The colour of collars

THE COLOUR OF COLLARS

Part V

Months. 

It’s been months. Months without a word of even a single letter, threat or ‘package’ from T.S.

I sat cross-legged on Niko’s bed taking a long look around the room. I can safely say I love his place. It isn't only a matter of size although it is noticeably largen than my place. It's the feel of the place. The cosiness it exudes and the warmth radiating form every wall. I earn a decent wage and my place reflects that. His place well, lets say I’d almost choked when I found out how much he earns. I should have become a skilled worker. Pays better than my current job.

Then again there are only a few things that I can do well with my hands. Niko doesn’t complain though, quite the opposite in fact.

I survey the bedroom again. Niko sleeps on the left side of the bed and I on the right. My clothes hang in his closet.  My shoes stand by the door. In the bathroom I have own toothbrush, shaving cream and cologne. We share the medicine cabinet. I have a workplace setup in the living room. I even do my laundry here. My undies poking out of Niko's hamper reinforce that statement.

When though? When had I moved in?

It feels natural for me to be here yet I don’t think we’ve ever discussed it. Nilo's never made an issue out of it and I’ve caught myself picturing Niko’s place when I'm thinking about ‘home’ more than once and it puzzles me.

This is Home.

How odd. My own apartment never felt so homey to me as much as this place did. Not that I was complaining but I wondered what Niko's thoughts are on this. He's not one to hide his feelings. He should be charging me rent at any rate.

Checking the clock I see it’s almost 10 and I’m still in my sleeping shorts. Well it is Saturday and unlike Niko I had no emergency work to attend to. Speaking of which he’ll probably be home soon.

There I said it again. Home.

I hop out of bed and take a quick shower. Niko had been quiet as a mouse this morning,  I’ve growled at him often enough, so the fact that I’m not a morning person has been driving home. It’s the only time of day when the claws come out, maliciously that is.

After a very relaxing yet short shower I throw on some clothes and brush my teeth. Doing so my eyes wander to the small collection of products on the shelf next to the mirror. After spitting and rincing I reach for his cologne. I uncap it and take whiff.

Terre D’Hermes

The scent alone makes my heart rise up. I smell it every time I bury my nose in his neck which I do as often as I can. It’s my favourite place to be. There are many things that make me feel like a lovesick fool for Niko but there are only two things I’ll always carry with me.

Just like you can feel a kiss long after it’s been given. A particular scent can flood you with essence of a certain person. This scent will always be Niko to me.

After I throw on some clothes I notice a pile of my dirty laundry and decide to wash them adding Niko’s to fill the machine. Once in the kitchen I make coffee and try to decide what lunch will be today. I smile to myself while I’m inspecting the contents of the fridge. I feel like a housewife awaiting her husband’s imminent arrival. I look down at my toes. I’m even barefoot, not pregnant though and not likely to be so, but still practice makes perfect!

It’s almost noon when the door opens and slams shut. Ah, not a happy camper today it seems. I hear the dull thud of his work shoes dropping to the floor, the jingle of his keys and the rustles of his coat. Then a shuffling as he enters the kitchen and his body wrapping around mine as I stir the soup on the stove.

“Hey Sexy.” He murmurs against the skin of my exposed neck. I relax against him and press my head back in return affection.

“Hey. How was your appointment this morning?”

I get an angry grunt for a reply so I’m guessing it didn’t go too well. “I love my job but I don’t always like my clients.” he grumbles still holding me tight.

“That bad huh?”

“This one actually sabotaged her own house so I’d come over. I swear what the hell it is with these suburban housewives! Do their husbands not take care of their needs and why do they think that my company is an escort service!”

I laugh at his exasperation. “To think they are the wrong gender to even entice you.”

He lets go of me and slumps next to the stove resting against the counter. “Trust me, I wish it were just women.’ He sighs popping an errand cherry tomato in his mouth from the bowl.

I stop tiring the soup frozen, “You’re kidding?” Suddenly the situation doesn’t seem as funny anymore.

However my reaction brings Niko out of his sour mood. “Don’t worry Sexy” he says kissing my cheek. “I’m a one man guy, always have and always will be.”

