Mixed Feelings

School was both my hell and heaven. I didn't particularly enjoy it but I always found a way of productively spending my time. There was a tree, a very small, scrawny, insignificant tree that I would sit under to draw my sketches. My sketches represented a way out that I never had before, I could be anything in these drawing, pursue any goal without worrying about the opinions of my peers. The tree on the other hand represented me, I was scrawny and not the most intelligent boy in the world. I was a loner and an outcast. The one friend I had left me in middle school to join the tougher and physically powerful boys. It's been four years since middle school and my social life hasn't changed to say the least. I am still the loner who gets bullied and I am still reminded of my inferiority not only from my fellow class mates but also my parental figures. My father saw me as a disgrace to the family I wasn't as strong as him, I didn't take part in sport activities and I didn't make the honours in my grades. In his eyes I was a waste of space and looking at my drawing I couldn't agree more. Although inspirational and philosophical; it couldn't be denied that my drawings were shit. The torment I received from my father was mitigated by my school and although I was bullied constantly it felt better than knowing you were a constant burden to your family. You're probably wondering why I didn't think of suicide, well the idea had crossed my mind several times but apart from being a loner, I was also very fearful of death. That tends to happen when you're in a position of constant abuse; although many see death as a way of escaping the trauma of life.

As I continued to draw underneath a tree, which supplied barely enough shade to cool me from this sizzling heat I continued to reminisce about my life. It was boiling hot and the shirt I was wearing felt sticky due to the amount of perspiration, I felt like I was a tap of water that could not be shut off. Then it happened the sun went away and I was finally shaded but it wasn't a relief to have the sun no longer shine its hot rays on my misty body but a horrible sign, for he stood in front of me. He was held back two years so he was two years older than me. A twenty year old man picking on an eighteen year old boy, many questioned how he was still able to be in high school, I myself was under the impression that after the age of eighteen you had to go to an all adult school but then again a man as intimidating as him could get anything he desired. I looked up at him; he was buff much taller than I was. His clothes looked much too small for his body almost like they'd rip if he ever decided to flex. His hear was sleek and yet shaggy, his facial hear was mainly stubble and he looked like he was under constant distress.

He looked at me with these menacing eyes, like I did him wrong, like I was responsible for his misfortunes. I waited for it and I received it, the blow to my head that I received so very often but this was different it was more brutal. The punch I received was devastating and caused parts of my gum to bleed. I spat out some blood as he began to focus more on hitting my stomach and thighs. I fell to the ground in pain holding my stomach; this was different from his previous undertakings. He was breathing more frantically and his punches were more focused. Before I knew it several parts of my body were swollen, bruised and covered in blood. I was weak what could I do other than take it. I grabbed onto the bark of the tree, trying to find a way back to my feet but all my attempted were blocked by his ragging fists. Eventually I gave up; I couldn't do anything so I just let it happen. By the end of it, I was beaten up so badly I had to go to the emergency hospital. I sat there being questioned, primarily asking who did this to you? I wanted to answer Ross Croftson but I knew that would just get me in more shit, I made up some excuse that my attackers were a mask. They seemed to believe it so I was no longer under the constant pressure of questioning. It didn't shock me that my dad didn't come to the hospital to check up on me. They called him twice each time he simply said leave him there if he make it home, he makes it home. Lucky for me I had all my information or at least the relevant ones in my wallet. It surprised me even more that the money I had was not stolen by Ross.

When I could finally move and I was no longer forced to stay in the hospital. I felt this weird sensation over my body as if I was also no longer afraid. I no longer wanted to experience turmoil like this again, so I told myself I would make sure I didn't. I was tired of being everyone's bitch, for once I wanted to control my own destiny. I didn't bother getting my belonging I was perfectly fine starting over and the farther away I got from my father the better my life felt. I know what many thought, this was running away from my problems but I believed it was far from it. I already had a job that I was moderately good at and savings that could at least let me stay in a motel for the night. As I walked to the stingy motel, I thought of how happy my father was to have me out of his life. I guess a part of me still hated him but I guess if he hated me so much it was all for the best. There was nothing more embarrassing than having no one come to check up on you at the hospital, especially if you are my age. I tried to blank it all out of my head but it was predominant, my father obviously paid little interest in my life. The cost for Ambulance would no doubt be paid by me and everything that occurred from my injuries, to cost of living were all considered a liability to my father. I wasn't surprised he often told me I was the son he never wanted. Fuck it! I thought to myself, as I got ready to pay my entry to the stingy ass motel. I couldn't afford luxury but this could be my crash until I found something moderately stable. As I bought my way into the motel, I couldn't help but gaze at the cute attendant who handed me my key. I already embraced my homosexuality but I was usually able to control my hormones. The motel was simple and just contained a series of apartments joins together, with an upper and lower level. All rooms could be entered only from the outside and it basically resembled the most stereotypical display of a shit ass motel.

