2016 Can Go Fuck Itself

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Author’s note:  This one was inspired by two of my Facebook friends. Gay guys mid 20s who live in different cities.  It’s been a hard year for each of them. And they each posted depressed and lonely thoughts about it, almost at the same time.  I sat here reading what they each wrote, and I thought, these two sexy-yet-sad boys ought to meet and spend New Year’s Eve together and just cuddle and FUCK.  They both need it bad! 

So.  From Facebook to fiction, here it is.  Hope you enjoy. Comments and feedback welcome.  Happy new year 2017 to all of us. - Paul

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2016 Can Go Fuck Itself

January 2, 2017

Hi.  I’m Tyler.  I moved up here to Worcester, Massachusetts a month ago, mid-November.  I moved up here from Hell’s Kitchen in New York City for a new job, and to get some quiet time and get control of my life.

I had to work yesterday, New Year’s Day, January 1, starting at 11am.  And I don’t know that many people up here in Worcester yet. It’s a small city, it feels tiny compared to the big gay scene I left behind down in New York.  And the few friends I have made here so far, are on a different page than me in some ways.  They want to go out on New Year’s Eve and drink a lot, act stupid, party hard.  So I was feeling kind of stuck about what to do on New Year’s Eve, or maybe just stay in my apartment, in my room, all by myself.

I’m in recovery.  12 step program.  I’m sober, 100%.  I go to meetings and I have a 35 year old sponsor named Dan and I am taking it one day at a time (5 months and 11 days, by the way), all of that stuff.  Go ahead and make fun of me for it if you want to, I don’t give a shit anymore. I’m 26 years old and I’m alive.  I rode that “bad boy” train until it crashed, and it crashed hard this summer. 

Honestly, like I wrote online recently, 2016 can go fuck itself.  I’m done with it.  I’m up here in Worcester to try to start over.

So like I said, my name’s Tyler. I’m 26 but sometimes I feel older, from living way too hard these past few years.  I’m in a recovery group specifically for drugs – my problem started out as other stuff but it spiraled down into a really bad crystal meth addiction this year, from March to June. 

Long story, full of clichés.  I hit rock bottom, lost job, wiped out my cash, got kicked out of my apartment, my Mom and relatives got money to get me into rehab for 4 weeks and then I had to stay at Mom’s, then I got this new job up here in Worcester thanks to my Aunt Linda who pulled some strings to help me get another chance.  I don’t want to fuck it up.

I used to be super hot looking, like, at the end of college and right after.  When I was age 21 to 23.  Gorgeous smooth young face, buff “go go dancer/ porn star” type body, cute white-boy looks, six feet tall, spiky blond hair and blue eyes, cocky attitude and sexy smile. The total package.  I was a fixture on the NYC gay party scene, and that’s an understatement.  I actually have some hearing loss now, from too many long nights dancing under those mega-high-decibel sound systems.  I still am a handsome guy, same good facial features and decent body, but I definitely look older now.  Like, if I told you I was in my early 30s, maybe you’d say I look great.  But if I tell you the truth that I’m only 26, you might think I look a little bit worn down and beat up.

But I’m feeling better and better, each month.  The harsh aftereffects of breaking a meth habit are receding, and I’m getting back to real health.  Eating good food, sleeping peacefully at night. Staying 100% sober and in my program, and working out again.  Medications got my HIV viral load down to “undetectable” and I barely have any side effects from the new med I’m taking, it’s much better. 

It means a lot to me to be “undetectable”.  Like, I’m still HIV positive, and I need to keep that as a warning to stay healthy and sober, no matter what.  But the virus itself can’t even be found in my bloodstream, not by measurements in a lab.  Undetectable.  I pray a lot, these days, to the God I still don’t quite believe in.  “Please. Please keep it like this.”

And you know what?  Today is Monday, January 2, 2017.  The start of a new year.  And I feel good, better than I’ve felt in at least a year.  Not counting the artificially jacked-up, maniacal “HOLY FUCKIN SHIT I AM SO STOKED AND CRAZY-HAPPY” that I used to get from a peak high on meth.  No.  This is the real deal, just me, Tyler. Me in this body, natural, and happy. 

It’s been a long fuckin’ time.

Part of it is that New Year’s Eve turned out really good.  In an unexpected way.