I sheepishly grin at him averting my eyes. Good answer.

“Have you ever slept with a client in the passed?” I shouldn’t have asked the question I knew it the second it left my lips. I should not have asked that question. He gives me a quiet studied look before answering.

“Never on the job but did end up dating one of them for a while.”

“Oh” Is all I manage as I keep my eyes on the soup I’m by now needlessly stiring. Niko’s arms encircle me again as he moves behind me

“It didn’t work out which is for the best cause last I heard he’s madly in love with his now husband just like I am with you.”

Ok, this time I’m grinning ear to ear. “Good now take a shower you need one.”

“Yes, sir!” he quips slapping my cheeks he moves away. “I think I’ll needs some help mind.”

“Help?” I frown watching him back away.

“You know with those hard to reach places.” He wiggles is eyebrows and I’m about to tell him I’ve already taken a shower when I stop myself. Sometimes it takes awhile for my brain to catch up with itself. 

Green

Damn he’s seen me.

Damn he’s seen me and taking notice.

Damn he’s stopped walking. He’s thinking.

Damn he's crossing the street.

Damn he’s looking good this morning.

“Mr. Surette?” I look up from my crouch into the tall frame of Detective McAdams.

“Good morning Detective.” I smile wiping me grubby hands clean with a rag I carry in my toolkit. I stand up from my work with the waterpumps. He’s tall I’ve always known he’s tall. Even when we sat across from each other at Aunt Clea’s kitchen table all those months ago. Standing in front of him like this though with the sun in my eyes backlighting him, he strikes nothing less but an imposing figure. “Police force keeping you busy even on a Saturday?” I smile trying to think of pleasant chitchat. Pleasant chitchat’s never been my forte. Or even general chitchat or any kind of chitchat for that matter. It that why a kitkat is named a kitkat cause you eat while you chitchat?

Ok, where the hell did that come from?

“Just catching up on some paperwork. Sometimes I think that all I do anymore is write reports. You on shift today I see.”

“Usually I don’t work weekends but these waterpumps are fickle and seem to only respond to me so I get draften in when their not cooperating. Come rain or shine.” See this isn’t so difficult. Plaster on a smile, try to look as genuine as possible and maybe he’ll think I’m a regular normal person or at least human. Human would be good.

The fact I want him to think I’m a regular normal person is a dead give away from what my actual feelings are. Those don't see the light of day.

He nods and for a very awkward moment silence falls between us.

I crouch down again, anything to break this awkward moment and start to pack up my kit. “I’m done here actually. So I’m officially off duty.”

“You free for lunch?” the question is quick and almost blurted out. 

Surprised I look up from my crouching tiger position, his eyes as wide as mine. As if he’s startled by his own question.

“I’m free.”

For a moment he doesn’t seem to know how to follow up on that. 

“I just need to drop my kit off at work first. Detective.”

“It’s Brian when I’m off the clock.” He interjects “Where’s work? I could meet you there is you want?”

“Tell you what? Do you know the ramen place on Mercury Street?” He nods silently. “Well it’s just around the corner from my work so how about if I meet you there in 20?”

“Sure.”

No more is said while I pack up and we wave a see you soon. I know my exterior is calm. I know my smile is fixed and my body language is neutral. Inside however I’m a whirl of emotions. I’m hardly holding on to my sanity and I don’t know what to do. How can I look and sound so calm when all I feel is turmoil?

Red

This is no big deal.

I squeeze the steeringwheel of my car until my knuckles whiten.

This is no big deal. This is lunch.

I start the engine and give my full attention to the road. I'm a cop, that is what we do. Mercury street isn’t far. It’s actually just a few streets from my own apartment, I know the ramen shop. I’ve been there many times, great place. I try to concentrate on what I’ll order while pushing any of all other thoughts out of my mind.

That’s what I am though, out of my mind. Out of my mind to walk over to Eben as I saw him working and out of my mind to strike up a conversation, I was even more mental when I asked him out to lunch.

It had slipped out of my mouth before I’d even thought the thought. How is that even possible? I park and takes some deep breaths .

This is no big deal Brian. This is lunch, just lunch.