As I approached room number 9 I had the pleasant view of my motel door already wide open. Just my day I thought, as I looked into the room. My attention to the condition of the door, which was smashed in was mitigated from the apparition of a strong, muscular figure no doubt the same if not slightly older age as me, lying on my bed. He was angry and punching his fist into a pillow. It was only till later that I realised who this angry young adult was it was Ross. The ass that ruined my day but gave me a slight life epiphany that helped me change my whole social construct. I was already angry and his appearance didn't help things, without self-control I quickly analysed the room finding anything to throw in his direction. It seemed treacherous to do so, seeing he didn't even notice I was in the room but in my opinion the fucker had it coming. I quickly and without hesitation grabbed the lamp; unknowingly unplugging it from the outlet and smashing it on his head. The blow most has been strong because he became unconscious from the impact. I didn't care; while he was down I kept punching him. It was cowardly but I wanted him to feel what I felt. I kept hitting him, till he had the same amount of wounds I had. I sat on his waist and kept beating his face till he was bloated and bloody. When I finally believed he took enough, I sat their patiently waiting for him to awake. When he came through I wasn't afraid, if anything I was relishing the challenge. He woke groaning in pain, I smiled at my work. He struggled to get up and looked at me, looking at me while somewhat grovelling on his hands and knees.

'You...did you do this to me?' He looked around the room as if shocked that I had the capability of doing something like this. He yelled in pain, coughing out some blood and smiling as he made eye contact with me. Smiling as he attempted to stand but couldn't due to all the pain he was in.

I smiled right back at him and proudly said 'I did this.' I had become the very obstacle that tortured me for so many years and it felt good. I felt devious but the thought of losing so much and gaining nothing from the world, made me forget my morality.

He laughed still trying to get up. Coughing up only small amounts of blood now, 'I'm impressed; I didn't think you had it in you.' I looked down at him crossing my arms, thinking he was out of his mind. 'I know it probably means nothing to you now but...I'm sorry.'

I looked at him still upset and if anything more outrage. 'What's with the fucken change of heart?'

He looked at me and calmly said 'when you lose everything, there are many different ways in feeling relief. Mine was foolish, I have no family, friends who are insufferable and I am a menace to society and I do poorly in school only because people brand me as a 'fool.' Now, well now I am not only branded a fool but also a disease. I found my relief through smashing your teeth in, so this pain I feel is well deserved.' I still looked at him my arms still crossed, looking down at him like I was more than he could ever be. I couldn't believe the shit I was hearing. It was unbelievable.

'What do you mean a disease?'

'I'm a homosexual, a lot of people frown over such things.'

'So what's your point, I'm gay.'

He moved to the side of the wall basically dragging his body on the floor, while doing so. As he grazed his back by the wall, he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. While the cigarette hanged from the tip of his lip that was not bleeding from my previous endeavours. He puffed a bit of smoke, and then looked down. 'The whole school knows you're gay. It was one of the major reasons I kicked your ass every day. You're not the best at hiding it.'

I looked at him with more anguish, 'why the fuck should it matter!'

He moaned in pain a bit, putting his back closer to the cold, no doubt dirty wall. 'Well homosexuals don't have the best reputation in the world. This idea of being monogamous is often not perpetrated by the gay community. Giving the idea that all we want is to have is countless sexual relations with other men. You do that from time to time, if anything you partially the blame.'

Just like that my fist hit the side of the wall, missing his head but leaving a nice hole in the wall. Pieces of wood, small but still visible flew out from the wall and landed outward swing past Ross's head. My fist was now covered in blood. 'What the fuck is that suppose to mean!' I was surprised at the fact that Ross didn't even flinch, but instead blew smoke from his cigarette in my face.

'Cut the tough guy shit, we both know that isn't you. You beat me when I was unconscious. Don't pretend you don't know, in the gym you always would ogle at the other boys. You have to handle your hormone; if anything you're just increasing stereotypes against us. Making more heterosexual men hate us, thinking all we want is to suck cock and fuck ass.' With the remaining energy he had, he was able to grab my neck and force me lower; to the point where we were now face to face. He was still covered in blood and I was merely looking deep into his eye. Without hesitation, he kissed me. It was romantic at best, he was playing with my tongue but it didn't seem dirty. It felt right and I struggled to stop myself from being aroused. When I finally came to my senses, I rushed to push him away from my lips.

