Life on 19 Covid Ave

After work, Carl settled into the bar stool he sits at most nights. He’s a mortgage broker in Boston. He’s been in the business for years now. He started as a Banker at Bank of Boston, then Citizens bank. Quickly he got all the certifications needed to be a Mortgage Specialist. Working for a bank that doesn’t hold their own mortgages is a challenge. Carl would prequalify people but eventually lose many a mortgage to brokers that offered better rates than he could.

Well, if you can’t beat them, join them, he thought. 29 years ago, Carl Simpson walked into “Friendly Neighborhood Mortgage” in the South End of Boston to apply for a job. Mark Green heard of Carl. Carl heard of Mark. They negotiated a deal on the spot. Carl gave his notice to the bank the next day. As expected, Citizens dismissed him immediately and Mark started his new job 5 days later on a Monday.

Now, sitting on his stool, his stool, the bartender Sammy dropped off Carl’s pre-dinner 4 olive Martini. They chatted about the day as usual, weather, the new shelves behind Sam and Sam promoted the pork tenderloin special he just sampled.  Of course Carl would order it. Sammy liked it. Sammy knows what Carl likes.

Soon the bar is filling with strangers and friends and neighbors. Sammy goes into overdrive. He’s animated. He’s the main attraction at “dinner and theatre.” He’s laughing, talking spinning and putting on a show at the bar.  A few minutes after the Martini is gone, his salad arrives with a glass of Chardonnay, Carl’s favorite, and the night continues through his pork entree, second glass of wine and lively chatter. Sammy doesn’t miss a beat. Carl counts on these nights to connect to the world after a long day at work. He prefers this to going home without any human contact.

Carl wasn’t always alone. At 62, he had his share of romance, lust and 3 important relationships. He loved them all at the right times but Kevin was the love of his life. His last love. The relationship ended with Kevin in love with a coworker and Carl confused and blindsided. They lived together for 11 years. Since then, Carl was mostly alone for 8 years. Well, besides an occasional fling. It would work like this, a guy on the street would give him that look and...

Those encounters were more infrequent now. Carl needed connection, not sex. 

Each night he’d walk the few blocks from the bar to his condo. He would be greeted by Bertha, his 8 year old pug who would spin around, jump and sometime excited, pee before Carl could get his leash out to walk him. This was Bertha’s favorite walk of the day. The streets were full of other dogs and their owners. This was Bertha’s playtime, but Carl was winding down by now. Once satisfied Bertha had enough attention and social time, He’d walk home. Once home he’d strip down to his underwear and cuddle with Bert under a fuzzy blanket until he drifted to sleep. 

These nights were only interrupted by Jill, his best friend from high school, or a few friends long married and mostly unavailable. With his parents and both brothers gone now, it was just Carl and Bertha.

Carl and Kevin met in 1997. Kevin, a litigation Attorney at One Financial was purchasing a fancy new condo at 505 Tremont Street. When he contacted Carl for rates on a 15 year fixed, Carl started to paint a picture in his mind of him. He was friendly, funny and obviously successful based on the million plus condo he was buying. Carl also sensed he was gay. He was very friendly and dropped several hints referring to gay friendly restaurants, businesses and clubs. Carl by now had a good idea what this guy looked like. At least in his fantasy mind. After small talk and a positive rate, Carl started the application over the phone, the basics, name, address, social security, monthly income... wow Carl thought. That’s a lot. Next, occupation, Attorney..... screech. Carl hated lawyers. Well maybe not hate but as he dated a few, he never connected with one. He found them arrogant and overly opinionated. Try to win a fight with a lawyer, he would think. Now with his fantasy crushed, carl continued mechanically going through the motions of his application. He told Keven he would emailing disclosures that needed to be signed and he provided a list of what he needed by next week. Kevin said he will drop everything off by 5. Carl said today? It’s 2:30. Kevin said he preferred to get it done. He asked if Carl  would be there. Carl had plans with his friend Jill at 4:30 so he was planning to leave at 4:00. Carl quickly answered, “yes, of course, I’ll be here at 5:00.” Kevin, “Look forward to seeing you then, bye”

Carl put his hand on his face and laughed a little. Why was he excited? He called Jill for a rain check. 

