Matt and Jason

*Note that the following story is a work of semi-fiction, or maybe “inspired by a true story.” Part is 100% true, and part is fantasy, and I leave it to the reader to determine which is which. Certain details have been tweaked to protect the “innocent.” By all means, send feedback along to [email protected]*

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In the end, we did indeed watch Matt’s ancient history documentary.

Truth be told, I liked it far more than I thought I would. It might have helped that for much of the rest of the evening, we… um, played a little game of “Spartan Warrior” ourselves. I didn’t realize how creative Matt was, but he was in his element. He even went so far as to give us suitable “names,” calling me “Testicles” (pronounced as to rhyme with “Hercules”). I in turn called him Oedipus, as he was… a big motherfucker. Add in some lines of cheesy dialogue, and some steamy sex, and… well, we had an evening.

Maybe you would’ve just had to have been there….

That said, it showed me a whole other side to him. I mean, here’s this prince of man roaring through life, good job, crazy adventures, a fucking lion in the sack… and still at heart a goofball. A crazy-ass kid who was flipping out on this super nerdy stuff. It was like we 13 or so and hanging out in our clubhouse. Easy. Effortless. A buddy.

And yet, for all the adventures I had had with them, none of my buddies had ever made me feel the way Matt did. It wasn’t just that he made me feel like I was the greatest guy in the world—like I was someone—but he made me feel… sexy. Shit, that’s not the right word. I mean, he didn’t make me feel like some soft-focused, air-brushed guy on the cover of a romance novel, he made me feel like… like…

…like I fucking was sex. In its rawest, purest form.

Like a… damn, I wish I had the right word. I don’t want to say like a “predator” or anything, because that makes me sound like I go around raping people. But like predator in the sense of an aggressive, musky jungle cat or timberwolf or Grizzley bear that went after sex hard. Something that could take anything you could throw at it, and give it back even harder. Letting it all out.

So that night, I was… caught off guard. 

We were pretty spent, and after some heart-pounding play, we had both drifted off. He was snuggled against me, spooning, his well-used dick nestled against my ass, with one of his hairy arms wrapped around me. I was still getting used to sleeping in close contact with someone else, but right at that moment I was fucking loving it. He wasn’t being possessive, not necessarily protective. If I had to put a word to it, he just wanted to feel… connected.

Wanting me just because he wanted to be with me.

It was an unaccustomed feeling. I’d never once felt it with a guy before, but I’m not sure if I felt it—truly felt it—with a woman before either. That kind of… connection.

I think I was half-asleep, kinda drifting. But I could feel Matt stir against me. His dick still nestled in my ass crack. His hands starting their own drift across me. Lightly. Just… feeling. I felt him bury his face against the crook of my neck. Breathing. Breathing in the scent of me. Lightly nuzzling me. God that spot… riiiiight there. I sent out an involuntary quiver. His hand slid across my chest. Across my abs. Circling. Circling. Still half-asleep, I stretched into him. Loving the light scratch of his beard on my skin. I reached back with my ass, reaching for him. I could feel the change in his dick.

Matt started a double assault… a stealthy assault. Still on our sides, his hand started making gentle circles down my abs, lower with each round. In the meantime, I could feel his beard making circles of its own. My neck. Onto my shoulders. Circles. Wider. Wider. He slid under my arm and nuzzled forward, upward. Until he was dancing across my armpit. Still breathing. Still nuzzling. It should have tickled, but it didn’t. Finally, his tongue slid out, slithering across my hairy pit. The movement awoke something deep inside me. My cock fired up. Fully awake, as I was now, too. His hand slid down and embraced it. Cupping my hairy balls. He slid his hand back all the way up to where his mouth was, licked his fingers, then resumed massaging my balls with a low wetness. Slowly jacking me. I moaned.

I’m not sure who was harder at that point.

The thing was, what happened next was so… wild, but unlike anything we had done before. Slicked up, and with God knows how much cum inside me, he slid his cockhead against my hole until it opened, then slid in. Sloooooooooowly. I swear I could feel every vein of his shaft as it moved through me. He triggered me, lighting me up from the inside. I gasped, as that first feeling of male penetration rippled throughout my body. But instead of piledriving me, he began a slow, steady motion. Entirely rhythmic. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out.

All the intensity was there, but none of the violence. Controlled. Deliberate.

Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out.

Oh fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I let loose a low moan as the fire inside me started to roar to life. Like my whole body was boiling. I shifted and rolled as he filled me, wanting to feel his dick deeper. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out.

God, he was so fucking big. So fucking hard. Hitting spots inside me….

Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out.

Easy. But relentless.

The fire inside me was glowing with golden light. And I realized the heat inside me was matched by the heat of his body against me. The light scour of his chest hair on my back. His beard at my neck. Scaping. Scratching. The wetness of his lips and tongue. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. His hands. Endlessly searching. Endlessly sweeping across my skin. Awakening me. That closeness. That all-encompassing closeness. Oh GAWD. Controlled. His motion was like a chanted mantra, and it was like I was in a trance. A trance of feeling, sexual awakening, and emotions too deep to be named. GAWD.

Without even realizing I was close, I suddenly erupted. Spraying cum everywhere as I convulsed against him. My entire body on fire. Wild. But he was controlled. Not done yet. His motion never stopped. Fucking relentless. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. He swept up some of my spent cum, bringing his hand to my mouth. I sucked his fingers hard. Like it was his cock. Tasting my own seed. Harder now even then when I shot. The feeling. Him. Matt all around me. In me. Everywhere….

