Off Campus

Seth’s Perspective

Dylan brought Grammaw’s car up from North Carolina for me over the weekend. It was big, old, ugly, and so outdated that it had a cassette player in the radio. It was the most amazing vehicle I had ever seen and it was all mine. I owned it. I earned it! I was so excited; I sent my brothers a million pictures of it (including a shot of the tape deck) and I wanted to drive it everywhere. I went to the DMV on Saturday and got it registered, I also got my Wisconsin driver’s license. I felt different, more independent. I had my own life here with Zach, and the driver’s license with our shared address on it seemed to make it official.

We spent the weekend showing Dylan a good time in the big city, he was hilarious. Like a cub version of Brody in looks, but personality-wise he was the polar opposite. Brody was shy, where Dylan was outgoing, loud even, and a hugger. Him and Zach were best buds five minutes after they met. For some reason, straight boys loved Zach, my brothers, Teddy, now Dylan. I think it was because Zach didn’t seem gay. He was a regular, hot jock, smart as hell and didn’t fit a single stereotype, he just happened to be into guys (more specifically… me). He was a guy’s guy.

It was Monday morning and the first time I’d be driving my own car to work. I parked it on campus before classes like I had been doing with Zach’s GTI. Zach laughed because I parked far away from the other cars. “Shit, Seth” he said laughing, “You never treated my car like that.” I smiled because he was right. But this was MY car and I intended to baby the shit out of it and make it last another 25 years. After class I drove to the office with a smile on my face for the entire drive. That car handled like a dream and just floated over the freeway. I pulled into the garage, parked it in a safe corner away from all the other cars and went up to the office. I had been working there a few weeks and felt very comfortable. The Dr.’s and Celia trusted me and treated me like part of the team. When I walked in Celia greeted me and said “Hey, Seth. I need to leave at 3:00 today, can you take over the front desk for me?”

“Sure” I said. I had never done that before, but Celia gave me a quick rundown on answering the phone, making appointments, and greeting patients. I could handle it. I greeted everyone else in the office, dropped my bag at my desk, and took my spot at the front desk to observe Celia before she left. It wasn’t difficult but she worked her butt off. She was amazing, she made a great first impression and had a talent for making every patient feel at ease. She left right at 3:00 and I was in charge, I was proud that they trusted me enough to leave me alone at the front desk. It didn’t take long for me to settle in and feel comfortable with my newly found responsibilities. I had been greeting patients, answering calls, and scheduling appointments like an absolute pro. A patient walked in as I was hanging up the phone, I looked up and in my best professional voice said, “Good afternoon, how can I Help you?” When I looked up, I saw a cute young patient with a look of terror on his face. It was Elliot. Elliot and I had several classes together and were study buddies. We had run into each other around campus several times since our first semester but had just recently become friends and I didn’t know a lot about him other than he grew up in Milwaukee and still lived at home.

“Hi Elliot” I said smiling, not sure what the protocol for seeing your friend at a shrink’s office was.

“Um… hi… um Seth” he eked out in a crackling voice. “What are… um, why are you…?” It was so clear he was embarrassed to be seen there by a friend. It was awkward as hell. I did my best to be professional.

“I’m interning here this semester with Dr. Aarons” I said with a the warmest, most nonjudgmental smile and tone I could find. I looked at the appointments on my screen and saw his name. “I see you have a 4:00 with Dr. Aarons. He’s finishing up with a patient and will be right with you, can I get you coffee, or water or something?” I wanted to ask him a million questions about why he was there, but it was none of my damn business and I didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was, hell it was awkward for me, I could only imagine how tough it was for him.

“um, no… I’m fine” he said meekly. “Um, I just come here to talk to Dr. Aarons and…”

I interrupted him. “He’s the best” I said, then tried to put him at ease. “Hey Elliot, you don’t owe me an explanation at all, and this stays strictly between us. Okay?” I could tell by the expression on his face that he felt a little relief, but it was still awkward. Before he could even take a seat, Dr. Aarons emerged from the door that led to the offices wan walked his last patient out. He then turned to Elliot and greeted him.