I don’t know what possessed me to get on Facebook and dump my inner thoughts out to the world that night.  But I did, on Christmas night, a week ago Sunday night.  I was in a new city, and lonely. A lot of my family and close friends cut me off earlier this year after I got too self-destructive on drugs and I did some untrustworthy things, and I lashed out at some of them for not giving me money.  It was bad.  Some things said can get brutal, and can cut deep, and it is hard to get the other person to believe, afterward, how sorry you are.  How you didn’t mean it.  I still feel ashamed of a lot of things I did and said back in April, May, June, July.  I’m not that Tyler anymore.  But I am the living continuation of him… and it’s me who holds the consequences.

So I get on Facebook and I post this long thing about sadness.  I write about how I want to just have cozy sober time with some friends but the only friends I know here in Worcester want to go out and party really hard, get drunk and loud and stupid.  Or there’s this 12 step “alternative party” in a church basement with fluorescent lights and folding chairs and a bowl of chips and a bottle of ginger ale.  They mean well but, no. I just can’t. 

I started ranting, typing on and on about how I know I should be grateful to be alive and to have survived what I did, but right now I’m just feeling like shit.

Dozens of my “Facebook friends” posted all kinds of supportive comments, and a few who are closer to me reached out by private message and texts to my phone.  It helped me a lot.  Especially that a few of them were party boys I knew from NYC who said that my getting sober and being public about it, woke them up and got them to make changes too.  They’d already told me this in some cases, these past few months, but hearing it again made me feel better. 

One message was from my old college friend Eddie.  And it really surprised me.  Eddie and Jason were “the gay It couple” in college, two adorable cute sweet boys who found each other right away at age 19 and fell in love. They were EddieAndJason – inseparable – from that point on.  I wanted to do a 3-way with them back then.  A lot of us did, ha ha.  Eddie was kind of cute and Jason was even hotter. But EddieAndJason were strictly monogamous and in LOVE, and they let everybody know it. 

After graduation, EddieAndJason stayed in Boston for a few years, then last year they moved out to the suburbs of Boston, with a house and a lawn and garden and everything.  They were only 25.  Living like my parents, LOL.  But they gushed happiness about it online… a lot.  Photos and more photos, of them and their new home and garden.  Eddie was a yoga teacher and dance instructor, and Jason had some job in corporate finance and it sounded like Jason’s job made the house-owning thing possible. 

Not much shocks me anymore, but I was shocked when I read Eddie’s message:

“Hey Tyler. Sorry I have been a bad friend, not staying in touch enough. I have been thinking of you and glad you are doing OK now. I can relate to what you wrote. It is hard for me to say this, we have not gone public with it yet, but Jason just moved out on Dec 17.  It was a very hard Christmas for me.  I realize now I made a big mistake: I did not do enough to maintain real friendships, with friends. I put everything into my relationship with Jason instead and now it’s over and I don’t know what to do. It hurts so much. Anyway I really connect to what you wrote, how 2016 can go fuck itself.  I have a lot of anger inside me these days. Hope 2017 is better for you and for me both.  Your friend, Eddie”

Long story short, Eddie and I started chatting online.  It is awkward to reconnect with a friend when he’s at his worst.  But it’s honest.  We got over the awkwardness fast, and we typed stuff back and forth to each other for two hours, and it was the most real, heart to heart conversation I ever had with Eddie, all these years, including college.  It was really comforting to chat with him like this.  I never dreamed that a day would come when perfect happy Eddie, the yoga teacher with the house, would be so broken down and sad – and it would be me, the messed up party-boy meth addict, giving him hopeful advice and supportive words.  Life is full of twists and turns.

And so, when Eddie said he has the house all to himself with a fireplace and wide screen TV, and he’s all alone and sad, and me just wanting to hang out with cool sober people and I have to work the next day… well, I invited myself over.  Literally. 

“How about this, I come over for New Years Eve and we have a fire and just watch a movie and eat pizza or something.  We both need the company. And your house in Needham is 1 hour from Worcester.”

Eddie typed back “OMG that sounds good. No sad movies though”

And the plan was on.

On New Year’s Eve, Saturday night, around 7:30pm I got in my car and drove to Eddie’s house in Needham. Driving east on the Mass Pike (aka Route 90), I thought more about all the stuff Eddie had shared with me in our online chats.  My longest relationship… fuck, what even counts as a relationship?  I can sort of count Blake, summer of 2014. That was a few months if you call our drug-fueled fucking and making-out sessions and sleepovers and burbled words of love a relationship.  But Eddie has been, like, married to Jason.  They bought a fucking house in the suburbs. They really were EddieAndJason for seven years, 2010 to 2016.  Eddie is probably in a state of shock.

