The Voice Within....

"you see all of them?! All they want to do, Is hurt you..." Billy said in my ear. "s-shut up... I don't want to leave this place... I finally feel normal..." I whisper as people look at me. "dont listen to them Ricky." my twin brother, Rusty said when he noticed that i was talking to myself again. "you'll never be normal, Ricky.... Never." he sneered as I walked over to my locker. Well, let me introduce myself. My name is Ricky Matthews, and I am schizophrenic. My twin brother, Rusty and I just turned 18, and I am gay. I play football as the Quarterback, and sometimes, Billy helps out during snaps, and handoffs; telling me who to pass to, and they generally score. Rusty plays baseball, and is around the same weight as me. I've hid it for years from my parents, my friends, and my teammates. Nobody knows this about me except for Rusty, so this is our secret. I stand at six feet one inch tall, and weigh around 172 Lbs. I have brown hair, deep brown eyes, and you can spot me easily because I'm the only guy in school that wears my baseball caps backwards. Rusty is exactly the same as me, except he dresses with polo shirts, and khakis mostly. I tend to wear shirts with my favorite artists, or sports teams. Ive had a lot of girls, but I've come to realize that I'm more interested in guys; especially the new guy, Keith. Well, I couldn't call him "new." he's been here for a few months, and we've been good friends so... Yeah. Rusty is the only person I've confided in with this, and the only person I trust.

The guy I was just taking to earlier; his name Is Billy, and yeah, I consciously know he isn't real, but when you are a schizo like me, you can't tell the difference sometimes. The only other living soul on earth that knows I'm a schizo, besides Rusty, is my doctor, Dr. Nichols. She is a very nice lady, and swore to me that she wouldn't tell anybody unless I gave her permission, or if I'm in a life threatening situation. But, I've been pretty good about not freaking out like I did as a child, so I've got a handle on it.

"no you don't!" Billy laughed hysterically. I shook him off, and walked into the bathroom. I leaned over the sink, and splashed some water on my face. "try to behave, Billy, ok? Just for today?" I pleaded with him. I could see him thinking, and then he spoke, "I don't know Ricky. I'm the only person that talks to you in this school, so you would get pretty lonely, and we all know what happens when you get lonely." he said smiling.

"that's not true!" I scowl at him as someone walks into the bathroom. "Ricky!" Rusty said nudging my shoulder as someone walked in. It was Keith. He had a black leather jacket on, with a Megadeth t-shirt on underneath, and black semi-baggy jeans. "h-hey Keith..." I said with a shaky voice. "hey, Ricky, Hey Rusty." he said as he smiles his cute smile at me and I almost lose my breath. I look back at the mirror, and Billy is standing to my left. Rusty to my right. "he hates you, Ricky..." he whispers, then disappears.

God I hate him sometimes..... I know he's not real, but jeez!!!

"uh... You ok, Ricky?" Rusty asked looking at me. I quickly notice what I was doing. "s-sorry... Yeah I'm good...." I said covering my mental problems. He looked at me with concerned looks, and I rush out of the bathroom. "way to go, asshole! You blew it! You could have gotten with the hot piece of ass in there!" Billy laughed as I look around to see if anyone was coming. "I thought you like girls?" I said out loud. "I do, but I know you like boys. I've known that ever since you and I first met; after your dad died." he said as he leaned up against the wall. "has it been that long?" I asked grabbing my head. "yep." Billy said tucking his hands In his pockets. "RICKY! calm down. He's coming back out!" Rusty warned, but it was too late; I could feel eyes on me, and I turn around and see Keith standing there with a freaked out look on his face. "are--are you ok?!" he asked putting his hand on my shoulder. 

SHIT! NO!!!

"uh.... I-I-I-..." I stammer as I run out of excuses. "dude.... Are you high or something?" he asked with wide eyes. I knew I couldn't hide it forever, it was only a matter of time. I look at him, I sigh to myself, and gesture to the bench across the hall. "there you go, tell him you're a nutcase, Ricky! Real fucking smart!!!!" Billy mocked as he stood in front of me. "Ricky, I think we gotta go..." Rusty suggested. "no! I'm tired of hiding it..." I sat down and Keith sat on my right. I look into his crystal blue eyes, and tell him. 

"Keith... What I am going to tell you is extremely personal, and if I want to retain any normalcy in my life, I need you to keep it to yourself." I said looking at him with pleading eyes. I take a deep breath, and begin explaining my issues. "sure. I promise..." he said looking at me worriedly. 

I closed my eyes, and leaned back against the wall, "when I was 7, I was diagnosed with.... With...." I struggle as he grows more concerned. "s-schizophrenia..." I said looking down at the floor. "which means... I see and hear things, mostly people, that aren't really there... And until recently, I've kept it a secret from everyone for over 8 years..." I said as he stares at me intensely, taking in as much information as he needs.

"I know what it is." he said placing a hand on mine. "and I know what you're going through. My little brother had a severe case, and he killed himself. According to his suicide note, Robbie, his hallucinatory friend, told him to." he said as hurt filled his voice. I feel Billy tap on my shoulder with tears in his eyes. "I would never make you do that, Ricky..." he said with sadness. 