“Elliot, good to see you” he said with a smile and a happy tone, “come on in.” Elliot looked at the ground as he followed the Dr., then glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. I wasn’t sure what to do about this, I felt like I was violating Elliot’s privacy and decided to talk to Dr. Aarons about it after Elliot left. Elliot was the last appointment of the day so I started doing Celia’s closing routine, cleaning the coffeepot, wiping down the kitchen area, locking the file drawers up front, that kind of stuff. That hour was one of the slowest of my lifetime. I felt like I did something wrong and was afraid that I messed up my internship even though all I was guilty of was doing my job.

Elliot’s session was FINALLY over and Dr. Aarons walked him to the door. I could tell he was still spooked when he said goodbye to me in a quiet voice of embarrassment. The Dr. locked the door behind him and turned to look at me. “Hey, Seth” he said with a smile, “When you’re ready to go can you come into my office for a minute?”

“Sure” I replied with also smiling while my insides were yelling ‘OH SHIT HE’S GONNA FIRE YOU!’ I kept telling myself that I didn’t do anything wrong, but it didn’t feel that way. I couldn’t decide it I wanted to speed through my duties so we could get this talk over with, or if I wanted to slow down and pray that he’d go home and forget to talk to me. I ended up moving at my normal pace. I gathered my stuff, grabbed my bag, and went to the Dr.’s office. I tapped lightly on the half-open door, “hi Dr. Aarons, you wanted to see me?” I said in a hushed voice.

“Hey, Seth. Come in” he said with a cheerful voice and a smile on his face while my heart sank into my chest. He got right to it, “so, Elliot tells me you two know each other” he said with a more serious tone and expression.

“Yes, sir” I answered looking down, then I made eye contact and said “I am so sorry… I didn’t mean to…” he cut me off with a chuckle, keeping the mood light.

“You didn’t do anything to be sorry for, Seth” He was smiling warmly as he leaned back in his big leather chair. “If anything, this is my bad, it should have occurred to me that you both went to UWM and may know each other. I could’ve made other arrangements do you didn’t run into each other. These things happen.” He said very calmly, letting me off the hook. “I remember when I first started dating Bill, my now husband, it was my first year of practicing and he had just started his job at the firm. I went out to meet him and some of his new coworkers for drinks.” He said in an empathetic tone, understanding that I felt horrible about all this. “I sat down next to him at the high-top table, When I looked up, I was staring into the eyes of one of my patients. He was a colleague of Bill’s who had been coming in to talk about his secret desire of a coworker.”

“Bill?” I asked.

He nodded “yup.”

“Oh my god, that must’ve been awkward!” I said. “What did you do?”

“Well at our next session we discussed it, and considering the situation, I ended up referring him to a colleague of mine. To this day I haven’t told Bill or anyone else for that matter. Other than the patient and the other Dr. you’re the only one I have shared this with.” I was honored that he trusted me. “The point is that this stuff happens, Seth” he continued. “The important thing is how we handle it. Never forget that you are a professional even at your tender age, and that everything that happens here stays here.” I nodded. I had signed a confidentiality agreement when I started, so none of this information was new. Then he went on to talk to me about how to deal with the situation. “Do not bring this up with Elliot and do your best to treat him the exact same way you always have. If he brings it up, just listen don’t pry. He’ll offer up what he’s comfortable with.”

“How was Elliot?” I asked, “Was he upset?”

“I little bit” The Dr. responded, “But after we talked, I think he’s confident, as am I, that his privacy is safe with you.”

“Absolutely, sir” I said with a serious expression and a nod. Dr. Aarons smile warmly, and we said our goodnights. I greatly appreciated the lesson in ethics, confidentiality, and professionalism because I had no clue how I was going to handle this, I felt so much better after our talk.

I left the office and went down to my car to head home. As I pulled out of the parking structure, I saw Elliot standing there by the bus stop right outside of the exit shivering in the cold Wisconsin air. I rolled down the passenger window to talk to him, apparently his ride didn’t show up and he was hoping the bus could get him closer to home. I offered him a ride. I wasn’t sure it was the best idea, but I also hoped it was an opportunity to clear the air. He got into the car and slipped across the plastic seat covers and chuckled a little bit “Plastic seat covers?” He said mockingly.

