Ask GayDemon: Grindr Snooper

The other day my boyfriend was snooping on my phone and he found a Grindr profile I had recently created. My profile says that I'm partnered, monogamous, and just looking for friends. My boyfriend is pissed. What's the big deal?

-Not a Cheater

Oh, that word "just" gets me every time. Just saying.

It implies you need to fend off admirers. Hey guys, don't hit on me, send dick pics, tell me about the primal needs of your gaping asshole, or even call me hot. Just message me about making friends.

So ask me about my favorite recipes, sports team, or brand of dish detergent. But not all three because that's too sexy. I mean who could resist the innate seduction of "tapioca pudding, Manchester United, and Biokleen"?

The big deal is twofold. Your boyfriend felt the need to snoop on your phone (and had your PIN in the first place from watching you type it or some other way, or pressed your finger on the print analyzer when you were passed out). And you felt the need not to tell him that while you don't want to have sex with anyone else, you do want to do some light flirting, pic exchange, or otherwise lead other guys on.

You wanted to feel the twinge of cheating but not actually cheat. So now you got what you wanted and it's revealed a lack of trust and communication. So you either communicate extra hard right now, being vulnerable and open, or you put your guard up, ignore his feelings and impetus, and set in motion your relationship's end.

So it's not the biggest deal in and of itself. But what it brings out is. And needs to be addressed by both of you. Certainly you can move forward if you're both interested, willing and hone your communication skills, as well as focusing on redeveloping actual trust, not the assumption of trust.

Because the friendship that you are supposedly seeking is not real friendship unless it's in person. A few messages exchanged is not a friendship. Rather, seek out activities that interest you, and if your boyfriend is interested, do them with him and meet new people together, including people who may themselves be in couples.

I'm not saying people can't make friends on Grindr, but your profile reads like a cry to be seduced because you come off as unavailable, which is an ideal challenge to feed some folks sexual egos.

So go talk to your fella, but first send me some dick pics. Don't worry, I'm monogamous partnered, and only looking for friendship and your dick pics are a way I can get to know of any shared interests we have. Bonus if you send me pics of your asshole. And your favorite recipe.

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