Keep Dreaming, Cocksucker

"Blow me, you fucking loser." "Eat my shorts." "Choke on my dick." "Keep dreaming, cocksucker."

Do you see a pattern there? A consistent reference to a certain kind of activity?

It was all just words, empty words... Until a month ago, after we all graduated from high school, turned 18, and were about to go off to college.

Jacob started throwing these oral sex references into his insults, among our tribe of friends, when we were all about 15 or 16. Half of us had just met the other half, when grade 9 graduates from one of the two middle schools in our town, and we all go into 10th grade at the one Senior High School.

We were the "minnows" of the school swim team (annoying nickname for the 10th graders, younger and new to the team). There were 14 or 15 boys on the whole team, and I was the best performer by far among the five minnows.

My name is Derrick. Today at age 18 I'm quite tall, with long muscular arms and a big broad set of lungs. I placed 4th in the all-state swim championships a few months ago... but even then, when we were minnows, my body and my abilities were starting to come in strong. And no matter what, I was in the pool, 100%. I practiced and practiced and practiced like it's a religion. I don't think I'm gonna be the next Michael Phelps - but the facts are that last May I ranked as the 4th best high school swimmer for boys’ freestyle in the whole state of Massachusetts. Sorry to keep repeating it but I am still so proud. I'll tell you, it does feel fucking great to say that!

The minnows, back in the Fall of 2013, were me, Mick, Wei-Shang, Sammy, and Jacob. Three white and two (Wei and Sammy) Asian. We became pretty tight as friends, that year, spending a lot of time together.

When Jacob started in with all that "Suck my dick, bitch" and "Choke on this" trash talk, it got privately complicated for me. I looked up to the older boys on the swim team. I tried to be more like them, and privately, in my mind, I was starting to have strong desire-type feelings for two or three of them. And we all spent tons of time together in the pool. The pool, and the showers. I tried to stay focused on just swimming, but, well, imagine someone's body lifting itself out of water right in front of you, and he’s all strong and shining dripping wet. And you notice every drop of water falling across the muscles of the back and shoulders and arms, and you notice the exact shape of the tight little swimsuit clinging to the round curves of his butt.

I tried to stay focused on swimming, I really did. But it was not always easy!

Jacob was not one of the boys I was starting to have urges for. To describe him then: chubby, sort of soft looking, medium-short in height, kind of a big round square face, not ugly but not hot either, and always goofing around, being lazy about practice. He was boisterous, half-fun and half-annoying. Eventually his laziness on the team ranked him at or near the bottom. And the next year, even most of the Fall 2014 minnows, six new boys on the team, were better swimmers than Jacob.

So it was no big surprise when he decided, end of that year, to quit the team. We all still spent time together as friends though, partly because Jacob was one of the rich kids in town and his house was great to hang out at. And we all did genuinely like the kid, and all the laughs and goofing around together.  But, yeah, the swim team moved on, and it coalesced into its new 2015-2016 shape… with me as its #1 and its captain, and without loud fun lazy Jacob in it.

Something else happened that year, my senior year. I became secret boyfriends with Sammy, one of the other top swimmers on our team. Sammy is Asian and gorgeous and a really talented diver. We were 17 when it started and then turned 18 in February (me) and April (Sammy).  I want to stay in bounds here, LOL, so I'm telling you that until we both turned 18, all we did was innocent stuff like go to the movies and eat ice cream cones and text little hearts back and forth, and that's all we ever did.. and you'll believe me, right?

Right.

The truth I can share, within bounds, is that in April and May, with both of us age 18, I could not get enough of Sammy. Romantically and sexually. His beautiful Taiwanese face, his perfect strong smooth body and the way he moved, his softest smoothest skin, the way we kissed so fucking good, the way he moaned and panted in his low sexy voice when I was fucking him, the way he loved feeling the warm rush when I came deep inside his butt. All true! We had sex and sex and sex and more sex. Whenever we could. Often in my car. We were mutually addicted. I repeat, I could not get enough of this boy.

