Chapter 1 - The Gate Opens
The defeat was in more than just his eyes but his entire body as he collapsed next to me after trying unsuccessfully to get me hard so we could resume what had once been a very hot, active sex life. The last 6 months were anything but. Things had become mundane and routine and the last few months my once stellar record had gone from 100% to barely 50%. Half the time I couldn't even start and the other times I limped across the finish line, quite literally. I tried to reassure Jon that it wasn't his fault, that I was as attracted to him as I had always been but we were both older and... I usually just let it stop there. The truth is I was still attracted to him but the fire just wasn't what it use to be. Sex has always been very cerebral for me. I always had to have a story in my head of what the encounter was. Usually it involved Jon cheating on me in some capacity. It started with my first boyfriend over 35 years ago. I would imagine myself as- well- basically anyone other than me- anyone other than his committed partner. Sometimes I was a stranger, sometimes I was Conner, my best friend, hitting on his best friends husband and betraying him. I'd pretend to engage in our sex, our love making as my literal best friend. Pretending my husband was taking his cock, kissing him, cheating on me and it would give me an orgasm that would shatter me and awaken me and excite me. But even these fantasies failed to work lately and I didn't know what to do. We had always been monogamous. The last in our friend group to not open things up. I hate to admit it but we even judged our couple friends who seemed to brag about the various exploits they shared both together and apart. They went on and on about their hook ups like it wasn't completely damaging their relationship. I do realize the somewhat hypocritical stance considering I was literally fantasizing about doing what they had the balls to do but everyone fantasizes - My moral ground was that I was committed to my husband- even if that meant I could no longer fuck him.
“Are you sure it’s not me?” Jon asked as he stared at my face looking for any indication it was.
“Baby, please” I pleaded “You are the sexiest man I know- I guess age is catching up to me” I resigned.
With that he got up off the bed and jumped in the shower. I watched his beautiful hairy bubble but walk into the bathroom and wondered how in the hell I wasn’t rock hard knowing that is what I had. I wanted to offer that we didn’t have to fuck or that I could grab one of our toys but none of that made it past my head and instead images of him looking for dick elsewhere filled my imagination. Him in a sleazy bookstore taking a total strangers cock. Him in a bathhouse, head down ass up taking cock after cock. Conner stopping by to return a sweatshirt I had let him borrow- hugging Jon before he left – both hugging the other a little too long, a little too tight, Conner breaking the guy, not to leave, but separating just enough to kiss my husband. Jon- instead of revolting at the horrendous act of betrayal returning the kiss with a passion both of them had been suppressing behind my back. The sounds of the shower water brought me back to my bedroom and the realization that the case of the missing boner had been solved- I was rock hard. Then I panicked- If Jon comes out of the shower and sees me hard what will he think? I got hard the minute he left the room. I tried to flood my brain with imagines of my grandmother, of the fathers funeral, anything that would bring it down. Luckily it worked and by the time Jon come out of the shower I was normal and getting dressed. I hugged him. Told him I loved him and tried to reassure him. I’m not sure it worked.
Three weeks later and zero sex. I had tried initiating something last night thinking Jon must be going out of his mind, our normal sex life use to be a few times a week. That came to a screeching halt after the failed miserable attempt three whole weeks ago. Jon apologized and said he was tired from a long day. As I was laying in bed listening to him snore I started to wonder. Was Jon stepping out? Was he jerking off? My own libido had been stymied by the worry of trying to initiate something that my body wouldn’t be prepared for and finally when I overcame that I was rejected. I was both anxiety riddled with a stubborn streak of excitement at the thought of Jon with someone else behind my back. As quietly as I could I reached over and grabbed his phone. To be honest I don’t even really know what I was looking for. An app? Crazy messages? I started by opening his texts and I immediately regretted it. The first text box was to Conner. The first picture was of a beautiful, hard uncut cock. Conner’s?? My heart was beating out of my chest. I wasn’t sure, maybe it was a weird joke. I had never seen Conner’s cock. I knew he was uncut from conversations we had but … why would he be sending his cock pic to Jon? I realized in that moment the separation between fantasy and reality felt like the size of the grand canyon. I no longer wanted this to be true, the fantasies I had imagined were melting away faster than…I opened the text box and the picture preceding Conner’s cock pic was one I was intimately familiar with- Jons ass pic. He had sent it to me numerous times indicating it was going to be a sex night. Conner had responded by sending Jon his cock pic. I flicked up but before I could read any of their conversation Jon moved and I jumped losing the phone. He settled back in but I would hate for him to know I was going through his phone and put it back. The rest of the night I tossed and turned. A ball of nerves wondering what had happened between them. Wondering if they were being playful, joking or if they were having an affair.
The following morning I woke with the hardest cock in months. I had dreams of Conner and Jon. Dreams that gave me this almost painful boner and dreams that in reality would crush my soul.
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