And for the first time in my life, I fucking gave myself to someone. I fucking leaned back, leaned into him… and gave myself to Matt. In a way I could never give myself to a woman. Let go. Let go of everything. And let myself be caried along in the greatest sexual… bliss… I had ever experienced. Dream-like. Drunk. Entirely at Matt’s mercy. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Innnnnnnnnn and out. Closer than I had been to anyone. One with Matt.

Totally freed.

Matt wrapped his cum-drenched hand and started jacking me, matching that intoxicating rhythm. With the wet pressure of his hand, it was like I was fucking an ass myself, in time with Matt fucking mine. I think my body was… singing.

He sped up, pushing harder. I responded, swept up with him, going where ever he carried me. His mouth, his hands, his skin bringing me to life. In and out. In and out. Faster. Inandout. Light filling me. Inandout. An ocean of light. Our bodies in perfect synch, rearing up together. Boiling over together. Sensations I never….

And when we finally came, together, I felt like the sunrise on the cover of an inspirational, self-help book. I was grateful for the room’s darkness, so he couldn’t see the tears of raw emotion running down my face.

Afterwards, I slept. Deep into the morning. Wrapped up in these feelings, and the feelings of Matt. And in my dream state, there was a warmth there. A warmth in my gut. No… not in my gut. In my chest.

Shit… in my… heart.

My heart?

What the hell was that? Was I just fucking deluding myself? I mean, what was that bullshit. C’mon, you don’t “feel” anything in your heart; it’s just this big ol’ muscle that shoots blood through your body. What is this?

I opened my eyes. It was light out, and realized we were sleeping face to face. Close. I could feel his soft breath on me. Gentle. In all the ways that Matt usually wasn’t. I watched him for a bit, marveling at this guy, this King of Guys who was sleeping next to me. Naked. Completely trusting, open, and vulnerable.

Guys are never vulnerable like that in my life. And like everything else about him, it was all so… effortless.

I didn’t even realize I had raised my hand to his face. He’s always so active, running around like his hair was on fire. But with him deep in dreaming sleep, I was free to just… touch him. No response looked for or hoped for. Just… touching him.

His beard.

He kept it fairly short—I’d call it a corporate beard, kinda like a Chris Evans look. Not the wild things of terror that some of the guys were sporting at work. Dark and thick. Part of what moved him away from just being attractive to being masculine. So fucking masculine.

It was slightly unreal. I’ve never just… you know, touched a guy’s beard before. The funny thing is, women are forever bitching about facial hair, to the point that I half-expected it to feel like I was grabbing a power sander or something. Or maybe the wrong end of a Dollar Store broom. But it wasn’t. Softer than I’d thought, and easier on the hands than my stubble, but still strong and course. Softly wiry. More like the hair of his man bush than that of his head.

Nice.

Raking it gently. Letting my fingers lightly slide through it. Feeling the course hair fall away as I moved. The wiry drag against my fingers. That line where the fur ended under his jaw… now somewhat blurred after a couple days of unchecked growth. I liked it. Liked the touch.

Remembered how it felt on my skin when we were together.

It was… he was… beautiful. Shit. That’s not the right word. How could you call him or his beard such a word when he was more powerfully masculine than I would ever be? He just….

Damn, he just… did something to me, you know?

Matt must have sensed my movement. He stirred, and his eyes flickered open. He saw me, felt my fingers… and just smiled. A quiet smile. I smiled back, and curled my fingers and scritched his jaw. He closed his eyes again and leaned into my hand. My fingers still drifting across his furry cheek. Damn… more masculine than I would ever be.

Matt shifted, leaning into me. Bringing his face to me close, but shifting. Moving against my neck. That soft scour of his beard against my fingers suddenly shifted to that magic spot right under my ear.

Daaaaaamn.

He swirled his jaw, his course hair awakening my skin. Running in circles. Not tickling… but activating. I sighed heavily. He just lightly ran his tongue there. The contrast between the scrub and his wet tongue sent a shiver down my spine. Down. Straight to my dick.

Matt was in motion, teasing me. Circles with his chin. That damn electric touch of that course hair. He slid down, his scruff meeting the hair on my chest. He rolled me on my back and scoured me down, down the center of my chest. Down. Down my belly. My body loving the roughness. The steely touch of his face.

I was sure he was going for my cock, standing hard and strong, but to my surprise he kept going. Kept scouring. Roughing up my skin. Down the inside of my thigh. It almost tickled, but the coarseness satisfied. Matt grabbed ahold of my leg, and flexed it… gently, but with determination. He pulled my foot to his face, and ground his gruff against it.

Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

The course hair scoured my skin. Rough-gently. Harsh-softly.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck

My skin came to life, reacting to his touch. And then came his tongue.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

My eyes rolled back as the sensations washed over me. Matt suckling my toes, while his beard seared the skin between them. Him not giving a fuck. Just reveling in the touch. Reveling in my reaction. My body fucking writhed. My skin on fucking fire. God fucking damn it. Only a man could pull this off. A man like the fucking god before me. Tongue and hair and spit. Fuck. I almost came.

Then, in a flash he was up again, sucking my dick down. Deep and wet. My hands instinctively grabbing his head. He was swallowing me down, then pulling back, rolling his tongue around the head, and going down again. Mashing against my balls, tangling his beard in my bush. Lapping me. Licking me. And swallowing me down all over again. Fucking me… face fucking me. Fast and furious. Jacking me to reach the parts his mouth couldn’t. My shaft drenched in his spit. Harder and harder.

I fucking blew. Filling his mouth. So much, my spunk exploded out of him as he tried to swallow.

God he was good.

Later, I got up to fry some eggs and bacon for breakfast, needing desperately to refuel. The smell stirred Matt from the bedroom, and he came padding in with a huge grin on his face. “Whoo hoo! Real food! I haven’t had anything to eat but your cum since dinner!”