Sammy loved to take lots of photos of the two of us, Derrick-and-Sammy, he loved the visual contrast. Me, tall and lanky and pale blue-eyed European blond looks. Sammy, shorter, golden color skin, black hair, deep set dark eyes, the most beautiful smile. He still has lots of private pics of my dick, LOL. It fascinated him, it's a big thick one and he loved to suck it and get fucked by it and just worship it. Fine by me!

We didn't tell anyone about us. It just seemed too risky to complicate things on the team. Senior year was great, but we also had this secret the whole time.

One friend I was kind of worried about was Jacob. Like, would he get all homophobic on me and Sammy if he found out? All that stuff he used to say all the time. Cocksucker, suck my dick, all of that. For years. But actually Jacob was changing, since he left the swim team. He goofed around less, and when we would all catch up, he dropped all the crude talk and was talking instead about going to college in New York City where his cousins live, and pursuing a career in media/entertainment. This was unusual because all the rest of us were still thinking like teenagers... We were focused on the here and now, swimming and fun times. And for me, lots of private time with Sammy whenever we could. Sure, we were eager for college, but not really thinking past that. Or at least I wasn't. So I was kind of impressed to see that side of Jacob.

In May I went to the All-State swimming championships and placed 4th in freestyle. It was intense, I spent so much time in the pool. All else was a blur. I really felt like a complete "jock" then. Living to play, to perform, compete, a human-animal machine, and nothing else mattered. My friends and our swim coach came to watch and cheer several times, and that meant a lot to me. It was the best achievement of my life so far. There was even a story about me in the local news!

A sad thing started to happen in early June a few weeks before high school graduation. Sammy told me he wanted to have sex with other guys and that we should be realistic, we were headed off to different parts of the country to go to college. Me staying local here in Boston, and Sammy headed to UCLA in sunny southern California. So, we had some arguments about all this, and we broke up when I learned Sammy was actually already hooking up regular with some guy from the next town.

I noticed friends were kind of "reaching out" to me right after this, and I felt stupid when I realized why. Yes: Everybody knew about me and Sammy. Everybody had known for months and months, and they didn't care. My competing in the state championships had been more of the focus anyway.  But in June, a bunch of us talked openly about me and Sammy one evening, at the local ice cream place. Good conversation. It seemed in that moment like us kids were really growing up, we were becoming older and better versions of us, and I liked this a lot.

One funny thing happened in that conversation. I mentioned Jacob (who wasn't there), and how I was relieved he had cut out his habit of all that oral-sex trash talk, because I couldn't tell if he meant it homophobic or not.

My friends all looked at each other with these awkward, knowing glances. Finally Mick nudged his gorgeous girlfriend Alexis, and said "Lexie, go ahead." He turned to me, chuckling, "Lexie has a theory about this."

Alexis began.  "Well, first... sorry Derrick, but... OK. Jacob only stopped saying all that stuff around *you*. When you're not around, he's as bad as ever."

"Wait -- really?" I looked around. Friends nodding their heads. Mick said, "In fact that was one of the last things he said when we were hanging out last weekend. He said 'Keep dreaming, cocksucker.' Like he always does."

But Lexie went on. "Derrick, I think he's kinda obsessed with you. He wanted us all to go to every one of your state final swim meets, out in Framingham. He talks about you a LOT. He was definitely jealous of Sammy. I won't repeat all the sexual stuff he said but it was clear, clear to me anyway, he wanted to be in Sammy's position if you know what I mean. And even before that, last year he was always staring at you, staring, like a dog, every time you climbed up out of the pool in your little Speedo."

"What?!! I can't -- this is crazy."

But they all kind of agreed with her.

A few weeks after graduation, in early July, Jacob and his older sister threw a really fun party and invited everybody. Their parents were away. I lied to my mom and said we were all going down to Jacob's family cottage on Cape Cod.