“I just bought this car and they were already here, the car is in such perfect condition and I don’t want to mess it up, so I left them.” I said with an embarrassed laugh. He laughed then told me that he lived with his parents in Wauwatosa and either rode with his dad to school or took the bus. He had been saving up for a car but all he could find in his price range was junk. I told him about my car search and my luck falling into Grammaw’s car. It was a great ice-breaker as I drove him home. He was laughing and seemed at ease again.

“Hey, Seth. Listen” He said in a serious tone. “Um… the reason I see Dr. Aarons…” I cut him off again telling him he didn’t have to explain himself to me. “But I want to” he said as he inhaled deeply “I’m gay” he said exhaling, “You’re the only friend I’ve ever told.”

I thought about what Dr. Aarons had told me about listening and not prying. I looked at him and thought about how to best respond. I remembered back to when I came out and the word ‘proud’ made me feel accepted. I don’t know why, but that was the word I hoped to hear whenever I came out someone. Brad, Scotty and all their friends said it to me when I came out and it made things better for me, so I used it. “That’s a big deal. I’m proud of you, and I’m honored that you told me.” I said with a smile, he smiled back at me, then I added. “I’m gay too.”

He laughed and said “well, yeah I figured.” I punched him playfully in the arm. He asked if I had any gay friends. I told him about my boyfriend Zach first so that he knew the boundaries, then I told him about all my friends at the Duplex. We pulled up to the beautiful old Tudor he lived in with his family, it wasn’t far from the breakfast place that Brody had taken us to on Saturday. We stayed in the car with the engine running and the heat blasting for about fifteen or twenty minutes just talking and getting to know each other. He wanted to know about my friends, he had seen me with Max and Zach on campus before. Then he asked about my family and I told him everything… about my dad, Brad and Scotty, the guys from the village back home. He was wide eyed and engaged. He wanted every detail. “God, you’re so lucky! I don’t even know any other gay people. My mom and dad ere accepting, but I know they think there’s something wrong with me… hence the visits with Dr. Aarons.” Elliot was really a nice guy, I hoped I wasn’t crossing any lines by being so friendly with him. I wanted to invite him to hang out with us but decided to clear it with Dr. Aarons first. When we said goodbye, he asked if he could hug me, I smiled and nodded and leaned in for a hug. When he did, he thanked me for listening and said it felt good to tell someone. He waved to me from the curb as I pulled away and headed home.

That night was the first big test of my ability to maintain confidentiality. Zach was already home and we were making dinner together, he asked me about my day and I wanted to tell him all about running into Elliot, not in a gossipy kind of way, but in an I found a new friend kind of way. But I didn’t. Instead, I told him about manning the front desk and other typical office stuff. It was weird for me because I hated keeping secrets, especially from Zach, but if I was going to be a psychiatrist and he was going to be a lawyer, secrets would be part of our life together. I would have to reconcile in my mind that some secrets are necessary and can be good.

After dinner we were both studying on the couch when Cam came up. It was about 9:00 and he had just come home from work and wanted to talk. “I’m ready to hit the sack, I’ll leave you guys to it” Zach said as he pecked my cheek, went into our bedroom, and shut the door.

“So, what’s up with you?” I asked.

Cam used to be kind of meek but ever since his attack in Chicago he had become stronger and more direct. “Things are getting weird with Eric” He said, “Ever since we met RJ and Travis, he’s been like… I don’t know, on the prowl I guess.”

I was listening, but not quiet understanding what he was trying to tell me. “What do you mean ‘on the prowl’?

