Something for the Weekend: Nips to Suck On

Here's hoping you have a pair of nips to suck on this weekend. And I don't mean Paula Abdul's raisin nips. I really don't. I mean giant obscene man nips that could carve glass.

You would start your perfect nip weekend with a Friday night showing of that classic film directed by Steven Spielberg: Nips. That one where everyone's in that beach town and keeps getting killed by that great white nip until this macho guy takes on the great white nip personally. They get gay married and open a bed and breakfast in Burlington, Vermont so the beach is safe.

You'll sleep in on Saturday and have nipple quiche for brunch followed by a matinee screening of that surreptitious video your creepy yet sexy neighbor took of you while you were working over your own nips and forgot the blinds were open. He was so proud he rented out a local theater to show everyone.

Then Saturday night you visit Nips Bar & Grille for barbecue chicken nips and to snag phone numbers of supposedly straight married guys. Then a Match Game marathon featuring the bon mots of Nipsey Russell. 1970s game shows are the pinnacle of modern society.

Sunday morning you realize you haven't actually sucked any giant nips yet so you take out a desperate Craigslist ad. I know that's redundant. Yet it does work and you end up with pair after pair of giant nips to work over.

As the clock strikes midnight on Sunday and you squirt a load while sucking on that final nip of the night, you realize your weekend is over. The guy leaves a quarter on your nightstand, making you feel like a cheap whore. You'd be offended but you're too busy hoping you see him again.

Truth is it's not super easy finding a guy really into getting his nips sucked. Not every guy is wired for pleasure there, which I really don't get, but whatever. So you may as well go for the giant ones when you can, so it's like sucking twenty guys nips at once. Plus the harder your work them over, they'll be even bigger for next time.