“Yeah I can tell… I’m not complaining, but your beard is starting to look like a glazed donut!”

Matt picked up a piece of toast from the table and threw it at me. “You’re fucking nasty, you know that?”

I shot him a huge, shit-eating grin. “Of course I do! I just didn’t think you minded!”

We ate greedily, not needing to say much. I couldn’t help but think I was going to miss him next week when he was doing his training in New Mexico.

When Matt was done, he lowered his fork, sat back, and put his hands behind his head. As Matt so delicately put it, I am fucking nasty, and I drank in the sight of his hairy pits flared before me. Damn, Matt looked good.

“Question for you, Jason. Are you happy?”

“Huh?” I asked, confused.

“Just what I said. Are you… you know, happy?”

“Happy about what?

“Just happy.”

I looked at him blankly for a second. “I… guess… so? I mean, I’m happy… you’re here? Happy we’re having breakfast? I guess. Life’s pretty good.”

He gave me a look. “Hey, I’m not trying to bust your balls or anything, just asking a basic question.”

“You mean, am I enjoying life at the moment? Hell yes. HELL yes.”

“No, I get that, and I think that too… I was just wondering about something… bigger.”

Matt may have been saying he was asking a basic question, but I couldn’t help but feel there was some kind of undercurrent that I was missing. It kinda felt like when you walk into a room and hear part of an argument going, but aren’t quite sure what’s up. “I… well, I have never pretended to be the world’s best thinker. I guess I don’t often think about… ’bigger.’ Growing up in a blue collar, semi-small town, it was all ’do your job, keep your nose clean, and stay out of trouble and you’ll be alright.’ I guess I’ve thought of ’happiness’ as something you feel… later. Like when you’re an old geezer sitting in your favorite chair, with your walls full of pics and souvenirs from all your adventures, with a posse of grandkids climbing all over you.”

Matt’s demeanor… shifted. Ever so slightly. I don’t know if I can quite describe.

“Ah yes. The grandkids. Yeah. Grandkids.” He paused. “So, you’re not all alone in your favorite chair. People are part of the equation.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I’d obviously want to be in a relationship someday. Wouldn’t you?”

There was an imperceptible pause. “Yeah. Of course. ’Someday.’ I get it. I mean, you want to know you have the right person. Right?”

“Is… something up, Matt?”

“No, just… no. It’s nothing. Just kinda… nothing.” He gracefully changed the subject, and we continued stuffing our faces. It didn’t seem like anything was… wrong, really… but I half-wondered what was going on.

When Matt finally left after breakfast, I went back to bed. Okay, in honesty, I first went over to the sink and drank a lot of water, but primarily I just staggered back into my bed and hit the sheets like a tree felled in the forest. Out. Completely comatose. I remember vaguely thinking that when I woke up, I was going to feel like I did the first time I went cross-country skiing: sore in places I had never been sore before.

Yeah, I was spent.

The rest of the day was wildly low key. The highpoint was me sitting in my underwear watching the game while eating a bowl of cereal. Normally, this kind of wasted day was a perfect time for me to hit the gym, but I just didn’t have it in me. Bored, later that night, I fired up the ancient history documentary Matt and I had previously watched, and watched it again. Curious to get a better sense of my guy and what made him tick.

My guy.

My.

And with that, I think I was starting to put together what was strange about our conversation at breakfast. “A relationship,” I said. A relationship. Someday. It was a passing phrase, not meant towards anything… and certainly not about Matt and I. But, all the same, the words were out there.

Did… we… have a relationship? Was “someday”… now?

Yeah. Fuck.

So, what was this… whatever it was we were doing? I mean, did we have a relationship? Were we moving in that direction?

Did… either of us want to move in that direction?

It was hard to tell my own mind. I mean… it was crazy. The idea was crazy. Wasn’t it waaaay too soon to even think about being in a relationship? I mean… bullets had left guns with less speed than how fast Matt and I got together. I had gotten to know him over the course of a few months, sure. Knew of him in social circles for a few months prior to that. But in the end, the reality is all the fireworks had happened in like… a couple weeks. We hadn’t even really given ourselves time to react to what was going on, much less think about it.

I was only just starting to wrap my head around the fact that guys could have sex together, and still think of themselves as guys. A relationship? With two guys? What would that even look like?

I had always assumed I’d… you know, find a girl I liked. Have sex with her. Find a girl I lived having sex with. And we would get married, and have more sex, and then we’d have kids, and so on. Have the grandkids I mentioned. I mean, that was the default. What everyone in my family had done, and would expect me to do. Even if they never said that. Even if they never specifically thought that. What would it look like if I brought Matt home? I grew up in a place that had once been a small town outside a major city. With urban sprawl, it was now pretty much no different from any other suburb, but it still had that small town background. What would my folks think? My douchebag uncle, my cousins? Neighbors?

This is when things would start to get real.

And again, that didn’t even take into account my co-workers. That pack of wolves I call my friends.

And that bigger question… what, in the end, did I think?

I mean, fun is fun, and what Matt and I had been doing was great fun. Fuckbuds, really. I had had lady fuckbuds before with no problem, but never brought them home. Never really talked about them. No need. Never thought how they’d fit into my life.

But… Matt? Was he different? Did he mess everything up? Should he?

And what would it mean to blow up the path my life was on? Change directions like that? Was I okay with that?

God, my head was hurting with all this shit. But for all my freaking out over my own shit, there were a couple of questions forming in my mind that really scared the hell out of me.

What did Matt want?

