My 16th Year

Chapter 11

Communion

Hitch hiking down from Seattle was an eye opener. Meeting Raymond, and then Kyle and Ingmar was worth all the discomfort and difficulties I had encountered. Working for a furniture mover for a week had been interesting, but making a friend who could accept me for myself was downright good. Earl wasn't like anyone I had met before. He was an artist, and he was gay, so I guess that gave him a lot of room to be different from everyone else. To this point in my life, I'd known no artists and damn few gays, so everything I learned was new.

It only took a few hours for Earl and me to begin touching each other in more than a friendly way. This scared me. It was exciting, and I wasn't scared of doing stuff, but I was scared this was the way it was going to be. It hadn't been but a few hours before Raymond and I were doing it my first day on the road. Then it was only a few days after hooking up with Ingmar and Kyle that I wanted to be involved with Kyle. I didn't want to be like that. I wanted to find my love and stick with him, but I thought my only real shot at that so far had been Carl, and eight days after we met, he left for Japan for a year. Not exactly circumstances that could help me get my feet planted firmly under me.

I had made my own decision to travel and to try to find some gay support group or at least people I could depend on. Afterward, I planned to return home and come out to my family. If I ended up on my ear, which I strongly suspected I would, then I would have a back-up plan. I'd read about kids being tossed out on the street after coming out. My best friend had committed suicide rather than live a gay life. These were all factors, and my own curiosity completed my need to find myself at the end of my sixteenth year.

Earl told me his grandmother was related to Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany. In fact he had royal blood flowing through his veins. All his ancestors were artists and musicians, and they had played in the courts of Europe in the nineteenth century. He showed me pictures and items he told me were from that period. He had one picture with the Kaiser riding a pure white horse and he had a helmet with large feather plumes coming out of the top. The horse and he looked imperial. He showed me someone in the picture and said it was his great grandfather, cousin to the emperor. From time to time Earl's hands rubbed my legs and my chest as we looked at items he took the time to show me. He seemed quite proud of his heritage. He also liked touching.

Late in the afternoon we lay on the bed looking at each other and he started asking me about my life. I told him everything I knew about my relatives in three minutes. We'd been in Minnesota for four generations. My father was the first college graduate in our family, and he'd been a real success. I was expected to follow in his footsteps, but I had proved to be a big disappointment in school. I told him about the bus trip to Seattle, meeting Carl, saying good-bye to Carl and hitting the road. He understood my need to find out what my life was about. He had left home at fifteen. It hadn't been the crap shoot of my departure, because he wasn't ever more than a few hours from home. He described to me the feeling of emptiness inside, and how the longing was sometimes stronger than his intellect. Even in the face of danger many times, he had put himself into situations he knew he should avoid. He thought I didn't have that tendency to face off with danger, though he thought I lacked the proper fear for doing what it was I was doing. He assured me that I could return there if things went bad for me. He had no plans to go out to meet anyone, and he was always home.

Earl gave me a lot to think about. By the time he fixed us a tuna casserole for dinner, I felt pretty comfortable around him. The fact we had made out all over the house did make it easier to see him as a friend. Besides that, he was fun, and even funny in an odd sort of a way. I felt like I was with someone my age, and I hadn't felt that way since Ralphie killed himself the month before. There's something about losing your best friend that leaves you empty. The fact he was gay and I didn't know it, and I was gay and he didn't know it, really sucked. When I talked my brother into inviting me out to Seattle, I knew it was to get away from Ralphie, or at least from his memory.

Earl did put on shorts to fix dinner, and I appreciated that. I'd been turned on all afternoon, and I was starting to hurt from the tension building in different body parts. Even in his tight shorts, I found Earl too attractive for words. He is the only person I've ever known that could get away with being naked all the time. Clothes only covered his beauty.

He also proved to be a good cook, and he assured me the casserole was his grandmother's recipe. He'd lived with her on and off and spent summers with her when he wasn't living there. She taught him about her life, her country, and introduced him to cooking, sewing, and doing laundry. He said the things she taught him were the things he used most. Especially the music which he didn't appreciate until he got older. After we ate he took me back to the work room and played several piano pieces. His hands moved along the keys like they were part of the piano. He said he failed as a concert pianist because of the size of his hands. It hadn't been his destiny to play the piano professionally, but that just turned his interest toward his painting. His grandmother left him the trust to be sure he could continue to paint every day.

I sat next to him and he showed me Chop Sticks. I imitated what he showed me, but I didn't learn anything. We laughed and giggled and ended up wrestling on the floor. It wasn't much of a wrestle. We rolled around with Earl unable to show any sign of muscle or dominance. We ended up hugging and kissing beside the piano bench.

"You still feel awkward, Billie Joe?" he asked, looking up at me with those eyes.

"No. I feel like you are closer to my age than anyone I've met out here."

"That's because I don't have any pressure on me. I do what I want. I'm still a kid, but I don't have to be grown up. I've got everything I need or want. Everything but love."

"You shouldn't have any trouble finding love. You are one of the most attractive people I've ever known. You are beautiful, you know."

"It's not any fun, Billie Joe. Everyone wants to make it with you, and no one wants you because everyone else does. I just want to settle in with someone, but no one thinks I'll stay with them. I'm too pretty for my own good."

I pressed his hair back off his forehead and kissed his lips. They were pale, but a fine contrast for his skin. His nipples were pale, almost pastel. They were large considering he was generally small all over. When I kissed him he rubbed his hands up and down my thighs stopping just at the point where he brushed up against my bulging shorts. I could feel him swelling up under my leg.

"I've got a special need, Billie Joe. If we sleep together, I'll need something special from you."

"What is it."

"I've seen you looking at my rear end. I've seen the look a hundred times. I know what it means."

"What?"

He reached further than he'd gone before and grasped me.

"You're going to be big for me. I'm small in so many ways. I don't want to scare you off, but I need to be prepared before I can take it the way you want to give it to me."

"How do you mean?"

"I can't explain it. I'll show you when you are ready."

"You've got the evidence. I can't hide it while you're holding it. I've been ready since you kissed me in the doorway. I could have thrown you on the floor right then. I don't know why, but it's what I wanted to do. I've never been like this. I mean I might jack off twice in a day, but that was rare. Now, I meet someone, and an hour later I want to be doing it with him."

"It's because you can. You never could before. It was too risky. Now you are in the candy shop, and you're looking at all that candy, and you can have almost any you want, Billie Joe. You are every gay man's dream. Most of them would love getting your tender young ass in their bed."

"It's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you. I don't care about people wanting me. It's not why I came out here. I came out here to see what being gay meant. Every time I turn around I'm meeting someone, and all I can think about is doing it with them. It's just different I guess."

"It's only eight. Would you like to go to bed with me?"

"I don't care what time it is. Yes, I would like."

Earl lay on his back and pulled my shirt up on my shoulders so I would take it off. He stared at my chest and ran his hands across it.

"You've got muscles."

"Not much. I'm starting to grow. My pants are shorter on me now, and my shirts are getting tighter."

"You're getting a body. You're going to be fine, Billie Joe. You are handsome, and going to have a hell of a body. You've got nice legs. All of them! Let's go to my room."

Earl dragged me by the hand, and I watched his ass as he strained to pull me faster. He sat me down on the bed and went to a dresser and started putting out different items, including a condom. I saw the lubricant, but didn't recognize the brightly colored plastic tube. There were two long slender items, one looked like a phony penis. The other was a straight cylinder type affair not as wide as the other one. Then he brought out two pairs of handcuffs. That really confused me.

"You ready?"

"Yeah, but what's all that stuff."

"I'll show you.

“I haven't done this in months, so I'm tight. I mean real tight. You'll lubricate this small dildo, and very gently you'll put it inside me. I mean real gentle. After using it on me a few minutes, then you'll use the larger one. That one's not as wide as you, but almost. Then when you get inside me, I'll be able to handle it."

"The handcuffs?"

"I like to be handcuffed when you do it. I don't want to touch any of the items. It's more fun for me that way. Once you get in me . You can do what you want. I mean you can really do it hard then. I'll be ready for it. These will make it better for you when you start. I'm told I'm as tight as it gets when it comes to screwing. I'm told that most people have never been in a tighter spot, and you're wider than many of them."

Earl handcuffed himself to one bed post, and handed me the other pair to cuff him to the other bed post so he was face down. I could see just a trace of hair under each of his arms. I opened the plastic tube and applied the liquid to the first cylinder. I rubbed it all over his hole before placing the cylinder at the opening. He lay perfectly still, letting me do it on my own.

The tip rested right at the spot and I tried to push it in without doing it suddenly. I applied more lubricant twice, and by the time I finished the second application, Earl was starting to twist back on it a little. I watched his body as I pushed the tip just past the sphincter muscle. I watched it twitch and his legs bent up. His lower leg bent up and his upper leg straightened out so he was mostly on his left side. He still didn't make a sound. The cylinder was now an inch inside him, and as I watched his manhood I was astounded at its increase in size when I slid the item in further. It twitched and jumped and clear liquid leaked onto his leg in a steady stream. With less than half of it inside him, he was half again his original size and the head was swollen tight and had turned dark blue as the fluid ran out of it. I slid the other three inches in, using a single steady motion, and he thrust his hips upward so he was now depositing the liquid onto the sheet. His hips seemed to be on a pivot as he worked his ass on the cylinder.

"Take it out and use the big dildo, now. I'm ready. You're good. That's perfect so far. I'll be ready for you when you do it to me."

I felt funny putting the liquid on what looked like the head of a cock. It was half again as thick as the other one, and maybe a little longer. I knew I was thicker, but something about this operation was causing me to cream myself.

"Come on, Billie Joe. I'm ready for it. Go ahead and put it in me."

I placed the head at his opening and he was helping me this time. By the time I'd worked the tip into the hole, he pushed back to slide the entire head in with one motion. The flesh colored shaft looked very much like a real cock. I watched his grow and continue to pump out liquid as I inserted the phony penis up into him. His head once more grew to an incredible size in comparison to the way it looked at rest. The color excited me, and the intensity of what this was doing to his body made me as hot as I'd ever been. I used the shaft like I would my own, and I pushed and pulled it three or four inches in and out. He moaned and his arms stretched against the handcuffs as he reacted each time I pushed or pulled.

"Are you ready?"

"You're damn right I'm ready. I can't stand it I'm so ready."

He took a breath.

"You going to do it hard?"

"Just as hard as you like."

"Do it as hard as you can. I'm ready now. Fuck me hard, Billie Joe."

I struggled getting on the condom. My hands shook, I was so nervous. As soon as I placed my head at the opening, Earl struggled to get himself on me. I watched my own shaft swelling from my excitement. As soon as I got past the ring I was sliding inside. I'd never felt anything so tight. It was like it was fitted to me. I slid in until my black hairs curled around the crack of his ass. I had to lean against him to keep from passing out. My head got all dizzy from excitement, and I was afraid I'd pull one of my instant orgasm scenes. I fought off the urge to let it go. That's when thinking about teacher's wart always worked for me.

"You okay, Billie Joe."

"Yeah. I'm just trying to calm down. You are tight for sure!"

"You can jack me off if you want. I like that. Do it while you're fucking me."

I reached around him and grabbed his cock.

"Jesus, Earl. You feed this thing fertilizer? It's twice the size it was."

"It does that when I get fucked right. That's why I like to get ready. I guess it's what turns me on. Sometimes it gets so big I think it will burst. Oh! Yeah! That's it Billie Joe. Just stroke it easy. Go ahead when you're ready. I can handle it."

It didn't take long for me to get rolling. Earl made it an experience I wouldn't forget. My hand was filled with sticky liquid and I used it to rub back into him. The more I slid in and out and jerked him off, the more intense he got. He moaned loudly and wiggled and twisted, using the handcuffs for leverage to force himself back against me. It took a few minutes for me to get to the peak, but I knew it had come too quickly for me. He said to tell him when I was ready, and when I started moaning he knew. He forced his smooth ass all the way down on me and I held his waist and pressed into his back with my body and face. The harder I went the more intense it became until I couldn't breathe. I shuddered a few last times, and then just held him against my overheated body.

"You can pull out now," he said.

I slipped down on my knees and withdrew.

"Put the rubber on me, Billie Joe."

"It's used up Earl. I filled that sucker up."

"Just do what I say. Put it on me."

I slid the rubber off real careful so I wouldn't spill the quart of juice I left in it. I leaned against him and slid it up over his penis. As I slid it up he moaned real loud and he started swelling up again.

"That's it. Jack me off. Get behind me and jack me off. Hurry. Hurry!! I can't hold it!"

I leaned myself against his body, and reached for the condom I had just put on him. It squeezed and squished and he moaned and groaned and swelled even more. In less than a minute his body was jerking and pitching and pulling against those handcuffs, and I could feel his hot liquid pumping into the already full condom.

"That's hot. Your cum was still hot. I could feel your hot juice on me. Oh that was the best, Billie Joe. You know how to show a guy a good time."

"That's about the strangest thing I've ever done," I said.

"It turned you off?"

"No, it didn't turn me off. It was hot. You're hot. I just can't believe I did that. I can't believe I liked doing that to you. It's so . . . so sexual, and nothing else."

"That's what sex is about. Doing it in a way you really like. You can undo the cuffs."

I took the keys he had laid out and set him free. He immediately wrapped himself up around me.

"Sex is about being free. As long as you aren't hurting anyone it's fine to explore the fringes."

"We didn't make love. We didn't really have sex together. I made love to your ass. I worried I would hurt you."

"Not so much that you didn't give it to me pretty good."

"I can't stop once I get started. I mean I'm more interested in getting off than anything else once I start getting turned on like that."

"Did you get off?"

"You know I filled that thing up."

"I know you did. That made it hotter for me. Sometimes it's nice to have control or to give up control. It adds a dimension to the sex. Didn't you find it stimulating?"

"You call it stimulating. I call it going nutso. I get to a point where I'm wild to get it."

"I know. That's what made it so good for me. I almost couldn't hold it until you put the condom on me. Then, Wow!!! It just rolled through me like big waves. It was a good one!"

"If you want me to sleep with you let's put this stuff away. One time doing it this way is okay, but I don't want to get in the habit of using stuff to get off."

I watched Earl put the things back into his dresser after cleaning them up. He removed the condom, and made a ceremony of putting our combined juices upon his stomach and equipment. He took delight in matting down his nearly white cock hair. His sagging manhood stood back out as he worked some into the head. The shaft maintained a thin, unimposing look with its pink tint, but the head once more ballooned to enormous size for the dimensions of the rest of him. In only a minute he was heaving and pitching against the dresser, and a spurt of cum shot out into the middle of the floor. His knees buckled, and he pumped frantically. Two more long streams shot out and then there was a steady dripping that ran down to the floor. I got cotton mouth watching him excite himself. His manhood immediately sagged over and the head reduced in size almost immediately after he finished.

"Time for a shower. I'll be back in a minute. I always need to do that to calm down. We'll get a good night's sleep now."

We did get a good night's sleep. Earl curled up inside my arms. I noticed my body seemed to be more massive than his. His shoulders fit inside my arms as he leaned back against my chest. My arms easily enveloped him. Either he was smaller than I thought, or I was growing. It was the first time I ever felt larger than anyone else older than me. This made me feel good, like I was growing up.

In the morning, we sat nude on the piano stool while coffee perked. He showed me a few keys to play while he played something else It was music! I'd never made music before. Banging my elbows against the keys while making out with him didn't count.

Earl had a different apron for cooking. It was a green and white plaid with white ties and a pink duck in the corner. He moved around cracking eggs and measuring flour and stuff. He poured me coffee, and supplied ample amounts of real cream and sugar. We ended up with ham and cheese omelets and biscuits. Earl had noticed how much I enjoyed biscuits the morning before.

He served me like I was a prince, and wouldn't allow me to do anything. He was meticulous and cleaned up each item as he used it. Many times he dirtied and cleaned the same item several times. His motions were an economy of movement. Everything was within reach of where he worked. I watched his smooth skin move on his body. I tried to find a pimple, or mark, or blemish to reassure me no one is perfect, but there was none. His skin was without flaw.

I kept my hands in my lap to hide my nakedness, but from time to time he held one or both so he could have his hand on me. I was either half or all the way turned on all of the time. I had never been comfortable being nude before, and especially had never felt sexual. I was both around Earl. It was both exciting and scary. My mind wasn't prepared to accept so many new things without question. His dress code did save a lot of time once we finished rolling around on the floor while making out on the thick carpet in the living room. The stereo blasted out stirring concertos, and overtures came from both Earl and the music. I practiced swallowing his too long tongue as we kissed ourselves around the house.

By noon I was back in Earl's bed submitting to a massage. This was another first save the times my coach has rubbed smelly ointment on a sore spot on my leg. Earl took the time to burn incense and to heat the oil he was about to use.

His hands were the perfect temperature as he leaned over me, rubbing my neck and shoulders and kissing my lips as his erection slid against my stomach. The oil was another experience I was ready to have. I suspect the way he used his hands was meant to keep me more excited than relaxed. While he worked and massaged every muscle, he took the most time on my stomach and in the thick black hair that surrounded my perpetual stiffness.

He never once touched me there, and worked the inside of my legs using his fingers to brush my low hanging and full balls. The same sticky juice he leaked constantly while touching me flowed freely from the slit of my own penis. It dripped down the top and puddled in the raven hair at the thick base of my erection .

I looked at myself as he did my thighs. I was thick at the base, not quite as long as Raymond but far thicker, and I was as thick as Carl though half his length. Mine was dark in color. There were several veins, but they were buried. I could see the blue tint through the brown skin. A ring darker than Carl's was an inch below my head. My head had grown thicker than I'd ever seen it while manhandling myself. The more I was massaged the more I was straining to keep from bursting at the seams. I seemed so incredibly hard that there was no give or bend any longer, and it became apparent that I must achieve satisfaction to get it to subside. I was somehow made proud that this in many ways was my most manly part. I had never felt good about my penis until Earl fell in love with it.

When I rolled onto my stomach and laid on the evidence, Earl rubbed himself in my crack as he did my shoulders. The stickiness ran down across my hole. It was a hot liquid now. His hands pressed firmly into my muscles and I squirmed under him to satisfy urges to touch myself and be done with it. My insides were steaming with lust. His hands worked their way down my back and into the crack of my ass. His fingers traced and touched every part of me there. The oil was soothing and thrilling as he used it to insert his finger into me. I decided not to resist as I began pulsing and jerking from the thrill of it being inside me. I watched him go to the dresser and bring back the small cylinder.

"I don't think I want that inside me, Earl."

"Trust me. This will get you where you want to go. You're body is begging for relief. In a few minutes you are going to have an orgasm that will take you to the heavens. I'll stop if you want me to."

He ran the cylinder up and down the crack and put the hot oil on it to warm it. I felt it at my opening and I felt his finger pressing and opening me. Then the hard feel of the tube was obvious. He eased it into the ring and there was a pain at the hole, but there was also a tingling and pressure inside my penis that was the most incredible source of pleasure.

He slid the tube in slow and steady. My brain was in a fog as he pushed and pulled. The pain came from where my hole tightened on it when my penis jerked with pleasure. The pain caused it to jerk harder. I rocked between pressing myself into the bed for the pleasure and onto the cylinder to create the pain, only the pain was now part of the pleasure. I was going to lose it without even touching myself! I remembered the night I watched Raymond sliding up and down on Kyle's pole and how he exploded without anyone touching his thing.

"Roll over," Earl said.

"With it in my ass?"

"It's all the way in. Roll over. You'll be glad you did."

I rolled over and my penis stood even larger and thicker. Liquid ran from the tip. The feel of the cylinder in my ass was a stimulation I couldn't have imagined. I watched myself as Earl rubbed my thighs and between my legs and put oil down on my balls and back between my legs. His hands became stronger and more forceful as he worked up beside my manhood. Both his hands rubbed me hard and at the same time they grasped me and started to stroke me in a slow easy motion.

"Don't fight it. Let it go. It's time to let it go."

I watched myself like it wasn't even my penis. His hands worked it up and down and I could feel the building pressure. He squeezed me, forcing my head to swell, and he stroked in one long motion, forcing the white liquid to leap into the air over me, landing on my chest. It was almost scalding hot where it touched my skin. I gasped for air and grabbed the sides of the bed, realizing I was in the middle of my orgasm. He had made me so hot I almost missed it.

As I shot another spurt into the air my muscles grabbed the item in my ass. At that additional stimulation, a hot thrilling flash ran through me, and I hit my chest and stomach with more liquid. Earl took the cylinder in his hand and in one long slow motion removed it, and as it popped free another shot of liquid hit my face. I felt like I was floating and falling and the bed was spinning around as Earl's hand pumped out a puddle just below my belly button.

Before I was able to breathe, Earl was on top of me and pressing himself into the liquid. He used it to help him slide up and down on my stomach and against my penis. In a minute he too was shaking and vibrating and making his own deposit. His weight was nothing on top of me. I held him as I tried to catch my breath and slow my heart. My gasps told the story of my incredible orgasm.

Earl became still, with his chest pumping hard against mine. I felt his heart beating against my chest. He seemed paralyzed and fought for air.

We laid there for several minutes. Our skin cooled some. He pushed himself up like doing a push-up, and he looked at the quart of liquid dripping between us and resting on my stomach.

"You're a gold mine of thrills, Billie Joe."

He sat down beside my leg and scooped up the liquid in his hand and over his fingers. He grasped himself and massaged the liquid into his penis and into his pubic hair. He scooped up more of the puddle and worked it into his balls and penis. Once again the shaft seemed quite ordinary although the head swelled to three times the size of when he had started this ceremony. In another minute he was pumping and jerking in spasms that told me this orgasm was much more intense than when he emptied himself on my stomach. His own hand gave him immense pleasure as the liquid shot out of him and onto the floor. He leaned back on his elbow and continued working himself as stream after stream ran down his narrow shaft and over his fingers and hand and onto the floor. He fell back across my legs and his chest worked in rapid attempts to breathe.

"That was the best," he moaned, as his fingers slipped up on me.

He squeezed and rubbed some of his new liquid onto my sagging lust. His fingers caressed and worked on me. A white glob of cream rested on my slit. His fingers smeared it over the head as I watched from a different time. He seemed intent on having me rise again, but even the added stimulation from the slick liquid couldn't get me back after the most incredible discharge I'd ever had.

After awhile he sat up and looked at the mess we'd created. Then he dragged me to the showers and we soaped each other up and got squeaky clean. He used a clear soap he told me was German. His grandmother had cases. He didn't use any chemicals or anything that wasn't natural on his skin. He used a powder when he dried himself off, and put some everywhere. It gave him a white glow, but it disappeared into his skin in short order. He smelled like a crystal clear stream where I'd fished as a boy.

It took us two hours to sleep off our hard work.

When I came to, he sat on top of me shaking me awake.

"We are going to the Ocean. I need to see the Ocean today. Will you come with me."

"The Pacific?"

"Yes. I didn't know there was another one."

"Several."

"No matter. This is the only important one. This one is mine. I have a special place where we can have it all to ourselves."

"You're going to share your ocean with me."

"You have earned a right to anything I have. You are my hero."

"Why's that."

"Because you are with me. You interrupt the silence in a most charming way."

"I'm glad you like me. I like you, too."

"Then you shall stay with me. Go to school just up the street. We'll keep house and make love."

"I can't. It's something I'll keep in mind, and if my parents dump me when I tell them what I am, I'll probably be back to go to school. If the offer stays open? If they don't dump me, they'd have us both locked up if I stayed here."

"You are perfect. Why would the offer change. You are my little sponge. You absorb everything."

The ocean was different from what I expected. There were pieces of land I could see out towards the horizon. The shore was ragged with rocks, and there was no beach to speak of, although Earl knew of a place where we could walk on sand for about a hundred yards before it all ran into the rocks and surf. The water was cool, and it rolled rough against the rocks. He told me this beach was exposed only a few hours a day. Most of the time the water ate against the rocky shore. The water seemed to rise and fall in swells. The surf was small. The air was fresh and clean.

We held hands when we walked or sat. Several times he leaned to kiss my lips. It wasn't the same as at the house. These were just nice pleasant touches with his lips. He never seemed to care if anyone was around or not.

"Why don't you stay with me?"

"I've only got a few weeks. I came out here to learn something. What you teach me is great, and knowing I can come back is great, but I want more. I want to go into San Francisco and see what it is like in the city."

"You won't like it."

"I'll have to figure that out."

"It's not easy in The City. Everyone will want a piece of you."

"They won't get it."

"Some will take it."

"Over my dead body."

"You are naive, Billie Joe. They may just be willing to oblige you."

"I've still got to go. That's why I came. If I go home without going there, I've wasted the trip."

"I understand. I felt the same way. I went. I came back."

"You're still alive."

"Yes, I am. I am still alive."

"You'll take me Friday?"

"I'll take you Friday."

Reaching out with a tentative hand, he picked up a smooth pebble and tossed it into a small pool in front of us. It splashed a little and sank without a trace.

Chapter 12

The City

Earl continued to educate me all over his house. We studied in the kitchen, and on the stairs, and in the basement while doing laundry. We studied in the bathroom, and on the porch, and once in the car. Earl proved to me that someone did have a sexual appetite equal to my own. He erased another guilt that I'd carried for several years. Perhaps Earl awakened me to some of the answers I needed.

Sex wasn't the thing I saw portrayed on television and in the movies. It wasn't holding hands, courting, and marriage, though it is all of those things sometimes. Sex is a force inside of us. It changes according to our needs and according to the people we are with. It is directly related to our own appetites. We are all different. Everyone isn't cut out to be a parent or a father, but everyone is sexual, and desires sex. The more you deny yourself, the greater the hunger.

Earl took care of any questions about limitations or restrictions on one's ability to perform. Twice he got me off a second time within a couple of minutes of the first. Before leaving Minnesota I jacked off twice in a day from time to time. Usually once in the morning and once in the evening. The thought I could have four orgasms in a day, or two in quick succession, never crossed my mind. I would have said that was physically impossible for me. I learned that with someone like Earl, nothing is impossible. The experience was always enjoyable, but became exhausting by day four. Day three was spent in bed sleeping and having sex. Day four was spent getting ready to go to San Francisco, and talking about how we could arrange to meet again. My erection would rise and fall according to the shape of Earl's mouth and the look in his eye.

As much as Earl taught me, I still did not love him or even feel intensely drawn to him. I liked him a lot. He was such an easy person to be with. The fact he let me push my own desires to the outer edge of the envelope endeared him to me, but I did not, nor was I under the illusion I might, fall in love with him. In this I found my heart still belonged to Carl. While I wasn't sure he would return to me, I was sure he was writing me, and he had sent me a picture that showed me he wanted me to still want him. That gave me more hope than I'd had since he got on the plane and I was thinking I might never see him again.

That was another lesson Earl taught me. I realized what I had felt for Raymond was pure lust. His red hair, uncut penis and smooth skin were novelties that excited me. I'd never met anyone like him. When he came on to me constantly, I was drawn to his unique qualities, he the pro and me the kid. With Kyle I'd been curious. I wanted to know what he was like. He did remind me of Carl by his size and shy manor. Though we never directly engaged in sex, I did watch him engage in sex, and he watched me jack off. He was the first person I had ever felt comfortable with watching me. I'd always been either ashamed or afraid to let anyone see my penis. The thought of someone watching me had been downright scary. Knowing Kyle watched me, and wanted to watch me, was thrilling. I've always regretted not having sex with him. I liked Kyle a lot.

Earl kept reminding me to be careful, and he tried to give me money. I showed him my sock bank. He seemed impressed by the fact I had almost two hundred dollars. He reminded me to keep it hidden and to always carry less than twenty in my pockets. He reminded me not to wander out of the gay district. He gave me the names of streets not to cross. He told me the places to avoid. He seemed to have a very complete knowledge of the city. He told me most of all to be careful of kids my age.

I sat in the middle of the seat and held Earl's hand. This was both thrilling and dangerous. Not because someone might see us holding hands, but because Earl was a terrible driver at best with two hands, and we entered onto a downright deadly course when he used one hand to drive and watched me instead of the road. The crazy part about this was everyone on the highway there drives just like him. They jerk their cars from lane to lane, speed up and slow down with no warning, and frequently drive off the road surface. It must be a California thing.

The house he drove me to stood high up on a hill. Everything in San Francisco seemed to be either up on a hill or at the bottom of one. The sun was starting to set and I could see Alcatraz. As high as the house was, we still had to walk up two flights of stairs to get to the front door. It made me dizzy looking down the hill. How could anyone sleep on a slant like that? A rotund, middle aged man answered the door with a drink in his hand.

"Earl, baby. Mother's been waiting up for you. So hard to keep my eyes open after seven these days. Getting so old, you know."

"If you'd go to bed every day or two, I've found it helps, Dennis."

"John-boy, our company's here."

Dennis held the door as I followed close behind Earl. He smiled real big. He was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt and hadn't shaved in several days. There was gray hair in his beard.

John charged out of an opening toward us, wiping his hands on a tea towel.

"Just fixing some desert for you our wayward child. You know I can't have children any longer. How's the Prince today?"

"I'm great. This is Billie Joe Walker, Jr. He's the young man I've been telling you about."

"Robbing the old cradle are we Earl?" Dennis said following us into the living room. I felt his eyes on my back.

"He's more man than anyone I've met in years, Dennis. He's older than he looks."

"We aren't harboring a fugitive are we now, Earl? If this is Bonnie or Clyde, or Derringer, you would tell us wouldn't you dear?"

"Dennis, will you get off it. I told you the story, now do you want to give him a safe place to sleep or do you want to see him wandering the streets all night. I think he's too young and too naive, but I can't get him to stay with me. I've tried. I've offered him everything but the family jewels."

"You do have it bad. He must be something. The Prince never needs anyone as I recall. If the youngster wants to see the city and needs a place to sleep, he's found it. Our rules: you are in the house by 10 p.m.; doors are locked and we are in bed after that; you will be here at 8 a.m. for breakfast, and then you can do as you please. Them's the house rules," John said. "For someone your age, those are generous hours, son."

John was not as big or tall as Dennis. He was thinner, though not skinny, and he seemed friendlier, more shy. Dennis seemed to have a twinkle in his eye I didn't care for. We were brought drinks. I got ginger ale. Then John brought out bowls of ice cream and then bananas floating in a thick liquid. As soon as it was set on the coffee table, Dennis put a match to it, and fire shot up a foot in the air, and then it burned around the top of the bananas. As Rome burned they dished the concoction onto the ice cream. I don't remember what they called it, but I went back for seconds, and then finished up what was left. I'd never tasted anything so sweet.

"What are your plans, dear?" Dennis asked.

"I want to drive him around and show him what part of the gay area to avoid and where to go to find the nicest people. I'll show him the safe houses in case he gets into trouble. That's all I can do. We'll be back by ten."

"You can stretch it a bit tonight. It's Friday. John and I go wild on Friday nights. We've rented the latest porn from the Eastern Block. I just adore those hairless uncut boys, don't you? Not much new coming our of France these days."

"Everyone does, Dennis. I don't think it is Billie Joe's cup of tea. He's into the tactile."

"You are the one that would know, dear."

I wasn't sure exactly what was being said, but I would have that feeling much of the time I was around gay people. They had their own language, and used words in ways I didn't understand. Those conversations I just tried to ignore.

The City was alive with activity. We drove down to the first cross street and made a right, and in five minutes Earl was giving me the tour of the gay section. People were on the move and were dressed in some pretty crazy outfits. I'd never seen anything like it in Minnesota. The tour lasted a half hour and we returned to the house. The door was unlocked and there was a note on the table for Earl to show me to his old room, and for him to lock the door when he left.

It was still early, and I wondered what I'd do all evening. Earl took me up the stairs and down to the end of the hall. He opened the door into a very nice room. There was a television, VCR, stereo, complete with CD's, cassettes, and one cupboard that was filled with videos. Earl took me over to the bed, and we laid down together and added that to the places we'd made out during the week. The cool sheets felt good against my skin, and I fell asleep as Earl left to go to the bars to see some old friends.

"Up, up, youngster! Breakfast will be ready in twenty minutes. Your bathroom is next door. It's a nice sunny day for you to go awanderin'."

John was too damn cheerful for that hour. He sang the words and I tried to force my eyes open.

There were two towels, a wash cloth, and a bar of soap on the side of the tub. I adjusted the fine flow to my liking and showered. I put on my jeans and the Forty Niner T-shirt. As I passed through the living room, Dennis was seated in the far corner near the big picture window reading the paper. His feet were curled up under him, and his legs were as chubby as the rest of him. I mumbled good morning and sped past going into the kitchen in time to have John hand me some jars.

"On the table, Billie Joe. Sit down. Coffee, tea, or meeilk?"

"Coffee please."

"Cream and sugar I suppose? Come and get it. Don't use it. Stuff clogs your arteries. I'll bring the coffee. Sit! Sit! Make yourself at home."

John danced around the kitchen like I imagined a chef would do. If Earl cooked with an economy of motion, John cooked with flare. He used wide arm motions and dashed and slashed with seasonings and items he added to whatever he was fixing. He grated cheese from a large block and ate half of what he cut. We ended up with something called crêpes Suzette, that they lit on fire. I wasn't sure about these guys. I'd never had anyone set my food on fire before, and now I'd eaten with them twice and they'd started a fire twice. I hoped they had some pretty good fire extinguishers. We also had potatoes O'Brian with a thin layer of cheese on top. It would have been thicker if not for John. And we had eggs Benedict.

It was all fantastic to taste. I wasn't sure if they ate that way all the time, or if this was for my benefit, but no one seemed that thrilled about my being there. John continued to call me youngster, and Dennis started calling me B.J., in the kind of way you are saying one thing and mean quite another. John continued to be friendly and bubbly all over the house. Dennis made me uncomfortable. I saw him watching me a couple of times, and the twinkle in his eye didn't make me think of Santa Claus.

"Come, youngster. I'm walking over to the health food market. I'll show you some safe places where you might find people your age. You've got to be careful. They are on the street, and they will take advantage if you let them. In plain English, they're a bunch of thieves. Be careful not to trust them."

I got a different tour from John. He knew store fronts that helped runaway youths, and others that helped street kids. There was a drug abuse clinic and a meeting place for gay youths. He took me inside the door, and it was empty. There was a pool table, and other tables and chairs. There was an old television with rabbit ears with tin foil wrapped around the uprights for an antenna. There was a radio blasting music in the background. There wasn't one gay youth. We walked back out.

"It's a bit early for the natives, but by noon this becomes a meeting place for the young."

I went with John to a store run by an elderly Chinese man. He was quite friendly, and John asked him about stuff. He introduced me as his house guest, and the Chinese man smiled and nodded at me. I carried the bags back down the hill where John turned and handed me a five dollar bill before sweeping the bags out of my hand.

"I don't want this. You're giving me a place to stay, John. I just carried your bags a block."

"Take it. I want you to have a good lunch. I'll leave things out for you if we are in bed tonight when you come in. Always be sure to lock the door when you come in. Dennis will get up and check it anyway, but it will be better if it is locked when he checks. You've got the phone number. If there is any trouble, tell them that's where you are staying. Have a good time, and be careful. See you tonight."

John trotted off with more energy than a middle aged man ought to have. I looked at the money and stuffed it in my pocket. I'd never been given money. I'd earned spending money by mowing lawns and baby sitting for friends of my family. My father believed in learning the value of money, and people handing me money for nothing wasn't comfortable for me. I remembered what Raymond said, and I thought about the money in my bag back at the house where I hoped it was safe. I thought about the less than twenty dollars spread around my pockets.

The foot traffic was light, and the gay area had a totally different feel and look in the morning. I saw some guys my age, but they were pretty grubby looking. They leaned together and talked near what looked like an abandoned building. They smoked cigarettes and spit in high arcs out into the street. The lines of cars that had been there the night before were reduced to an occasional car from time to time turning onto the street where I walked.

I passed bars where people stood waiting for entry. They looked dead. I passed some shops that didn't sell educational materials. A middle-aged man bumped into me coming out of one. He was holding a video tape, and gave me a big smile.

"Excuse me, handsome. I'm going for breakfast, want to come along?"

"No thank you."

"I'd make it worth your while. I've got a great tape here, and we can watch and well, do whatever it is you do. Nothing fancy. You look like you need a friend. You're too cute to be out alone."

"No thanks"

I backed away as I talked. I felt his eyes on me. I shivered and turned up the collar on my jacket.