'Get the fuck off of me! You think a stupid little sob story can compensate for the years of anguish you and my father have caused me!' My tone increases but this time I wanted to be heard. He looked at me still in pain and didn't say a word.

'I...I'm sorry, I just need somewhere to stay, you know I'm not like this. I may have made some mistakes but I'm only human.' He looked at me as he threw the virtually distinguished cigarette on the floor. Watching as the ashes and flames turn to dust upon impact with the floor.

'Yeah it's easy to say a stupid word over and over again. You and your apology mean nothing to me.'

He looked up at me still covered in his own blood; every time he spoke it was with eye contact. I couldn't deny that there was something different about him. I just couldn't understand why he seemed to change so drastically, can someone truly hide their persona that easily? 'What can I do to earn your forgiveness?'

I was flabbergasted, why did he want me to forgive him so badly was he like me, could he truly have no one there for him in his life. With these thought in my head burst with a sense of energy and enthusiasm, that took the form of pay back I stated. 'I will accept your apology but only if you let me fuck you.'

'What?' He looked at me confused and angry at the same time. 'You want to fuck me in the condition I am in! What the fuck is wrong with you!' He said as he waved his arms around, causing him to moan from the sudden motion.

'So what you're able to dish it out but you can't take it in?'

By this time I figured that he would not comply with my demands but I was surely mistaken. I watched him pondering his next move but I never thought he would go through with it. He slowly began to undress himself, struggling as he did so and giving me antagonizing looks that informed me that I was not to help him undress. As he took off his shirt he moaned from the pain he felt, it sickened me that I felt satisfaction in watching him struggle. I felt proud about injuring him to such a state, even if he was unconscious when I did it. When he finally took off his shirt, I was mesmerised with how masculine he was. He was bruised from my countless pounding but with such a body I found it hard to believe he actually felt so much pain. Moving his shirt to one corner of the room, he then began to pay attention to his jeans. I watched as he took off his pants, slightly easier than his shirt. He wore no underwear so I got a clear image of his penis. I was upset with the length; it seemed unfair for such a prick to have such a big dick. It was at least ten inches in length; I both envied him and hated him. This was not about him though, it was about me and when I fuck him and make him suck me off, I will be the master and he would be my bitch.

When he was finally completely naked, he knelt down, placing his head on the floor and sticking his ass out to greet me. 'No, when I fuck you I want to see your face.' He lay on his back now graciously awaiting me. I wasn't as muscular as he was, if anything I was downright scrawny but I know how to fuck and his ass was going to be demolished. I took of me shirt without haste, I didn't have a six pack like Ross but I wasn't exactly fat either. It was merely my chest with a small barely visible two pack coming out, my biceps were nonexistent. When I finally took of my pant, I revealed a six inch cock, nowhere close to that of his. It was thicker than his but in sheer length it was insignificant when you saw the two. The thing that amazed me was the fact that both of us were hard even before the sex began. As he took of his pants and as I took of mine, boners had already sprung out past the zipper.

I pulled his legs forward bringing his body closer to me. I didn't bother lubing his ass, or even spitting on my dick I wanted him to feel pain. I readied myself but reframed from entering his ass. I intended to force my dick in. No matter how much he resisted. I mounted my penis in front of his ass, with both his legs hanging over my shoulders. I didn't enter him, I put my waist all the way back and made sure I had enough room for a hard impact. When I finally felt I had enough I blasted my way into his hole. He moaned loudly pleading for me to not go so hard. I didn't listen to a word and continued at the same treacherous speed. He was a virgin and very tight but I continued my speed even with the tightness of his ass. Pushing harder and harder I was enjoying the moans I heard. I watched him squirmed and listened to his moans which were not of ecstasy but of pain. I'd watched and known enough about homosexual sex to know that the first time is always the most painful and I intended to make him feel that pain. It wasn't only his pain that made me feel a sense of relief but also knowing I was the top. I was the one in control and he was my bitch. My thrust never for second decreased and several moments I found myself pressing him against the wall to increase my impact on his ass. He screamed and even cried for me to slow down but I simply ignored him. Smiling through the whole process.