Here’s the thing. The entire time we’ve been hanging out, and even in the time we’ve been fucking each other crazy, Matt has been clear that he is not looking for or ready for a relationship. Feeling like he’s not ready. Which is completely bizarre… I mean, a great guy, as hot as he is, making bank, living in a hot property downtown? Jesus, He’s got to be the most eligible bachelor in the fucking city. I mean, he could walk into Town Hall and pick up, like, every chick in the place if he wanted. But nope. He’s said it to me, he said it to my well-meaning friends who have wanted to set him up. A big, fat NO. When at our last breakfast we were talking, he seemed to cool when I mentioned I’d like a relationship, just in the abstract. Which kept me from asking the obvious follow up question. Did me bringing up the idea in the abstract freak him out? Shit. I know he’s been dealing with some heavy shit from his time with Alicia, and especially the breakup, and I’ve never wanted to rock the boat. If I even floated the idea with him directly, would he run screaming for the door?

There was another big, burning question: what if Matt and I didn’t work out?

This was another thing I was too scared to think about. He was… damn, in a short amount of time, he became my best friend. Like the best friend I could ever have. I didn’t even want to consider that I’d lose that life-changing sex we had… but in a real way, it would be far worse to lose… him. And could a relationship even last? Two dipshits falling into a relationship they don’t know how to navigate, and can’t even make sense of? Once the honeymoon period is over, would we start driving each other crazy, trying to make a gay relationship work, with all the outside pressure? How badly would I fuck him up? And then what would I do, without him? Watching him resume his adventures with some hot chick on his arm? Or would it be worse seeing him with another guy?

God. Damn. It.

What really kicked me in the crotch is that I’ve always seen myself as a man of action. A “git ‘er done” kinda guy. Not really living with my feelings, happy to push through them to deal with “later.” This… paralysis was laying me flat. And the one person I could talk to about it… was the person I couldn’t talk to about it. Man, just bringing this up to the guy would likely make him squirm, as he would probably never want to be in a relationship with me….

Aaaaaagh.

Over the next couple of days, I started falling into a funk. Which was weird as shit… I mean, things were going great in so many ways. But I couldn’t help feel like even though things with Matt were great, I was courting danger. That there were too many mines in the minefield to navigate.

But at the end of the day… I was surprised to realize something else: just how much I missed him. I mean, Jesus… he was going to be gone for, what, 10 days total? Nothing! But I was… feeling it. Wondering what he was doing. Wishing I could share some stupid, funny story about work. His smile. His scent. His beard….

The collision of feelings was getting me down. I was feeling off my game, distracted. Just moping around. By Thursday night it had gotten bad enough that I had to do something to blow off some steam, and I decided to hit the gym. Working out had always been a refuge of sorts for me, a way to burn off energy and clear my mind. And usually, doing reps worked as a like a chanted mantra that cleared my mind. But after the crazy shenanigans with Matt, I had been a bit nervous about being naked around a bunch of naked guys. Would they see right through me? How would my body respond? And how could I hide it if it… did… start to respond?

It was late at night when I finally got the nerve to head out. I had hoped that going off-hours would minimize any encounters. I really wanted to be in my own space.

My reasoning for going was logical… but the reality is that I probably shouldn’t have gone. I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. Emotions had gotten the best of me, and I wasn’t really working out, but acting out. Lashing out. And just plain being stupid. Doing superset after superset on the machines, wild and unfocused. No form whatsoever, just me punishing my body in a dumb-assed attempt to push out the pain I was in. Smash down the emotions I was feeling. The longer I was at it, the more I doubled down. Attack and attack. Endless reps, pushing past my limits. Stupid. Undisciplined. It was a miracle I wasn’t hurting myself.

Finally I pushed through a cycle way too long, having bitten off way more than I could safely chew, and realized I was letting loose with a long, snarled scream. I released. Let everything go. I stood and walked a few steps, my muscles screaming. Stood there with my hands on my hips, radiating toxicity.

“Hey bud, you okay?” A low voice behind me.

I don’t know what it was, but that simple, innocuous question unleashed something inside me. All my confusion, doubts, frustrations and physical pain boiled over at once. “I’m FINE!” I wheeled on the guy, in full attack mode. “FUCK OFF!!”

I was ready to rumble… but seeing him I stopped myself short. I recognized the guy, although we’d never spoken before. Seen him around a few times… usually there in the mornings, if memory served. And seeing this guy once, you’d never forget him. With the possible exception of Matt, he was the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen in real life. Almost at the perfect midway point between being a Greek god and a lumberjack. A jaw strong enough to chisel granite, and eyes that were almost hypnotic. Radiating easy masculinity, power and confidence. No need to prove anything to anyone.

In response to my nakedly hostile remark, some guys might have puffed up and met me head on. This guy simply raised his hands placatingly, turned on his heels and when back to his business.

Great, Jason. Real asshole move there, with someone who was just trying to help.

Still in a foul mood, I stormed out back into the locker room. Stripping off my sweat-drenched clothes, I decided hit the hot tub for a bit before heading home. I could already tell just how sore I was going to be tomorrow, and thought maybe it would help. And, maybe the heat and the jets would help me unclench, in the way that my workout had not. Plus… well, I loved the feel of the bubbles on my bare balls.

I slid in, and I think it was helping. Slowing me down. Relaxing. Bringing me back to myself. I got lost in the moment, as my mind slowly started to drift.

A sound brought me back. I looked over to see the guy I had accosted turn the corner, making his way to the hot tub. He saw me, and paused for a second….

Jesus.