The day dragged on. As Carl looked at his watch, it was 4:30. He grabbed his toothbrush from his desk. He was the only one left in the office. He ran in to pee and brush his teeth. He turned the water on full splashing his trousers, “Damn!” He brushed his teeth, dried his pants the best he could and rushed out of the bathroom and right into Kevin staring at him. Kevin had a folder in his hand. Carl stopped frozen and looked at Kevin. He was beautiful, handsome, dark, tall, maybe Latino with full lips and a beautiful body. He was smiling at Carl standing with his toothbrush in his hand and a wet spot or area on his pants. Carl was flustered and explained he just ate lunch and was brushing his teeth and “I splashed wat.... “ Kevin interrupted Carl’s rant and asked if he would like to go for a drink. Carl immediately, almost loudly said, “yes please”. Then he thought, please? Did I say that? Like I’m begging for a drink or something?

Carl tried to get it together and asked Kevin to have a seat for a minute to go over the packet. Kevin said it wasn’t necessary. Everything is there. “Why don’t I give you a few minutes to close up and meet you at Hamersly’s  at 5:15”, he said smiling. Carl nodded and stood in awe with Kevin’s packet in his hand. He watched as he turned to leave. Keven flashed a beautiful smile again. Of course that matched his beautiful ass and his beautiful suit. Carl just stood there for a minute thinking Hamersly’s? Fancy. Expensive. Small bar. Kind of straight. Hmm

Carl walked into Hamersly’s wishing he hadn’t worn the ugliest suit he owned. He was in the office alone most of the day and didn’t try very hard this morning. The small bar was to the left of the front door. Carl recalled Julia Childs. She often said “Hamersly’s is my favorite restaurant in Boston.”

Carl stood looking at the bar, no Kevin. He was disappointed. He slapped the top of a stool. Then he heard his name. Keven stood by a quiet table in the back of the restaurant smiling again. Carl smiled and joined him. Kevin said, “I hope you don’t mind? I took the liberty of getting a table for dinner.” Carl said great! I’m starved, I haven’t eaten all....” they both laughed now remembering Carl said he just ate after getting caught brushing his teeth. Carl was feeling bold. Comfortable to be honest, he said, “well, I though if you were half as good looking as you are personable and nice, I need to have fresh breath.” Kevin smiled and reached in to kiss him lightly on the lips. Carl was in shock. So soon. So unexpected. So nice. By the time they closed Hamersly’s, Carl’s opinion of Attorneys changed. Kevin was a thoughtful, intelligent listener and a good and interesting talker.  He made it clear, he liked Carl. This was “the beginning”.

The next few months were a dream, a continual love story. They were learning about each. It was all very exciting. They went to Provincetown for a weekend and stayed at the Red Inn. Kevin chose the most beautiful room with a view and then never left the grounds. Kevin asked Carl to move into his fancy condo. It was all set, the beginning was over. On to the middle.

February 1, 2020, Carl woke up on the sofa around 11pm. As he planned to drag himself to bed, the top news story was the novel Coronavirus spreading rapidly around the world. It wasn’t the first time Carl heard of it. It was the first time he was a bit concerned. A few cases were reported in the US. They were emphasizing “novel”. As they were reporting, Carl googled novel, new, never seen before, no immunity. He watched the players in the Presidents Coronavirus task force. Dr Brix  and Dr Fauci made him feel safe. He was relieved that Trump had the best experts working on this. Carl sat for a minute and thought of the Stephen King novel “The Stand”. He imagined he had a genetic immunity to it? He laughed and thought everything would be fine. He went to bed.

