a luncheon we were giving…..Everyone noticed.

Our cocks remained the centre of our attention....widened or not, it was hard to go through the specialty cooking equipment at any fancy grocery or cooking store without looking at something we'd never seen and thinking...."I wonder where that could go....and how deep?"