Driving down the highway, I thought about more pieces of what Eddie had told me. How he discovered in September that Jason was having sex on the side, and a lot of it, using online hookup sites. How Jason was pretending to have work-related meetings in the city (Boston) several evenings a week, for his finance job.  How Jason, after he got caught, convinced Eddie to “open up” their relationship and let Jason keep doing what he wanted. How Eddie didn’t really want to, but he was afraid saying no would end everything, so he said OK.  And then Jason dumped him anyway, very suddenly, just two weeks ago. “I realized I don’t love you anymore.”  Right before Christmas.  Moving out that weekend.

I also learned that the house out in suburbia was Eddie’s idea, more than Jason’s.  The real deal there is that Eddie inherited money from his grandmother.  I didn’t ask how much, but it was enough so that Eddie was the one who put in the down payment and he is actually paying most of the mortgage, Jason was just putting in a little. 

I pull up to Eddie’s house around 8pm, and it’s a nice little suburban house.  There’s a light coat of snow on the lawn and the front bushes, lights on inside, and an outside lamp-light on at the side door next to the driveway.  I feel guilty because my first thought is for Jason, Eddie’s now-ex.  Like, if I was Jason, fuck it, I’d probably have to bail out of this too.  That’s what I think when I get out of my car and stand breathing in the cold night air, looking around at the house and the lawn and the snow and all the other similar houses and lawns around it, across the neighborhood. It’s a scene that looks like it could be quite nice for a gay couple in their 40s.  But not in their mid 20s, at least not if it was me… and apparently not Jason either. 

I walk up to the side door with the light on, and I knock, and Eddie comes to the door right away, opening it with a big smile.  “Tyler!”  He welcomes me in and hugs me close for just a moment.  The hug feels nice on me after the hour long drive. 

He looks a little bit older, too, from what I remembered. With my last few years in a drug binge/problem, I never really paid close attention to Eddie’s happy-home photo updates online. Now I see him face to face and, yeah, age 26 is different from age 21. He’s still a cute guy but I notice a few changes.  His boyish face used to be slimmer from side to side, now it’s a little more filled out, and he’s got a short trimmed dark brown beard/goatee thing going on, along his jawline and chin. And Eddie’s forehead has risen a little; his curly dark brown hair is just starting to go bald.  He’s still cute though. His warm smile and his remarkable dancer’s body always got a lot of compliments.

Eddie invites me in for a house tour.  Nice open living room/den scenario with the fireplace and the widescreen TV up on the side wall, and a sofa that faces it all diagonally, some more comfy chairs, and thick plush carpeting.  His face goes sad now. “We were gonna tear out this carpet and restore the hardwood floors…”  I tell him the room looks good either way.  The truth is I don’t know shit about home-improvement stuff, but I wanted to say something nice and get his mind off Jason.

We walk around, Eddie shows me the house. It’s nothing remarkable but it’s nice.  It’s got two bedrooms and a tiny home-office room and a bathroom upstairs, and this big living room/den thing with a fireplace, and a dining room and a kitchen and a half bathroom downstairs.  Eddie points to a door. “There’s a basement too but it’s still a dirty mess down there. That was going to be another project.”

I compliment him on the house.  “Nice house, Eddie.  I don’t know if you’re gonna want to stay in it now, but it’s a nice place.”  Then I silently kick myself for saying it that way. “I’m sorry, that was not the right thing to say.”

He smiles and says “Nah, it’s OK.  You just said what I’ve been thinking. But I don’t want to make any fast decisions… my head is a mess right now.” 

Then he changes the subject.  “You hungry?”

I am, kind of.  We talk about pizza and then Eddie mentions a local Thai restaurant that does really good takeout. “Let’s do that” I say.  He places an order on his phone.

Then we just sit back in his living room, on the sofa and chairs, and talk for a while.  Eddie seems sad but really glad to see me. I motion to the fireplace; Eddie’s got all this wood stacked neatly next to it, enough logs to burn fire all night long, and an artfully arranged stack of kindling and newspaper all ready to go inside it to start things off.  I grin, asking Eddie, “Wanna light this baby up?” Eddie smiles back. “Sure.”  He goes to the fireplace, crouches down and strikes a match, gets the flame going. 

And as he does this, I’m staring in wonder at his butt.  Wow. Its shape looks so fucking round and perfect in his tan cotton yoga pants, the kind with the little drawstring around the waist. Hot damn. I had forgotten, this is Yoga-Teacher Eddie. That butt! It really is top grade. My eyes just stare at that ass until he backs it up from the fire and comes back to his chair.

