Ask GayDemon: Two Dimensional Tuches

Is there anything i can do about my flat ass? It looks terrible in jeans, even though I think I've got a nice bottom when I'm naked. It just doesn't fill any pants I wear right.

-Two Dimensional Tuches

I can totally help! You're so lucky you reached out to me! I will save you from your misery!

Know that saying "Accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative." That's from a song, actually. And definitely not a Rihanna song. She doesn't sing songs. She sings money.

In this case, the positive is your flat ass. And the negative is your pants. That's right, your flat ass is the positive! Feel better yet?

So don't do any squats or get ass implants because you'll be adding a negative. For you a bubble butt would be a negative and a complete waste of time and energy. You need to have the absolute flattest ass in the world. Or so you don't lose your mind the other way, go for the top 5% of flattest asses in your city.

Avoid walking up stairs. Always take elevators or escalators. And make sure you live on the ground floor, whether of an apartment building or in your single-story house. If you drop something on the ground, use one of those grabbers to pick it up. Don't squat down to get it because next thing you know, you'll have to get back up and might accidentally build some ass muscles.

Then get your pants taken in where it counts. Your flat ass! Think tight, flat, even concave. You should be able to stand with your body flat against a wall and feel full, flat contact with your ass.

And if you sit on a guy's lap, he should complain that it hurts because there's no cushion. Practice this on strangers. They might scream at you to get the fuck off their laps, but you can make sure they answer your survey question about the level of pain you inflicted from your flatness.

Eventually you'll find a guy who loves your flat ass and wants to fuck it with his flat dick. But good luck finding a tux for the wedding. Probably just wear regular pants backwards and keep them unzipped for your man.

Wow, I give great advice!

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