I mean, Jesus. I thought he was a Greek god before, with his clothes on. Seeing him naked as the day he was born was like a revelation. A lesson in masculine form. Lots of gym rats end up with perfectly sculpted, but ultimately artificial bodies. Hyper definition, usually just for show. This guy was like the embodiment of how a man’s body should look in its ideal form. Muscles, but in the way they should be, naturally. Muscles for use, not for show. He obviously plays, or played… something. He had dark hair, and like me he had a good dusting of hair across his arms, body, and crotch… not like Sasquatch, but looking like a fucking man. Seeing him in all his naked glory literally stopped my breath for a second. I mean, who was this guy…? He looked like he had just won a dozen gold medals at the Olympics. I quietly thanked God he didn’t take my outburst as a challenge… the man could have crushed me like an empty beer can.

The Olympian stood there for a second, clearly wondering if it was worth it to get in naked to a hot tub, alone, with another naked guy who was quite possibly a psycho.

“Hey man!” I called out, abashedly. “Look, I’m really, really sorry about biting your head off earlier. I’m just… in a fucked-up head space right now and I lashed out stupidly. That was completely uncalled for, and… well, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, no worries,” the Olympian said as he casually hung his towel on one of the hooks. “We’ve all been there before. No harm, no foul.” There was again, such a… casual, natural confidence to him. Easy masculinity. But, surprisingly, a natural warmth to him, too. “Mind if I join you?”

“Nah, be my guest. I’m Jason, by the way.”

“Ryan. Nice to meet you.” He splashed in across from me, settled in and looked me over, gently. “I don’t know you from Adam, but you definitely seem to be out of sorts. Anything a stranger can help with?”

Part of me wanted to—finally!—unload. On him, on anyone. But there was no way I could go into the specifics. I opted for a few generalities. “Oh, just the usual… you know, relationship shit.”

“Ah,” he nodded. “Yeah, we’ve really all been there before. I’ve navigated a few shit-storms myself. I think the worst was when I followed a girl here to start a new life together, and she dumped my sorry ass like 24 hours later. I’ve vented on a lot of buds before, and am happy to return the favor if you want.”

I looked at him, at that sympathetic face, those hypnotic eyes… and strangely enough, I almost trusted him. Almost. Not quite. Not enough for specifics. But I realized just at that moment how much I needed to lean on someone. Anyone.

“Ugh, I don’t even know where to start. I think it’s the classic case of finding a great person who may or may not be the right person. Lots of complications. But the thing eating at me the most is… I may have fallen for… a friend. And since there are all the complications, I could end up torching a friendship if things go south. And that friendship is worth more than gold to me. I don’t have the best record with relationships, and I’m scared I could end up fucking things up, and losing… everything.”

“Hoo boy… yeah bud, I hear you. It’s scary as hell to be in that position, when we know exactly what we’ll lose if things don’t work out. It’s paralyzing. If it helps, I think that while the friendship can make it scarier than usual to make a move, in the end the best relationships are built from friendships. It’s just such a stronger foundation. You know what you’re getting into. You’ve likely seen them at their worst, and let them see you at your worst. You can 100% be yourself, and be seen for yourself. There’s a greater level of trust. A deeper connection. You can be there for someone so much more.” He chuckled. “But of course, I would say that… I fell for one of my friends, too. The complications I was staring down were probably way different from the ones you’re up against… but in the end, everything worked out. Together 7 years, and married for 5.”

“Hey man, congratulations, that’s great to hear!” It really was great to hear. “Not to pry, but can I ask how you got her to make the jump with you? What was your secret weapon?”

He looked at me for the briefest of pauses, but went on. “Well actually, it’s ’him.’ I told you my complications were probably different from yours.”

“Oh, God… sorry, I didn’t know!” I answered, embarrassed. And… let me tell you about all the complicated emotions that started ping-ponging in my head.

Ryan smiled, warmly. “Nah, not a problem. It came as a surprise to me, too—I didn’t even realize I could love a guy before. But I’ve come to believe you like a person, not a gender. Everything else is bullshit.”

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. My mind was running a mile a minute… so fast I almost forgot he was speaking. He kept going. “But to answer your question, he wooed me with a “Lord of the Rings” movie marathon. After that, I was all his!”

I barked out loud, appreciative laughter. “Must have been the extended edition, right?”

“How else to get to a guy’s heart?” Ryan laughed. “No, but he really was my best friend, who ended up being there totally by accident after my ex-girlfriend dumped me. I was really in a dark place, and he… kinda saved my life. We became tight, tighter than tight. He’s just… the best friend I could have asked for. The best guy I could have asked for. Always had my back, never asking for anything. Solid.” He gave me an appraising look. “And from the mopey look in your eyes, I’m guessing it’s the same for you and her, too… right?”

I wanted to say something, really unload, but I was too chicken shit. If nothing else, it seemed weird to ‘fess up to a total stranger, when I hadn’t even had the beginnings of a conversation with Matt. So, I just nodded vaguely.

“Like I said, the thought of losing that friendship was for a while too scary an obstacle for either of us to make a move, but that friendship ultimately made us that much stronger. I’m the Luckiest Guy in the World. But who knows,” he said, ribbing me lightly, “maybe the you’ll claim that title yourself. After you make your move… right?”

I was a raging storm of emotion, and barely knew what to say. There was a warm, gentle silence for a few minutes as he let me chew over his words. Finally, I stood up. “Yeah… yeah. Hey man, you’ve helped me more than I can ever say, but I need to head out. Thank you. I mean it. Thank you. You’ve… given me a lot to think about.”

“Happy to help, bud… I know what it’s like. Good luck!”

I was proud of myself for making it back to my car before I completely broke down into an ugly-crying mess.

Friday night was another round of fun with the guys at Town Hall, and I was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to drowning out the last of my doubts in a few much-needed adult beverages, and cutting loose. My buds always could lift my spirits.

It was a pretty normal night, with the crew in good form. I was sitting with a couple of buddies, shooting the shit, when a trio of girls approached our table. It looked like Maggie, Jackie, and…

“AMY??!!?” I blurted out, way too loud.