We sit back and talk about life, and watch the flames slowly get going in the fireplace.  Everything feels cozy. The fire gives it all a golden glow and a moving thing to look at, to be mesmerized by.  The room warms up a little.  “Too warm?” Eddie asks.

“Not yet” I smile, and I crack a joke.  “If it gets hot, we can decide: open a window or just get naked.” 

Eddie shakes his head, laughing. “Don’t tempt me, Tyler… it’s been a rough month.”

The Thai food arrives.  Eddie tips and thanks the delivery guy, and we move to the dining room and spread it all out on the dining table.  Eddie brings out plates, forks, all that stuff.  And then I get a memory and an idea.

“Hey, you know what?  When I was a little kid, in the winter, we sometimes used to eat food in front of the fireplace, sitting on a blanket, like a picnic outdoors. It was fun.  Want to do that?  ‘Cause we’re way over here, and I like the fire.”

Eddie likes this idea, and he goes to fetch what turns out to be a spare bed-sheet. “This’ll do.”  And we move all the food and stuff, and we settle into a picnic scene right there in front of the fire.  It’s getting really nice and warm now.

We start with the soup, it’s that coconut-lime-chicken soup that Thai restaurants all do. Very tasty. Eddie pours it into two bowls, and opens the container of pad thai and puts that onto two plates, and we start to eat.  We’re eating slow, relaxing, staring into the fire, the dancing flames.  Sparks pop and crackle and the heat warms our faces, arms, legs and feet as we sit sprawled on the bedsheet picnic-blanket, slurping soup and eating peanut-sauce noodles. 

There’s more food after this, but we take a break and just sit back on the sheet on top of soft carpeting, watching the fire.  I grin slowly, contentedly. “This is good.”

Eddie just smiles and nods his head slowly.  We both keep on staring peacefully into the warm fire, as it moves and moves.

Minutes pass.

Suddenly a very large spark pops out from the fire, a burning ember, and it flies right out onto the bedsheet between us.  Eddie and I both move fast to put it out, crushing it with the plastic Thai-food container, and using a fork to fling it off the sheet back onto the fireplace stones.  We get it under control. There’s a quarter-sized burnt hole in the sheet now, but all is good. The house isn’t burning down. 

And now in our new positions, the outside of my leg is pressed against the outside of Eddie’s leg, as we sit back and our eyes settle again on the fire.  I feel the sensation of touch between us at just that one point, leg to leg, and I start to get horny, it’s been a few weeks for me. 

No words spoken.  The fire keeps blazing as we stare meditatively into it, and the room is very warm.  I feel Eddie’s leg gently touching mine.

I press my leg just a bit more against Eddie’s.  A moment later he’s pressing his leg against mine, a little more, in response.

It all happens fast, after that.  We slide all the food and stuff way over to the side. Eddie gets up and closes all of the window curtains for privacy from the neighbors, then he comes back to me and the fire.  I like the heat and I want us naked soon, so I tell Eddie to throw more logs onto the fire.  He does, obediently. Fuck, again, that amazing round yoga butt on him. I want it so bad. 

I say “come over here, you” and I get Eddie laying back in my arms, his warm sexy body resting on mine, my own body bolstered by a bunch of pillows off the sofa.  My hands caress his chest, outside of his shirt, and it’s surprisingly strong and muscular. I always thought of Eddie as this soft sweet dancer and yoga boy, but it’s clear from what my hands are feeling, he is lifting some weights these days as well. 

I bend my face to his neck and I softly kiss his very warm skin, as we both keep staring into the bright flames in motion before us.  “More?” I ask. 

He stays quiet for a moment. Then he says “Yeah” in a soft low voice, and he turns his head and we’re kissing.  His lips are soft and juicy, sensual, and his eyes remain closed.  Eddie is a good kisser.  I bend my head down a bit more, kissing him with a little more intention, more hunger.  I slide my hand underneath his shirt and I feel how warm his bare skin is, along the ridges of his abs, and there’s a slight slick of sweat on him from all this heat.  I chuckle and say “I don’t wanna open a window, do you?” and I begin to slowly strip Eddie’s clothing off, piece by piece. 