There was a small coffee shop on the next corner. I ducked in and had more coffee. I was already dancing in my shoes from four cups at breakfast, but I liked the taste and needed a break. The man that had approached me came to the window of the coffee shop. I ducked down and pulled my jacket up. A boy came and sat down in front of me to block the view.

"That creep trying to get in your pants kid?"

"I don't know. I think he followed me," I said, alarmed, looking around his head to see if he was still there.

"He's a chicken hawk. He's harmless, but I hear he's strange. Stay away from that one. That's my advice. You new in town?"

"Just visiting my uncle over a few blocks."

"I'm Harvey. I live here."

He reached out a less than clean hand, and I shook it while still looking around.

"Do you have a name, kid?"

"Billie Joe. Sorry."

"Don't let that creep bother you. He ain't nobody. I'll watch your back awhile if he worries you."

I asked Harvey if he wanted a cup of coffee. I used the change in my pocket to pay for it. A guy with a dirty white apron brought it.

"I told you I didn't want you hanging in here kid. You drink up and git out," the man said to Harvey, mean.

"Sorry if I'm hurting your chair, Mister," Harvey said, sarcastically. "Don't you have to treat customers with a little respect or something. I'm a customer too."

"Just drink up."

He held the cup with both hands. Both hands were dirty. His fingernails were long and had been unattended for some time. His face was dirty. I thought I could smell him but wasn't sure, and didn't want to get close enough to check. He studied the inside of his cup.

"Illinois. Chicago maybe."

"Me. Minnesota."

"I could tell by the accent. I'm pretty good at it."

"That's close. Where are you from?"

"Texas."

"You're family move out here?"

"No. No, my family wouldn't be caught dead out here. That's why I'm here."

"You don't get along?"

"They tossed me out a year ago. I was fifteen."

"I'm fifteen. Almost sixteen . . ." I blurted, wanting to get it out there so I didn’t need to remember the right answer.

"Why did they throw you out kid? You not what they wanted? "

He looked into his cup and looked at me out of sad blue eyes.

"Didn't get along."

I looked at him for a moment.

"Why'd you come to San Fran?" I asked.

"I'd heard stories. Thought this is where I belonged. Sounded good at the time."

"Is it?"

"Hell no . I don't belong anywhere. I'm too old to get any real help, and too young to get out on my own. I'm just right for people like the creep there to use for awhile."

"You go off with guys like him."

"Nah! I like the clean older guys. They're usually harmless. I kick back and let them have at it. I get twenty to fifty and get off. It's cool. I might get a motel room a couple of times a week. I can get clean and be alone."

He looked at me, studying like.

"You gay? That's why I got kicked out."

"You tell them?” I asked, all ears.

"No. They caught me with my father's brother. We were out in his camper. My old man opened the door and I was leaning across the table with his brother feeding me the sausage and just about to blow. What a way to make your dick go soft. I felt disappointed. We'd been doing it for five years, but this time we forgot to lock the door. My old man yanked me out of there with my pants down to my ankles and my dick swinging in the breeze. He hit me in the mouth. Knocked out these three teeth for me."

He showed me a wide gap where teeth were missing at the side of his mouth.

"He told me to get my ass out of there pronto, afore he killed me. I left with the shirt on my back."

"How did you make it?”

"I hung around town until I heard the police were after me. I hitched to Dallas and got a ride with an old guy that liked me. He bought me some clothes and kept me busy for a month or so. What Uncle John hadn't showed me, Simon did. I decided I wanted to come here. He bought me a bus ticket and asked me to come back when I wanted. He was cool. Once or twice a week after a while was all he wanted."

"How long you been here?"

"Almost a year."

"Why don't you find someone to live with."

"I have. This one. That one. They like you for a few weeks, some a few days, than they drop you off and pick up a new one. There are a lot of gay guys here, but most aren't interested in anything long term with a sixteen year old. They want to have it, but they don't want to give me a place to live. They like the tender young stuff."

"That's bogus."

"Tell me about it."

"I thought guys would be dying to help out young guys."

"There are too many young guys, Bill. We flood the market. There isn't enough help for everyone, and most guys want to sample the goods and set you back out."

"The guys I'm staying with are cool."

"I thought you were staying with an uncle?"

"No. I ran away. I hitched down from my brother's in Seattle. Everyone's been pretty nice."

"It's different on the road. There aren't so many of us. Someone picks you up and wants to keep you. Here, the streets are full of Harvey's. You take your pick and come back for another one later."

"You ever been hurt."

"Besides my old man. I been raped a couple of times. There's always assholes. I been beat up a couple of times. Usually by other kids that want something. It's mostly cool. I do okay. There's guys I watch their back. There's guys they watch mine. And tourists like you that buy me coffee."

"What about the gay youth center? I was told kids go there."

"Sure they do. You got to be careful or you end up with Social Services. That's the kiss of death out here. You think the streets sound bad, those places are the pits. You end up with twenty other kids, and only the strong survive. No matter where you go, someone is always stronger than you. You got to give them what they want to survive."

"You mean other kids?"

"Other kids, counselors, workers. You are nobody in those places. They all want a piece of you. I had more sex inside Social Services than I've ever had on the street."

"You're shitting me!'

"No, kid! That's the way it is."

I walked with Harvey. He showed me places where he hung out. He showed me people. Especially he pointed out the ones to avoid. We saw the creep again later. He saw me with Harvey and immediately drove off. I didn't see him again.

"When's the last time you had a motel room?"

"A few week. I been sick. Couldn't turn no tricks. Got down and now I'm too dirty for anyone but the regulars. I'll get better soon. I'll get in on a shower. Clean up my clothes. It's getting harder though. Everyone's had me once. Some guys come into town for me, but it's hard to keep yourself up for them. I don't care any more. There's places I know to go eat, and I stick with my buddies."

"Are they all gay?"

"Some are. Some aren't. Most are here because they've got no place to go, and they heard you could survive in San Francisco."

"What do you do for food when you don't have money?"

"Dumpster dive. I eat pretty good. I know the right restaurants. The Italian are the best. Lots of garlic bread and good stuff like that. Chinese are the worst. The food all clumps together and tastes like the garbage can. Burger joints are okay if you go right after they dump."

"Sounds disgusting."

"You live here awhile, kid, it'll sound like the Ritz."

We walked down to the gay youth center, and stepped inside the door. There were a dozen kids of various ages and sizes standing around. They all looked tougher than Harvey, even the girls. We didn't go past the door, and I went back out with him.

"If I could get you a shower and a meal, you want to go?"

"Sure. What do you want? Blow job. Circle jerk. My ass costs more than a shower and food.”

Harvey bargained with me as we walked.

"That's gross. I want to get you a shower and a good meal. I think the guys I'm staying with will go for it. I'll call and ask them. You got to be cool."

Dennis answered the phone with a yawn. I told him I had a friend that needed a shower and a meal. He said to bring him up. I was surprised. I thought John would go for it, but I was sure we'd have trouble getting it past Dennis. He stood at the door and watched us coming up the stairs.

"Come on in. I'm Dennie."

"This is Harvey. He's my friend."

We went into the kitchen where John was making sandwiches and stirring soup. He set down sodas and chips and danced around as usual. The sandwiches were three inches high and stacked with the most marvelous collection of goodies. Harvey devoured three and ate three bowls of soup. He seemed to not even know any of us were there. He stared at the food and made pretty quick work of it.

When I went to go to the bathroom, I came back to Dennis leaning over Harvey's shoulder and saying something in his ear. He sat back down when I came in. John was doing dishes and ignored me.

"Well. Let's get your friend a towel. He could use a good scrubbing," Dennis said cheerfully.

We went up to the top of the stairs and Harvey tossed his clothes out as John stood at the bottom of the stairs so Dennis could toss them to him to be washed. Harvey was tall and even thinner than I thought. He had the same color pubic hair as I did, and he was cut and hung thin over his balls. He closed the door after giving up his clothes.

"You seen the movie collection. I bet this kid would like to see a good movie. He will probably want to bathe for awhile since he's so crusted with dirt. Let me set one up for you."

Dennis was really friendly to me. I didn't expect him to be nice. He had seemed so remote before. He put in a movie I said I wanted to see. He smiled and closed the door, and I watched and listened to the shower running beside my room. It took me fifteen or twenty minutes to start worrying about Harvey. I hoped he hadn't fallen in or gotten washed down the drain with the dirt. I stood at my door and listened but didn't hear a sound. I stepped into the hallway to listen for him moving around, but nothing. I heard noise from my right where Dennis and John slept. I stood next to the door and looked through a half-inch crack in the door.

Dennis stood naked beside the bed. Harvey was kneeling naked in front of him giving him a blow job. John lay below Harvey, also naked and blowing him. Dennis held Harvey's head with two meaty hands forcing his fat cock in and out of his mouth. Harvey was erect and John was working on him. Dennis finished up a minute after I got there and he shot his juice all over Harvey's chest and face. He pulled Harvey to his feet and hugged him. Harvey just stood limp. They bent him over the corner of the bed and John stood behind him lubing up his ass. John groaned loud as he shoved himself into Harvey. Dennis put his finger to his lips and indicated to John to be quiet. I knew what he was telling him.

Harvey's ass was skinny. The skin was pale and looked purplish. There was like a thin purple film that covered his ass and upper legs. John worked hard on Harvey, and Dennis sat down so Harvey could suck his soft cock. Harvey just did whatever they wanted. I saw a twenty dollar bill on the bed beside Dennis. It looked like Harvey was watching the money as they worked on his mouth and ass. John kept at it for longer than it should have taken.

In the meantime Dennis started getting erect again. He kept holding Harvey's mouth down in his pubic hair. John pulled himself free and deposited liquid on Harvey's back, hitting the back of his head with one squirt. Dennis replaced him inside Harvey who now lay still and rocked to the fucking motion as his face leaned against the blanket on the bed. He looked lifeless. Dennis didn't bother to remove himself when he finished up. His fat ass and legs shook as he held Harvey's ass and slammed himself into him two or three quick times. He ground his hips, continuing to force it all the way in him. He stood up and pulled Harvey to his feet. He handed him the twenty dollar bill and held his finger over his lips again. I backed away from the door, and returned to the movie in my room.

For some reason I was shaking. I hadn't been turned on by the scene at all. Before this, almost anything sexual had gotten me turned on. Even when I didn't want to be part of it, I still got hard seeing dicks and asses. Watching sex usually made me dizzy and hot inside. I immediately needed to find somewhere to jerk off. This scene had only made me feel a little sick. I didn't know why. Once again I could hear Harvey in the shower. I heard the curtain open and close, and the showering went on. In five minutes my door opened and he stood there drying himself off. He looked cleaner, but I knew he was still dirty. He made no attempt to cover up his skinny dick.

He looked different clean. He might be standing in his own house ready to go down to the mall with his brother or sister. He might be getting ready to go out to dinner with his parents, but he wasn't. He'd just finished blowing two guys and then letting them fuck him. He wasn't going to any mall. I didn't know if I liked Harvey any more. He wrapped the towel around his thin body and sat on the bed, careful like.

"What's wrong. You were so keen on me coming here. Now you act like you wish I didn't. I can't go until they give me my clothes back. Sorry."

"Why do you let people use you like that?”

"Like what?"

"You know what. Don't play innocent with me. I saw you."

"So? Big fucking deal! I will eat a couple of days." He held up the twenty and unfolded it.

"How could you let those fat old men do that to you? That's disgusting."

"At least they are clean and not trying to hurt me to satisfy themselves."

"That's supposed to make it better?"

"Nothing makes it better. It only makes it tolerable. Tolerable is better than not tolerable, if you know what I mean."

"I don't know. I know that's gross, and I've done some shit myself, but never that."

"Easy for you to say. You're set. You've got a bed and food. They haven't come for it yet, but they will before you go. Nobody does anything for nothing. You'll be right in between them by tomorrow night. That or on the street, Bill. That's the way it is. They all want it from us."

"I'll be on the street before they touch me."

"How long you going to last out there? I'll give you a week before you're raped the first time. I'd give you a day, but I don't want to scare you too bad. You're new meat. The weirds will need it first. Then there will be your regulars. They will smile and act like they like you. They'll fill your mouth or ass with cum, and be scooting you out as they're zipping up their pants, going home to momma."

"I don't know. I won't sell it to anyone. Never."

"Never say never. Move over." Harvey lay down on half the pillow. His head was right next to mine. His face was almost touching mine. His body was clean but I could still see those purple lines on his chest.

"You got the AIDS?"

"You want to have sex with me? That why you ask me that? That's the only reason you ask somebody that shit. You are stupid. You want me to fuck you? That what you want, kid?"

"I asked because I saw you doing that. Isn't it dangerous, Harvey?"

"Not for me. I don't worry about AIDS. I have nothing to worry about."

"Why's that?"

"I'm positive. Have been eight months. Been sick two months this time. T-cells were all gone my last visit. Under two hundred they start writing out the paper."

"What paper?"

"Your death certificate. You are stupid. They fill it out and leave off the time and day."

"Are you being treated?"

"Too young. They won't treat me without my parents or me being in Social Services. First time I went to Social Services I was raped the first two nights. All night. Five, six guys took turns. Tore my ass open. Couldn't walk straight. Couldn't even take a crap. That's when I got it. I never took it up the ass until then. I never ate no cum 'til then. I go round the world these days. It's a kick. Sex is cool. Watching old men grunt and groan over my tender young ass is cool." Harvey sucked in his lower lip for a moment. "At least someone wants me for something."

"That's why you don't want to go to Social Services to get treatment?"

"Right! You do get the big picture. It may be big but it ain't pretty. I'm too skinny. I can't fight guys twice my weight. You fight, they break your jaw so you can't scream. Then they fuck you anyway."

"What are you going to do?"

"Die. Eventually. Hell, I ain't got nothin to live for. Why not? I haven't tried that one yet."

"You scared?"

Harvey turned his face to look at me but we were too close and our faces brushed together. I kissed his cheek and put my hand on his chest. I felt like I wanted to cry. He put his hand on my hand but looked off into the corner of the room.

"You aren't afraid to touch me?"

"No."

"I thought you would be. Most people don't want to touch me after I tell them. It's okay kid. I'm used to it now. I'm scared sometimes, but I'm used to it. I was scared the first few months. After the worse shit happened. After I got sick. I don't care any more. That's all."

"What about Dennis and John?"

"Those guys. They know the risk. They are playing the game. They wanted to use my body. They paid a price. When you play Russian Roulette, there's a chance you're going to eat the bullet. They ate it tonight."

"That's bogus."

"I know. Divine retribution as well. We reap what we sow my friend. We all get what we deserve in the end. I was a kid. Just like you when I got out here. Old men used me knowing it's against the law and dangerous. They take the risk. I owe them a good time. I don't owe them nothing but what they pay for."

I hugged Harvey right there on the bed. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to hate what he had done, but it did scare me, his cold ability to do it. It scared me I could get that way. I could let men use my body while I spread a disease that could kill them.

It just confused everything more than ever. I had been too long sheltered from the realities of life. I lived in my fancy suburban home and went to the fancy schools. I shopped at stores that sold brand name goods, and I got everything I wanted within a reasonable time of wanting it. Harvey and thousands of other kids are on the street not knowing where their next meal will come from, and doing things that sheltered kids never dream of. Doing them just to survive. Kids. Kids just like me. Kids that had to have families somewhere. Kids that should be at home growing up and growing wise.

He rolled over and put his arms around me. He cried without any sound until he fell asleep, tears running silently down his cheeks and off his nose. I held him for a long time, but I didn't like him even a little bit. If I wanted any self- respect I couldn't let myself like him. Harvey was wrong. I knew that in my heart. I wanted to hate him for what the streets had made him. I tried hard to hate him. Instead I hated Dennis and John. Users who were comparatively well off and sophisticated. I loathed them. They were despicable.

Chapter 13

Welcome To The Jungle

Dennis came to the door and peeked in. Two minutes later he was back with John. I ignored them and pretended to be asleep with Harvey. I lay there thinking of what to do. Harvey's erection pressed into my leg. An invitation? It didn't matter.

Every erection I had come into contact with until now had been for me. I'd taken advantage of them. Sex was a new discovery, and it thrilled me more than anything had ever thrilled me before. It made me feel more alive than I had ever felt.

Harvey's erection repulsed me. He did not use it, or act as though he was even aware that it snaked from his towel and onto my thigh. He was still as death. His breathing was deep and labored. His arms held me gently as he slept.

When we left it was getting dark. I carried my bag and heard Dennis yell, "Don't come after ten, and don't bring anyone else here for us to feed."

I wasn't coming back. I couldn't come back to their house. It was a dirty house. I couldn't get the picture of them using Harvey out of my brain. When I looked at either of them, or at Harvey, I saw them fucking him and him eating them like it was something he lived to do. It turned my stomach. John came to the door when I got to the bottom of the steps. He waved and gave me a pleasant smile.

"Wait, Harvey," I said, and ran back up to the door. John cracked the door.

"Because you been nice to me I'm telling you this. I don't care about Dennis. You were nice. I won't be back. I saw what you did to him. I can't stay here. Harvey has the AIDS."

John's face went from a smile to concern to dread. The door stayed cracked as I jumped down the steps, grabbed my bag and ran to catch up with Harvey who had continued to walk back toward the gay section. We walked along in silence. He kept looking at the twenty dollar bill.

"We're going to have pizza. That's what I want."

"Shouldn't you save it for a room?"

"I'm clean. I want pizza. I'm going to treat you Billie boy. I wouldn't have this windfall without you. You shall be my guest."

"I didn't take you there to do that."

"Doesn't matter. You took me there. I did it, and I got money for us to have pizza. Worked out all the way around."

I didn't enjoy the pizza. It had all the things I liked on it, and Harvey got the Never Ending Pitcher of coke, so I peed three times before we left the pizza joint. He spent all but two dollars. He bought a cigar and a big candy bar. He broke the candy in half. He took the larger half and gave me the other. I stuck it in my bag.

We passed people he waved to. He turned in circles and talked as they turned in circles and walked until they could no longer hear each other without yelling. He talked to girls and guys and men and women. He was happy as a clam, but I couldn't forget what I knew. I couldn't forget him curled up next to me like a little boy. I couldn't get any of the pictures out of my head. I hated Harvey. I knew I hated him.

Harvey leaned against the wall by the diner where we met. I didn't know if he was throwing me back, or it was just a place he hung out. A black dude stopped and they talked. The black guy danced to music I couldn't hear. His hair was twisted and tied in dreadlocks that looked dirty and the ultimate in an attempt to make himself appear as horrid as possible. He was at least six four or six five. I thought of the basketball that should be in his hand. He'd been on the streets three years. He was nineteen. He acted twelve, and looked twenty five. I thought I could smell him. I could no longer smell Harvey, but I could see him. I always saw him on his knees, between legs, with men grunting, groaning, sweating over his nakedness. I saw him dirty.

He charged out across the dark street after a teenage girl. A car blew its horn and he pirouetted in front of it, thrusting both his hands into the air in a gesture not meant to endear him to anyone. He pumped his fingers up and down in the headlight spotlights as though there were some gigantic cow above him he was trying to milk. The screeching tires stopped their noise and then the human screeching also died as the man drove away. Harvey leaned against a wall and talked, and when the girl walked away he indicated I should follow. So much for being thrown back.

"We got a place to crash. It’s an abandoned hotel. It's clean enough, and there are mattresses. Can you believe it. They say they were left for us kids."

We walked up the block and a white Beamer pulled to the curb in front of us. Harvey lit up and yanked the door open. He threw himself in the front seat and leaned to kiss the lips of the driver. I couldn't see him. I didn't look.

"Hey, Kid! I'll be back in a few. Stay by the diner. We'll have breakfast in bed."

He laughed like he had the world by the tail. The BMW moved carefully up the hill and turned right.

I watched the other people. The real people. They marched along in their pretty outfits and costumes. They were clean and sparkling and neat. The perfection they tried to attain seemed just beyond their reach. The pretty styled themselves up to magnificence, and the ugly hid themselves under glasses and hats and tried to appear to be someone else. The men stopped and looked at me and my bag. They said things to their partners and gave me long looks over their shoulders. Some talked to me, and I played dumb . . . "I'm waiting for someone . . ." and then their knowing laugh. I felt like a caught fish lying on the dock.

Fifteen minutes after the BMW left my view, it discharged Harvey again, with hugs and waves and another twenty dollar bill. He waved it in my face with a delighted, triumphant smile.

"I still got it kid. A little soap and water and I'm hot. Nice guy. Bobby. I only blew him. I don't let the nice ones do anything dangerous. I do have a conscience about that, Billie Joe. I see how you look at me. I treat people the way they treat me."

I said nothing. I watched him place the money down in his pants. We stood and spent an hour not talking. More talking to the passers-by. More kids who belonged in safe homes and in warm beds. The number of them shocked me. I thought "a few, a dozen", but I counted thirty he knew to talk to just in our block. I saw others that looked lost, alone, hungry, and scared. There was always fear in their young eyes. All of them and me.

"You ready to sleep?"

"I guess."

"It will be cool. You'll like it. Anything you want they'll have. Beer, grass, a toot for your nose. Everyone chips in on the weekend. We are all in the chips on the weekends."

The building was boarded in the front, but when you slipped down a narrow opening between buildings you reached a hole no man could get into. There was a smell I couldn't identify when we went into the building. It was burnt and pungent. Then there was another smell I did recognize. It was sex. The building seemed alive with the smell of sex.

We climbed up near the top of the six stories. I held my bag to my body, and followed Harvey.

"Why don't we get a motel? Wouldn't it be better?"

"You don't spend money on a motel when we got a nice dry place. Motels are when it is cold and wet and you are too filthy to score a trick. You got a lot to learn."

We ended up on a floor that was devoid of interior walls. The framing still stood, but we acted as through it wasn't there, stepping through onto the open floor. There were six mattresses spread around.

"Hey Harvey! Tried to find you to tell you the hotel was open again."

"Gene! Hey, dude."

They hugged. Gene was tall and very thin. There was no shape to him except straight up and straight down. He had straw colored hair and wore only a white pair of briefs that showed a bulge that I couldn't help but stare at. His teeth tried their best to press out of his mouth, seeming to be way too many for a single mouth to hold. Harvey's hand was in the back of the boy's underwear as they talked.

"Hey guys! Harvey made it. Thought he had a weekender going. Whose your friend anyway?"

Gene looked me over and studied my bag.

"This is Billie Boy. Gene, Tony, that's Timmy, Bryce, and Donald. Hi Don. Where you been hanging? How are those lips tonight."

"I been to old man Shutt's. He picked me up and was in one of those moods. He wanted to . . . you know. All the time. You know how he gets. Lasted two weeks. I scored a fifty when he dropped me. Bought us some weed and Doritos. Five big bags. That way I might get some."

"Good work, kid. That young ass is what they all want. We can't score for you being out there," Harvey said.

"How old is he?" I asked.

"You thirteen yet Don?"

"Shit Harvey! I been thirteen since last month. We had a party. Remember?"

"Yeah! I don't remember. I was wasted. If he says so. Nice kid. Tight ass. Better lips. You'd do well letting him work you over. He likes new guys. He'll be after you before the night's done. Oh, he likes Gene. Big dick. Can you beat it, thirteen year old size queen. He's going to be a real queer."

"You do it with him?"

"We all do it, Billie boy. When it's slow we need to practice. It's more fun when we get together. I'd rather be with guys my age. I just do it with old guys for the money. Mostly, anyway."

"Right Harvey. Mostly. Tell him about Bobby. Tell him how you always wait for him, but he don't stop for you any more."

"Fuck you, Gene!" He pushed Gene away from his hand.

"I just left him half an hour ago!"

He gave him the one-finger salute and pointed to a mattress: "That's Sharon."

"High, Billie. You want a girl friend?"

"No! I'm cool."

"You mean you're a faggot?"

"Cool it, whore. Billie's a good guy. He got me food, a shower and twenty bucks. I didn't even need to buy a motel."

"Gee Billy, nothing he can do I can't do better. How about turning me on to it," Sharon said.

"It's ancient history. We blew it off."

"He got offended because I took it up in the ass and ate some dick. He's still a nice country boy at heart. We'll have to teach him about the real world. No free rides at this hotel."

"Fucking came to the right place for his education. We're going to do an all nighter tonight. We've all scored something, and it's time to parrr-ty," Gene said, moving to sit on a mattress against the far wall. Don sat next to him pulling off his underwear. Bryce immediately sat on the other side and put his hand on Gene's skinny thigh as he read something he was holding. They looked to be near my age. Bryce was older but not by much. Gene appeared closest to my age in appearance. It was hard to tell, which made my age less important. Sharon I couldn't even guess. She looked thirteen and thirty at the same instant. Tony and Tim were oldest by appearance. No one had on clothes except Sharon. Don and Bryce were both working on Gene's package like they were familiar with it. I could see through the flickering candle light that the head covered his belly button as Don rubbed it while leaning his face against his chest. Don rolled joints as Bryce tried to see how low he could pull his balls. Bryce's face rested on the inside of Gene's thigh.

"When you get him ready let me know," Sharon said. "I haven't had a real man in a week.

"You'll have one tonight," Gene said.

"Come on guys. No joint until you get me all the way hard. That's the deal."

"She'll get more than one," Bryce said, holding his small erection through the material of his underwear.

"I don't think I want to stay here, Harvey. I'm not into mass orgy shit."

"No one will bother you, Billie boy. It's safe here. You can go to sleep. I'm getting naked. Someone's got to start the party."

Harvey stripped out of his clothes and sat beside Bryce, using his hand to stimulate himself. I sat on the mattress closest to the stairs and watched the candles flickering. Tony laid on a mattress by himself. Tim made out with Sharon.

The black guy with the awful hair came in. He was greeted as Ty. He ignored me and went over to where Sharon sat. Another guy came up the stairs and stood in the doorway. He watched Gene passing around a joint. He watched Sharon being passed from Ty to Tim. They made out. He sat down beside me on the bed.

"Got a smoke, kid?"

"Don't smoke."

"Smart. I shouldn't. I'm Gil."

He shoved out his hand and I thought maybe he was my age. He had very blond hair and a firm grip. He leaned back and watched the two beds where the action was taking place.

"Can't decide whether I'm straight or gay tonight. What do you think, kid?"

"Billie Joe."

"No! What is it you like to do?"

"I'm with Harvey."

"Shit. Harvey's with everyone. I'd find a new boy. He isn't long for this life. He's been sick months. Doesn't do anything for it. Dead meat. Fucks with people's heads. He won't live long. You gay?"

"Why you say that?"

"He pisses people off. Not a guy you want to be too close to. He sleeps around. Got the big A."

"We're just friends."

Gil put his hand on the front of my pants. I slapped it away.

"You're right. Straight tonight," he said, and kicked off his shoes and dropped his shirt beside the bed as he went to Sharon and waited for her to take air before kissing her

"Gil. I got me two real men tonight. If I did dinge it would be three. Sorry, Ty. A girl's got to draw the line somewhere."

Ty stood up like he was angry. His chest glistened in the flickering light. He was very thin, and yet the muscles rippled on him. His skin was dark mahogany, and looked much nicer than his hair. He came over and sat beside me kind of dejected.

"You do dinge, country boy?"

"I'm just visiting," I said.

"Good answer. Don't mind these guys. Sex is all they think about. It's like that when you're going to die soon. You take it where you can get it. Don't get involved. You'll be dying with them."

"You got it?"

"We all got it. Maybe not Tim or Tony. They're still trying to be straight. Everyone but Gil I know has it, and I don't see how he can't. He's always up here on the weekends."

"Why don't you get some help?"

"You related to Mother Tracy, or whatever the bitch's name is. We don't rate no help. We're kids. Poor. Black. We don't have anyone that's going to give a fuck when we croak. They drop us in the rubber bag and drop us in a hole. That's their help. They got to buy them B-1's and nukes for all occasions. You think they got a dime to help out kids their own parents don't want? Costs money to treat AIDS. There isn't any for us. Not if you don't play the game. I don't play."

"Why don't yours want you?"

"My parents? My mother, really. I'm big. I eat too much. I don't listen well, and I'm a faggot."

"You were kissing a girl."

"It doesn't make you go sterile, country boy. Girls need loving just like guys do. Sex is sex. You takes it where you gets it. I just like to ring Sharon's chime. She can't handle me."

"Why do you wear your hair like that? You aren't a half bad looking dude. Why do you make yourself look ugly?"

"Fuck you white boy. I'm an Afro-American man. This is style. I don't wear it for you to like."

"You're maybe seventeen or eighteen. You are handsome under all that hair. Why do you want to turn people off?"

"You don't know nothing, kid. It's me! It's the way I feel. I got the right to do what I feel. I told you I'm nineteen."

I no longer thought I could smell Ty. He leaned there watching Gil screw Sharon while she made out with Tim. Tony played with her tits as she jacked him off. Tim jacked himself off. I looked for Harvey and he was sucking on Bryce while Gene hovered over Don's rear end. Don was the smallest boy, and Gene had the biggest dick. It seemed to be no problem for either of them. Don leaned on his face with his ass up in the air. I could see Gene holding Don's hips and working his own. Gene certainly wasn't being gentle, but Don made no objection. Bryce had his hand in Don's crotch while Harvey was sucking him through the hole in his briefs. When I looked back at Sharon, Tony was screwing her. She was sucking off Gil who jerked off Tim who kneeled next to the mattress with his hands on his hips. Gil was thick and Sharon could only get down on the head. He crouched over her mouth and held onto Tony's shoulders with his free hand.

"You don't do anything?"

"Sorry Ty. Not like this I don't."

"I guess I'll be back. Hang in there kid. I don't know how you can watch and not want in on the action. I've got to get out of here. Nobody wants a nigger tonight."

"Come on big Gene. I need a real man now these boys got me worked up."

"Fuck you, Sharon," Gil said.

"Don's just getting me worked up for you, Sharon," Gene yelled, still working on the raised rear.

When he stood up, I tried to see his dick clear. It seemed red, and was pretty thick. It moved around straight out in front of him as he went to Sharon. Tony took Gene in both of his hands as he knelt between Sharon's legs. He aimed it at the target. Gene extended his arms and made no contact with Sharon. He held himself up over her body, and he moved down while Tony directed him into the opening until I could see his pubic hair mixing in hers. That was the only place they made contact. He seemed to be doing push-ups as he let his hips and arms do all the work. Gil and Tim watched intently as Tony continued to let his fingers touch the meat as Gene worked. He seemed no more gentle with Sharon than he had been with Don.

"That's it, big boy. Slide it all the way in. Yes, you are a man. Give it to me, Gene. I've waited for that thing all week. Yes. Oh, yesss! Ohhh! Fuck meeee!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.

She held Gil's and Tim's meat while watching Gene down between her legs. I watched him disappear inside and then pull himself all the way out until the fat head seemed to be glowing from the friction. Sharon moaned and groaned and said she was cumming three different times in the half hour that Gene worked on her. He never did finish, but stopped and pulled it out of her after her third orgasm. He stood over her, a mixture of skinny boy body and huge thick man meat. His body glistened with sweat as he went to stand in front of Bryce who tried to suck him off. I watched as Gene sat down and rolled Harvey onto his stomach. Harvey now sucked on Don, and Gene screwed him no more gently than he had Sharon or Don. No lubricant and no rubber. He just shoved it to him as hard as he wanted while Harvey seemed focused on Don's small dick.

I finally got an erection, but not one I wanted to use. I liked sex, and I couldn't wait until the next time, but I knew this wasn't it. Maybe it was because Sharon left. The smell of sex ran through the entire building and different guys erupted and let their loads spray on each other, the mattresses and the floor. The objective appeared to be to make the biggest mess. No one seemed to object to anything, and they traded partners like they handed around drugs. Only Tim and Tony stayed away from the continuous action. They slept together on a mattress in the far corner.

An hour or so after Sharon left, she came back with a high school guy in a letterman's jacket. Another guy in a big leather coat followed them onto the floor. They stood and surveyed the room.

"What the fuck's this shit," leather coat said.

"Don't mind them. Faggots come up here too. You aren't here for them. You bought an evening with me. You guys cool it now," Sharon demanded.

"Look at the dick on that boy," the letterman said.

"Boy's abnormal," leather coat said.

"Dick's big as he is."

"I don't like being watched," letterman said.

Sharon spoke to the room at large. "You guys take a break." She turned again to her new clients. "They got to stay up here. They won't bother us. Maybe they can learn what a real man is like. You might get them to go straight." Sharon rubbed the front of letterman's pants and spoke to the rest of us again. "You guys give us some privacy."

Underwear was put on and Gene said, "There's mattresses on the other side. We can finish up there."

I stayed put and everyone else went out through the wall behind me. Sharon placed her lover on the mattress where she'd been doing the other guys. I noticed leather coat watching Don's ass as he passed by him, naked with his hand on Gene's ass. Harvey had noticed too.

Harvey came back and dropped beside me saying, "Watch me get leather boy. He wants a BJ. Bet you."

"You're nuts."

Sharon got letterman's pants down to his knees. He had a smooth round ass. His blond hair made him look like an innocent little boy. He had a raging hardon, and placed it between Sharon's legs. It looked very smooth and about average length.

"That's tight. You're tight. I thought maybe big dick there might have fucked you, but I can see you go for real men."

He talked as he fucked her. She pulled his shirt up and rubbed his chest.

"You're a stud. Football?"

"Wrestler. 187. Three time divisional champion. You like it this way? You like a man's meat?"

"Yeah! You're the best, honey. You're a real man. You must have done this to a lot of girls. You're a big one all right."

"I been around. I know how to do it. I'm not hurting you am I?"

The boy paced his words with his fucking motion. I couldn't help but think how stupid he was.

Leather coat watched, rubbing himself through his jeans. The funny thing was he stood where he was watching his buddy's ass and not where he was putting his equipment. Harvey stared up at the bulge and licked his lips as the guy looked down at his mouth just inches from him. The guy kept looking at him funny and squeezing the outline of his manhood while Harvey ate it up. I could tell by the front of him that he couldn't wait. A wet spot had appeared on his jeans as he stared most often at the smooth tender ass of his buddy. He suddenly became nervous as Harvey continued watching him while getting closer.

Letterman started moaning and groaning two minutes in. He growled and grunted and stood up with his average meat still dripping on Sharon's legs. He put himself away and brushed past leather.

"You're turn, Ben. Thanks for showing me this place."

Sharon stood up and followed letter man, saying, "You want to play with me you got to pay. Come back when you got twenty bucks. I changed my mind about the freebie."

Leather coat stood looking at the mattress where Tony and Tim slept naked. He walked to where Tony's ass was pointed up at his face and he reached down to touch the crack. He rubbed himself and then looked at Harvey and me. He walked across the floor unzipping his pants. His dick was hard as stone and a little longer and thicker than his buddy's. It was cut and the head was well shaped. I heard someone at the bottom of the stairs and turned waiting for them to come into view so I didn't have to watch Harvey with this guy.

"Need a little help there sailor," Harvey said, in a low sexy voice.

"Not your kind of help. He punched Harvey's face. Harvey bounced off the mattress and landed on the floor, still as death as the guy grabbed me.

"I want me this little boy. You ever been fucked little boy. You're going to get fucked now."

I fought him as he ripped open my pants. I bent my knees and he hit my face a couple of times, but I balled up so he couldn't get a clear shot. I tried to kick him and he pulled my pants off my ass and ripped my underwear to shreds in three or four frantic motions. I twisted and turned under him, but he outweighed me by fifty pounds. The more I struggled the closer his dick got to my asshole. Just as I felt him sliding into my crack I heard a thud, and he was off me. Ty stood over him with his fists in the air at the ready. Leather boy looked up at him from the floor.

"Come on. I want this to be fair," Ty said. "You think you can come in here and rape little kids. You ain't met me yet have you? Just call me the Piper."

Leather boy got to his knees and prepared himself to lunge. Ty waved his fists in large circular motions and kicked the guy in the head. The crunch made my whole body shiver and my stomach turn over. Ty's huge foot hung over his face and he let it dangle there for a few seconds and stomped him with another crunching sound. He stood with his hands on his hips looking down at the quiet leather boy.

"I hate fair fights," he said, soft, like a whisper.

He yanked me to my feet and dragged me through the door with my pants hanging off my ass. His hand was almost on my dick, and he took me down the stairs to the second floor where he dropped me on a mattress in a dark corner. I heard him unzipping his pants.

"You haven't been fucked yet have you new meat. If you're going to hang here, someone's going to fuck you sooner or later. I guess it may as well be me. Sorry about the size of my dick. You know how niggers are. I'm thirteen inches when I'm fucking white boys. Twelve all other times. Can you imagine what you would feel like with this up your ass, white boy? Don't be bashful, touch it . . . I said touch it! I want you to know what I'm fucking you with."

