My secret dreams

I had my first gay experience when I was 19. A neighbor I've hung out with since I was 15 took me home and sucked my cock. None of the girls I ever dated did that. After a few more times he asked me to do it for him. Do you know what they say? "I may have painted portraits all my life, but they will never call me an artist. But suck one cock, and you are a cock sucker for life. So, I've been a cock sucker ever since. 

Gay hookups are complicated and scary for me. My friend and I kept in touch and got together now and then. But it seems like you're always looking for that next, new experience for some reason. I got laid at a party one Halloween. Like an idiot, I put on one of my older sister's prom dresses from when she was in high school. She left a lot of clothes when she moved out. When I left home, I took as much as I could sneak out of the house. Which was a lot. Some lazy days I'd open one of the boxes and rummage through it. Always finding some new garment or pair of heels, or an exciting piece of lingerie. I wore a cute matching pair of pink panties and a push-up bra under the prom dress. I looked pretty good with my hair slicked back and some eye shadow on. But there was no mistaking I was still a boy. 

An older guy caught me drunk and took me back to some bedroom. He was dressed in a suit and wearing a 'big bad wolf' mask. He threw me down on the bed and held me there. He was talking to me the whole time, telling me what a pretty boy I was. I knew what was happening. I let him do it with no real resistance. I was hoping I'd enjoy it. But I didn't realize how deep his cock had been in me until the next day. My butt hurt for a long time. 

I had a few more encounters, but the guy at Halloween always stuck in my head. Maybe it was the costumes? Or just the way he took me. One moment I was standing there, innocent and happy, the next I'm face down in some pillows with a horny man climbing all over me. So now when I masturbate, I always drift back to that night. The tight sexy clothes I was wearing, and that aggressive, dominant guy. I can't think of anything else.

I met a guy through a friend and we seemed to hit it off. The sex was nice. But a little too romantic, really. I wanted him to take me. Hard and rough. I wanted him to suggest I wear some girl's underclothes. Humiliate me in them. Maybe even tie me up. Or tie me down. I wanted him to make me his bitch. But he seems just as submissive as I am. 

The internet has a few dominant Master type websites. But they are all pretty scary. Guys posting pictures of their dungeon basements with whips and chains everywhere. They all look hairy and much too rough. More than I want. What do I want? I want that guy at the party again. Some day maybe he will show up again. Or someone just like him. I wish. I dream. I hope for the perfect lover.