Then it final occurred, the pain was over and his hole finally adjusted to the new friend that had entered it. He was no longer pleading for me to stop but begging for me to continue. I felt like this was the perfect time for me to pull out, right at the arousal point to make him feel more insignificant. The fact that his longing for my penis would be mediated would have some adverse affects but at last this did not occur. He did something I didn't predict. As I fucked his ass strenuously, he moistened his lips. I paid close attention to his face for I wanted to see his reactions of the pain that was engulfing his body but he was no longer in pain. Now he was in a frenzy state that I could not describe. He wanted me and before I knew it his tongue was showing me how much he desired my body. As his tongue entered my mouth I found myself mesmerized in from his passion. As we fought with our tongues and engulfed each other's saliva, I was consumed with desire. My pace in breeding his ass slowed down and all I focused on was pleasuring and engulfing his mouth. When I finally came to the realization we were kissing, I pushed him off of me and sat naked on the bed. My penis still erect and he leaning by the wall confused.

'So you can fuck me but there is a problem with kissing?' He looked at me smirking not comically but almost like he was enforcing how pathetic I was.

'I only fucked you because I wanted to be the dominant one for once and not the other way around. I didn't even cum inside you. Then you kissed me and I...I.' I looked down at my hard cock, trying to at least come up with something cleaver to say but he broke in with the answer.

'You felt something didn't you? Like it was right, like there was nothing wrong with my tongue in your mouth.' He looked over struggling to get up, as he sat next to me on the bed. His cock fully erect and much bigger than mine.

He positioned his arm around my shoulder, I quickly brushed it off. 'You don't know what you're talking about, you're over analysing things. I'm not into you, how could I ever love an ass like you?'

He gave out a sigh and then looked in my direction. I loved his eyes but didn't dare to look him face to face. 'I guess I deserve that.' He looked down at my dick and grasped it with his hand, 'you're still hard if you want you can continue fucking me, I won't kiss you.'

I sighed 'the moment gone. I'm going to sleep.' I lay on the bed sleeping on my side. His back facing me as I attempted to close my eyes.

'You know that was my first time.' He didn't bother getting up he just sat in the same position.

'I know, you were very tight.' He laughed slightly and got up from his bed to get his clothes. 'You don't have to leave.'

He looked at me almost in shock. 'What?'

'You can stay.' He smiled and without asking further question made space for himself on the floor. I was happy he was staying put could not understand why, I was also happy that his wounds were no longer causing him as much agony. I watched as he attempted to shape cushion out of the extra sheets left in the room. 'You can sleep with me.'

He looked at me this time even more surprised. 'Are...are you sure?'

'Yeah.' He laid beside me his back still facing me but his whole body was now on the bed. There was like an invisible wall between us for we didn't touch but only shared the same bed sheet. I didn't know what to do or say this whole situation was new to me. I moved in closer and grabbed him in an embrace my cock was still hard so the tip must have entered his ass slightly; for I heard him moan slightly. I held onto his chest, I didn't realise the little pieces of hair he had on his body. It was noticeable but not overwhelming. It felt nice on my hands.

'Finish was you started' he said in a soft melo tone. Without hesitation I entered him not as forcefully as last time. I moved my waist slowly penetrating his ass. It felt good inside and I didn't want to overdue it like last time. My movement was still harsh but more soothing than anything. As I entered him I felt this cool sensation on my back. I couldn't explain it but I felt the same ecstasy that overcame Ross when he kissed me. His moans were soothing to my ears and his chest hairs were my physical luxury that kept me pushing at a firm and single pace. We ended up switch position, I was still in his ass but he was now face down on the mattress. His moans continued, but they were moans of pleasure and he was not the only one who was enjoying it. Before I knew it I was kissing him patiently and he was more than willing to except it. 'I'm going to cum, don't cum with me!' I screamed. 'What?!' he exclaimed 'just don't!' I said quickly as I entered his ass with my juices. He moaned I felt his cock which had pre-cum building up but he didn't cum. He moaned uncontrollably he really wanted to cum but I wanted to taste it, so once all my cum was successfully in his ass. There was so much, I couldn't believe how much I put in him, it looked as if some would leak out. I turned him over and began sucking his cock. He placed his hand over my head and forced me to swallow as much of his dick as I could. He didn't choke me on his cock but his slight force did turn me on. When he finally erupted, I swallowed only in moderation. So when it was finally over I could give him a kiss mixed with my saliva and his jizz. When it was all over we lay embracing one another. I pressed my face on his back and straddled his chest hair. We fell asleep in this position. When I woke up I expected he would be gone but there he was this time I was facing him face to face. He was beautiful and when he reached in for a morning kiss I was only glad to give him my full attention.

(A possible continuation)