I cringed and recoiled at his yelling at me. My hand reached out to touch it. My fingers looked like a toy on it as it thickened. The skin felt soft and smooth.

"That, my friend, would open you up so you would never be any good to no one but Ty. If I use that on you, you are mine from that day on. You'll play hell getting a white boy to do you any good after I get done with you."

He slapped my hand away and put himself away. I shook and cried from relief and from fear. First the leather guy and then thinking Ty was going to fuck me was about all I needed to finish a pretty bad day. I cringed on the mattress waiting for him to kick me with his size fifteen shoes. He looked even bigger and more intimidating now.

"I told you to get your ass out of here awhile ago kid. This place will kill you. Just like its killed us. Get your fuckin skinny shitty little ass out of here before I decide I want to fuck you. Don't think I won't. I have a moment's weakness right now. I just can't bring myself to rip that virgin ass of yours wide open. That might last another minute. Two at the most. So you best run, kid. When it gets really hard, I don't think too good after that. I just rip open white boy's asses."

I buckled my stretched pants as I fell down the last five stairs going down to the first floor. Sliding on my face in the dirt, I jumped up still moving and stopped only to locate the hole. I almost lost my bag getting out of there. I hit the street and looked to the right where crowds of people still walked up and down. I straightened my clothes and dried my eyes. I went to the diner and sat all alone in the back and drank one cup of coffee after another. I cried and I shook each time I thought about leather coat and Ty, and I knew I didn't like San Francisco much. I thought about calling Earl, and my parents. I couldn't until I calmed down.

I saw Ty an hour later leaning on the wall with his back and looking down at me through the window. I refused to look at him, but he leaned there staring and making me squirm. He finally disappeared only to reappear in the aisle as the huge man in the white apron objected to his coming inside. Ty pointed a big black finger at him and glared but didn't speak. The man went back to wiping. Ty sat down across from me.

"Having fun yet in the big gay city?"

"Yes, sir."

Ty laughed.

"What you scared of white boy? If I wanted to hurt you, you'd be in the hospital now. Remember leather boy?"

"Mostly you right now."

"You ready to ask for help?"

"What?"

"I know a guy. He's cool. Helps gay kids. Runaways. He'll give you a place for a night. He'll feed you and let you shower. He'll give you one shot at getting off the street. That's all you get. Then you are a lost cause like the rest of us. He'll want you to go home so you don't become one of his."

"Why would he help me?"

"Cause you need help. You need to go home, kid. You need to get off these streets before they eat you up."

"Why did you do that?"

"What? Save your ass and then scare shit out of you? Great attention getter ain't it? My dick makes most guys faint. You only peed your pants. I don't care about fucking white boys any more. Harvey, Don, Bryce, they were all a kick, but when you start dying, you start losing interest. I don't care any more. I'm a nigger. I know it. You know. No big loss. You're a squeaky clean white boy. Someone somewhere cares about you, skinny. You ought to go back to them before Bubba finds you, or before you're dead like us."

"Why do you talk that way about yourself?"

"What way? Lost cause? Dying? 'Cause I am. I know what I am, white boy."

"Nigger. Why do you call yourself that?"

"Let's get real casual like here, kid . That's all I am on the streets. In this society I'm just a nigger. The fact I'm gay makes me an outcast to other niggers. White people see me as a nigger before they know anything else. 'Dinge.' 'Jungle Bunny.' 'Nigger.' Whatever you want to call it. It's a fact in this country. Damn few people can see past the color of our skin. Damn few. I been on the streets. I know. Even the other kids call me that."

"I never saw that. I mean your being black is no secret, but I saw that ugly hair before anything."

"It's me kid. My hair is ugly, I'm ugly! Not to worry. I know what I am. Get out of here before you find out who you are. Go home. Let me think I saved someone's life. Let me think what a nice guy I am tonight."

"You are a nice guy."

"Me? Shit! I can afford to be nice. Was a time I'd a fucked you all night and then all day tomorrow. You're lucky kid. You caught me after my prime. You caught me on the way down hill that’s all."

"How old are you? Really, I mean. You ain't no nineteen," I tried to be realistic without expecting the truth. What difference did it make?

He looked around like someone might be listening. He looked across the table at me and leaned on his long arms and put his face in mine.

"Fifteen three months ago. You tell anyone, I'll rip your balls off. Do you believe me."

"About ripping my balls off? No, not really. About being fifteen? You're as old as you say you are is how I see it," I said, as he smiled at my wisdom.

"Twenty. The streets and AIDS'll do that. When I first come out I was skinny as you. All the white guys loved me. I guess you white boys are deficient in the dick department, because they all slobbered and moaned about my big dick. The first guy let me fuck him. I fell in love with him because I never thought anyone could take me up the ass. I was twelve then. I had maybe ten, eleven inches. It's still growing. Getting wider, anyway. I don't see the guys that used to pick me up . All dead I guess. I don't know how many I killed personally. I didn't know I had it until this year. I got raped when I was thirteen. Two guys dragged me into a van. Nasty guys. They took turns fucking me. I never did that before. I did fuck a couple of asses, but never took it before. They tied me up and used me for two days. Threw me out near the freeway by the bridge. One wanted to kill me. The other said it would be a shame to waste all that dick. The one offered to cut it off for him, but he tossed me out before the guy could stop the van. I ran my ass off. Hid for a day before going back out. I shit myself, pissed myself. I was a mess. That's when I met Todd. He's the guy will help you out. He's cool."

"What about you?"

"Me? I've had the pneumonia once. They say after that it's down the tubes in a hurry. I feel okay. It hurts to breathe some mornings. Hurts to blink my eyes others. I get by."

"You saved my ass."

"You'd a done it for me if it was different. You'd a saved some little kid you saw someone doing that to him. Just remember, you get in that position, don't fair fight him. Kick that mother fucker hard as you can. You might not finish him off, but he won't be wanting to be kicked no more. Guarantee you that."

"You're a kid. You're fucking younger than me."

"Shit. You're dreaming. I'm nineteen. You're a little kid. I'm an old man."

"I know the truth."

"Nobody cares, kid. Forget it. I'm dead."

"I want to get a motel room. Stay with me while I think about what you said."

"You want me to stay with you?"

"You can shower. I'll get some good food. I've got some money."

"I can score a motel room for a week down below the district for fifty bucks. The guy always has a few rooms he can't rent. Tore up . Heaters don't work. Showers leak. Toilets are broke. They're heaven compared to The Hotel. He rents to kids for a price."

"He's gay?"

"Isn't everyone?"

"I won't do that."

"You don't have to. I'll hold up my end. You come up with fifty. That's an even split my boy."

I went into the bathroom and opened the sock bank. I took the fifty dollar bill out and took it out and handed it to Ty.

"Son of a bitch! You are the First National Bank, kid. Now I can buy me some reefer, a couple of meals, and still have enough for some smokes."

"Motel room. One week. You put up the balance with all that equipment you're letting go to waste. My name ain't kid, kiddo or little boy. I'm Billie Joe."

"You drive a hard bargain, kid. Ah . . . Billie Joe. I need a warm bed more than I need reefer. It fucks up my lungs too bad. I try to smoke, but I just cough and puke. A warm bed. A shower every day for a week. Sounds like heaven to me. I ought to save more white boy ass. I might do that. No profit in fucking them."

He leaned forward and put his face in mine again. "Don't think this gets you off the hook, kid. You're going to talk to Todd. You're going to go home. I'm going to save your life one more time. Don't deny me that. Don't let me die without thinking I did one good thing in my miserable life."

"I've got the feeling you've done a lot of good things in your life. You don't deserve to be out here, Ty. You don't deserve to have it."

"Yeah! Life's a bitch ain't it? I guess if I pray, and donate a lot of money, and hold my mouth just right, the good lord he might be a smilin' right down on my black ass and be a curin' me, boy. Dream on! He's too busy planning plane crashes and wars. The old white goat.

"Give me twenty, thirty minutes. I don't think Barney will want it tonight. If he does I'll try to get off real quick. Just sit here. Don't go out. I have a feeling that white boy's going to be a little pissed if he wakes up. He'd recognize you. He wanted in your ass bad. Just sit back here, and I'll be back in half to an hour. Don't move."

He slid out and his big green jacket no longer made him look so large. His hair no longer looked so dirty or ugly. He seemed like a nice guy. I was still scared shitless, and I needed someone to make me feel safe. Ty made me feel safe for some reason. He could have hurt me bad, but he didn't. He seemed to have his heart in the right place.

Time went by while I shivered. It was over an hour, and I thought I was out fifty dollars.

Ty leaned his back against the window and tapped for me to come out.

"Shit, dude. I jewed him down to forty. He had an old man wanted something in a large. Doing old Barney a favor is good business. We have a week plus the rest of tonight is on the house. Bless his good old fat heart." He waved the key as he spoke to me.

The motel room was the last one in the rear at the top. The toilet ran constantly, and the floor was wet, but the beds were soft. The musty smell passed after a few minutes while I sat watching the black and white television that was mostly snow. Ty sang in the shower. He sang in the shower, and he sang in the shower. He must have washed for an hour. He had ten bars of that little soap he got from the guy that ran the place. I think he used them all. The shower went off and I heard him playing with the toilet. He jiggled and wiggled different parts as it continued to run. Then I heard him bang and slam it, and it grew very quiet. He emerged triumphantly through the door. He came out with a towel around him. His waist must have been twenty-four inches . His muscles shone with the water, long lean and hard looking. His hair hung down straight. He looked beautiful with his ebony skin shinny next to all that hair. He dried his hair a little at a time with a pile of towels he had brought in.

"Let me brush it out for you, Ty," I said, getting my brush out of my bag.

I knelt on the bed behind him and brushed in long strokes down to the middle of his back. He watched in the mirror as I worked behind him. His hair became softer and dried completely. It was black as coal. Against the ebony of his skin, it was a marvelous contrast. He looked at himself in the mirror as I worked on him.

"I'm still a handsome fucker. I don't look so old any more. You're just trying to get me to change my hair style."

"Funny what a little water and soap will do."

"Yeah. It's a modern miracle. I don't know about you, but I'm beat, kid."

"Quit calling me that."

"We are talking chronology versus experience. I beat you all to shit every time."

"You aren't dumb. You use big words. You're pretty smart."

“An A student until I got caught with my neighbor . Then I was history in the making. I went back a few months later. They moved somewhere back East. Saint Louis. Louisville. I don't remember. I went back on my thirteenth birthday thinking they'd talk to me. Take me back. Gone."

"How old was your neighbor?"

"Marvin? Forty? Fifty, maybe. He taught me about sex. Neatest thing I'd learned since Nintendo."

"That sucks."

"Marvin did. A velvet mouth. That's when people could still handle me. Nap time, dude. Need my beauty sleep . I'm wasted."

I laid there in the dark trying to organize in my head the events of the past twenty four hours. I got up and took a piss. I slid into the bed next to Ty and wrapped my arms around him. He rolled over and hugged me.

"I was afraid you wouldn't want me to touch you. Thanks, Billie. I still like being hugged more than anything."

"Me too," I said.

Chapter 14

Naked Soul

I don't know why I wanted to be in Ty's arms, but it seemed right. The texture of his skin was beyond any softness skin had given me until then. He held me gently, as if I were fragile. Our nakedness kept me awake most of the night. I thought a lot about sex -- wanting to have it with Ty. I was attracted to him in a big way! A few hours before he had scared hell out of me, and now he was my protector. Life is confusing. He seemed so relaxed and slept so soundly that I finally drifted off to sleep.

The sun was shining in the window, lighting it all around. The curtains were thick and old, but they couldn't deny the daylight that was on the other side. Ty slept on, and I once again let my fingers stimulate him back up to the size I remembered. It was then he moaned and rubbed himself up my leg and onto my stomach as he pressed his body against mine.

"You are fucking with trouble," he said, his eyes still closed.

"I thought you said you weren't interested in sex any more."

"When I'm dirty and grubby and feeling like shit, I'm not. Now I'm clean and shiny and you are getting me really turned on." He opened his lids and glared in mock menace.

"Sorry. I like holding it."

"So do I." He glanced down. "Quite a dick I got. It's the best part of me. We can take turns. I'm not selfish with my pride and joy. Even the cleanest young men want to have it."

I stroked him a couple of times and he moaned into my chest. I used both hands and he moaned some more while watching my ministrations. He held his balls and the bottom of his shaft as I used my hands near the top. His hips rolled him up through my fingers.

"I'd love to fuck you," he said.

"Don't even think about it."

"Just a thought. Good way to break the ice, but I think we better get up."

"Why?"

"Because you don't want to get it up the rear end. I'll just waste a load with you pulling on it. I might score this morning, or this afternoon. Can't tell when someone might want it. Don't want to give away a freebie right now. I could get to liking giving freebies to you!" He grinned across at me. In bed, we could be face to face. "I don't want to get to liking that. Can't be giving nothing away when you can be a sellin' it."

He stood beside the bed and yawned and stretched. It sagged just a bit, but it still hung within six inches of his knee, and his thighs were long and thin. They absolutely shone in the light coming in around the curtains. His color was breathtaking, like a shiny piece of fine furniture, each line cut deep and with perfection.

"Thanks," he said.

"For what?"

"The room. Sleeping with me. I like you." He looked hard into my eyes for a moment. "A lot?"

"Feeling's mutual, but you still can't shove that thing up my butt no matter how nice your are to me. Won't fit."

"I'd make it fit. I'd make you love it while I made it fit. Might take a couple of days, but you'd never go back to white boys."

"That's what worries me."

He jumped back onto the bed and we wrestled for a few minutes. He acted like he was trying to get it on my ass, but he never really did. He stretched again and stood looking at himself in the mirror. He flexed the tight muscles that rippled the whole length of his body. There wasn't any fat on him. He was very thin at the shoulders and waist, but every muscle pressed against the skin to show off. His thighs had the lithe, springy looking muscles that a dancer might have.

"Damn nice looking nigger, don't you think," he said, turning to admire his magnificent ass by running his fingers down over the cheeks.

"Damn nice looking man," I said.

He shook his head and went back into the shower. He stayed and stayed like the night before. I wondered if he thought he could get clean enough to wash away what he knew. What he'd seen. What he'd done. I wonder about stupid stuff sometimes. Thinking about him trying to wash it all away made me want to cry.

The street was moderately crowded at noon. We ran into Harvey, Don, and Gene at the bottom of the block. Harvey did his usual, running out in front of cars, waving like he was nutso. Then acting like he was real normal when he got to us.

"You better hang low, dude. Fucked that guy up, Ty. Broke his jaw. The cops came and cleaned out the mattresses. Took me in. I was too fucked up to run."

"What did you tell them, Harvey?" Ty asked, pressing Harvey against the wall with his face against his and his hand knotting up his shirt at his neck. Harvey looked like a toy against Ty. As narrow as Ty's shoulders were, he completely covered Harvey's body with his.

"I told them the truth. I ain't gonna lie to the man. I told him they was up there making a drug deal. Some big nigger, twenty five or thirty, was selling them crack. He tried to rip the black dude off. The black dude stomped his ass. I just told them what happened. I told them I thought I'd seen the guy dealing down on Market, but I heard he was an L.A. Blood."

"Thanks, Harvey. Sorry I couldn't help you. Thought I should help the kid. You know the routine, he's a fucking virgin."

"Good thing. They'd've had him on a bus he stayed there. Almost got Gene and Don. They went up and over. Cops couldn't follow them. Don was carrying his pants. His ass was hanging out from what I hear."

"How you doing, kid?" Harvey said, without being able to see me.

"Okay," I said.

"You seen this boy's dick. Man he's got one you should look at!"

"Shut up, Harvey," I said.

"Yeah! Shut up," Ty echoed. "I don't need you advertising to no kids for me. I only do men. Not boys. I'm not like you. Doing everyone."

"Shit! You know you're proud of that thing. Biggest one on the block for sure. You're the man. Where'd you get so clean? Look at that fucking hair."

"Motel. Econo. Kid sprung for a room. I took care of Barney's buddy. We got a week."

"Can we shower. Just Don, Gene and me. We'll keep it quiet."

Ty looked at me.

"I don't care. As long as you don't get us thrown out."

"It's cool. Barney don't mind a few. We'll have to cut it off after them. I don't want Sharon up there. She wants to bring tricks up. I can't deal with that," Ty said.

"I've seen some of her tricks! I don't want to see any more," I said.

"Fucker could punch," Harvey said, holding his jaw.

"Not any more," Ty said, and laughed. "Not any more he don't fuck with no little kids."

We went to the diner and ate. Ty put up the ten he got back on the room, and I put in ten. We all got pretty full. We stopped and I bought donuts to take to the room. Ty said he had business and told me to take the guys back for a shower. Barney looked out through the glass as we passed. I thought he was going to say I couldn't take them up, but he called Harvey over and jingled his pockets at him. Harvey followed him into the office.

Gene turned the television on right off. The snow was a little less dense. The blizzard was over. Don lay back on the other bed with his shoes on and his hands behind his head.

"Thought you guys wanted to shower," I said.

"See, Gene. Told you he'd want to get us out of our clothes."

"Fuck you, Don."

"Do you want me to shower first," he said, "maybe wash my back for me."

"Fuck you," I repeated realizing it was a dead end I was going down.

"Boy's got a set of lips on him," Gene said, pulling on the front of his pants looking at Don. "You ought to take him up on the shower thing."

Don jumped up and grabbed Gene from behind trying to wrestle him out of the chair. Gene just sat staring into the tube. Don went around him and sat on one of his legs and started to rub the bulge in his pants. Gene spread his legs and continued staring into the screen

"Fucking little kid is talented," Gene said.

"We never did get done last night. Fucking cops broke it up just when I was going to nut. Still haven't done it. I was looking for an alley or something before we found out about the room. Maybe we can work something out here. Maybe I'll just wash your back, Don."

"You're all talk," Don said.

Gene stripped as we watched television. He was hard as a rock when he pulled off his pants and underwear in one motion. He pulled them down to his shoes and socks and pulled them all off at the same time. He sat two feet from the television jacking himself off. I watched Gene. He seemed to absently stroke or pull himself all the time. Don leaned on his arm and watched him stroke himself. His cock was still thick and red, but I could see it a lot clearer with the lights on in the room. He had a small patch of reddish hair around it. Even his hand didn't fit all the way around it. The same smell of sex I smelled in the boarded up hotel I now smelled in the motel room. My own lust was rising just looking at Gene. I focused on the television.

There was a knock at the door. Harvey slipped in and closed it behind him.

"Boy never quits. Did you ever have any other toys Gene. Damn thing gets bigger every day."

"He's mine first," Don said.

"Go for it, I just finished up," Harvey said.

"I don't want him."

Donnie pulled up Gene's shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. He stood behind Gene and rubbed his shoulders and chest. Harvey stripped down to his underwear and laid on the second bed. I tried to watch what was on television, but I didn't even know what it was. Both of Gene's hands worked as he now stared at himself as well.

"Let's take a shower," Don said.

"I don't know, Don. I'm almost ready now. I don't want to stop. I'm still working on last night."

Don smacked Gene's head. "I'm ready for a shower. Come on!"

Gene was a foot taller than Don. He stood up and his dick looked obscene on his skinny body. His skin was white as snow. His nipples were tiny brown spots. His arms were like pipe cleaners and the only body hair I could see was the inch above the round fat meat that looked red and raw. Gene went into the bathroom and Don stripped and left his clothes at the door. Harvey was snoring by the time the shower came on. I could hear laughing and giggling above the sound of the water. I stared at the television and dosed off.

I woke up with Harvey pulling the covers down on the bed.

"What the fuck you doing?"

"They are using that bed. I want to sleep. I was up all night."

Harvey had taken off his clothes and slid down under the sheet. He threw his arm across my chest, snuggled close, and was snoring in only a minute or two. The lights were out and Gene and Don seemed to be sleeping in the other bed. I drifted back off to sleep.

We watched music videos and ate jelly donuts when we woke up. Donnie worked on the cable connection until he got a clear picture. There was a knock at the door, and Tony and Tim were waiting outside. They pushed in past Harvey.

"Damn! I need a shower. Glad you guys got a room," Tony said.

"Who's in there now?"

"No one, but I'm next," Harvey said. "You and your boyfriend have to wait until I'm done. Don't worry. No one suspects anything about you guys. Just don't drop the soap Tony. I think I've seen Tim watching that tight little ass of yours"

"You want you should get your lights punched out, fag boy?" Tim asked, stepping around Tony.

"Cool it. You guys want to fight take it outside. I'm keeping this room," I said.

"We'll wait for Harvey to finish. We can shower at the same time," Tony said, ignoring Harvey.

"I heard they caught Donnie last night," Tim said.

"No. They went over the roof. They know how to get away from that place easy," Harvey said.

The shower ran constantly and Bryce and Gil showed up a few minutes apart. I was sure Sharon would show up, but no one had seen her. Tim and Tony went in at the same time and closed the door. They were the first ones to think of privacy. As quick as they came out, Bryce and Gil went in. I was wondering if everyone did everything in pairs. It was almost the same way people had teamed up the night before.

When the last shower was over, I took my bag into the bathroom and made the deposit into my sock bank. I carried the bag back to the bed and threw it near the nightstand. Harvey sat leaning back in the chair watching music videos, and the three other boys slept like rocks. I stepped out onto the balcony and felt the cool shade on my face. I breathed in the fresh air and thought about which way to go. I tried not to think about the guys I'd become associated with. I knew what each of them was like. I saw what each of them liked to do. I knew what they looked like naked. I thought about being in one of those beds with them taking turns with me. I pulled my crotch and hurried past the window where I knew Barney sat, watching the comings and goings. I wanted to stop thinking about sex, but the longer I was without someone to hold me, the more compelling the images in my brain were. I thought about which one I would like it with best and which one would be the most fun. I crossed up into the gay district with my hands stuffed deep in my pockets, watching my feet.

I went back to the diner for more coffee. I walked for an hour and stopped at each of the streets where Earl had told me to stop. I went back in the diner as the afternoon was starting to darken. I sat and drank more coffee . I thought about the motel room and wondered what I was missing. I really didn't want to do anything with any of them, but I wanted to watch them do it with each other. I drank my coffee and stood up. I felt closed in. I dropped some change on the table, and the big man in the almost clean apron nodded, looking at me under his eyebrows without humor in his face.

I walked up the block. I hadn't crossed Haight yet. I knew the name from tapes I'd seen about the hippies and acid freaks of years ago I heard the street signs were often missing. Everyone wanted to remember it, and they took a piece with them when they could. I knew not to go to Golden Gate Park. Earl warned me most about that place. It was where the street kids died several times a year.

"Hey, kiddo," Ty said. "I was looking for you. They said you just went out. Went to the diner. What's up?"

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"About what?"

"I don't know."

"I think about that a lot. There's a free concert tonight. Up in the park. Couple of bands are playing. Want to go with me?"

"Sure. I thought the park was dangerous?"

"No. Not when there's something going on. Everyone will be up there. It will be happening tonight."

"What about the room?"

"Only Tim and Tony were there when I was there. They were sleeping. Everyone else has gone. It's cool. They know not to fuck up when we have a room. Tim and Tony are cool anyway. They don't do tricks, so it makes them okay. Tim would kick ass to keep it straight for us."

"How do they survive?"

"Sharon. She takes care of them. They take care of her. I'm beginning to wonder about them though. Tony's always mooning over Tim, and they're always together."

"They said they are straight," I said.

"I saw them do shit together last night. Touching each other."

"Sex is sex, kiddo. They wouldn't even look at each other the first couple of weeks. Now they cross the line from time to time. I think Tony's gay. It's just the way he looks at Tim. Watches him."

"I don't get it."

"That's okay. You don't have to get it. Let's walk up to the park. The bands will be setting up at dark. We can look at the shops to waste time. I can look at all the stuff I'm going to buy when I score big. I got a guy wants me to do a film for him. Says a couple a hundred to take a dude and a chick around the world. I think I'll like it. Money sounds nice. I scored twenty this afternoon. Glad I didn't let you ruin me for the day. I'd never've left the room if I hadn't gone when I did. I mean wouldn't have left you. You put crazy ideas in my head, kid."

I looked up at him trying to figure out what he was talking about. I mean I knew the picture by now, but I never knew when anyone was serious or joking around. I couldn't get heated up like Tim and want to jump someone about it, but I still felt like I should know when people were joking with me. He smiled and mussed up my hair. He kept his hand on my shoulder as we walked.

"You wear a strange size shirt, don't you. You're body is so long. It must be hard finding them to fit. Where do you get them?"

"Big and tall when I got the money. This one came from a trick. A guy that took me out. He wasn't nearly as big as me in the arms, but I roll the sleeves up. It's just an extra long, sixteen neck. The sleeves are never long enough. I roll them. You can't buy forty-inch arms off the rack. Don't exist. Maybe in a basketball players' clothing store."

"You play?"

"I did. I was a mean outside shooter. Six foot one when I was twelve. I couldn't be stopped going to the hoop. I was a mean mother fucker, kiddo."

"Can you call me Billie Joe, Ty? I'd like that better."

"I'm sorry, Billie Joe. I forgot you're old enough to be my, what, big little brother."

We walked together until I spotted what I was looking for. I sent him across the street for some ice cream cones. I went into the big and tall shop and spotted a soft baby blue shirt that looked like it would be great on Ty. I paid twenty-three dollars and was standing out in front as he dodged cars trying to get back across the street. He handed me my Rocky Road double scoop cone, and I handed him the bag.

"What's this?" he said.

"Thank you."

"Thank me for what?"

"Last night. Last night again. This morning. Letting me touch you. I just felt like I wanted you to have a nice shirt for the concert."

Ty handed me his coat and took off the worn out brown shirt he had on. He rolled it up and put it in the bag as he took the new shirt out of the wrapping.

"My color. I look dynamite in blue. How'd you know?" "I'm thinking of being an interior decorator. I looked at your fantastic skin, and I saw a blue shirt making you look like a million and a quarter. Thanks for last night. I didn't mean to crowd you this morning. I never been with a . . . . Well, I'm curious. I'm curious about everything, and thanks for putting up with me."

"Crowd me? You're funny," Ty said. He did a hook shot with the bag at the first trash can. It hit precisely in the center of the can. He changed hands with his cone and put his arm across my shoulder. We walked up the hill and sat on the first bench we came to. He pressed his leg against mine and looked at my face and kept his arm on me. It was different. I knew we were liking each other a lot. I knew that twinkle, and his beautiful white teeth, and that smile made him so handsome! The blue shirt did set off his mahogany skin. He carried his coat so the shirt could be seen.

We could hear the music playing after awhile. First it was warming up and playing short quick parts of tunes I thought I recognized. One band was bluegrass, and the other was rock and roll. We stood in a crowd of several hundred people. Ty stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders. I leaned back against him and closed my eyes remembering someone else that stood behind me just that way. I liked Ty. I owed Ty a lot. I didn't love him, nor was I dumb enough to think loving him was a possibility. I liked him touching me. I loved not being standing alone. I loved anyone that kept me from feeling alone. As it cooled off he crossed his arms on my chest and held me to his body. I felt warm and safe with Ty. He seemed to need to protect me. His touch contained an intimacy that made me dizzy.

The music was loud and pretty good. The people came and went. A lot of the kids were there. They passed and looked hard at Ty and me. Some nodded and others pretended not to see us. Harvey stood fifty yards away and looked at us for most of the concert. I didn't see Don or Gene. I thought I saw Tim, and figured Tony was close. Sharon was with two guys. Her hair was clean. I suspected she'd visited a room in an Econo Motel. I hoped she wasn't there tonight. I did hope the guys were there. I wanted a repeat of last night without the risk of being exposed to anyone that came by. I knew Sharon would bring trouble, and I intended to tell Ty I wouldn't have it.

When the last music had played and the crowd started to leave, I turned and burrowed my face into Ty's chest. His body was so warm. He held me and we stood together in the dark.

"We better get out of here. This place isn't safe," Ty said.

It was midnight when we walked back down the hill. We stopped and drank coffee. Clean apron ignored us. I wondered if he had a home. He was always there. Ty ignored him. We took the same table in the back of the narrow diner. Harvey stood outside the window and made faces. Bryce came by and stood talking to him. I didn't see any of the other kids.

Ty kept his hand on my neck as we went back toward the room. Tim and Tony were in the second bed. No one else was there. Ty undressed me and stretched out on the bed beside me. He kissed my stomach and laid his head there. I fell asleep with him like that.

I woke up in the pitch black. I could feel Ty lying on the sheet. I could hear something from the other bed. It took a couple of minutes for the little bit of light to allow me to see Tim kneeling between Tony's legs. He grunted real quiet as he worked on him. I could just make out the lines of his chest. It was thick with muscle. He held Tony's hips and slid in and out in a moderate tempo.

"Don't you do it inside me, you hear. I don't want that shit in me!"

"Hush up. You'll wake 'em up. I'm almost there. Quit worrying. I know how to do it."

"Just you pull it out before you do it."

Tim snorted as he tried to answer. He gulped some air and I heard him jacking himself off, but I couldn't adjust my eyes to see him doing it. His breathing echoed through the room. He continued to rub himself against Tony's ass, moaning real soft.

"Okay. Okay. Get me a towel. Wipe me off. You owe me now. Don't try to go back on it."

"I said I'd do it. Shut the fuck up for crap's sake. I wish I'd just gone to sleep," Tim said.

He left the door to the bathroom open when he brought back the towel. There was light coming through the window. Tony's ass was in the air, and Tim wiped it down.

"There. Happy?"

"Not until you blow me. I'll be real happy then."

"Tomorrow night you blow me."

"Right after I fuck you. That's the deal. Get to work."

"Fuck you. Horny asshole. I don't know why I let you talk me into this shit, Tony."

"Cause you're a horny asshole just like me."

"I guess. Better than Sharon. She's getting like fucking a melon. No feel to it."

"Do you eat the melon after you fuck it, Tim?"

"Always. Makes a man of you. Puts hair on your chest."

"That's where you got all that hair."

Tony was perfectly still with his hands behind his head. He watched Tim as he licked at the head. Little by little he started to suck him off. Tony lay without moving, and only his breathing changed.

"You cum in my mouth and you'll never cum again, asshole."

"Fuck. I was just getting ready to nut. Now you fucked it up. Oh well. Just got to start over. I got nothing but time. Less teeth, will you. I want to use it again."

"Fuck you."

"You never get enough do you Tim. Gonna have to put you out on the block with these other boys."

"Fuck you."

"I love it when you talk dirty to me. Suck my dick, Tim."

Tony grabbed it out of Tim's mouth as he pumped himself up to a finish. He was mopping himself off before he stopped shooting. Tim pulled the sheet up and lay back down before Tony was through. Tony turned his back to him and faced the other way.

A few moments later, the door opened and closed. I thought it was Harvey and Bryce. They immediately lay down on the floor in front of the other bed. Ty still slept soundly on top of the sheet. He was too big to move and it was too cool for me to lie alone on top of it, so I put my arm on his chest and pulled myself close before drifting off.

Chapter 15

Reality Of The Street

I woke up holding onto Ty in my best sleeping position. Feeling the warmth of his velvet skin made me press my face against the middle of his strong back. My arm easily fit around his waist. The head of his manhood pressed into my hand. My offering rested in the crack of the pair of muscles that formed his ass. It was a mixture of soft skin and solid flesh. While I moved my hips to take the maximum pleasure from my dream state, I moaned realizing how marvelous Ty's body was. I wanted to hang indefinitely suspended in the pleasure of not being completely awake but still enjoying the ability to feel all the sensations his body offered me.

It took me more minutes to realize we weren't alone in the bed. There was an arm around my chest and a warmth up behind me. There was someone in the same position I was in, and his best part rested in my crack of warmth. The heat from the skin of his chest against my back made my warmth complete. I reached to feel if my hand could identify the body. The skin was not smooth. More coarse. Not with the heat I took from Ty, but a pleasant balance to Ty's heat. The chest was narrow, undefined. I slid my hand down to a tiny patch of pubic hair and to a column of thick flesh planted and pressing against me. I stroked it once to get a feel for the size, but I already knew who it was. It was thick and long, a good bit longer than mine but not quite as long as Ty's. It was Gene. There wasn't anyone I knew but Gene who had that kind of size. I had wanted to touch him since I first saw him naked. I stroked him one long full stroke to feel his strength. He moaned and pressed himself into my hand. He seemed to offer no threat. Holding, being held was good for me. I left the bodies around me alone.

The room was still dark, and I sensed other people were there around us. I couldn't take much interest. The warmth so enveloped me that I went back to feeling only the objects in my hands and the feel of their bodies on my face and stomach and thighs and back and buttocks. The wonder of warmth carried me off in comfort and pleasure. I pressed myself into Ty's crack and fell off the edge of reality dreaming of only the warmth and love I craved.

I don't know how long I slept after that. I was on my back when rays of light crossed my face. They angered me like a fly bugging me. I tried to fight them off with my hand, but the damage was done. Sleep deserted me too quickly to be wrestled back again. I found myself looking at Tony, Tim and two other bodies in the other bed. Tony had assumed my favorite position, holding Tim, wrapping himself around him from behind. His hand rested on Tim's stomach, and, much to my surprise, Tim held his hand. Bryce and Harvey were also in the bed facing the other direction, with Harvey wrapped around Bryce. I looked to my left and saw Gene. His leg crossed over my leg and his hand was on the inside of my thigh. His face was pointed in the other direction. Don lay where Ty had been and his hand was on my best part. As usual I was charged up for battle. He was pressed into my thigh and he slobbered on my stomach just below my belly button.

I pushed myself up on my arms and glared into the light from the window in the bathroom. Someone had left the door open. I fought off my fog. Who the fuck were all these people?

I saw Sharon on the floor. Next to her was a guy I didn't know. I saw a green uniform coat on the chair by the television. I could see the muscles in his shoulders and back and that short, telltale hair. His legs were covered in a light blond fur. His arms had longer, darker hairs on them. One was just under Sharon's breast. She was stretched out in a forty five degree angle, and when I sat up I could see his stiffness resting between her legs two inches below her love connection. His was fat and no longer than mine. When I got up to piss I took a closer look, and his pubic hair was light blond. I was surprised to see his face was that of a boy. His arms were bulging and sunburned, but the rest of him was a pale white, save his face. His pants were still on and bunched at his ankles with his boxers buried in the crumpled tangle just above his feet. The light blond hairs below his belly button curled into his bush. His other hand held his own hairless balls. I could tell he was having a dynamite dream. There was liquid on her leg where his manhood rested, and he was pumping out more while his dream had control.

I watched his puddle grow. I reached my hand down to touch the liquid It was irresistible to me. I couldn't keep myself from being drawn to it. I felt it with the very tips of my fingers, rubbing them together. It was hot and sticky. My fingers brushed the head and felt it's fullness and the pulsing that continued pumping out the clear pe-cum fluid up under the head. I collected the sticky substance and rubbed it on my own manhood. It responded with a lurch and a jump that ignited a fire in my groin. What I wanted to do with him I didn't do. I settled for lubricating myself with a little more. The head pulsed when my hand felt it during my collection. I wanted to taste him, to feel him expanding in my mouth.

Standing there, gathering honey, I shook from fear or lust. My fingers felt the man's cock-head. I let the liquid pump into my palm as the combination of feelings burnt my insides and had me near a discharge I'd be helpless to stop. I couldn't breathe. My heart pounded. I wanted to die. I wanted him.

His hand grabbed my wrist on my third collection. I had even more of the head in my possession, fascinated by the feeling of the fresh warm juice pulsing out of him. I found myself face to face with his baby blue eyes. His face was tight and his eyes squinted. His grip was powerful. I waited for the fist. Why was I so fucking stupid to touch some strange guy's cock?

"What time is it," he growled, down inside his throat with a raspy edge.

"I don't know," I said, unable to let go of his manhood fast enough.

"Where am I?" he said, softer and with more clarity. "Econo Motel south of the Castro."

"Oh Yeah! Carry on. Don't stop. It's okay. She's a waste. Not nearly as good as fucking my little brother." He pressed my hand back on the head and into the puddle that had so attracted me. He held my wrist until I once more held his meat. My own liquid was discharging on his arm as a different kind of thrilling heat ran up through my thighs, into my body, and flushed out through my face. I squeezed involuntarily. I felt him stiffen, and he seemed to purposely rub his arm against my own leaking erection. He leaned on one elbow and watched my hand stroke him long and slow. His eyes still squinted but they stared as though he was watching two other people. He moved his face to the inside of my thigh and leaned so his hair was now in the line of fire of my discharge.

