Secure in Insecurity

𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞: 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐧 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐁𝐃𝐒𝐌, 𝐁𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐮𝐛𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧.

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Chapter 1

𝘛𝘸𝘰 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘢𝘥𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘯𝘪𝘤 𝘣𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘩. 𝘉𝘦𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘮𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘦, 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬 𝘢 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘤𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩 𝘴𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘭 𝘢𝘤𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘢. 𝘉𝘦𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘭𝘥𝘦𝘳, 𝘢 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘺 𝘴𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘥, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘱𝘰𝘰𝘭. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘶𝘧𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘶𝘥𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘩𝘶𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴...

Thomas teased his junior, always toeing the line between supportive and sarcastic. “Come on man you worry too much. I told you Coach is a good guy. I know he'll let you in.”

Ari wanted to find these words reassuring. At some level he did, but he also knew fate favored his older friend. “You say that, but you’re like one of the best wrestling… er.. people on the team. I literally don’t know the first thing about the sport!” 

Thomas chuckled, pushing his blonde bangs back in mock exasperation. “‘Wrestlinger people?’” the larger jock mimicked back. “Boy, you really don’t know shit about wrestling.”

“That’s what I’m saying! I don’t know how your ranks work but I know I’d be at the bottom.” 

“Funny, I woulda thought you’d be used to that position,” Thomas joked, blowing an invisible dick with his fist. He was the first person Ari came out to. For many years he was the only person Ari came out to. And though the younger boy had long since left the closet, the trust Ari had for his straight best friend allowed Thomas certain privileges when it came to humor.

“Ah. The big guy thinks he’s funny, does he?” Ari joked back. “And what makes you think I’m a bottom? I’m as dominant as they come.” The bluff was Ari’s way of keeping the bit going. Thomas knew Ari was a bottom, and Ari knew that Thomas knew. 

Thomas smiled, poorly suppressing his laughter. “Well, that's why you should join the team. You can dominate all the guys you want.” Ari rolled his eyes and scanned his surroundings for something to launch across the table, but the only thing on top its wooden surface were the silhouettes cast down by wind-strum branches. Thomas watched the kaleidoscope of light dance across Ari’s freckled skin. Though it felt like lifetimes ago, Thomas still vividly remembered Ari’s face the day he came out. 

When his best friend first confessed, Thomas was too young to fully understand what being gay meant. If you were to ask he’d have told you it was a weak or submissive girl. He heard the word used by his father a handful of times when challenging other men’s masculinity, but it was always in a negative context. At the moment Ari confessed, Thomas had wanted to run. He had wanted to reject Ari for being girly or weak. But when he looked at his younger friend, he saw every ounce of Ari’s fear, and Thomas knew he’d always be there to protect him.

“Ari, I’m not always gonna be here to protect you.” The sudden shift of tone caught Ari by surprise.

“What? You don- I don’t need you to protect me.” Ari cringed, knowing his comment sounded defensive. 

“Dude, I graduate next year, you have no other friends, and you're awkward as shit when you talk to anybody other than me. You let people walk all over your fucking ass, and I know you say it doesn't bother you, but I can tell it does.”

Ari hated how his body language betrayed his emotions. It was so easy for others to read. Ari felt his anxiety rising, as his heart rate and foot bounced in unison. “Sounds to me like you’re projecting. Are you sure you're not just going to miss-“

“I'm not fucking joking, man.” Thomas’ voice was firm, fully shutting down Ari’s attempt at deflection. “Look, I wanna do right by you, and part of that means seeing you get stronger and make some connections that aren't me.” Ari was still trying to mask his discomfort, despite his leg vibrating the whole picnic bench. His attention was focused on poorly feigning eye contact, a performance that left Thomas unconvinced.

“I mean… the bullying just comes with the territory.” Ari wasn’t one to stir the pot. It wasn't from a lack of confidence. He did lack confidence, but it was just practically easier to submit to whatever momentary harassment came his way. Much like in the current conversation, conflict avoidance was Ari’s main priority. He appreciated Thomas' concern, but he felt guilty for it as well. “Plus all that dominant alpha stuff really only happens in high school. It's not like a grown-ass adult is gonna humiliate another man because he’s not as masculine...” Ari could feel Thomas’ eyes watching him, yet he didn’t speak. For a time, both let the quiet moment last, with nothing but the windy branches designating the moment's tone. “…I just gotta ride out the next two years then it’s off to greener horizons.” Behind Ari, a ringing chime let them know their momentary respite was coming to an end.

Ari stood up from the picnic bench, supporting his palm on the table. He had already concluded with the conversation, letting his mind wander off to his next class. Thomas placed a hand on the smaller boy’s, causing Ari to turn his head in surprise. “Just talk to Coach. If it doesn't stick, it doesn't stick. But just try it out… Please… For me?” Ari stood there with his friend’s hand holding his own. He saw the genuine desire in Thomas's eyes. He knew he couldn’t say no.

“…Fuck… Fine, you win. I’ll talk to the coach. But no promises.” Ari felt his grip on the table give, as Thomas pulled him firmly into a hug. Ari just rolled his eyes, letting his larger friend pull him off his feet. He really did lack a backbone, and one of these days his willingness to submit was going to bite him in the ass.