“Like, checking out every guy we see and asking me if I want to play with them” he said, thinking through his issue. “It’s like all the relationship has gone out of our relationship, it’s all sex now. We just don’t talk anymore unless it’s about other guys that he wants to get into bed. I talk a more to Max about normal stuff than I do Eric; we have an awesome friendship… the more I think about it the more confused I get.” I watched Cam as he processed his confusing relationship, “It’s like when there were three of us, we cared about each other and watched out for each other, but now that it’s just me and Eric it’s all about sex… and NOT sex with me. He always brings up other guys and how he wants to watch them fuck me.” Cam went through a lot of examples of Eric checking out guys and the comments he’d make, then he got extremely graphic about sex with Travis and RJ. “Eric pushed me to let them both to fuck me, like I was a sex toy he was sharing. RJ is so fucking hung, Seth. I mean seriously, it’s like the size of your forearm… It was like being fisted!” He said, then stood up. “Hey, you got a beer?” He asked as he headed into the kitchen to check our refrigerator. I followed him. We grabbed a couple of beers, then leaned against the kitchen counter and continued our conversation. “The night that Max walked in on us I got fucked by RJ for the first time. It took all three of them working my hole to get me prepped. All three guys ate me out for over a half hour. They were opening me up with their tongues and fingers, it was so fucking hot. All attention was on my hole. Once I was loosened up, Eric fucked me hard doggy style. He was a man possessed, I mean he didn’t give a fuck about me, he was rough, pulling my hair, smacking my ass hard. I tried to stop him, or even just slow him down a little but he just kept fucking me hard.”

Now I was getting concerned for my friend, “Did he hurt you?”

“It hurt in the moment, but I was fine later, my ass cheeks and hole were sore as hell, but I was okay. Honestly, at first it was hot, but after a while I just wanted it to end.” Cam said, then sipped his beer. I was trying to get a read on him. He wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t happy. “Next Travis fucked me. Oh my god, his cock is curved downward and hit me in places that were brand new, he was much gentler and caring and it felt good. I almost came hands-free, but before I could, he pulled out and RJ took his place. Like I said, he’s fucking huge, Seth. It hurt like hell going in, my hole was burning, I was screaming and begging for him to stop.”

“What did Eric do?” I asked.

“He just egged him on and told me to shut up and take it.” That really concerned me, one of the things Cam loved about being with Eric and Max was that they made him feel safe and looked out for him, I wasn’t hearing that from my friend now and I assume that’s why Cam was there talking to me. He didn’t feel as safe as he used to. “Travis asked me if I was okay while RJ jackhammered his huge tool in and out of me, and Eric just stroked himself while he watched. When I told Travis I wasn’t okay, he got RJ off me.” Cam’s whole demeanor changed; he was quieter now as he told me the rest. “The three of them stroked each other and shot their loads on me. It wasn’t fun for me, Seth.”

“Did you talk to Eric about all this?” I asked.

“Yeah, and he just kept telling me how hot it was, he didn’t seem to care that I wasn’t into it.” Cam answered. “We’ve slept with them a couple of more times since and it was a lot tamer, but me and Eric are different now, our relationship has changed and I don’t like it. Max left because he wanted a real relationship, I’m not ready to settle down yet, but I don’t want to be a fucking sex toy either. I just want to have some fun.”

“If Eric isn’t hearing what you’re telling him, then maybe you need to break up with the guy” I suggested. Cam just shrugged; he’d obviously thought about it already. I loved Eric and had known him for over a year and a half. In that time, I’d watched him go from shy farm boy to a more bold, aggressive sexual being. The more Eric explored his sexuality the more insatiable his sexual appetite got. First it was a quiet relationship with Max, then that wasn’t enough so he fucked his ex-girlfriend on the side, then Cam joined him and Max and they explored the throuple thing, then RJ and Travis showed up and apparently, he let them use Cam as a fuck toy, now it sounds like they weren’t enough to satisfy him either and he was looking for more, and poor Cam was getting caught in the tailwinds. “What do you want from life?” I asked Cam.

He gave me a weird look and said “That’s a deep fucking question, Seth. I don’t know, I’m freaking 20 years old! I’m not really thinking about the future so much as the now” he answered honestly.

“Well, is Eric the now? It sure as hell doesn’t sound like he’s the future.” I offered.

“Well, the sex has been amazing since we all met, but I think I’m kind of over it. I mean, I didn’t get why Max broke stuff off at first, but I get it now.”

“Have you talked to Max about any of this?”

“No” Cam said quietly, “I can’t talk to him about this, it’s not fair to pull him back into our bullshit. You’re the only one I can confide in.” He Paused, “I’m thinking about maybe moving into the empty bedroom.” I was surprised to hear him suggest that. “I think I need a break from Eric, maybe I’ll talk to him about the three of us just being roommates and friends, at least for a while.”