"Faster?" I asked, unsure and wanting more than anything to please this soldier.

"No. That's okay. I like that. Slow. Easy. You have it right."

He stared. His face rubbed against my soft inner leg. I felt his lips brush my skin in what felt like a kiss. While thinking more about his nearness to my erection, I felt him spew hot liquid out over my fingers. It was thick fluid that ran like a lava flow pumping steadily out of his open slit. The hot breaths kissed my leg, thrilling me. His stomach and chest worked in tight quick motion. My own liquid was becoming thicker and more persistent as it dripped into his prickly hair. He made no protest. With a shuddering his chest filled as he gasped for air, sucking it in in a series of overlapping gulps and blowing it out past my leg where his lips nearly touched my skin. He fell on his back sucking more breaths in rapid succession. I held him secure in my hand.

"That's it. Finally! I needed that. Remind me to thank you later. I'm wasted. Fucked up. Damn nice of you, mate. Thanks."

He seemed to fall asleep while he was talking, mumbling his words as consciousness drained out of him in a last, long sighing breath.

I collected the result of my handiwork carefully and sat on the toilet, using it for my own lusty purposes. I'd forgotten I hadn't had sex since Earl, and I'd watched enough to set me on fire more than once. It felt good when I felt the warm liquid on my chest and shoulder. I held myself and still felt the guy's juices on me. I don't know why it so excited me. I loved the sensations my skin got from it. I mixed his in mine and compared the jelly-like thickness of his with my runny version of the same thing. I spread it on my stomach and in my bush and watched it fill my belly button.

The shower was long and hot. The steam rolled up around me. I hunched to protect my stomach from the water, and still played in our love liquids. I finally covered my body in soap from head to toe, and as soon as I touched myself it wanted to stiffen for me so I could wash it completely. I massaged soap into it and admired the width and my raven black hair that shone. As I was soaping my head the second, third or forth time, the curtain ripped back, startling me into trying to hide my guilt behind too small hands. It was the fucking soldier looking right at what I wanted to hide.

"I wondered where you went. Can I shower too?"

I could see his problem was back. In a second, he was standing next to me under the water. He was maybe four inches taller than I and not nearly as big as I thought. "Could you soap me up, friend?"

I immediately started working on his erection hoping it would be as quick a second time around. I knew I'd started it and hoped he didn't want me to do anything else. I was scared of what he wanted from me. As I touched him I wanted to see how much I could swallow. I wanted to taste him. I stared at the contours, the veins, the subtle brown marks on an otherwise white piece of meat.

"That's really nice, but I meant my body. I'm just able to stand up right now. I want to wash that bitch off me. Don said she was fine, but he's better than she is. You're better than he is."

"You been with Donnie?"

"He's my brother. I came down here to see him. He thought I'd like Sharon. I tried. I prefer him, and now you." "I don't do that."

"No biggy. I understand curiosity. I was curious about everyone when I was your age. My big brother taught me all I needed to know. I was the second oldest. I taught Phillip and Don. They're the youngest."

"You do it with your brothers?" I asked again.

"We like sex. Who else were we going to do it with at thirteen and fourteen. My old man used to have a different woman every night. Sometimes two. Sometimes men. It runs in the family. We got an extra sex gene or something. Each one of us is worse about sex than the last. Phillip is a little crazier than I am, and Donnie's crazy, period. Sex is all he thinks about. We used to all go at it, and when the three of us were worn out Donnie would still be trying to get us going again."

He bent to my soaping, encouraging my hands.

"We've got that gene, you know."

I felt the muscles in his chest and even felt myself getting turned on by touching him. He wasn't thick or big in his arms and chest, but tight, bulging muscle ran through him. I moved around him and worked on his back and shoulders. He leaned against the wall with his hands and let me work down his legs and up his back until I leaned up against his crack with my stiffness. I really wasn't thinking much about doing any thing, but it felt good in the soap and the crack and his heat. I watched it sliding in the soap.

"I'd let you. I like that, but AIDS and shit. I don't do that anymore. You can go ahead on the crack but don't try to do that. I mean I don't know you and I don't want that shit. I know that's where you get it. Too damn bad, that's the most fun. I only like getting it there a little more than giving. I wish I knew you better, and you were . . . ."

"It's cool. I shouldn't anyway. I mean, like you say, we don't really know each other."

"Yeah, and you've already got me off once and pretty damn close to twice when you grabbed my pecker right off with that soap. I haven't done a thing in three months. First leave after basic and all. I thought I'd do it last night with the bimbo, but I couldn't get turned on enough. Kept losing it. Just didn’t have a woody for her. So boring I fell asleep for a couple of hours until I felt that hand of yours wanting it. That was what I needed. Some nice, good-looking guy's hand on my pecker. Wanting it. I don't think I'll ever chase women. I guess we ruint each other, my brothers and me. I still like them best. You're okay though."

"You all still doing it together?"

"All but John. He's married. Got two kids. I was doing it with Phillip and Don till I went in. We done it the last night all night. Mostly Don and I. Phillip wears out quicker than Don. He might get married. Me and Donnie, I kinda doubt it. I think we're ruint for sure. Girls don't have what guys have. Too bad, too."

I worked the soap into his chest and felt myself against his rear. I wasn't going to do anything else. I really didn't like this side of sex. Even what I'd done with Earl wasn't any more than jacking off with help. It didn't mean anything, and yet when I saw this guy down there dripping, I couldn't resist going for it. Touching him. Feeling what he was like. I hated that! Why was I so damned turned on by some strange guy's dick? I didn't like what that made me feel about myself.

But I knew the truth about it no matter how I wanted to feel. I felt drawn to it each time I came face to face with a new adventure in someone else's manhood. I had to touch it. See what it was like. Let it take me to the intensity I needed in my own lust. Like my soldier, I was ruint for sure. I wanted him. I wanted him bad. I loved his body against me. He made me alive. He gave me life. He took me out of my own mind and flushed out my thoughts. It was only his body and mine pressed together in some incredible magic waltz that made me too dizzy to think or to care.

"Just a couple of minutes and I'll be happy. I won't do nothing you don't like."

I listened to his words and felt him tighten when I did what he wanted. He pressed back against the object he didn't want inside. He churned his hips against me and I held onto his chest as I took him there. The muscles fought my arm and it made me hold him tighter to feel the strength he had for me. He huffed and puffed when he got over the top with my hand pumping him up. My feet came off the surface of the tub as he leaned forward and I ground into him as the crack opened. I milked him for as long as he twisted and churned for my hand. The music faded and stopped. Our dance ended.

He sat down on the edge of the tub and placed his head between his legs. He had shrunk up to just an inch and a very small head in a blond bush. He seemed to gasp for breath and looked up at my face being pelted with the rivulets of water that splashed on him. I knew what he had to do. It was written all over him. The connection wasn't broken yet. The last dance was for me. I wouldn't let him though. I wasn't going to let him do what he wanted. There was no way. My brain told me that I didn't want this, but his lips were too powerful a force. I gasped as he slid them over my head. The tongue floated around me. More slid down over his tongue.

I grasped his head with that prickly hair and rode him until my body ached. His fingers rubbed my rear roughly, and he showed me what all his practice with his brothers had been for. He and his brothers had worked on each other, and what he had learned was obvious. My hips worked with his mouth and I would not let go of his head, could not let go. The steam no longer came from the water and his fingers drove me crazy as he used the soap to send them into me. One then two, and as he was working on three, I felt my body tighten against them and buried myself in his throat.

I loved the feel of his soldier throat around me. It was all I could do to force myself back to the wall at the moment of truth. His face did not move as I covered it with appreciation for his talent. He ran it across his lips and down on his neck. I held the soap dish and tried not to fall down into the bottom of the tub. My hips churned and fought with my hand as I finally managed to subside while still standing. He pulled me toward him and buried his face in my bush. He held my rear end in both of his hands and held me there against his face. He kissed my dying lust farewell. He soaped me up and let me rinse off. I was drying myself off while he still showered on. I walked through the door and looked at the bodies. Don raised his head and glared at me.

"I figured he was with you. That whore always gets the new ones first. You won't even look at me."

I ignored him. I'd learned to just not pay attention to the insults everyone seemed so free with. I heard Don leap from the bed and disappear into the bathroom. The shower ran on and on, and everyone slept except the brothers and me, and I tingled and felt alive and looked at Tony's hand that now held Tim's manhood. Their positions hadn't changed.

I dressed and closed the door quietly behind me. The sun still flooded the balcony. It was just before noon when it disappeared over the top of the motel. I stood at the stairs, wondering where Ty had gone as I studied the underside of The Castro. I crossed quick past Barney's perch. I could see him stand as quick as I passed the window. I ran out into the street dodging cars to get away. I knew he'd be on the top step, watching me. I didn't want to see him watching me. I got nauseated when I thought about him watching me. "Hey! Billie Joe! Wait," I heard from a voice that I didn't know.

The soldier ran down the stairs and into the street to catch up with me. "I'm Jake. I thought you should know my name," he confessed while buttoning up his jacket with his shirt still out of his green pants.

"I see you know mine," I said.

"Donnie told me. What do you think we were doing in there?"

"I know what you were doing. What I don't know is why you wanted to with me?"

"No? Don't pull that shit! You started that. Remember?"

"Yeah! I just don't like being like that. I mean you're really neat, and I'm sure I'd like you if I knew you, but I don't, and there I am playing with you. It confuses me why I am like that. I must be a real pervert to want someone I don't know."

"Me too! I wanted you, too. When I come in last night, Sharon went into the bathroom and turned the light on to do her business. Even lying there with that . . . you know. I wanted you then. I wanted to dump Sharon. She's such a whore."

"You're not?"

"Yeah! But at least I'm a good whore. I don't pretend to be anything else."

"Did you do it with Donnie?"

"He's my brother. I can't say no to him. He knows what he likes, and worse, he knows what I like. I told you about that gene. You got it too. Listen to you talk. You can't help yourself. Neither can I. We're meant to be together. I like you. You're pretty fucking neat, you know."

"I guess we're more alike than I want to know." "Damn right we are! You know it! That's why I wanted to catch you. We'll get some protection and you can have what you want. I haven't been done good since John got married. I really wanted to today. With you. I knew you would be good. You like it too much to be anything else." "I'm looking for Ty. I don't think I want to do anything else. I don't like the way it makes me feel."

"Could have fooled me. The way you made a mess all over my face, I thought you had a pretty good time. Never seen anyone shoot that much."

"That's a problem. At home I never got it all cleaned up. I've always been like that. I don't know why I shoot so much. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Don't worry about it. There's nothing wrong. You're a stud. I want you to do it to me tonight. This afternoon. Right now if you want. I'll take you to breakfast and we'll get some protection. We can spend some time together. Be friends."

"I don't want that, Jake. I don't want everything to come down to sex. That's what you are saying, that I'll be your friend if we're doing it all the time. Then what happens when we have enough of each other?"

"That's what I came here for, Billie Joe. Someone like me going without for three months. I got to make up for lost time. I'm telling you I want to make it up with you. I can be with any of those guys, I want to be with you. I picked you. I won't have enough of you. We can just be friends if you want. Terrible waste, but I like you that much. I'll probably get myself into trouble if you don't go with me, but that's okay. I want you to be my friend because I like you. Because you're just like me. Wanting it all the time. I can see it in your eyes. I feel it coming off you. You're a fucking sex pot, Billie Joe. You can deny it, but it takes one to know one."

"Cool it. I don't want to talk about that."

"Let me take you to breakfast."

"O.K. I can do that."

"What do you see in, Ty? He's a . . . well you are going to get a bad rep. People notice that shit. Some people get pretty offended by shit like that where I'm from."

"He's my friend. He saved my ass. I can get in trouble for having a friend that cares about me and that I care about? Remind me not to go where you are from."

"You know what I mean. He isn't white. You are. What are you doing with him?"

"Forget it, Jake. You wouldn't understand."

"I'd try, but it doesn't make much sense to me. You being with him. I saw what he's got. I know I ain't got nothing to compare with that fucking thing, but I know what to do with what I have. Is that it. You like the big ones like Ty and Gene?"

"I don't even know Gene. I told you Ty saved my ass. We're friends. That's all I need to know. What he's got is what he's got. I didn't ask him about the size of his dick at the time he was pulling my ass out of the fire."

Jake looked at me hard for a moment, and his eyes were serious. "Let's go eat."

We went to the diner. I knew Jake from people back home. They looked at someone and knew all they wanted to know. Appearances were everything. If you fit the mold of what they thought was their crowd, you were in. No questions asked. Didn't matter what was inside you. If you appeared different or acted different, you were suspect and excluded from the inner circle. You couldn't get your foot in the door if you weren't one of the "in" crowd. We ate and Jake paid. Remembering Raymond, I didn't object. He walked with me as I searched all the way up to Golden Gate Park for Ty. I felt kinda naked out there without him.

I took Jake up and down alleys and to the crumbling hotel where it all began. It was closed for sure. There was no longer a way in. The boards had all been reinforced. That explained why everyone was in our room. Jake said it would be open in a week. The kids always worked at the barriers until they were back in. He took me down to the Mission area. He told me that when it got hot in the Castro the kids took up residence in different shells of buildings and tried to get a place with someone for as long as they could.

After awhile he seemed to want nothing more than to be helpful to me in my search. He took me places I knew nothing about. As the day wore on he made one stop for himself. He went into a drug store and came out with a bag. He held onto it for quite awhile before opening it to show me a box of 12 lubed and ribbed Trojans. I shook my head and protested and wondered what it would be like. My groin twitched at the thought. I remembered my quest. He smiled and followed when he wasn't smiling and leading. He was Carl's age. Just a little over seventeen and his parents' consent. It didn't make any difference where I went, he followed. I was glad. Without Ty I was alone. Jake was company. The uniform cleared the way for us. Without Ty, Jake would be my protection, no matter what he carried in his sack. I could no longer be alone. I would die if I was left alone. I knew that. I needed Jake. I knew that.

We were back in the Castro late in the day. He went by the room as I leaned by the diner, waiting. He returned to report it was empty, clean, and made up. No Ty.

"If we don't find him this evening, you going back with me to the room? "

"I guess. I think we'll find him."

"I don't. He's on a trick. Someone picked him up for a few days. He'll be back later in the week. You shouldn't worry about him. Don says they all go on two and three day tricks. Sometimes they last for a few weeks or more. Guy just scored a good one that's all."

"You seem to know a lot about it."

"I been down here before."

"You sell yourself?"

"No! Well, I got paid a few times, but I didn't go for the money. Some guys have to pay or it doesn't work. It's about sex for me. I mean I go with someone to do it. Money is nice if you are broke. Sex is nice whether or not you are broke. Don't you think?"

Several guys stopped and talked to Jake as we stood out next to the diner windows. Mostly it was older guys, twenties and thirties. Some commented on the uniform and said they wondered where he had been. About seven o'clock a couple stopped. One was tall and thin and the other was shorter and a little chubby. They seemed real happy to see Jake.

"Wondered where in hell you went. We worried you got busted."

"No. Just joined the army. Same thing though." "Why didn't you come by. You know you are always welcome. Don't be hanging on the streets again Jake. You've escaped pretty easy so far. Don't tempt it."

"I don't." He held out the bag. The tall guy looked in. "The right start, but cutting down on the number of partners is even more effective than condoms. Are these for this cute fellow?"

"Yeah! I hope. He seems resistant to my devilish charm. I've done everything but offered to pay him to take care of my needs. He ain't buying none of it. He knows I need him badly. Puts me at a distinct disadvantage." "Sounds like he's a lot smarter than you, Jake. I'm Bart, and this is Hank." They shook my hand. Firm. Manly. "Don't let him talk you into anything you don't want to do. He'll charm your undies right off you. Jake is a doll when he wants something from you. Just don't give him anything you want to keep."

I shook their hands and was glad for the human touch, and we exchanged smiles. I told them my name and they said I seemed pretty young to be out here. I told them I was visiting and not a product of the Castro. They smiled their approval and warned that one often gets caught up in the street before he can realize it.

"Look you two, here's a card for each of you. Billie Joe, you don't know us, but we work with the street kids. Jake does know us, and he's tried to work his way into our hearts for a couple of years. He knows if you get up against it and you need a place, well, you have the number. Night or day. No strings. You call, and if we got some room, you got a bed. You want help? We'll give it to you. You want out? We'll get you out. No questions asked. No preaching. We don't care what your reasons are. You need help, we are help. That's it. No strings. Never strings. You kids need us, we're on the way. Don't forget."

"Thanks," I said, looking at the names and numbers on the card.

"You know them?" I said, as I followed them down the street with my eyes.

"Yeah! They try to save everyone from the devil." "Christian?"

"No. I don't know. I mean the devil on the streets. They know some kids got . . . . Well, they let some kids hang around their place a few years ago. I don't know the entire story, but they were the usual street collection. They disappeared. Bart and Hank never stopped looking for them, asking about them. A few kids were found up in Golden Gate after their boys disappeared. They started taking the kids in. Trying to get them off the streets, home, into a program."

"What do you mean, found."

"Dead. Strangled. Two or three one year. The year after their boys took off."

The idea of murder shook me. "They sound like nice guys."

"Yeah! They're okay, but no fun. I came on to both of them all the time, they just put me to bed and told me to get over it. Most guys love to go with me, but neither one of them ever done nothing more than kiss me on the cheek, or hug me like my mother did before she died. Funny guys." "Sounds like they want to help?"

"Yeah! They still look for those two boys they kept for awhile. Never did hear anything for sure. I used to think it was the sex they missed, but since they never touched me, and I'm almost irresistible, well, I figure they were just trying to help them. No fun for me, though. I wanted them to want me. When I realized they weren't going to want me, I split."

I looked again to see if I could see Bart or Hank, but their heads were lost in a sea of heads bobbing up and down on the sidewalk. I looked at the card and placed it in the front of my underwear for safe keeping. Other guys stopped to talk to Jake. Mostly older. A few kids. Donnie. Gene. We walked back up toward Golden Gate. I was scared for Ty. I needed to see him. I grew angry with him. How could he just go off on me and not even say anything. That was bogus. I worked myself into enough anger I didn't want to look any more. I didn't think it was because I was mad. I think I was afraid of what I might learn if I kept looking. I just had a feeling come over me. Let it go. Ty belongs to the streets, and there was nothing I could do about it. He had no obligation to me save the fact that I was dependent on him for survival.

I let Jake lead me back to the room. It was late, but the room was empty. He turned off all the lights and took off his uniform. I could see him because the bathroom door was open and the light always shone into the clouded window just enough to illuminate the bodies in the room. He stared at me while he undressed. I watched him pull off his underwear before sitting on the bed.

"You going to undress?"

"Yes."

"Want me to help you?"

"No! I'm tired."

"That mean I wasted my money on these rubbers?" "Yes!"

"Want me to sleep in the other bed?"

"No! I mean I don't like sleeping alone. You can sleep with me."

"Let me get this straight. I can sleep with you but you won't poke me?"

"I don't want to do that."

"You wanted to this morning awful bad. That's why I bought the condoms."

"I didn't want to. I mean I did want to, but I didn't. You know what I mean."

"Sure I do. Right. You're as crazy as the rest of us. Sleep. No touch. Right. I got it."

"I'm scared of being alone."

"Do you want me to hold you."

"Yes."

"I don't understand you. You want me to hold you but we can't have sex?"

"You don't have to sleep with me. I'll be okay."

"No! I didn't say I wouldn't sleep with you. I said it doesn't make sense. When I touch someone I want to have sex. You want me to touch you and not have sex. Why touch?"

"I need someone to hold me. I don't need to be having sex all the time with them."

"All the time. You jacked me off a couple of times. That isn't having sex? I blew you. That's having sex. I'll just blow you again. You don't have to do anything. You've already let me do that. You don't need to touch me. I'll take care of it."

"I want you to hold me for awhile. That's all. If you can't handle it, I understand."

"Shut up and take your clothes off before you confuse me more. Hold you. No sex. I got it. I don't fucking understand it, but I got it."

"I need to have some control over what I'm doing. I don't want to be doing it every time my dick gets hard. I don't want to be like that."

"Sounds like the right way to be to me. You get a hardon because you want to fuck. Good way to know when you want to fuck. Why get one if you aren't going to use it. Fucked up. I don't know about you. I just don't see the point. Hold. No sex. Right. Got it. Feel like I'm back in the fucking army."

I slid under the sheet as Jake stood and looked down at me. His legs pressed against the bed, but he just stood there. "I like you, Billie Joe. I wouldn't do it if I didn't like you. I'd just go out and get picked up off the block. I mean if I didn't want to be here with you I could go off with anyone I wanted, all dressed up in my soldier suit. Don't forget that. I could have gone off with someone. Like Ty did. I didn't because I like you. I don't want to be with no one else."

"I know, Jake. Hold me 'cause you like me."

Jake slid in beside me. He took a few minutes before he pressed his body up against mine and wrapped his arms around me. I felt like I needed to cry. Even in his arms I was scared. Scared for Ty, and scared for myself. He kissed the back of my neck and pressed himself against me. I felt him trying to keep his stiffness off my ass, but he slowly came to rest with a soft moan. I held his hands and took the heat from his body to make me complete. I tried not to cry, but I did. I was quiet and didn't let him know about the terror that once again rose up and threatened to overwhelm me. The terror over Ty's departure. I didn't have anyone to protect me but the incestuous brother of a sex crazed kid.

It took five minutes for him to discover me in my lie. When he touched me, I knew it was already too late. When I rolled onto my back he kissed me. His lips were thin and his tongue perfect for my mouth. He made sure I couldn't resist before sitting on top of me. The condom was already exposed on the night stand and on me in another few seconds. Even after he put it on he put me in his mouth while rolling it all the way down.

"You're thick. Ass buster. Thicker than John. Nice." It was nice. It immediately took away all the fear and terror. My hands rested on his thighs and I rubbed up until I felt him swelling in my fingers. I remembered how slow it was he liked it, and I used that knowledge to excite him . Feeling when he was starting to peak, I stopped and refused to take him further. He protested and cried that I didn't care about him, and he let me invade his warmth and penetrate deep inside of him. I waited until he started to lose his stiffness, and then started that slow motion, watching his body stiffen again. The light from the bathroom showed me his nipples and the curly hairs that ran down from his belly button. I stroked him and held his round balls, and once more slowed to a stop when all his muscles seemed ready to explode. More crying and complaining and telling me I didn't care, but he never stopped pleasing me. He never stopped the invasion even for a second.

After reaching half a dozen teasing peaks and dropping him back to reality, I continued the strokes after all his muscles tensed and he seemed like a coiled spring. I slowed them, but continued as he growled and sobbed and moaned, writhing against my hand. His body leaned forward and he emptied his load on my chest and stomach, not spurting, just flowing, again and again. He didn't move except for the shudders and shakes from the act itself. His hole dug into my manhood. His body trembled until the last drops oozed out of him. I loved the feel of all the gristle in my hand. I felt his stomach and chest. I rubbed his arms. My own lust was rising while he still tried to regain some control of his body. Mine was already shaking.

I forced him up and off me, I pulled the condom free. I stroked myself, feeling the liquid rising up into my shaft. I hit my chin and then between my nipples. I shot more up on my stomach and then pumped myself as I let out the rest, more than he had released, and thinner.

"Damn. You make a fucking mess, Billie Joe."

"'Cause I'm a stud. Remember?"

"I don't need to remember. You were just up inside me. You remember? I know what you are."

Jake's legs remained pressing against my thighs as he rested back watching me recover. I held out my hands for him to lie on top of me.

"What do you want. We need to clean up."

"I want your body against me and all this love juice. I want it all over us. That's what I want."

Jake seemed confused, but he lowered his body until he was aligned precisely on top of me. We rubbed our bodies together, and used our sweat and the cum to lubricate the movement. I loved the feel of it as much as anything else. I loved it that we were holding each other after we finished. Jake slid himself up and down on my stomach, slow but pressing hard, and then harder, and then he added more liquid to the mess after a series of very long sliding strokes. We laughed and giggled and he confessed he'd never done anything like it before, but it took one to know one, and it took one to teach one sometimes. I was tickled that I'd taught him something he hadn't known.

I looked up when the door opened. I wanted it to be Ty and felt guilty for being in the arms of Jake. I couldn't help it. I couldn't be alone. He left me. I had to get by the best I could.

It was Harvey and Bryce. They ended up in the other bed. I could see Bryce on top of Harvey. They hardly made a sound, but I could smell the sex. I didn't know if it was ours or theirs. We used a towel we'd put on the night stand to wipe ourselves off so we wouldn't soil the bed any more. The kisses were long and easy, and they sent me to a deep, dark place where I felt secure and loved.

I woke when Tim and Tony came in. They stole a pillow and the blanket from the other bed and settled at the foot of our bed. Gene and Don came in next. Don climbed into our bed and wrapped himself around Jake. Gene pushed his back against me as he tried to make enough room to fit us in four across. Luckily we were all half-pints. Jake was the bulkiest and must have weighed in at 125 or 130. Gene pressed his crack up against me until I rested in his warmth. I let him put my hand on what seemed to be his always-erect manhood. The thickness excited me as he held my arm with both of his hands while wiggling his ass against me, trying to create some interest.

I let myself feel the comfort of the twin bodies warming my cold fear and easing the always-present terror from my brain. It distracted me until I could no longer remember why I was so afraid all the time. Why, since Ty left me, had I felt lost in a world that drew me into it with sex and excitement while at the same time repulsing me? I wondered if it was already too late for me. I wanted to have passionate sex with Jake and Gene and Tim and Tony. I wanted to do everything with them, and yet I could do nothing. I wanted them, but I couldn't tell them I wanted them, and I feared them, knowing what it was I felt inside. Jake now knew what was inside me. They all knew what I was, and yet I still needed to hide from them. I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I wanted them all, but didn't want them to know, and yet I was sure they did know. I was mad.

The longer Gene moved the more excited I became. I could hear Don and Jake working beside me. I let my hand stroke Gene, and he grew very still as soon as I moved my hand on him the first time. It was what he was trying to get from me, a response. I pressed myself up the warm crack and stroked him until my mind was in an absolute fog. I wasn't capable of fighting off my lust, so I positioned myself to get the maximum pleasure from Gene. As I slid past the resistance and felt him throbbing in my hand, the door vibrated with an incredible thumping that echoed the whole room awake. The banging stopped for only a second and started again. Almost a dozen bodies shot up from sleep or sex.

"Police. Open up." I was sitting straight up in the bed. Harvey dove for the door to block it. Tim and Tony stood with pillow and blanket in front of their nakedness. I heard a noise in the bathroom and Gene had broken the glass as he was pulling himself up through the window with his pants in his hand. I leaped over Don and Jake, grabbing my pants and followed Gene. I placed my foot in the glass before leaping up and pulling myself out onto the roof. My foot burned and stung as I fought something that was grabbing at me.

"Two out on the roof," a voice yelled.

"I don't fit," he confessed.

I caught Gene as he danced on the cinders on the far side of the roof trying to put his pants on. I noticed the lights glaring down on us from the higher buildings. I looked at the window as I put my own pants on. There was no one following. Gene took me over the next roof and down a fire escape into a dark, dead-end street. He seemed to know where he was going. I had to follow. There was nowhere else for me to go. I couldn't leave him. He was all that was left.

I realized I'd lost everything as I walked. It was misting rain. I shivered. My foot hurt. My bag was back in the motel room. I followed Gene as he blended into the shadows that led us deeper into the darkness.

The terror was back and now there was no one to protect me or my skinny lover.

Chapter 16

Naked Truth

I became acquainted with a different side of San Francisco. As my feet met the wet, damp concrete, cold shivers ran through me. I was sure I shivered because of my lack of apparel, but chilling fear also accompanied me through the empty streets. Each time a car passed we pressed ourselves into a doorway. We didn't speak and Gene moved like a tall, wily cat. The further we went, the more lost I became.

When my feet became too sore to walk further, I asked him to stop. "Gene, I've got to rest my feet. And, I'm cold." "I'm cold too, but I don't want to go downtown. I'll have to fight my way out of some hole if they take me too. Ain't happening while I can still run"

Gene came back and stood over me with his hands on his hips and looking mean.

"I'm tired too. I'm cold too, but we sit around here moaning about it, we're dead meat. I ain't going back to juvy."

"My foot hurts. I've got to rest it."

Gene kneeled down on the street next to the curb where I had parked myself. He yanked my foot up, rested it on his leg and used his thumbs to spread my toes.

"Fuck!! Cut that out!" I yelled. "That hurts!"

"No doubt. I'll take you to Jesus. He's down by the warehouses a few blocks. You'll be all right. He was an Army medic. He can always fix up a small wound. Come on. Get your ass up. We can't sit around here I tell yuh!" Gene sat down and put his arm around my shoulder when I didn't get up. He leaned his face against my arm and we looked at my filthy feet hanging in the gutter. He stood after a few sympathetic moments and extended his hand. He helped me until I found a way to walk that protected the wound. I followed him and tried to keep my mind off our problems. I wondered where Ty was. I thought about Jake. I knew they would all be in a world of trouble. Jake was in his uniform, and they'd have no difficulty sorting out who he was. I worried about him going to jail. We turned a corner and there was a long row of tattered and broken warehouse doors.

"Come on. Jesus' place is just in back of here."

At the corner of the warehouse was a fence without fencing and a thicket of brush and shrubs. Gene moved through an opening I couldn't see, and there was a big Amana box that had once contained a refrigerator. "Jesus. Jesus! It's me, Gene," he called, not too loud. "What you want man? It's sleep time."

A man in a heavy, green coat, with wool gloves, a cloth hat and a scarf wrapped around his neck climbed from the box. Gene introduced us.

"Jesus, Billie Joe. He hurt his foot. It might need stitches. I thought you could fix it."

The lantern hissed and bright light blinded me. The man didn't say anything but looked closely at my foot after pouring alcohol all over his stubby fingers. He had a bag with all kinds of medical stuff. He poured alcohol over my toes, and then wrapped my big toe to my second toe with adhesive tape. He made a gauze bandage and covered the cut, wrapping tape all the way around my foot.

"This isn't too good, but I guess you aren't looking for no questions. Jesus asks none. Could use three stitches. Tetanus? No matter. You kids never listen to me. Stay off it for a couple of days. It should start to heal on its own we keep it clean and the bandage fresh."

"Jesus, you told me you'd help me if I needed it. We need it bad. Ran out on the cops. They probably are looking for us. As you see we didn't have time to pack."

"Gene, I help you. I can't help all kids. I got my house. I got Jesus. That's it. You boys get in. I make room, but Gene, you don't bring me no more boys here. You'll have me lose my house again. I no want to lose it."

"This is a good one. What happened to the one I helped you bring up."

"Cops come. They run me off. Took everything but what I could sneak away with. Sneaky bastards came just before dawn. That's dirty pool. No respect for a man's sleeping."

"Where'd this place come from?"

"I know stuff. I can't give away all my secrets."

"I'm not looking to score one. I just wondered. This is the best one yet."

"Buddy. Vet I new from Nam. He works at appliance store now. He fixes me up. I go and tell him when I'm needing me a new house. That night I have a brand new corrugated box that was sitting out by the trash. Damn nice. Plastic coated or something. Even the rain don't bother it." He looked us over critically. "Come on boys. You get to bed. I need me my sleep."

Gene indicated I should crawl up in the box with him. I felt like it was out of some dream. I could hear the guy putting stuff away and then the light went out.

I could smell him when he crawled in. I stayed up next to Gene. Luckily there was plenty of room. Gene did what I needed more than anything. He put his arms around me. There was some loose paper he put up around us but we managed to press together for the warmth the other's body gave us. It gave me warmth and something else that always seemed to rise when I touched another guy this way. I laid my fingers so I could feel him. I guess I was pretty tired. I fell right to sleep after we found the proper cuddle.

The sun was trying to shine when I woke up, although it was still overcast. I was cold, but I could feel Gene up next to me. That warmed me some. I wondered where our host had gotten off to. I tried to turn over but rattled all the loose paper inside the box.

"Shit," Gene said.

"Where's that guy?," I asked.

"Jesus? He's out collecting. He goes at sun up." "What's he collect?"

"Whatever he needs."

"He steal shit?"

"No! Not Jesus. He gets things out of the trash. Dumpsters and shit. People throw stuff out he can use or sell or trade to someone for something he needs. He gets food. He's been at it years. Longer than you and me've been alive. Man's an artist. You wait. You won't believe it."

"Why does he live that way?"

"I don't know. Why do we live the way we live? It's the way things are. You just do what you got to do, man. Why do you question everything?"

"He was in the Vietnam War?"

"He says. Says it was bad shit, too. He started drugs over there. He said they all did it. It was the only way not to go crazy, only he said it didn't work so good for him. He went crazy anyway. He won't be around people. He doesn't trust anyone. Maybe me on good days."

"Why doesn't he go get some help. He was in the war and all. They got to help him. They owe him"

"He says they tell him he's just a drunk. They can't help him."

"He drinks?"

"Shit! Lucky we caught him sober. If he's drunk, he's no good."

"What do you do for him makes him help you?" "Fuck you. It doesn't come to that. He thinks I'm his kid. I guess he adopted me. I come by, I crawl up in his box. He gives me food and lets me stay with him. He talks about dead guys. He talks about that war. I ain't never going to no war. Fuck that shit! Then he starts drinking and I split." "What do you do here?"

"Talk to him. You get him going he can tell you some shit."

"Like what?"

"About the war. Mexico. Where he came from. His brothers and sisters. He knows stuff. He worked as a medic in the war. He's pretty good at doctoring. That foot looked nasty. He fixed it right up. Pretty handy guy."

"I never slept in a box before."

"Get used to it. You aren't with mommy and daddy any more, and what do you have against me any way?" "What are you talking about?"

"You're stuck up. First with Ty, and then with Jake. You ignored me. I wanted to be your friend from the start and you wouldn't even look at me."

"I saw all I needed to see. You don't know what I look at. You might be surprised."

"It's because I went with Sharon that first night, ain't it? You don't like me because I do it with women. It's just because of the guys. They all think I'm superstud. They get me going. I need that. I don't like her. I don't even touch her."

"I didn't say I didn't like you. You said it."

"You act like you don't. I had to about force myself onto you last night. You acted like you didn't want nothing to do with me. Most guys jump to get some of me, and you act like your shit don't stink. It does, and there ain't no perfume for that."

"I'm sorry. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me. Maybe I'll keep helping you if you do." "Don't leave me alone, Gene. You're all I got now. I lost everything. I had my money in my shoes. If I'd taken time to grab them, I'd not have got out that window. The cops were right on my ankles when I hit the roof. I don't know anyone. I'm afraid to be alone."

"I understand that. We're all scared, Billie. It's the way it is. You act special, and you don't look so special any more. You got bags under your eyes. Your face is dirty, and you're damn near as skinny as me, only no one is that skinny."

"I do like you."

"You didn't act like it. You ignored me. You're saying that to keep me helping you. I ain't no fool."

"I wanted you. I wanted to be with you. That's not saying a lot. I wanted to be with Tim and Tony, too. Whenever I see guys doing sex, I get all worked up. It's like I have no control over myself. I was too scared to act any different than I did. Ty protected me. I wanted him to protect me. Jake replaced Ty, and protected me, too. I have a hard time thinking you can replace Jake. I'm scared of everything."

"Fuck you. You're a free man aren't you. If I hadn't led the way, you'd be in the lockup. On your way back to Bumfuck, where ever your ass come from. I may not be a toe to toe fighter, but the man never gets me. I can climb up the side of a building and slide through a crack. You stick with me and we might not be able to beat our way out of trouble, but I'll show you how to slip your way out of trouble. Never hit anything head on, always outflank the problem. Go around. Don't ever go straight forward. You got your needs. I got mine. You want to play with me, you're going to pay."

"How old are you?"

"Fourteen and five months."

"Why are you out here?"

"Nowhere else to go."

"You got it?"

"Nope. I was just tested. Still clean. Had a little touch of something else. They cleared it up with a couple of shots. I usually let people do for me. Everyone loves taking me on with their mouth, so I go along with that. I do slip up at times, but I try to play safe. I don't want that shit. I think Jake and Tim and Tony are all clean. Sharon was, but she's been real active lately. I shouldn't have done that with her the other night, but everyone wants to see me in action. The guys all cheer me on. I like that. Only thing I ever done worth anything. I ain't too bright, and I'm not much to look at, but I'm hell when you get me in bed."

