A Timid Heart

The room was dark, the only light coming from the hall, the rectangular illumination lying across the floor in its oddly distorted form.  Paul had gone to the bathroom, been gone for only a minute at most, only to return and find his room in darkness. It took a few seconds for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, slowly the shapes of things coming into focus. The outline of the window backlit by the moon light, the outline of his furniture and the outline of Robbie standing by his bed.

“Close the door” Robbie uttered in a low voice, so low Paul barely heard him. He hesitated, didn’t move for he wasn’t sure what he was seeing. He saw but he didn’t, the form of Robbie before him, the pure form of body. The tall lean outline unadorned with clothing. He saw the darkness at Robbie’s crotch then slowly revealed the faint outline of cock. He saw the two nipples, darker than the surrounding skin, slowly become perceptible. He felt his heart beat speed up, the pulse of blood racing through his body as he stood holding his breath.

“Paul?”

Robbie’s voice broke the silence in the room once again and Paul became aware of the situation, he standing mute, frozen in place standing in rectangle of light and in front of him, Robbie standing naked. His mind raced in confusion, his old fears holding him in place. Slowly, the realization that no one would know what happened within his own home. No one would know if he went to Robbie. He pushed the door closed and reached for the light switch.

“No…leave the lights off” Robbie whispered. No urgency, no sense of fear, just the monotone voice he had used twice before. Dropping his hand back to his side Paul turned back to Robbie. He could see him now, ghost like in the darkness, fair skin appearing to glow. The long lean torso, the nipples that rode high on the chest and as he looked down, couldn’t stop himself, till he was looking at the flaccid cock lying over its sac, the flared head half covered in skin. Robbie’s hand came to it giving it a gentle tug.

“Paul” Robbie whispered holding out his hand; “please, come here.”

Paul fell back in time, back to the day he realized he was gay, a young adolescent lying in the floor watching television and finding himself attracted to one of the main male characters. He knew this was different, more than some fan, more than just admiration or hero worship. It was an attraction, sexual in nature, one that he felt within himself and without, an arousal that affected him in a way that scared him. He saw others who were openly gay, on television and in Atlanta when his family made the two hour trip to go into the city for one reason or another. But that was there, somewhere else, in the big cities, not in a place like his rural community.

For years he hid within himself, played the role he thought he was supposed to play, a good boy, straight, who played baseball, rode his bicycle, worked on his father’s farm driving tractors, feeding the herd, going fishing with friends and sitting in church with his family on Sunday. And he let his eyes roam, would glance around at one guy or another he found attractive, had favorite television shows based more on male characters he was infatuated and he looked out of the corner of his eyes in the dressing room so he could catch glimpses of the naked male body, fully exposed to his roaming eyes. It scared him how he could not keep himself from looking, how he found himself daydreaming of those guys, scenarios where they would be alone together, touching each other, fingers over bare flesh. He imagined the way it would lead to sex. Sex where he would give himself to one of the guys, saw himself rolling over on his back and allowing them to move on him.

When graduation came he thought life would become easier, some routine would arise that allowed him to find his place. It was worse. His classmates left for college, took jobs in nearby industry or began to farm full time with their families and they got married and within the next two years a few began their own families.  And he was alone, afraid to act out on his desires and had no willingness to live otherwise, to live a lie. He pulled back from going to church, the hell fire damnation sermons too much to endure. He went into town for lunch by himself when his parents went to church. On Saturdays he would go to movies or ride to Atlanta and roam around its malls, walk in the park and in the evening he would cruise by the gay bars and look in seeing a life he wanted, the ability to be among other guys who had the same desires, the same attractions, aroused by their own sex.

For nearly two years he circled around in this routine, searching for some way to find contentment in his life.  A month ago he went into a gay bar that was over in Macon, a small bar in the edge of town. It had been unsettling to him for the way so many watched him come in, then the way a couple of guys moved to him, giving him compliments on his appearance, teasing him for looking so young, being so cute. He should have been flattered but he was too nervous, untrusting of these men he knew nothing about. He didn’t stay thirty minutes before he fled the bar and drove home.