“How do you think he’ll react to that.”

Cam sighed heavily “I actually think he’ll be happy about it. I mean the guy wants to fuck everything and I think I’m just in his way, and honestly… we just sleep in the bed when it’s the two of us. No cuddling anymore, no talking before we fall asleep, just him on one side and me on the other.

“Well, isn’t it gonna be hard to watch?” I asked. “You’ll be living with him, and if I know Eric that won’t stop him from bringing guys, or women home.”

“I’ll deal with it. I’m ready to be on my own too, I think. Max and Eric were great for me, they built me up from a broken mess into a strong, independent guy and I think I want to see what life is like as a single guy with a little confidence.” Cam said trying to convince himself. Then he paused, shot me a shy grin (which was totally not Cam) and said, “You know, I really like myself for the first time in a long time.”

I smiled at him, my friend had gone through some shit and I was happy to see him like this, he was getting past his own baggage. “Well, I’ve liked you since the second we met and I think you’ll have your pick of any freaking guy you want, Cam. You’re a catch.” I believed my words. He tried not to smile at me, but he couldn’t help himself. I looked at the clock on the stove and saw it was past 11:00, shit I needed to call it a night and get some sleep. “You feel better?” I asked. He nodded. Then hugged me.

“I better let you get some sleep” my oldest friend said as he embraced me. “Thanks for listening, Seth.”

“Always, Cam. Good luck with Eric, you know where to find me if you need me” I said as he walked out the kitchen door and down the steps to his place. I shut all the blinds, locked the front door, turned the lights off and made my way to our bedroom. Zach was laying on the bed snoring with the TV on in the background, goddammit he was so ridiculously beautiful lying there shirtless on top of the covers with his sweatpants on and his legs crossed. I just stood in the doorway and looked at him for a while, thinking about my friends still trying to figure out who they were and what they wanted. I already knew. With that thought, I slipped into bed, through an arm around my fiancé, rested my head on his chest, and fell asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

For the next couple of days things were calm. On campus, Elliot and I hung out together a lot, he was obviously past his initial fear and embarrassment of being seen by me at the shrink’s office. He was a lot more open and talkative around me now, I had liked him since we met, but I was really loving this side of him and hoped that Dr. Aarons would be good with us hanging out together and being friends. Back at the duplex it was eerily quiet. Max spent most of his time up at Brody’s, Cam spent a lot of time upstairs with me and Zach, and Eric seemed to be staying away from the house. Cam hadn’t spoken with him yet but I was pretty sure he knew what Cam was thinking.

On Wednesday I went to the office and they had me at the front desk again, at the end of the day I went in and spoke with Dr. Aarons again. I told him that I gave Elliot a ride home the other day and he had come out to me. To my surprise, Dr. Aarons thought it was a great thing. “Coming out to one of his peers is huge progress, Seth. How did you respond?” He asked me.

“I told him I was I was proud of him, and honored he shared that with me.” Dr. Aarons smiled at my response and then I told him about our conversations. Then I asked “Would it be crossing a line if we hung out as friends? He told me he didn’t have any gay friends and I was going to invite him to hang out with us. But I was afraid I was crossing a line.”

Dr. Aarons thought for a moment “Are you inviting him because you feel sorry for him?”

“No!” I barked back a little offended by the question. “We knew each other from classes and were just becoming friends, but we really connected on the ride home.”

Dr. Aarons cut me off and said “I was just asking, Seth. I think it’s good that you’re friends… he needs some gay friends. Just don’t forget that he’s still extremely closeted, let him come out at his own pace.” I nodded. I completely understood what he was saying.

Thursday morning before class I invited Elliot to come over to our flat for Movie night on Friday, he was so excited to meet the guys, even though they were all pretty much coupled up, he was still looking forward to hanging out with us, with other people like him; for the first time. Unfortunately for him, Thursday night the shit hit the fan at the duplex. Cam told Eric that he wanted to take a break and was moving into the spare room. Eric took didn’t react exactly as expected… He agreed whole heartedly and took the “break” as an opportunity to go wild. In fact, after they spoke, Cam started moving into the third bedroom while eric showered, got dressed and headed out to get laid.

Things at the duplex were changing again.

To be continued…