Ask GayDemon: Loved and Lost

My partner and I have been together for more than two decades. We've had a lot of stuff going on over the past seven years like three of our four parents died and a huge financial crisis. These things have played havoc with our intimate life. I still love this guy. I'm just not sure how to put some zing back in the bedroom. We haven't been intimate for a long time.

-Bored in Bed

You can't single-handedly add back that spark. And your thinking that it's your responsibility to do so is a sign of that same lack of connection that drives the need for a spark in the first place. But while it may seem like a catch-22, it's not. You don't already have to have the thing you need to get the thing.

Because I'm going to guess at the secret fixes in this situation. Now if that doesn't instill you with confidence, I don't know what will. Or yes I do.

Continue to express your love in the ways you already do, plus figure out some new ways. Some of these he may respond to in kind. Some not. You may find yourself awkwardly flirting with him, or trying some kink you're not even sure you like. Or just crying in his arms about how much you miss sex with him.

But although one of those sounds horribly vulnerable, or just horribly horrible, good. Because you can't have the same sex life you used to have. You don't have to recreate that historical zing. You need to just be in the present, with your mess of desires and vulnerabilities, and express yourself.

You may find he's feeling similar things. And maybe some of his needs have changed too. Maybe he wants flirting throughout the day with no sexual pressure. Maybe he wants a massage that doesn't lead to sex. Maybe he wants you to make him a bowl of soup.

Not everything is a direct path to sex. And the sex you're even potentially getting to, may be unrecognizable and just feel and be different from the past. There's no standard here, beyond your desire for more connection. Start there, see if he shares that in general, and then improvise on what path that takes.

I'm rooting for you. And call me if you want a threesome. I know somebody. My roommate Who happens to look like me. But is not me.

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