"I know you wouldn't.." I answer looking over my shoulder at him. "whose here with us, Ricky?" Rusty asked kindly. "oh, it's just my imagination..." I answered. "I know," Keith interrupted. "but I also know you can't help it, so, what's his or her name?" he asked smiling. "Billy...." I said looking to the floor. "don't be ashamed, Ricky. Think of it as more of a person to talk to, rather than a curse." he smiled. I lightened my mood a little and smiled. I look back at Rusty, and I could tell by the way he was looking at Keith, he didn't like him. But, Keith is the only person I'm going to tell, because he understands me.

"tell me about Billy, Ricky." Keith smiled knowing exactly what he needed to say to a schizo.

"well, Billy appeared after my dad passed away when I was 7, and he grew up with me. In my childhood, he was mean, and sort of a bully inside my own head, but as I've matured, I guess so had Billy, being a figment of my imagination and all." I said explaining my condition. 

"is he here right now?" he asked politely. I sighed a little. "yeah.... He's been here the whole time, but I asked if I could talk to you in private so I don't act all crazy in front of you, and he has kept quiet. So I guess me being crazy isn't all bad after all. Well, compared to other people that have it." I stated as I studied Keith's reactions. "well, because Billy is always with you, and so was Robbie for my brother, you have schizophrenia, and really bad. But, it seems like you have learned not to control it, but to curve it to a more comforting role, and not a hostile role like my brother's..." Keith explained. 

"you sure know a lot about this..." I laughed. So did Keith. "um... Does he talk to you when you're alone?" he asked straightening out his smile. "eh, only if I'm really upset, he'll come and ask what's wrong. A lot of times, I figure things out on my own, with Billy's help, but he's not real, so I can take the credit!" I said laughing. I have found a new friend I can finally be open with, and not have to explain why I act so weird. "yo, Ricky! I'm gonna take off." Billy asked as I look over my shoulder. "I'll probably be seeing you soon, I'm sure." I said as I talked to nobody once again. I know he isn't real, but he looks, and feels real! Sometimes I forget he's just a figment of my imagination! 

"was that Billy again?" Keith asked smiling. Rusty rolled his eyes on how pathetically sweet Keith was acting like. I nod slowly and look at the clock. Football practice is soon. "man, you've far exceeded most schizos by miles, Ricky. Some would literally kill for that!" Keith said holding my hand. "r-really?" I stammer. "yeah! It usually takes a lifetime for a severe schizos brain to curve their condition into a different role like you did." he announced. "t-thanks..." I smile.  

"have you told anyone else?" Keith asked nicely. I shook my head. "I couldn't tell anyone! I'm Ricky Matthews! I'm supposed to be the star quarterback and all that shit! Who would want a crazy to play quarterback?!?" I shouted as Keith finally understood why I can't tell anyone. I hid my head in my hands, and rubbed my eyes lightly. "I'm insane..." I whisper. I feel a warm hand lay on my shoulder and I look to see who it is, it's Keith! I blush immediately. "don't say things like that. It's not your fault you have schizophrenia, it's not your fault you see things, so don't let people call you insane, or crazy, or a nutcase, because you're not! You're different from them, and have a horrible condition that you have to live with for the rest of your natural life! They don't know what you go through, or what my little brother went through on a daily basis, and they have no right to pass judgements on you!" Keith exclaimed as I rubbed the back of my head. 

"I just... I feel alone.... Unwanted.... It's only a matter of time until my parents find out, and ship me off to some mental home with people that mutter to themselves, scream, kill other residents, god knows what else! I-I don't want to go there! I want to stay here, and be normal, but it's so goddamn hard when you have fucking voices in your head!!!!" I yelled as I hit my forehead in frustration. I felt a hand grab mine and stop me from hitting myself. "calm down, Ricky. Everything will be ok. I'll switch my classes around and come to football games and practices with you so you don't feel that way. I will do anything I have to do to make you feel understood..." Keith said as he nudged a little closer to me. I could feel the heat come off of him, and I shifted my weight. "dude, Keith is gonna kiss you!" someone yelled. "I thought you were leaving for the-- who are you?! Why are you here?!?" I yelled "names Zane."

 "Ricky... Are you ok?" Rusty said sitting next to me.  Zane sat next to Keith. "get away from him!!" I yelled in anger. "mmmm..." he said kissing Keith. "get away from Keith!!!" I yelled as I lunged for him! "RICKY!!!" Rusty yelled and knocked me down. He jumped on me and pinned me to the floor. "it's ok, Ricky. He's ok, he didn't hurt him. He's NOT REAL!..." he said as he pulled me up into a hug. I started to cry; my hallucinations have never been this bad! 

"a new person appeared; his name is Zane.... He.... He..... Kissed Keith!" i exclaimed while hyperventilating. "Ill be right back, Ricky. I gotta go to the bathroom, ok?" Rusty said as he let me go. I nodded, and I saw Keith's  facial expression change, and he scowled at me. "you're gay?! Ew!!!!" Keith shouted. "n-no... I-I like y-you... I-I mean... Ugh!!!! I hate my life!!!" I said hugging my knees and burying my head in my hands. "if you're gay.... I don't care...." I heard Keith say in a low voice. "w-what?" I asked with tears welling in my eyes. "I don't care... I mean, I kinda like the idea of another boy liking me..." he said smiling and getting closer to me.

