John and I

I walked home. Alone, and more than a little angry.

And also scared.

I didn't go to school the next day. Told my friends I was sick. They didn't believe me but I knew they wouldn't tell. I had forgotten I had plans that Saturday to go with a friend to his house for the first time.

Well he was actually the brother of a friend, that I ended up being friends with as well. He was a grade ahead and almost two years older (like a year and a half). His brother Jaime was in my grade, and had been my friend since freshman year.

Anyways, like I was saying.

I get picked up by Marcos, the older brother, and we head to their house. Marcos and I argue a lot, about very random things. Sometimes I like to think we challenge each other a lot more than we normally were used to. It was the basis to a good but tenuous friendship.

I’m always awkward when I'm at someone's house for the first time, I can't help it. It went fine though, considering things.

Considering I was hardly aware of it all. Considering I was having a major internal crisis, and considering that my head was so far under a rock it became a family friend to some snakes.

Monday came and went. I didn't go to school.

Passed the anger by now, I was scared. More importantly I felt like shit because of how I treated John. And I could take hating myself for liking him, if it meant not hating myself for hurting him.

Mustering up whatever will I had left I went to school on Tuesday with a smile plastered on my face. I was going to get through the day in one piece. No matter what.

John wasn't there. He hadn't been there the whole time I hadn't. Even missed practice.

It was around this time that I started to accept what I felt when he had kissed me. Accept what it meant. And I needed to tell John.

My luck struck on Thursday, block period day. John was sitting at our table in 4th period, looking more than a little concerned when I walked through the classroom door. I gestured towards the hallway that led to the welding room on my right.

He nodded. I could tell he was ready to have words. I think he could've punched me if given the slightest provocation.

Once in our secret space I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. “I'm sorry”. Was the first thing I said.

I continued. “Look, what we did, what we've been doing. I've liked it a lot. And I've liked it mostly because of you. You're perfect in every way and I was happy I could show you how much that meant to me. When you kissed me… that changed”. I said. “Not how I felt about you”. I added hastily, seeing his face.

“What changed then”. The venom in his voice cut me deep. There was a malice there I can't describe. I knew he was hurting, that this was his way of coping. It didn't sting any less though.

“It changed how I thought you felt about… me. When we started this I liked you, and I thought it was great that you were open to doing these things with me. When you kissed me it seemed like you wanted more.” I finally said, after a moment's pause.

“Edwin…” he began. “I sucked your cock, ate your ass. I let you fuck me. How did you think I felt?”

I shook my head. “I see that now. I didn't before. Before I thought you were just making it better for yourself. I am not ready for a relationship”. I admit at last, getting to the crux of it.

“Neither am I. Edwin I don't know what I am ok? I love the shit we do, but I hate that we have never even hugged out in public. I stopped even thinking about girls after what we've been doing. I hate you for doing this to me, even though it's not your fault. Not really. I kissed you because it felt good in the moment. It felt right. This wasn't ever just about getting my rocks off”. John said sharply, forcing me to maintain eye contact as he said it.

I nodded, tears springing into my eyes. “So where does that leave us?”

I was scared of his answer when it finally came; “I don't want to go public with this, I don't know what this even is. But I don't want to stop what we've been doing. Even if it means losing something more”. He said calmly, malice gone from his voice.

“To be honest, when you left… I thought you hated me. I had just let you fuck me, and then kissed you, and then you left. I thought you hated me for feeling how I did. Hated me for being…” he continued.

“Being what? John?” I asked him.

“I don't know. I don't want to go there”. He said hurriedly.

I saw him about to leave. Before he was halfway across the loft I called out to him. “I don't care, you know. That you let me fuck you. Hell, I was thinking about letting you fuck me for weeks. I don't care that we kissed. Not in the way you think,” I steeled myself. “I'm Bisexual, John. And I like you way more than I care to admit. But please, can we not do it anymore? It hurts to have a reminder about what we can't have”.

He slowly grasped my meaning. “When we kissed, you were scared that you liked it. And angry that you couldn't have it”.

I nodded. “We can't be in a relationship. Not here, not now. But we can still have us”.

He made his way back to me. And started unbuckling his jeans.

Author's Note: Hope you guys are enjoying this so far. I've got one last chapter planned. As usual, email me with any questions!