The Wedding

He watched the bride Beth, accompanied by her father,  enter the garden. Finally, no masks and most of the guests were fully vaccinated against Covid 19. What a year! As he watched, he remembered his own wedding day. The enormity of the situation that takes hold in that very moment, when the spouses look at each other for the first time, a thrill, a weight, finality and contentment. He knew it would happen as they approached each other but he didn't anticipate his reaction as he watched the bride approach his son. Memories flooded his mind, camping trips, softball, skiing, Pokemon, 2nd grade bring a friend to school day. As he remembered with gratitude and happiness, he was suddenly flooded with feelings of loss too. The times he would miss in the future, grandchildren, promotions, Christmas dinner. Suddenly the emotions overtook his soul as he tried to hold back tears, selfishly feeling cheated of a future as he sat with his regrets.

In the mid-’90s, when he least expected it, Josh walked into Asa’s life and he was never the same again. Asa wasn't looking for love, he stopped after a few relationships and a series of jerks that followed but Josh was different, special and so handsome he took Asa’s breath away. Early on, Josh introduced his 4-year-old son to Asa and they quickly became a family, a family Asa had given up on ever having. 

They moved in together a year later, bought homes, and built their life and future together. They traveled the world and road roller coasters with Chuck at Disneyland and world, Universal, Six Flags. They had mostly good times along with the bad that made them appreciate the good.

They were together the night Princess Diana was in a car crash in a Paris tunnel and died. They heard of JFK Jr’s plane missing and then death, 9/11, Barak Hussain Obama the first Black President and symbol of hope, Trump and the death of truth and freedom, they saw and experienced a lot together including their 31-year-old son Chuck’s wedding. 

Josh was there with Asa when the doctor told him he had stage 4 prostate cancer at age 50. It had metastasized to the bone and was treatable but not curable. 

They decided to fight with medicine, gratitude, love and denial. At least until it became undeniable. That worked well for them and their family for year's. It made sense to have the wedding at their home. Chuck loved the old place on the lake but during the planning Asa was growing tired. The pain in his hips and back were undeniable. Add the weight loss and weakness, he focused on making it through the wedding without incident. 

Nine years after the news he watched the wedding with Josh. They shared smiles, tears, laughter and the unspoken, what  will tomorrow look like? Well today they were great hosts and created a magical memory for all to savor for years. 

That night, in bed, Josh held Asa and told him how much he loved him and needed him here. “I need you to fight”. Asa agreed to fight. They cried, laughed, reminisced and talked about the wedding until Josh fell asleep. Asa’s pain was intense. Sleep came in short intervals. As he lay there, he imagined what he will miss. He felt like he could fade away that very night but he wouldn’t ruin Chuck’s day. Hold on... buy time.

There were good days and bad. Asa looked forward to bed but once there he tossed, turned and adjusted due to increasing pain. As the pain intensified, so did his medication to manage it. It didn’t help pain but man, he enjoyed feeling high. 

Nights were filled with regrets and feeling cheated of a future. Remembering an argument from 10 years ago and thinking, I should have said, done... Then there were relationship challenges relived and replayed. He worried about investment choices, the color of the dining room, would Josh keep his car. He hated Asa’s car. Occasionally the regrets were followed by a pleasant memory, like a trip to Italy or Montreal, babies born, puppies but the regrets far exceeded the good memories. 

The future thoughts were the saddest of all, worse than the regrets.

Two weeks later, as Asa settled into bed and kissed Josh good night, he thought about the future as he dozed off. His dreams had gotten very vivid as time passed and drugs increased. He dreamt of his dog’s, gone for years, grandparents, Aunts and uncles. He relived the past in his dreams, he thought of Aunt Betty. She died so young of breast Cancer, 59. She missed so much. As he thought of the weddings, births, deaths he heard her voice. A voice he hadn’t heard in years. It was saying I haven’t missed a thing Asa, not a thing. He was so happy to hear that, true or not. He dreamt of Betty often. They would talk in real time, not just about the past. Betty said “Asa, what’s with the regrets? You lived them once, now you have to live them over and over? Why? Let it go.” Asa understood but easier said than done I guess. Betty continued, “as for the future....” Asa became overcome by grief and loss. He saw his home empty and unkept. He saw Josh on the couch, alone. He saw flashes of births, deaths and holidays. Foreign looking cars and gadgets. He sat for a moment with who he knew were his grandchildren. Then he returned to his home on Thanksgiving in the future. This time it was different, full of love and family. Time had passed. Josh was happy again. Someone was making him happy and their family was content. Asa was happy he couldn’t see faces now, except for a picture, two stuck out. On the mantle in the dining room a picture of The wedding, Josh, Asa, along with Chuck and Beth together lined with many other pictures of our wonderful extended family. Asa was a part of it and always would be. He could see it not only in pictures but in the table setting. His recipes, new traditions and old. His grandmother’s tablecloth. Everyone was okay. They were thriving and it made Asa satisfied and happy. 

Asa was jolted awake by the pain in his hip. He looked around the room calm now and listened to Josh snore loudly next to him. He wasn’t sure if this was a dream or a premonition of the future. Either way, he was comforted. He held Joshes hand and battled back to sleep.

Morning came Josh rolled over and covered Asa as he did everyday. Asa gets so cold but he inevitably kicks his blankets off. Josh cuddled in and put his arm around Asa’s iced cold body. He suddenly cried out, “no”! Then he gently positioned Asa covered tightly and held him for 15 minutes before the chaos would begin. Josh told him how happy he made him and how much he loved him and would miss him. “I’ll never let you go. I promise.”