Broken Wings

I remember the day like it was yesterday. We were 18, just shy of graduation, two boys sitting too close in a barn, lost in our own world.

James Abrams was a sweet boy, too sweet for the hard life on the farm. 5'10 and 210 with sandy blonde hair and light brown eyes. Two chipped teeth in the front from a fall over a rake as a kid, and a checkmark scar over his eye from a fight with his older brother. He wasn't perfect, but he was so handsome to me.

I wasn't too bad to look at either; he often told me how sexy he thought I was. Standing at 6'2 and 250, I was an offensive lineman on the football team. I had buzzed black hair with light blue eyes. A slightly crooked nose from a football injury, and ears that were slightly too big for my liking.

We sat cross-legged on the ground facing each other, holding hands and trading gentle kisses. The moment was perfect. I still remember the way the sun shone through the slats on the roof and the smell of oil and hay. It may sound like an odd combination, but it was all I needed. We brought our heads together, looked into each other's eyes, and whispered our secret plans for the future. We'd walk across that stage and run to my jeep and drive away from this town forever. Head to Austin and live our lives. But we were children, children that should have been paying more attention.

James's skin goes cold, and suddenly he pushes me to the right just in time to miss the hammer that came flying towards me. We jumped up to see Jame's dad reaching for another tool as he screams at us. I don't remember what he said, but I remember letting go of James's hand and running out the back door. I ran until my chest ached and I reached my jeep. When I turned back, James was nowhere to be found. I feared the worst, but I couldn't stay. I also knew I couldn't go home. James's dad would call mine, and my dad wouldn't tolerate a fag living in his house. I panicked.

Speeding home, I was relieved to see no one home. I ran upstairs and packed the few belongings I had. An old bible, the three books I owned, gifts from friends across high school, and two days' worth of clothes. I grabbed a piece of paper and went to my mother's bible. I quickly wrote her a note, slid it into her favorite verse, and placed it on the bed. I didn't realize it until that moment, but tears had started to run down my face.

I made my way downstairs, and just as I'm headed out the backdoor the front door comes flying open and I heard my father angrily call my name. Fear grips me, and I run out the back door and towards my jeep. I jump inside, crank it, and reverse wildly past his truck and through my mother's flowers. I faintly hear my father screaming my name as he runs around the back of the house, but it's too late; I shift into drive and drive away for what I thought would be forever. Headed towards Austin.

* * * *

Yes sir, I'd like to enlist in the Army. I don't have anything worth staying for.

* * * *

For the next 7 years, I served my country. I got my GED. And I drowned my guilt in the blood and dirt of war. My mother wrote me in secret every month. I only wrote her back once to let her know I was out of the army and gave her my new phone number. She would call me in secret every Sunday and every time I would let her go to voicemail and listen to them back. I was still a coward.

Three months into me trying and failing to start a new life for myself in Austin she didn't call on Sunday. Two days went by and she finally called, this time I answered. She was sobbing.

"Will, your father is gone. A stroke took him. Please come home."

**********************************************************************

I started the five-hour drive. I zoned out to music and try not to think about what awaits me when I arrive.

Before I know it, I'm pulling into my little town that's not so little anymore. I found it hard to believe that things could change so much in 7 years, but here I was looking at all the new chains and suburbs that had popped up. People seeking a taste of the country life. I had to pull up my GPS to make my way to my mom's house. As I turn the corner filled with large trees there are more houses, fewer fields, and many more people with kids playing on the sidewalk and dads mowing lawns. It's a different world.

I pull up in front of the house and sit in the jeep taking deep breathes before I face her. Finally, I grow a pair and hop out of the jeep with my duffle bag. I walk up the drive and notice she regrew the tulips I drove through that day. I knock on the door and anxiously wait for the anger she must have towards me.

"You finally came back home".

She looked so much older than the woman I remember from when I left. I couldn't help it, tears fell from my eyes and I started to shake. She opened the door and wrapped me in the same safe warm hug I remembered as a child. She still smelled of lavender and honey.

After a few moments, we pull apart and she pulls me inside and towards the living room. I turn the corner and see both my aunts. One with a look of disgust that she quickly washes away, and another with a look of concern that stays for the remainder of the night. I greet them both and then excuss myself to put my things away. I walk up the stairs and notice the 3rd and 7th steps still creek. Memories start flooding back to all the good times, but they disappear as I open my old bedroom door to find everything gone but a single full-sized bed. I sigh and throw my duffle on the bed and decide the head back down. The next few hours are filled with awkward conversations and avoiding both the elephants in the room.

Finally, I can't take anymore and excuse myself to go for a drive. My mother looks panicked, but I promise her I'll be back, I just need some air. I ask her if Rodeo is still open and she says it closed about two years ago, but if I head down Spur 380 there was a new place with a yellow roof. I wouldn't realize till later that my mother suggested that place on purpose. But at the moment I thanked her, grabbed up my keys, said goodbye to my aunts, and headed out into the dimming sunlight.