“It’s okay…I know.”

Paul heard Robbie, closer now, right in front of him. He saw the way Robbie’s dark brown hair fell over his forehead down into his eyes. The way his collar bone was so prominent across his upper torso and how his long neck seemed to show every aspect of its structure through the fair skin. He felt Robbie touch his hand, fingers encircling his own till they were cupped together, his within Robbie’s. There was the slight tug, a pull toward his own bed and he moved toward it. He was afraid, scared what this would mean, where it would lead. He was excited, aroused by what could happen, what Robbie was going to do. These conflicting emotions twirled around inside him till his heart beat rapidly in his chest.

The naked form leading him to his bed eased down on it, sat looking up at him. He could not see the eyes looking up but he knew without seeing they pleaded with him. ‘Yes, you know’ he thought as he moved closer till he was between Robbie’s knees. He felt them pull together touching each of his own legs. For the first time he reached out, hand shaking nervously, and gently palmed one cheek, felt the soft skin against his palm and fingers. He pushed back, felt the ear then the long hair comb between his fingers as Robbie leaned his head to his hand.  He wondered how he ever thought this person was a threat.

He knew there were hookup sites online, had surfed them so often he wondered if anyone could trace those searches back to his computer. For two years he saw the posts, men passing through wanting to hookup at the truck stop over on Highway 239 or out at the rest stop on the interstate where it passed through the next county over.  He saw some posts by some living in the region wanting to meet, just pick a place and they would be there. It had all been so tempting, seemed so simple, all he had to do was respond and he could meet another guy. For months he only looked, read the posts one after the next. None of them really appealing for there was something off about them, a casualness to them he was not interested in. He wanted something more.

Then the post hit from within in his own community. Someone he probably knew. He read the post over and over as if he could gleam who it was that had made the post. For three nights he pulled up the website and looked at it. On the fourth he replied.

It was a Saturday night and he found himself at the small park over in town, the one with baseball fields, tennis courts and small parking lots scattered around its perimeter. He had been there before, as had most when they were in high school and were out on a weekend night cruising around. The parking lots were places to meet up. But the park closed at ten and most were gone by ten thirty. He found himself there at eleven thirty, parked in the last lot out of sight in the darkness provided by the back corner. They were to meet at the parking lot by the tennis courts but Paul found himself too nervous to be sitting there waiting. He feared who the other person might be, worried it might be a trick, a means of outing him. He eased through the darkness till he was standing behind a tree watching the parking lot. He looked at his watch and saw it was eleven eighteen. He was early and wondered how long he would have to wait.

A truck turned from the main road and eased toward him. When it turned into the parking lot the security lights of the parking lot hit the truck body and he saw it was a silver Chevy, an older truck that was in good shape, after market wheels and tires setting off its lifted chassis. He immediately recognized it. It belonged to a guy from his school, someone who had been two years behind him. It was Robbie Jordan. He thought of the tall skinny guy from school, outgoing personality and very cute. Girls had flirted with Robbie incessantly. Even some girls in his own class flirted with the younger Robbie. He could not be here to meet him, ‘no way’ he thought as he hid behind the tree when the headlights moved across.  He listened as the truck pulled into a parking space and shut off. Glancing around the tree he saw Robbie get out and move to the rear of his truck, lower the tailgate and sit down. Legs dangling down Robbie sat looking back toward the main road.

Paul could not put Robbie into this role, someone out to meet another guy secretly in the park. He could not make it real as he slowly walked backward in the darkness keeping watch of Robbie, hoping not to be noticed. Four, five steps and he began to speed up, to feel confident in his escape. Then he tripped over something on the ground, a tree root or a rough place, sending him falling back on his ass. He sat up quickly seeing Robbie hop down from the tailgate and move toward him. ‘No…no…no’ he thought staggering to his feet and running back toward his car. He didn’t see Robbie stop, didn’t see how he stood shocked in the parking lot at recognizing him as he turned to run. He didn’t see Robbie smile at this recognition.

