Something for the Weekend: Massive Masturbation Something for the Weekend: Massive Masturbation

I've dug all the English teachers I had except for Mrs. R. in 10th grade. Every other English teacher I've had encouraged some level of creativity or at least a critical, analyatical eye. Write this. Write that. Imagine this. Imagine that. But no. In 10th grade, I learned the life skill of the so-called five paragraph paper. As best as I can remember (and the only reason I can remember is it was a whole school year of beating it into my resistant skull), it starts off with an opening paragraph which outlines what the three middle paragraphs will be. Then the fifth paragraph is, wait for it, can you guess, I don't think you can, okay maybe you can, the conclusion. So here's a five paragraph paper about masturbation. If only Mrs. R. could read it, I'd be so proud.

And while she's reading it, I'll be blowing my homophobic 12th grade history teacher (at whatever age he is now and I'm at now). Hey he wore tight pants and that totally cancels out homophobia, right?

Title: What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Paragraph 1: On my summer vacation, I went to fucking Disney World which is a totally gross place full of racist exhibits and stinky people dressed in creepy costumes. There is absolutely no mention of Walt Disney's anti-semitism, however Epcot Center was relatively awesome, though the lines were long. Despite all these travesties of modern times, which included lines and bad food, three important things stood out to me as particularly memorable.

Paragraph 2: There was this muscular guy in shorts and tube socks and a tank top and he had a big bulge so I followed him into the men's room and watched him pee. I think he would have asked me to suck him off but I was 15. He seemed Danish and may have thought the U.S. age of consent was 16, like whatever Denmark's is. I'd look that up now but there was no Wikipedia when I was in 10th grade.

Paragraph 3: I think the guy in the Goofy costume had a boner but when I asked him he didn't answer, which is kind of incriminating. I tried to follow him into the bathroom but he never went to the bathroom because they all must have some pee system inside their costumes. I think Snow White pees into her bra.

Paragraph 4: If I had a fetish for puke, Disney World would be awesome because people puke a lot. However, I don't think it's consensual. On the plus side, however, I got to see a lot of guy's calves which is the main thing I looked at, second only to asses, because I can look at a guy's behind stuff and he doesn't generally notice so I don't get beat up or teased about it.

Paragraph 5: In conclusion, the guy in the top right picture looks like McCauley Culkin after a bender. And the other guys are all totally high on their dicks, which is something you should consider doing this weekend. If you have a trip to Disney World or Disney Land or Euro Disney planned, cancel and masturbate instead. Massively.

I wonder what grade I'd get on this thing. Well, whatever. I'll just skip 10th grade and jack off instead next time.


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