I pull each sock off his now-bare feet.  I unbutton his shirt and slide it off his torso as he raises his beautiful arms to cooperate with me.  One of his armpits is near my face and it’s so fucking beautiful, I want to nuzzle my face right into it and breathe in the scent of him.  I think, fuck yeah, I’ll definitely do that later.  Fuck, Eddie’s body is even more strong and fit and gorgeous than I remembered. 

Now he’s just wearing those cotton yoga pants and a skimpy white tank-T.  And I see his dick is rising up in those pants, making a tent as it gets hard.  I reach down and caress it over the cotton fabric as our mouths keep kissing, making out.  “mmmm” Eddie moans softly. 

He reaches around to try to start undressing me too. I stop him.  “Uh-uh.  Not yet. I wanna open my present first.  Alllll the way open.”

Eddie breathes audibly with excitement and his eyes look up into mine, full of yearning.  I close my eyes and kiss him again, and this time my tongue goes in, licking his, dancing with it.  Wet and juicy.  He loves this, and he needs it too, I can tell.  My hands reach down and yank apart the drawstring-knot on his cotton yoga pants, and I slide them down toward his knees.  Eddie helps me, his legs kicking the pants off.  He’s wearing cute maroon-red boxer-briefs and his dick is straining against them, erect and hard.  There’s a wet spot. I reach down and touch it, I swirl just my thumb around and around that spot, pressing in gentle warm circles around the head of his dick.  I can actually feel it throbbing, through the fabric.  His breathing gets deeper as I playfully tease his wet dick-head. Fuck, yeah, he is into this. 

Me too. I move my hands back up and begin to lift off Eddie’s white tank-top.  He lifts his arms again, I pull the tank-top up and off his body, and again that delicious fucking armpit is right in my face. This time I can’t stop myself. I growl like a dog and I just nuzzle right on in that musky pit.  The fresh sweat and fur and his natural smell is such a turn on, I want more and more.  “Oh my gosh, Tyler!” he exclaims. 

“rrf mmmrf rrrrmmf!” I say back, my face snuggled into his armpit, loving that warm animal sexy part of his body. 

Now Eddie is naked in my arms, except for that red underwear with the big bulge and the wet spot.  I reach down and slide those down, and his dick pops free at last, the head shining wet with precum in the light of the flames.  Together we slide the underwear off, and Eddie is now completely naked head to toe, as he lays back in my arms.  I stroke his nice meaty dick and gently squeeze out a few drops of the precum and bring my fingers to my tongue, tasting it. “Mmm, nice” I say. 

Eddie smiles, runs his hands over his own naked body, stares into the fire then back up at my smiling face, and he shakes his head in astonishment.  “I just – I can’t believe this is happening.”

I grin and put a hand over his mouth and hold it there.  “Shhh.  Less thinking. More doing.” 

We kiss and kiss some more, it’s so fucking delicious, and then he says “Now I want to get you naked.” 

I tell him to put another log on the fire first.  “And really show me that butt, when you do.”  His eyes light up mischievously and he goes to do it. He arches his bare-naked ass up in the air, spreading it, and I am so fucking turned on.  The ass muscles on him are so big and round and well developed and beautiful.  And in the middle, waiting for me, is that tender pink hole surrounded by the most perfect circle of dark hair, some of it ringed in tiny little curls. 

I don’t hesitate, I lunge forward and I put my face in that beautiful butt.  “Oh!!” Eddie exclaims – he wasn’t expecting this.  I grab onto his hips and ass and I squeeze and play with the muscular cheeks. I spread them, burrowing my face into the center. Fuck, my dick is getting so hard in my jeans right now, I have to adjust it.  As I nuzzle my face into his butthole, I grab my belt buckle and pry it open, and unzip the jeans and let my big and growing dick get some room. I lick Eddie’s ass deeper and I inhale the scent in and it is just what I was hoping for, nice and clean, but with a hint of fresh sweat and natural musk and just the faintest hint of ass.  His most private animal smell.  Fuck yeah, so good. 

I can’t help it, I’m a fuckin’ dirty boy when I get really turned on, and I love this.  My hands grab and pull his ass open more, and my tongue gets on up in there as deep as it can, licking, exploring, tasting, penetrating.  I’m lost in heaven up in there, in that sweet musky delicious Eddie butt, for several minutes. I can sort of hear him moaning and his hips are bucking gently, but my face and tongue and my entire focus are on this beautiful, juicy, perfect fucking hole. 

Finally Eddie taps me with a hand and he pulls his butt off my face, and I realize, oh jesus, his face and right shoulder were right up next to the fire this whole time. His whole face is a hot flushed rosy-red and his eyes are wide and dazed and his forehead and temples are dripping sweat.  “Ha, sorry about that” I say.

