My Journey

It all started with a dream…

I was in my early thirties.  These were days when I’d never had an inkling of a “gay” thought.  I was 100% straight, I’d been with over a dozen women and while my sex life was inconsistent, I got laid often enough.  A couple of relationships had lasted a few years and this part of my life was generally okay.

Before the advent of the internet, porn was found in adult bookstores or hidden away in my father’s sock drawer.  He had the old 8 mm movies on reels and later a collection of VHS tapes.  I got the sense he was into what I considered at the time to be some deviant stuff, a product of my Catholic upbringing… stuff like anal sex and I that made me feel bad for my mom.   He had a couple of “serious sex study” books that discussed anal and lesbian sex, pissing & scat, and I remember there was a chapter on male homosexuality with a few black and white pictures of two guys kissing, sucking and fucking.  This chapter disgusted me; I could not understand at all what could drive a man to suck another guy’s cock.

I grew up in a college town and there was this one guy who would hang out in the same place every night looking for someone he could hook up with.  His name was Bruce and we all called him Brucie.  Brucie would also leave messages in some of the toilets around campus.  Sadly, he often appeared battered and bruised, and while I was in no way interested in what he had to offer, I kinda felt sorry for the guy.  I thought he was sick, in the perverted way, but it just didn’t seem right to me for guys to beat hell out of him.  I never actually saw this happen, but Brucie's bruises gave it away.  Sorry for the tangent, I’m just trying to drive home the point that, at this point in my life, there was no way I’m a cock sucking faggot.  This was all around the time I got out of high school, started college and began my adult life, ten or twelve years before IT happened.

I was going through a rough patch in my life; I’d just broken up with a girl I really cared about and I was drinking way too much.  I’d stopped drinking for a few weeks and was just starting to feel pretty decent.  I was starting to sleep normally and I was dreaming a lot, often very realistic seeming dreams.  On the night I speak of, I found myself in a very dark room, lying on what seemed to be a gurney.  I was totally naked except for the guy that was lying on top of me, with his toes beyond my head and his cock in my mouth.  And my cock was in his!  Of course, I awakened to find myself alone in my bed and all was good, except that I had this raging erection and pondering the thought of having another man’s dick in my throat.  I had barely touched myself when I had the most powerful orgasm that I had ever experienced.  Semen shot into my hair, onto my face and across my lips.  At this time, I’d never even considered tasting my own cum, why would I?

But this time, with cum on my lips, I tried it and found that it was sorta okay.  In fact, I kind of liked it, enough so that I found I didn’t need a sock anymore – it was much easier just to lick it all up.  The next morning I tried to ignore it, telling myself that it was just a weird dream and that there was absolutely no way that I was queer.  But, I couldn’t quite shake that feeling.  By now, the net was around and porn was more accessible online.  Not so much gay porn, but porn was generally much more available.  I’ve always been very oral and I loved eating pussy but getting a blowjob was the greatest.  I was watching a lot of straight sex and had a special affinity for blowjobs.  My problem was that I found myself wishing that I was the girl in the video and that I was the one giving head.  I found a few cum-in-mouth compilations and I especially liked the ones where the guy dropped his load in the girl’s mouth and the cum spilled along his shaft; I longed to clean it up.  I forced myself to watch a lot of lesbian porn, hoping that would help me to stop thinking about cock.  But, it didn’t. 

I soon found myself looking at guys when I drove around town, wondering about what their cocks looked like and how it would feel to hold one in my mouth… just until the swelling went away.  I looked at pictures of cocks and found that my favorite angle was from below, like I was on my knees waiting for it to be fed to me.  Cum dripping from it made it that much hotter

I thought I was going nuts.  I just knew that there was no one I could talk to about this.  I didn’t know any gays, and I certainly wasn’t going to mention this to anyone else I knew.  But, I was seeing a counselor for depression and I had a sense that he might be queer.  No real reason, he just talked with a lisp.  I certainly wasn’t interested in him; he was a big guy, well on the heavy side and not at all physically the kind of guy I found myself ogling – I just thought he might be a fag.  It took me several months, but these thoughts were not going away no matter how hard I tried to push them into the closet.  And try I did, they just wouldn’t go away.

By this time, I’d purchased a dildo, one of the realistic one’s modeled after a porn actor.  Whenever I masturbated while sucking (or fucking) this rubber cock, my orgasms were much stronger and the amount of cum that I shot was a lot more than when I watched porn with women.  I found (and feared) that I just wasn’t getting quite as hard watching women.  I also had the first episode of my life with an actual, real, live, attractive woman where I found that I just couldn’t get it up.  Eventually, I did get it up, but it was difficult trying to fantasize that it was a guy sucking my dick with my face buried in her cunt.  I spent more time licking her ass than her pussy.

Anyhow, back to the therapy sessions…  I finally mentioned this to Andy and was mortified to find out that he was actually not at all gay.  He just sounded like it.  But, he was understanding and assured me that I was not the only guy to have the feelings I was having and that I was probably not the only guy in the area to have them.  I left the session, not feeling all that much better, but he had at least encouraged me with a plan.  Along with the internet and all the porn, came online dating and hookup sites.  He recommended that I post an ad and see what popped up.  At first, what popped up was my cock, whenever I had online discussions sex with guys.

It was around this time that I found myself in a small nearby city, one with an adult video store and peep show booths.  I been a few times before (before I'd started having these strange new thoughts) and wondered about the guys standing around in the dark hallways _ I always watched straight or lesbian stuff and always locked the door.  This night, I found a gay flick, one with three guys lying in a circle and each sucking another.  I had just been able to remove my cock from my jeans when I felt the door open against my foot.  I had forgotten to lock the door!  My foot was pushed aside and into the dark room came a guy about my age.  I started to say something when he dropped to his knees and took my cock into his mouth.  I was so hot from watching the 3-way BJ that I came almost immediately.  He swallowed and continued to suck me.  My cock never softened before I was soon aware that I was going to cum again.  I exploded into his mouth a second time and he got up and kissed me and spit some of my cum into my mouth.  He left without a word and I sat there, dumbfounded.  I had just had my very first experience with another guy and had a multiple orgasm, something that I promise had never happened with a woman

I left wanting so much more.  I wanted to be the one on my knees sucking the cock and tasting the cum.  I still just could not make myself actually meet someone and do the deed.  I found myself in such a state of despair that I knew I would have to do this if it meant going to the peep show and dropping into a booth.  

It was then, that you answered my post.  We talked for a long while and you let me know that you understood where I was.  You were patient and gave me the time I needed, time I needed to feel comfortable that I wasn’t going to be outed and time to look over the pictures you had sent me of your package.  Your dick was really nice, cut, it didn’t look too big for my first, and certainly not too small; it looked just right and I had drooled over and dreamed about it for many a night.  Then, on one of those nights, you appeared at my door and I let you in…