To Get You A Piss Test
It was a beautiful morning. There were birds chirping and butterflies flitting. A woman jogged down the sidewalk. A car drove on the I-35 and inside was a father telling his two children to settle down. Overhead a plane flew by and it was full of people from everywhere going everywhere. And higher than that on a space station there were people doing science and space things.
All of them heard this: “WHAT!” It was Julian who screamed. Everyone on the little blue marble practically heard him.
He was shocked beyond reason. And for good reason.
“You’re telling me I’m pregnant!” He spat. There were probably more words he could say but…
“No. that is not at all what I’m saying.” Dr. Holt tried his best to remain calm himself, using a soothing tone. In reality he was just as terrified as Julian probably was. “Please. Remain calm Mr. Hayes.” They sat in Dr. Holts’ office. Alone. There was no one else in the offices yet. No nurses or other doctors. No janitors. Just the two of them.
“Calm. You want me to remain calm?” He scoffed. “You turned my asshole into a vagina!”
“No,” The doctor tried to explain again but Julian just huffed and mumbled little angries. “Mr. Hayes. Please.” He pleaded.
Julian took a deep breath. Trying to calm himself – trying to compose himself in a way that would make him perceptive to the good doctors’ words. “Start from the beginning again please.” He let out a furious but silent breath.
“We here at VitaCore Medical are working on a plethora of new drugs and experiments. Among them was Serum 3379 – RRP or Regenerative Reproductive Program.” He pulled out a pamphlet and passed it to Julian. “This will explain it in better detail, but the skinny of it is the serum is a stem cell based gene therapy to help restore and repair a biological woman’s’ uterus, ovaries and other reproductive systems.”
“So am I a woman now?” Julian asked. Skin devoid of color and a tightness in his chest that didn’t make sense since his entire body felt empty. Light, like he’d float away if he let go of the sides of the chair he was sitting in.
“No,” Dr. Holt said, shaking his head. “You’re still biologically male—unless you decide to change your gender expression, which is entirely your choice. What the serum seems to have done is convert your testicular tissue into functional ovarian tissue and stimulate the growth of a uterus.”
He paused, letting that settle before continuing.
“In early development, all embryos start with the same basic structures. It’s only later, based on genetic and hormonal signals—like the presence of the Y chromosome and testosterone—that the gonads differentiate into testes and the rest of the reproductive tract develops accordingly. The idea behind this serum was to reactivate the latent potential for female development.”
“Why?” A broad question from Julian that Adrian had already prepared how to answer.
“As I said, we were – are – working on a drug that will help biological women with fertility issues. It could be groundbreaking…could be.” He stressed the final words. Locking his blue-grey eyes with Julians.
“What does that mean?” He asked.
“Julian, I need to be honest with you. Off the record.” Dr. Holt raised a brow.
“Off the record? What the fuck are you talking about!” Julian asked slowly.
“If you sue over this. The program gets shut down. This is Texas. We’re already on shaky ground.” Adrian rushed out. “The republicans find out that we fucked this up and boom! This is gone. Not just this serum, but others.”
“You’re worried I’ll sue! You disfigured me! I should sue; I’d be a fucking billionaire.” Julian was insulted by Dr. Holt’s statement. And the way he said it. It was almost nonchalant.
“It’s more than just the program.” Dr. Holt explained. “It’s also personal for me. That’s why I brought you in here so early. Away from anyone else.” He took a deep, almost shaky breath as his blood ran cold. “Some of us are also in the way of thinking this could be used to help trans women feel more at home in their bodies. Start their own families and who knows. If this works, even cisgender men.”
“If this works?” Julian’s eyes widened, panic rising in his voice. “You think I’m going through with this? No! You’re going to fix it. Rip this shit out of me—now!”
Dr. Holt raised both hands in a calming gesture. “Julian, it’s not that simple. You’re still in the early stages of transformation.”
He kept his voice measured, though the tension in the room was palpable.
“The sonogram showed that some of the structures are forming—but they’re not fully developed yet. A uterine cavity is present, yes, and there’s an early cervical structure forming, though it’s not quite like a typical cervix. One of your testicles appears to be fully converted to ovarian tissue, while the other is still in transition. The rectal wall was partially restructured during the transformation. It created a canal where the prostate used to be. Not exactly a vagina, not anatomically, but it mimics the function… and it’s connected to the uterine cavity.”