The party was awesome. It felt like a scene that was definitely post high school, and so much better. It was the most fun I had in a long time. It went on almost all night and like more than 50 people were there, and there was even a DJ booth set up in their back yard with some guy playing great stuff, and little laser lights.

So at the party, I think about what Alexis said, and I keep noticing Jacob looking at me, and I start sort of checking him out too. He's changed so much these past two years. His chubbiness at 16 was all soft and shapeless and little-boy looking. But he's clearly been hitting the gym big-time since then. His body now looks squat and thick and powerful, the full-belly softness is anchored by strong beefy furry legs and a broad back and wide shoulders and big muscular barrel chest. It works, it really does: he looks kind of hot. A totally different kind of body type than mine, and it somehow draws me in. Jacob's face is more square/masculine shaped and kind of handsome now, and he's growing a short dark-brown beard. Damn, He is really turning into a man now, a bit faster than the rest of us 2016 high school graduates. Fascinating.

I look back at the shape of Jacob's broad chest underneath his shirt, and I notice his nipples pointing out through the fabric. They look so inviting, I get this crazy urge to pull off Jacob's shirt and play with them, tug on them, maybe even suck on them.

And I notice my big dick is starting to rise and get hard in my cargo shorts.

And I notice, in the half light of the backyard and the party scene and all my friends are here, I notice the gummy bears are starting to take effect, ha ha! MDMA-infused gummy bears. Some friend of Jacob's sister brought them. I ate two or three when they were passed around. Before graduation I was so serious about swimming and almost never did anything like this, but now in this summertime space between high school and college... why not!

I stand on the back steps and I just feel a surge of floaty euphoria, everything and everyone looks so fucking sexy and fun and beautiful on this warm summer night, even Jacob's fat sister looks so sensual and sweet... I'm filled with gratitude to her and Jacob for this perfect night. The whole scene seems to buzz in a great way. I look again at the whole panorama, at all of us and I throw my arms up in the air and I shout out,  "I LOVE YOU ALL!!!"

Mick and Alexis hear me yell this love thing, and they come over, laughing. She looks up at me and gushes, "We love you too babe! You are so tall and heavenly and GORGEOUS!"and she kisses me softly on the lips. Then - surprise - Mick grins and leans in and he kisses me too! It's a quick one, but still. Wow.

I realize we all ate those gummy-bears, and now they're feeling what I'm feeling, and we all realize it, and we literally fall down laughing on the grass.

So at some point after midnight, with my head tripping and my heart wide open, I end up in this spontaneous cuddle-puddle on the carpeted floor in Jacob's basement. There are about ten of us all just laying there cuddled up together, a mix of guys and girls, stoned and rolling and talking and not-talking and giggling and listening to mellow music in the dim light. I feel snuggly and woozy, don't even know most of these people but it feels really nice.

Jacob comes down the stairs and looks across the pile of us. I look up at him and he looks so good, all thick and strong and chunky and sexy and muscular and just so attractive to me all of a sudden. I'm stunned all over again at how he's making me feel. I decide to just go with it and "speak my truth". I call up to him.

"Jacob! You look so good. Come down here and cuddle with me."

He stares down at me and his bearded handsome face spreads out into a big huge smile. He steps over to the part of the pile where I am, and he's looking around for room but there really isn't any. So, wordlessly, I untangle my lanky limbs from those around me and I gently roll over to the far edge of the pile, next to the wall. Jacob kicks off his flip flops and gets down on the carpet next to me, and naturally, instinctively, we slide our two bodies into a deep "spoons" style embrace, me wrapped around him long and tight and complete. My long arms enfold his warm thick chest and shoulders. We just lay there breathing together and it feels so fucking nice. His thick brown hair and his neck and earlobe are just an inch from my face. I lean in just a little and I kiss his ear.

