Finals week was looming. The second week of December. Something else loomed sooner: Initiation.
Would they accept me?
We'd gone from something I got pulled into by Jasper, and somehow journeyed through a semester of trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. The frat was the thing I never wanted, but now it was all I could think about.
Reading days were hard. The guys in the frat knew that – they were going through the same thing. It was the first time all semester that I actually saw Jasper look somber and keep his nose in a book. We studied in our dorm room, the common area. We tried the library and the frat house.
Tav looked at me. I was trying to make sense of some CHEM notes on balancing equations. He left the common area of the frat house, and a few minutes later came back with a handful of papers.
"Here, try these."
I took them and looked at him.
"Different prof, and CU switched books last year. Sometimes older is better."
I was looking in his eyes as he said that, and I saw them look down my face, my chest, and ... they snapped back up. "I didn't mean it that way."
"Right. Of course." I'd gotten better at flirting, at the innuendo. Since I took the necklace off, and since I left it with Levi. It was like it had been keeping me restrained in some way.
"Ffuc—" he looked up at me and winced. "I mean, look. Si. I'm just your big. But I wanna help you succeed, man." He came to sit next to me on the sofa, then shifted to stay a few more inches away. "I really would've said 'yes' at that party, if you'd asked. And now we can't. But after initiation, whatever happens, that can happen."
I looked at him and gulped, his notes lying flat on my book, forgotten.
"I'm trying to say that I was happy when they assigned you to me. Me to you. I thought it meant I could help you, you seemed so ... I don't know. I've seen you with Levi—" my eyebrows shot up "—no man, it's cool. Levi's cool. But I also know some of what he's been through. And if you've been through any of that ... I'm sorry."
I had no idea what to say. So, I said nothing.
"I don't want to take advantage of you."
"No! You're not. I mean, if we – after tomorrow night ... you know? I mean ... fudge. Crap." I reached for my chest, but the two pieces of metal hanging from the leather cord weren't there. Comfort had to come from within. "Tav, if I want to do something, I want to do it. I've been looking at you all semester. And Levi ... Levi's a good friend. I think."
He smiled, and he stood. "Good luck with CHEM. I'm rooting for you, we all are. That's what the frat is, behind all the parties and all the wise cracks and everything else, it's guys who just want best for each other, who always show up for each other. Save me a space, after initiation."
I swallowed hard and my hand did a little thing where it bent up at the wrist, still resting on my leg, and waved.
The next night wasn't anything like what I'd been told to fear.
No paddles. No blindfolds. No one wearing dark hoods.
There were candles. And there were low lights. Six of us pledges stood in a row in front of a table – I felt a small vindication of not learning everyone's name since we were down two. Darius said some true things to each of us, by name, about who we'd turned out to be over the fall. They said each one had been written by each person's big. With Jasper, there was a line about how he got to know most people in a strong, intimate way, and there were a lot of nods around the room. The list was alphabetical, so after Jasper came me.
Darius said he'd watched a guy show up in September ... and then he paused. He looked around the room and put down his phone.
"Before I finish what Tav wrote, I want to say something personal here."
"What are you doing?" Nik whispered, loudly enough in the silence for us all to hear.
"President's prerogative." Nik stepped back. "To become a pledge, it requires a majority vote and someone has to agree to be their mentor, their Big over the course of the semester. This isn't just a formality, some votes are often unanimous and we let things shake out over the next couple months, but some are contentious. We look for a lot of different things before offering you your pledge letter, and I want to be honest because I think it's important. Josiah – Si – you didn't get a majority vote."
My heart sank and my face flushed, and a few people started to protest.
"Guys, calm down. You didn't get a majority vote at first. Someone here advocated very strongly for you to join. He said that he thought we could help you in a way that you wouldn't get out of CU otherwise. There were a lot of other things he said, and after that there was a re-vote. You easily got a majority that time, and that's why you were offered a letter.