The bare knees pressed against his legs and he believed he could feel the heat of Robbie’s body through his jeans. The very nakedness of him. He wanted to look down, to let his eyes roam over the nakedness before him, the broad chest, the flat stomach and the manhood that stood up between Robbie’s thighs. He felt those old fears, the reluctance to let go as he kept his eyes looking forward toward the glowing window, the moonlight illuminating the thin curtains from behind. He felt hands on his waist holding him gently as a warm exhale of breath went through his shirt hitting his stomach. Closing his eyes, he briefly wondered how Robbie and he ended up like this, alone in his house. The hands on his waist moved bringing him back into the moment. He felt the fingers pull up his shirt tail, fumble with his belt till it was loose. Each touch, the press of fingers against his body began to arouse him, to push past his fear. Fingers slipped over the waistband as they worked to unfasten the buttons. Their touch so close was arousing for the nearness of those fingers. He felt his jeans go slack with every button that those fingers worked loose. He felt the pull on his jeans, first to spread them open then to pull them downward, slowly, gently, slipping them down his thighs as he felt the heat of breath on his boxers then the press of lips against his growing erection. The press against its thickening shaft, the feel of them moving along its length till they encircled the head. The heat of the touch, the wetness of it, drove his arousal, fueled his need for more and he slipped his hands through Robbie’s hair and pulled those lips tighter against his cock. Robbie sucked against the head of his cock and he pushed with his hips.

Last night he had laid awake for most of the night. His mind unable to stop with the scenarios of his outing, of Robbie telling everyone. It was irrational for had Robbie not came out for the same reason. But his fears made this irrationality real, something dreadful that was about to happen. He dragged himself out of bed late feeling as rough as if he were hungover. He stood at the refrigerator for an eternity staring into the brightly lit interior trying to make something inside look appetizing. Nothing looked good and he lacked motivation to cook. He ambled back into his bedroom, feet dragging across the wood floors, till he was staring into his closet trying to process the need to get dressed, to put some costumed on, one that said he was a country boy, some farmer’s son, a member of the community. A gay boy in a straight boy costume.

He dressed slowly and slipped his wallet and keys into his pocket. The nearest diner was back in town and he knew it would be late when he arrived, a time when most were at church. He drove on the rural two lanes back toward town literally back tracking the same route he had taken last night when he fled the park. The diner was downtown next to empty storefronts and across the street from the old drug store that still clung to life. Inside he found the counter and all the tables along the windows full so he made his way to the far wall. The old plastic laminated table was chipped and marred and he found himself tracing a curved scratch as he waited for the waitress to come over. He didn’t notice anything going on around him, the chatter of other patrons, the movement of waitresses back and forth from the kitchen or the one named Shelley calling over to him she would be there in a minute. He didn’t hear the door chime with every opening or notice the young boy running around the big table in the middle of the small dining room. His mind was a fog, no one thought carried out to any completion, just random images circling in confusion. He couldn’t focus on any one thing. The only constant was his fear and the various ways it was controlling him.

A shadow fell across his table and he looked up assuming it was the waitress. It was Robbie standing over him. For a brief moment he held his breath waiting for some calamitous action by this guy who had lured him out last night and embarrassed him. He swallowed hard and looked away not sure what to say.

“Can I sit down…or are you waiting on someone?” Robbie asked.

“I’m not waiting on anyone” Paul uttered in a low voice.

“What?”

“No one is coming…you can…sit down” Paul stammered as he motioned toward the opposite chair.

The waitress came to the table as Robbie eased down into the chair, smiling at Robbie, saying hello in that way all the girls did when they saw him. Seductive, willing, waiting and Robbie smiled back, so casual, so relaxed it surprised Paul, the way Robbie leaned back, angled in the chair so he could prop an elbow on the back.

“Hey Shelley, how are you doing?” Robbie asked.

“I’m okay. When you going to ask me out?” She replied, so forward it surprised Paul as he watched them eye each other.

“Oh Shelley, you know I’m not the guy for you” Robbie replied smiling mischievously.

“Fucker” Shelley whispered under her breath as she smiled, “What do you two want to eat?”