"I almost found out."

"Yeah! Come to think of it. We were rudely interrupted. Want a rematch before Jesus comes back? We got time."

Gene placed my hand on him. His bulge couldn't be missed. The pants took on a new dimension when I rubbed him. I got dizzy and faint almost immediately.

The strident and commanding voice startled me. "You boys roll out a there. Time to house clean," Jesus said. I slid out on my butt and Jesus threw a shirt over my head. "That's my best one. Thick. Warm. Keep you dry. These are my Sunday shoes. I never know when it is Sunday any more. They'll be too big, but we got paper to fix it. Socks are a bit worn out, but better holes than dirt, huh! I tried to find a second pair to fill the shoes."

"I can't take your clothes, Jesus."

"Jesus takes care of his boys. You need it . . . Jesus got it . . . you got it."

"Where'd you dig this stuff up, Jesus?" Gene said. "Have my place to keep things. Figured it was time to get rid of some stuff. Here. This is a shirt I wore in Mexico. Too small for me. I kept it to remember, but I don't care now. It look good on you, Gene. Tennis shoes, picked up on rounds. Think they big enough. They get bigger we be sticking two together to get your feet in. No socks for you feet. I'll find some. Stuff from the bakery. Sweet rolls. Pastry. Here's donuts. Don't toss many away. Some old milk from behind the market. It's not sour, but I don't drink after today. Eat up. Jesus got rounds. Anything my boys need?"

"Condoms?" Gene said, grinning.

"In Jesus' box, Gene. You boys shouldn't be doing no shit. You know about that AIDS shit. Condoms aren't foolproof. Keep it zipped. That's what I tell you. This boy is too nice for you, Gene. You leave him alone. Jesus doesn't even do it any more. I don't want to die a that shit. No, sir. You be best to leave this boy alone."

Jesus pushed a shopping cart away from the thicket, mumbling to it. It was loaded with bottles, cans, and what looked like trash. I put the shirt on and was grateful for the silk lining inside. It was everything Jesus said it was. Gene put on the red and blue shirt with the festive decorations. It did fit him pretty good in the arms, but the body sagged on him. It was a handsome shirt and looked freshly cleaned. His big toes stuck out the sides of the tennis shoes. I couldn't get the leather shoe on my bad foot. It was tan with the very top panel over the toes being white. They looked worn, but well kept. They still showed their last shine. The size was nine and I wore an eight and a half, so I knew they'd fit okay. I wondered why Jesus gave me his good things. It made me sad to think he lived in a box and pushed a cart and he gave us his best stuff. I didn't understand that. Once again I wanted to cry about it, but I put the shoes aside until I could walk. I kept the shirt on so I'd stop shivering.

"Want to, ah, use one of those condoms, Billie?" Gene asked.

"Gene, thanks for the help. You're right. I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for you. Even with wanting to do something with you, right now I can't. I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought I had some time. A few days. A week. My time's run out. I can't do what you guys do. I don't know why I can't. I just can't. We got all day. We can eat and then think about other stuff. I want to do it when we both want to do it."

"I thought I couldn't. It wasn't like I wasn't already doing it with everyone in my neighborhood, but I didn't think you took money for it. Too much fucking fun to get money for it. Then, I got hungry, needy, they're always there with their wallets. Comes a time when you need what they got bad enough to give them what they want. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day. They know you'll be needing it sooner or later. If not you, someone. May as well do it and have some fun as to just do it for business. That's how I feel. Too much fun to make a business out of. You'll like me. I'll be good for you."

"I just don't feel like it right now. We've got plenty of time. You hold onto the condom and we'll get around to it. I know I want to. I just don't want to right now. I'm hungry. Let's eat."

"That's cool. I can wait. I'm not in no hurry. I'll be here when you want to."

Gene did stay. Jesus came back with lunch meat and bread for lunch. There was a radio he got batteries to run. We kept it down and stayed around the "house". My foot throbbed and Jesus advised I stay off of it for a few days. He worked carefully to change the bandage several times. He always poured alcohol all over my foot. It was curious how clean he was with the wound, and yet he smelled and was in obvious need of a shower or deodorant or something. By the third day I was able to put my foot in the shoe. Jesus helped me to walk around in the parking lot. He thought it was healing fine, but I shouldn't walk much for a few more days.

Gene and I went through half the condoms Jesus kept in his medical box. He said they were free and he could get all he wanted. I kept expecting Jesus to want to do something with Gene, but he never did. He never slept on our side of the box. We waited for him to go out on his morning rounds to supply us with food, one morning a belt, a pair of socks for Gene, and other odds and ends. We took to "having fun" as Gene called it, and I was mostly glad for someone to hold onto, but I found myself enjoying it more and more. Gene never wore out, and was always ready to go another round. There really wasn't much to do but sleep and eat and "have fun." When we stopped doing it I held him while we talked. He loved to be admired. We had to touch one another almost all the time when Jesus was absent.

I don't know what day it was when we walked back into The Castro. None of the kids were on the street. Gene had gone up once and learned Jake had been arrested. He was AWOL from the army after being caught with another guy one night. They charged him with all kinds of shit. He was looking at ten years in some prison in Kansas. That's why he came back to the streets, to get lost in a place he knew well. Someone had turned him in. The other kids were all lost inside the system someplace. No one knew anything about anyone. Ty had not reappeared. They were looking for a kid named Billie Joe. Gene brought me a flyer with my picture before I went naked onto the streets.

We walked around most of the day. It was nice to get out of the box-house, but I too was starting to smell myself. I looked into the shops and could see the dirt on my face. I hardly recognized myself. My eyes had sunk into my head . There were lines on my face where there had been none. We didn't talk to anyone, but stood outside the diner where some people talked to us as they passed. It was well after dark when we went back to the box.

"Who the fuck's out there," Jesus screamed.

"It's me, Jesus. Gene."

"Get the fuck outta here. I can't take care a you no more. Go away. Leave me alone can't you."

He stood up and his eyes were wild. His arms flailed in the air as he yelled at no one and fought with the night. "Come on. Can't be around him he gets like this. Come on. He's gone. Jesus isn't home tonight."

Gene dragged me down into the lot as I looked over my shoulder seeing the gentle Jesus screaming like some wolf barking at the moon. His arms were raised over his head as though he were trying to become so large no man would come near him, and yet I didn't think it was a man that Jesus feared. I felt his shirt around me and wondered why things were the way they were. I fought my tears as Jesus fought the night. I recognized his terror and wondered if I would stand screaming in the dark some day.

We huddled in a doorway along the route we had taken that first night. The streets a block away were still alive with people and cars. We held each other and kissed as I cried for Jesus and Gene and me. I wanted Gene. I felt alive and excited by him. I kissed him hard and tried to swallow his great, massive tongue. We whimpered and moaned while the city carried on around us.

"How long before we can go back?"

"Can't."

"Why?"

"He gets like this. You can't be around him. He goes wild. Hit me once. I learned not to be around him when he goes off. It isn't Jesus. I don't know who that is. It isn't him. Don't be mad at him."

"Goes off how?"

"Drinking. Goes off the wagon. He tries. I think it helps him having me around. Then he can't take any more. He's okay, and then he's like that. Days. Weeks. I just stay away until I end up there one night with nowhere to go. He's usually okay for awhile. Glad I'm there, and then he gets like this."

"Sad. Why doesn't he get help. He's a nice guy. He seems so nice."

"No help for him. He's tried to get help. The Vet Hospital just looks him over and sends him on his way. There's nothing wrong with his body. His mind is busted up inside. He told me stories of that war. Things he saw. Things they did to people. Things he ain't never forgot. He saw his friends in pieces. He tried to keep the pieces together, but he couldn't. He couldn't keep them together, and for some reason that made him go to pieces too. Whatever it was, he ain't never getting over it. Don't take no shrink to see that."

"That's sad. Someone could help him."

"No one cares, Billie. You haven't figured it out yet. We are nobody. We'll never be anybody. Society don't care for nobody. You got to earn the right to be cared about. Jesus thought he did earn it. He went and fought their fucked up war and they should help him, but he's nobody again. That's all. He's nothing to the people who could help him. Not unless there's another war they can use him in." Gene's arm was around my shoulders as the tears ran. I always wanted to cry these days. My insides were all upside down. I was hungry and cold again. I knew the terror waited just out of sight. I held Gene and kissed him as he pulled me up on top of him.

"Want to do it?"

"What?"

"What we been doing all week. Do it."

"Where?"

"Right here in this doorway. It'd be fun doing it in the street."

"You're nuts."

"Of course we are, that's why I want to do it here. Let's do it. I want to cum. I need to cum."

He rubbed my hand on him as it peeked above his pants.

"No, Gene. No! That's stupid. We would get locked up for sure."

"Just checking. I figured I could talk you into anything after the way you've been loving me the past few days. And I thought you didn't like me. I guess I still need to work on you though. One day I'll say let's do it in the street, and you'll grab the condom out of my pocket."

We held each other when we stood up. We kissed. I liked his lips. They were the biggest thing on him except his . . . you know. I wanted to keep kissing him, but we decided we needed to find a place to stay for the night. We held hands and walked up toward the main drag, me in my shiny brown shoes with the white tops, and him in his tennis shoes with his big toes sticking out the sides. We must have been a sight. I could smell myself and him, and I loved it. I was still alive.

We scooted up behind the dumpster near the bakery, hoping we'd hear them throw out the day old stuff. There was cardboard and paper to keep us warm. It was windy, but it wasn't bad up close to the building. We did hear the lid slam and waited until the door closed. Jackpot! We collected what we could carry and went and found some old milk by the market. We ate and drank until we were ready to pop. We took some of our goodies to the box in the thicket and left it near the opening before sneaking away.

Gene had seen a car that looked abandoned and we went there. We checked it out and climbed into the back seat. It was dark and scary. I didn't sleep much. Gene snored and we held onto each other until dawn. I woke him up at first light and told him the cops would surely come and check it out. We moved on.

It was close to the weekend again when Gene told me his plan. "I've played it your way, and we're making it, almost. I can earn twenty dollars in half an hour. If I stay out for the evening, I can get us enough for a room and some real food. We can't keep dodging around. You look like shit. I feel like shit. I got to go to work. I know you don't like it, but I got to. It's got nothing to do with my liking you or not liking you. It's business out here."

"I know." I looked into his eyes.

"I thought you would sooner."

"I wanted to be with you. I figured you'd leave me if I did it. There ain't no choice now."

"No. I won't leave you, Gene. I depend on you. I need you. I love you."

"Me too, but I need to eat and to get one night's sleep where I ain't got one eye open. I got to do it tonight. You don't have to come. I'll meet you where you say."

"No. Don't leave me."

“If you go, if you get in the car, if they make you do it, I can't stop them. You don't want to do that, and I don't want you to. I'll meet you and we'll have money, but I don't want you to go with me. I don't want you to see them with me. You'll start hating me again like after you saw me with Sharon."

"You can't leave me. Please! I won't hate you. I love you. I couldn't ever hate you."

Gene held me and we both cried. I knew what he had to do, and as much as I disliked the idea, I thought that maybe I had to learn to do the same thing. I felt empty now, and, really, what did it matter? It was a way to survive. Everyone I had met and learned to care for was doing it. Why was I so special that I couldn't do it? It just took some getting used to. But the idea of it scared me.

We went up near the diner. The heads bobbed up and down. It had to be the weekend. I stopped at a news rack and saw it was Friday. No one stopped to look at me or to talk to me any longer. My first night out there, I turned half the heads on the block. I looked into the window and my face looked more narrow and my eyes stared an empty stare as I studied my face trying to see who it was inside that baggy shirt amongst the dirt and grime I collected along with the pastry and the milk each morning. I had become one of them in just a few weeks. No matter how hard I held onto things, I ended up with nothing. A hot meal. A bed. I could do it for that. I could do it tonight. I wasn't anything special to anyone.

Gene came and pulled me out of the window.

"What's wrong with you? You look like you saw a ghost or something. Smile. No one will get near us you keep that expression on your face. Smile at the cars. Someone will pick us up in a few minutes. Some old guys likes it dirty."

The man was fat. He wore a gold necklace thicker than my bracelet. I touched it where I kept it up near my elbow. I could pawn it, I thought for an instant. I let go of it and forgot it. Gene waved me to the car after opening the negotiation.

"Both of you. Thirty."

"No. Me. Twenty. He goes. He's my cousin from out of town. He doesn't do that. Can't leave him"

"Your cousin ever bathe? You don't look like cousins. What's he? Seventeen, eighteen?"

"Yeah. Don't worry about him. I got more than you can handle, pop. You see what I got, you won't care what he's got."

Gene leaned the front of his pants into the window. I saw the mans face rivet where Gene held his hands after unzipping his pants. The door opened, bumping Gene's legs. He motioned with his head for me to get in the car. "Come on kid . No shit. I don't put up with no shit." Gene sat in the front seat and held it up so I could slide in the back. We drove up a block and turned toward Golden Gate Park. The man's hand stayed in Gene's lap. Gene leaned back against the seat and stared up at the ceiling. I heard his breathing change some. Gene's hand closed on the seat. The man alternated between looking at the street and looking at Gene's crotch. Gene seemed to be working to make sure the man was hooked.

"Damn. You weren't lying to me. You come home with me. Use it on me the right way, I'll give you forty and a warm bed and a shower."

"I can't leave my cousin."

"He looks innocent enough. He can come too. We'll all fit in my bed. King size."

"No!" I said. "I don't sleep with no one but Gene." "He's scared. He's never done anything. I can't leave him alone for long. We can do what you like, but I got to be with my cousin tonight."

"We can do it and you can sleep in the guest room with him. I'll still give you forty and breakfast."

"It's the best deal we're going to get, Billie. We've got to go with him."

"Okay. Guest room. Gene sleeps with me."

"He in love with you, Gene? Doesn't sound like a cousin."

"We stick together. We watch each other's back. Of course we love each other. We're cousins."

"I can understand that. Young boys need to look out for each other. Once we finish up, it's okay. You can sleep together. I don't take a long time. Just don't get a sweet thing like you that often. Where have you been? Damn nice meat you got there. Damn big!"

Gene and I showered together. I was surprised the guy left us alone. If he was filming us the steam sure ruined his view. We dried each other off and I hugged Gene and didn't want to let go of him. He put on a robe the guy gave him, and I put my clothes back on. He showed me a room across the hall from where they went. He told me to stay in there until he and Gene were done. He left the door open on his room, but I closed the one on the room I was in. I sat in a chair beside the bed until they were done. It was most of an hour and seemed like forever. I grabbed Gene when he came in and held on for dear life. I didn't want to let go. He kissed me all over my face and took me out of my clothes dropping his robe to present me with his testimony of love for me.

"We can go, but I sure could use a night in that bed. He's harmless. He's nice compared to most. He wants to meet me again tomorrow or Sunday. If we stay we get breakfast. Let's stay."

"I don't care Gene. Just don't leave me. That's all." "I'm not leaving you. Stop worrying. Why do you keep worrying?"

"Everyone leaves me. You'll leave me. I know it." Sleep came quick and easy. I woke up in his arms with his lips on mine. His tongue filled my mouth and drove me to a place that gave me the most gentle peace. His kisses showered my body and he took me there in no more than a minute. With his lips still wet with my love for him he once more kissed me long and deep, making me dizzy and crazy for his touch. I held on to him for dear life and returned the favor as his body yielded up his innermost secrets, leaving the evidence on my hand and on my body as we once more slipped away from the reality of who and what we were.

Chapter 17

Nothing Left to Give

There was a knock on the door. I sat straight up, forcing Gene off my chest.

"What?" I said, for lack of anything else.

"I would like to prepare breakfast for you boys."

"Ah, come in. I mean it's your house."

The door opened and he stood there in white shorts and a white T-shirt. He filled them both completely. There were white socks and white sandals on his feet. He smiled pleasantly as he saw Gene's naked body face down on the bed.

"You have a mighty nice friend there. Don't let him get away from you."

"I won't," I said, putting my hand on Gene's back.

"I know you probably want to sleep all day, but mother's got to shop and do some chores. I can fix breakfast before dropping you boys. Eggs, French toast, bacon, and sausage. It will be ready in maybe half an hour. You have time for another shower, a nap, or whatever it is two young boys do to each other. There should be just enough time for that. Then I'll drop you back in the Castro."

"Fine. We'll be out in a few minutes."

"Very nice. Enjoy!"

He closed the door easily. I rolled my body onto Gene's back and kissed his neck and studied his warmth. His face turned in a superhuman effort as his eyes refused to open. His lips were ruby red and thick as he puckered them for some expectant result. I used my lips on him and rubbed myself on his body. His eyes opened in squinting protest of the new day.

"Fuck!" he said, too loud.

"We only have thirty minutes. Twenty seven now." "Fuck you! That's not what I meant."

"First time. I thought that's all you thought about." "You're fault. Not mine."

"Right. You're dreaming. You forget I saw you that first night."

"You can't fool me. You're the only person I know wants it more than me. I figured you out. You always point the finger at me, but who’s the one always sticking out for attention."

"Secret's out, huh? I'm a fucking pervert. Caught at it by an expert pervert. I don’t know what day it is any more. My birthday is soon. I’m not even certain how old I am anymore."

"It is. Doesn’t matter how old you are, we'll have a party. Can’t pass up a chance to party. Some of the gang will have busted loose by then. We'll all take a crack at you for your birthday. Even Tim and Tony would do it for a birthday. They're worth it. Damn great bodies on them two. I keep waiting for them to want it. They don't even know I'm alive. Tony does touch me, though. He's got that little boy meat on him. He loves the feel of a man in his fingers. He acts like it's no big deal, but I seen his eyes and what it does to him when he feels me up."

"I watched them doing it one night. I wanted to do it with them. They are hot! So fucking clean. They're like the quarterback and the tight end on the high school football team."

"You been to high school. You are old. They usually just touch and hug like they can’t keep their hands off each other when I’m around. What did they do?"

"Everything. The last night I was with Ty. They really seemed like they loved each other to me. They were in the other bed and didn’t know I was awake. It was beautiful seeing them together. Not much beautiful out there these days."

"I always thought they were too chummy for straight guys. They try to be around Sharon all the time, but Tony loves to touch me. I figured him for gay, but he hardly does anything with anyone unless Sharon's in on it. Then he's touching and feeling up everyone she does it with. He's got to be gay. Puts on a show for Timmy. That's all."

We took a quick shower and fought off the urge. He dried my hair and I dried his. I looked at us together in the mirror, and I thought we looked good together. I noticed all his freckles for the first time. His hair had a red tint that reminded me of his manhood that was always a glowing red excitement I wasn't capable of ignoring. I dried him there and admired the low hanging equipment as he stared at my hands working on him. I kissed the tip and he moaned, wanting more. I used my tongue until I forced him to grab the toilet for support. I dropped it, and hugged him so it stood up between us and pressed into my stomach. He kissed me, and I told him it was time to eat and stroked him to keep him close to me. He gave me a clever little smile. I knew what he was thinking. I was thinking the same thing, but we could smell breakfast by this time. It was a tough choice. We got dressed.

Jonathan served us as though he enjoyed the company. He treated us nice. He did stare long and hard at Gene. He never touched him again, and he never got close to him. He just seemed to enjoy looking at his boyish face. I could appreciate that. I liked looking at him too. We held hands in the car, and Jonathan said under his breath,

"Cousins. Right! Cousins in love."

"Thanks for everything, Jonathan. I'll be here this afternoon and tonight. I'll be here early tomorrow. You want another date, it would be okay."

"Maybe tonight or in the morning. I've got some things. Only one of you this time, Gene. I let you take your lover last night. He needed the shower and you both needed to eat. Only you from now on. I could take you regular. Not with your friend. Sorry!"

"Okay. See ya."

The white Buick pulled away, and Gene was all smiles. We walked up to Golden Gate Park and got some ice cream and candy. People once more looked at me from time to time. Nothing like the first day, but they noticed me. I felt like I'd been out there for months. I couldn't remember ever being anywhere else. When we stopped for a coffee a guy stared at me from behind the counter. He reached for something he seemed to be studying.

"Billie Joe," he said, looking directly at us.

I ignored him and immediately started talking to Gene. Gene looked at me strange and then saw the guy with the flyer in his hand trying to see even though I'd moved behind Gene.

"You're name Billie Joe?" the guy asked.

"Me, no," Gene said, looking over his shoulder. "I'm Gene. This is Tommy, my brother. What's your problem? Fucking fags. Let's get the fuck out of here, Tommy." Gene kept his body between me and the curious man. "Looks like this kid. All you kids look alike," the guy mumbled.

We slipped out the door and took off down the first street we came to, losing the coffee as we ran. My heart pounded and I was scared shitless. They were looking for me. They knew I was here. My bag. The letter from Carl. Shit! They'd contact him. They'd want to know what he knew. Fuck!!

"You okay?"

"No! What am I going to do?"

"Nothing," Gene said, calm.

He went to the curb and looked around. He rubbed his fingers on the ground. He came back and put the dirt he collected on my face.

"Nothing. We make you look like you did before we showered. No one even looked at us when we were grubby."

He rubbed dirt on my cheeks and under my eyes. His lips nibbled mine as he rubbed himself against me. I lost track of what I was so frightened about. I couldn't think straight when he did this to me. I kissed and was kissed and I couldn't remember anything. I didn't want to remember anything. We went to the hotel. We slid down the space between the buildings and the opening was back. The boards that once denied entrance were broken and splintered. I remembered my first night on the mean streets. I saw Ty and leatherboy inside my head. I shivered as we climbed the stairs. I smelled those same smells that made me dizzy and light headed. There were piles of papers and rags in a far corner on the orgy floor. We cuddled up together and waited.

"What do I do?"

"Stay cool. We'll find a place close to the roof. I'll show you how to get away. They're too fat to follow us. I'll show you the cracks and the route of escape. We can hear them when they are in the building. Once I slide out a crack, they're history. I'll show them to you. You'll have to lay low. I'll find out what's going on tonight."

"You're going to leave me?"

"Can't just stay here. We'll starve. You got to stay off the streets for awhile till we figure something out. Maybe we'll go to L.A. or San Diego."

"You want to stay with me?"

"Of course. We're a team. I want to be with you. I love you, Billie Joe."

I listened to the words but had trouble holding onto them. My brain didn't want to connect me to what I felt for Gene. I knew I loved him because he was all there was. I knew my love was selfish because without him I was dead. Without Gene, there were only the streets.

Sometimes, love is convenient.

He left me while I slept. It was dark and there were no candles when I woke. I could hear the sounds of the street a few blocks away. There were constant cars and horns . . . and my terror of being alone. I stayed close to the crack. I watched the stairs and held my knees to my chest. Time took a holiday. I wondered if I'd ever be with anyone again. I smoked grass that night for the first time. The candles flickered all through the upper floor by our paper bed. Gene brought a blanket and a big box of condoms. We ate K.F.C. and drank out of half-gallon jugs of Coke. We lay there together with our naked bodies rubbing. He sat on top of me and eased himself to three orgasms while I watched him keep working himself up again. I never got close and still loved him no less. My mind and body seemed in complete harmony, and I was proud I didn't do what I usually do and end the love making early. It just seemed I had everything under control as his body stayed impaled on my manhood, and we existed there apart from the rest of the universe. There was noise downstairs. I thought I heard Sharon's voice a floor below. No one came up the stairs and Gene and I slept most of the time after that. At some time during the night he stole the condom off me, and he worked on me until I gave him the long-withheld sign of my love. We fell back to sleep with his face buried in my crotch. He held my legs close to his chest and made me feel loved. I wasn't alone. I couldn't be alone.

We got up before dawn, but later than usual. We made our rounds and there was no sign of Jesus at the box. Gene left a note.

"Why did you write Jesus," I asked, giving the name its biblical pronunciation. "I thought his name was Heysoos."

"J is H in Spanish, and U is pronounced 'oo', not 'uh'. It's spelt like we spell Jesus, but it's pronounced Heysoos." "Weird."

"It's what he told me."

Gene always left donuts for him. He knew that was what Jesus liked.

We slipped back into the hotel before traffic had started. We left some pastry and milk beside where Tony and Tim slept. If Sharon had been there, she had gone. There were two new guys, and Gil slept on the far side of the room, alone, naked below the waist and erect. We stared at his thickness.

"Fucker ain't very long, but that puppy'd take some work," Gene said.

He reached and slipped it through his fingers. Gil rolled on his back and pushed his hips up to Gene's fingers. Gene squeezed, forcing the head to grow larger. His hand covered the entire shaft but even his long fingers didn't fit entirely around it.

"I never did him. I think he might be some fun," Gene said.

"Yeah! Let's go up before you have to find out. He looks pretty strong. You get him worked up he might want you to finish."

"No problem. He's okay. He's one of us."

We left Gil to curl back up. He seemed right on the edge of waking up, but he must have been having a terrific dream that Gene probably helped start. We ate the goodies and drank all of the milk before sleeping most of the day. I woke up to see Tim and Tony staring down at us.

"If it isn't the escape artists. Fucking cops thought they had us cornered. You guys sure gave them the slip. They locked the rest of us up. They know about you, Billie Joe. Found your bag and shit. We told them they was your shoes and shit. They called your folks out in the country somewhere. They asked us what we knew about you. We just said you was new on the streets. You better lay low, man. They wanted your ass bad. What the fuck you do?" "Nothing," I said.

"Shit, too! They don't look for us for nothing. They don't care. You must a done something pretty good to have them looking so hard for you. There's even a reward." "Fuck. What did you tell them?"

"Nothing. What do I know. Harvey said you were hanging with a guy from L.A. All of Harvey's stories lead to L.A. I think they're wise to him by now. You better lay low though."

"Not tempted to get the reward?"

"Fuck you. You're one of us. You gave us a room to sleep in. A place to shower. No kid is going to give you up. Don't worry about us. Where are you from anyway?" "Mid-West."

"You must a kilt someone, they want you that bad. Where you guys been?"

"All over. Keeping out of sight."

"Don's out. Bryce is out. Sharon was here last night. Most everyone but Jake is back on the street. They fucked him good. Fucked some army guy and got caught. They got him for sodomy, AWOL, all kinds of violations of military conduct. He'll be lucky to get out when he's fifty. I saw them take him away in chains. They didn't act too happy with him. Big mothers took him off from the jail. That's who they was after when they busted us."

"Donnie's out?" Gene asked while still lying in his usual stupor when he first woke up.

"Yeah. He was on the street yesterday. Someone said he got a trick right off. Was looking for your ass, Gene. You know Donnie's in love with you."

"Where was he?"

"I don't know. Near the diner. I didn't see him. Sharon was with him when he went off. They looked for you all afternoon. We didn't think the hotel was open so we never came here until it was time to crash last night. You guys leave us continental breakfast?"

"Yeah! Want you to keep your strength up. Can't ever tell when Tim will give in to you."

"Fuck you, Gene. You got a wise mouth," Tim said. "Cool it," Tony said, placing his hand on Tim's stomach. We made small talk. Gene started getting dressed. The three of them decided to go out.

"You stay here. I'll see what's up," Gene said. "You're going to find Don, aren't you?"

"Shut up. Lay low. I'll be back."

Tim and Tony came back first. My head was still swimming from the pot the night before. Tony had more and they sat with me and rolled joints. We passed them around. Tony kept touching Tim. There was no objection or any attempt to make me think they weren't very fond of one another. We ate some chips and drank cokes they had brought up. The three of us ended up sleeping most of the afternoon. I don't know what it was about pot, but it only did two things for me. It made me horny, and I didn't need anything to make me more horny than I already was, and it made me tired. If I became an addict, I know there would only be two things I did from that time on.

I watched them sleep together for a while. It still surprised me that Tim seemed to be the one always being held. As big and strong as he looked, and being so much larger than Tony, I'd have picked it the other way every time, but Tim slept sound in Tony's arms. I was just sorry they didn't take their clothes off. As bodies go, Tim's muscles and Tony's long lean lines were the best bodies in the house. They were both hot looking guys. I'd have known that back in Minnesota without having seen all I'd seen.

Gene did come back late in the afternoon. He smoked one of the joints we hadn't gotten to. He seemed distant and laid down with his hands behind his head.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Sure. Thinking."

"Going back out?"

"Might."

"Looking for Don?"

"Yeah! I want to see him. It has nothing to do with you. Donnie'n me's friends."

"We aren't?"

"Sure we are, but I been with you all along. I haven't seen Donnie since he got busted."

When Gene went out again, Tim and Tony went with him. They went to get food and came back to sit around and share it with me. Gil came up with one of the new guys, Fred. We all smoked more. I didn't need it. I felt more and more wasted and sprawled on the collection of rags and paper. Gil kept watching me. I kept ignoring him. Fred seemed more interested in the drugs. He seemed shy and maybe older than the rest of us. Maybe he was seventeen. He was squeaky clean, and I suspected a new arrival to the street.

Gene came up after I was completely wasted. I kept laughing at nothing. They pointed at me and laughed. There was a time that would have really upset me, but I just giggled and laughed more. Gene sat beside us but shared neither the smoke nor the food. I figured I knew what was coming. It didn't take long to arrive.

Don lit up when he hit the top of the stairs. All he saw was Gene. They hugged and kissed and Don was rubbing the front of Gene's pants before they sat down. They held hands and I giggled and tried to become invisible. I watched Donnie reach into his pocket and bring out two crisp twenty dollar bills. Gene took them and put them in his pocket. Donnie had his hands inside Gene's pants by now, and Donnie just laid there looking at him.

They disappeared. I looked around and they were gone. I felt maybe an inch and a quarter tall. I felt like I was being all sucked up inside myself. I stopped giggling and tried not to cry. Other people just sat and did their thing. With four people sitting around me, I shouldn't have felt alone, but I did. I felt like I was alone. Empty. Lost. The laughing and the party went on without me. Tim and Tony went out to make a collection. They'd seen a big piece of foam out beside one of the bedding stores. They were going back after they closed to get it. They told me they would see me later. They were nice to me. They didn't have to say anything, but they said they'd be back in awhile and would be back up. I didn't care really. I would still be alone. Gil sat down beside me and Fred kept rolling and smoking joints. Gil offered me a pill. He took one and gave one to Fred.

"Take care of all your problems, Billie Joe."

I don't know about taking care of my problems, but it sure made me not give a shit about them. Soon, I was giggling once more and the life of the party. Gil sat smiling and said it was "Mesq". I never knew what it was, but it really made a mesq out of me. When Fred and Gil started kissing on each other, I flew down the stairs. Gil told me not to go out, but I wasn't going anywhere. Sharon was on the next level with two guys. One was military and I don't know about the other. They sat around her drinking beer, and she was toying with both of them. I wanted to see more, but they didn't do anything. I examined the other floors looking for anyone I knew, but there wasn't anyone there. I figured I'd go back up to the top to my escape route. I always liked being close to the roof. It did give me a feeling of security.

Gil was naked and Fred had his pants off but still wore his shirt and jacket. They were making out with Fred lying on top. His ass was round and brown. Gil was a forest of hair from his crotch down. Black hair covered everything. There was a single line running from his navel, and above that the rest of him was smooth. He had a body like Tim's. His chest was muscular and his arms were big. Fred rolled off of him when he realized I was staring at his naked ass. He held his pants on his lap while lighting what was left of a joint.

"Freddie, he's more innocent than you are. Don't be embarrassed by Billie Joe. He's virgin."

"You don't know as much as you think, Gil," I said, way out of character for me.

"You finally done it, Billie?"

"I done it before I got here. I just don't do it with everyone that touches me!"

Gil looked a bit angry at the reference to my rejecting his pass that first night.

"You wouldn't know what to do with a real man. You mess with little boys like Gene. You need a man to show you what sex is really like."

"I suppose that's you."

Gil grabbed himself and squeezed so his head grew as large as it could go.

"You couldn't handle a real man," he said, staring at himself.

"Show him what you like, Fred?" Fred looked at me and then Gil's hand.

He let his pants slip away from the front of him as he leaned over to suck on him. Gil just leaned back and let Fred work. I watched Fred's ass. It spread as he leaned into Gil's lap. I could feel myself stiffening up. After rubbing myself a few times, I took off my clothes. If it was the drugs, it was the most in control I had been that entire evening. While most of the time I felt like I wasn't connected to my body, when I got naked, I was in control, and I wanted to fuck Fred. That was the bottom line. His ass was perfect, and I wanted it. There were no rules to stop me from having it. Sliding up behind him startled him. He held his hand between me and his crack. When he felt my dick against his hand, he caressed me one full stroke and then moved his hand. I slid on one ribbed and lubricated Trojan condom, and within a minute after getting naked, I was sliding into Fred. I watched him slobber all over Gil while I was doing it. I watched Gil lean up on his elbows to watch me. He seemed surprised. Fred just rubbed my thighs as I used him. He ended up taking off the rest of his clothes and I wrapped myself around him. I felt really good holding onto him. I didn't know him, but I loved having him where I could hold him.

Gil was finished off after a few minutes. Fred made him squirt it all over himself, refusing to eat the stuff. It was impressive watching the size of him when he reached his peak. I went through periods of increasing my motion and then grew still for awhile during the show. Gil came and sat next to me, and he started kissing me. I didn't like it for about a second, and then I decided it was fine. I held Fred around the chest as he lay still in my arms. Gil kissed me for quite awhile. I lost track of where I was at in relationship to completing my act with Fred. Fred didn't seem to care. He seemed to be comfortable. Worked for me.

Gil got up and put on his pants and went downstairs. I heard him and Sharon laughing with some of the other guys. I started to fall asleep as Fred held my hands and still didn't move or protest my presence inside him. There was something very comfortable about it. As sexual as it was, I wasn't the least bit interested in reaching a climax. Just being there with him was the best part. Holding on to him. Being in him. That was enough. I think maybe I didn't want to stop being in him. That kept him as part of me, and me as part of him. I wasn't alone when I was inside him. I couldn't possibly be alone like that. Alone was defeated! "Hey, Billie! Oh! Sorry! I didn't, ah . . . " Tony mumbled when he saw us together.

I wasn't embarrassed, and I know that's impossible. I know I should have glowed red and wanted to crawl out the crack in the wall. I turned my head to look at Tony. He held a huge piece of foam.

"I didn't mean to interrupt your fun. I mean you guys can use this. We brought it for you, Billie Joe. Because you let us use the room and all. We can leave it and go down stairs."

"Don't go. It's okay. I don't mind. Fred doesn't seem to mind."

"Sorry, Fred," Tony said. "I'm Tony. This is Tim. We'd rather stay up here tonight, but we'll leave you guys alone." "Don't go," Fred said soft as a mouse.

"See, Fred says stay. We'll all share the foam rubber. It's big enough. I want you guys to stay," I said. "I don't want to be left alone."

Fred and I rolled apart. I was without shame and my erection stood out covered only by the Trojan warrior. Fred bent his legs up in front of his body. His legs were relatively hairy, but the rest of him was smooth. He had dark blond or light brown hair. Tim laid the foam down, and spread the blanket on it. Tony looked at me and my evidence, and at Fred sitting against me, and he started taking his clothes off. "You okay?" I said.

"Yes. Just stay with me. I don't like Gil that much. He's too bossy all the time. He hurts me."

"Where are you from?"

"Fresno."

"Why you here?"

"Parents said I was either gay or their son. My choice." "You split?"

"Didn't you?" Tim started to undress when he realized everyone else was naked. He seemed reluctant, but slowly stripped the clothes off his muscular legs and well-shaped chest. He folded his clothing neatly and stood up showing off his great body. All three of us were letting the candle light show us his beauty. Even Fred stared at him.

"Will we all fit?" Tim asked, holding his hand over his best part.

"Sure! We can squeeze in," Tony said.

"We helped him lose all his shit. He let us stay up the motel. We agreed we'd share, Tim."

"I know. I didn't say anything. Just looks pretty close." "Want to smoke?" Fred asked. "Got some mesq if you like."

"Yeah!" Tony said. "I like."

"What's that?" Tim asked.

"You know how horny you always say you are," Tony said.

"Yeah!"

"This will make you ten times as horny."

"Really?"

"Really, only you won't be so damn uptight about it." "I'll take some," Tim said, innocent like.

