Something for the Weekend: Have Sex and an Argument
  • Yes, totally go out with this guy, but only if you are "a dude who understand how to have sex and have an argument." Here are some ideas for argument starters.
  • Why the fuck do you live in Puyallup?
  • You did understand me, right, because you speak profanity as one of your four languages? Bitch.
  • What's it like to be "far more educated than both you or I want [you] to be"? Is that a tremendous burden? Does education ruin everything in our lives because you know so much there is no point in any communication or reading or listening or math or nutting? 
  • Are you turned on by my misspelled double negative in the prior question? 
  • What are you a doctor of?
  • Sorry, I mean "Of what are you a doctor?" Rectums? Are you a rectum doctor? I mean a doctor of rectums? Man, you are hard to talk to. Unbearable, really.

I'm going to get some water then come up with more ways to argue with you as you are so raring to argue I figure the moment's delay will further rile you. Okay, I'm back. Here are some more.

  • You're a lunatic. Don't ever talk to me. Don't ever touch me. Stay in Puyallup at that gas station you work at. Where you are a doctor of pine tree shaped air fresheners that smell as disgusting as your soul. Now I'll cover my ears while you shout at me. 
  • What's it like to be "horny as shit"? Do you have shit coursing through your penis? 
  • Please go on a one-way hike to the top of a mountain with no internet or cell reception. Then call me.
  • Where did you pick up the phrase "native type guys"? Do you mean Native Americans because that should be a capitol N asshole. I bet you celebrate Columbus day even like a real imperialist pig.
  • Back to the doctor thing. What other lies did you consider? Why not go with something more plausible, like say you're running for President. You don't need to spell for that. Plus they like debates/arguments so that matches too. Are you Jeb Bush? You're Jeb Bush!
  • Hey, Jeb Bush, how big is your dick? Does it fit in your mouth along with your foot? Can I watch? Because that's a photo that should be on the cover of People magazine, next to Tori Spelling's horse face.
  • I speak four languages too, the languages of Fuck and You and Very and Much. 

Okay, I think I got it out of my system. But I do share one important thing with this guy (or whoever wrote this monstrosity of a personal ad). Single. Oh wait, maybe he's not anymore. Maybe he found his dream man. As long as they stay in Puyallup that works for me. 

Can I get a restraining order against someone I've never met? All you fake lawyers out there, let me know. I figure fake lawyers are experts on fake doctors.

Confidential to the guy in Puyallup, if it's a double digit dick, call me. I'll get the restraining order for 9" so at least 1" can go in me. 


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