While they waited for their breakfast nothing was said for a long time, Paul tried hard not to stare at Robbie, instead keeping his eyes down looking uncomprehendingly at the patterns of the plastic laminate, the infused patterns, those added by abuse and those by hard use. Paul looked around the room, nodded or spoke to one person or another he recognized, then played with the straw in his iced tea and watched Paul struggle to open the creamer then not make a mess with the sugar as he added each to the dark coffee sitting before him. Shelley brought their food and disappeared back into the kitchen.

“This looks good; I’m starving” Robbie uttered as he picked up his fork.

“Yeah” Paul replied noncommittally not clear if he meant the food looked good or if he was hungry.

They were half finished when Robbie leaned forward, closed the distance between and spoke in a whisper. “Paul, why did you run away last night?”

Paul knew there was no way to answer the question, nothing that would make sense. He continued eating with his eyes cast down to his plate not looking at Robbie. Anything other than look at Robbie. The dark almost jet black hair that was thick and wavy, and fell over his forehead just concealing his eyes from time to time. Eyes that appeared as dark, mysterious, suddenly hiding more than before. He glanced up quickly and saw the smile, dimples formed either side of the mouth that framed white teeth not quite perfect, the canines pushed forward just out of alignment from the others and the rosy completion of each cheek that contrasted with the fair white skin. He looked away quickly.

“Paul…it’s hard enough around here, ya know. We can’t…” Robbie’s voice trailed off and Paul knew the truth of what Robbie said, and what he didn’t’ say.

“I was…scared.”

He said it, admitted the unvarnished truth about his feelings for the first time in a long time as he slowly looked up into those dark eyes looking back. Robbie stifled a laugh, looked around leaning forward once again.

“I was too. Paul, I have only one other time. It was last year on that church trip my folks talked me into, the one where we had to stay in cabins. Some of us stayed an extra day to clean and, well, the cabin I as in only had one other guy and we…you know.”

No, he didn’t, not really. It didn’t surprise him Robbie, two years younger, would be more experienced, no matter how superficially so it was. He leaned over and ran his hand over the top of his head feeling the short blonde hair rake over his palm and fingers.

“I ain’t ever…” Paul uttered, feeling suddenly foolish, twenty years old, living in this rural place and never been with another the way he desired.

The waitress brought the check and laid it on the table closer to Robbie. Paul reached for it but Robbie snatched it up. I got this Robbie told Paul as he reached for his wallet.

Outside on the sidewalk Paul didn’t know what to do, didn’t know if he wanted to flee and isolate himself back at his home or if he wanted the day to continue with Robbie. He stopped on the walk when he saw Robbie head in the opposite direction from where he was parked.

“I guess I’ll catch ya later” Paul uttered.

Robbie stopped suddenly aware Paul wasn’t right behind him. “What? Why? You have something to do?”

“No, but I…”

“Oh come on Paul, let’s go riding around so we can talk.”

Robbie drove for hours, down to the river, back up to town and out to the small park. He talked about himself, the attractions he felt for other guys but was afraid to act on during high school, this image of who he was supposed to be so engraved in his mind. But after graduation it just didn’t matter anymore, this persona he was supposed to portray. It’d been three weeks since returning from that church camping trip and for the first time he recognized the loneliness he felt, how it affected him. He couldn’t do it anymore.

Paul tried to tell of his own inner turmoil, the desires and attractions he felt. The fears of what he could do if given a chance. Would it be what the other person wanted? He stammered and sat silent for long periods of time. He stared out the window watching the familiar country side pass by as Robbie drove around.

It was late when they got back to into downtown, the sun already below the horizon and darkness quickly consuming the sky. Robbie pulled in next to Paul’s car wondering if the day was over. Would Paul want to call it a day, have time to process what had been said. Would he want to call it a night so he could prepare for another week of toil on the farm? Paul knew it was up to him now, knew Robbie was going to let him go if that was what he wanted. He didn’t.

“You want to come over…we can watch a movie or something.”

Robbie smiled at him nodding yes.

“I’d like that very much.”