“Heya Pumpkin Man!” Amy fired back, smiling.

I… may have blushed. “Oh Jesus, you remember that…?” Everyone else was looking back and forth between us in utter surprise.

Amy was laughing, and looked around the table at all the bewildered faces. “Yes, I met Jason when he was trying—and spectacularly failing—to pull off this prank back in college. Oh… it went bad. And was reaaaaaaally messy. And stank.”

Everyone joined in the laughter. One of the guys at the table immediately piped up, “Oh shit… I remember! I thought you were going to be suspended! I don’t know how you talked your way out of that one!”

I tried to tamp down the laughter at my expense. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, how the hell are you?”

The thing is, Amy and I had kinda a convoluted history. I won’t lie, back in college I had a major thing for her. She was—is—smokin’ hot, with a hilariously sharp sense of humor. The kind of sweet-and-sour personality that guys lapped up. The thing is, we were like “When Harry Met Sally,” in that we kept having the worst timing: we were never both single at the same time. We occasionally hung out as part of a larger group for a time, but not regularly. She was one of those “what if” people in your lives. I’m pretty sure there was some chemistry, but we never had the opportunity to act. I had completely lost track of her after graduation.

She jumped into the conversation effortlessly, like we were all best of friends. Her sense of humor had lost none of its edge, and in a few minutes were all laughing uproariously. It was… a strange experience. I immediately felt all that old chemistry, immediately remembering why I used to jerk off thinking about her. But for all that, it was almost like an out of body experience. Like I was watching things happen, rather than living them. Amy had always been a total flirt; and sure enough, she would brush my arm repeatedly while telling this or that story. At one point, telling a mortifying story, she laughingly rested her head on my shoulder. But as much as I loved the attention, my feelings were just skating on the surface. I wasn’t getting the same electricity I got from….

“MATT!” I heard someone shout his name, and looked up to see the man himself standing right in front of us. In person. He was there! Looking as amazing as ever! I think my heart started glowing….

One of my buddies jumped in, “Hey man, good to see you! I thought Jason said you were out this week!”

“Yeah, that was the plan.” I’m not gonna lie, I had butterflies in my stomach seeing him. Hot as fuck. My All-American. But as he talked, I started to realize there was… something in his voice…. “Plans changed, and I decided to fly back after my training was done. Looks like just in time.” There was a leveled edge….

Shit. I realized Amy was still draped across my shoulder. Shit.

“Hey Matt!” I jumped in quickly. A low panic building, which I’m sure didn’t help. “This is… Amy. She’s an old friend. I mean, she’s not… old. She’s just a friend. Not old at all. Just a friend.” Shit. Was I babbling?

“So it seems,” Matt said, in a terrifyingly level voice.

Maggie jumped in, bubbling. “Yeah, I knew they knew each other and had some history, and that’s why they’d be perfect together. I was so happy when Jason agreed to go out with her again!”

Huh??!? I weakly stammered, “… I… agreed…?  …To go out….?” What the fuck? What the everlasting fuck? Panic, which had just started to raise its head inside me, now roared across my mind in full force.

Matt had an absolutely deadly look on his face as he smoothly turned to Maggie. “Oh. Really. When did he agree to go out with her?”

Maggie looked at Amy and I with a huge smile. “Oh, it was a couple of weeks ago, but this was the first time it worked out.”

Wait, a couple of weeks ago?? What the…? How did…? My brain furiously worked overtime, trying to make sense of what was happening. My senses heightened from raw fear. Yessssssss, I remember. Maggie and Jackie did talk to me a couple weeks ago. I was so focused on Matt that I barely remember….

Oh shit. They were talking about relationships. I wasn’t really paying attention. Shit. Shitshitshit. What did I say? What did I agree to?

Maggie went on, blindly unaware of the nails she was pounding into my coffin. “I just knew they’d be perfect for each other and am just so glad it’s finally worked out. It’s been too long since Jason had someone, and it’s about time! And don’t worry, Matt… you’re on my list, too! It’s been awful having the two of you sitting around lonely. You were the two most eligible guys around. Pretty soon, you were just both just going to be left with no one but each other, and no one wants that!”

Everyone laughed.

I turned to Matt, horrified. Terrified. Strangled words choking in my throat. Oh God. OH GOD. He kept on a mask of stoic manliness, but as I watched I could see that split second where his heart ripped in two.

And my heart shattered into a million, million pieces. No. NO. NO!!!!!

Matt hardened his face. I could see the effort it was costing him. “Well… it was a long… flight… and I should… you know… get home….” Without another word, he turned and all but bolted for the door.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Everyone at the table turned in confusion to watch him go. Thank God. They didn’t see the raw, wild terror rip across my face. My world, my whole fucking world was ripping itself apart. Oh God. OHGODOHGODOHGOD. This couldn’t happen! THIS CANNOT HAPPEN!

I shot up from the table, nearly flipping it. “Oh hey… I forgot… I have to ask Matt something… important.  Give me a sec, will you…?”

I desperately grabbed my coat and ran for the door. It was frustrating as hell, because it felt like everyone suddenly wanted to talk to me. It felt like I was like running through a carnival fun house, wildly distorted, trying to move forward, terror rising up. No! NO! NONONO!

I finally blasted through the crowd and threw open the door. It was a nasty evening, snowing fairly heavily and with a sharp wind to the point that everyone was inside—even the most dedicated smokers. I scanned the parking lot, but didn’t see him. NO! NONONONO! IT COULDN’T GO DOWN LIKE THIS! FUCK! FUCKFUCKFUCK!