I take a quiet table out of the way inside the shop which isn’t unusual for me, I always take this table. First time though that I’ll be sharing it. I wait. It hasn’t been 15 minutes yet so I’m not surprised he hasn’t arrived.

I shouldn’t have asked him to lunch. I shouldn’t have asked the one guy I very much wanted to ask.  This is a mistake.

“Hey, good table.” I’m shaken out of my silent self disparagement by his voice right next to me.

“Yeah, I always get this table far enough from the kitchen and the door to be left alone.” I babble. I don’t usually babble it’s a bad habit especially as a cop. I just shut my mouth and watch as he sits down across from me. He’s changed out of his workuniform and freshened up some. We order when the server comes by and again an awkward silence falls between us.

God, this was a bad idea. What was I thinking! That's just it I wasn't thinking. 

I check my watch to note the time,  a not so inconspicuous act so it seems.

“Are you in a hurry?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry that was rude of me. I have a basketball game this afternoon and was just calculating what time I have to leave to get there before it starts.”

He perks up and I see a glimmer of genuine excitement in his eyes, even a real smile. The second that smile hits me I feel it. IA crack, a crack in my own strongly held façade. My curtain of illusion.

“Basketball!” he chirps, yes chirps, definitely a chirp, a very chirpy chirp too. From then on the conversation flows easily. He loves basketball but doesn’t get to play often. The topic of our talk shifts as we eat to just about anything you could think of. He tells me of his work, his motorcycle about which I bombarde him with questions about and before I know it it’s already been 2 hours. Two hours of fun conversation is something I haven’t experienced in a very long time. It’s in a way relaxing, exciting an enticing all at once.

“I’m sorry Eben, I need to get going to catch my game.”

“Oh, of course. I’m sorry for holding you up.”

“No!” I exclaim a little too venemently. “No, you didn’t hold me up at all. I really enjoyed our lunch.”

“Where you playing?” He asks as we pay our bill and head out to our respective cars.

“At the Hill Side community center. It’s just a friendly game just intramural anyone is welcome to join. In fact…” I linger again about to say something I shouldn’t but on the other hand he had expressed a longing to play again. “You’re welcome to come along if you want. That is if you haven’t planned anything else for today. We’re always short on guys to fill the teams.”

His eyes light up yet I see hesitation. I fumble with my keys, damn I shouldn’t have asked him that. I should not have as-

“Sure, I’ll join. Hill Side is practically around the corner from my place. I’ll grab my stuff and meet you there ok?”

I nod but he’s already heading towards his car and I watch as he drives off. My own ride to the center happens in a daze. Ok, calm the fuck down.

It’s just a game. It was just lunch. Nothing special. Nothing to get wound up about.

He’s a nice guy. He seems like he’d be a great friend. You could use a great friend, Brian. You could use someone to talk to that isn’t a fish. 

Eben enters the court already dressed in his basketball kit, he must have changed at home. I always carry my stuff with me in the car so I can change anywhere. Meanwhile I try not to stare, I really do. I try not to notice his shapely legs and firm build. I try not to notice the change in his walk, now light and airy in anticipation of the game. I try not to notice how the tanktop he’s wearing is giving his torso him a very nice definition more than any other tank I’ve ever seen. I guess there is something to the notion of covering up to enhance allure.

I try not to, but I notice all of this.

Whilst dividing the teams as we end up on opposite sides, the general agreement is shirts vs skins. I’m on the shirts team. A hand grabs me and drags me just outside the teams circle and Eben’s stricken face alarms me instantly. This isn’t the Eben from lunch this is an entirely different Eben. A foreign one.

“Brian, can we change teams.” It’s more of a plea not a question.

“Why what’s wrong?”

“Nothings wrong, I just... I can’t be on a skins team. I just can’t.” His voice cracks, his eyes dart wildly from me to the others and back again. I’ve seen this look before, I’ve comforted, confronted and even arrested people with this look before

Fear.

Pure unadulterated fear. It’s taken over his whole body, quivering, he’s scared on the verge of panic.

“Please, Brian.” He pleads once again squeezing my arm desperately. I glance the tail of a scar under the left collar bone and I think I understand.