Jacob likes that a lot. He makes a low purring "mmmm" sound and snuggles deeper into me, pulling my arms even more tight around him. I feel his butt snuggling back slowly, rhythmically against my crotch. Ohh yeah, I like that. I feel my dick getting semi-hard again, and i nudge it against his butt. We hump slow-motion like this for a while. Caressing, holding, slowly grinding. Eventually we come to rest, stillness.

Ten or fifteen minutes pass, maybe more, maybe a lot more, time is a blur. Some people come over and bend down to thank Jacob for the party and say goodnight. I glance over to my side and half the puppy-pile people are gone.

Jacob leans back and whispers in my ear, "Can I tell you something personal?"

Holding him close, I caress his chest with my fingertips. "Go for it."

He says, "I've been dreaming about something like this, with you and me. Dreaming."

My fingertips graze one of Jacob's prominent nipples on those big pec muscles, and I playfully tug on it and squeeze it and I chuckle into his ear. "Well... Keep dreaming, cocksucker." He convulses with laughter, remembering all the times he'd said that in front of me. And I flick his nipple again with my fingers and I begin to kiss his neck more hungrily, deeply, and my hands run through his thick brown hair. His body feels so warm and wonderful, as i kiss and kiss his neck. He keeps erupting into little belly laughs as I hold him snug.

Jacob leans back again and whispers to me, "Stay over? It's like almost 4am now..."

I whisper back, "Definitely." And I hug his big warm body even tighter and I grin, telling him "My mom thinks we're all down the Cape, at your parents' beach house."

Almost everybody has left by now. A few of Jacob's sister's friends are crashing on the available sofas and sleeping bags on the floor.

Jacob and I stay cuddled in our duo, there's a bit more movement around us. Lights go out, soft warm darkness as I keep on holding and caressing humpy Jacob. Finally he leans into me and says "Let's go upstairs, to my room."

He has this idea that he needs or wants to take a shower first, says he's been running around getting ready for the party since noon. "Well, you made it look easy...and you smell good to me" I say. We're upstairs now, in his room, sprawled across his bed, and I'm still high and blissed out.

But Jacob leads me down the hall, and minutes later we've slowly removed each other's clothes and we're standing naked, together, in a warm shower. I feel so turned on, though my dick is only half hard. His is rock hard and pointing up at a perfect 45-degree angle. I kiss his lips beneath the warm water pouring down over us, and I stroke his dick with one hand. He touches mine in return. "What are you on?" he asks me with a grin. I tell him about the gummy bears. "Uh huh. Well, don't worry about getting hard then. I know you're feeling good."

I guess MDMA, or "Molly" as its mickname, has that effect on guys. It takes all the pleasure feelings you'd have in your dick, and spreads them out across you, across the surface of your skin, instead. At least that's what I was experiencing, in that moment, my first time with it. I laugh softly, my head bending down to kiss Jacob again and again. We've lathered up our bodies and my hands are in love with his butt. It's so round and sensual and strong and soap-slippery-wet, and I cannot stop squeezing it and playing with it. Jacob's eyes look up into mine with a real longing in them, and his fingertips trace the length of my abs, the ridges of lean muscle, and the tight sinews of my hips and pelvis.  "So fuckin' beautiful...." he murmurs, and we keep on kissing.

We towel off mostly-dry, scamper back down the hall and dive into his bed. We're both feeling giddy, frisky, like a pair of puppies gone sexual. We roll all over the bed, kissing, hugging, play-wrestling. I wonder if I've ever felt this excitedly happy.  Rolling, high, I feel awestuck at the thought: this is adulthood! This is being a legal adult and we can do whatever the fuck we want!!  My heart is beating strong in my chest and my face cannot stop smiling at Jacob, at us, at all of this.. I'm smiling big time, as wide as the moon.

