Ask GayDemon: Thrupple Trouble

Most of our friends are in open relationships and three of our friends are in a thrupple. My partner has suggested we look for play buddies in hopes of fully inviting a third into our relationship. I've been very happy with our sexual relationship and I thought he was too. A threesome? Maybe. But a thrupple? No way! What should I do?

-One Out of Three

Normally I'm totally for direct communication and I still am here but lead with the information from a positive point of view. Something like "I'm sure you understand that if we were to go from a couple to a thrupple both of us would need to be really into that third guy and also into the dynamic that would exist between the three of us."

So that, in your own words, establishes that he doesn't get to have a permanent third in the relationship that you're not deeply into also and who isn't deeply into you both. Because otherwise, what's the point?

There's a distinction between a regular sex partner as a third and an actual relationship that's more than sexual, but emotional and romantic. To where if the third guy didn't get you both Valentine's Day gifts you'd be pissed. And you'd want to do sweet things for him to, not just involving ejaculations.

So you can also say "I'm totally open to keeping an eye out for someone to have a threesome with, knowing that we each have to want it with that exact guy and can stop the encounter at any time if we don't feel right. And that if we do, the other wont continue on their own wth the third guy."

There has to be interest and consent at all times. And if you want to be able to talk more about it, just talk about it, before, during and after. If you really don't want to do any of this, know that you get to say no and it may be a deal breaker for him, in which case you're not a match. Don't let him label you a prude or controlling. The only label that applies to you is honest and direct.

But you do have the freedom to explore this and see if it feels right. So when you're thinking "maybe" to a threesome that means it's worth exploring, under certain ground rules. Maybe you want to reserve kissing for you two. Maybe you have rules about sexual safety, or kinks you want to explore. Maybe you'll be turned on seeing him get touched by another guy. Maybe you'll want a series of one-nighters with different third guys, and never a thrupple.

Or maybe if you magically meet a guy and all of you are into all of you in all different ways, it will make sense to move forward into trying out thruppledom.

The good thing is he's expressing his interests to you. He may not even know yet how important they are to him specifically. But what is important to him clearly is to not be static in your relationship. He wants to feel some level of sexual freedom and exploration. That isn't a comment that he doesn't enjoy being with you sexually, just that he wants more. Like wanting to try a different flavor of a dessert doesn't mean you hate the original. Just that you're a glutton. And sexual gluttony can be a good thing.

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