Ask GayDemon: F is for Fuck No

I regularly go to a sex club in Toronto called Urge. There's a dark room and lots of booths and glory holes where a guy can really get his fill of dick. The other night I was blowing this guy and really enjoying his fat dick when he suddenly said, "You love that cock, don't you faggot?" I didn't really know what to do or say, so I just kept on sucking, but excused myself a minute later. Should I have said something about the F-bomb? Should I have called him a butt hugger or wanker? Am I being too sensitive?

-Lost the Urge

He was using your mouth to get off. And turning himself on by calling you that word. Was it non-consensual epithet play? Yep. And did it kill your mood? Yep.

So you already said something. By stopping sucking. You voted with your mouth.

Well, it's not really a vote, as you didn't change his mind about what turns him on. Just identified yourself as not into it. Potentially, if this had happened to you in the past, you may have reacted more swiftly, but all told, a minute of some internal conflict was all it took for you to sort it out.

So the real issue is that you felt some allegiance to continue sucking when part of you didn't want to. You have the right to say yes, but that also means you have the right to say no. At any time. Which includes if you had been sucking him for an hour already, had made him cum twice, and was working on making him cum a third time.

Remember to check in with yourself at all times to make sure you really do want to keep going. As for how to communicate verbally in a sex club, he seems to have found a way. By talking. And on some level, he looked at what he said as fitting in perfectly because it was very sexy to him, feeding his fantasy. In the moment, you would have been free to go along with the fantasy even if you didn't fully buy into it, if it meant focusing on pleasing him while pleasing yourself.

But it didn't play out that way for you. And that's totally fine. He didn't necessarily have an easy way to check in with you before saying it, to see if you'd be into it or not. Though he could have led up to it, and found some middle ground with a good old-fashioned, "You love sucking my cock, don't you?" Because that is pretty much easy to say yes to.

Still, it was absolutely not the same as an actual individual person calling you that on the street, or you being fired for being gay, or denied other rights. But crap does happen, even at theoretically safe sex clubs, so no matter where you are, it's best to listen to your instincts and make sure your boundaries are respected.

And as for being too sensitive, that's a bullshit label put on people, sometimes by themselves, when they are listening to and acting on what their gut is telling them. The option is disregarding your instincts to make the lives of others more convenient somehow. In the long run, and often in the short run too, that makes for horrible circumstances.

Ultimately, more intense verbal play like that should be discussed in advance so that environment (which isn't conducive to discussion unless someone is super skilled at same) is rather risky. And likely, commonly unwelcome and a turn-off.

I'm not here to judge any kind of sexual fetish, and just know your not being into one, especially one thrown at you by surprise, doesn't mean you're sex-negative, or a bad, unhip, non-edgy guy. You're just not into it. And it would be a stereotype on his side potentially that would assume you would be. That sucking cock is some literal pejorative. Though you don't know what was going on in his mind at the time, just what he said. And that's all you had to go on.

If I'd been in that situation, I may have responded with "That's Mr. Faggot to you!" and then slammed the gloryhole door shut. They do have little doors on them, right? That would be cutely dramatic if they did. So if you know any gloryhole architects, hook me up so I can spread my genius.

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