In this moment I have to be the other me. The façade. The strong one.

“Ok, ok we’ll switch.” I pat his hand resssuredly before returning to the group joking with the guys coming up with some excuse to switch teams with Eben. I can’t even remember what I’d said to make it happen. Yet it happened.

During the game the scared Eben of before disappears entirely, once more I see a different persona of Eben. He transforms on the court, he’s focused, he’s lithe and light on his feet. Flying from one basket to the other.

When his team scores I see something which makes my façade crack again. It doesn’t crumble yet it cracks. I see glee. I see joy in his spontaneous and grandiose smile. It hits me like a bolder hitting a wall crumbling it to pieces. It makes me stop dead in my tracks and for a split second everything else simply slips away. In that split second there is only Eben, Eben with bright shining eyes and a smile that could lift the moon.

The next second I’m flat on my back on the court, wheezing.

You don’t freeze on a court standing in the path of an unassuming team member and stand there for very long. I look up to a hand stretched out before me. It isn’t my unassuming team member helping me up, it’s Eben. Of course it’s Eben. He pulls me up with more strength than I’d have given him credit for, then is a flash he’s off again.

I have to give it to him. The guy sure can run.

Green

After the game I excuse myself from changing in the communal area. I walk home happily exhausted from the exercise of the game. We didn’t win but it didn’t matter. That kind of thing never has matter to me. I had a lot of fun playing and that’s the point of a game isn’t it. Many people don’t seem to get that.

There was a slight look of apprehended disappointment in Brian’s eyes as I left. I can’t quite figure him out. Not that I’m any better with figuring myself out that is.

He’s a good man. I feel close it him in some odd way. As if we’re both in the same boat, drifting rudderless in the ocean. Why is that?

Blue

The doorbell rings and whip my hands on a kitchen towel as I make my way from the kitchen to the hall. Some silly guy must have forgotten his keys again, I smile to myself. My smile however turns stagnant as on my doorstep I’m not looking into the chocolate eyes of the person I’m expecting.

“Eben?”

“Er… Hi Niko. Err… Is Max here? I.. I tried his place but he never seems to be home and Aunty said he’s probably be here … so… er…” the poor man trails off doing his best impression of anxiously  scared bunny rabbit.

“He’s actually out right now but I’m expecting him back any moment. Do you want to wait?”

He hesitates clearly thinking it over. Looks ready to run to be honest so I make the decision for him. Easier all round.

“Come on get in, I’ll grab you a beer.”  I turn around before he can protest.

I hear the door close behind me. “Actually got any whiskey in the house?” he asks. How can a man sound so utterly exhausted and not actually look it.

“Whiskey does sound good.” Kevin remarks from the living room, surprising Eben.

“You’ve got company? You should have said, I don’t want to intrude.” He’s already backtracking to the door.

“Eben, please just sit down. Ignore Kevin I mostly do.”

“Yes, just ignore me. I’m only the closest thing this idiot has for a brother.”

“They say you can’t chose your family but you can chose your friends. Remind me when I actually chose you to be my surrogate brother Kev?”

“When you grabbed my weewee when we were nekkid in the bath and called it a water-sword”

"I never!"

"As I live and breathe. Water-sword. Then proclaimed a duel between our prospective water-swords. I swear the signs were all there, no wonder no one was surprized when you came out." 

This has Eben relax a little with the ghost of a smile twitching his lips.

"Alright, alright enough embarrassing baby stories. Eben is going to think his cousin hitched up with a complete moron."

"Oh? I though that was a moot point." a remark which earned Kev a very satisfying slap on the head.

Eben takes a seat in one of the errant armchairs around the coffee table. I poor three glasses of whiskey on the rocks and set them down before taking a seat myself. 

"Come one spil it." Kev demands with is usual delicatesse. 

Eben frons as Kev is staring straight at him. "What?"

"You have something on your mind and it seems to be driving you crazy inside. So just get it out and so can deal with what the problem is." Kev's tone isn't mocking nor is it impatient or patronisng. He's serious. For all Kevin is and for all he's worth, he always surprises me at the weirdest moments. Silence. Which I can't blame Eben for I'm about to change to subject cause this isn't fair on the guy but Kev doesn't let me.

