The Erotic Secret of Slave Cassius (Burlesque erotic sketch for three guys)
Characters:
- Lucius, rich Roman, 35 years old, arrogant, wearing a luxurious toga that's poorly adjusted. Speaks loudly, laughs crudely, struts like a peacock.
- Cassius, slave, 22 years old, muscular, impertinent, wearing a minimalistic loincloth (that keeps slipping). Charming, cunning.
- Titus, notary, 50 years old, jaded bureaucrat, ink-stained tunic, stylus, portable brazier. Monotone voice.
Set: Wooden platform (scenes 1-2), luxurious villa with cushions, table (wine, grapes, caligae), curtain at the back (scenes 3-5). Music: Sensual percussion, comical cymbals, whip cracks (scene 5). Lighting: Dim red for erotic moments, bright white for comic falls. Duration: ~15 minutes.
Scene 1: The Slave Market
Set: Platform, noisy crowd. Cassius, chained, shirtless, loincloth slipping. Lucius, fan in hand, followed by Titus.
Lucius (looking down at Cassius, slapping his chest): Hmph! Not very thick, this one. (He forces Cassius’s mouth open to check his teeth, exaggerating.) Decent choppers, but for the fields? Meh! He’ll collapse under a plow!
Cassius (pushing him away, smirk on his lips): The fields, maybe, Master… But for other kinds of work… (He puffs out his chest, winks, runs his tongue over his lips.) I can teach you pleasures that’ll make your cock stand at attention!
Lucius (laughing crudely, fan dropping): You cheeky little shit! (Whispering, looking around.) My Greek slaves… ahem… “entertain” me as soon as my wife turns her back. Their mouths are more skilled than your promises!
Cassius (falsely shocked, provocative): Mouths? Pfff! Boring. (He bends forward, ass pushed back, murmuring.) I’m talking about forbidden pleasures. Shivers that’ll make you howl like a bitch in heat!
Lucius (skeptical, arms crossed): Forbidden, you say? (He mimes a grotesque thrust.) I’ve already explored the… uh… “secret gardens” of my slaves. Their asses are more than enough for me, you braggart!
Cassius (mysterious): You think you know everything, Master? What I offer, no ass or mouth has ever given you. (Burning gaze, stroking his loincloth, which slips down one hip.) Buy me… and I’ll show you.
Lucius (snapping his fingers): By Bacchus, you amuse me! Titus, take note! I’m buying him. How much for this chatterbox?
Titus (monotone, scribbling): One hundred sesterces. Name of the slave?
Cassius (smiling): Cassius, the future king of your nights, Master.
Lucius (laughing): We’ll see about that, little ass! To the house!
Titus sighs.
Curtain.
Scene 2: The Branding
Set: Platform. Titus approaches with his brazier, glowing iron. Cassius on his knees, ass exposed (loincloth lifted just enough). Lucius watches, drooling with lust.
Titus: Ready for the iron, slave?
Cassius (teasing): Easy on my golden cheek, old man! (He arches his back, loincloth lifted.)
Iron applied (mimed, sound: "pschhh!"). Cassius screams, jumps up, dances erotically, rubbing his ass.
Cassius: Aaaah! By Jupiter’s asshole, that burns! (Wink at Lucius.) But this ass is gonna make you climb the walls, Master!
Lucius (salivating): Quick, to the house! Show me your secret!
Titus (muttering): Rome is sinking into debauchery…
Curtain.
Scene 3: Initiation into Masochism
Set: Villa, dim lighting, cushions, table with wine, grapes, caligae. Curtain in the background. Lucius, shirtless, toga slipping, looking out an imaginary window. Cassius, minimal loincloth, provocative.
Lucius (through the window, theatrical): She’s gone! My wife is at the temple. (He turns around, excited.) We’ve got one hour! Quick, slave, your big secret!
Cassius (approaching, stroking his own chest): Patience, Master. I’m going to initiate you into… (wink) pleasure through pain. Masochism!
Lucius (snickering, spilling wine): Pain? Ridiculous! (He mimes spanking in the air.) My slaves already moan when I discipline them. That’s enough for me!
Cassius (sticking his ass out, loincloth still in place): Slaps? Child’s play! (He points to the caligae.) Put on these boots, Master. Their weight will… amplify your pleasure!
Lucius (skeptical, putting on the caligae): Boots? By Jupiter’s balls, you’re nuts! (Cassius mimes licking the boots, eyes shining.) Stop your antics, slave! Your games with my boots don’t make me hard. I’m the one who’s supposed to cum!
Cassius (on all fours, ass in the air): Then give me a kick, Master, right here on my branded cheek. (He taps his ass, provocative.) Go on, make me scream!
Lucius (mocking, aroused): A kick? You’re crazy! (He steps closer.) Take that, then!
First kick (mimed, sound: "paf!"). Cassius moans loudly, writhes on the floor, hips undulating, hands on his thighs, screaming exaggeratedly.
Cassius: Ooooh, Master! It’s… divine! (He bites a cushion, rolls his eyes, spits a grape at Lucius.) Again, harder!
Lucius (mouth open, dodging the grape, grapes stuck to his toga): By the gods! You like that? Are you a demon? (He mimes a virile shoulder check.)
Cassius (arching his back, loincloth still on): Better, Master! (He shakes his ass, comical shiver.) Hit me again, make me vibrate!
Second kick (mimed, sound: "POUM!"). Cassius howls, leaps, does a roll, lands on the couch, crushing grapes on his chest, juice dripping.