“No, it’s ok, just… that was really intense heat on my face, and your tongue doing that to me… oh my god, I… I just, I need to lie down for a minute.”  I reach over and grab a can of soda and pop it open, and we both drink some.  I wipe his face gently with his shirt, and we kiss again between sips of soda. 

I’m still clothed, and Eddie has had a few minutes of rest and recovery. Now he moves to open his present.  We slide off my jeans, shirt, underwear, everything, a lot faster than I did his.  In half a minute I’m buck naked and my big swinging dick is in full view. Eddie stares at it. “Wow, that’s something.”  I smile, ‘Yep.”  It’s not insanely huge but it is good sized, about 7.5 to 8 inches long and very thick. 

Eddie looks me over, and there are several tattoos across my upper body and two of them can only be called ‘bad-decision tattoos’ –  they’re permanent on me, and there is no defending them.  But he’s too kind to say a thing about those.  He just says “You’re in great shape, Tyler.  Looking all healthy and fit.  I was wondering, I mean… I know you had a bad time, a while back.”

I smile.  “Sobriety, clean living, man.  It really works! Been hitting the gym again, 4 times a week since mid September.”

Eddie gets a thoughtful, almost emotional look in his eyes.  He says softly “I’m so glad you made it through”, and he leans in to kiss me again.  There is a real tenderness to this kiss, and we roll onto the carpet together in a deep embrace, kissing and kissing, getting more and more intimate with our bodies and what we’re both feeling inside. 

I realize in this moment, I want to fuck him so bad.  I will use a condom, but I privately want to be inside him without one.  I want that so fucking bad, right now.  I roll our naked bodies over and he’s resting on top of me, before the fire. I put both my hands on that beautiful round butt of his, kneading it gently like dough.  “Fuck, I cannot get enough of this butt”, I say as we kiss and our hands are all over each other.  “Get as much as you want” he says.   

There’s a look in Eddie’s deep brown eyes, and I recognize what it is: he has been needing this, needing to feel desired.  His ex Jason probably stopped having this kind of real hungry sex with him quite a while ago.  And Eddie never cheated, so this with me right now is the first time in months, maybe even longer, that anyone has been this full of lust for him and acting on it.  Wow.  This, what we are doing, is really fucking important for Eddie, the more that I think about it.  It makes me want to try even harder to please him, to go for the best I can deliver.

I decide to just “go there” about HIV. 

I kiss him softly, and keep my hands on that beautiful butt.  I say, “Listen, Eddie. I want to be inside you.  I want it real bad right now. So I want to tell you, my HIV status. It is positive but undetectable. I just got tested again a month ago, but I’ll definitely use a condom, assuming you want me to.”

Eddie stays quiet for a moment.  Then he says “Well… this is interesting.  We could use a condom or we could trust the science.”

I look up into his face and ask what he means. 

“In September, when Jason wanted the open relationship thing and I discovered all the sex he was having, I also learned he’d gone on PREP.  You know, Truvada. Jason was taking it, or he said he was.  But who really knows, I mean, he was lying about so much other stuff, I had no idea what was true anymore and I still don’t, so… even though we were barely having sex anymore, I decided to go on it myself as well. Just in case.”

I kiss his lips lightly.  “So… you’re on it now?”

“Yeah.  Got my own prescription and started taking it, two months ago.”

“So… what do you want to do?”

Eddie smiles back down into my face, as my hands keep caressing and squeezing his ass.  “What do *you* want to do?”

I say  “Honest?  What I want…. OK, what I want is to feel you, feel the inside of you. But that’s me being selfish because it would feel so fuckin’ good for me.  I want to only do that if you think you’ll feel OK and not worried about it afterward.  Like, what will you think tomorrow or the next day.  I’ve got enough information, my understanding is I wouldn’t transmit any HIV right now even if I wanted to, the level is undetectable as of mid December and it was undetectable in October too.”

Eddie kisses me again and says “I’m on PREP, taking it every day.  It was made for this kind of moment… and I’m going to the trouble of taking it.  And I want you inside me. I want it so much.”

“So… trust the science?”

“Trust the science.”  Eddie pauses for a moment. “Wow.. we’re gonna do this.  We are actually gonna do this.”  He is almost in awe as he says the words.  He kisses me again, softly.  He says “I’ll be back in a few. I need to freshen up” and winks at me and gets up, and walks naked down the hall and up the stairs to his bathroom.  I watch that sexy bare butt dancing on each step as he goes up the stairs.

