Ask GayDemon: Straight with a Chaser

My best friend is straight and I'm totally head over heels in love with him. Every time he gets a girlfriend, I get so depressed and can't wait until he gets bored of her. What can I do?

-Pining for Penis

Don't you mean "heels behind head" in love? Because that's sure the way to keep a guy happy. But seriously, you're fucked, or unfucked as the case may be.

You've got a double whammy. When he has a girlfriend, he spends less time with you (of course) and you semi-lose your best friend. Plus his dick is in your ass and his tongue is in your mouth (and every combination therein) exactly zero percent of the time.

If he's your best friend, he must know you're gay. But believe it or not, he may not have picked up on the fact that you want him to pick you up and fuck. That's partly why you get so batty, because you hold that in.

Are any of the women he's dated anything like you? Like you but with a vagina? That could tell you that he's proxy fucking you. But also eventually getting bored, so it may be better for your ego if these women are totally different than you.

And while you wait for him to spontaneously generate the gay gene, you could proxy date some gay or bi guy who looks as much like your friend as possible. He won't be him. He won't act like him, but it will be something.

Something pathetic though because you have to ask why you're crushed out on someone who can't return your affections physically. If he actually were gay and were into you, would you risk the friendship by actually dating? Or is this whole thing a construct to enable you to safely crush out over someone without the risk of actual heartbreak. Like a teenybopper screaming for the pop star of the moment.

You're just letting out energy and it doesn't resolve itself so it continues.

So focus on the friendship, understand that he spends less time with you when he dates someone because he does count on you being there. You're safe. But if it's too hard to talk to him about his girlfriends (sounds like he's venting about being bored, etc.), then gently change the subject, perhaps to your relationship issues with his semi-twin you find.

Just remember, if you get too weird, he'll get creeped out entirely, so you may just want to spill the beans about having a crush and go for some sort of "romantic friends" thing. It totally worked for male pairs in 1915, so why not 100 years later?

Of course, if you want to make it a sitcom, then dress up as his type and woo him. You might need to reveal it's actually you after you cum in his mouth. You can assure him straight guys have sex with crazy, desperate gay guys who are dressed up as crazy, desperate straight girls all the time. Totally normal!

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