I drive around aimlessly for about an hour, just taking in the town and sights. I oddly don't see anyone I recognize and that calms me down a little. I let the streets naturally lead me to Spur 380 after a few wrong turns and I see the restaurant with the yellow roof. I park and hop out of the jeep and inhale the delicious smells wafting across the parking lot. Walking inside I take note of everyone and I feel a few eyes on me, but I ignore it, I won't be here that long.

The hostess takes me to a small booth in the back corner, I order a bacon cheeseburger, something I've been eating a lot of now that I'm out, and a dr pepper with fries. I sit and ponder what life is gonna be like now that my dad is gone. Before my thoughts get too dark my food comes out and I start to eat not realizing how hungry I am. I clear the plate and use the fries to soak up the juices from the burger. I lean back and close my eyes enjoying the content full feeling when I hear a voice I never thought I'd hear again. I open my eyes to see him clearing the tables near me.

"James?"

It came out before I could even think. He looks up at me drops the dishes in the tub and simply walks away towards the bathroom. I'm stunned, but I get up and follow him. Walking into the small space I see him splashing his face with water.

"James?"

He doesn't turn to look at me.

"You should never have come back. Traitor."

With that, he turns around and shoves me out of the way.

Everything from that point on until my dad's service was a blur of depression, the world feels blue, and the only thing that keeps me functioning is my mom. She's broken and needs help putting herself back together despite hiding it from the world so well.

* * * *

"Hey Will."

I hear the voice behind me as I finish shaking our Pastors hand. I slowly turn and standing there with a small girl in his arms is James. He looks better than when I saw him last week in the restaurant, but I can still see how hard these 7 years have been on him.

"Hey James, thank you for coming."

I keep it short and sweet, after what he said to me in the restaurant I couldn't figure out why he was here and I had my guard up.

"Look, I'm sorry for what I said and I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now."

Before I can answer, my mother, eyes puffy and face looking two shades too pale places her hand on my arm. I place my hand over hers and ask if she's ready to go. She says yes with a small sign and then registers that James is the one in front of us.

"Oh James, thank you for coming, it's been so long."

She moves to him with a sweet hug and a kiss on the head of the girl with her arms wrapped around his neck. She pulls back and tells him to please come back to the house for the dinner the family has planned. He starts to decline, but for some reason, my mother pushes and he finally gives in. I don't know how to feel about this, but my primary objective today and keeping my mom together.

The rest of the day was spent at the house with people coming and going, bringing more food than could fit in both our fridges. Short conversations and peoples questioning glances when they thought I wasn't looking. I caught up with a few people who were surprised the rumors about me joining the army were true, and I found out that the small girl attached to James was his three-year-old daughter with Sally. Her name was Emily and she happily ran around outside with the other kids. James stayed pretty close to her outside and I would catch glimpses of him through the window.

All too soon, the day started to leave and my mother asked all the kids to come inside. She decided she wanted to read to them so they pilled in her bedroom and she sat in her rocker and started to read. This was her happy place, she always loved kids. This was also my moment. James walked into the kitchen as I grabbed two beers and say follow me while handing him one.
We head outside beers in hand and walk out to my dad's old shop. Nothing large, just a little shed with his lawnmower and other tools for home projects. We step inside and he just leans on the old bench. The last time we were in here he was sitting naked on the bench as we had sex with wild abandon. That moment felt like a lifetime ago. He tilts his beer back and doesn't stop drinking until it's empty.

"Why'd you leave me?"

It hung in the air and pressed against my skin like cold steel.

"You know he beat me. Beat me every day. Beats me still when the mood hits him.

He sighed and looked out of the small window.

"He pulled me out of school and made me work the farm nonstop, but it didn't matter; we lost it all the same."

"James."

He cuts me off.

"I thought things would be easier when I started dating Sally. I used her to try and forget you. Got her pregnant and had Emily trying to forget you. Sally up and left town one day and never came back. So now I'm here with Emily who I can barely afford to keep fed and clothed in the same week, being beaten by my daddy, with no education and nothing to show for myself. All wishing that I could forget or hate you."

He looked so small, so haunted. He was too broken to cry... he just swayed. He closed his eyes to take a deep breath and I stepped up to him and placed my lips on his. Soft and sweet, he still tasted of cinnamon, but he didn't kiss me back. My forehead falls to his and I place one hand on the side of his face and another on his waist.

"You left me."

It was a whisper, but it was deafening to me. My mouth goes dry and I start to shake.

"I've done terrible things in the army trying to run away from the guilt I felt leaving you that day. And now I'm this close to you and I feel worlds apart. We've been breaking every day we've been apart. Please...."

This time it's his turn to kiss me. His lips feel warmer this time, more alive. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. I feel his body respond to me and it brings mine alive. We're two broken men trying to find a moment in time.

"Will, I don't know that I have anything left inside to give."

I pull his head onto my shoulder and we just rock back and forth.