February through early March, the Coronavirus went from joke to a real fear. The President or Mr Apprentice said not to worry, it’s the flu. It will go away. Sammy at the bar had Corona beer specials. Every night Corona was on the bar televisions and everyone’s tongues. Around mid March, Carl heard of a Biogen conference at the Marriott, up to 100 people were sick. God knows how many they infected. Carl was getting concerned. People were dying of this. He was weary around people and only felt safe at home with Bertha. 11 years single and he didn’t feel lonely. Now, the virus made him feel isolated and alone.

By mid March Governor Charlie Baker declared a state of emergency. Everything was blowing up in the city. Then, March 17th it stopped, everything. President Trump asked the US workforce to stay home unless they were deemed essential. Carl wasn’t essential. Actually he could easily work from home. The problem was nights. What would he do? Bertha and he had to eat, so he carefully dressed. He wore gloves and wrapped a scarf around his mouth.  He bought lots of canned soups, crackers, dog food, toilet paper and wine. He needed a lot of wine. Once home, he stripped down and showered hoping he was safe. He sat on the sofa. Clicked on CNN holding a can of Dinty Moore beef stew, he watched and ate it cold. The next day he got up, didn’t shower and worked from his couch all day. Getting those mortgages closed on time with so many changes and obstacles was distracting. He worked until 7 pm that night. He opened up a bottle of wine and poured a glass. He sat. He allowed himself to think of the past with Kevin. The middle. The good times after he moved to his fancy condo. He was 39 or 40 he thought about how people found him handsome then...

Carl used his key for the first time. With Kevin, he moved his things in over the weekend. Kevin was a minimalist and loved modern contemporary furniture. Carl either had junk,  he’d be happy to trash or a few family pieces that he hand picked after his mom died. Kevin told him this was his house too. “Put anything you want, wherever you want.”  As Carl tried pieces in the living room and bedroom, he could tell Kevin was dying inside but never said a word. He loved that Kevin loved him that much. It didn’t matter. Within 3 days, Carl put the few things he had in the 3rd bedroom, renamed “Carl’s room”.  Now, Kevin seemed more relaxed or maybe relieved. 

Carl was the salt to Kevin’s pepper, blonde hair, blue eyes, smooth, shorter but tight, compact and muscular. They were a handsome couple. Kevin seemed to enjoy the looks they would get from others. Carl was oblivious. All he cared about was Kevin. The world revolved around what Kevin wanted and needed. It wasn’t that Kevin was selfish. Kevin loved him and did a lot for Carl but Carl’s world revolved around Kevin.

They settled into a wonderful life. No money worries, they did an purchased whatever they wanted. They traveled, had parties, entertained for friends and work and lived well. Both loved holidays. Their holiday parties were the best. They were happy. Yes, as Carl sat at the table years later, he remembered “the middle”, the midst of this relationship was the best time of his life. The end? It really sucked.

Back to the future, as March was sliding into April, Carl hadn’t showered in 3 days. He was drinking a bottle or 2 of wine every night and still eating soup out of a can, cold. He was a mess emotionally and physically. With most all human connection gone he was having thoughts he never experienced before. He wondered, if he had a heart attack and died, how long would it take for them to find him? Would Bertha chew on his arm when she got hungry? Is there anyone, besides Jill, who would really care? 

He thought of Kevin. Why? Why now? If he was still with Kevin, life would be different. He would care. Why not now? By the end of April, Carl was lonely, he missed his social connections at the pub. That was enough for so many years. Now being alone every night, he didn’t only yearn for going to dinner. He wanted more. He deserved to have more. He thought about love more than sex. He wanted someone to love him again. He knew he could love again. No matter what the future holds, he though first things first. He pledged to get up, get dressed, exercise Bertha and himself and heat his meals for himself. He would eat sitting at the table. He’d limit himself to 1 glass of wine. Unless he was really stressed. Then maybe 2. Actually, if he stopped at 3, he’d be happy. These goals  took a couple of weeks to achieve. The wine was a funny psychological thriller. First 2 huge glasses and a third, if stressed, translating to a bottle. Then 2 large or 2 medium or 1 very large. Now, mostly 1 glass of whatever size he wanted that night. Thousands were dead in Massachusetts. It was stressful. Everything. He was proud to be taking care of himself body and soul. He even prayed a few times when things got really low. It’s amazing how those prayers, like old songs he sang with his mother, came back and comforted him when he needed comfort most. If it wasn’t for Jill’s constant love and support, he would be entirely alone. He loved Jill and Jill loved him. Long married, she would drop everything for Carl. She fell in love with him in high school and although a different love developed, she loved him since then, faithfully.

