When I first began my journey into BDSM, all that I had studied and read, the inner core of my beliefs with D/s, BD etc, was pain. It was the pain = pleasure principle. At this time all my technique and thought, style, etc centered on that. It was my whole focus. I built myself around the philosophy of sadism, since sadists enjoyed the control and giving of, the production and infliction of pain onto the sub/bottom etc or so I thought.

This was my ethos.

After a few years, I was having a conversation with a submissive I had played with and respected very much. During the course of the conversation, we were taking about scenes, play styles and philosophies. I remember what was said quite clearly as it jarred me to attention with the completion of the statement.

"not all submissives are into pain".

This was the moment of my epiphany. It wasn't during a mentorship or scene or reading from a book. It came from a very hard core player and extreme pain slut during a casual conversation. I had felt like I was hit by a bdsm bolt of lightning.

"not all submissives are into pain".

it seemed so fundamental, so easy and plain and two feet from my domly nose. Yet that belief never crossed my mind, not as a player or Dom nor sadist. It crossed it at a point when i was securing a style of play cemented with the core belief that pain is pleasure.

How strange and new this was. It was different yet liberating and allowed me to even develop a style I had repressed from myself that was in myself. I felt emancipated. I thought that soft and fluffy and warm and sensual was for 'nilla edge players ready to graduate into the kink diving platform of bdsm. What was the not so challenging part was I had as much creativity to journey and explore this realm as I had with the edgier stuff I was doing before it. In fact tactile stimulation was almost instinctive to me and starting off edgier and harder actually made it easier for me to transition into the bottom's mind of sensual and tactile play.

There was a different tone and style of music, different toys, a different sense of tempo, strokes and emotions. It was enlightening and I so easily identified with it. It was a strange awakening to a different type of play.

I think back to that conversation. I use it in negotiations and identify what the bottom is into. I remind myself about that epiphany and of those words.

'not all submissives are into pain'.




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