Cassius: Yessss! It’s Olympus! (Grapes fly everywhere.) Again, Master, make me hard with pleasure!
Lucius (hilarious, toga slipping): You’re insane! What kind of sorcery is this? Come on, again!
Cassius (getting up, provocative): Wait, Master… (He lowers his loincloth halfway down his ass, revealing the brand.) Half-naked, the pleasure is… ten times stronger!
Third kick (mimed, sound: "BAM!"). Cassius screams, the table shakes. He crawls toward Lucius, hips thrusting, hands brushing his lowered loincloth, miming an exaggerated orgasm, body shaking.
Cassius: Master… you’re… cruel and sublime! (He pants.) One last one, and I’ll touch the stars!
Lucius (in a trance): By Priapus, this is… incredible! I want to try! Hit me, slave!
Cassius (cunning, stroking the air near Lucius): Oh… you’re forgetting the law. (He gets closer, still stroking the air.) A slave who strikes his master? That’s crucifixion for sure! (He arches, half-naked ass.) But you can keep going on me… look how much I love it.
Cassius (greedy eyes): First, Master, tap my ass three times with your boots… (He arches, shivering.) It makes everything… explosive!
Lucius taps three times (mimed, sounds: "toc, toc, toc!"). Cassius alternates exaggerated pain (comical grimaces) and over-the-top pleasure (moans), destabilizing Lucius. Then, fourth kick (mimed, sound: "KABOOM!"). Cassius howls, spins like a top, approaches the curtain (back to the audience), mimes a crude orgasm by rubbing against it, leaving a big, greasy comical stain. He turns around, triumphant, while Lucius stares at the stain, hypnotized.
Cassius: Master… you made me fly! (Wink.) Do it again whenever you want.
Lucius (hypnotized, almost drooling): Cassius… I… I must become your slave! (He stands up, theatrical.) Titus! Bring your iron and your tablet! I’m giving him everything!
Curtain.
Scene 4: The Reversal
Set: Villa. Lucius, in a trance, calls Titus, who arrives with brazier and tablet.
Lucius (hysterical): Titus! I want to become Cassius’s slave! Brand me! Give him everything: my villa, my lands, myself!
Titus (stunned, stylus dropping): Excuse me, Master? You… you’re giving up everything? To this slave?
Lucius (in ecstasy): Yes! I want his kicks! I want that pleasure!
Titus (insistent): You’re abandoning your properties, your villas, your slaves?
Lucius: They don’t give me happiness!
Titus: And your wife?
Lucius (laughing): My wife? Oh, I’d forgotten about her! But yes, I’m giving her away with the rest! I finally want to cum with my whole body!
Cassius (triumphant smile): Noble decision, Master… er, former Master.
Titus brands Lucius (mimed, sound: "pschhh!"). Lucius howls, dances, slips on a cushion, yelling: “Ouch, my ass!” Cassius strokes his toga, miming a lewd king.
Titus: Lucius, now slave. Cassius, now master. (Shaking his head.) Rome is going to end up one big brothel…
Curtain.
Scene 5: The Final Fall
Set: Villa. Cassius, in a luxurious (poorly adjusted) toga, sitting on the couch, Roman whip in hand. Lucius, in a loincloth, on all fours, branded ass. Stained curtain in the background.
Cassius (arrogant): So, slave, are you going to honor me? (He points to his legs.) Fancy a kick?
Lucius (enthusiastic): Oh yes, make me vibrate! (He arches his back.)
Kick (mimed, sound: "BAM!"). Lucius howls in pain, clutching his ass.
Lucius: Aaaaah! That fucking hurts! Why isn’t it working?!
Cassius (laughing): Because I was faking it, you dumbass! The pleasure of masochism isn’t in the pain — it’s in the power dynamic with the one who makes you suffer! And now, the one who gets off on making others suffer… is me! (He approaches the stained curtain, back to the audience, mimes an amplified orgasm, rubbing against it and leaving a greasy stain four times bigger. He turns around, notices the stain, rips down the curtain and throws it at Lucius.)
Cassius (mocking, dominant): This curtain is filthy, slave: it needs washing!
Lucius, moaning, tries to pick up the curtain, slips on a grape, falls ass-up again, rubbing his brand.
Lucius (whining): By Jupiter… is this the pain? It still burns!
Cassius (looking out the imaginary window): Oh look, here comes your wife! You’re going to have to explain your new situation to her.
Pause. Lucius turns pale, eyes wide, grabs a grape on reflex, squeezes it until it bursts, juice running down his hand, tripping over the curtain, arms flapping like a panicked bird.
Cassius (sardonic smile): This is going to be quite the hilarious scene.
Lucius, panic rising, freezes, mouth open, tries to crawl toward the exit, slips on another grape, ass in the air again.
Cassius (sadistic look, cynically stroking the whip): Once this is over, we can meet in the cellar for the real fun.
Pause. Lucius, on the verge of collapse, moans, curls up, hands on his head, shaking comically, giving the audience a pleading look.
Cassius: Come on, pigeon, don’t make that face! It’ll probably take you a few years to adjust, but I’m sure that afterwards, you’ll manage to enjoy the situation too. (He approaches, comically tickles Lucius’s crotch with the whip handle — Lucius jumps; Cassius gives a perverse smile.) With a bit of goodwill and some effort, anyone can become a masochist!
The curtain begins to close. Titus suddenly appears on stage, stylus in hand.
Titus (before the curtain falls, sententious and resigned tone): And there you have it: in Rome, as elsewhere, if you want to get close to the throne, nothing beats a good piece of ass!
Curtain.
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