"You're still here. And we're initiating you tonight. I look around at the six of you and I think of everyone, I'm the most proud of you. You guys might not realize it, but I keep a close eye on things. I know a lot of what goes on even if you don't think I do. I have to, otherwise I wouldn't be doing my job. Si, when you came to that first party, you seemed like a loner, an outsider, who had no idea what the fuck you're doing. I can tell you've grown so much since then, even if you're still – we're all still – figuring our shit out. I know you have your family outside of school, but here, this is a brotherhood that doesn't do conditions. I'm very proud to initiate you into ΔΚΣ."
The room erupted in cheers, and Jasper grabbed me by the shoulders and gave me a hug. I stood there, shell-shocked, trying to figure out what was going on.
After a few moments, Nik came forward and hushed everyone, and he reminded Darius, "You're supposed to read what Tav wrote."
"Oh, right." He brought his phone back up.
"Naw man, we good," Tav spoke up from the other side of the room. "Couldn't've said it better myself."
Darius nodded, then continued with Oliver in his list.
For me, it was a blur. My ears were ringing in a way that all the other noises and words and claps sounded a million miles away, or maybe just about 100 miles away. I reached up again, and again felt nothing around my neck. A moment of panic again, and my eyes caught Levi in the crowd. He was there, and it was safe. This group of people had accepted me, and they'd done it with more, louder cheers than my church ever had. And it seemed more genuine than they ever did.
I couldn't help it, and my eyes started to feel wet, and somehow Jasper turned me to the side with a handshake and let me blink them away before I turned back. Somehow, without looking, I'd found a sanctuary where people seemed to accept me for who I was instead of what they expected me to be.
At some point, the initiation was done, and the last part was that we had to accept it by blowing out our candles. Which, "You get to keep as a nifty souvenir or for the next time the power goes out. Dues gotta go somewhere."
So there I was, walking slowly through a crowd of guys, holding a candle, and I couldn't think because I didn't know what to think.
Tav found me. "You good?"
I looked at him and thought. And smiled. "Yah, I'm good."
He smiled back at me. "Good. Me, too." He looked down at my feet, then back in my eyes. "So, a full member. Pledge rules don't apply. If you wanna ... you know ..."
I shifted from his eyes, and somehow, in the crowd, I saw Levi. He raised a red Solo cup to me and nodded.
A sign.
I took Tav's arm and stroked down his forearm to his hand, squeezing the muscle, and I smiled at him. His room was a dichotomy. It looked like he tried, but couldn't keep it clean, while Kenji's side was immaculate. I'd seen it a few times, and every time Tav said "I was in the middle of cleaning but had to study." Tonight was no different, he said the same words as he turned around from closing the door after putting a sock on the handle.
I shrugged.
"You still good?"
"Yah."
"Good."
He closed the distance between us and his big arms surrounded me. His head tilted down to kiss me. I kissed him back, my lips pressed against his pillowy lips and I was finally pressed against the man I'd been eyeing ever since that party. My arms went around his back, and I pressed into him. His muscles were firm underneath his skin, slightly soft and asking to be gripped.
It felt so good, and I felt myself rise up. I felt him hard against me.
I let go, and he looked at me, concerned. "I think I want something?"
"What," he asked.
"I– I want to ... I want to ..." I swallowed. "I want to suck your cock."
His eyes shot open, then his eyebrows lowered and he smiled. "Well, if that's all, I think that can be arranged."
He smiled with half his face, and he quickly took off his pants. Then he pulled my shirt off and before he could do anything else, I kneeled down. I gripped him, warm and throbbing in my hand, the dark skin contrasting with my pale, vampire-like complexion. It was hard, yielding, and the scent coming off was heavenly.
I opened my mouth and licked it, and it was good.
I kept my mouth open and sucked it in, and I felt it, warm and heavy against my tongue, a good size for my mouth.
He pulled me off him, and he went to the bed. I got my pants off on the way. He lay back and let me climb over. I got a knee on either side of his thick legs, and I went back down to what I'd started.