Julian blinked at him, breathing hard. He hardly understood any of this. He was terrified.
Dr. Holt continued carefully. “If we tried to remove the developing organs now, it could trigger further growth—or worse, complications. Your body is still responding to the serum. We don’t yet understand how it will stabilize. And more importantly, if we intervene too aggressively…” He hesitated. “You’d almost certainly be rendered sterile. You wouldn’t be able to have biological children—by any means.”
“So what? I wait a few more weeks and then hope you can fix it?” Julians’ breath shook.
“Julian…” Dr. Holt said in a soft voice. Comforting. “There is no fixing this.”
“What?”
“We can remove the uterus and stitch up the other parts – so to speak. Hope that your ovaries can still function as testes. Still produce sperm cells. But we’d have to wait.”
“How long?” Julian had millions of other questions, he just didn’t know where to start.
“A few more weeks. Six maybe.” Dr. Holt tightened his lips. “And I need ask again for you to not sue.”
“Why do you care about that right now? What about me? I’ve been mutilated. I wanted to lose a few pounds and now my ankles are gonna swell up, my nipples are gonna get red and puffy and I’m gonna have to start a college fund for a little brat. I don’t give a fuck about this program.” His words were harsh and cruel, but the world would have to forgive him. He felt like some science experiment. A botched one.
“For her.” Adrian turned a photo on his desk around. It was a beautiful woman. Her eyes were green like leaves in summer and her hair was a light brown. Like bark of an oak tree. She had beautiful and elegant features that Julian envied. He knew every girl wanted to be her and every boy wanted to fuck her. Hell every boy probably wanted to be her and girl wanted to fuck her too.
“It’s my wife. She’s a trans woman and we’d love to have a family.” Dr. Holts’ eyes turned to pleading now. “I am beyond sorry for what we’ve done to you. I am going to talk to my superiors and see what we can do for you. But I am begging you. Don’t go public.” He said softly.
“Dr. Holt I -” Julian didn’t know what to say. Where to begin. Adrian’s eyes, the explanation, the science shit that he didn’t understand. It was too much.
“If you let the serum finish, we can see what can be done to prevent pregnancy – if you even can get pregnant – but I am sorry. This was a one-way street.” Adrian explained. Julian didn’t respond, he remained silent. Trying to think of words. He’d forgotten them all. “Think of all people you could help if you agree to be our first test subject.” He tried convincing. “Men, women, nonbinary people. The infertility that could be solved alone -”
“I get it.” Julian interrupted him.
“I’ll give you some time to think about it. I should go unlock the doors anyway. The staff should be here soon.” Dr. Holt got up silently and left the room.
Julian sat, his mind spinning in the silence that followed. The fluorescent lights buzzed softly above, but he barely heard them.
Dr. Holt had made some good points. And Julian wanted to be angry—righteously, loudly, unforgivably angry. Part of him still was. A part of him always would be. What happened to him wasn’t just a mistake. It was a violation. A betrayal. He came here to lose weight, not to have his biology rewritten.
Then part of him recognized just how good this serum – this research – could be for people. For everyone. And this could only be the beginning. Today the serum was able to cure infertility, turn male sex organs female, but tomorrow…tomorrow the serum could grow new arms and legs. Heal the blind or deaf. Julian didn’t know.
No one would if he went public and got the program shut down.
He caught site of the beautiful woman in the photo again. Her smile was warm and inviting. Kind. He thought about how that smile would crack and her eyes would fill with tears when Dr. Holt had to go home and tell her she’d never be a mother to a child she gave birth to because Julian ruined it all. Even though a mistake had been made. A huge one.
Julian swallowed; his throat suddenly dry.
His hands trembled slightly as he rubbed his temples, the weight of it all pressing down on him. It wasn’t fair to ask him to carry the burden of a miracle. It wasn’t fair to expect him to sacrifice his peace for the sake of science.
And yet...
Maybe he wasn’t ready to burn the whole thing down yet.
“That was a dirty trick you played. Plucking at my heartstrings.” Julian said as Dr. Holt stepped back into the room.