Wait! Given how late it was, I realized that Matt would have had to have parked in the overflow parking lot further back. I sprinted. Panic driving me… THERE! I could see him! I could catch him! He had to listen to me. HE HAD TO FUCKING LISTEN!

“MATT! Hold up! Please! PLEASE! That’s not what you think it was! MATT! PLEASE!”

I finally caught up to him, and grabbed wildly for his arm. Matt wrenched it away from me and turned on me with an expression that was equal parts pain and rage. What was left of my heart shattered.

“FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!”

“Matt, no PLEASE! You don’t understand!” I was wild now, unhinged, desperate. No! This couldn’t be happening! NOT LIKE THIS!

“Oh I think I understand perfectly! I turn around for five minutes, and you couldn’t wait to grab someone new. Good job, bud! What, three whole days before you make your move?”

I was a ball of raw emotion. “NO! You caught like 1 minute of a conversation and jumped to the wrong conclusion! I WOULDN’T DO THAT! You KNOW me!”

Matt stopped raging for a second, which was a thousand times more terrifying. “And you know me.” He bit off every word. "You know how much Alicia fucked me up with all that bullshit, and you went and did the same thing. You! I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU!”

“Matt, please! This all makes no sense! We’ve been joined at the hip for the last two weeks, WHEN WOULD ALL OF THIS HAVE GONE DOWN? You’ve fucking SEEN me! You can check my phone! Look into my eyes! Remember all that emotion we shared together! Do you think I’m some kind of Oscar-winning actor that could have pulled off that much of an act? Listen to me! This is a misunderstanding! Just think for a second! You’ll see….”

And with that, Matt reared back and clocked me.

I staggered back, instinctively clapping my hand to my nose, checking for blood. And Matt came after me again.

I have no problem admitting that Matt has a few pounds of muscle over me.

But I’ve been in more bar fights.

In minutes, I had taken Matt down, sending him sprawling ass-first into the plowed snowbank at the edge of the lot, too stunned to move. And in that moment, I turned on him, every emotion in my body erupting at once.

“Would you fucking shut up and listen to me??!!!? I FUCKING LOVE YOU, YOU GOD! DAMN! FUCKING! FUCKWIT!”

Matt went absolutely still.

My voice was a vicious snarl. “I fucking love you, ok? Can you get that through your stupid-ass pea brain or do I have to fucking beat it into you? I love you. LOVE you. I love you so fucking much… you fucking make my whole chest hurt! I don’t think I ever knew what love was until I met you! Jesus fucking Christ!”

I stalked in a tight circle for about four steps until I rounded on him again, harshly jabbing my finger at him. “And it’s not just your dick, got it? I love YOU, like… all of you! I… love… that stupid way you eat pizza! I love the way you get… all weepy… when you watch animal videos! I love that you fucking always run ahead and open doors for people! That you fucking wave to your neighbors and ask them about their lives! Talk to bartenders and waitstaff like they matter! And I fucking love the way your smile makes me feel like the fucking King of the World! Do you think I’d throw everything away for 5 minutes of ass? You're the best thing to ever happen to me! Look, other people may be trying to set me up, but it doesn’t matter because YOU are the one I love, you stupid cuntshit. The ONLY one I love! Do you get it, or do I have to kick your ass again!”

I took a few steps and kicked a small snow boulder on the ground. It satisfyingly exploded into a million pieces. I stood there, panting. Matt hadn’t moved a muscle this whole time. Just looking downward. Silent. Shit.

Shit.

After a long, awkward pause, I gingerly walked over to Matt and sat down in the snow next to him. Unable to look at him. I breathed in a big sigh. “Sorry, Matt. That… um, came out wrong.”

He murmured out, without looking at me, “You mean you don’t really love me?”

“What? NO! I absolutely love you. Hard. Just with… maybe… less swearing and… um, threats.”

There was a pause that seemed to last forever. Then Matt started shaking… shaking… and finally threw his head back and started howling with laughter. Big, open laughter. The kind of laughter where you just fucking went limp from laughing so hard. I started at him indignantly for a moment, but then joined him. Laughing. Roaring. All kinds of emotion being released into the snowy air. Laughing.

Until just like that, he started crying. As hard as we had been laughing. A release of a thousand tears' worth of emotion. I grabbed him, and in a flash I was ugly crying right there with him. “I’m so sorry Matt. I’m so sorry. God, I love you. You have to know how much I love you. I know what that must have looked like, but that was all them. They were trying to set me up, it had nothing to do with me. There’s only you. Please, please… you have to believe me. The only time I felt alive this whole fucking week is when you walked in and I saw you.” Matt was a mess, his face pressed against me, holding me desperately. “It’s okay. I’ve got you bud. I will always have you.”

Matt recovered enough poise to pull his face up, and look me dead in the eye. “God, I love you, Jason. You have no idea. I don’t even think I had an idea until I saw you there, with that girl, and thought I’d lost you. However bad it was learning how Alicia was unfaithful… seeing you and her was a thousand times worse. I wasn’t strong enough for that. These last few weeks, you’ve been my everything.” There was a big pause, but finally Matt unleased in a rush. “And seeing you with her was like the confirmation of my biggest fear. That any day you were going to realize you don’t need this. That I’m getting ahead of my skis, and you don’t need me as much as I need you. I mean, shit… Jason, you could walk into any place and go home with whoever you want. You’re fucking incredible. I feel like I don’t have a right to any of this.”

I took his head in my hands. “Matt, how the hell could you think even that? Of course I need you! And look, I’m just a dumb fuck-up, trying to get by in life. You’re… the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You make me want to be a better man, just so I’m somehow fucking worthy of you. Trust me, I’m so getting the better deal here.”

Matt sob-laughed, and went in to kiss me… on my freshly-punched jaw. I yelped, just a little. “Oh God, Jason, I’m so sorry! So fucking sorry!”