Fred handed us each a pill. He took two for himself. Tony rolled some joints and we smoked sitting around the foam. The grass burned my throat and made it feel parched. My lungs felt scratchy. I found myself staring at Tim and Tony. I got turned on when I noticed Tony's hand resting on the inside of Tim's thigh as they passed the joint around. Tim was thick as me and longer. It seemed to be straining as it stood up almost to his belly button. The blond bush wasn't all that thick. His balls were smooth and well-defined. I tried not to look at him and ended up staring at Tony. He wasn't as thick or as long, but it was nice. His bush was dark and his lower body was covered with fine dark hairs, but they were both smooth above the waist.

It took awhile for the pill to go to work. Tim seemed a bit strange. My body really wasn't there. The candles made everything look strange. I stared at the ceiling and the shadows and the crack where Gene showed me the escape route only a few of us could use. I remembered Ty, and Jake, and thought about Gene. Each time I heard a sound I looked to see if he was back. I ended up with my hands across my chest shivering. Fred clung to the very edge of the foam so he was alone. Tim and Tony were wrapped up in each other's arms on the other edge. No one and nothing touched me.

My mind propelled me through my life since arriving in San Francisco. I was with Ty, and then he was walking away from me, backing away, looking at me. He reached his hand out to me. I reached mine out but he was further away from me. I walked toward him, but he was even further away. I ran, but I couldn't catch him, and I was crying because I needed him.

"Don't leave me alone! Please don't leave me alone," someone screamed.

Everyone sat up around me looking into my face. Tony leaned close to me.

"It's okay, little man. We aren't going anywhere."

I grabbed Tony around his thin strong chest and hugged him. I felt Tim leaning on my legs and rubbing my stomach. Fred sat looking at me.

"Please don't leave me," I said, in a little boy's voice. Tony's lips brushed mine. They were red and shaped as perfectly as the rest of him. The heat made me want him more than I had ever wanted anyone. I kissed him back and was surprised when he held me and explored my mouth with his tongue. I could feel Tim rubbing my legs and stomach as Fred held my hand to his chest and watched Tony and me make out. I felt Tim's mouth on my stomach. He used his tongue like a puppy might to lick his empty food dish. He let it wiggle in my belly button and lick up my chest until he chewed my nipples. He licked my neck and the side of my face. Tony moved away from my mouth and placed my hand on him. He was stiff and strained and he wanted to be stroked. Tim's tongue was as long and thick as the rest of him. He licked the back of my throat and I floated around the room with the three of them making love to me.

Tony, too, licked my chest as I held both his excitement and Tim's. Fred leaned behind Tim and I felt his mouth on me. I hadn't realized I was all that excited until the warm soft moistness took me there. Tim worked on my lips and nibbled them. As quick as he left my mouth, Tony's mouth was on his and then on mine. We traded kisses as I grew dizzy from the attention. I watched Tim lick down one side of my chest and Tony lick down the other as I held them prisoner with my hands. They got to where Fred worked and they turned their mouths into exciting darting snakes. They worked up and down my legs and between them. Fred seemed more experienced than I had suspected.

I watched Tony replace Fred and Tim replace Tony. They took turns on me. Fred slid down between my legs and his tongue forced me to bend my knees up high as his tongue worked all the way back between my legs. Tony sucked me as Tim used his tongue on my body until it was back up and in my mouth. As Fred sunk his tongue deep into me, I felt it hit the button the first time. It gave me a most intense excitement running through my entire body. I'd never felt a jolt quite that intense. I almost lost what had been building in me all evening, but I quickly fought the urge down again. I wanted this to last all night. I didn't want them to stop touching me. I didn't want them to leave me.

I ended up on my side with Tim moving his body so I could get him in my mouth. It was difficult at first, but he leaned back on his hands and watched my mouth work on him. Tony stayed between my legs and Fred now had his face buried in my crack. My entire body felt like it was my penis. I didn't know how that was possible, but all the sensitivity and pressure I felt in my penis and balls was now how my whole body felt. The floating never stopped and I couldn't feel the foam or anything else around me other than the bodies I did it with.

It took some time for me to realize it was Tony I was sucking, not Tim. Then it was Fred. Then I didn't know who it was. Once I thought it was Gene, but realized by the size it was Tony.

We stopped. We sat and looked at each other. They were all naked. They were all mine. We smoked pot, passing the joint around as more were rolled.

I don't know where George came from. When I noticed him, he was just there at the foot of the foam, smoking pot with us. He had really blond hair, like those surfer dudes would have. He was tall. At least I think he was. He was thin, and I do remember touching his body. I remember sucking him through his open zipper. He smiled endlessly and watched the joint and the smoke like it was some religious experience. He sat there with his clothes on in the middle of four naked guys like we were down at the diner sitting around a table. All of us showed our excitement. George's just stood up out of his pants, long and slender like him.

The fire went off the joint and my head was in Tim's lap again. I could only take in one of the eggs at a time, but I wet them and looked up at the column as Tony kissed him and Fred licked his nice nipples. I remember seeing George watching while letting me jack him off. I had to roll over and see how much of Tim it was possible to take and left George to his own devices. It wasn't so much a need as a compulsion. As both of us rolled on our sides, giving me better access, I felt George go down on me. He used his hand on himself and his mouth on me. Then I realized it was Tony and not Tim, but it was George I was on. My mind was fucking up my head. Fred made me realize it was all of them. He moaned loud enough I knew I was doing it to him. George was a good fit when he came back. He was clean like just after a fresh shower. Fred went back to eating my rear end as Tony took the point. Tim leaned up behind George and took off his shirt and rubbed his thin chest. He was as tan as you could get. Tim licked his neck from behind, but George wouldn't let him kiss him on the lips. He turned his head and Tim ended up using that puppy dog tongue on his chest and stomach as I kept George in my throat.

During this mix and match service I provided oral satisfaction for everyone present. Only one time did I think I was on the edge of losing control, but I was actually so far out of control it bordered on the insane. A month before, I was a virginal child, and now I no longer knew what I was. In my drugged state, I didn't care what I was. My one major fear made me what I was. I would have given anything not to be alone one more minute than was necessary, and so there I was, the centerpiece in an orgy of beautiful men. And the only thing I had left that still belonged to only me, I gave away.

How I knew it was George I don't know. The long, smooth legs on the back of mine. The smoothness of the lean body. Maybe the smell. I don't remember him taking me. When I realized he was buried deep inside of me, I started to struggle, and then I realized it was too late to care. There was no pain, only sorrow for giving away a gift that I wanted to save for someone else. George did the most important thing. He held my chest so tight I could hardly breathe. He slammed me hard and felt my thighs. Tony and Tim took care of my need for attention in front by taking turns on me. Fred fed me his love.

I could feel it when George peaked. His grip tightened. His arm around my chest was joined by an arm around my stomach. He pulled me back on him. I tried to remember the contours of him from the study I took with my lips and tongue. I imagined in my mind the white thick liquid filling me, pulsing out of him, as he twitched and jerked against me with his hot breaths bursting over my neck and chest. Even when he was done his muscles refused to relinquish their grip. His legs pressed hard into mine. His skin felt hot and wet. He rested inside.

It wasn't Fred but Tim I was trying to swallow. He once more rested back on his hands as I brought him closer and closer. With fascination, I watched his stomach pitch and heave as I used my improving skills. As he filled my mouth with the results of my work, I felt George desert me. I became more intent on making Tim part of me. I actually felt a feeling of loss when George withdrew, but it was short lived as another smooth thin body replaced his. I suspected Tony but was too busy to take a head count.

The slide in was no more traumatic than when George entered. Tony was gentle in comparison, and his strokes were long and slow. I thought perhaps he wasn't quite as large as George. By the time Fred went to work on me again, it didn't much matter how gentle he was. Tim went soft in my mouth. He still didn't move but rested on the palms of his hands, leaning back away from me on a forty-five degree angle so he appeared to knife up into the dark. The candle across from us lit every muscled line in his body for my eyes to admire. I tried to take one more drop out of him to force him to stay with me. I wondered if he was dead, but I could see him breathe those long, deep, relaxed breaths. I tasted him in my mouth. I wanted to excite him more.

Tony continued to gentle me. His lips started to light a fire on my neck. Fred rubbed Tim's chest for awhile, and then moved him so he could share himself with me. He was thin and without any of the size Tim offered. He was easy to swallow and to explore. He held my face down on him without force. Tim kissed my chest as Tony continued to love me. He lacked the force of George. Only his hips showed any real enthusiasm for the prize he didn't realize he was taking. He groaned in my ear, and buried himself deep while he held my hips, draining himself of lust in a minute or two.

They hovered around me, and Tony and Tim kissed. Fred turned his body down to return the favor my mouth gave him. He seemed interested for the first time. I could feel his hips starting to move with my mouth. He tried hard to take all of me, but fell short, choking when he wanted more than it was wise for him to take. I still couldn't get to where I could grab hold and force my own orgasm. I seemed to hang there just below my peak. The cum refused to rise, and my insides were burning up from the strain of it building and building.

Fred lay up close to me after I took his love out of him. It was the first time Fred seemed to feel affection. I thought it odd that it came on the far side of our love-making and not before. Often after the loving the lover left you, but his hands touched me with feeling. His face studied mine as Tim and Tony continued to look as though they were very much in love. They held each other right at our feet, and Fred also watched them kissing and rubbing each other's bodies as he rubbed mine.

I woke up with Tim a part of me. He was some place between George and Tony. He held me, not gently, but perfect for someone with his physique. His hips churned, but not violently. He held me tight, but not with force. He kissed my back, shoulders and neck with passionate lips. Tony had all but swallowed me. Tim's strokes were long and full, allowing me to appreciate his manliness. His size was more obvious than either George or Tony because he stretched me wide open. He filled me where they had only teased the hole. I turned my face toward his and the reward gave the dimension I needed to add the love I was feeling for Tim. His tongue seemed a foot long, and it filled my mouth. The way he breathed as he kissed me turned me on like nothing ever had. I could see inside my head that big fat slab moving in and out of me. I sucked his tongue like it would yield up the same love juice I was now addicted to. He whimpered and became an eager slave to my mouth. He moaned and blew hot air as he struggled to make it last. I knew just what he wanted. I knew it was too good to let it end. I knew it and felt it as his hips shivered, trying to deny himself the stroke that would bring the climax ending our pleasure.

I realized it was just Tim and me. I felt no one else. Tony knelt and watched us. Fred held Tony's waist from behind and looked on. They both kneeled looking into the field the candle lit. My mind seemed aware of everything, but mostly I was a ware of the tongue and his presence inside me. We hung there for minutes and maybe hours. He would shiver and shake as he fought it. It became the demon he denied and wouldn't let end our marvelous experience together. His left hand moved ever so slightly on me as his right held my body to his. I loved the feel of his muscles against my shapeless form.

There was a sudden gush of spittle and hot air and a whimper that accompanied the first surge. His hips involuntarily plunged his manhood deep and deeper. The shaking became violent as his body tensed and more air gushed on my mouth as I released his tongue. He seemed to gurgle and moan in his chest as he shook and pressed his quaking body against mine. I felt him pulsing at my hole. He shook and shook and shook as I felt the heat of him increase inside me. The size of him now stretched me in a rapturously pleasant way I wouldn't have thought possible. His mouth closed on mine, and, as all the tension ran out of him, he gave me the most incredible kiss from his incredible mouth and tongue.

"Thank you," he said so low I doubt Tony or Fred could hear it four feet away.

Even though I still had yet to get over the hump myself, there was something in Tim's orgasm that completely satisfied me. He held me. He didn't leave me. The more remarkable thing was that Tony slid up against my chest and placed his face there. Our arms wrapped us together in a human puzzle. Their warmth gave me an incredible feeling of well being, and in the middle of that it hit me. I knew they would leave me as everyone always left me. I knew that as long as I could engage them in sex, we could be together, but as soon as I could no longer satisfy them I would end up alone. In the middle of those warm and wonderful arms belonging to two of the most beautiful men I had ever known, I was alone once again.

Chapter 18

Love For Sale

Several days were lost in our drugged and drunken orgy. It was hard to tell what time it was and whether it was day time or night. It rained constantly and low dark clouds made it totally dark inside the building. Even near the roof, that on sunny days furnished some light through a less than perfect ceiling, candles were necessary in the gloom. Luckily the rain, although continual, was only a fine mist, and it didn't wet the floor in our tight little corner.

It didn't occur to me to really care about the time. After the first evening, night, or whatever, I woke up between Tony and Tim. Both held onto me, and I was happy Tim was behind me. There was something about him resting his manhood there that excited me. Being in the center gave me a rare feeling of complete protection and satisfaction. Loneliness had no power to penetrate the veil of arms they made for my safety. After my frantic plea not to be left alone, it became their duty to protect me from the thought of loneliness again.

They wrapped me up in their love. I stayed between them for a long time. Tony's lips were on my chest. Each time I moved, other than for breathing, he would kiss me in a gentle sleep state that assured me he wasn't leaving me. It also assured me my erection wouldn't be ignored. Waking up that way the first time gave me some feeling of belonging to them, or perhaps a feeling they belonged to me. I managed to get Tim inside me with little trouble, and before long he was half awake and aware of the needy state I encouraged. Although the drugs hadn't worn off, they had relinquished enough control to allow me to feel the width of him inside my sore hole. It never came to mind that his cock was part of the reason for my aching hole, and it just excited me the more for him being inside me. Tony’s kissing my chest also heightened my awareness.

Tim moved his hips until he was completely inside me. He held me with his hands under and over my hips. He did not move further and moaned long and low in my ear. His chest pushed against my back, nearly making me swoon. He seemed to grow larger as I squirmed a little to feel him better. His hands held me close so I couldn't slip even a tiny bit off of his manhood. His hips did a slow, sleepy grind as he sighed his passion on my neck. I pressed back against him and turned, making him roll on his back or risk losing his place. He responded without more than an involuntary rolling motion until I sat on his legs with my legs straddling his. My ass was full of him. The pain was a slight presence that had no meaning against what he yielded for my own lust. I placed my hands on his muscular chest, feeling the contours of his strength. He took in a deep breath to swell himself up, and my fingers explored from the top to the bottom of his pectoral muscles. His nipples were full and round. Their appeal forced me to lean forward to lick one and then the other, which made him moan deep. His chest tensed and his eyes opened wide, their pale blue piercing into my own dark eyes. His face slowly grew a broad smile. He placed a hand on each of my thighs and pressed upward while I leaned back, grinding my hips down on him to assure him he had all of me. I rubbed his chest harder, leaning forward until his lips were touching mine. That tongue! The size of him in my mouth startled me again. I sucked it when I regained my equilibrium. Intense pleasure washed through me.

I sat back up and looked at his face. Handsome. Truly, gorgeously handsome! I couldn't believe any man that looked like this could want me. I was scrawny, even more skinny than a few weeks ago. My dick stood out almost obscene for its width and length. A little boy body with man meat attached. I touched myself to feel its strength and quickly realized I couldn't do that or I'd . . . . While leaning back to make sure I had it all, I saw Tony's eyes on me. I felt shame almost instantly. It was his man I used. I didn't want to cause Tony pain. He was the first one to want to comfort me, and to remind the others I had given first so they could rest off the street a few nights. His eyes simply studied me. There was no distress or anger on his face. He watched me move on top of Tim, and he looked especially at my protruding excitement. As I leaned back and closed my eyes one more time, Tony was suddenly there and brought me around with his mouth. That sent shock waves from my stomach and groin and down into my thighs. He slid down until I shook with excitement. Still I had gotten so close in the last day or so, and I hadn't reached that magic moment yet. With all the dicks and mouths and assholes that passed around me, I could only get up to the edge and then back away each time.

Tony was taking no prisoners. He seemed focused. Tim joined him in an increasing rhythm of motion. I could feel Tim's thighs slapping against me. He bent his knees a bit and gained the ability to slide up and down several inches. His motions were strong and decisive. The increase in speed was almost imperceptible, but I knew each stroke came a little faster than the last and with a little more force that milked me with urgent power. I rocked between the ecstasy of Tim's strong thrusts and the marvelous feel of Tony attending me with his hungry mouth. I focused long enough to see him take all of me. It surprised me he could take so much of my thick meat, but then I remembered Tim. Of course, Tony had practiced on bigger and better morsels than mine. It made me smile to think of him working on Tim. It made me hotter thinking about where his mouth had been.

Tim was sweating under my hands. I used the liquid to slide them around on his thick chest. I watched his face and he studied me as his hips churned and thrust at a frantic pace. His face agonized and twisted as he reached it. His mouth twisted open as a terrific, irresistible moan escaped. He gasped and gave a mighty push while pulling my thighs, and his eyes closed. There were several quick spontaneous jerks of his hips and legs, and more air spat out in strange patterns of desperate urgency. His face took on a serene look of pleasure as he thrust up a few weak times and held me on his hips while they shuddered for another moment or two. His eyes stayed closed and his mouth opened with satisfaction that flooded over his face.

Once more I became Tony's and he rolled me onto my side and took me from behind. It seemed to be the way he liked to do it. I think I liked it best too. Being held from behind was the best, and yet watching Tim's face was about as terrific as it had ever been. Seeing every line, expression and reaction as he completed the most intimate linking. That was an incredible high. Knowing I was responsible for making someone look that satisfied was a kick no drug could provide. I thought of that image while I felt Tony sliding inside me. Tim placed his face on my chest and held us both.

Tony was always gentle. His thrusts were slow and long. He held me gently, only this time Tim jumped up over us, got behind Tony, stretched his arms across both of us and kissed his back and neck with wild abandon. He made smacking and eating sounds and Tony giggled and blew laughter on my neck, making me giggle. I wouldn't be giggling for long. Tim slipped back over top of us and stationed himself at my loins. When he did what Tony had been doing earlier, it gave a new dimension to good head. Why there was such a difference I can't tell you, but fucking Tim's mouth was like dying and going to heaven. All my energy and peaks and valleys charged up inside of me in one incredible moment of lust and fulfillment. Tim choked and tried to force my hips back, but it was too late. I was pouring my love into his throat. As soon as he realized it was the moment of truth, he relaxed. His resistance stopped and he eased me into his throat and let me drain down into his depths.

My body lost all contact with reality. I was one gigantic, orgasmic piece of flesh. My entire being seemed to be pouring down into Tim. Then I felt something a little more demanding than my own lust. My hole jerked each time I pulsed out more love, and Tony couldn't do anything but unload. He moaned and groaned and held me on him. I could feel him slobbering down my back. Each time he pulsed my hole pulsed and it was a cycle that seemed to carry on much longer than usual. I once more came back to my body as Tim choked and coughed after sitting up. Fred laid back on the old bed of rags and paper, watching. "Fuck," Tim said, clearing his throat. "Damn! You save all that shit for me. I didn't think I could swallow fast enough. Fuck."

He coughed a few more times and held his throat. Even in distress he was gorgeous. Tony just held me to him and on him. Tim drank out of one of the many sodas laying open around the bed. I hoped he would get one without cigarette butts, but he didn't choke any longer, so I figured he knew which one to drink from.

Then we slept. We got up to smoke. Gil brought up some "Ludes", whatever that was. We all started over again. I watched Gil force Fred to take that monster meat of his. Fred just lay there without expression on his face. Luckily Gil was quick work. Two minutes and he was walking around with a weapon that was lethal to no one. After Gil left, Fred curled up on the rags, alone. He looked like I felt much of the time. I couldn't go to him as long as Tim and Tony were with me.

Later that day or night (at least it seemed like the same day or night), Tony and Tim got dressed to go get more junk food and some kind of meal for us. Fred held onto me after they left. He fell asleep and we really didn't do anything else. We woke up with all the candles out and rolled around in the dark trying to find the matches to light one. It seemed cold and unfriendly up there. Just a few hours before it had been the greatest place in the world to be. The dark held secrets I thought best left forgotten. Fred and I held each other and listened to the sounds of the street. The wind blew and the rain rained, and Tim and Tony were there the next time I opened my eyes.

There were ten candles burning and we ate tacos and burritos and drank more coke and smoked more dope and just stayed suspended between the real world and our world. No one interfered or seemed to care. From time to time there was a new face. I never had names to go with some of them. After smoking and taking pills, we always ended up getting to know one another far more completely than any name might allow. I knew cocks and assholes, but not by a name. My only care was what it made me feel, and then more drugs to make sure what I felt was what I really felt. There is no telling how long we were there. I have no idea what day it was when the drug orgy started, and likewise have no idea what day it was when we stopped. I'd estimate four or five days. It might have been three or six. I knew I smelled like sex and sweat and candle wax and pee and burritos and coke and a dozen other things I'd eaten, worn, and rolled in during the lost days of my first orgy. Each time I rose to a level higher than a stupor, I would feel the love and affection Tony and Tim furnished me constantly through these days.

How many people used me and how many I used seemed irrelevant. There were no rules and no one in the world to tell me I couldn't do and be what I did and was. As long as I could keep Tim and Tony there. I would use anything I had to do that. There were no boundaries and there was nothing I wouldn't give them. I'd be there still if that were possible. It was the only time in my life I had ever been wholly free of pain. Gil brought up more drugs and used Fred again. He came onto me once more, but I didn't respond this time. He moved on and we all had another high night thanks to his generosity and perversion. We always forgot him quickly and took care of the business at hand. Fred still pretty much stayed to himself, but stayed on our level and close to the three of us. He didn't say much, or I didn't listen much, but he was always there when I was aware of who was there. It was the end of another week when Tim and Tony were gone for the entire day. They usually came back in a few hours with food and goodies, but this time they didn't return. That left Fred and me together. We still smoked constantly and were always high. I used Fred much like Gil did, only with a bit more compassion and feeling. I liked Fred, but he wasn't easy to know. He was available, and as soon as I'd get rolling, he'd roll over for me. Many times he'd get me rolling with his gentle breath and words of love he wanted to share with my best part. There was no television, or radio, but there was Fred.

When Tim and Tony didn't return that night, we listened for them on the steps, but heard only the steady weekend traffic that gave away what part of the week we were in. After eating nothing but remnants and junk for another day, Fred and I decided it was time to go out to score more drugs and food. I don't know when it was I became addicted to drugs, but I needed to have the high all the time by now.

Smelling like cum and piss isn't a big advantage when you are hungry. I took Fred with me to raid the dumpster of donuts and the market of milk. No sign of Gene or Jesus was to be found. The selection was very limited. I had learned that the weekends were that way. Less left over. I was sick from too much junk and no real food. I lost the pastry and my stomach revolted on the milk. I added the smell of puke to the piss and the cum. I gave new meaning to the word sachet. Fred stole some deodorant from the drug store and we did our best to cover up the odor. I never thought about anyone looking for me, and it was probably the drugs. I didn't really think at all. I knew hunger and I knew alone. That was all there was. I stationed Fred beside me at the diner window. We'd find someone or someone would find us. That was all I thought. We sucked on some joints offered as different street kids stopped to talk.

The next sequence of events can be described in many ways. There are probably a hundred reasons, explanations, and justifications, but none of them float or fly or ride. Why I did what I did, I don't know, and I didn't plan to do it, but when opportunity knocks, you answer. That's my only explanation. Perhaps you can understand it better than I. For me there was no excuse and no justification. What I did was loathsome and despicable. It was something I had promised myself I'd die before I did, and yet leaning there against the diner window and knowing that Fred and I were starving, and that he lacked any street smarts at all, I was now the bread winner for my new counterweight against alone.

I'd seen Harvey and Donnie and Gene posing, and I suppose I was. I didn't think about it. The car rolled up and stopped. The guy leaned across the seat and rolled down the window. I looked at him for a minute as he looked at me. Fred only looked at the curb line. He finally waved, and I pushed myself off the wall.

"Twenty?"

"Sure."

"Get in."

"Money comes first."

He placed the twenty in the middle of the seat. My eyes glued on it and what it stood for. I fought myself for a minute. I almost didn't reach for the handle, but then we were driving away with me staring at Fred and Fred staring back at me through the window with questions in his eyes. I could see the feeling of loss on Fred's face. I could see the reflection of alone. The hand on my leg made me jump. When it grabbed me I got sick at my stomach. The car pulled to the curb a few blocks over and in front of an abandoned building. The man knew he had something when his face got down near my clothes,

"Jesus! You know about bathing?"

"You didn't ask me about bathing. You gave me twenty. Take it or leave it. It's all there is."

The twenty was in my fist and short of cutting off my hand, he wasn't getting it back. He pulled me out of my pants and put his mouth on my soft meat. I leaned my head on the back of the seat and held onto whatever I could grab. My stomach turned and I could feel the acid in my throat as he slobbered on me trying to get a rise out of me. I was just trying not to throw up all over him. I wanted to puke and cry. I started to shake.

I think I got half hard but was thinking about Tim and Tony and I was crying as he acted like he had the deluxe cone.

"Can you cum?"

"I guess," I mumbled so low I wasn't sure what I had said.

"Shit! You're a waste. Get back by yourself. Get out of my fucking car. I should know better than picking you creeps up. Always a waste. Dirty fucking bum."

The car drove off as I puked in the gutter. I felt like my insides were tearing lose and about to come up. I stopped twice to puke on the way back and snot ran out of my nose. For the first time I really felt dirty. It had nothing to do with the cum and the piss and the puke. The dirt was now on the inside of me. I'd finally reached my level.

"What did you do," Fred asked, beaming after seeing me walk up.

"Threw up."

"They like that?"

I laughed. I became hysterical. The question just seemed so damn naive, and yet I knew it was a question I might have asked my first time there. I laughed so hard I had to sit down. Fred stared at me and thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy. We went and ate at the burger joint. We ate and ate and took food back with us. We holed up a few more days at the hotel. Fred and I held onto each other and slept and ate and did the same thing we'd been doing for a week. The drugs ran out and I lay there an entire day trying to figure out if I was high or not. I stared up at rays of light shinning through the roof. The sun must have been back out. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the sun. We went out.

It was sunny. We deodorized and I knew we had to make some more money. Fred did his part. He stole a bottle of cologne. I used it on my crotch and pants. They were dark, but the dirt was moving around on them. We went into the diner and I washed myself off in the bathroom and put on more deodorant and cologne. The first guy that picked me up was young. He could only be old enough to drive. I didn't get the same dirty feel about him or myself. He only had ten, and I told him it would do. I showed him where to go. He was in high school. A friend of his told him where to go. He wanted to be with a guy but was afraid. I let him touch me. He moaned when his fingers closed on me. I got hard immediately. His fingers were like a vise. He didn't look, but held on and moaned with his eyes closed.

"You ever get blown?" I asked.

"Noooooooooo!" he said without looking at me.

I scooted down in the seat and unzipped his pants. His shorts were full of sticky liquid. I pulled him out. He had black hairs all around it. When I slipped my lips down on him he tensed up and there was nothing more to it. It took all of ten seconds. I thought it was the easiest ten bucks I'd ever made, but I wanted to give it back to him. He drove me back around by the diner.

"Do you come here often?" he asked still looking out of the windshield.

"Sure."

"Can I go out again. I mean when I get the money. I didn't know it would be that cool. I mean I'm glad it was you. My friend said the guys are all just after bread, but you were nice.

I leaned back on the door, "What's your name?" "Danny. Danny O'Brian."

"Just Danny. Don't tell people your last name. They might show up at your door, kid."

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen."

"Go back to school, Danny. Stay away from here. These streets will eat you alive."

"You seem all right. What's your name?"

"Billie. Billie Joe."

"How old are you Billie?"

"How old do you think?"

"Eighteen. Nineteen. You're small. I mean most places, but you look older than me."

"If I look eighteen, I’m eighteen, Danny.

You look for me. You always get a cut rate. Hear?"

I was learning the game, and I knew nothing I said would keep him away.

"Yeah!" he beamed. "I won't go with anyone else. I'll see you over the weekend, Billie."

The kid drove away in his daddy's car. I looked at myself in the window of the dinner. My eyes were lost in hollow pits. My skin was dark and ugly looking. I didn't even notice Fred was gone. I leaned there for an hour or so. I realized no one I knew was around. I wondered if the cops were out. I wondered if there was another sweep and bust while Fred and I holed up at the hotel. I thought I'd find Fred there when I went back. I bought some coffee and looked out the window of the diner. The bully in the white apron asked me was I eating. He said he only had so much space. There was only one other guy in the joint. I wanted to tell him when I was first around he didn't seem to mind me. Now I looked like the rest of them he was going to hassle me too. Asshole! I drank my coffee and kept my mouth shut.

It was late in the afternoon I got my second “date”. It was a middle-aged guy. Maybe thirty. Maybe late twenties. He eyeballed me a couple of times before stopping. I showed him the block to park on. I even got hard for him. He stayed with it about ten minutes. I acted like I had cum, but I only acted like it. He seemed disappointed. I said I was young and didn't cum much. He kept looking disappointed. He got me a block from where he picked me up. I now had most of the thirty dollars from the day. I leaned by the diner and figured one more and I could retire the rest of the week. I'd go back and feed Fred and maybe give him money to score some grass for us. We'd hole up there until the next weekend. I got hard thinking of Fred's ass. I rubbed my crotch and hoped someone was watching. The car was fancy. Maybe a Lexus or one of those types. It sure was a pretty color. The electric windows told me thirty dollars was the price for this guy. He looked long through sad eyes.

"What do you do?"

"Thirty dollars and its what do you want me to do." "Get in," he said.

I was all smiles and yanked open the door. This was a piece of cake, only the door slammed shut again before I could even start to get in. There was one very large black hand between the roof and the top of the door. I swung around and looked up, up, and up until Ty's very angry eyes looked down into and through mine. There was rage on his face.

"What the fuck are you doing. You little punk asshole." "Hey!" the guy in the car said. "We're doing business here."

"Were, Mac. Key word is were. Get your fucking ass out of here before I call the cops on your queer ass, faggot." I swung at Ty with a roundhouse punch. All the rage and anger I'd ever felt came out of me. I missed him as he took half a step back giving me a long look. I slugged him in the chest as he stood stationary. I beat my fists into his chest and arms as he tried to hold me off.

"You son of a bitch. You left me. You bastard. I hate you! Why did you leave me?"

I flailed and swung until he held both of my wrists. I kicked him and made him let go and he slapped me with his huge opened hand, knocking me against the car as it was driving off. I started to swing at him again and his other hand slapped me even harder. I fell on my knees crying, sobbing. He tried to pull me back up.

"Don't touch me, nigger. Don't you ever touch me. I hate your black ass. You bastard!" I screamed. "You son of a bitch!!"

People stopped and stood and I sobbed and cried as Ty once more pulled me up by my wrists. He pulled me into his body and I sobbed.

I heard his soft voice say, "I didn't leave you, kiddo. They told me you got busted. Barney said the police locked you all up. I thought you were on the way back to wherever you come from. I didn't know. I would have looked for you if I'd known."

I couldn't see Ty through my tears. I could see his black skin and where his eyes should be, but I couldn't really see his face.

"You thought I was locked up?"

"Yeah. 'Til Gene told me different a couple of days ago. I've come down every day looking for you. I've got a place to stay. You can stay there until you go home."

"I can't go home."

"We'll talk about that," Ty said, firm.

I told Ty I couldn't leave Fred. He went with me to get him. He dropped Fred at his friend Todd's house. Todd wanted to know about me and if I was ready. Ty said he was working on it. Todd said not to wait until it was too late. I knew it was already too late.

As angry as I was with Ty, it seemed to fade away as we walked and talked. He took me about twenty blocks during most of an hour of walking. We climbed up to an upper floor apartment. When Ty used the key in the door I believed it was a place to stay. He told me nothing until we stepped inside.

There was a hospital bed in the middle of the room against the far wall overlooking the window.

"This is Walter, Billie. Walter, this is Billie Joe."

"The infamous Billie Joe. The way Ty talks about you, I thought you were a figment of his imagination."

"You don't look so hot," I said. "You sick or something," I said with my new bluntness.

"Boy's a genius. I have AIDS. Ty saved my life. I haven't heard anything but Billie Joe, Billie Joe since he found me unconscious a few weeks ago. He got me to the hospital and now they have me on something called AZT, but I need someone here to make sure I take the meds. Ty's stayed with me. I'd be dead by now if he'd left me. Regular life saver."

Walter looked me over critically. "Thought you said he was so young?" he said to Ty.

"He is," Ty said.

"You don't look so hot, either," Walt said, pacing his words and swallowing after some.

"Streets age you," Ty said.

Ty walked me over to the bed and Walter stretched out his skinny hand.

"Glad to finally meet you, Billie Joe."

I looked at his hand and I looked at Ty. He smacked my back and indicated for me to shake his hand. I couldn't touch him. Ty shook his head and Walter put his hand on top of the white sheet like that was what he did all the time. He didn't seem put off by my ignorance.

"I wouldn't shake that skinny little hand either. I know I'm nasty looking. I'm really better than I was. The new medication seems to be doing some good. First thing that has slowed it down."

"I'm tired, Ty. Why don't you give this boy something to eat. He looks starved to death. Skin and bone. Then you guys figure out the sleeping arrangements. I know if I say you can't stay, Ty will go with you. I guess I'm stuck with the two of you. Just keep the television down. Maybe I could have some broth when you bring the meds, Ty." Walter looked at me with drooping eyes. "Thanks. I really mean it," he said as his voice went away.

Ty put his hand on my back and guided me to the kitchen. He fixed soup and a sandwich with lettuce, tomato and pickle. It tasted glorious. He told me about finding Walter the last morning I saw him. He said that's where he would go each morning, to check on Walter. He didn't like the kids knowing he was helping a gay guy with AIDS. He went back the next day after Walter was out of danger, and Barney told him the cops raided the room and took everyone away. Ty didn't even look for me until Gene told him I was on the street and never had been locked up.

Ty got me a towel and a bar of soap. He told me not to come out until all the soap was gone. It was a pretty big bar, but he told me he could smell me through the cologne and the deodorant, and it wasn't pretty. I stood in the shower for at least an hour. I looked at myself in the mirror when I was done. I could no longer recognize my face. The little boy I had been was gone forever. I knew that. There was no way I'd ever be that boy again. No way. I felt like I’d been wandering for years.

I looked at my skin and my eyes. They seemed like they belonged to someone else. I looked at my skinny frame. My ribs poked out. My neck that was once so fleshy seemed narrow and skinny. My patch of hair around my manhood seemed to be half what it once was. The only thing impressive about me was the way I hung over my hairless balls. I seemed larger, thicker, more sexual than ever before. My mind was preoccupied with sex.

Just looking at myself got me aroused. I jacked off without ever looking out of the mirror. I studied my wide cock. I examined the vein that seemed twice the size it once was. I felt my incredible hardness and stroked myself furiously watching the head swell and the piss hole open wide as I worked it up and down. I watched as I lined the inside of the sink with powerful pulsing jets of white liquid. Watching the streams of liquid squirt out of me. I studied the hole and how it ejected the hot white thick cream against the cold hard porcelain sink.

The strange thing was I wasn't really turned on. I mean I got hard and I jerked off, but there was no intensity to it. It was like I took a piss or something. It was a study in biology. Do thus and so and thus and so happens to you. See the cum shoot all over the fucking place. This is a direct result of manual manipulation of the male penis. This is what happens when you pound your pud, jerk off, beat your meat, etc., etc., etc., but I never felt excited. I didn't even care if I shot off or not.

I examined the thick liquid to be sure it was cum. It was. It was in as great or greater quantity than ever. My one real claim to fame. I could cum more than anyone I'd seen so far. I looked at my shiny black hair and my softness hanging out of it and realized faced for the first time I'd sold myself. It was there was to assure survival. It’s all I had people found valuable enough to buy. I was taller, bigger in general, but very skinny in spite of it. My voice was lower and my words came less frequently as I became swallowed up by the streets. I wasn't much to look but people wanted me without seeing ever seeing me. To them I was a piece of meat they wanted to love for as long as it took. The boy attached was the excess baggage never seen.

I looked at it and felt really dirty all over again.

I took another shower.

I cried and knew the shower would never betray me, nor would I ever get clean enough to forget what I had done, what I had become. I came out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped around me. I didn't dare put on my clothes. Ty watched me as he poured me something to drink over glorious ice cubes.

"Want to rest for awhile?"

"Sleep? I forgot what it was. Yeah. I feel like I might not ever wake up, Ty. I might never get myself clean."

"Can I lie down with you?" he offered with a wide smile.

"No!" I snapped before explaining myself in softer tones. "No. I want to go to sleep. I’m still scared I’ll end up back out there. I want to sleep with nothing else in mind."

"I won't bother you. Have I ever? You're still mad at me?"

"No, Ty. I need to go to sleep, alone. Things might seem different once I wake up."

"I'll hold you. Just hold you, Billie."

"No. I don't want that."