I lay back in wonder, too, and I reach forward to throw another log onto the fire.  I lazily start stroking my dick, I want Eddie to see it big and rock hard when he comes back down the stairs.  And I’m feeling kind of moved now, because ever since I got sober I’ve been 100% honest about my HIV status, but this is the first time I really cared about the other person this much.  It means something kind of deep to me, too, what we are about to do.

Eddie comes down five minutes later, buck naked and sexy as before, and he stands there staring down at me.  I’m sprawled across the carpet and slowly stroking my big thick dick, it’s standing up hard and erect on its own.  The fire is crackling and warm behind me.  He stands before me and the fireplace and says “Oh my god… I want to take a picture of this.”  He doesn’t, though.

He comes to me and kneels down next to me and his mouth begins to make love to my dick. I mentioned Eddie has good lips for kissing.  It turns out they are just as good for cocksucking as well.  I’m in a state of bliss pretty soon.  He gives me the deepest, hungriest, juiciest, warm wet blowjob, and I almost come in his mouth.  But he wraps a hand around the base of my dick and says “not yet” with a smile.  The flames continue to dance, the warmth continues to spread across our naked and horned-up bodies.

We get into a position on the carpet, kind of “side-saddle” where I’m wrapped around Eddie from behind, and my dick is nudging along his butt.  I find his hole and press the thick head of my dick up against it and I press.  It’s tight at first, but then wow, he really did prepare, whatever he did upstairs.  After that initial tightness, his hole yields to me and I just slide right on in, nice and thick and lubricated and snug. I’m in.  Eddie softly cries out “oh fuck! Tyler, fuck!” and he holds onto my arms that are hugging him from behind.  I’m almost all the way in there, deep.  I press my hips into him more, and now my dick goes even deeper in, all the way, that last full inch.  I feel my pelvis pressing direct against his butt, and I know my entire dick is deep in him now.

“Ohhh!  Stay there, just stay still right there” he begs me, his warm insides trying to adjust to my thick dick.  I do, I just stay still, deep in him, then I start rocking in and out of him just a little, as gently as I can.  “…ohhhh…” he keeps purring, holding onto me.  I hold him tighter in my arms and I kiss his neck and ear. 

I whisper low and soft into his ear, as my dick moves gentle and thick inside him. “Eddie, fuck, I want this… Yeah, Eddie…. you sexy fuck.”  I thrust deep and slow into him, rhythmic. “… uh huh, that’s it…. Yeah… fuck, open it up for me babe…“ I feel his ass muscles soften even more and relax around my dick.  Accepting me, fully, inside him. Goddamn, this is so fucking hot, the feeling of him opened up for me, allowing me all the way deep inside him like this.  I start to move in and out, more movement, but still gentle at first. 

And I start to fuck Eddie, deepening and intensifying the pace just a little more. I’m kissing his earlobe and his neck and shoulder with more and more hunger.  Fuck, I want to give it good to this beautiful man, and I want to cum inside him.  I suddenly realize I am so fucking turned on I could lose control and shoot right now.  So I slow down for a moment, and hold him more tenderly in my arms, fucking him more gently, but with longer strokes.  Really pulling almost all the way out, pausing to let him feel the absence of my dick, then slowly driving it all the way back in. 

This starts to drive Eddie wild with lust.  He cries out crazy little sounds I never thought I’d hear him make.  I fucking love that.  I just keep pulling my big thick dick back on out of him, and then slowly fucking him all the way back deep in there again.  Out…. In, all the way in….. then slowly back Out…. then In, in, more, yeah, ALL the way in…… and Eddie just loving every sensation, deep inside, loving what I’m doing to him.

As I fuck him like this, my hands caress his chest, and our bodies are now warm and wet, glistening with sweat from the heat of the fire in front of us.  I keep fucking Eddie, a little faster now, and my hands play with his warm sweaty chest muscles. My fingertips grab and pull on one of his nipples as I fuck him deep, and he goes “UUHHH!” louder than ever.  He cries out as I plow him relentlessly, holding his whole body in my arms as we rock and fuck. I keep on delivering thrust after thrust, balls deep inside him, my fingertips tugging and twisting on his sweaty little nipples, and he is just bucking wildly on me now and babbling with lust, “oh my GOD Tyler, yes, oh shit yes, oh, OHH, oh my GOD oh my GOD, ohhhhh, FUCK, FUCK!” 