I clambered to my feet, then reached down and pulled Matt up as well. “C’mon. Let’s get out of here. I know a perfect way for you to make it up to me. Somehow, I have a feeling that make-up sex with you is gonna be EPIC!” And I hugged him harder than anyone I’ve ever hugged in my life.

As it turns out, I was right about the make-up sex… the next 24 hours or so were some of the best of my life. On an entirely different level. It only took a few moments to realize that as much as we had been fucking with passion, we were now fucking with emotion.

And that made a world of difference.

But more than that, I realized something else. Something amazing. Something life-changing:

As good as this was… this was only the beginning.

And I can’t wait for the rest.

* * *

 

EPILOGUE

The next few months were a blur, in all the best ways. We took things somewhat slowly, as Matt and I still had a fair amount of emotional bullshit to work through. But, we worked on everything together. And it felt like every day drew us closer. That advice I had gotten was dead-on, it was so much better having started off as friends. Easier. We really could be 100% ourselves.

But for all that, we still hadn’t said anything publicly to our families, co-workers, or to the crew. Part of it was practical… everything was so new, and it was easier for us to work through things in private, outside of the spotlight. And, in honesty, I wasn’t sure how anyone would respond. I wanted Matt and I to have a solid foundation before we opened ourselves up for criticism. Neither of us could forget that night that my crew essentially laughed at the idea of us ever being together.

But they were still my crew.

One weekend night, we were hanging out at Town Hall, living life out loud. Matt and his arch-rival Paul were locked in a pool game to end all pool games. Surrounded by fans. I loved watching him play, flush with life. I didn’t see exactly what happened, but apparently Matt got off one helluva shot to end the game, and the crowd erupted. Money changed hands. Matt did some embarrassing kind of victory move, while Paul screamed and laughingly threatened to kick his ass.

After absorbing the praise of the onlookers, Matt sauntered over to my table, pretty much full of himself. “All hail the conquering hero!” he intoned.

“Lucky break?” I ribbed him.

“The conquering hero needs no luck!” Matt shot back haughtily. “Stay there for a sec, the conquering hero is getting us drinks… on Paul’s tab. Because,” as he shot a look in Paul’s direction, “because Paul’s a loo-ser!”

Paul rolled his eyes and laughingly flipped Matt off. I watched Matt make his way to the bar, thinking how I was the luckiest bastard in the world.

My buddy Rick showed up, shaking his head and making a theatrical groan. “What’s your problem?” I asked mockingly.

“Jesus, dude. You’ve got it bad.”

All my laughter and high spirits of the evening died away instantly, replaced by icy fear. “What… what do you mean? I…”

“Oh please,” Rick responded. “Do you think you guys are subtle? That we don’t know what’s up? Hell, we talk about it all the time.”

“I…”

“The only thing I can’t figure out is why you two don’t just come out and say something. I mean, what… are you afraid we’re gonna gay bash you or something?”

“I…”

“Holy shit… that’s it, isn’t it. You think we’re gonna like… jump you in the parking lot. Curb stomp you. Isn’t it?”

“I…”

“What the hell? You know what, Jason? You can fuck off. You can fuck all the way off. How can you think…? Jesus. Do you remember that time a while back when I was spiraling down, screwing up my life? Do you remember what you said to me? What you did for me?”

“I…”

“I’ll cut to the end. You probably fucking saved my life. Picked me up, dusted me off, and got me going again. Do you think a man forgets something like that? And Jesus Christ… how many times have you done that, for how many of the guys here? That’s what you do, man. That’s what makes you… you. And you think we're gonna repay you by kicking your ass or something? Fuck you, Jason. Fuck. You.”

“I…”

“But hey, I came over to tell you there’s a change of plans for watching the game on Sunday. Still at 1:00, but we’re meeting up at Ian’s place instead. He got a fancy new TV he’s all proud of. I’m putting you in charge of the wings. Oh! And can you have Matt bring that nacho dip he makes? That shit is good.”

“I…”

“Ooo… there’s Mike. Hey Mikey! Hold up a second! I have a question for you…!”

And with that Rick vanished back into the crowd, leaving me stunned speechless. That was… a lot of information in 30 seconds.

After a moment, Matt came back carrying a pair of drinks. “The conquering hero is back! What did Rick want? Jason? Jason??”

I just quietly looked at Matt, barely able to put two thoughts together. Finally, I said blankly, “He… knows. I guess they all… know.”

“Shit,” Matt said, as he slowly lowered the drinks to the table. “Shit. Well… what do you want to do?”

I looked at him. “Only one thing to do, I guess.”

I stood, and put a couple of fingers to my mouth… letting loose with an air raid siren of a whistle that probably stopped traffic for three square blocks. All sounds from the bar ceased; I had the floor.

“Listen up, jerkwads! I’ve got something to say to you all!”

With that, I stepped to Matt, and laid on him the biggest, juiciest, most theatrical kiss of my life. Long and deep. Bending him backwards in a dip. Surprised noises filled the air, and someone let loose a wolf-whistle. With that, I pulled back, and defiantly scanned the room. “We good? As you were!”

There was the briefest of pauses, when suddenly the bar exploded in an exuberant avalanche of masculine camaraderie. Cheers! Applause! Whoops! Those closest to Matt and I surged forwards. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Paul give Matt a flying tackle of a hug from behind, before I was buried under a hailstorm of overenthusiastic back-slapping.

Yeah… I really was the luckiest bastard in the world.

In the end, I was left with a random, stray thought: it was wildly premature, and wildly presumptuous, but I had to wonder…

…how many groomsmen are you allowed at a wedding…?

 

THE END