“It wasn’t a trick.”
“I’ll need birth control.” Julian stated.
“You should abstain from sex until we know more.” Dr. Holt tried to warn.
“I would but if I start using condoms or ghost my – well, I don’t really know what he is – I’ll arouse suspicion and I assume the less who know about this the better.” Julian reasoned.
“That’s correct.” Dr. Holt grabbed a file with some research notes from the test trials on the rats. “The data shows that pregnancy can be possible within a three-month period. It’s only been one.”
“I know.” Julian rubbed his stomach, remembering all the pains and cramps.
“You need to be careful. I’m worried about prescribing birth control. Your body isn’t producing estrogen. If we start introducing it, it could cause some problems.” The doctor informed.
“Well I’m also extremely horny. Anything we can do about that?”
“Self-pleasure.” Adrian joked; Julian chuckled half-hearted. “Thank you.” His tone grew serious. “I’m going to call the board and get a payment cleared. All your medical treatments and anything else you need going forward will be handled pro-bono and off the records.”
“The surgery to fix all this?”
“Free of charge as well and I’ll get you a nice fat check for our fuck up.” Dr. Holt stood up and walked over to a filing cabinet. “I’d like you to keep track of any more changes you go through and I’ll set up some appointments for you so we can monitor your progress until its’ time for surgery.”
“Of course.” Julian took the file. “So it’ll just be our little secret?”
“And Carmen of course. I’ll also have to contact Dr. Carter, the lead of the research division on this project.”
“Okay then.” Julian stood up and took in a deep breath. “What now?”
“Now? You go through your day as normally as possible and make sure to practice the wonder of abstinence.”
“Oh joy.” Julian grinned sarcastically.
“So you’re pregnant now?” Riley asked.
It was the evening and Julian needed a friend who would understand. Since one didn’t exist. Riley would have to do. He was a great friend and quite an empathetic listener. Julian knew he wouldn’t tell anyone.
“No, but in a few weeks I should be able to be.” Julian drank wine, mixed with tequila. He needed a drink.
“Gross. Get your tubes tied now.” Riley made a face. He hated children.
“Actually…” Julian let the drink talk. “I do want kids someday. With the right guy of course. Now, who knows maybe I can do that without having to go through the legal process of adoption and the expensiveness of surrogacy.”
“And with the current political state, it may be the only way you can.” Riley took a sip of his own drink. “What’s it feel like?” Riley asked.
“What?”
“Your vagina – do you have a vagina now? How does all this work?”
“Like I said. I don’t have a vagina. Doc said that my prostate opened up or something and turned into a vagina-like structure.” Julian hiccupped. “It does explain -” His eyes went wide, nearly dropped his glass. “Oh god.” Julians’ lips parted in shock.
“What?” Riley asked. “Is your not pussy leaking?”
“No, Riley. I’ve been having sex with Monty. A lot of it.” Now, hours later after the shock of the day had settled. “Unprotected.”
“Shit.” Riley sat his glass down and settled back in the chair. “Well the doctor said you can’t get pregnant for the first few weeks right. It’s only been a month. Less than really.”
“Yeah, but he said that some rats showed the ability within the first ninety days.” Julian sat his glass down before he dropped it, but not before he gulped the last of the drink. “Fuck me.”
“Monty already did.” Riley tried to lighten the mood.
“Fuck.” Julian collapsed into his hands. “Fuck.” He groaned.
“I’ll be right back.” Riley shot out of his chair.
“Where are you going?” Julian glanced up as Riley slid his shoes on.
“To get you a piss test.” He answered as if it were the only possible answer.
“What? We don’t even know if it’ll work.” Julian countered.
“We don’t know that it won’t.” Riley said as he rushed out the door without another word.
“Riley, wait.” Julian stood up but it was too late. “Ugh.” He rolled his eyes and sucked his teeth in agitation.
An hour later and four pregnancy tests in they waited on the fifth. They were sitting in Julians bathroom. Drunk. Riley relaxed against the tub, while Julian sat on the toilet seat lid.
“I still think ten was too many.” Julian argued. “I’m also so bloated from all the water.” He looked over the instructions again while reading the article on the internet that answered whether or not a pregnancy test could even work on a man.