Ty knew me, and he didn't understand why I no longer wanted him near me. Only Ty no longer did know me or what I had done. He had no idea who I was. I no longer knew who I was. I just knew I didn't want to be touched any longer. I didn't know why. The loneliness was now all consuming. I knew I'd never be rid of it. Touching was the last thing I needed. What I needed was to sleep sound for awhile. Sleep without fear. A long deep sleep and maybe I’d wake back up being the naïve little boy as when I started this journey.

I slept all that night and well into the next day. Ty brought me food some time after the day was bright and at its peak. I ate and went back to sleep without wondering where Ty slept. There were only two beds in the apartment, and I knew Walter's was too small to accommodate two people. I didn't even think it was possible for them to be sleeping together. It just wasn't the impression I had. I would find out later that Ty slept on the floor next to my bed. He never asked to sleep in it with me again.

Once again I slept around the clock and well into the next day. Ty woke me in the middle of the second day. He said I had to eat something. He brought me coffee which was almost straight from heaven. He said the beans were fresh ground for me, and it was a Colombian Supreme he'd just brought back from the market because he knew I loved my morning coffee, even in the afternoon. After four cups I no longer felt like sleeping. We served Walter some soup and herb tea. Ty was cooking a hearty beef stock for his evening meal. He showed me some steaks that he and I were going to eat. He told me Walter couldn't eat anything requiring too much digestion. He was still very weak. His system couldn't handle solid food.

We listened to some old time music on the stereo. I think it was the Beatles and the Stones. Walter was almost forty, and it was "his music." After listening to it a while, I found some to be pretty good stuff. I took a liking to Penny Lane and Strawberry Fields Forever.

Walter confessed those were two of his favorites and we listened to them ten times that night. He seemed really nice. I suspected he wouldn't be around for long. Walt commented on how much better I looked cleaned up and in Ty's sweat pants, even though they were hiked up above my calves to keep them from dragging on the floor. I didn't wear the top because it was just too much material to haul around. Walt said I had a nice body if I'd put some meat on my bones. They measured my height and I was over five foot eight without employing the stretch I’d employed in high school the year before. I weighed a hundred and fifteen pounds which was five more pounds than I weighed when I left home, or was it at school last year? I shook my head thinking it might make things clearer to me.

Walter said I was growing up and looked skinny because all my energy went to filling out my frame. He thought that is why my ribs were sticking out now. I was in my final maturation or something like that. Walt seemed smart and very aware, but he looked like he was just holding onto life. Sometimes when he spoke I could hardly hear the end of his sentence. When he ate, Ty was constantly wiping his chin and the sweat from his forehead. Ty was such a caring soul. I admired him and wondered how he managed to be so kind to everyone. Life had done nothing but give him a raw deal, and he took care of everyone. That sucked. I knew he hadn't left me on purpose. I understood there was something more important for him to do. It somehow didn't take away my anger. I still was mad at him, at myself, at life . . . something.

We had popcorn and Ty brought the television into the living room. Walt liked music but he sat and watched a few movies with us. Walter choked on a piece of popcorn, and Ty sprang up and held him while trying to get it out of his throat. Walter seemed frail and said he didn't care, that the popcorn was fantastic. Best thing he'd tasted since being so sick. He ate a little more, but carefully, and then he fell asleep.

When I excused myself and went to the bedroom, Ty stood in the doorway watching me. I didn't take off the sweat pants and slid under the sheet. He turned out the light once I was in bed.

"If you want to lie down with me it’s okay, Ty."

"You sure?" he said, out of the darkness.

"I just feel . . . I don't know what I feel Ty. I don't know any more."

"It's okay Billie Joe. I can sleep on the floor."

"You sleep on the floor?"

"You're in my bed. You didn't want me in it. I sleep on the floor"

"I'm sorry for what I said to you, Ty. I really am sorry. I don't know why I said that. I wanted to hurt you. I don't know why I had to hurt you."

I cried.

"It's okay. I knew you didn't mean it. Besides, it doesn't bother me any more. It's just a word."

"You're so good, Ty. Why didn't you make me sleep on the floor?"

"Because I would rather you have the bed if only one of us can have it. I sleep fine on the floor. I don't want to crowd you."

"Why didn't you look for me, Ty? Why did you leave me alone."

"I did. I told you. Walter was dying. I had to stay with him. When I went to get you, they said the cops got you. I thought you were gone. On your way home."

"You left me alone."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

"I know. You left me alone though."

Ty sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on mine. I kissed it and held it to my chest and cried. I was still scared and lonely. I didn't know what I wanted. I was mad at Ty, but I knew he hadn't done anything to me. I was confused and didn't know what was wrong with me. "Please. Come to bed, Ty. We can talk tomorrow." I fell asleep in Ty's arms. He held me against his chest, and I was asleep in no time.

Chapter 19

Welcome to Hard Times

It was the third full day I was at Walt's that Todd came by with Fred. Ty brought them into the living room where we were listening to The Supremes. There was something very stimulating about the music. My feet were curled up under me on the couch. I was still wearing Ty's hiked up sweat pants. Fred and I hugged and he kissed me passionately. I didn't feel passionate toward him. I stood back and looked at him. He seemed happy and calm. Todd had gotten him into a foster home. It was two gay guys that had taken other boys for him. They would understand his problem and offer him some comfort at a time he needed to figure out what his life was about. Todd asked me if I was ready. I just shrugged and went back and sat on the couch. Fred stood next to me and held my hand. Ty stood in the doorway and watched us as Todd continued to explain what would happen to Fred.

"You know they are looking for you?" Todd said, looking at my hand in Fred's.

"Yeah. I know."

"I'd turn you in myself if I didn't know through a confidence where you were. You should be home, Billie Joe. You should be home with your people. Going to school." "I can't right now. You send me home and I'll just run." "I know that. Why do you think you're still here. When you want to go home, when you are ready, Ty will contact me. Don't wait too long. Don't wait until it is too late."

"Walt. You take care of yourself. No one would bust you for keeping these boys, but you know it isn't legal." "I know, Todd. I know. These boys have to make their own decisions. I make Billie Joe leave, I lose Ty. I think I'll go along with the boys, Todd. If I can keep them off the streets, well, you know where they are."

"Yeah! Unfortunately I do. It's my ass if any one else knows I know. My ass big time. I don't know why I let you kids work me this way. Don't know why I don't just bust all of you. Just don't wait too long, Billie Joe. Don't let too long be too late."

"I won't. I'm thinking on it."

Fred and I hugged as they left. I hoped he would be happy. He was a nice kid. Funny. He was a lot older than I was and I no longer thought I was a kid, but I saw Fred as a kid. Life's strange.

We listened to music and Ty fixed us soup and salad for dinner. Walt even ate all of his salad. The soup was onion and we had garlic bread. It was great. I'd eaten better in the past few days than in months. I started to feel alive again. I still spent much of my time in the shower. I still couldn't get myself clean enough. It was like after you have an operation and you aren't really completely awake, and you linger there in that world of bright light and movement, but you aren't really connected to it. That's how I felt. I was there, but I really wasn't there. It was just nice not to be looking over my shoulder and begging for food.

It was the night Fred came that Ty asked me about the future.

"You going home?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do." I looked up at Ty from under my eyebrows. "What are you going to do?" "Stay here. With Walt. He needs me. I like Walt. He always treated me good. He takes care of me. I take care of him."

"Can't I stay with you?"

"The guy's got AIDS, Billie Joe. He'll be dead in a few months. I'll be back on the street. Besides, his check just about pays the bills. You are another mouth to feed. I don't know how long we'll last."

"I can make money."

"Fuck you, Billie Joe! Not while I'm around you can't. I'll bust your ass I ever catch you at it again."

"What do I do? I might have it, Ty."

"Don't say that Billie Joe. Don't ever tell me that."

"I did stuff Ty. I did a lot of stuff."

"Shut up, Billie Joe. I don't want to know that. You go some place else to die, Billie Joe. I won't watch that. I won't watch anyone else die."

"We're all, dying, remember? You told me we're all dying."

"I didn't say 'we' meaning you. I said 'we' meaning the kids. We were all dying. You were fucking okay. You could live. You didn't have to be like us. You could go home."

"I didn't, and I am one of you, and I might have it." "Go home. Like Todd said, go home. Finish school. You can go home. If you get sick, deal with it. Don't ever tell me. Don't ever tell me I failed. I want to think I saved one person from the street. That's all I wanted with you. I just wanted to keep you from getting it. Don't ever tell me, Billie Joe. I don't want to know you got it."

We went to sleep but nothing was resolved. I knew I could go home. I didn't know why I should. I knew what was going to happen. It would be even worse now than it was before. They'd watch me like a hawk. Not that I deserved any less, but I didn't want to face it. I decided I would wait as long as possible. If I was dying, I'd never go home. Then there would be no need. I could stay in the street until my time came.

Next morning was French toast and sausage. Walt ate at the table with us. His color was somewhat better, and he ate without assistance. He had good days and bad days, and as days went, this was the best one I'd seen. He spoke stronger and ate about twenty pills with breakfast.

Ty squeezed fresh oranges to make juice. The meal was fantastic. Each day everything seemed better than the day before. There was no mention of the big A, or of our conversation about it from the night before. I didn't know how much Walt knew, but he had enough problems without worrying about me. I didn't intend to mention the possibility I might have it. It just seemed best not to talk about it. But sometimes you don't plan things and they just happen.

"I'd like some ice cream for tonight, Ty," Walt said. "What flavor?"

"Peach. I'd love to have some real peach ice cream." "Butter fat would be good for you. You must be feeling better."

"Some. Leave Billie Joe here with me. I feel pretty good, but I don't want to be alone if I don't have to be." "Sure," Ty said.

"What else do you want?"

"More popcorn would be nice. You could rent a good movie. None of that violent shit you like. Rent us something nice. A love story, maybe."

"Geez, Walt! A love story? Nobody watches that crap." "I do. I bet Billie Joe does. He looks like a lover." "Right," I said, stirring the third spoonful of sugar into my second cup of coffee.

"Better get some more sugar, Ty. Billie Joe's storing the stuff in his feet."

Ty and Walt laughed. I stirred. I took the dishes away from Ty so he could go. I wanted to keep busy. I was suddenly leery of Walt. Him getting stronger wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Ty had been gone quite awhile when Walt asked for some water. I filled the glass with cubes and let the water run awhile before covering the cubes. I wiped the counter and the last dish before taking him the glass.

"Sit," he ordered.

I sat.

"What's up?" Walt asked.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Here you are."

"That's obvious. You mean you wish I weren't?" "What are your plans? What are you going to do? You can't hide out in San Francisco until you are eighteen. You can't hide out here. You know Todd is only loyal for so long. Then he becomes a bureaucrat again. He will come to get you or send someone. Then I got it all hanging out for keeping you."

"He'll narc on me?"

"He'll narc on you, and that's bad enough. But if he narcs on you, he also narcs on me. That could leave me a little short."

"You want me to leave?"

"I didn't say that. I tell you to leave, Ty's goes. I'm not stupid. He cares an awful lot about you. You know that? I think he's in love with you."

"I think we care about each other."

"Yes. You both care about each other, but Ty will hang his ass out there for you. What will you do for him? How far will you hang it out there for Ty?"

"Stay with him if he asks."

"He asks. What will you do then?"

"Hang out."

"Until you're eighteen?"

"Maybe. Or dead."

"Look, kid. I'm going to lay it out here for you. Ty keeps me alive. If it weren't for him, I'd already be dead. My family disowned me when they found out I was gay. You know that story. When I was dying, Ty was the one that saved my life. That's why he is here."

He seemed to look inward.

"We dated . . . ."

Walt paused a long moment, recalling better times.

"I used to buy Ty. He used to hustle me. I liked him and thought that was the only way to have his company. That was a couple of years ago. Now I found out he truly likes me. Cause I never treated him like meat. I took him to eat and brought him up here to clean up and stuff. Now, I can't live without him. I've signed over my insurance policy to him. A few hundred thousand. It won't do a lot for him, but it will keep him alive awhile longer. He'll live maybe a few years. The apartment will be his. I tell you to leave, and he'll go with you. Of course he doesn't know about the insurance or the apartment. I don't want him helping me because he owes me. I want him to help me because he wants to help me. You understand?"

"Sure."

"So, here we are. I got a runaway the cops are looking for and a throw away that the cops will take if they come up here. I doubt they'll bother me. They don't want an AIDS patient down in the lockup. I just think you'd be wise cutting Ty some slack. If you care about him, let him have a life. Don't drag him back to the gutter with you. I know you can. If it's important for you to do that, I'm telling you he'll go. Ty thinks he loves you. I think he loves you. He just doesn't need you right now. It's not in his best interest.” He paused, and drew a long breath.

"That's it. Everything I had to say. Don't get me wrong, Billie Joe. You're a nice kid. You should go home because that is where you belong. This is Ty's home now. Don't take him away from it. I'm asking you to leave, but I want you to go home. I want to know you're safe. I want Ty to know you're safe. He'll look for you if you just go off. That's not an option. I'd rather have you stay here than go back to the street, but it's going to come to the door one day, and then we'll all be shit out of luck."

I was surprised. Walt was very honest about his feelings. He went to a closet and dragged out a green box with a lock on it. He unlocked it and flipped the lid back. He set down some official looking documents in front of me. "I had these done while Ty was out one day. My friend is an attorney. This tells the insurance company Ty is my only beneficiary. This one shows Ty as the co-owner of the apartment. There is a little money in the bank accounts, but it will mostly be gone by the time I'm gone. That will leave the insurance policy to take care of Ty. Maybe when you are eighteen you can come back and live with him here. I would like to know Ty had someone with him at the end. I don't want to think he stayed with me until I died and then he died alone. I don't want to think about that."

"Maybe he won't die. Maybe they'll find a cure." "Wishing and hoping are nice, Billie Joe. Reality says we are both going to die soon. At least I had some kind of a life. I had twenty good years out in the world. I loved and was loved. Maybe longevity wasn't one of the big things for me, but I had my share of love. I hope Ty can find that at least once. He's so young. He'll miss out on so much." Slowly, he replaced the documents in the green box and locked it.

"Well, I can't dwell on that. I want you to know that Ty will be taken care of financially, but I can't do anything about the other stuff. He was the only one that cared, and I want him to know I cared about him. This is between you and me, of course."

He sat back and looked at me very straight.

"I know you'll make the right decision."

"You are putting me in a corner."

"Yes. I guess I am. I'm making you make the decision. It's the only decision that gives everyone exactly what they need."

"You mean my going home. Ty staying here with you." "You going home. Ty staying here with me. Exactly." "You were handsome?"

"No. Cute when I was younger. I was never a prize. I did okay. Sometimes it is best not to be too handsome. You never know if some one wants to be with you or to be seen with you. I never had that problem."

"What did you do?"

"I was an insurance account executive."

"Wow! Sounds pretty important."

"I sold insurance. From a fancy office, though. No door-to-door shit."

"You make a lot of money?"

"Not so much I couldn't spend it all between paydays." "I don't know what I want to do."

"Go back to school and you'll have a better shot at figuring it out."

"How'd you get it? AIDS."

"I think it was about four years ago. I'd been with a guy for seven years. We broke up. I didn't like the bars or clubs. I liked the baths. It was around the time they closed them, but they didn't close them soon enough. I got into drugs and alcohol. Feeling lonely and alone, I couldn't stand it. I went to the baths and had sex with four of five guys at the same time. I mean sucking, fucking, the whole nine yard orgy." I thought of my time in the hotel with sex in every hand and orifice.

Walt continued. "It only lasted a few weeks, maybe a month, then I stopped feeling so worthless. All these guys wanting me made me feel better about myself. Of course, it also killed me. It was an expensive way to get over being alone."

"So you got it by doing it with a lot of guys?"

I leaned my chin on the backs of my hands on the table, looking up at Walt as he remembered his past. I remembered the nights in the hotel doing it with people I didn't even know or remember.

"You can get it by doing it with just one person if that person has it."

"I mean it is more likely if you did this for, say, just four or five days, or less likely than the way you did it." "What do you mean?"

"Say a guy got drugged up and spent a few days fucking and sucking everybody in sight. Would he be more likely to get it that way, or the way you did it with the bath thing?"

"You don't understand, Billie Joe. You get it by doing it with someone that's got it. You can do it with a hundred guys a night and won't get it if they don't have it. You do it with one guy and he's got it, you got it, or it's likely you got it. It doesn't pass every time. Some guys don't get it as easy as others."

"Say I did it with some guys I didn't know. What would be the chance I got it?"

I watched Walt's eyes widen. He tensed up and a god-awful look came on his face. He was watching my face for expression and meaning.

"Ty said you were clean. You hadn't done anything to get it. Have you, Billie Joe? Are you telling my you're that guy doing it with everyone in sight?"

"I think so. I think I might have it."

Walt got up and came around the table hugging me weakly to his side. I could feel him sob a couple of times as he held my face against his shirt.

"I'm sorry, Billie Joe. I didn't know. Ty said . . . . I didn't think you would go that far down in such a short time. I mean I didn't really think at all. You've got to be tested. Not now. It's too soon. Six months. You've got to be tested in six months. If you want to stay with us, that's okay. I won't force you out. Not now. I won't do that. We'll just take the chance together. One of us goes down, we'll all go down. I know that's the way Ty would want it. We'll have to talk to him. Does he know anything."

"He won't even listen to me. He keeps telling me to shut up. I tried to tell him about it."

"He loves you, Billie Joe. He wanted to get you out of here safe. I guess maybe he can't do that now. I'm sorry, Billie Joe."

"I did it with a lot of guys. I mean I didn't want to take it up the butt, but it happened one night. I didn't think it much mattered after that. I mean I was like you at the baths, trying not to be alone. I didn't plan to do it."

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"It just happened."

"Drugs and alcohol have killed a lot of people. They get fucked up and do something stupid like you did. That's how you get it. It only takes one stupid night. You're so young, Billie Joe. You still need to go home. You need to be somewhere where you can get treatment. If we try to get you treated here, they'll just take you into custody. You're too young to get treatment without your parents. You still need to go home."

"I don't know if I can, Walt. I might be better off on the streets. My parents'll kill me."

He walked back around and sat down in his chair. He wiped tears from his eyes.

"I don't know how to go home. I don't want to just go to the cops," I said.

"Maybe you could give me the phone number. I'll see what I can do. I'll tell them I can contact you. I'll tell them that you’re a friend of a friend, and I'll try to talk you into talking with them."

"There's a reward."

"A reward? You're parents want you back pretty bad." "I guess. They never seemed to care much when I was there. I never did much right."

"It gets better, Billie Joe."

"Yeah, that’s what they said."

Walt started laughing and shaking his head.

"August twenty second was the night you came. Today is August twenty sixth."

"Guess I missed it. Does that mean I'm fifteen another year?"

"I don't think it works that way.”

“I’m not sixteen. I’m seventeen. I can’t lie to you. I don’t need to lie any longer. I was seventeen four days ago, but when I came up here, I literally didn’t know what day it was. I do now and I have you to thank for it.

“I don’t tell the truth about my age either,” Walt said, giving me a big smile. “We'll send Ty out for some cake and ice cream. We can’t let your birthday pass unrecognized. It’s bad luck no matter how old you admit to. I told Ty I was Twenty-seven when we met. I was Thirty-seven. He didn’t care. He’s a prince."

"You got to be kidding. I'll be lucky to get out of my room by seventeen. I'll be on restriction from now until I'm forty if I go home."

"You give me your home phone number. I'll try to make peace for you. I'll talk to Todd. He'll see to it they don't get abusive. He's pretty well respected around town. He looks after the hopeless kids if he can get them to stand still for it. The gay ones are hardest to reach. They don’t trust anyone. He lost one when he first started. He never got over that. Always thought it was his fault. Now there isn't anything he won't try to help a kid."

"He gay?"

"No. I don't think so. I don't know. Never asked him. Subject never came up."

Ty came back a few minutes later, shortly after Walt put the box away in the top of the closet. He brought a half gallon of peach and a half gallon of rocky road because he knew that was my favorite.

"You've got to go back out, Ty."

"What? What did you forget to tell me?"

"Birthday cake. Our boy here was seventeen four days ago."

"That was the night I brought him home?"

"Yep."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know what day it was. Wasn't sure what month it was. Never thought about it."

"He's going with me. I'm not walking back down there alone."

"Yeah. I'm okay. You boys go ahead. Here's a few extra dollars. Stop at the bakery and get something real nice. That's a lot closer. Better bring some milk back. I want some whole milk with my birthday cake. How about you, Billie Joe? That sound good to you. We'll have a party."

"Milk sounds great. Party sounds good," I answered.

We went back down the stairs and headed for the bakery.

“You really seventeen or are you whatever age you say you are?”

“I couldn’t lie to him. I’m seventeen these past four days.”

“Cool,” Ty said with a smile.

Chapter 20

Stepping Back From The Abyss

My cake was chocolate on chocolate with chocolate flowers decorating the top. Walt had just enough candles to get to seventeen. I watched him place the candles one-by-one on the cake after we finished dinner. His hand shook and the chore tired him out.

Each candle was a year, but I still wasn’t positive how old I really was. My lie about my age had permeated my brain over the time I’d spent on the street. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

They didn't look like much. There seemed to be far too few for the way I felt. I tried to remember the day I turned sixteen. I remembered Ralphie standing across from me with the beaming smile he always wore. I shut down the memory and forced myself back into the present. Ralphie had left me without a word and for that I couldn’t forgive him. Because of him I’d been to hell and back and he didn’t deserve a place in my memories, only I couldn’t keep him out.

My world was so much smaller then. I remembered myself being such a little boy a year ago. Not that I was so much bigger or so much wiser now, but there seemed to be no relationship from the then me to the present me. I felt like I had seen too much and gone too far from that little boy to ever find him again. I didn't know if I'd live to see another birthday. I wasn’t sure Walt would be alive either. It came to me that Ty might not be alive. A year ago I thought Ralphie would always be alive.

The value of life had changed, and in the next day the reality of my own mortality was going to be made painfully clear.

There were no presents, and yet there was a gift I couldn't touch or see. I completed the ceremony of blowing out the candles after Ty lit them with a torch of a lighter. They could tell I had no enthusiasm for anything more. We ate cake and ice cream in smiling silence.

I ate a second piece with more ice cream. For days now I felt like I couldn't get enough to eat. I worried I'd weigh a ton by the time I was seventeen. I made no attempt to curb my eating habits. I ate everything I could get my hands on, and even after I was full. I ate because I could. I kept eating because I could.

"Ty, Billie Joe has given me his home phone number. Tomorrow I'll call and see if I can open the door to getting him back home."

"Good! Maybe I should talk to Todd."

"Yes! I think we better let Todd know what we are doing. That way we can stay out of trouble if his family is looking for someone to blame."

"I'm to blame. They're to blame. Don't worry. I'll straighten that out," I said.

"Some people don't want things straightening out. We need to cover our ass here," Walt said.

We listened to more sixties music and I sat with my legs tucked under me on the corner of the couch. I wondered what that first meeting would be like. I didn't look forward to hours of traveling and knowing at the end I’d need to face my parents. What was I going to say? How was I going to explain where I'd been and what I had done? How much did they already know? Did I keep lying or was it time to try to recover what was left of my soul?

Bad things always come right away. I'd have to wait for Carl for almost forever. The next morning Walt sat in his easy chair with the phone on his lap and my parents phone number in his hand. I sat on one side of the couch, Ty sat on the other side. My feet were tucked up under me and my mind was rushing inside my head but it was blank. There was only a cold fear that lay in the pit of my stomach. My brain wasn't able to settle on anything but the phone and where I knew it led. In this case it led directly to dread.

The phone must have rung ten times on the other end.

"Hello, I'm Walter Amos Rhodes. No, you don't know me. No, sir. If you'll give me a second I'll explain. I'm calling you from San Francisco. Yes, I do. Yes, I have. He's okay. That's why I'm calling you, Mr. Walker."

"Mr. Walker. . . . Mr. Walker! If you'll listen I'll explain to you why I'm calling. . . . Mr. Walker?"

Walt held the receiver of the phone, with its sound of angry bees, down to his chest. He looked at my face. He tried to smile, but it didn't take. He put the receiver back to his ear.

"Yes. I'm still here. If you'll give me a chance. Yes, I know you can have me arrested. Yes, sir, I know you know people in San Francisco. One of them is your son, Mr. Walker, and if you'll listen to me for a minute maybe we can get Billie Joe home where he belongs. Thank you."

"No, I don't know where he's at right now. I know someone that knows him. A friend of mine is quite close with people Billie Joe knows. Yes, I've seen him. He gave me your phone number. He's afraid to call you himself. Mr. Walker you'll have to ask yourself why he is afraid to talk to you. I'm merely in the middle of this thing. I'd like to get him home and off the streets. That's my only interest here."

"Yes, I know there is a reward. No, I don't expect to collect it. That would go to Ty Pruett. He'll set up the final details. He's the one who knows Billie Joe."

"I just know he's willing to return home if you aren't going to make it too tough on him. That's why I'm calling you."

"No, I won't give you my number. You'd have the police up here in half an hour."

He listened to more of the angry buzz.

"Your phone may have been tapped two months ago, but I doubt there is still a tap on after this length of time. The police have better things to do. All I want to do is get him home to you Mr. Walker.

"I'll tell you what. I will call you tomorrow at this time. Todd Dorsey is a social worker in San Francisco. He knows about Billie Joe. He also knows Ty very well. I think between the two of them we can get him to come in. We can get him home to you. You wait for my call at this time tomorrow. I'll see what we can set up. You can trust Todd. He gets kids home to where they belong all the time. It's his job."

He listened again for a moment, and then said, "You have a nice day too, sir. Yes, very nice talking to you."

Walt hung the phone up. He looked at me squirming on the couch. Quite an old man you got there."

"Ain't that the truth! He was pretty mad?"

"I guess. I don't really know. He tried to do all the talking. Wanted to tell me all he could do."

"That's my dad. He's always in control."

"We'll get Todd on it tomorrow. He won't be overpowered. I don't have the time to argue."

The hours had grown intolerably long. I didn't sleep much that night. I spent most of my time in the kitchen drinking ice water and worrying. Ty kept getting up to see if I was okay. My stomach was all turned upside down, and I just wanted to get it over with. A couple of times I almost left the apartment, but I couldn't. I couldn't face the street again. Being warm, well fed and comfortable was more addictive than the streets. They had lost all of their allure.

Todd came over at ten the next morning. He was overjoyed that I was going home. We sat around the dinning room table and drank coffee. Walt tried to explain the conversation from the day before. Then the talk took a serious turn.

"There are complications about him going home, Todd," Walt said.

"Wait a minute. He's not backing out?"

"I don't think so. If they agree not to chain him to his bedroom wall, I think he'll go for almost anything else. It's just I talked to his father. I don't know how he's going to handle it."

Todd looked puzzled. "He's offered a reward. He's been in touch with the police, social services, offered to come out the day they found his things up at the motel. He seems to want him back. What are you talking about?"

Walt turned to me with solemn eyes. "Billie Joe, I know what you told me was in confidence, but Todd's a confidential kind of guy. He could have busted you from the get-go. I think you better talk to him about what we talked about."

"No, I don't think I should."

"It's up to you to tell him, or I will. We are talking some serious shit here."

"I'm going out," Ty said.

"Please stay," I said. "You're my only protection from these two."

"I don't want to hear this, Billie Joe."

"Truth hurts, Ty." I gulped air to ease my chest. "I'm sorry. You did your best."

"I should have kicked your ass right off. I should have forced you to go home instead of lettin’ you be gettin’ all up inside my head. I tried to keep you out of it." His face screwed up with anguish. "I tried."

Todd watched us with a puzzled face. "Look you guys, I'm a bit lost here. What's this all about."

"Billie Joe's going to need to do some watching when he gets home," Walt said. "I don't think Mr. Walker is the kind of man that wants to hear this. I sure as hell won't tell him. I don't even want to see him. I already talked to him."

"Wait. Wait. Ty, you said Billie Joe was safe. Careful." "Look, Todd, when he was around me. I kept him careful. I don't know anything about this, I don't even want to know," Ty said.

"It was after Ty came up to help Walt. After the police came and Gene and I escaped. I holed up with him a few days. Then we holed up back at the hotel. Me and five or six guys. People were coming and going." I took in more air. "I started doing drugs with them. I mean all the time. I was stoned for a week or so, I guess. Four days? It could have been two weeks. I don't remember much."

"Shit!" Todd said. "I see where this is going. Jesus Christ! I got to face this man and tell him that? I can see why you don't want to see him Walt."

"How many?" Ty's voice was low.

"How many what?"

"How many guys were you with in this maybe four days, maybe a week, maybe two week period of time?"

"I don't know. Five? Ten? Twenty? I don't know. They came and went. There were five or six of us staying there. Sharon brought guys up. They partied with us. I don't know. I did it with all of them I guess."

"Jesus Fucking Christ! You ever think about AIDS boy?"

"No, sir. I didn't think about anything."

"Jesus Fucking Christ!! How many since? How many you been with since you left that party at the hotel?"

"None. Nobody I done nothin with."

"Good. At least that's something. You aren't spreading it." "Tell him the truth Billie Joe. He ain't fuckin around here. Tell him about the guys you was gettin in with when I found you."

"No. I didn't do anything. They just wanted to blow me for money. It was only two. That was only a few. I wasn't doing no sex with anyone but Fred. I don't remember how many I got in with."

"You mean you were doing Fred?" Todd walked around in circles with his hands on his hips.

"He was up there at the party for the same amount of time I was. We were doing it together all the time after the party."

"He do it with all those guys too?"

"No. I don't think so. There was one guy. Gil. They were doing it, and maybe others. I really didn't have much time to worry about Fred. I kept pretty busy."

"How many guys did you hustle?"

"I don't remember."

"Shit! What kind of cars? What do you remember?"

"We were still doing drugs. Fred and me. I couldn't do anything mostly. I faked like I was. I don't know how many. One kid. Shiny car. Green Pontiac I think. I remember he was seventeen. He thought I was older than he was. He's the only one I liked."

"What did you do?"

"He blew me."

"You orgasm?"

"Yeah! I told you I liked him. It's what he wanted."

"Jesus Fucking Christ! What's this kid's name? Green Pontiac. Do you remember the tag?"

"I don't even remember what day it was."

"Look, you little shit," Todd exploded. “Don't you know what you've done? Don't you know you are infecting people with this shit if you got it? Don't you know this seventeen year old might have AIDS because of you? Don't you know this is no game? Look around you, Billie Joe! See him?" He jerked his head toward Walt. "He's dying of AIDS. He darted his eyes at Ty. " See him? He's going to be dying of AIDS. You might be going down that same road. That seventeen year old kid you liked might be going down that road with you. That's what this is about!" He fell back on the sofa, his eyes glaring with exasperation.

It was like being hit by a boxer in rapid fire punches. The reality had never struck me. I mean I knew Walt was dying and I felt sorry for that. I felt sorry Ty said he was going to die, but the possibility of my getting it and of my giving it to others had never once entered my mind. Not until that very instant. The realization shocked me.

"Did the boy tell you his name?"

"I don't remember."

We sat around waiting for eleven o'clock. Todd grew very very quiet. I think I preferred him ranting and raving to the silence. At exactly eleven o'clock he looked at his watch. He picked up the phone and dialed.

"Mr. Walker please. Todd Dorsey here. I think you were expecting my call. Yes, sir. I am in touch with the boy that knows Billie Joe. I've spoken to Billie Joe. Yes, sir. He is willing to come home."

My father's voice was a tiny tinny sound at his ear.

"You will. Yes, sir. I think I can set that up. I'll give you my numbers. Yes, sir. You call me and let me know when. Yes, sir. I'm working on it right now. Yes, sir."

Todd paused and listened again to my dad for a moment.

"Mr. Walker, there are some things we've got to talk about. Well, number one, Billie Joe is under my jurisdiction. I feel a responsibility when I get a boy home to see he's treated fair. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I understand, Mr. Walker. My main aim is to see they aren't abused once they return. If we can get him back to you, and you have a mind to be fair, we might be able to keep him home until he's eighteen. That's my only concern. I don't want him out here on my streets again in a few weeks."

"Well, first, I'll contact the social services authorities there. They'll be asked to check on him and report back to me. I want him to be safe and able to get his life back in the right direction. We like to have the co-operation of the parents. Yes, sir. I know they are a handful, sir. We know discipline is needed as part of the answer. Maybe a few therapy sessions to help him readjust, Mr. Walker. We find that to be helpful."

He listened again for a longer period. "I don't think you understand, Mr. Walker. Your boy has been living on the streets. There are no rules on the streets. Once these kids get out there, it's really hard to get them home again. We're lucky with Billie Joe. If you push him, he'll be gone in a Minneapolis minute, Mr. Walker. I work with these kids every day. I know once they are on the street it's hard getting them off."

He listened a minute. "Yes, sir. It's hard keeping them off. It's going to take some effort on your part. You can keep him home, or you can run him right back to me."

Todd looked at me and raised his eyebrows.

"There is one more thing. I really don't know how to say this. It's just come to my attention, and well, as his parent, I can't keep this from you. There will have to be testing when he gets home. STD's, Mr. Walker. That's tests for Sexually Transmitted Diseases, sir. I'm afraid so. It's how they survive. Mr. Walker. Mr. Walker. Please, Mr. Walker, listen to what I have to say. AIDS, Mr. Walker. Billie Joe will need to be tested for the AIDS virus. I would suggest immediately and then every couple of months for six months. Some people show it pretty fast, and others take as much as six months to develop the antibodies. I'll make sure you get all the information you need. I'll take care of that myself.

"I know, sir. I wish I didn't have to. We're talking your son's life now. It's better to be safe than sorry, sir. Yes, sir. Well, you call my office or my pager number. You can leave a message or I'll call you back if you like. You can give me the details and I can set everything up. No, sir. No. I don't think it's necessary to keep him locked up. He's in a safe house and he's ready to go home, sir. Yes, sir. Good-bye."

Todd wiped the sweat from his forehead and looked at me. "He's coming for you. He'll fly here as quick as he can get a flight. He thinks it will be tomorrow before he can get out of there. He says he could go to O'Hare, but he thinks it will be better to get you right back home without a lot of extra traveling."

"He mad?"

"That's not a word I'd use. Your father is not a happy camper. I'll do what I can, but he sounds like a pretty strong-willed man. I don't think life on the farm will be the same for you."

"Didn't expect it to be. What about the AIDS thing?"

"I think that threw him. He tried to tell me all the ways you could get AIDS. He left out sex. I'm afraid your father isn't ready for thinking about his little boy being in the middle of an orgy. I don't know if I'm ready for that. You're going to have a problem answering his questions. I'll do what I can for you."

He drew a deep breath, relaxing the tension that had built up while he talked to my father.

"He'll be here as soon as he can get here. I'll call Walt as quick as your father calls me. Let's just stay close to the house. I'll go see about setting Fred up for testing. I was afraid of this."

"What are my chances?" I asked.

"Chances of getting it or chances of not getting it?"

"Either."

"Billie Joe, the more risks you take the more likely you are to get it. Most of the kids up in that hotel have it. That means you've been exposed. The chances you've got it are good. Maybe you'll be lucky. It happens, but unprotected sex with half a dozen to a dozen partners . . . well, you are on a thin rope young man."

"What about the kid I was with?"

"If it was a one shot deal, and you'd just been exposed, his odds are a lot better than yours. We just don't know how quickly it spreads, but indications are in the first few days after you are exposed, you are probably most infectious. The virus particles and antibodies are multiplying at a tremendous rate just after they enter the body. Then it slows down and takes up to six months to finally show up. For the next six months you'll have to be monitored."

"How long if I got it? How long will I live?"

"Hard to say. That's the hardest part of the entire equation. The people getting it now seem to be living longer with it. AZT and some other drugs are slowing it down. There are better treatments for the opportunistic infections. It's an unknown. You could be dead in a year. You could still be going strong in ten years. There just is no way to give you an answer."

"His name was Danny, but he didn't do anything. I remember now. I did it to him. I was still pretty high at the time. He thought I was nice. He was just a kid."

"Good. At least you don't have that on your conscience and I won't have to be looking for him. It won't be easy, Billie Joe, but you are doing the right thing. You get your life back under control. Go Home. Take your medicine. Finish school. Then come back to San Francisco. I don't want to ever catch you out on my streets again, but you can stop by and say 'Hi' once you graduate high school."

"I just might do that. I think I'll stay home, now. I've found out what I wanted to know."

"What's that?" Todd asked.