He felt the tug on his boxers, the slow pull downward. They slipped over his ass and tugged downward on his erection. He felt them stretch over his cock till it bounced up free. He felt them descend down his legs pushing jeans down the rest of the way. He felt his nakedness, the cool air on his skin. He felt a hand take his cock, grasp it firmly, hold it up giving it a squeeze. He felt the blood pulse through his body, the way he couldn’t get enough oxygen as he breathed harder. He felt the wet slickness of a tongue drag over the head of his cock then lips envelop it. It was so hot he pushed forward uncontrollably. He sucked inward for air and held Robbie’s head by the hair pulling those lips further down his cock sinking inch after inch after inch into the heat, the wetness, that engulfed it.

“Oh fuck” Paul whispered as he released Robbie’s head and let him move on his cock freely. Robbie pulled back and pushed forward over and over, working his mouth along the entire length of Paul’s cock. Paul grew so erect his cock ached with its hardness. Robbie sensed how aroused he had become and pulled off sliding off the bed and down to his knees. Paul watched him now, intently, the way Robbie dropped down and moved upward taking his sac, both nuts into the suctioning mouth then the tug on it. Pain and pleasure at the same time. His cock bobbed up and down in front of him as it drooled down on Robbie’s cheek, the clear liquid trickling down to the full mouth tugging on his sac.

He felt Robbie’s hands fumbling with his shoes and he lifted one foot then the other allowing Robbie to get them off along with his jeans and boxers. He could spread his legs now, open himself up to Robbie’s ministrations, let those lips release his sac as hands turned him around. A hand pressed against his back and he bent forward. Hands spread his ass cheeks as Robbie’s heated breath blew between them followed by his tongue. Paul cried out as he felt the manipulation, the touch in such a private place. A hand moved around his thigh and took his erection as he felt the tongue work on his opening, rake over it wetly, press against its tightness till he nearly staggered forward. Hands came to his calves and raked lightly upward brushing the light hairs that covered each. They moved upward over his thighs as he felt the tongue drag upward till it was moving up his back. He felt the tongue lick at his skin then lips softly kiss him. Robbie rose up behind him and he stayed bent over, open to Robbie’s ministrations. The kiss at the back of his neck came with the feel of Robbie’s nose raking through his hair. He pushed back so he could feel the body behind him. He wanted to feel it, the masculine nature of it pressed against his back and ass.

“I want you” Robbie whispered in his ear just before Paul felt Robbie’s tongue work the curves of it.

Robbie bear hugged their bodies together as he pressed in between Paul’s ass cheeks, pushed inward against the tightness hidden there. Paul moaned and pushed back. Robbie reached between them and held himself at Paul’s opening pushing forward with determination. Paul cried out as he felt the breach of his opening, the stretching open of his tightness and the penetration into his body. Inch after inch sank into his hole as Robbie held their bodies together and eased into him.

Their skin glistened with their arousal, the exertion of their fuck as Robbie stood up, holding firmly to Paul’s hips as he fucked, driving his cock deeply into Paul over and over, their bodies smacking together with the intensity of every thrust. Paul felt every thrust, the way Robbie pushed deeply into him. He felt the fullness of it, the way Robbie stretched him open till he easily took their fuck. He closed his eyes and felt himself focused on the sensations Robbie was giving him as he rocked in rhythm with their fuck.

Robbie moved up and leaned against his back. An arm came around his neck and pulled their bodies together as a hand moved around his hips and grasped him. He felt his own wetness as the hand moved along his shaft and rubbed over the head. He bucked with the pleasure of it, pushing back sinking Robbie into his hole all the way then pushing forward feeling his cock slide slickly through the tight fist manipulating him. They moved together till the room filled with their fuck, the sound of their exertions and the scent of their bodies. Rivulets of sweat ran down Robbie’s body.