"Look you don't know me, I don't know you. We've never met before today. You know pretty boy over here well enough but he doesn't really matter at the moment."

"Great way to make a man feel loved Kev." I pipe up trying to bring a tension reliever into the conversation but Kev glares at me giving me a clear signal I'm to shut up for the time being. So I just nod my head and take a back seat.

Eben swirls his whiskey around and around in thought. Kev doesn't pressure him or urge him one. He gives Eben some headspace.

When even does speak his demeanor and voice have morphed into this place emotionless state.

"My dad was," he takes a sip of his glass before continuing. "a little strict." He pauses again then looks up to me. "I think he must have seen those signs in me from an early age. Cause any and every memory I have is him trying to beat it out of me."

My eyes widen. I know for a fact Max doesn't know this. He's talked to me in length about Eben it would be something Max would be torn up about if he knew.

"And it worked." He sighed slumping into his armchair. I'm about to protest when Kev gestures me to keep silent.

"I don't date. I don't date anyone for that matter. I've never dated anyone. Every time I think of dating or even raise interest in someone. I have " he gulps down some more whiskey. "scares that remind me of why that's a bad idea." he looks up a Kev, Kev gives him a silent indication with his chin. Eben grips his glass while the minutes stretch out. Finally he pulls down the collar of his shirt to reveal a zigzag scare running laced across his chest.

Kev whistles softly "Wow, that is nasty. The other one must be really bad." Eben eyes snap up panic visibly wrecking his body.

"Don't worry Eben I wouldn't ask you to show it to me."

I'm lost through the words they aren't speaking out loud, so I remain quiet. Eben seems to relax a little as he drains his glass and I stand to refill it. Poor bastard needs this more than I ever will.

"It is. It is bad. Not something easily hidden from a lover." Eben sighs

"Who is he?" Kev askes keeping his voice low and soft. I frown at the question. What is Kev getting at Eben hasn't shown any interest in anyone. Surely Max would have known about that they've been thick as thieves since they reconnected. He would have told me if there was a potentiel girlfriend on the horizon. I open my mouth but Eben beats me to it. Yet not in the way I was expecting.

"Brian McAdams." 

My mouth remains open and I replay the last few minutes of our conversation in my head. I almost face-palm right then and there. Man i'm being thick tonight!

"Detective McAdams?" I ask incredulously. 

Eben nods and Kev nods and I sit back in my seat astonished.

"I know him, stationed at Cloister Park right."

Eben nods and the only though I have running through my mind is. You poor bastard. You managed to fall in love with most straight man I've ever seen.

White

It's such a beautiful day today. I almost skip through the shop picking up various foodstuff to magic dinner with. I'm happily humming reading the labels of the two contenders for tonights wine. One fruity yet dark red and one spicy yet light rosé. Choices, Choices!

My phone rings and i pick up while I deposit the spicy yet light rosé into my cart, let's live a little!

"Hey sis what sup?" My mood crashed down around me as I try to make out what my sister is trying to say though the sobs. I slam he phone shut and abandon my laden cart in the middel of the shop. Once in my car I rev the engine and try to remember the route to Red Oak Hospital.

TBC

Note from author:

I know it has been MONTHS! Life happens sometimes in the best possible ways. During these absent months of mine so many milestones haves been reached and succeeded. Which mean a very very happy little author right here yet not much time for writing! I hope to kickstart myself a little with this. A good thing about a hiatus is lots of inspiration equals lots ideas that need writing!

Colour of Collars will have one more part to it's series. I hope to post it's finale soon. After that I'm not going to be posting series too much. I'll try my best to finish a story before submitting so I won't let any story linger one like this one has.

 > Special thanks to Anon3 who's been reminding me this story is worth finishing <

Yes I periodically do check in on the comments. They me drive to write on.

All and any feedback is welcomed, comment and/or email me. PLEASE!

Suggestions, tips or even a chat you know how to find me.

This is a piece of fiction. My piece of fiction which may not be borrowed, altered, taken or copied without my explicit permission. These stories are registered under my name.

A. Sonky