Ask GayDemon: Pornus Interruptus

The other night I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn and jacking off. I didn't know he watches porn, but it bothers me a bit. Shouldn't I be enough for him? Is he bored already? I don't want to cramp his style, but I'm not sure how to handle this.

-The Other Man

Clearly you watch porn because there are zero GayDemon readers who don't. And as you've learned zero percent of your current boyfriends are non-pornheads aka anti-pornos aka non-jack-assisted. No, I'm not going to call you a hypocrite. You' never claimed you don't watch porn or that he totally shouldn't. But it is complicated for you nonetheless.

Asking "shouldn't I be enough for him?" is an illogical question. I don't discount the emotion behind it but think about what you're saying. You need to be his boyfriend but also be the scope of entire sexual imagination. You want him to purge his fantasy life and his masturbation life just because he's with you.

You don't get to control his mind. Nor do you have the burden or need to.

And him getting into porn when alone is how he's choosing to spend that time with himself, pleasuring his own body and mind and spirit. The porn is a tool. He's not actually meeting up with people. And you already had a sex life with him prior to knowing his habits, though I think it's fair to assume someone watches porn because that's what the internet is for. Porn, and a few recipes, and organizing a revolution. Plus maybe online shopping for transgender people not wanting to deal with department stores.

But I digress. And your relationship will regress if you consider him watching porn a comment on how he sees you or your relationship. You'll wonder if when he's really turned on in bed if he's just thinking of the porn rather than you. Or if he's not turned on enough, of course it's because of you not comparing favorably to the people in the porn. Or you'll think that his porn watching resulted in 40 ejaculations and he didn't save even a bit of his sex drive for you.

Not the reality that he's just tired from work that day. Or even that you didn't take the time or care to be seductive (without pressuring him) and just appreciate your time together, full sex or not.

If perhaps your relationship is in its last legs, the porn watching is him taking some time for himself. It didn't cause anything negative in the relationship. He already feels the way he feels. If he's cancelling important plans with you, or just not being there for you as a boyfriend, then talk that out. But don't lead with accusatory assumptions and insecurities about porn.

Because ultimately, despite the instant availability nature of it, and the seeming endless volume of porn due to the internet, people have been asking the same questions for millennia. Or at least since 1947.

You could also transform this into a turn-on. If actually true, you could tell him you liked catching him masturbating and you'd like to be a fly on the wall next time, maybe peep through a crack in the door and he can pretend he doesn't notice. You can masturbate to his masturbation. In that way, he becomes your porn and you a character in a porn. Ultimately, you're both together being sexual. As Mae West and Harvey Milk and Yukio Mishima would have wanted you to be.

You can also use porn as a catalyst to talk about other sexual interests. Sounds like he may have wanted to be caught. Think about why.

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