San was the older brother by 2 years, me, Sosep was the quiet bit insecure one who was a late bloomer until San initiated sex with me when I was 18.
Me, Sosep, despite being smart, always had a sense of not quite being good enough, for example, I thought I was fat but looking back at pics from my youth, I was far from that.
San on the other hand was a horny bugger, he was having sex and drinking booze even before he was legally able to drink. He was more outgoing and a bit of a black sheep of the family.
Sosep always admired his brother San, and thought all of his buddies were also so cool. I was never invited to hang with them though because I was younger. Thinking back, it may also have been because others saw me as a goody 2 shoes, a bit of book smart kind of guy.
But my brother San never ignored me when he would be hanging out with his cool buddies drinking and such, he always acknowledged me when he saw me, and none of his buddies dared say anything disparaging about me.
When it first happened, it threw me off, partly because I was a virgin, but mostly because this was my brother, my older brother making sexual moves. My body reacted though to the warm, electric touch between 2 bodies. San, having had sex already, knew what he was doing. Me, Sosep, the younger brother still a virgin just went with it.
It felt strange, every move San made was new, so my mind was racing trying to process the sensations while my body reacted fully and willingly. The way he kissed me, with the smell of booze on his breath. The way he nuzzled my neck and the way his scruff tickled yet felt so good. The way his hard uncut cock rubbed against mine, also so hard it seemed like it wanted to explode. In fact, when I had my first orgasm with him, I almost threw him off from being on top of me. The orgasm was so strong, I didn't know what was happening. He smiled at me and said "you came!"
Somehow, in the back of my mind, I thought of how this is bad, forbidden, family aren't supposed to have sex with each other. Hell, our family didn't even talk about sex to us, there were no birds and bees talks. We were left to our own to figure that stuff out. But we were taught about religion and sin. Mortal sins as us Catholics called it.
Still, here we are, 2 brothers, lustfully enjoying each other's bodies, pushing against one another, taking his cock in my mouth, tasting the precum that was oozing out, how strange yet good it felt. Back to our mouths locked together, deep, wet kisses where San shoved his tongue in as far as he could go, me, Sosep, trying to take it in as if it were an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. Sucking, licking, tasting it.
God this felt good, but still strange, that strangeness stayed after it was over for quite awhile, laying there, with my underwear back on, thinking deeply about the sin just committed, knowing there was absolutely nobody I could tell. I had no idea if it would ever repeat itself, and tried not to think of that. I just kept replaying the experience of first touch, first intimacy.
In a strange way, it felt good, that natural intimacy between brothers, like we thought the same, acted the same, enjoyed the same things. The only difference was we were related, and again, both religion and society says what we were doing is an abomination, bad. Did this make us bad people I asked myself?
I never even thought of talking to San about what just happened. We just went about our lives in a small rural town of less than 100 people. The same routines of eating dinner together as a family, doing our chores around the house and yard. It was my secret I felt, as there was absolutely nobody to talk to, even San.
Looking back, I think the reason I didn't try to talk to San about it, was I hadn't formed the words to describe it to him. I knew I liked it, I knew my body responded to it. But what was "it", the word incest was not in my vocabulary yet. All I knew was it seemed wrong, bad, something I must hide and never discuss. It seemed like talking, even to San about it, would make it more real, so I instead decided to ignore the feelings and inner conflict, pretend it never happened.
But it happened again. And again, and again and again.
Each time, I responded with more familiarity, more certainty about if I did this to San, that would happen. Slowly, I was gaining sexual experience, and slowly, my brother San was gaining a lover. I knew how and wanted to please him. I was after his nectar and would gulp down any cum he shot in my mouth.
That's what it became, love, between 2 brothers, forbidden love, something neither of us could ever tell to another soul. But it felt so damn good, how could it be wrong?
I grew to love the taste of his cum. I always liked the smell of booze on his breath when he had been drinking as we kissed like 2 lovers who hadn't seen each other in a year. Hard, passionate, deep tongue kissing.
We had sex often, as we were both young, instant recall came fast due to our youth. Two brothers, 2 years apart in age. Nobody would question 2 brothers hanging out, doing things together, and even when I started to drink alcohol too, we'd all be at a bonfire or party, and just knew how to play the crowd and every now and then, share eye contact, a wink or grin, knowing that we would make love later after this was over.
I didn't even see it as being gay. Both San and I fucked girls too, not together, although once there was a bit of a sex party and each of us, as well as some of the other guys there, all hooked up with girls but each went to different rooms to bump nasties. Secretly, as I was inside the girl I was with, I was thinking about San in the next room, getting his rocks off and wishing it was us together. That would be a true Jerry Springer moment if anyone had found out 2 brothers fucked.
San and I shared many moments together, the sex always raw, but at times tender. We never really cuddled after we came, I think it was to safeguard against anyone walking in or catching us in the deed. We had to hide things quickly after so we could keep doing it.
Only when we travelled together, somewhere where people didn't know we were brothers, that we could stay naked after sex and lay beside each other, touching, just being close to one another. Those were the tender moments I lived for. In those moments, we didn't have to hide it, we could just be together, after all, we were lovers by now.
Then the tragedy struck. I was on my way to go to a city for a weekend get away. San was at his place. By now, both of us were living on our own but in the same small town. As I was getting ready to leave, weekend bag all packed, something seemed off. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something seemed off. A female cousin of mine was to go away with me to the city to party, she too was ready, but for some strange reason, I kept delaying, not quite ready to go yet. Finally, I made up my mind to go, it was a 3 hour drive and so we wanted to get there before it was too late.
That whole trip driving there, I kept feeling like something was wrong, almost like I had left the stove burner on. I couldn't shake this feeling. But for the sake of my company and the fact we were in the city to party and enjoy ourselves, I tried to ignore the feeling.
The next morning, I received a call that San had died. Something caused his lungs to collapse and our father had found him at his place when he didn't answer the door.
My world collapsed, I was devastated, and because he was my brother, my cousin didn't question the emotional quietness I had on the ride back home. The tears streaming down my face.
To her, all she saw was a brother grieving the loss of a brother. To me, inside, my lover was gone. All those years growing up where he ribbed me as his younger brother, all those times, I thought back of him being so cool, gone.
And now, who could I tell that my best lover ever, the man who took my cherry, was gone.
I was 30 when he died, he was 32. A 12 year lover's relationship vanished, a lifetime as brothers gone. My longest relationship in fact. By this time, I was out as a gay man. Told my parents shortly before San died. Of course, I never told them about our secret love affair. San always identified as straight despite him having sex with guys, not just me.
As I moved on with my life, meeting guys, entering into relationships here and there, some short, others longer, none of them, no matter how good the sex was between us would ever, could ever compare to sex with my brother. After all, he was my best lover ever.
I would keep this a secret, only telling a few guys over the years, usually when they admitted they too experienced incest. F society and F religion when they say its a sin and an abomination. How could there be a god who created such pleasure, such deep, warm connection only for it to be a sin. I only wish I could have lived with San, in the same house, the same bed, being open that we were lovers.
I miss him. I know we would still be fucking after all these years. I wish society allowed us to be more open about when we find true love, that we share it without judgment, even if its between brothers, or whoever.
Love you San. Until we meet again in that orgy in the sky. And I have lots to share about my life path. And by the way, two of your sons, my nephews, have taking a liking to me, sharing dick pics. Maybe your genes in them make them want to be in my jeans.
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