This turns me on even more, and I start really grabbing onto those nipples, both of them, and twisting them, flicking them, torturing them lightly as my whole body starts really slam-fucking deep into him.  Eddie is losing control of himself at this point, he’s whimpering and crying like a crazed animal and his ass goes even more wide open than ever, I really feel it now.  A raw possessive urge fires up in me as I hug him tight and fuck him deep and hard: this hot fucking man is MINE, he’s all mine, mine, MINE.  I keep fucking him stronger and stronger, more and more force, my  back and butt and leg muscles are all flexing so hard with every thrust.  My fingers grab and toy with his erect little nipples as I power-fuck him, and my mouth hungrily sucks the delicious fresh salty sweat from his neck. 

Finally Eddie’s hips buck even more and he makes a deep groan and I realize, holy fuck, I’m making him cum right now, hands-free!  I fuck him with all I’ve got and BOOM, I’m exploding deep inside him, jet after jet of my semen shooting deep up in that warm juicy inside of him.  Eddie’s whole body is gently thrashing in my arms, his hips bucking and grinding deep on my dick as his own orgasm rides on and on all over him.  I’m coming hard too, holding Eddie so close and tight, and I keep piston-fucking him deep. I can feel my dick still ejaculating just a bit more, just a bit more. My lungs are gasping for deep breaths.

We hold each other and just feel the heat between us and all around us, and my dick still hard deep inside him. We breathe together and I realize Eddie is softly crying.  I whisper “you OK?” and he just nods and nods, and sobs and sobs.  He’s having some intense kind of moment.  I just hold Eddie tight, still deep inside him, and my hands gently caress his hot sweaty shoulders and I want to whisper in his ear, but I don’t know why he’s crying.  So I just stay silent and hold him, my dick still deep in him, slowly going soft now.

Finally he laughs and takes one of my hands from his chest to his face, kisses it, and says “I don’t even know why I’m crying. I think it’s just… like, everything.”  He says he hasn’t had an orgasm like that in years. And that until now, he hasn’t really felt sexually desired since he moved into this house. 

I say it was exceptional for me too, and I tell Eddie it was by far the best sex I’ve ever had since I got sober.  I tell him how the 2015 version of me in New York City would not have believed my body could ever generate this much ecstasy inside me without drugs – but it did, it all came from inside me, naturally.  And I tell Eddie that this is also the first time I had a responsible open conversation about HIV with a sexual partner, and then we got to have this amazing kind of sex right afterward. 

Then, to my surprise, tears well up in my own eyes, and now I start to cry.  My turn.  And it doesn’t stop.  I just hold onto Eddie’s body, feeling him, and breathing in our heat and sweat and the woodsy smell of the fire, and I keep sobbing and sobbing.

And then I say, like Eddie did, “Me too, fuck -  don’t know why I’m crying. It’s just, everything.”  And my tears will not fucking stop. I cry and cry like that for five long minutes, holding onto him like my life depended on it.  I have not cried like that in a long time, considering everything I’ve been through.

Finally my own tears calm down, my body softens and relaxes deeply, and Eddie laughs and says “Come upstairs with me, we need a shower.”

The rest of the night is more of a blur but I remember the shapes of it.  We showered together and I gave Eddie some post-sex bathroom privacy, LOL.  We ate more Thai food.  Then we fucked again, at midnight, with the TV on, as they showed the Times Square ball falling.  We did it, we drove 2016 into the past, and I was sliding deep into Eddie when the TV announcers officially welcomed in 2017. 

We cuddled and cuddled, and had an interesting heart to heart conversation about sex and love, and how maybe we can just try something in between if we both want more. “Friends with benefits” or “fuck buddies”, but with more real love feeling, maybe, if it’s there.

Eddie invited me to come back over next weekend. Or maybe even Wednesday night.

And then, Eddie and me, we slept cuddled together on blankets on the carpet, in front of the dying fire, and when we woke up together there at 7am, I very gently fucked him again.  That third time, neither of us came.  Neither of us wanted or needed to. It was more like we just could not stop fucking, slowly… doing it just to do it. Just for the feeling of wanting more. Mmmm, yeah.  Just one more round of that connection and sensation, me-inside-him. 

Finally I had to get myself together and shower and clean up again, eat something, put my clothes back on, and hug and kiss Eddie goodbye and get in my car at 10am and drive to work.

2017, my friend, you are off to a fucking great start.  Be good to me.  Be good to Eddie.  Thank you.