Top #Selfies of the Week: Beefcake Explosion Top #Selfies of the Week: Beefcake Explosion

Justin Bieber's people reached out to me as part of the full-on PR offensive to de-dickify his image. Because the vast majority of the public, and this includes hormonally stupid tween girls, currently think he's a total dick. So there's the Celebrity Roast he's doing on Comedy Central (for which he gets paid to be insulted) and then the community service he's doing (court-ordered). Just kdding, he's not doing any community service.

And apparently part of the plan are strategic placements on gay porn sites. He doesn't want Nick Jonas to have all the gay fun and gay fans. So I figure this post on muscle stud selfies is the natural place for him. Now, I'm not including a picture of him because he's not a muscle stud, though his bodyguards are. And his personal trainer is. And he's seen muscle studs on television a few times.

I'm starting to forget how I'm supposed to work Bieber into this post. My forgetfulness may have something to do with the giant muscle ass staring at me right now. And the giant chest, as if I were on my knees in front of giant thighs and long, hard, needy cock.

But I'll try to get it back on track.

I think Justin Bieber's next album is going to be called Long, Hard, Needy Cock. Kind of a play on Long and Winding Road, but about hard, needy cock. He's clearly a poet. And a needy one.

I just flashed on his future. 2037. He's the celebrity guest at an Alberta, Canada grocery store opening. Where they pay him not to sing. That's the only thing he has in common with these muscle studs. I'd pay them not to sing, too.

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