"It sucks. The streets suck. Most of the people suck. There are a few cool dudes, but most just want to use you."

"They couldn't use you if you weren't out there. That's what I'm up against every day. You just go home and straighten your life out. It will be hard at first, but you'll settle back in."

"Ty, you knew Harvey didn't you?"

"Yeah! Little prick! Loud mouth."

"They found him dead up near the park."

"Someone did him?"

"No. It was AIDS. They had him in custody after the motel raid. They put him up in the hospital. He had pneumonia so they say. He walked out. Found him a few days later up near the park. Natural causes. If you can call AIDS natural causes. That's what happens when you don't take the meds. Harvey was a hardhead."

He grimaced and looked into the distance, superimposing the past on the present. "No longer."

I thought about Harvey. I thought about Dennis and John. I thought about all the guys I was with up in the hotel. I wondered about Tim and Tony. Gene and Don. Bryce and Gil. How many of us would be dead this time next year? How many of us would be infected? Their faces made trips back and forth through my brain. I felt weak and empty and even sorry for Harvey. I didn't like him. I didn't like the way he was, but he didn't deserve to die. I didn't much like the way I was either.

Todd talked with Walt and Ty for a while. I just sat and pretended to listen, but my mind was rushing a million miles a second. I tried to remember the faces of the people I'd been with those nights in the hotel. I could remember a lot of details, but mostly I had been concerned with areas other than faces. I always lost count at ten or eleven. I knew I'd been with at least that many.

The thought that those few hours of sex could cost me my life seemed contradictory. How could something that gave me that much pleasure be deadly? Now I had to worry about touching anyone else. For six months I'd have to be careful of everyone I got close to. I couldn't allow myself to become involved with anyone sexually. That was going to be the hardest thing of all. I still wanted to be able to have sex.

But of course I would be in Minnesota . . . and no one had sex in Minnesota. Not so's you'd notice anyway.

Chapter 21

Belly Of The Beast

I couldn't wait for Todd to leave. I didn't think I liked him. He was big and powerful and didn't seem to like me. Ty was silent and stayed seated opposite me. Walt sat in his easy chair, looking brighter and showing some color coming back to his pasty skin. He stared out the long window where the sun brightened all the buildings surrounding us. He seemed lost some place in distant thought or reflection. Then he turned and looked at me before signaling to me with a raised eyebrow and a come-over-here jerk of his head.

I stood up and crossed the floor until I stood in front of him. He looked up at me like I might be tall. His eyes were hollow but they sparkled black inside his head. A smile crossed his lips as he extended his arms towards me as an indication he wanted a hug, or to give me one, and as I fought away my instinct that said "don't touch him," I found myself crying in his arms. He patted my head and brushed my hair as if I were his favorite puppy. He held me tight against his skinny chest and I sobbed.

"It will be okay, Billie Joe. You might not have it at all. We must look to the bright side of this. I could be dead, but I'm not. Now I'm taking medication that seems to be working. It's stopped my fall. You aren't even diagnosed. You aren't even sick. You've just got to be careful. You've got to be careful about other people's lives as well as your own. None of us wants to wish this on anyone else. It's truly a plague, and not God's plague, Billie Joe. It's a germ and a disease. Don't corrupt God with the thought he is punishing you. I blamed Him you know. I believed the fanatics that said he made us sick. I cursed God, but you know what, he didn't listen to me. He gave me AZT when he could have let me die. You see that's how I know it's not a plague from him. He's on our side. Your side. Pray you don't have it, Billie Joe."

"I don't believe in God," I said, snuffling.

"What do you believe in?"

I wiped my nose and sat back beside him, out of his embrace but not out of touch.

"Nothing. I believe in life. I believe in living."

"You think all this was a huge accident? We're just so much protoplasm stacked up? Just dust in the wind, Billie Joe? Is that what you think we are? You think we reason and experience intense feeling by accident? You think birth is an accident? A flower? A tree? A star? The song of a bird?"

"Yes . . . . I don't know."

"Ah, hah! See, you just don't know. It's okay. Whatever you feel is the right God gave you to feel. You don't have to accept him. Just give him a little room. He'll be there for you in the end."

"He's never been there yet."

"Never? Not one place where something happened that helped you out big time, and you don't know how it exactly did happen? Things were just going all sour, and then all of a sudden you found an out? Got clear of it?"

"Maybe."

"Ah, hah! Maybe? Maybe someone was looking over you, boy." "I don't feel like that."

"It's okay. You don't have to, but when you get in the next fix . . . and you will, Billie Joe . . . I've seen you in action . . . when you paint yourself into a corner, remember when you get out of it. Think about how you solved the problem and got out of it. That's God at his best."

I looked up at Walt's face. It was serene and innocent like a child's face. Like my face had never been. I'd never felt very innocent. I'd always felt bad about myself. How could God allow that? No! I wasn't buying it. Life is what happens to you. No one cares. No one's watching over you. You get by. That's all!

"You go home and make the best of it. You get in a bind, well, I'm not telling you you can stay here with me, but if you showed up at my door and said you couldn't possibly live at home, I'd consider letting you live here with Ty and me. We'd talk to Todd and ask his help, but I wouldn't let you go back to the street, Billie Joe. I want you to know that."

My voice was low. "That's cool."

"You are going home then?"

"Yeah!" I took in air. "I'm ready to go home. I need to be in school. I can't make it without high school."

"That's smart thinking. You do need that diploma. You've got to make a future for yourself."

"What future? If I got it, I'm dead."

"You don't have it yet. You might not have it. Think positive. Just be careful and try to make it at home. It is where you belong for a few more years. Your parents must want you. They've put out a reward to find you."

"Yeah! Hard to explain to their friends why their pride and joy took a powder."

"You're a cynic. Your parents love you. I'll guarantee it."

"They've never bothered to clue me in on that fact. I'm just a gigantic pain in their asses most of the time. Never did anything right, and never will."

"They just want the best for you." He leaned back. "You just said you were their Pride and Joy!"

"They don't even know me."

"Perhaps it is time you told them who you are. Quit waiting for them to come to you. Ask them what the problem is. Ask them why they make you feel like they make you feel, and why you make them feel like they feel. Speak up."

"You talked to my old man. You don't ask him anything. You listen and you better jump when he says jump. That's why I'm always up against it. I stopped jumping. I just tune them out mostly."

"You're going to have a new start. Take it to them. You've survived on the streets. You can do anything! It takes courage and guts to do that. Don't take it from them. Take it to them. Talk to them."

"Sure. Right after I get out of my room in ten years."

"Cut it out. Sure you're going to be punished, but I'd punish you if you were my son."

"I guess."

"You need to go home and make a fresh start. Put the past behind you. Get the punishment and the anger out of the way. Yours as well as your parents'. Then start over. You should have a better view of what you want and what you need to be happy. Don't just sit there and act like you can't make your wishes known. Tell them when they fuck up. Speak up for yourself. Don't let it get so bad you need to run away again. That won't solve any problems."

For the first time I felt a real attachment to Walt. Until then, he had been just the sick guy who let Ty live in his apartment. He treated me well, but we were not connected. From that moment there was something he gave me that I can't explain. I knew we both could face an uncertain death. There was the AIDS connection, of course, but more. Much more. Many times that afternoon I climbed back up into his arms. He stroked my head and held me without expectation or demand. As with myself, I'm sure he needed to hold me as much as I needed to be held, but now, in that time and place, somehow I belonged.

Seldom in my life had I felt like I belonged anywhere. I was always the outsider, the fifth wheel. I never fit in anywhere I'd ever been. Except with Carl. He made me feel like I belonged to him and with him. I was a million miles from Carl and those few nights in Seattle. I clung to Walt and wondered if Carl and I would ever be together again.

Todd came late the following morning. There wasn't much said. Ty stood to the side when Todd took me out. We were going to the police station where my father would pick me up. My father had rented a car from the airport and drove into San Francisco. We were leaving in four hours to return to Minneapolis. Todd said nothing. He parked at the front of the police station in the no parking area with the yellow lines marking off the forbidden zone. We walked up the steps. I stayed four steps behind him. He was huge. I got to the door and stopped. I felt a tremendous rush of fear come over me. I looked to the bottom of the stairs where the police cars parked. Uniformed officers trotted up and down around me. I looked up toward Castro and back at the door where Todd had disappeared. My legs shook and I wasn't sure if I wanted to run or not. I wanted to cry. I did not want to face my father.

The door swung open and Todd had my arm again before I could decide what to do.

"Don't even think about it. It's too late to back out now, kid. You're on your way home."

My father stood as we came through the second set of doors. I shook as he glared at me long and hard. I stood behind Todd so he couldn't see me completely and so I couldn't see his face. He did not move but stood there, glaring.

"Boy. Say hello to your father."

Todd moved away from me, exposing me to inspection as he and my father now both looked at me.

My eyes immediately went to the floor. My knees trembled. "What happened to him?" My father said to Todd.

"The street."

"He looks older. So much bigger than he was."

"Your son's growing up, Mr. Walker. You haven't seen him in months. You didn't know if he was dead or alive. Of course he's changed. Can't we have a little hug here or something."

My father and I never touched one another when I wasn't getting spanked or the back of his hand. He hesitated as he stepped forward. He almost closed the distance between us, and then he put his hand out to me to keep the safety zone. I gripped it, remembering what Walt had told me. I stood tall and gripped his hand with equal force and looked slowly up into his eyes. I don't ever remember looking into my father's eyes before. Not once. They were cold and angry eyes.

"Billie Joe," my father said in a cool, cool voice.

I nodded.

"I'm telling you now, Mr. Walker, I'm going to follow up on this. I've contacted the authorities in Minneapolis. I've told them what my evaluation is. I've told them what I want to see done for Billie Joe to keep him home. They are going to ask your cooperation. There are two things I don't want, Mr. Walker. There are two things I won't tolerate. Number one, don't let me hear from Billie Joe. Don't let him have to call me and tell me your heart isn't in this home coming. Don't let me catch this boy back on my streets, Mr. Walker. You don't want that to happen. I'm not sure what I'd do if I found him back on my streets before he's ready to come for a visit when he's eighteen.”

Todd paused and looked at me.

"You got a good boy here. He's smart. You better give him a hug now and again. You don't know how long he's going to be around. I'd hate to see you want to hug him after he's gone."

He made a dismissive gesture.

"That's it. That's all. I'm out of it. You two better make an effort. That's all."

Todd paused and looked at us both again, as if to fix a memory, and in dismissal.

"That's all. Make an effort."

He turned and walked back out through the doors. My father walked toward a rear entrance. He turned his head and looked at me as I stood there. He gave me the hard look I always got when I was fucking up. I knew he expected me to follow him. I looked at the front doors one more time. I knew Todd would now be standing at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for me to run. I followed my father out to the red rent-a-car.

"Our plane leaves in a little over three hours. Is there somewhere I can get something to eat?"

"Yes, sir," I said, as he backed the car out and made it lurch when he braked and put it into gear.

"Where?"

"Left. Up the hill."

"You know how worried your mother is? You know what you've put us through?"

I smiled in amusement. Not because he was saying something funny, but because it had taken him only three minutes to start telling me what a terribly disappointing son I was. The marvelous thing about these tirades is that long ago I learned to tune them out. I always felt that the pressure and the air weighed down on me and forced the air almost out of me while he went into tiresome detail about each of my indiscretions back as far as time permitted. This time was different. I not only tuned him out, but it didn't bother me to have him doing what he always did. I thought maybe I didn't care. My father's power over me was gone. I once more thought of Walt's words and smiled. I could stand up for myself. I didn't have to be beat down any longer.

In my nicest voice I interrupted him in mid sentence, "Where's my bag."

"What," he said, surprised by the interruption.

"My bag. They said the police had my bag. Didn't they give it to you."

"I put it in the trunk."

"I want it."

"You'll get it at the airport."

"I want my bag."

"You'll get it at the airport."

"I want my fucking bag," I screamed insanely, like this was some battle over life and death.

The brakes of the car shrieked as the car slid to the curb and bounced hard enough to put the front right tire almost over it. I waited for the hand or fist but heard the door opening far too hard. The trunk lid bounced the car as it sprung open and then slammed shut. I felt myself shaking as I saw my father's form standing at the door. The bag came sailing at my head and the cloth handle smacked me across the face as I deflected it with my hand. My father threw himself into the seat, the back of his hand knocked my head back against the door jam with a thud.

He said in an angry low growl, "Don't you ever talk to me that way again. I'm your father."

I ignored him and rifled through the bag. Carl's picture was out and on top of the letter. The envelope was all torn and tattered. I'd kept it carefully in the pocket where it would stay protected. I looked at Carl's picture and my father looked at me looking at the picture.

"Who's that?"

"A friend."

I finished going through my things. I turned each sock inside out. "Where is it?"

"Where is it what," he said, as he looked in the mirror and pulled back out into the street.

"My money. I want my fucking money. Todd said the cops had it," I yelled. He reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and a dozen bills slapped me in the face and cascaded onto the floor. As I bent to collect them a handful of coins hit me and followed the bills rattling all over my side of the car. I collected all that I could find. There was a hundred and twenty eight dollars in bills, and several dollars in coins.

"Where'd you get all that money?"

"I made it."

My father glared at me in a quick glance and then stared out through the windshield.

"Where's this restaurant?"

"Up top to Lombard. Make a left. It's still a ways up."

"Look, Billie Joe. Your mother needs you home. She wants you home."

"What about you?"

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"Why?"

My father drove awhile. He acted like I was no longer there. He watched the mirrors more than necessary. Much out of character he held both hands on the wheel, I suspected in order to keep from pummeling me. I took off the too big shoes with the white tops and put on my tennis shoes. He cleared his throat several times. After awhile, he spoke once more, trying to pace his words and to speak in a soft tone.

"Your mother wants you home. She blames me for this. Your mother's going to leave me if I come back without you. Is that what you want? Do you want to break your family up? Is that it? Do you really hate us that much?"

"Why do you hate me, Dad? Why haven't you ever done anything with me, Dad? A ball game, Dad? Fishing, Dad? A long father and son talk, Dad? Why is it so hard for you to love me, Dad? Why haven't you ever done anything with me as your son, Dad?"

I jerked each "dad" out of my mouth in a mocking twisting disrespectful tone.

"It's how I was raised," he said. He paused for a moment, looking straight ahead at the road.

"I want you home. Your mother wants you home. That's it."

"I've got two stops to make. One on the way to the restaurant, and one after you get there. You can take me, or I can get out and take myself. It's up to you."

"Where?" he said, resigned.

"Make a right instead of a left at Lombard. Next big intersection."

I guided my father down below the Castro and toward the old warehouses. We stopped at the end of all the deserted loading docks. My father looked alarmed and cautious as he gazed around at the vacant facility. I hopped out, leaving my bag on the passenger side floor. I could feel his eyes on me as I climbed the small hill and disappeared into the bushes.

"Jesus," I yelled out.

"Si," a voice came back.

Jesus stood up out of the box. He smiled when he saw me.

"Gene's boy friend. Hello, Billie Joe."

"Hi. I wanted to bring you your shoes back. I wanted to thank you for being nice to me. For helping me."

"Not always so nice," Jesus said, with sadness in his voice.

"Nice enough," I said, remembering the last time I saw him ranting and raving at Gene and me. I hugged him, and I could feel him tense up. His hands raised up to the sides of my arms, but it was obvious he couldn't return the hug. I smiled at him and knew he'd be shocked to find the twenty dollar bill in each shoe. I felt good about that. Jesus saved me for awhile. I couldn't leave without a thank you.

I took my father into the restaurant on the block. He seemed a bit skeptical when we passed all the strip joints and dirty book stores. It wasn't crowded and we took the booth in the back. The big guy in the apron acted like I wasn't there. I told my father I'd be back in a few minutes. He looked at me carefully but didn't say anything. I nodded at white apron as I left. I could tell he thought I was with a trick. Little did he know!

I prayed the hotel was open. It was. I slipped through the hole and tried to resist the irresistible smells that had my crotch stretching out for the first time in days. Sex hadn't entered my head since that first night at Walt's when I took care of myself. Now, all those feelings and yearnings came back on me. I climbed up the stairs. The lower levels were empty, and I wondered if everyone had cleared out, but when I got to the top, there on the rubber foam mattress were Tony, Tim, and Bryce.

I kneeled beside them and put my hand on Tim's stomach. He turned his head sleepily and his eyes stared at me vacantly. Then a sudden surge of recognition came on his face.

"Billie Joe. Where in hell have you been?"

I was immediately pulled into the center of the foam. Tim tore at my clothes and called Tony's name. Funny, as quick as Tim started touching me my cock went soft. I let my hand touch his solid body, as his hands rubbed and kneaded me, trying to get life into my best part, and finally putting his hand inside my pants. Tony wrapped his arms around me. Bryce rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

"Look," I said, with my hands exploring their erections, "I'm leaving. Going home."

They stopped with their activities and stared at me.

"You're going home?" Tim asked.

"Yeah! I got to get back to school. I need to get off the streets."

"Don't we all," Tim said. "Glad you can, Billie Joe. Maybe you'll make it. Donnie's dead."

"What?"

"Found him yesterday in an alley off 101. Strangled."

"No," I protested as my face ran hot with the knowledge.

"Yeah! Bryce came in last night. He'd been with Gene and Donnie. Then they got tricks, and next thing they knew . . . well . . . . Donnie was too brave. Cute kid. Too bad."

My stomach pitched as I thought about Gene. I knew he'd likely be torn apart by Donnie's death. It made me saddest for him. Donnie was out of it, but Gene would have to go on. There was no excitement or energy left in any of us. I took out the three twenties two fives and a ten dollar bill. I handed them to Tim.

"What's this for?"

"You."

"Why?"

"Cause I got it. I'm going home. I won't need it. It belongs here. You guys fed me, protected me, loved me. I'll never forget you. I enjoyed being with you more than anyone out here. You guys are cool."

"You don't have to do this, Billie Joe," Tony said.

"Treat yourselves and think of me. Remember that I care about you."

I was on my way down stairs before they could get up or protest further. I leaped two and three steps at a time. I tried to wash the smell out of my brain. My erection was up before I was back out in the fresh air. I'd remember Tony and Tim best. Them and Ty. Those were the guys that really kept me alive. I thought of Gene again and remembered we were just a convenience to one another, but I still felt really bad for him. I could see Donnie in my mind. I could remember him from that first night when he was with Gene.

My father was picking at his food when I came back into sight. A look of relief came to his face. He hadn't been sure I was coming back. He drank from his coffee cup as I moved to the last booth. He looked down to his plate and moved things around with his fork.

"Not bad," he said. "I wasn't sure you'd be coming back. I'm sorry I hit you. You shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm your father."

"I'm sorry. Bad habit I've picked up. Taking up for myself. It's one of the things you learn on the street."

"We are going back together?" he asked.

"We are going back together. I'm not stupid, Dad. I need to finish school. I need to finish growing up. I can't do that here. The only thing you can do here is die."

"Why'd you come then?"

"To see."

"To see what?"

"To see."

"These tests. I haven't told your mother."

"Why not?"

"She can't handle that. I can't tell her that about her son. You're a child for Christ sake. How could you have this thing?"

"The usual way you get it."

"How do you get it?"

"You need to read up, Dad. I'm not going to discuss it with you. You've never wanted to discuss anything with me. This isn't where we start. I don't even know that much. I might not have it. I might. That's what the tests will tell."

"Who's Carl?"

I shuffled my feet around under the table. My father was starting to hit the buttons. I watched my hands drum the table.

"He's someone I met."

"You want something to drink?"

"Yeah! Yes, sir. Coffee, cream."

My father looked at me and at his own coffee cup. He seemed surprised.

"Bring my son a cup of coffee if you don't mind," he called to the counter guy.

White apron looked up and then at me as he walked the coffee around the corner of the counter and slid it in front of me.

"You've grown,” dad said. “You look older."

"The streets age you."

"You don't look bad. Just older."

"Shit! I look like shit. I've seen in a mirror."

"You'll get better. You'll rest up. School starts next week, but you'll rest up until then. You'll be okay. Your mother will be glad to see you. We'll be okay."

"I know. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"It'll be okay. We'll do okay," he said.

I drank my coffee and watched him shuffle his food around. He didn't eat much of it. The conversation became strained, stifled by that uneasiness when there is no more small talk you can make. We desperately needed some small talk, but only the big questions were left. Having never talked before, we had no practice for just talking. Throughout my entire life my father had told me how it was and what I was going to do. He'd never asked me once what I wanted, what I thought, or what I felt. It wasn't going to start in a cafe in the Castro. We both knew that.

"Who's Carl," he said again, after the dishes were cleared away and he was cradling his third cup of coffee since I returned from the hotel.

"You read the letter. You know who he is."

"Is he what this is all about. Is that why you ran off."

I started laughing."

"This has nothing to do with Carl. It has to do with me."

"So tell me who he is."

"He's a marine. He met me on the bus. When he left, I couldn't go home. That's it. I couldn't go back to Minnesota. I couldn't just go home."

"Why didn't you talk to us? Why didn't you tell us what was going on?"

"I can't talk to you, Dad. You tell me. That's it. You don't talk to me. You tell me. I found out something I couldn't just go home with. I had to deal with what I felt before I could go back home."

"What was so terrible that you couldn't come to us with it?" "Remember Ralphie, Dad? You remember that cute little kid that was always over to our house?"

"We don't need to talk about him. Ralphie's dead, Billie Joe. You've got to face up to it."

"Dad, Ralphie killed himself rather than face up to being gay. I ran away rather than face you with it. That's why I couldn't go home. That's what it’s all about."

My father choked on his coffee. It ran off his chin. He blotted it with his napkin and coughed on my words. He drank some water and blotted some on the spots on his shirt. He didn't look at me. He couldn't talk. There were tears in his eyes. I don't know if they were from the choking or from finally hearing the admission coming from the horse itself.

"We'd better go. Should be there at least an hour early. Got to turn in this car. You want anything else?"

"No, sir."

Chapter 22

The Getaway

The plane shuddered, catching my attention as the weight lifted off the landing gear, making us airborne. It was my first jet plane ride, and I watched the ground move away from us at a rapid speed. Once I was convinced we would stay in the air I went back to digging in my bag for the notebook that was still tucked safely under the protective reinforcement flap at the bottom.

Settling into my seat, I opened it and went to the letter I'd started writing to Carl only about a month earlier. Where to start? What do I tell him and what do I save for later? What will he understand, and what will he hate to hear? I wouldn't lie to him, but while he was still over there it wasn't a good time to tell all. If we were going to have a chance, it would be necessary to get to know him better. That would be where I started. I went to a fresh page and started a new letter with the current date. I explained that I'd been separated from my belongings and notebook, but that I was okay and I had gotten everything back. What else could I tell him that would be worth talking about?

My father and I had resumed our usual relationship. He said nothing to me after getting into the car at the diner and starting toward the airport, and I responded in kind. We avoided looking at each other, and I was sure he'd thought over what had taken place that day, just as I had. I followed him into the car rental place office uninvited, and then followed him through the airport to the boarding gate. If I didn't know better I'd swear he was hoping I'd get lost or run. He never looked once to see if I was still behind him, but I was. I was going home whether he wanted it or not. I was going home and I would finish school. The rest had to take care of itself.

When we got on the plane, he led the way and stood in the aisle, indicating by stance and slight body movements that I should take the inside seat. We'd always had a silent way of communicating. I'm sure many fathers and sons do.

I'd only written a paragraph telling Carl I was fine, or thought I was fine, or hoped I was fine, but I knew I didn't want to talk to him about it, so I stopped there. I turned a few pages and at the top of another clean page I wrote:

Billie Joe's Journal

I decided that I would write about the most important things that had taken place during my summer of misadventures. Carl came first and beside his name I put a heart with an arrow through it. I wrote C L’s B in the middle of the heart. I crossed it out and reached for the bracelet that was up on my elbow. I drew a second heart and wrote inside it, B L's C.

Raymond. I wrote about Raymond and what a jerk he worked at being, and how confusing it was to know someone like him, especially then, at the earliest stages of my awakening. So, I just described him, leaving out the more graphic details, although they were still clear in my mind.

I wrote about Kyle and Ingmar, and tried very hard to show them accurately in words on the paper. I couldn't write any more than the basics then, but in my mind I still saw them, too, as clearly as if we had parted that morning. Raymond made me feel warm in my pants, but Ingmar and Kyle made me feel warm in my heart.

I could no longer picture the villain on the highway. I knew he looked like the terror that sometimes chased me inside my dreams, but I never again saw his face. It's one of those things I had probably blocked out in order to have peace. He was always there in the dark, but way back in the shadows.

Earl was harder to write about. There seemed to be but a single dimension that concerned me, and those were the details I wouldn't try to put in words on the plane. It was something that would be left to the quiet and privacy of my room, for those times when I needed no more than a little relief. Earl would always have a kind of sexual power over me, but that's all it was.

Harvey was easy, and I grouped him with Dennis and John. I knew Dennis and John weren't bad people. They simply took advantage of a situation. Once I was on the street, I understood better why Harvey didn't care or mind them using his body. When you are alone out there and someone wants you for anything, that gives you a certain amount of power. I thought I could relate to what Harvey felt sandwiched between the two middle-aged men while I watched through the crack in the door. I even thought I understood his need to blow the money on pizza. Funny how clear things get after you have some experience with the bottoms of barrels. Harvey wasn't a bad kid, but I could never have truly liked him. The first images of Ty, Sharon, Gene, Donnie, Bryce and Gil, and of Tony and Tim were all centered around the first time I went to the party hotel. I could describe them physically, but I saw each of them sexually every time I closed my eyes. These images never ceased to arouse me and when aroused I found I was repulsed not by the images but by my erection. Still I knew if I was ever faced with the scene inside the hotel again, I'd be in the middle of the action a lot sooner. Even knowing what I now knew, and even considering the danger, it wouldn't stop me from becoming part of it inside of that time and that reality. There is a power inside the group that doesn't exist for us anywhere else. There is power in breaking all the rules and flirting with death.

I was surprised to look down on the tops of clouds. The sky was a vivid blue up that high. I watched out the window for a time, not thinking about anything. I went back to writing to Carl. I told him I was on my way home, and that my father and I had had a rather stormy reunion, but things seemed to be going back to normal. Each time I started writing to Carl, I stopped after only a sentence or two.

I wasn't looking forward to getting home and facing my mother, but she'd be easy compared to my father. The question would be whether or not he'd tell her about AIDS or just make sure I got the testing done. It hadn't been mentioned, and I assumed my mother already knew my questionable status.

School would be tough. There was no doubt my exploits would be known through the kids of my parents' friends. Nothing stayed secret too long among them. I don't know if they'd hear something about me running off for the same reason Ralphie offed himself, or if they'd just say Ralphie's death so upset me that I sort of went off the deep end. I wasn't about to go back to pretending I was straight. That time had passed me by. I'd have to make a stand or everything I'd tried to do would be a waste. The point of running off was to become who I was, and to quit hiding from it. What problems this would create were still mysteries, but I suspected my time on the streets of San Francisco would compare in some ways to the ordeal ahead of me.

I was growing up. The question was, had I grown up enough or would I grow up enough to deal with the people who would hate me for what I was? How would I find people that understood or could accept me as I was? What would I have to do to not be alone again? I was better equipped to be alone, but I wanted very much not to be alone, although I knew that mostly I would be alone. Finding people to sit with me and talk to me about my real feelings would be difficult. Finding people that would allow me to be honest would be hard.

Never mind.

I'd find them. It would take patience and work, but I would find them. If I was honest and up front about who I was, there was a much better chance I'd make some friends I could trust or who would at least respect me for my honesty. Maybe there was another gay kid or two that might come to me and let me know I wasn't alone. Maybe I wouldn't be alone. There is always hope.

Once more I found myself staring out into the blue sky. It was darker blue the further east we flew. You could almost see forever above the clouds. I wished I could see all the way until I was eighteen and leaving home. I wished I could see to the next summer and meeting Carl at SeaTac. I wanted to just get there and be there, but there was a lot of time and distance in between me and those events to come. There was a lot of uncertainty. Would Carl still love me? Would he forgive me for what I had done? Would he come back to me in a year and could we start up where we had left off? Could I make it through the year? Could I stay at home without blowing up and running off again?

It had been over two months since the last time I walked into my house. My mother would likely pretend I was with brother John most of that time, but then there would be the questions. They would come at dinner or while I was entering or leaving a room. She'd ask me about this or that, something that was on her mind and a question she could no longer deal with. I'd explain away the question and make her smile. She liked for me to make her smile. My mother and I were very much alike, and that made us very volatile at times, but we always understood one another. We thought we knew how the other thought.

I was not surprised that my mother blamed my father for my leaving. I suspect she would now try to blame Ralphie. He would be convenient, and we'd have talks about it’s being okay that it upset me, but that it wasn't okay for me to run off. We wouldn't mention my dirty little secret. I'd be told I should have come to her with my problems so she could help, only I'd never come to her with my problems and she had never helped me in that way. My parents' lives were well ordered and busy, and they really didn't have time to devote to raising a son. It would be hard being home, but not as hard as it had been being on the street. If I could survive the streets I could certainly survive a few more months at home.

I'd learned everything I needed to know while on the street. I learned that the network I was looking for didn't exist. Gay society was no more prepared to deal with gay youth than straight society. Of course the mere mention of the words "underage gay teen" would send waves of fear through many adult gay men. If caught in the company of or assisting same, they were looking at molestation and contributing charges. No one fifteen, sixteen, or seventeen could be gay and ask for assistance without running afoul of the law. We simply had no right to be gay. So we end up with guys who are not supposed to be gay but are, and they end up on the streets with a gay society that would like to help them but can't. There were good intentions and some men who would feed you and give you a place to stay for a time. But always there was the fear that someone would knock on the door, and it would be time for them to pay for their kindness by facing prosecution. That's how so many kids ended up on the street. That's their crack and that's where they fell through.

While straight society refuses to help gay teens, gay society can't help. So we end up with a class of kids too young to be out on their own, but there we are. There is no place we can go. You can't tell people you are gay. That only assures you of getting tossed out again, beaten up, or sent to even worse places.

Plainly and simply, you should not be gay until you are eighteen! That's the way society wants it, and because they want it that way, they aren't about to lift a finger to get the gay teens off the mean streets, away from drugs and sex, and away from the dangers of AIDS. Being on the street virtually assures that sooner or later you will develop intimate relationships with drugs, sex, and dreaded diseases. For far, far too many, the streets are a death sentence.

Being on the way home meant I didn't directly face imminent dangers any longer. Now I was protected. Once more I could live inside the family cocoon. The dangers to me would be subtle and unannounced. The residue of the streets would become an issue. Do I have it, or don't I? Everyone would know about that one. If I do have it everyone will say, "Isn't it a shame!" If I don't have it they'll say, "Isn't he lucky!" I don't know what I'll say.

The issue of AIDS was relatively new to me. The prospect of having it was frightening, but the fear passed quickly. If I do have it I'll deal with it at the time. That's about all there is to that. The damage is done. Should I escape the plague, I will know I was a lucky one, and I hope I have learned enough to avoid it in the future. As for those I left behind me, I couldn't have made it without them. I couldn't have made it without Raymond and his caustic lip, or Ingmar and his gigantic heart. I wouldn't have made it without Gene. I wouldn't have made it without Harvey, and I didn't like Harvey in life, and could like him no more for the way he died. I couldn't have made it without Tim and Tony. I couldn't have made it without Walt. I especially couldn't have made it without Ty. Of all the people that met me and saved me and took care of me, Ty was the only one that truly cared only about me. The rest of us fed off one another, but Ty never asked for anything from me. He was just there, with his heart full of love and compassion. He wanted to help me off the street, and he did. Ty and I would talk a couple of times a month after I arrived home. I think my parents were scared that denying me this contact would drive me back to San Francisco, so they didn't.

Ty usually called me, but a few times I wanted to hear his voice and called him. We discussed how hard it was to walk away from one another. I told him I was really struggling to find a way to leave, and I was so completely drained after spending those weeks in the hotel, I just didn't want to be close to anyone. I needed so much space those last days we were together. I told him I no longer trusted anyone after those weeks on my own. He apologized again for leaving me and then for being so distant the last few days at Walt's, but he told me he loved me and that he knew I had to go home for my own good. He wasn't sure how long he'd be okay, and he didn't want me around him if he got sick. Walt always said hello while he was still alive, and he encouraged Ty and me to talk. He was to die shortly after spring came the following year. Actually, he lived longer than Ty expected. Arrangements were made for Ty to keep the apartment, and he too had started AZT treatments in the months before Walt died.

Ty gave me the rundown on everyone during our phone calls. They never did find Donnie's killer. His brother Jake would serve two years in Leavenworth and be dishonorably discharged. Sharon was found dead in Golden Gate Park. She was fifteen years old and six months pregnant. No one had any idea who the father was. Tony and Tim met a contractor from Santa Rosa. He hired both of them, and they were living in a guest house on his property there. Each morning they all went out to work together. Ty told me that Tim asked Tony to be his lover. He said Tony beamed like a bride when he came up to tell him that. He also announced they had tested negative for the AIDS virus three different times. There was nothing sexual with the man that hired them. They apparently gave him a hand one day when his truck broke down in traffic. He repaid them by giving them a job and a place to live. He was a divorced father of five with plenty of room on his hands. Tony and Tim moved in that evening and went to work the next day. Gene and Bryce both disappeared. Ty thought that they had taken up with each other after Donnie died. Gene was always talking about going down to Los Angeles, and Ty believed that was what they had done. Gene was never the same after Donnie died. As I suspected, he'd probably always be in love with his lost friend. Ty said he only saw him two times after that, and Gene never spoke, just nodded some distant recognition while Bryce carried the conversation.

Ty heard Gil was arrested for dealing drugs. Fred did well in his new foster home and was back in school. He visited Ty from time to time and was talking about going to college. He was in communication with his parents, but there was nothing resolved about his sexuality. They wouldn't let him come home if he was gay. That was the only stipulation they put on him. He never returned home.

I wrote to Earl, and he always ended his letters by saying there was a school up the street and a warm bed always waiting for me. Of all the people I'd spent time with, I thought Earl would be the least likely to see me again. It's not that the time with him wasn't intense. It was. But I think I knew that intensity wasn't worth much without love. Some of our sessions even equaled the peak of passion I found with Carl, but for totally different reasons. I had been exploring and learning, and Earl was one of my professors. His letters were always short and to the point.

When I finally got around to writing Ingmar, he wrote me back a nice letter. He wrote just like he talked, and he told me Kyle was going to school at Stanford, and Raymond was working nearby and they were sharing an apartment. Ingmar was still amazed at this, but he said they really seemed close the last month they were with him. He was happy for Kyle, and even got to where he didn't mind Raymond.

I added all of these facts to my journal as I collected them. Ingmar and I wrote each other, but he mostly sent me a postcard from each town he spent time in. He was very happy I'd decided to go home. He told me I had a job if I ever needed it. I guess he was my favorite character of all the ones I had met that summer of my sixteenth year. Ingmar was about as real and good as people get.

Just one more footnote. Todd continues to help kids get off the streets. He visits Ty on a regular basis and fixed him up with Jason, another guy with AIDS who needed a place to live. He was over twenty one and fairly healthy. Ty said he and Jason get along well. He said they could be brothers except Jason had the misfortune to be born white.

The party hotel burnt down right after the first of the year. No one was home.

The trip home was mostly uneventful. I remember my father scooted his legs to the side to let me out to piss after we left Salt Lake City. He never moved his face from the magazine he'd brought along. As I wandered back to the bathroom one of the stewards started watching me. When I came out he stood right next to the door and gave me the biggest smile, and then I saw his eyes do a quick inventory. I giggled at the thought that I knew what he wanted. I remembered Raymond saying, "They all want it." That's what I thought, but he was cute and not much older than I was. He was still watching me when my father scooted his legs out to let me into our row again, oblivious to his son's flirtation.

Flying eight miles in the sky is relaxing. Each time I looked out the window into the darkening sky, my eyes grew heavier. I wrote my thoughts and impressions down as they came to me. I did my best to recapture some essence of each individual I wanted to remember. I guess writing is hard work because I ended up falling asleep after we left Kansas City, the next-to-last stop on our journey home.

I don't remember the last leg of the trip or the landing. I simply drifted off as though all my cares and problems had been left behind. I remember thinking hazily, I’d survived the streets and now I’d need to find a way to survive at home.

The End of My 16th Year

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Don’t Miss:

Book II of Billie Joe’s Journey

The Return Home, or

Book III, The Center