Ask GayDemon: Secrets to a Pornstar Body

I want to get a pornstar body! How do these guys get so hot? Is it genetics or is there a secret to the perfect workout? I'm not too out of shape and just need a plan that works.

-Desperate Dude

So you wannabe be a pornstar minus the whole have sex on camera for money thing. That's like going to medical school to be a throat surgeon and not killing Joan Rivers even once. What's the point of medical school if you never commit malpractice? And what's the point of having a pornstar body if you don't ejaculate on cue for 50 bucks and a donut?

But you're in luck because there are so many genres of porn you just have to pick the one where guys have bodies closest to yours. Like if you're a bit out of shape but have a super flexible anal sphincters (both the 1st and 2nd sphrincters, dude), then you can be a fisting bottom. Not on camera, but you'd know it anyhow and you could wear a t-shirt or something. Like it could say "Body of a Fisting Pig Bottom" in a nice font with a picture of a pig's asshole.

Or if you want to have the body of a bear pornstar, then eat 40 pounds of oatmeal a day. And a popsicle. Bears are totally into popsicles. If you specifically want the body of a musclebear pornstar, then it's the same body as a bear pornstar but with better posture, so take a few classes in the Alexander Technique and you'll be all set.

Now if you want to have the body of a twink pornstar, that could be quite a bit trickier. You'll need to do so much cardio, the treadmill tells you to get the fuck off it because it needs a rest. Like your last boyfriend used to tell you all the time.

I am suspecting though that since you didn't specify what kind of pornstar, you're talking about generic young, muscular jock-type pornstar. For that, you're so far away from your goal it's nearly a lost cause. Because "not too out of shape" is not something those guys were a week ago. You'll need to eliminate all your friendships, cut your work hours down, not eat between 7 p.m. and 7 a.m., work out two to three hours a day, hire a personal trainer, and hire a personal trainer for your personal trainer so he can stay on top of the latest developments in what makes the ideal pornstar workout.

And you'll also want to get a Ph.D. in Genetics so you can resplice your DNA. Or if you're super impatient, just hire a porn star to legally change his name to yours. Your boss may be a bit confused when some WEHO jock shows up to work as a law firm receptionist (which I assume is your job), but I'm sure your/his hot body will more than make up for his lack of ability to pronounce the law firm's multiple syllable name.

Or skip all the above and instead do ten pushups and ten situps, eat a 400-calorie sugary protein bar, jack off and call it a night.

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