The Governor, Mayor and experts like Dr Fucci agreed masks and social distancing were the best ways to go. Carl decided it was time to shave, mask up and bring Bertha out of the bunker, back yard and into the street. There they could say hello to real people.

Coming back out those first times reminded Carl of “the end” of Kevin and his relationship. He was so lonely then. It’s lonely when you’re alone but it’s lonelier when you’re in a relationship and feel alone. Kevin just stopped. Literally overnight. He went from loving partner to the short replying, sarcastic lawyer he feared he was originally. He was so confused until he came home early one night to find Kevin in bed with his assistant. A handsome man in his late 20’s. Carl started yelling, well maybe screaming at Edward to get out of his bed. Kevin boldly sat up and said “don’t you EVER talk to him like that. Like everything else here, this is my bed.” Carl couldn’t believe what he just heard but all at once he knew it was over. Carl was a proud man, he knew he didn’t want to be with an arrogant person that no longer loved him. The very next day, without fan fair, he cleared out the few items he had in the condo, all his clothes, he moved in with Jill and her family for a month. They fed him. Made sure he was safe and mending. He needed to move on from this quickly. He never received a single phone call from Keven. That’s all he needed to move on. He would buy a condo and start a new life. Healing though, that was an entirely different situation. 

Today as he walked down the stairs of his brownstone, mask on with Bertha’s leash in his hand, he thought of those first steps moving on, healing from Kevin. It was similar to these  first steps back into life.  He had to pass through pain. He noticed everyone had masks on and everyone wanted to talk. They talked about their grandparents that died, parents, someone’s high school fiend David from Methuen, just 55, a nurse down the street. These were the people representing the numbers reported every night on the news. Massachusetts lost the equivalent of two World Trade Center disasters in just a few months. Now real faces to Carl. The dogs still barked, played and sniffed. The adults talked, talk turned playful and maybe some wished they could sniff another’s body like the dogs did. Everyone sane and single was in the same situation, lonely without human contact. Day after day Carl met his neighbors and talked about Covid, now the more commonly used word for the virus. With so much death, loss, and sadness, still little by little people were talking about all kinds of things and moving forward.

Carl started looking forward to visits with Eddie and Hawk with their Boston Terrier. Their dogs got along well. Both men, 10-20 years younger than him, gave Carl a lot of attention. Eddie actually openly flirted with Carl. This made Carl feel good but Hawk seemed uncomfortable. The last thing Carl wanted was to cause trouble between this couple. Carl decided to back off.

Now in the month of June, some people were really experiencing Covid fatigue. They just didn’t care anymore. Numbers were just numbers to some, not Carl. This particular day Ed and Hawk showed up earlier, like Carl started doing to avoid any awkwardness with them. This was an unusual day. Hawk was alone with Sparky, the terrier, while Ed was talking to a neighbor very closely just up the street. Hawk was a really sweet guy. He worked for the Justice Department and was very ethical about what he could and couldn’t discuss. They smiled at each other sheepishly as they parted ways. Carl wondered what would or could be if not for Covid. Before Carl hit his second stair, Eddie came from nowhere and said “hey big boy. I’m going to come up with you and rock your world” as his hand rubbed Carl inappropriately. Taken by surprise Carl slapped his hand away and caught Hawks eye as he turned and walked away.