I took him – his cock – in my mouth again. It was thick enough that my jaw ached just a bit, but it still felt good in my mouth as I breathed through my nose. His hand came to the back of my head, not pushing, just resting, heavy. I tongued the underside of his cock and remembered every almost-touch he'd caught himself on all semester and here it finally was: his hand was in my hair, and there was absolutely no rule to stop us, to tell us what to do, to keep it constrained. I worked him with my mouth and my hand together; he got louder, and I liked that I was the reason.
"Fuck, Si." His hips came up a little and I took it. "Yah. Just like that."
I could say the words now, in my own head at least, and with the words I'd already said there was a new one: I wanted his cum. I sucked harder for it. My own dick was hard and ignored between my legs and I didn't care, I just wanted his, I wanted to be the one who got it out of the guy the whole house looked at, the guy who could have anyone and he wanted me.
Then he interrupted me. He tapped my shoulder. "Up here. C'mere." I let his cock drop from my mouth, reluctantly letting him go, and he pulled me up his body and flipped us. All that size and muscles weren't just for tackling on the field, and he put me under him and kissed down my chest. His mouth found my aching cock and the words that came from my mouth should have made me blush. He was slow and thorough, a wet heat from his mouth paired with his hand, and my body ascended it fast.
Then his hands moved my legs up and his mouth moved lower, past where anyone had gone. I felt his breath and I knew what he was going to do. My whole body wanted it, but there was something else going on in the back of my mind.
"Wait. Not that. Not— not that. I'm not ready for that."
He stopped. "Okay. That's fine, that's all I need to hear."
"Yah. Anything else. Just not that."
"Okay," he said, smiling, and he moved back up and took me in his mouth again and I settled into the pleasure.
Then he flipped around, his cock so close to me, and with his warm mouth and soft lips settling into a rhythm on mine, I swallowed him again. I know I was awkward, but Tav didn't seem to care.
Everything from tonight, from the semester, the almost-but-not touching was building quickly, I felt the pressure rising up through my balls. I moaned around his cock and he grasped my ass in his hands and pulled me into his mouth more, my balls burying his nose and I felt that climax pass through me. I felt his mouth milking my cock and my mouth was slack; he pulled out, and while still swallowing my cum he rapidly stroked his own cock and started to shoot across my face. True to my desire, I stuck my tongue out, tasting him, the saltiness saturating my tastebuds.
He exhaled loudly, and he climbed off, turned around, and lay next to me. My body was wrung out and humming, every nerve felt tingly.
And I looked at him, and I looked at the ceiling, and I waited. And I didn't feel it. That thing that I'd felt when Levi kissed me – or I kissed him, I couldn't remember which – the one with no bodies at all. The way I'd felt then was different.
I looked back to Tav, and his eyes were closed. He still smiled. I kissed him, and he kissed me back. His eyes opened, and that same thing: He asked, "You good?"
"Yah, I'm good. Thanks."
"Thank you."
I smiled. I got off the bed and I went to get my clothes. "Thanks for everything. Thanks for being my Big, sticking up for me for the pledge thing, the CHEM notes ... tonight ... thanks for everything."
He propped himself up on one hand and looked at me, the smile fading. "Si?"
"Yah?"
"I gotta tell you something, just so you don't get the wrong impression."
My heart sank. I didn't want to hear this, what everyone had warned me of—
"—I'm not the one who pushed for you to get a pledge letter. I voted for you, but I wasn't your advocate."
I looked at him, more confused than I'd been since trying to cram for finals next week. "But ... if not you ... ?"
He kept looking at me. "Did you enjoy the sex? The blowjobs? Did you enjoy that just now?"
"Of course? It felt great! I've wanted you all semester."
He nodded. "But, did you feel anything else?"
"I don't know what you're asking."
"Si, I'm really glad we did this. It was great, and I finally got to say 'yes.' But I don't think I'm what you really want. Look, I know people think I'm kinda the dumb jock, but football's over. I've watched you all semester, helping you. Some things I can't do for you, you need to figure it out yourself."
He lay back on the bed and was quiet. I looked at him, confused, and my hand again went to my chest. Gone, the necklace was still not there. It was with Levi.
Fuck.
I ran out the door.
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