“Four negatives. Hopefully a fifth.” Riley checked the timer. “If you get all ten negatives then you aren’t pregnant.”
“And what science are you basing that on?” Julian asked as he started unwrapping the sixth test.
“The science of hopeful thinking.” Riley took a sip of his beer. “Now pee again.”
“Fine,” He stood. “turn around.”
“I’m too drunk.” Riley groaned. “I’ll just close my eyes.” His head lolled back and eyes slumped closed.
“Whatever.” Julian got up and turned, aiming at the stick. This was much more difficult when standing up, but just as complicated sitting down. “Monty texted by the way.” He slurred out.
“What did you say? Come breed me daddy? HA!” Riley burst into laughter.
“Ha!” Julian laughed, causing his stream to veer off course. “No, I told him I had diarrhea and he couldn’t come over.” Julian finished and flushed. Sitting down as the fifth test finished. They reset the timer for the sixth. “Another negative.” He read the fifth test result to Riley who nodded and thumbed up an approval. “I really like him.” Julian admitted.
“Duh.” Riley snorted, his head still hanging back. “At least I hop you like him as much as you two fuck. I hear y’all through the walls. Does he really hit ‘that spot’ every time?”
“Yes. Actually.” Julian ignored the eavesdropping aspect of the situation. Mostly because with how loud they got it couldn’t be considered eavesdropping. “And I don’t mean I just enjoy his company or dick.”
“Oh?” Riley rolled his head in Julians direction.
“He’s sweet. Persistent in a good way.” Julian remembered their conversations. “His favorite movie is ‘A Series Of Unfortunate Events’. Books too. He wanted to become a firefighter after his family lost their home to a fire when he was a kid.” Julian teared up. “Said he didn’t want anyone else to have to go through that.”
“What a hero. Call the Avengers.” Riley took another drink.
“He prefers the X-Men. Me too.” Julian hiccupped and reached over for his own drink. “I think I want him to be my boyfriend. Or at least I did.”
“What changed.”
“My not pussy that I magically grew.” Julian laughed. “It’s complicated things.” And it had Julian supposed. Things were different now. Even if the doctor was able to fix this he’d still be different. He could never tell Monty. There is no way he’d understand. Right?
“Eh, probably for the best.”
“What does that mean?” Julian asked.
“I don’t know actually.” Riley shrugged. “I’m drunk.” They both laughed.
“You’re actually right. I think he’s too good for me.” Julian admitted.
“Oh please what does that matter. That boy is head over heels for you.” Riley finished his beer and crushed the can.
“He thinks he is.”
“Didn’t you just say he was persistent in a good way? If he didn’t wanna get up in that sweet not-pussy every night he wouldn’t have stuck around.” Riley reached for another beer but they were out.
“I don’t like that.” Julian giggled, finishing his own beer. “Can we just call it…I don’t know. Ha-ha-ha.”
“Timers up.”
“Six is a negative.” Julian burped. “I’m too tired to pee on another stick. I’m going to bed.” He groaned as he stood up to head for his bed.
“I can’t make it to my room, carry me.” Riley lifted his arms limply.
“Bitch, I can hardly move myself. Crawl or sleep in the tub.” Julian collapsed into his bed.
“Throw me a pillow.”
Julian did.
“Turn off that alarm!” Riley groaned from the other side of the bed.
“Are you in my bed?” Julian rolled over in a huff.
“I was too drunk to drive back to my place.”
“It’s twenty feet away.” Julian turned off his phone alarm. “Come on, I need to get ready for work.”
“I’m still too drunk.” Riley whined.
“Well go be too drunk in your bed. I have deadlines to make.” With a groan and a huff he stood up and walked into the bathroom. He looked to the counter and saw the remaining four tests all negative. “Did I get drunk and take the rest of the tests?”
“No,” Riley leaned up in the bed, hair sticking at all angles. “you forgot to flush so I just dunked them in the bowl.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“I needed to make sure I wasn’t going to be an uncle. Or the fun aunt.” Riley rolled over. Covering himself up with Julians’ blankets. “Actually? I wouldn’t mind being the fun aunt. I’m gonna call Monty and hide your condoms.”
“Don’t you dare.” Julian scolded.