When Robbie pulled free Paul cried out ‘no’ not wanting him to stop. Robbie led him to the bed, turned him around and pushed him on the bed on his back. He knew what Robbie wanted raising his legs till they rested on each shoulder as Robbie moved over him. He felt the penetration, so easy this time, Robbie sliding inward all the way. Robbie undulated over him, hips rising and falling rhythmically, thrusting deeply.  Robbie moved slowly at first, savored the feel of every inch sliding through the tight ring of his opening. He put his hands on Robbie’s thighs feeling the movement of their fuck. Robbie became lost in his arousal, every sensation focused on the feel of his cock as it piston in Paul’s hole and his urgency increased. He thrust harder, faster, till the bed squeaked and rocked beneath them. Paul cried out, pleaded for Robbie to fuck him harder as he felt the slap of Robbie’s abdomen against his ass with every deep penetration.

Robbie leaned down and kissed Paul, lips pressed roughly together, an intimacy that surprised Paul at first. Paul pushed upward taking Robbie and kissed back, arms quickly wrapped around Robbie’s body hugging him tightly. The heat of their contact became wet, slick and they glided smoothly against each other. Robbie felt his body on the edge of release, the tightness of muscle and increase in sensitivity as he thrust cock into Paul faster and faster. With release Robbie shoved inward all the way, pushed inward till he pressed Paul into the bed as he filled his hole, wad after wad erupting into his depths.

Robbie began to pull out when Paul held to him, clung to him with a desperate pleading look. ‘No’ Paul uttered as he pushed upward, worked his body against Robbie, undulating hips in an effort to stir Robbie into a renewed state of arousal. Robbie felt it, the way Paul moved beneath him and he began to work his hips up and back down pumping his still erect cock through the slick remains of his first load. It felt good, the way his cock slipped through Paul, milked by the tight opening of Paul’s hole. Paul moaned and uttered guttural profanities urging him on. He rose up over Paul, hands either side of the prone body beneath him and he began to fuck, hard, pulling nearly out then slamming back in. Looking down between their bodies he saw Paul take his own erection, stroke it in rhythm with their fuck, fast, hard, roughly slamming his tight fist down the wet slick shaft. Robbie fucked faster, rocked Paul roughly on the bed eliciting a grunt with every thrust inward.

“Fuck…fuck…” Paul grunted as Robbie hammered away at his hole, their sweaty bodies slapping together roughly.

Robbie felt a change in Paul, the way he suddenly through his head back and stiffened beneath him. He looked down and watched as cum erupted from Paul’s cock, thick wads spattering from chest to stomach. He felt it, Paul’s release, in the way it milked his cock, the spasm of Paul’s opening happening with every release. Cum ejaculated from Paul’s cock till it covered his torso and ran slimy down his hand still working up and down his cock. Robbie kept fucking, didn’t slow, kept up the stimulation his cock offered Paul’s depths, the thrusting of cock through the tight opening and the feel of a deep penetration.

Paul felt the sweat cascade down his body, felt it drip down on Paul as he exerted himself to the point of collapse. He couldn’t think, had no concept of time or place, only the feel of their fuck. Paul’s slick wet  hand came to his neck and pulled them together. Lips pressed together, tongues dueling as Robbie felt the surge of cum race through his cock, the eminent release, pouring himself once again into Paul’s depths. He thrust into Paul, all the way and held still as his cock erupted. It felt as if every part of himself was pouring into Paul, the very force of life for he suddenly felt his exhaustion, the complete fatigue of every muscle and he collapsed on the bed next to Paul. They lay for a long time as their breathing slowly returned to normal and their skin cooled with the evaporation of their sweat.

For Paul, there was a moment, ever so brief, he wondered ‘what now?’, afraid this moment with Robbie was over, that this was some one time fuck and Robbie was soon be up, dressed and out the door. He rolled over facing away, afraid to look at Robbie, even in the dark he was afraid Robbie could sense his anxiety, his inner demons that made his lack of confidence so discerning. He felt the bed shift, movement behind him then the warmth of Robbie against his body, to forms perfectly spooned together. One arm came over and hugged their bodies together tighter as a warm breath, rhythmic in its pace hit him on the neck. The fear faded.

“You’re not going to kick me out are you?” Robbie whispered.

“No…of course not” Paul replied smiling uncontrollably in the darkness.