Carl was pissed and said “what the fuck Eddie. Where did that come from. I want to live, no you can’t come up today. Actually not ever”.

Eddie said “big surprise, you are a tight ass, just like Kevin always said you were.” Carl on the forth step up turned and said “what did you say?” At the same time he recognized Edward’s now older face. Still younger than Carl, he was not that handsome man caught in bed with Kevin that day. Eddie said “you heard me. I just wanted to see if the rumor was true, ya know big guy?” “Fuck off, you’ll never know dick breath.” Eddie laughed and said “ I never loved him you know. I wanted what he could give me, so I took him. When he was dying he wanted me to call you. Can you believe that. Why the fuck would I do that?” “I was out of there.” Carl’s head was spinning. “Kevin is dead? How? When?” “He took that promotion in NY a year after you left. He was an asshole. Dumbass gets hit by a car. Can you believe it? He lingered for 3 weeks. They thought he’d make it but he didn’t. His fucking parents swooped in and I came back to Boston with nothing. I’ve had to fight for everything my whole life...” Carl cut him off and went upstairs. He sat in the living room drenched in memories. “He wanted me there.” He thought. The thought made him so terribly sad. “He loved me. He was trapped.”

The next two days were hard on Carl. By the 3rd day, Carl was raging at what Covid had done to him and to our country. He couldn’t help the other feelings he experienced, Covid also was a weird blessing. It gave him  time and clarity to finally put Kevin away.  It’s been too long. Too many wasted years in limbo, work, pub, sleep.  Kevin loved him. He knew now. He was grateful but 11 years have passed, Kevin was long gone and he was determined to finally move on. 

Some time later. Maybe a couple of weeks, he ran into Hawk and Sparky. He had a really nice long talk with Hawk. Carl asked what was up with his boyfriend? “Open relationship?” “No! former roommate. He kept sneaking guys into my house in the middle of all this Covid mess. He only had the clothes on his back and a few things. I left his bags in the hallway and rekeyed the locks. He was putting my life in danger. He screamed in the hallway for an hour. Haven’t seen him since. Almost a week. So I figure I’m safe again in a week.” “Safe in a week?” Yes Covid safe, it will be 14 days since Eddie” Hawk laughed. In that moment, Carl thought he hasn’t seen Hawks face without a mask. He grew to love his laugh and smiling eyes yet he never saw his face.

Carl felt bold and with nothing to lose said “Hawk, I like you. I want to see you, really talk to you. Since I’ve been isolated for months and you’re good in a week, can I cook you dinner next Friday? No masks?” He could see Hawks eyes smile as he said, “I’d love that.” Carl said bring Sparky. It’s a family dinner” then he turned and left.

The next week was incredible for Carl, it was an awakening. It was like Spring after a long winter. Excited he cleaned, found his good dishes, candlestick and other decorations that sat in cabinets. They were his parents things. His brothers wife kept giving him items after his brothers death. She insisted he would use them someday. He bought flowers and actually cooked like he used to all those years ago. His house was alive with smells of food, flowers, cleaners, candles and good memories. It was home, finally. It was also Friday. Carl looked around proudly. It looked like somebody really cared. He did. He was back from “the end” and ready for a new “beginning”. Carl took an hour to pick out the right clothes. This was new. He looked in the mirror and saw a handsome, fit and worthy man. The buzzer rang. Carl said “come up” into the microphone. When Carl opened the door, Hawk took his breath away. He was beautiful to Carl. Dark, medium build, full lips, white teeth and those eyes and eyelashes... Hawk and Sparky came in and started down the hall. Hawk stopped and turned. He looked at Carl and gave him a beautiful sensual but gentle kiss on the lips. He said “I hope you don’t mind but I really wanted to do that.” Carl smiled and said “I’m really glad you did.” They continued into the living room talking and laughing, completing the picture of a home, full and happy. Their dogs, equally excited, played on the floor, settling on sniffing each other’s butts. This was it, finally Carl had a new “beginning.”