Ask GayDemon: Pantyhose Drama

My partner of six years just told me that he'd love to see me naked in a pair of pantyhose. Where the fuck did this come from? I'm not a tranny. What should I do?

- Guy's Guy

If by this you mean a turn-on your partner happens to have, it came from a confluence of pantyhose commercials, cloud formations, Bananarama music, and broccoli florets. By which I mean, there's no real reason to try to figure out where a desire came from unless you're busy feeling incredibly negatively about it, and by extension, your partner's sexual fantasies. Now he could totally have not told you he has that interest, but that wouldn't have stopped his sexual fantasy from existing.

He specifically wants to see you naked in pantyhose (which isn't technically naked). I'd suggest you should feel happy your partner still wants to see you naked after all these years. You don't feel flattered or even slightly turned on? Or would you if you gave it a chance? Taking away any gender-expression connotations, the fabric and cling may feel good to you. As might his mouth on your cock through the fabric. You might like it.

Now he never said he wants you to do something you don't want to do. But you're not even opening your mind to the possibility that you may like it. And that you may like that he likes it. And that you've expanded your sexual repertoire after six years of being together, which is a worthy goal.

So I applaud you for catching yourself from instantly reacting negatively. And enjoy that applause because now I'm going to react negatively. "Tranny" is not a word to throw out lightly. To many people it is hurtful and demeaning, minimizing and simplifying and conflating diverse transgender and transvestite experiences and identities into a big, messy mass of ignorance and repression. In some ways, it's about context and the context you have provided is ugly.

That said, in this case you've directed it at yourself, as a rejection of a possible sexual interest that on some level you may or may not have. While that's not the same as hurtling it at someone else, that's not a far step to go. Is your partner a "tranny chaser" now? Does that worry you?

So I could write a million words on this but I'll leave it at a few. Biological sex, gender identity, gender expression (of which sartorial choices are a subset), and sexual orientation are all completely separate entities. So say you put on some pantyhose. Your biological sex remains man (though biological itself has many complex measures and many people don't strictly fit into biologically man or woman). Your gender identity remains male (if in fact it is now). Your gender expression in general remains male, with an exception in the bedroom involving typically female attire. Consider some people like seeing men in pantyhose for the sense of contrast of male and female. Some may have an actual fetish for pantyhose. And your sexual orientation remains the same.

I'll add that pantyhose are not inherent to transgender identity. Gender identity is about one's internal sense of self. Pantyhose are pantyhose. Being transgender female doesn't mean one wears any particular thing. Though being a transgender female marathon runner would imply wearing running shoes.

If he knows these general concepts, then he can freely see you putting on pantyhose as not fundamentally changing who you are. Now it is a way for him to sexually connect to you and it's your choice if you want to reject that fully. You shouldn't be pressured into doing something you don't want to do. But you also shouldn't be brainwashed by societal norms into cutting off a potentially enjoyable activity with your loving partner.

And in fact you may be cutting off a genuine sexual interest of yours you've been afraid to explore as you think it means something about your identity. While it is true that you may have suppressed certain elements of yourself and that's what may make this a sore subject, you may also, when you remove the threat state this has placed you in, consider it as a neutral activity that says nothing about you beyond that you're creative and open and want to have a good time with your partner.

So imagine you felt fully free and into doing this and were in the midst of doing it and the most conservative, violent, shaming person broke into your bedroom and started demanding you take off the pantyhose. That you're sick and gross and a waste of space and a pervert. You would know in your heart those things aren't true. So why do the job of the person breaking into your bedroom. Why take on that oppressive voice and apply it to your sex life and your own freedom of expression?

Even if you don't have an interest in this specific activity, make sure that comes from a place of openness and honesty with yourself and him. It will help establish communication in which you can tell him your sexual interests, even if you know you may mention some he genuinely has no interest in.

So remove "tranny" from your vocabulary but do add "transgender rights" to the mix and pay attention to the politics around that where you live. And in your own bedroom, think about what sexual and personal freedom means.

Also, consider the words "crotchless" which has an obvious pleasurable implication.

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