"r-really?" 

"I'm sorry for reacting that way, let me make it up to you..." he said pulling me into an empty stairwell. He blocked the door, and he grinned as he leaned in to kiss me. My breathing quickened, and my eyes widened as I watch him get inches away from my lips. I felt his hot breath flow over my skin, and then he did it. He kissed me! I close my eyes, and start to return the kiss, when I felt a hand touch my crotch. My eyes shoot open, and Keith was still rubbing my crotch, and he started opening my jeans. "w-what're you doing?" I asked nervously. He pushed against me a little harder, and I feel my cock rise. I felt him smile. "s-stop! I d-don't like this..." I pleaded through his kisses. I tried to back my hips away, but he kept touching me. He slipped a hand into my briefs, and he touched my cock, and balls. "ooh... Nice..." he smiled seductively. "n-no!" I said pushing him off of me. He grabbed my throat, and continued touching me. He turned me around, and pushed me against the wall; covering my mouth. "NOOO!!" I hollered one last time. I could hear his jeans unbuckle, and slip down to his thighs. I squirmed and whipped around; trying to escape, but when I felt his covered penis press against my ass, I knew what was going to happen.

"GET OFF MY BROTHER!!!" Rusty yelled as he yanked Keith off of me. I turned around, and slid down the wall with tears in my eyes, and I watch Rusty punch Keith right in the face.

"don't ever do that again! You don't take advantage of someone like Ricky! When a person with schizophrenia confides in you, you NEVER take advantage of it!" Rusty yelled in anger. "if I ever see you do that again to my brother, I will kill you." he screamed through gritted teeth. Keith was backing away from him slowly, and Rusty came over, and helped me up as I fixed my jeans. "psycho!" he said yelling at me. I felt my stomach drop, and my heart get crushed. 

Nobody has ever called me that... 

Rusty soon embraced me, and told me everything will be ok. "Ha ha! You almost got raped, douche bag! That's all you'll ever be good for: catching his cum!" Zane shouted. "SHUT UP!!" I screamed until I felt Rusty comfort me. His embrace was always enough to calm me down. 

This is going to be one crazy half-year... I just hope Compton High is better than my old school. I like Compton. It reminds me of my old city; Chicago. We lived on the south side, where the gangs are, and it was a rough life, but you appreciate the little things more, I suppose. Apparently, this one guy on the football team, Jackson Flintworth, is a real douche bag, and apparently ruined this poor kids life. I think his name was Alex, or Alec... One of the two, but my god, that video I saw was heartbreaking; the fear I saw in his eyes was enormous, and I immediately went to the police with it. 

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"Just fucking do it!" Billy yelled as i looked at the box of matches I held in my hand. I couldn't do this, I couldn't burn down the school! "n-no... Besides, you're not real... I don't even know why I'm listening to you..." I snapped harshly. "fucking pussy..." he whispered. "who the fuck cares, Ricky?! You're not gonna get in trouble! Rusty is in the bathroom, and he will never find out it was you, so just fucking do it!" Zane added. I've had enough. "no! I'm not doing it! L-leave me alone! Please, go away!" I plead as I put my box of matches away. "everyone hates you in there, anyway Ricky. So, just do it." Zane added again. "not Keith... He... Loves me." 

"he doesn't love you, Ricky. He only feels bad for you because you talk to us. Nothing is going to change that, and neither will he." Billy said as he laughed with Zane. "just. Shut. Up!" I shouted. I couldn't take this anymore! I hate having voices in my head; they're driving me insane, and not like I already am. I hate being who I am; I hate being Ricky Matthews!

Maybe if I talk to my parents...

"no! Don't talk to them! They're only going to put you in a mental home, where you'll be beaten, abused, and you'll take pills that make us go away!" Billy protested. 

"well, with the looks of things here, it sounds like a fucking vacation..." I mocked as they both sat down next to me. "look, all you gotta do, is toss a match into that wastebasket, and walk away. That's it!" Zane instructed. I put my head in my hands, and around my ears; trying to block their sound. "that won't work, Rick. We're in your head... Light the match, Ricky..." Zane ordered. I rocked back and fourth on the bench, my hallucinations are never THIS bad, and I want them to stop, so I light the match, and throw it in the basket. "RUN!!" Zane yelled. I did what I was told, and ran. I ran so fast, I didn't even see the kid walking to class, and I bumped into him. "are you alright?" he asked. I ignored him, and kept running. Soon, the fire alarm went off, and thick black smoke poured down the halls. People were running, and tackling over each other trying to escape. "look at them all run, Ricky! Good job!"

I hate this! I hurt so many people! I need to be checked into a hospital... I need help with this....

I looked around the crowd that had gathered around the school, and finally found Rusty. "Did you do this?!" he whispered. I nodded with tears filling my eyes. "I didn't want to, but they made me..." I whispered back. Rusty gave me a hug, and whispered; "nobody has to know..."