Somehow we end up play-wrestling into a "69" position and I start sucking on Jacob's thick 7-inch dick. It tastes so fucking nice. He is so aroused that it's dripping precum, and it has a syrupy feel and honey-like taste on my tongue. He's getting really turned on and he sucks my big semi-soft dick, caressing the base with one hand and swirling his tongue all over the head of it. His mouth and hand feel so fuckling great, even though I'm not totally hard. He nuzzles his bearded face along my balls, licking and licking, making soft little growl sounds, his tongue exploring all over me down there. And then he just pulls my thighs even more open with his two hands, and I feel his face in my butt! Oh fuck, he's licking my butthole! This feels incredible, his tongue is so wet and warm and alive and he's really nuzzling it inside me. I hear and feel his voice saying my name, in my butt, which makes me laugh. "mmmm... Derrick.... mmmmm...."  I stop sucking his dick because I'm overwhelmed by what he's doing, and I start moaning in delirium. Jacob doesn't stop, his hands are planted on my butt and his face is way on in there, licking me, tasting me, on and on. I feel like a candle starting to melt, so warm and liquid... like all I want to do is keep on melting and letting him keep doing what he's doing to me.

It happens so swiftly, naturally... Jacob reaches for something in a bedside drawer and he moves around so we're side by side.. he opens it, it's a black plastic bottle of lubricant, he slathers up his dick and guides me into place where I'm laying back, one of my legs is up in the air and I feel the warm slick-wet head of his cock sliding around near my hole. Jacob looks down at me, grinning. "Yeah?" he asks.

Instinct takes over, I want it so bad. I look up into his broad handsome face, his sexy little dark-brown goatee, and I say: "Yeah." And I reach an arm up and pull his face down to mine and kiss him with more lust and hunger than before.

His thick hard dick slides around grinding on me and then locates its target. He nudges, prods… I feel that dick wanting me to open up... and I do! Maybe it’s the MDMA running through my body and brain, but I just become "yes" and I open up and his dick slides right on into me. The feeling is a big surprise at first, and he stays there, still and deep in me, kissing me, making out with me as my insides get used to him. I keep softly moaning "Wow..." as he kisses me and very slowly begins to move deeper, then pull out just a little, then gently plunge deeper into me.

And so we begin to fuck, really fuck. It is phenomenal. As Jacob’s dick drives deep into me and pulls out again, over and over, his strong thick body holds mine down and he’s breathing hard into my left ear. I feel waves of intense heat and shivers across all of my skin, my body temperature boomeranging all over the place from getting fucked like this.

I grab onto his butt as he slam-fucks me, hard, with passion and lust.  My hands feel those big strong round ass muscles flexing with every stroke, as he keeps on giving it to me.  Suddenly he cries out “Uhhh!” and his hips buck into me even stronger, wilder, and a moment later I feel this liquid warmth spreading way up deep inside me. It’s the most amazing feeling. Slowly his breathing comes back down, and we hold onto each other tight. I’m softly kissing the side of his face, as his dick keeps moving slow and gentle inside me, the erection subsiding.

And before I know it, my voice speaks: “Jacob… I love you.”

So much more happened, after that night.

I remember us having sex again the following Thursday, and it was so different. Drug-free, natural, animal, honest… me on top this time, and giving it to him long and strong, Jacob loving it as much as I did. He went fucking crazy when I tugged on his nipples and played with them and squeezed his big broad muscular chest, while fucking his perfect round beefy butt from behind.

More I-love-yous were spoken. Again and again.

More and more romance and sex, all through the summer. Riding it for all we can. Knowing we’re heading off in different directions for college. Me staying here in Boston, and Jacob starting a new life down in New York City.  Continued I-love-yous, but... both of us starting to dive into new experiences with new guys. College is a stimulating environment, to say the least. We decided to not commit to anything long-distance. We fucked all week long whenever we could, that last week of August. Now we are separated. But.. still, that undeniable power of desire, connection, ongoing, like it’s never over. Me and Jacob. Missing each other, in the quiet moments.

I’m coming down to NYC to stay with him for Columbus Day weekend, coming up very soon. We both can hardly wait!